TO It seems that there is nothing difficult in communication; every person by nature has a language and the ability to use it. However, it often happens that when meeting people, having an important conversation, or on a date, people simply get lost, confuse their words, and cannot correctly express their thoughts and emotions. Even for a person who does not have any phobias or illnesses, the process of communication can be quite difficult.
Some people cannot defend their position in an argument or dialogue, others are afraid to talk to a stranger. Many people, even having been in a love relationship for a long time, have not learned to correctly express their feelings to their significant other. Hence misunderstandings, quarrels and resentments.
Very often people are too shy and tactful, they cannot protect themselves from attacks from more confident people. Such people simply do not know how to make a scandal and do not know how to properly put a boor in his place.
There are many situations and they are all different. But all problems are related to the inability to communicate. This can ruin your entire life. A person who does not know how to communicate will not be able to start a family, find a good job, or find true friends.
How to help yourself?
You can overcome your fears and lack of confidence in communication on your own. To do this, you don’t need to sit at home and read a bunch of books on psychology. Books are of little help here. This is where action needs to be taken. Surely every person knows in what situation it is most difficult for him to communicate. It is these situations that you need to look for in life, and the main thing is to gather all your will into a fist and not remain silent. It should be remembered that each person is a separate person with his own judgments and views on life. Don’t be afraid to stand up for your rights, don’t be afraid to communicate and express your opinion.
Before deciding on such an experiment, you should prepare a little. You need to think through in your head all the most terrible and negative consequences that can happen when you come into contact with others. Often, having sorted out all the possible consequences in his head, a person realizes that everything is not so scary. Well, really, what could happen? Is the stranger being rude? Well? For most people this is not the first time.
After this you need to act. You need to do everything that causes fear and uncertainty - meeting strangers, asking to give up your seat on public transport, “putting in their place” boors on the street. Experience comes with practice. After the first successful experiment, a person becomes more confident and proud of himself.
If it is not possible to practice directly on the street, it is worth working out possible situations in your head. It is very useful to analyze what happened before, perhaps now more suitable words will be found for that situation, perhaps fear and uncertainty prevented them from being uttered at that moment. Now, in a similar situation, there will be no questions about what to do, because all the behavior has already been worked out in advance in the head.
There are a few rules to remember that will help when communicating:
1) You need to be as confident as possible. Or at least at first imitate self-confidence.
2) You need to speak loudly and clearly.
3) When talking, you need to look into the eyes of your interlocutor, but this should not be done with a challenge, but calmly and with dignity
4) You should express your desires and demands confidently, using the word “I”
The most important thing in overcoming complexes is not to be afraid of failure and regularly maintain social contacts. You shouldn’t close yourself to your room; after work, you can go to a cafe, walk in the park, go to a shopping center and talk with consultants or sellers. A one-time success will quickly be forgotten if you do not constantly improve your communication skills. And most importantly, you should praise yourself for every small victory.
What hinders the success of a modern person the most? Clumsiness? Ignorance? Lack of culture and tact?
The biggest enemy of success is lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities!
It is a state of uncertainty that can nullify absolutely all plans and dreams, leaving you with nothing. This is what prevents you from living the way you want. But what to do about it? 
Uncertainty is a special type of phobia, which is aimed at resisting any actions - internal and external changes. This fear acts on the human psyche as an anchor, forcing him to maintain a sense of “stability” for as long as possible. This means that a person will maintain the state in which he is for as long as possible, even if it does not suit him radically.
As you know, if a person does not develop, he degrades. At advanced stages of self-doubt, a person stops taking care of his appearance, stops reading, being interested in life, and doing his favorite things. He turns into an amorphous and eternally dissatisfied creature. Yes, it’s tough, but most often that’s how it is.
The roots of self-doubt go far back to childhood. To a greater extent, this phobia depends on parental upbringing and only partly on the child’s environment.
When a child begins to understand himself as an individual, he experiences an urgent need for socialization. From 3-4 years old, a child needs to constantly maintain communication with other people. Naturally, most often they become parents, less often - grandparents.
Criticism of a child's actions and lack of praise is the main cause of childhood shyness, which develops into insecurity in adulthood. A person simply cannot understand that he is able to do something right and receive positive feedback for it, not criticism. Therefore, he chooses to do nothing.
