There is probably no person in the world who has never experienced the bitterness of parting in his life. The way the world works is that people come together and diverge. And it doesn’t matter whether they were legally married or dated for a few months, separation can be painful. Our article will tell you how to overcome this pain and what stages you need to go through to do this.
Psychologists believe that in order for a person to develop the ability to establish strong attachments, he needs to fall in love for the first time before the age of 21. At the same time, it is recommended to enter into the first long-term relationship or marriage before the age of 28. Consequently, first love is not always the love of a lifetime, and for the vast majority of people it ends in separation. It's okay to break up. But it hurts a lot.
1. Denial
When we hear from a loved one that it’s all over, the first and completely natural reaction is to deny what happened. Our consciousness seems unable to accept this fact and defends itself from the harsh reality with distrust: we ask questions, as if we cannot believe that love has passed and now everyone will have to go their own way. “It can’t be”, “This is not happening to me” - such thoughts come to mind at this stage.
2. Aggression
As the realization of the reality of separation comes, the person begins to feel angry. We blame fate for being so unfair to us, our partner, because he dared to destroy our happiness, our family and friends, because they could not prevent it. A person can become angry even in response to kindness and care from loved ones who need to show patience in such a situation. It is important to allow yourself to be angry and cry. It is also useful to direct aggression in a useful direction: get rid of reminders of failed love, throw away or put away things and photos that remind you of your ex-lover. It is at this stage that it is easiest to do this, because later it may seem like blasphemy, because there comes a stage when you want to return everything.
3. Bidding
When a person realizes that it is useless to be angry, he directs all the power of his psychic energy to try to return his beloved. Sometimes these are real attempts with phone calls and offers to meet. Sometimes it's just a mental replay of the possibilities of being together again. It's like a kind of bargaining with fate. At this stage, some people are characterized by obsessive actions, for example, a person wishes that he and his lover will be together again if the coin lands on heads.
Don't let yourself linger at this stage. Remember that if ex-lovers' attempts to get back together are rarely successful, it usually does not bring the desired happiness. Having experienced the first moment of euphoria from the reunion, sooner or later people again feel the desire to separate. Do not humiliate all the love that you had in an attempt to revive it. When you leave, leave.
4. Depression
The time comes to deeply experience what happened. The person finally realizes clearly the fact of separation and finally gets rid of all illusions. At this stage, a person becomes withdrawn, isolates himself from communication with loved ones, and does not go anywhere. For some, this condition goes away quickly, while others suffer for years. A person is haunted by the feeling (always false) that relief will never come.
It is important not to let this stage drag on. Remember that depression is a normal state for several months after the loss, but if it lasts more than a year, you need to consult a psychologist and take steps to get out of this state. A change of environment, communication with friends and relatives, sports, hobbies, and any type of activity helps well. which give the suffering person at least a little pleasure. Depression can always be overcome, and most importantly remember that in this case time works for you, it heals.
5. Acceptance
After all stages have been successfully completed, the tears dry up and real relief finally comes. Now a person perceives a love story as one of many life stories. There is hope for new love.
One of the signs that you have reached the stage of acceptance is that in connection with a departed love, you more often remember the good than the bad, and everything that happened is perceived as a life experience.
Parting is often an impetus for self-development. How many women, after a divorce, finally lost weight, opened their own business, or simply started an interesting hobby? Life's shocks either break a person or make him more interesting, more perfect, wiser. There is no other option. Did you become drunk and depressed after separation from your loved one? Congratulations, you have no choice but to make positive changes in your life. The emptiness will definitely be filled with something.
Parting often leads to difficult experiences, and we are talking not only about parting with a loved one, but also about parting with children and friends. Breaking up a relationship is always a loss. Knowledge of the reasons why breakups most often occur, how they are experienced and how to preserve relationships that are important to you will help you avoid such painful situations.
What it is?
Psychology evaluates separation as the loss of a relationship with a certain person. But in practice, physical separation does not always mean the loss of a relationship, and living together does not at all guarantee spiritual unity. Parting is a painful process if a person is dear to you, if some important period of your life is closely connected with him. The most painful are separations from loved ones (spouses), children, and relatives. Parting with close friends can also cause pain.
