I'm lost. I don't know what to do in this situation.
Let's start with the fact that I love my boyfriend very much. He is Russian, I am Tatar. Everything would be fine if it weren’t for my parents.
I grew up in a family in which religion and customs stood above all else. I was raised strictly, especially by my mother. From an early age I was told that marriage between different nationalities does not lead to good things. They proceeded from what they themselves saw. Relatives and acquaintances often built relationships with representatives of a different nationality, which the parents of each couple were not happy with, but in most cases they still put up with it.
Now I am 20 years old and studying at university. I met my boyfriend about 3 years ago. It should be noted that he is my first, just like I am his. We communicated with him for 2.5 years only by messages and letters. The fact is that literally a couple of months after we met him, he was drafted into the army. But we managed to become so attached to each other that now we can’t even go an hour without hearing our favorite voice. He was in the army for 2 years, he was delayed for a year due to problems he had there (they wanted to put him in prison, but fortunately he got off with probation). I didn’t leave him even on such days, despite his letters asking me to live on without him, because he no longer hoped to return. After all the painful experiences, he returned several months ago, in the winter. We were simply in seventh heaven! But..
Every time I come home for the weekend (I study in another city), my mother begs me not to meet Russians! Sometimes she says things that make me feel uneasy! That if I disobey them, I may not come home anymore, that the whole family will abandon me, they won’t help me, and the most important thing I’m afraid of is that my dad won’t understand me.. my dad is the person I love most, whom I value very much.
Besides me, there is an older brother in the family who has threatened more than once that if he finds out about this, he will kill everyone there, that he will not allow such a shame!
and so every time... the parent’s heart still feels something, it’s not for nothing that they would tell me that.
I thought for a long time about what I should do. I’m afraid if they find out, then my mother will get very sick (she has a weak heart, she shouldn’t be nervous about anything), and my dad will drink, which is detrimental for him and for the family. And in the end they either They will kick me out, or they will forbid me to talk or see him.
I want to say one thing, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t hide it from the people closest to me. Every time I come home I cry. Nervous illnesses have started.
My boyfriend knows all this, he understands me. He says we’ll survive, I won’t leave you.
but I can’t do this anymore, I just don’t have the strength.
2 days ago I told him. No matter how much I loved him, we would have to break up. He thought I was joking, but realizing that everything was serious, he didn’t really try to persuade me. If, he says, it will be easier for you, then so be it. and that is all.
I keep crying, I feel very bad, I’m torn between my parents and him! I miss him very much! But I can’t even decide to go against my parents.
Please give me some advice, what should I do?
(he’s from another city; after the army, because of me, he moved to the city where I’m studying at the moment. He hasn’t had time to get on his feet yet, there’s nothing behind him. Even introducing him to his parents, I’m afraid, would be completely pointless: a man with nothing, no education , with a suspended sentence and Russian, and I’m fairly well off.
11.03.2016 11:11:23
Nanny. Neneika. Nanayka. Neney. Sahibyamal. Sahibjamal. Sonya.
Girl, girl, woman, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, soul. A journey of 83 years. Women's destiny. Being born in 1915 is not a field for you to cross. Somewhere in the Chekmagushevsky district of Bashkiria, in post-pre-war Russia.
And I am from her, from her, her.
On October 15, 15, she would have turned exactly one hundred years old. But it didn’t come true. But the children and grandchildren still gathered, the mullah came, baked gubadia with dried apricots and raisins, and drank black tea with milk. They remembered her, were silent, wiped away tears, shared simple joys and sorrows. Old children, mature grandchildren, a generation of indigo great-grandchildren. And that day I had a flight at 15.15 from Sochi to Moscow. I also remembered while sitting at the airport. Sahibjamal, do you know that today there are more than 40 people walking the earth, girls and boys, happy and so-so, rich and not so rich, ordinary, hardworking, simple, living. And they are all from you, from you, yours.
And I, nanny, am already 33, our Miroslava is four. And where are you? How are you doing or are you already here? Somewhere among us again? You said that there is only one God and his name is Allah. And I want to believe in reincarnation and second chances. For myself. For all.
I remember the nanny always said: “The main thing is to marry a Tatar, I don’t ask you for anything else.” And I laughed, so crazy, not appreciating anything, not knowing, not even guessing, I answered: “Oh, nanny, what difference does it make, the main thing is for love,” I curled my curls with a curling iron, put on nylon tights, and ran away from home. And it seemed to me then that you forever, always were, are and will be. And your presence. My source, my roots, my land, my song - you.
She had a husband, one for life. With the name Lukman. I remember she told me how she chose him. They lived in a village, and a guy from a rich family wooed her. She refused him. He says that a husband should be an equal to his wife, and a wife to her husband. So that no one is ashamed, so that everyone is equal. And Lukman gave birth to nine children, seven of whom are alive and well. Grandfather, like any normal man, wanted sons. And when once again his wife gave birth in the house, he sat on the threshold, waited, and smoked. They shouted to him: “Lukman, a girl is born!” And he, taking a drag from a bitter rolled-up cigarette, swore: “Eh, b...b, again, b...b!”