Shyness and, as a result, lack of self-confidence are a serious problem in the modern world. So how to deal with uncertainty? 
There are a huge number of ways and methods that can be used to overcome feelings of self-doubt. We have identified 5 of the simplest and most effective.
1. “I am the best” or “I am the best”
Attention! From this second you become the most beautiful person in the Universe. Go to the mirror and try to find as many features that you like as possible. For example, a beautiful nose shape or an attractive eye shape. Resolutely reject all thoughts of imperfection and all doubts about your perfection.
If you do have shortcomings, then remember that most of them can be corrected: by going to the gym, eating right, getting a new hairstyle or makeup - you need to focus on the ideal image that you want to achieve. And most importantly, you need to notice the pleasant things in yourself every day and several times.
2. There are no actions without mistakes.
“Only those who do nothing make no mistakes.” If you have a dream, make a detailed plan for achieving it and... Run, walk, or at least crawl towards your goal, and sooner or later it will submit to you.
If you are afraid of the volume of necessary actions, or you don’t know where to start, start with the first step. Do something small, but leading to the goal and! During our trainings, participants walk on broken glass and hot coals. But after passing, everyone unanimously claims: “The first step is the most terrible, but as soon as it is taken, it becomes clear that everything is simpler and easier than it seems.”
Take action! And if uncertainty takes over, read the biographies of famous people and see how many mistakes they made in their lives. You will be surprised.
3. I am worthy of happiness
“I deserve to be happy (happy)” - you need to repeat this phrase to yourself constantly. After all, one of the biggest problems of insecure people is the fear of meeting the opposite sex. They cherish this fear, fearing rejection more than anything else. But to be honest, they are no less afraid of getting consent - because they don’t know what to do with it.
“I deserve to be happy (happy)” - let this phrase become your motto. Your mantra. By your spell. Just be yourself and remember that you deserve happiness.
4. You will succeed!
It doesn’t matter where you stand now, what matters is where you are going. Most great businessmen and famous people once started small. For example, Richard Branson, the famous British billionaire, sold Christmas trees, and Warren Buffett, the largest investor in the world, sold newspapers.
To become great, you need to think like a great one. We recommend reading autobiographies of great, famous and successful people. The experience of hundreds of students indicates that such books can give everything you need to remove self-doubt and fill yourself with strength for achievements and victories. !
5. Stop comparing yourself to other people
There are more than 7 billion people in the world. And among them there will definitely be someone stronger, smarter, more beautiful than you. It's unavoidable. Therefore, comparing yourself to others is a losing strategy.
But you can compare yourself today with yourself yesterday. See where you have improved, respond with your successes and achievements, and give yourself the credit you deserve. This will help you get new achievements every day and improve constantly.
6. Walk into fear!
One of the most important rules. Do everything that causes you fears, try and act. Perhaps not every action will bring success, but it will definitely add confidence. And every success will increase the strength of your personality at incredible speed.
- If you are afraid of heights, jump with a parachute!
- If you are afraid of a fiasco with the opposite sex, meet a couple of girls (or men) in a club!
- If you are afraid of appearing stupid in front of your superiors, write your own plan for streamlining your work process and present it at a general meeting!
Of course, it is very difficult to overcome yourself. And many prefer to sit in the shadows, not attracting attention. But this must be done, because this is the only way you can feel your importance. Only strong actions will help you overcome your indecision and gain inspiration for new achievements.
How to overcome self-doubt? People ask themselves this question when they realize that it is difficult for them to build relationships with others, defend their point of view, or pass an important interview when applying for a decent job. Low self-esteem prevents you from straightening your shoulders and starting to live life to the fullest, because a person is forced to constantly look around in anticipation of criticism or cringe when he hears laughter somewhere nearby and does not even know its real reason.
Fortunately, uncertainty is not a life sentence. With effort, you can develop self-confidence and feel like a strong and self-sufficient person.
- Love yourself. This is the very first and most important step towards your new perception of yourself. You can grin: what nonsense, you love yourself so much, how could it be otherwise? However, insecurity comes primarily from the inability to truly love yourself. Accept yourself. Go to the mirror, look at your reflection and confess your love to yourself. Nothing complicated, right? But not everyone can do this, much less sincerely. And the more difficult this exercise is for a person, the stronger his internal barriers. Squeeze out words of love addressed to you. Let them sound forced, the main thing is to do it. Repeat them every day, as soon as possible. Add to this compliments to yourself. Within a week you will feel that you have become more confident and it has become much easier for you to communicate with people.