A separation can be complete when contacts, by decision of the parties or one of the participants in the situation, cease in any form. A separation is considered incomplete, after which people maintain certain relationships - they communicate about raising children, about work, have common affairs, and have the intention of restoring relationships. In psychology, incomplete is also called a separation in which one of the parties refuses to accept reality as it is, time passes, and the stage of acceptance does not occur. This is a difficult case that requires necessarily the help of a psychiatrist and psychotherapist.
Parting provides a great life experience, painful, but sometimes necessary. In any case, a lot of useful things can be learned from it: after a breakup, value systems change, a person begins to better understand the subtleties of his own character, and knows better what he needs next from a future relationship. If people break up rashly, without thinking through the decision, then they have a chance to improve their relationship by drawing conclusions after reconciliation.
Causes
It is important to understand that the events themselves and the reasons that led to them are different things. If formally a couple breaks up due to the betrayal of one of the partners, then there can be any reason, but not the betrayal itself. The cheater could be driven to adultery by boredom and routine in the relationship, or the lack of productive interaction with a partner in a variety of areas. An event that is formulated as a scandal is not the reason for the separation, but only a reason, since the true reason, again, can lie in anything else. Let's look at what reasons most often lead to the collapse of relationships with spouses, children, parents, and friends.
Lack of trust
This reason is very insidious. Trust is the basis of any relationship; without it, friendship or love affair is impossible. It disappears gradually, sometimes even imperceptibly, little by little. People tend to give loved ones a “second chance,” to justify them internally, but only for the time being, as long as there is trust. Once it disappears, the relationship cannot continue. Jealousy, especially its pathological forms, and deception (if it is frequent) can lead to loss of trust. Even deception in small things gradually develops into a “big snowball”, which one day, not the most beautiful, picks up speed and falls with all its force on the head of the deceiver, leaving practically no chance to save the relationship.
Priority difference
People call this “the characters didn’t get along.” People set different, and sometimes polar, goals for themselves and do not want to help each other achieve these goals. If the husband is saving for a new car, and the wife thinks that first of all she needs an apartment, then scandals cannot be avoided. If the mother insists that her son enter a university, and he joins the army of his own free will, then again everything can end in separation if one of the parties does not agree to accept the priorities of the other.
Priorities can also be intangible: for one it is important to grow professionally and spiritually, to study, to increase one’s value as a specialist, while the other believes that the partner is only wasting time by receiving another diploma, thereby belittling the achievements of the first. A separation for this reason may well turn out to be temporary, and if people reach a compromise or learn to give in, then the relationship can be saved.
Violence and manipulation
Violence is not only physical, but also psychological. Under plausible pretexts (“I love you,” “I worry about you”), one partner can impose total control over the other - check where and when he goes, where he goes, who calls him. Psychological violence is insults, reproaches and disrespect; these are direct or indirect prohibitions on maintaining relationships with friends and family, restrictions, and constant showdowns.
A victim of psychological violence and manipulation is usually afraid of doing something wrong, of making any everyday decision without the knowledge of the partner; if a strong emotional dependence on the tyrant is added to this, then the situation becomes completely unbearable. Children often manipulate their parents or parents manipulate their children; spouses and even friends may encounter attempts at manipulation from each other. Parting in this case is the most correct, and sometimes the only possible way out. Once started, neither physical nor psychological violence usually stops, but only progresses, acquiring more and more sophisticated forms.
Collapse of hopes and expectations
Everyone, when starting a relationship with someone, hopes and expects something good that this relationship will bring him. Often these expectations are not met. It is difficult to see a future tyrant or miser in a sweet young man; it is difficult to see a future cruel and unjust scoundrel in a growing son. When a person encounters some manifestations and actions on the part of another that do not fit into the picture of his expectations, he experiences severe disappointment, fear, and resentment.
