Husbands often complain to others that “the mother-in-law interferes in our lives and doesn’t give us a pass with her advice and nagging.” Because of such interference, conflicts arise in families, which sometimes even lead to divorce. In this situation, it will be useful for the husband to know how to behave correctly with his mother-in-law.
First of all, you need to understand the reasons for such behavior on the part of the mother-in-law. This is often due to a reluctance to let the daughter go into adulthood and come to terms with the fact that the mother no longer plays a central role for her. The daughter now has her own family, and the mother, whether she wants it or not, fades into the background. This does not mean at all that the daughter began to love her mother less, she just became an adult, she now has her own family, to which she needs to devote time and energy. But the mother-in-law interferes with the family, wanting to return everything to its previous course. In this situation, for her, her son-in-law is a competitor and an invader who needs to be fought.
To cope with the problem, both members of the new family must acknowledge the problem and try to cope with it. The daughter must finally understand that she is no longer a child, she now has her own family for which she needs to fight. And the husband should support his young wife and guide her along this path. If the mother-in-law begins to attack her son-in-law, the daughter should under no circumstances allow this. With all possible delicacy, she must make it clear to her mother that she takes her husband’s side. At the same time, you cannot succumb to the manipulations that the mother resorts to like: “I have dedicated my whole life to you. You are ungrateful" and so on.
You should be extremely careful when trusting your mother-in-law with raising your grandchildren. Still, the main word should be with the parents; they should decide how to raise their children. It is necessary to immediately establish clear rules and make it clear to the mother-in-law that they will be followed in any case.
It happens that a husband is offended that his wife listens to her mother and allows her to interfere in the life of a young family. Such a wife should take a clear position, decide whose side she is on, and try to act as a peacemaker in the relationship between the mother and her other half. It must be remembered that by constantly taking the side of the mother, such a woman risks being left without a husband and living her whole life without having built a strong family. A subtle psychological move in such conflicts, when defending your husband, is to call your position “we,” making it clear that the young family is one whole.
No matter how difficult it is, you need to try to find separate housing. Then many problems will disappear on their own. It is easier to maintain normal relationships at a distance, and the fight for territory between son-in-law and mother-in-law will stop. It is best that the new housing is located at a sufficient distance from the parents’ apartment. Otherwise, it is likely that the mother-in-law will come regularly for visits. Sometimes such a mother-in-law’s fixation on the child and his new family is associated with her own unsettled personal life. In this case, you can try to find her a soul mate or, at least, a hobby.
There is a custom in Latin America. If a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are walking towards each other on a narrow path, the mother-in-law must lie down on it, and the daughter-in-law must walk straight along the mother-in-law. And in Polynesia, the mother-in-law has the right to follow her son-in-law only when his traces are washed away by three waves of the sea.
Husbands often complain to others that “the mother-in-law interferes in our lives and doesn’t give us a pass with her advice and nagging.” Because of such interference, conflicts arise in families, which sometimes even lead to divorce. In this situation, it will be useful for the husband to know how to behave correctly with his mother-in-law.
First of all, you need to understand the reasons for such behavior on the part of the mother-in-law. This is often due to a reluctance to let the daughter go into adulthood and come to terms with the fact that the mother no longer plays a central role for her. The daughter now has her own family, and the mother, whether she wants it or not, fades into the background. This does not mean at all that the daughter began to love her mother less, she just became an adult, she now has her own family, to which she needs to devote time and energy. But the mother-in-law interferes with the family, wanting to return everything to its previous course. In this situation, for her, her son-in-law is a competitor and an invader who needs to be fought.
To cope with the problem, both members of the new family must acknowledge the problem and try to cope with it. The daughter must finally understand that she is no longer a child, she now has her own family for which she needs to fight. And the husband should support his young wife and guide her along this path. If the mother-in-law begins to attack her son-in-law, the daughter should under no circumstances allow this. With all possible delicacy, she must make it clear to her mother that she takes her husband’s side. At the same time, you cannot succumb to the manipulations that the mother resorts to like: “I have dedicated my whole life to you. You are ungrateful" and so on.
You should be extremely careful when trusting your mother-in-law with raising your grandchildren. Still, the main word should be with the parents; they should decide how to raise their children. It is necessary to immediately establish clear rules and make it clear to the mother-in-law that they will be followed in any case.