- Praise yourself for every victory, even the smallest one. Have you made some delicious soup? Did you do a good job with your report? Helped your child solve a difficult problem? This means there is a reason to tell yourself that you are great and reward yourself with a cup of delicious tea or buy some nice little things. If something didn’t work out for you, don’t scold yourself, especially don’t reward your person with bad epithets. Mistakes are natural to humans. Most often, a mistake can be corrected.
- Take care of yourself. Confident people tend to take care of their appearance. Get a new hairstyle, book a manicure (this applies to men too!), allocate funds for new clothes. Try to always look neat and well-groomed. No matter how frantic the pace of your life is, give yourself at least 20 minutes a day. The results will not keep you waiting, very soon your self-esteem will increase.
- Stop comparing yourself to other people. Agree, there will always be people more successful, more beautiful and richer than you. And this is not at all a reason to doubt your attractiveness, abilities and luck. Sometimes those you try to compare yourself to don't have what you have. You are unique in yourself and do not have to be like anyone else.
- Try to communicate more with optimists. Laugh with them, enjoy life. Negative people have an amazing ability to infect others with their discontent. Don't give in to their pessimism.
- Write down a list of your strengths on paper. Remember as many qualities as possible for which you are respected and loved, as well as those of which you yourself can be proud. Look into it as often as possible, develop confidence that you are a strong, interesting and worthy person. You can also keep a special notebook where you will write down all the warm and approving words spoken to you by other people. As soon as you feel an attack of self-doubt approaching, re-read these words. The usefulness complex simply will not have a chance to exist.
- Find yourself a new activity. An activity that will really interest you. If you have been planning to go to the pool or take a foreign language course for a long time, now is the time to do it! Whatever you do, the main thing is that it brings you pleasure, because sparkling eyes attract. Plus you won't have time to be sad and doubt yourself.
- Contact strangers as much as possible. You can ask a passerby what time it is, strike up a conversation with a person in line at a store, or ask the cashier to change large amounts of money. These actions are simple and may seem like a small thing to some, but the more often you make contact with strangers, the more you will contribute to the development of your self-confidence.
- Don't let other people impose their point of view on you and teach you how you should behave. If someone is very vocal about your personal life, relationships with friends, or the way you dress, stop it by politely explaining that there are things you do not want to discuss.
- Don't be afraid to show emotions. It's okay not to hide your joy or dissatisfaction. Of course, in this case, you need to take into account the feelings of other people (no one has canceled this tact) and not lose the instinct of self-preservation (you shouldn’t run to your boss to tell him straight to his face everything you think about him). But you should not remain silent in unpleasant situations, nor should you hide the fact that you are pleased with something. People around you should know your attitude towards different things. This will make it easier for both them and you.
Diffidence- this is the presence of doubts in one’s skills, choices, strengths and the execution of plans, on the basis of which fear arises, and in critical cases even a refusal to take active actions. The feeling of self-doubt is closely related to the feeling of wrongness of oneself or the idea that some aspect of life is defective.
A similar sense of self is born in childhood, when a system of self-perception is formed based on the response of others. And if in emotional and active contact with the world there is no clarity in determining which actions and statements should be praised, and which should be punished or rejected, then in the future there will be no elements for building personal ideas about the negative and acceptable, everything is the same and hostile. It is the priority of external assessment of one’s own existence left over from childhood (people’s words, priorities proclaimed in culture) that leads to an increase in uncertainty.
The problem of self-doubt is due to the impossibility of different people reacting in the same way to one event, which means that the idea of the constancy of self-perception through other people's assessments is absurd and only leads to increased anxious uncertainty and exhaustion.
What is self-doubt?
Uncertainty relates to the result, which is an important mental property necessary for correlating one’s capabilities with the tasks of situations that arose along the way or goals assigned by the person himself. This is a kind of measuring device of our life, which makes it possible to control and expediently arrange the course of its events. Adequate self-esteem contributes to building harmonious relationships with people and the world, and predetermines a calm and sober outlook, where there is an understanding that the course of life is determined by its own laws and there is no goal in them to subjugate or elevate any of the people. Inadequate, at the behavioral level is expressed by uncertainty, fear of moving forward in life’s achievements or expressing one’s alternative opinion, stopping in implementation, etc.