If you understand that we build our own hopes and expectations, and no one is obliged to meet them, separation for this reason can be avoided. Another option is to give up expectations and accept a person as he is with all his shortcomings and advantages, but not everyone succeeds in this. A breakup, if it occurs, can be reversible. But only after one of the parties understands the wrongness of the very fact of putting forward any of their own expectations and hopes to the other, and the other does everything possible to correct what does not suit the partner.
Dependencies
We are talking about alcohol, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc. Usually, at the very beginning of the problem, the partner tries his best to help the other get rid of the bad habit. But there are promises to quit, but in most cases there are no real actions, and therefore a loss of trust comes into force, later the collapse of hopes and expectations, and then all the other reasons. In families where a partner drinks or takes psychotropic drugs, violence and manipulation are widespread, and there is definitely a difference in priorities (unless, of course, all family members drink together).
In this case, separation will be life-saving for a healthy partner. For the second person suffering from addiction, this will be a chance to once and for all rethink their values and get rid of the habit. If he doesn't, it will be his choice. He has every right to it, but you can’t stay nearby - it’s dangerous.
Routine and boredom
This is the reason that often destroys “experienced” marriages. Sensations and feelings dull over time, and this is natural and normal. If they are not replaced by common interests, hobbies, common priorities and goals, then there is a possibility that the partners will simply get tired of communicating with each other. Loss of interest and desire can become the basis for adultery or leaving the family. Relationships are rapidly deteriorating and may well be complicated over time by any of the reasons listed above - from the alcoholism of a bored partner to domestic violence and the collapse of all expectations.
Household and financial problems
Financial disputes regarding how and how much to earn, where and to whom to spend are a fairly common reason for separation. This reason combines several factors: a difference in priorities and possible manipulations. But such separations, if desired, can be canceled and made reversible. It is enough to clear up all the misunderstandings and develop a new financial strategy in the relationship that would suit both. Most everyday issues are resolved in the same way. If people break up forever because of this, then with a high degree of probability, it is not this problem that comes first for them, but any of the above. Money and fried potatoes were just the last straw in the cup of patience.
Among the reasons for separations, one can list many different prerequisites - sexual dissatisfaction with a partner, and the immaturity of one of the participants in a situation when a person cannot and does not know how, and most importantly, does not want to make any decisions at all. But if you reduce everything, as in mathematics, to a simple equation, then you can easily understand that the basis of any separation is resentment, which consists of the collapse of hopes and expectations, malice, anger and fear of the future.
It is this feeling that destroys marriages, sends parents and children to different continents, and forces friends to completely stop communicating with those who until recently were close and understandable. Please note that it is resentment that underlies divorce for the reason “they don’t get along”; it is precisely this that accompanies financial and everyday troubles, a difference in priorities, resentment towards the world and oneself that lead to alcoholism and an escape into drug-induced oblivion.
By learning to forgive and not hold grudges, people can protect their relationships, whether with family, parents, or a circle of close friends.
Varieties
Parting has many faces. People who have made such a decision may never see each other or may see each other every day, they may forget that they were connected by some kind of relationship or remember about it and experience emotional attachment for a very long time. Psychologists distinguish several types of separation.
Constructive breakup- the causes are irremovable, correction is impossible. Partners have enough will and intelligence to decide to free themselves from such meaningless relationships and become free and ultimately happy, but separately. In such cases, the separation is not too painful, although it is possible that experiences will still take place. But after separation, people’s relationships are smooth, calm, positive, they do not cripple either their souls or the soul of the child, if he has one. Relationships are built on mutual respect, regardless of whether they were terminated at the initiative of a man or a woman. People look at their shared past without resentment.
- Unfinished Gestalt- there are good reasons for breaking up, but there is no strength to do it, coming up with reasons to stay together (children are growing up, there is a mortgage, etc.). It is in such couples that betrayal often occurs; children grow up in an atmosphere of chronic destructive lies. Both spouses admit that their relationship has not been the same for a long time, there is no passion, no sex, no trust, no relationship. But they are afraid to change something.
- Traumatic breakup- a decision made and implemented to separate forever. It is fraught with the accumulation of a huge load of grievances, although sometimes it can be constructive. Usually one of the partners is not ready to let go of the other, and it is in such situations that the most severe emotional shocks and experiences take place.