It happens that a husband is offended that his wife listens to her mother and allows her to interfere in the life of a young family. Such a wife should take a clear position, decide whose side she is on, and try to act as a peacemaker in the relationship between the mother and her other half. It must be remembered that by constantly taking the side of the mother, such a woman risks being left without a husband and living her whole life without having built a strong family. A subtle psychological move in such conflicts, when defending your husband, is to call your position “we,” making it clear that the young family is one whole.
No matter how difficult it is, you need to try to find separate housing. Then many problems will disappear on their own. It is easier to maintain normal relationships at a distance, and the fight for territory between son-in-law and mother-in-law will stop. It is best that the new housing is located at a sufficient distance from the parents’ apartment. Otherwise, it is likely that the mother-in-law will come regularly for visits. Sometimes such a mother-in-law’s fixation on the child and his new family is associated with her own unsettled personal life. In this case, you can try to find her a soul mate or, at least, a hobby.
There is a custom in Latin America. If a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are walking towards each other on a narrow path, the mother-in-law must lie down on it, and the daughter-in-law must walk straight along the mother-in-law. And in Polynesia, the mother-in-law has the right to follow her son-in-law only when his traces are washed away by three waves of the sea.
Mother-in-law should remember that true wisdom is to allow the child to grow up and live his own life. Otherwise, all her guardianship and care will not help make her daughter happier, but, on the contrary, will instill in her inferiority and a feeling of her own inferiority.
It is impossible to “wean” your mother-in-law from steering in your house. All conversations with her on this matter will only further strengthen the negativity that this lady brings to her daughter’s family.
You have two ways out of this situation in your own family. Either tolerate the presence of your mother-in-law, or deny her “visa-free access” to the house.
If you choose option number 2, pose the question to your wife point-blank. Say that you married her, and you didn’t take her mother as your daughter’s burden. Let him choose. Or communication with my mother when visiting each other (which is also limited to family holidays), or communication with my mother as a divorced woman.
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What to do if the mother-in-law constantly interferes in family life?
Please evaluate correctly the actions of your mother-in-law. Every mother wishes her child only happiness. A caring mother tries to help, but only does it in her own way, as she sees fit. People of different age categories often do not understand each other. The younger generation believes that their parents interfere in their lives. The elder does this only with the best intentions. Mom wants to help your family, protect you, protect you from mistakes that she herself may have once suffered from.
I understand that this annoys you, you don’t need it, but unfortunately, your mother-in-law will not understand you, if you express everything to her directly, she may be deeply offended. Your wife will also be offended by your attitude towards her mother.
You can accept such behavior of a mother-in-law as inevitable, because parents are not chosen, and mothers-in-law are given in addition to their beloved wives.
Sometimes turn some advice into a harmless joke. Show your mother-in-law more often that you respect her. Don’t try to immediately take her instructions with hostility, but be more flexible and agree on something. Then you can say that you tried, for example, to do something, but it didn’t work out.
There is another important reason based on which the mother-in-law can interfere with your family. She may feel that she has the right to do this if she helps you financially, or if your family lives in her apartment. In order to get rid of outside interference, you must be completely financially independent of this person. Then you can still try to voice some of your demands, but, of course, this problem should be resolved in a peaceful manner.
Communicate with your mother-in-law more often, and with your concern for the family, be ahead of her attempts to infiltrate with your advice.
This will be difficult to do if she has been doing this for a long time. This requires a lot of persistence and perseverance from you.
This has become a habit for her and she can’t just unlearn it. Moreover, it depends on the mother-in-law herself. There are people who are used to holding everything in their hands. (your mother-in-law is most likely like this). Then your desire will not lead to anything useful. And discord in the family is guaranteed.
Choose. Is it worth it?
In general, everything will depend on your wife. Whose side is she on? If with you, then everything will work out.
You just need to separate (if you live together) - this is the main condition. If you live separately, it’s easier here. Try by hook or by crook to make sure that she visits you as little as possible.
Over time, he will get used to it and stop putting pressure on you.
Or maybe there is another reason? Maybe she needs someone else (for example, a man, so she can “have sex with him” and not with you). He will switch to another object and will have no time for you...