The problem of uncertainty causes difficulties in communication, problems in realizing one’s own desires and plans, affects the emotional background by reducing it, the emergence of constant feelings, anxiety, and despair. A confident person is characterized by bright and emotional speech, the desire to openly and honestly voice his thoughts and present feelings, and the presence of moderate gestures correlated with the story. In a conversation, a confident person can contrast his opinion with others, is not afraid of seeming strange or not accepted, and accepts compliments without the desire to belittle his merits.
Self-doubt usually manifests itself in certain areas or situations, determined by the individual specific situation of the formation of this feeling, although there are situations when self-doubt becomes a defining characterological feature and penetrates into all areas.
The self-perception of an insecure person is quite deplorable; moreover, the feeling of insecurity begins to affect activities in the outside world, often interfering with or even stopping it. Wondering how to overcome self-doubt, people come to a psychologist’s office or even to a shaman for a ritual, looking for any means of relief.
Causes of self-doubt
The environment in childhood is responsible for the emergence of favorable conditions for the progression of self-doubt - the behavior patterns that a person sees at an early age are imprinted into the psyche and remain there as reference ones, as well as the reaction of significant adults and the environment to the child’s behavior form the type of reaction and behavior. For example, if any active actions lead only to a negative reaction from the outside world, then the child loses the ability to display any active activity. But we should not exclude the fact that the absence of a negative response is not always a protection against the development of insecurity. In a situation where there is no emotional reaction to what is happening, the so-called “emotional vacuum” (when there is neither a positive nor a negative reaction), self-doubt also develops.
Through his own actions and the subsequent response of reality to them, a person learns to build not only patterns of behavior, but also a picture of the world in which he finds himself. The absence of emotional reactions or constant only negative or formally positive reactions lead to confusion in determining the surrounding reality, causing anxiety and self-doubt.
Lack of self-confidence causes many problems in life, more and more people want to get rid of it, read special articles, sign up for trainings, but do not look at the root of the problem. Knowing the causes of self-doubt, you can prevent its occurrence or aggravation, and also draw up the most effective plan to overcome it.
The first and most profound reason is ignorance of oneself and the structure of the features of one’s inner world. When a person lives, focusing on external cues, then his self-perception consists of a set of social roles; they are unique for everyone and form an individual pattern, but are not the essence or reflection of the inner nature. After all, if you are a bad husband and son, but a good father and employee, this does not characterize you at all, it is an indicator of how you cope with a certain role.
If the assessment of oneself is based on the assessment of the roles performed, then the internal observer becomes confused and self-doubt arises. You should spend a colossal amount of time and effort to determine your inner essence, thereby removing yourself from identification with the functions you perform. As soon as such disidentification occurs, uncertainty disappears, you know exactly who you are, what you can, what you want, regardless of the situation, people and their opinions.
The problem of self-doubt correlates with the presence of... A person who has no idea why he lives and what he strives for, or who constantly changes his life priorities to please the desires of society, loses any motivation. When there is no motivation, everything is done through effort, forcing yourself. Such people do not have a twinkle in their eyes and that confident, persistent desire in everything, even everyday matters, that a person has who has chosen the meaning and direction for his life.
Ignorance of one’s true values and priorities is similar to ignorance of the meaning of life and introduces a disorganizing component into a person’s life. Confidence dissipates like fog if a person finds it difficult to explain to himself what is truly important and tries to build his life on the basis of other priorities that are alien to internal conformity. Such actions cause a feeling of insecurity and...
Feelings of self-doubt increase when you lose contact with your own body. Despite the need for great mental stress, a complete abandonment of physical sensations and actions in favor of mental ones is erroneous. In addition to the fact that working with the body gives a person a feeling of joy and involvement in the present moment, i.e. returns him to a living, not a thinking state; this is another deep source of clues. Focusing on one’s own physical sensations, a person begins to feel the world better, even to the point of predicting events. Naturally, your relationship with your own body influences the development of self-confidence.