- Postponed separation- a proposal to break up for a while in order to collect your thoughts and make a decision, which can turn into any of the listed types of separation. It is not perceived as painful as traumatic, but only until the moment when a permanent decision is made.
- Pseudo-breakup- a specially created situation in which the partner, who became the initiator, actually does not want a true separation, he manipulates, trying to achieve something of his own, some specific goal. If a person supposedly broke up, this gives him the illusion of freedom, the opportunity to suffer to his heart’s content (there are people who need experiences in order to revive their fading relationships and dispel boredom). Sometimes such false separations become habitual, and the manipulator stops achieving his goal. Often, when the patience of the second partner runs out or the manipulator decides that the resources of the relationship have been exhausted for him personally, the next break becomes true and the last.
Psychological stages of experience
The experience of separation occurs according to the psychological laws of loss (stages of grief). The sequence of stages of emotional change is usually clear and one stage always follows another. For both men and women, the sequence is exactly the same, but there are nuances due to gender characteristics of the psyche. In order to survive a breakup and not become a patient in a psychiatric hospital, in order to quickly cope with your emotions, it is important to go through all the stages without missing a single one.
“I don’t believe it” – the stage of denying reality
The very first reaction to loss. A person does not feel pain, because for now he simply does not believe in what is happening, does not understand what is happening at all, does not allow the thought of it to enter his consciousness. The psyche turns on the denial mechanism when it encounters something unfamiliar and frightening. Denial protects the psyche from harsh traumatic effects and partially anesthetizes the processes that begin to occur in the soul. Denial has different forms - from the insistent assertion that everything is the same as before, that temporary difficulties have simply arisen, to the devaluation of the loss - “this is what everything was leading to, this was to be expected.”
Pain, anger, resentment, malice
The anesthetic effect of denial wears off, and bewilderment is replaced by anger - “how could he do that?” Resentment, shame, disgrace, and severe anxiety appear. Emotions run high, and a person can equally direct his anger both at the initiator of the separation and at himself.
The stage of searching for salvation and hope
The anger has already been experienced, it is practically gone and, perhaps, the person has already found his first explanations for what happened, although he is still very far from full-fledged introspection and analysis of the situation. Immediately after anger, the pain becomes stronger, and therefore there is a completely natural desire to get rid of it. The first thing that comes to mind is to restore the relationship. This is where the suffering party becomes obsessed with the idea of returning the loved one, the beloved. Particularly impressionable natures may begin to pursue a partner, write, call, demand, threaten, blackmail, lure with deceitful reasons, go to fortune-tellers and sorcerers.
Usually this does not bring results or causes the opposite effect, and the former partner distances himself from the person even more, fences himself off and begins to hide. Having realized the futility of his attempts, just yesterday the experiencer, inspired by a fixed idea, moves to a qualitatively new level of experience.
Stage of depression and stagnation
How severe the decline after it can be depends on the emotional and physical expenditure of strength and energy involved in the next stage. Depression sets in, the person is lethargic, lacks energy, many things lose meaning for him, what used to be a pleasure can irritate or leave him indifferent. Sleep and appetite disturbances appear. I don’t want to do anything, not even get up and go to work. The pain decreases, sometimes it is no longer noticeable. But the stage is quite dangerous: if you live it incorrectly, then the likelihood of situational depression turning into a chronic mental illness increases. It is at this stage that the largest number of suicides and revenge killings occur.
Stage of self-analysis and analysis of the situation, acceptance
At this stage, personal defeat is accepted. An understanding of the true causes and consequences comes, and it becomes clear where to move next. The person begins to understand that responsibility for the separation lies with both partners, and although regrets may still be present, they no longer cause severe pain. There is an acceptance of the situation in the form in which it occurred. Circumstances are seen clearly, without illusions. The advantage is that the onset of the acceptance stage indicates that planning for your new life has already begun. New plans, goals, guidelines appear.