Think!
But don't cut it radically. You may offend a person.
How to wean your mother-in-law from interfering in someone else's family life?
The easiest way to wean your mother-in-law from meddling in family life is to solve this issue geographically. If you live in her apartment, then you shouldn’t be surprised at all that she will interfere in your personal life.
A common mistake is buying or renting a home nearby. The mother-in-law will come to visit very often and tell the couple what to do.
So you need to buy or rent housing as far away from your mother-in-law as possible. Sometimes it will be even better to go to another city, if possible.
But don't think that your mother-in-law is special. Almost all mothers-in-law interfere in the life of a married couple, sometimes unknowingly.
You should not limit your wife’s communication with her mother. It would be better for her to talk to her mother for an hour on the phone than for her mother-in-law to come in for several hours.
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Is it possible to wean your mother-in-law from interfering with your family?
It is simply impossible to wean an already established person with a lot of life experience. It's like forcing a cat to become a dog. The only way out is to find your own approach to this person. Under no circumstances should you play sport or bring matters to a scandal. If your mother-in-law is already very old, give her a small “discount” and respect her age. Since you are so lucky with her, you will have to develop special communication tactics. Learn to be a psychologist. If you live on its territory, you may not be surprised who’s boss. Young families simply need to live separately, in order to avoid conflicts, but there is no escape from them, and in very rare cases, mothers-in-law are silky. There are only a few of them.
Find your own approach to it.
Hello!
I ask for help or advice in this situation.
My beloved woman and I dated for 3 years on and off and recently (8 months) got married. We are trying to build our family together, organizing everyday life and comfort. We really want a child. There are, of course, conflicts, but we resolve them peacefully and without offense. We live separately in my parents’ second house.
My relationship with her mother did not immediately work out during the courtship period. She initially didn’t like me, and she tried to limit my communication with my daughter, forcing her to go out “by the hour,” feigning poor health, etc. Such situations have been described here more than once. Then still a future mother-in-law, she constantly controlled her daughter, even to the point of searching her purse and distrusting everything: “Where were you?”, “With whom?”, “I’ll call and check.” My girlfriend constantly argued with her mother on this basis. Her conversations with her mother (sometimes I intervened) gave only temporary results. When we decided to get married, my mother-in-law was not against it, and realizing that nothing could be changed, she expressed that this was our decision and would not interfere in our lives. But this control has remained, even worsened, to this day. The wife is brought to tears as she tries to explain to her mother that she already has her own family. But again the effect is temporary. And all this does not come to balance.
I don’t want to do a disservice, especially since my wife asks me not to interfere, convincing me that she will sort it out herself. With my temper, I can really do harm. But I want to help. With my spouse, we can talk openly and trust in almost everything, given a certain mood.
Please advise what to do?
Thanks for answers.
Konstantin, Atyrau, Kazakhstan, 25 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello, Konstantin.
Rebuilding relationships with parents in a young family is not always a quick process. Especially if parents use tactics of double standards: in words, a joyful acceptance of a new family member, practically listing beloved relatives on the lists, but in reality - gossip and intrigue behind their backs, up to obvious attempts to turn husband and wife against each other and divorce young spouses. It is very difficult to resist this game of survival, especially if the parents are clearly interested in the outcome. But the results of this struggle largely depend on the ability or desire of the young spouses to unite against these intrigues and intrigues. The subtlety of the moment lies precisely in the fact that if you begin to defend the interests of your wife alone, then you unwittingly get into her sovereign relationship with her mother. And according to the laws of the genre, your wife is obliged to rush to defend her mother and her right to sort things out with her on her own. But if you do not intervene at all, you will leave your wife without help and psychological support. And it will begin to seem to her that her mother is closer to her than her husband. Therefore, both you and your wife will now have a very difficult period. It’s not easy, because it’s always easier to unite against an obvious enemy, or to overcome everyday or financial difficulties. But recognizing the threat from your closest and dearest people and looking for compromises in the fight against them is always a huge restructuring, first of all, of your own consciousness. It will be very difficult for your wife now, perhaps even more difficult than for you. And the fate of your young family will depend on your mutual support.
Sincerely, Panfilova Natalya Alexandrovna.