Ignorance and inability to defend psychological boundaries is both the cause and consequence of self-doubt, completing the circle. Knowing boundaries allows you to improve positive communication and minimize negative communication. The most common sign of weakening internal boundaries is the inability to refuse, and the other pole of the same reason is refusing everyone. This behavior is formed in childhood, when refusal led to punishment, humiliation or provocation. In adulthood, the more a person bends, allowing others to destroy his boundaries and enter his personal territory with impunity (justifying this by the fact that the person is dear and loved), the more the defense function atrophies and, when the need really arises, the person may become confused from not knowing how to protect your mental state, doubting your abilities.
Signs of self-doubt
Self-doubt is a trait that has no age, gender or national characteristics. Most often it begins in childhood, but can also arise in adulthood, under the influence of life events. A sign that characterizes the presence of self-doubt is the reluctance to become the center of attention, it does not matter whether it is reprimand from the manager in front of the entire team or the presentation of an award on stage. For an insecure person, any increased attention to his person causes severe stress, since there is no positive experience of behavior in such situations.
Often there is embarrassment when receiving gratitude (while constantly seeking approval), a desire to downplay one’s merits or even make it seem like the person has nothing to do with what he is being praised for. The same fear turns on, because having accepted gratitude, we also accept responsibility for what has been done. This is a kind of statement to the world “I am,” while an insecure person tends, on the contrary, to disappear or become less noticeable.
Self-doubt also manifests itself on a physical level. Such people have a dull look, an emotionless quiet voice, and may stutter. Movements can be jerky (when they don’t know how best to please) or constrained (when fear, having manifested itself, begins to increase). The shoulders are usually rolled up, there is a stoop and hunching - all these manifestations are caused by the desire to hide, curl up, and take up as little space as possible.
In addition to these more or less obvious and logical signs of uncertainty, there are also more subtle ones. For example, frequent grievances are characteristic of people who cannot defend themselves and represent a manipulative way of influencing the situation, while a confident person will act openly. A person’s speech can tell a lot about him, so talkativeness, gossip, obscene expressions are just a mask, a defensive reaction behind which hides a vulnerable essence and the inability to find adequate ways to defend one’s interests.
Where there is no calm, open and friendly attitude towards oneself and others, uncertainty hides, and whether it is in fleeing or attacking form depends on the individual.
How to overcome self-doubt?
The first step towards overcoming feelings of self-doubt is to recognize its presence, not to run away from this fear, but to get to know it, to see in what situations it arises, what causes it to increase, and what decreases it. It is impossible to get rid of something that is not given a name. And only after identifying the problem can you make a plan to overcome self-doubt.
Start going beyond your usual actions and rituals, open the door to something new. Several times a week, do things that are atypical or scary to you. If you are sure that gray suits you, buy a red dress, you consider meeting people on the street unsafe, talk to a random passerby, and everything in the same spirit. The more you expand the list of such actions, the faster you will discover new interesting things in yourself and the world.
One of the reasons for the development of insecurity is the reason for losing contact with the body - return it. Sign up for the sport or dance that you like. Perhaps it will be yoga or jogging in the morning, or maybe a massage. Listen to your desires and carry out all the actions that will help restore vitality to your body. Side effects include improved posture, figure, well-being and sleep.
Connect to your mindful activities. Play out situations leading to your success, visualize, imagine smells, tastes and touches. Your task is to experience the upcoming activity as fully as possible in a positive way, using the emotional sphere. What we think about programs our activities, accordingly, the more often you scroll through a failed scenario, the more likely it is that in the situation that arises you will begin to act on it automatically. Be on the safe side - put a favorable, successful scenario into your subconscious.
Practice relationships. It is better to start with the closest people, as the safest in manifesting and initiating contact. Show your feelings, let it be for them in the form of a surprise - an invitation to the theater, a small present. Try to give positive emotions to others, using this as a way to build contact. But at the same time, listen delicately to yourself so that giving joy does not develop into serving and stepping on the throat of your own song.
There are many recommendations, but the essence is the same - you should gradually move forward without experiencing extreme unpleasant emotions. A certain tension, anxiety from the new - yes, fear, discomfort and compulsion - no.
How to overcome fear and self-doubt?
The inability to defend one’s interests, despite being completely right, to express one’s feelings in a form understandable to the opponent, to establish contact and get to know each other, to answer no, to lead people, to propose a new idea - these problems arise at the intersection of uncertainty and fear.