Back to life
The end of the process of accepting loss is indicated by the desire to live, self-esteem grows, an understanding of one’s own worth and significance appears, and a feeling comes that the best is yet to come. The emotional state is characterized as compensated, in other words, the wound from the loss still exists, but it has already healed and now reminds of itself only by the presence of a scar.
Among women
The peculiarities of women's experience of loss are that representatives of the fair sex are more emotional, and therefore all stages proceed more vividly for them than for men. At any stage, except the final ones, there may be streams of tears, words and even hysterics. But this is where women’s salvation lies - due to the ability to release negative emotions, splash them out as they arise, women quickly complete all stages.
Women rarely lose self-esteem after a breakup; if it decreases somewhat, it is restored after the first visit to a beauty salon or fashion store. A woman has friends who can cry to her at any time, and there is nothing shameful about that. If a woman has a child, then he will not let him get bogged down in depression - he requires care, care, and performing certain daily actions.
Women are more dreamy, they more easily enter the stage of returning to life, it is easier for them to imagine a new amazing life for themselves.
The disadvantage of a woman's experience of separation is that the stage of false hopes and active actions is sometimes more difficult to experience. Not to mention how persistent women can be when they start stalking their ex.
In men
The peculiarities of the male psyche are such that for representatives of the stronger sex, parting is much more difficult, since they cannot afford to suffer bitterly, talk for many hours with friends about the actions of their beloved, “wash her bones,” and men cry extremely rarely. But in vain. Letting out anger, anger, and resentment with tears would help men get through the depressive stage more easily. This is where a man can get seriously and permanently stuck.
Men try to make sure that no one notices their feelings after a breakup. They hide them, suppress them, which causes the accumulation of negativity and disruption of the heart, blood vessels and other organs. Psychosomatics suggests that men live less than women precisely because they habitually suppress everything that hurts inside them.
At the stage of denial and anger, a man can indulge in all serious things - alcohol, casual sexual relationships. Only at the stage of acceptance will he understand that this does not bring significant relief, and sometimes even aggravates the condition. Men are sensitive to their self-esteem. An abandoned man is like a wounded lion. At first he will lick his wounds and dream of revenge, and then he will begin to blame himself for not being able to reign and for losing. This can leave a significant imprint on the nature of his future relationships - the more a man was hurt, the more likely it is that he will transfer some of the resentment, suspicion and mistrust into his next relationships with women.
How to quickly get over a breakup?
Those who dream of quickly coping with feelings after a breakup with a loved one will be disappointed - this process does not happen quickly. It all depends on the temperament, circumstances and reasons for the separation, on the person’s age and life experience, but in general you need to tune in to experiencing each stage in turn.
If at least one remains unlived, problems and complications may arise in the next ones.
The right attitude is a patient attitude. No stage lasts forever, and understanding this helps to bear the loss with a degree of philosophical calm. This share will be small, but very important. Psychologists advise not to try to fight your condition, this will only lead to suppression and accumulation of negativity; you should try to accept each stage as inevitable. The most difficult cases are separations during a woman’s pregnancy, immediately before the wedding, betrayal and infidelity. But you can also survive them and come to terms with minimal losses if you follow the advice of psychologists.
With girl
It is important for a man to remember that his task at any stage of separation is to preserve his dignity. What his male self-esteem will be like after getting out of a difficult situation depends on this. You cannot blackmail, threaten, stoop to insults and assault, revenge, to everything that lowers and humiliates men not only in the eyes of women, but also in their own eyes. You should not drink or try to quickly find another woman - attempts to artificially fill the inner emptiness are usually doomed to fiasco and an unpleasant aftertaste for many years.
After the aggression and anger have passed, you can try to talk with your ex, find out what her future plans are, perhaps she, like you, worries and regrets the breakup and wants to renew the relationship. If not, don't despair. Get busy with work and all-round development - read, meet friends, go fishing, watch interesting films, rebuild your car engine - you probably have a lot of things to do that you put off until later. It's time to tackle them. This will help you get through difficult times easier.
With a guy
A woman definitely needs “helpers” - someone should listen and support. But there is no need to feel sorry for yourself. No matter how much you want to sympathize with yourself, it’s worth taking a different path - learning to control and analyze your emotions, distinguishing love for your ex from the fear of being left alone, of becoming a laughing stock. It is important to learn to forgive from the heart, sincerely.
While the stages of recovery after loss are going through, a woman needs motivation - in order to work, study, and take care of herself. The best motivation is to understand that true happiness can lie in wait at any moment, anywhere. Will it be possible if you hide from the world, close yourself off from communication, walk around crying? It is easier to come to terms with those who do not lose their dignity - no matter how painful it is, do not stoop to revenge, rumors, gossip, blackmail (including by children). When it gets easier, such actions can be painfully ashamed.
With friends
Long-time friends who have a lot in common experience a breakup quite painfully, but not in the same way as lovers. Ideally, it is best to wait for time, talk frankly with your friend and still resolve disagreements. But if this is not possible, it is best to try to forgive your friend if he has offended you, ask for his forgiveness and part ways. Perhaps your paths will be different after all.
How to cope with depression?
It is important to deal with depression, if it has lasted for more than two weeks, not alone, but with help - relatives, friends, a psychologist or psychotherapist. If handled incorrectly, it can become chronic. It is important to set tasks and goals for yourself every hour, every day. The less time you spend savoring all the unpleasant thoughts, the less severe your depression will be.
After a long relationship, you won’t be able to forget the pain right away; the pain must go away on its own. Compare your condition with a wound or the flu - even if you really want to get rid of the disease, you won’t be able to do it ahead of schedule; the disease will recede when the body completely copes with the virus or the wound heals. It's the same with mental wounds.
But you can alleviate the disease by taking painkillers; in the case of depression after a breakup, such a pill will be constant intense activity - at home, at work, socially, helping relatives and friends.
How to save a relationship?
Knowing the reasons why breakups most often occur will help preserve existing relationships. Look at them again and note for yourself that for the success of a relationship it is important that there is trust in them, that there is no violence and suppression, that people, in addition to love, have common interests and hobbies. Passion will pass one day, but the commonality of interests will remain and will help you overcome all difficulties together. It is important to take into account your partner’s opinion, but not to forget about your own life. The victims are inappropriate.
The famous psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky recommends going through a breakup with your head held high, forbidding yourself to even think about being abandoned or betrayed. Such thoughts do not increase self-confidence and positive thinking. He also makes the following recommendations.
- Don't lose yourself in someone else, remember about yourself - if your partner left you, with a high degree of probability he has already stopped loving you, then why should you suffer and suffer, dream of returning to the relationship? Relationships with people you don't love usually aren't the warmest.
- All couples have difficulties in life., like quarrels and misunderstandings, but only those that were initially weak and insolvent, flawed, if you like, fall apart. Therefore, what happened should be assessed from the position that everything happened fairly and correctly - you both have long deserved happiness. Together it is impossible.
- Don't rush, give yourself time- On average, it takes about a year to get rid of the stress caused by a breakup. For some this process is longer, for others it is faster. But everyone, without exception, goes through it; no one has ever remained in the stages of experiencing loss forever.
- Don't blame yourself for anything. It's not your fault what happened. And this is not the partner’s fault either. It just happened that way, that's the way it happened. Accept this and look at the relationship with respect and gratitude (there were good things!), and at yourself with sincere love. You are beautiful, amazing, individual. And someone is now looking in the big white world not even for a person like you, but specifically for you.
Mikhail Labkovsky argues that wallowing in suffering and self-criticism or continuing to live a full life filled with love, friendship, and joy is only your choice. It is not your partner who drives you into depression, but you yourself make the decision to be depressed. If you take responsibility for what happens to you, then it will be much easier to survive the loss and stress.
In the life of almost every person, sooner or later a breakup occurs. Our life is structured in such a way that from time to time we have to part with something or someone. Sometimes this overtakes us suddenly, and sometimes naturally, when the relationship has already become obsolete.
But, as a rule, parting is always a painful process, especially if you have to separate from a loved one. It's like falling into a deep hole full of sadness, pain and disappointment. And sometimes at this moment you can’t even believe that someday you will find a way out of this “valley of tears.” But no matter how much it seems to us that the whole world is collapsing, we must not forget that all this is temporary.