Due to constant failures in communication, the negative emotional background increases, and the person either finally stops trying to establish interaction and withdraws into himself, or becomes unnecessary in a defensive position. But before the critical point of no return has yet arrived, many are trying to do something about their social fear. Reading useful articles is the first step, but real actions, practiced in everyday life with real people, are necessary.
It is worth understanding this axiom that everyone has fears, insecurities and complexes. Successful in interaction is not the one who destroyed them in himself (this is impossible), but the one who concentrates on communication. Those. When talking with a person, the focus of your attention should be on the conversation and the topic being discussed, and not on your own fears. Otherwise, a vicious circle arises - you think about your fears, scrolling through various options for fiasco, while your brain is busy with your own thoughts, the interlocutor suffers from lack of attention, you miss significant parts of the conversation, which is why communication becomes a failure. If you monitored a person’s emotional reactions, built a decent selection of arguments, i.e. were in the conversation itself, then everything would have gone well.
Another common fear is not being accepted or appreciated. It is almost genetically determined, because being an outcast in ancient times meant inevitable death. From this fear comes hesitation in expressing one’s own individuality, the desire to keep a low profile and blend in with the crowd. The paradox is that it is the gray ones and no personalities that are interesting or important. It is more interesting to learn about even the most ardent enemy and this emotionally involves you in communication more than a person who is trying to please and does not have his own opinion. Strive to live by your own convictions, without trying to please everyone. There will always be those who will be dissatisfied with you, only in one case you live to please them, betray yourself and deprive yourself of pleasure, in the second you may also not be liked by others, but get a thrill by living your own interests. And most likely, it is precisely this position in life that will attract friends, supportive people and like-minded people to you.
Overcoming any fear and self-doubt lies in constant training and gradually raising the bar. If you are afraid of heights, then begin to gradually rise higher and higher, start by looking out from the second floor balcony, gradually reaching the roof of a high-rise building or the top of a mountain. It’s the same with communication - if you’re scared of meeting people, then you can start by asking three people a day for their time, then getting to know each other, and then holding half-hour dialogues with new acquaintances. It is important to gradually build up the missing scaring skill.
If your uncertainty and fear of failure are caused by an objective lack of knowledge (for example, professional knowledge), then there is no point in developing a confident voice and rehearsing a convincing speech - it is worth improving your qualifications and the presence of knowledge in itself will fill the missing reserve of calm.
The main rule of victory is friendliness. You may have any shortcomings, not meet high criteria, enter a completely unfamiliar company, but if you show friendliness, then you are the one who is psychologically right, and the people around you, instead of attacking, ridiculing or pointing out mistakes, will strive to suggest, help or protect.
Practicing psychologist and author of several books, Melanie Greenberg, wrote an article for Psychology Today magazine about where the roots of our self-doubt lie. In her opinion, there are three main reasons for this. Each of them can be successfully fought, but the main thing is to understand where the legs of our fears grow from.
3 reasons for lack of self-confidence
Scientists who study the phenomenon of happiness have found that how happy we are depends 40% on the latest events in our lives. The worst effect on us is the end of a relationship, the death of loved ones, loss of a job, or illness. Because adversity affects self-esteem, we may lose self-confidence after adversity.
In his book Emotional First Aid, psychologist Guy Witch writes that people with low self-esteem experience their failures longer. “When we lose our job, for example, it seems to revive our old thoughts about our own worthlessness and give them new strength,” he says.
Reason #1 - Recent failure or refusal
It is important to understand that failure is a part of life. Before becoming president, Abraham Lincoln was first kicked out of office, and then twice failed elections to Congress. If you manage to achieve a goal, despite failures, this powerfully raises self-esteem to new, previously unattainable heights.
How to Deal with Uncertainty Caused by Failure
- Give yourself time to recover and adapt to new conditions.
- Don't isolate yourself and continue to do what is interesting and arouses curiosity.
- Connect more with friends and family to take your mind off bad thoughts and feel safe.
- Talk about your failure with people you trust.
- Don't give up and keep working hard towards your goal.
- Be willing to try a different strategy.
Reason #2 - Social anxiety
Many of us are afraid of situations that involve communicating with strangers: parties, large family celebrations, interviews. We fear that we will be judged and perhaps not considered worthy of attention - this makes us worry and feel insecure.