Getting used to the idea of loss is difficult, and sometimes it seems completely impossible. Looking forward is scary, but looking back is painful.
In psychology, separation is called the loss of a relationship. In 1969, American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced a system that came to be known as the “5 Stages of Loss,” the experience after a breakup before we are ready for a new relationship.
5 stages of loss
1. Stage – denial
This is a state of shock when it hasn’t “reached us” yet. At this stage, what happened is simply “not believable.” The head seems to understand, but the feelings seem to be frozen. It seems like you should be sad and bad, but you don’t.
2. Stage of expressing feelings
After the initial awareness of what happened, we begin to get angry. This is a difficult phase in which pain, resentment, and anger are mixed. Anger can be obvious and open, or it can hide somewhere inside under the guise of irritation or physical ailment.
Anger can also be directed at a situation, another person, or oneself. In the latter case, we are talking about auto-aggression, which is also called guilt. Try not to blame yourself!
Also, very often an internal ban on aggression is activated - in this case, the work of loss is inhibited. If we do not allow ourselves to be angry, then we “get stuck” at this stage and cannot let go of the situation. If the anger has not been expressed and the loss has not been mourned, then you can get stuck in this stage and live like that for the rest of your life. You need to allow all the feelings to come out and it is due to this that relief and healing occurs.
3. Stage of dialogue and bargaining
This is where we are overwhelmed with a lot of thoughts about what and how we could have done differently. We come up with a variety of ways to deceive ourselves, to believe in the possibility of returning a lost relationship, or to console ourselves that all is not lost. It's like we're on a swing. At this stage of loss, we are somewhere between fear of the future and the inability to live in the past.
To start a new life, you need to end the old one.
4. Stage of depression
The stage comes when the psyche no longer denies what happened, and an understanding also comes that it is pointless to look for those to blame or sort things out. The fact of separation, the loss of something valuable that was in this relationship, has happened. Everything has already happened, nothing can be changed.
At this stage, we mourn the loss, miss what was so important and necessary. And we have no idea how to live further - we simply exist.
5. Acceptance stage
Slowly we begin to crawl out of the quagmire of pain and sadness. We look around, looking for new meanings and ways to live. Of course, thoughts about what was lost still visit us, but now we are already able to think about why and why all this happened to us. We draw conclusions, learn to live independently and enjoy something new. New people and new events appear in life.
How long does each stage of separation last?
From a few days to several months, and some even years. For each case, these numbers are individual, since this is influenced by various factors: the duration and intensity of the relationship, the reason for the separation. Often different emotional stages flow smoothly into each other or repeat.
In addition, everyone’s behavior and attitude towards this critical event is individual. While some experience this grief for months, others quickly find a new adventure to quickly forget about the separation. And it is very important to give yourself enough time to survive the breakup in order to accept, realize, transform the situation and learn a life lesson.
The common truth is known: “Any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A challenge is an opportunity to grow, to take a step towards personal excellence and a better life.”
To improve your emotional state, do not allow yourself to be “lazy” and close yourself within four walls. Let every day bring something new, let it be filled with actions, deeds, trips, meetings, new discoveries and little pleasures. Go wherever there is nature, sun, children's laughter, where people smile and laugh.
Don't ignore your health
Grief has many physiological manifestations, causing insomnia, apathy, loss of appetite, disorders of the gastrointestinal tract, cardiovascular system, and provokes a decrease in the body’s protective properties.
See a Psychotherapist
In case of an unfinished separation, the help of a psychotherapist is required, since the trauma of losing a loved one continues to destroy life, taking away his inner strength. If you feel pain, resentment, anger, worry, irritability, or anxiety when remembering the breakup, then the breakup is still not over.
Psychotherapy is aimed at helping a person go through all stages of experiencing loss. The psychologist helps the client to recognize and express previously suppressed feelings using body-oriented therapy methods (based on working with the body and emotions).
With love, your Angela Lozyan