Of all the children, I loved and remembered most often the one who accidentally died. Farit. First Farit. She told me that the maturlyk was born this way. With blue eyes and black eyelashes. She made him a sailor's suit, with a blue collar and stripes. The whole village oohed and aahed at what a beautiful baby he turned out to be. They jinxed the guy. He died in his sleep, for no reason, just a baby. She again named her next son Farit. This is how she is, a woman’s faith in goodness. He is still alive. He has two beautiful daughters Linara and Elvira, who have beautiful children Irene and Zarina. This is how good conquers death, grief, and despair. She often spoke about her beloved son, but without tears, with silence in her heart, with humility before the will of Allah.
We've all gone crazy here, nanny. Here no one believes in marriage or holy union anymore, they don’t want more children, the younger ones have stopped listening to the elders, nicknames are no longer a guarantee, no one gives a damn about anything at all. With your departure everything went to hell. And I, nanny, am already 33, our Miroslava is four. Where are you now?
Sahibjamal got up in the dark and always opened the curtains. She said that God should be allowed into the house. That in the morning God distributes good luck to everyone, and if you don’t wake up and open the curtains, then God will pass by. Morning prayer, waist-length braid, small comb, homemade rosary, clean cotton scarf on the head. She loved dresses made of colorful chintz, always one cut, straight with a round collar. Always beads and earrings with red ruby. I was happy about hot water like a child, and all my life I was grateful for it, that I could go turn it on and wash myself in hot water. She enjoyed hot tea like a child and drank it from large cups, black, strong and always with milk. She baked the best pies, pies, pancakes in the universe and said that a man is like a dog, where they feed well, that’s where he goes. Chuck-chuck, noodle soup... Potatoes were perfectly fried in a century-old cast-iron frying pan with a crispy crust. And the husband was alone for life. Whatever it is. My grandfather left a month after I was born. He died of pneumonia. After the bath he came out hot and wide open. I imagine him, brave, thin, tall, dashing. With a bitter rolled-up cigarette, in a white T-shirt, with stubble and a wolfish look. Only one phrase reached me from him. When they brought me from the maternity hospital, he looked and said: “This will do a lot of good, look how thick and strong her legs are, she’ll be a normal woman.” I think about this often, I don’t want to let my grandfather down, I start to believe and get back on my strong feet. And I keep going.
Sahibjamal or Sonya for Russian speakers. She was so envious of those who went to school and who could read and write. She ran away to the village school to study, but they returned her. It was necessary to work, there was no time for knowledge. And she began to teach herself to read and write, first she learned the letters, then she began to write and read. I often found her reading Soviet newspapers. With such trepidation, I read the headlines, then the articles. She loved Gorbachev like a son, and hated Hitler. My stove, my childhood sleep, my warmth, my food, my prayer - you.
And I loved sleeping with her. They say that women look for their father in men. But it seems to me that women are looking for their nannies. My Sahibjamal was damn comfortable to sleep with. She stroked my back before bed, hugged me with her strong, reliable arms, and patted my butt with such desperate love. I fell asleep in some kind of cosmic cocoon of unconditional love, where they are ready to give me everything, where they are ready to give their life for me, where the whole past is for me and my future, where I am a small green leaf on a big mighty branch. Where I am and I am loved.
Everything is interesting. They say that if you don't get married, you'll grow old alone. If you don't have children, you'll grow old alone. My Sahibjamal lived with Lukman for half his life, was a faithful wife, and outlived him. Sahibjamal gave birth to nine children, and in the last days before leaving, there was no one at home except me. Parents have a dacha, other children have TVs, worries, vanity, seedlings. She died simply from old age, from fatigue, from wear and tear, from work, from everyone’s worries, from winters and years. She died alone. No one patted you on the head, no one said “thank you,” no one held your hand, no one hugged you goodbye. In the evening my parents returned from the dacha, and I went for a walk, drink wine, listen to music, and meet a guy. And in the morning the message “the nanny died.”
A journey of 83 years. And I was born in 83rd year. And I, nanny, am already 33, our Miroslava is four. And where are you?..
In the “Column” section, texts are published that express the personal opinion of the publicist - the author of the column, which does not always coincide with the official position of the editorial office of the “Public Electronic Newspaper”, the news agency “Bashinform”, or any government bodies.
Family is highly valued. Marriage is considered a natural necessity for procreation. Among the Tatars, marriage is a sacred duty for any man. And a woman's sacred duty is to be a good wife.
Since childhood
From childhood, girls are taught that they must obey their husbands in everything. Girls are taught to run the household and keep the house clean. Little ones get used to obeying men from the cradle - first they obey their father and brothers. Therefore, in the future, submission to their husband does not cause protest in them.
From birth, little Tatar women are instilled with respect for men and older family members. They know that when they go to join their husband’s family, they practically cease to be a member of their own family, but move to another.
Little girls do housework, clean, wash, cook. All this will be useful to the young wife in the future. At the same time, they realize that they will not be the mistress of their husband’s house if they have to live with his parents. Therefore, Tatar women get married with the full consciousness that this is so necessary.
As it was before
Previously, the choice of a wife was largely influenced by economic considerations. Previously, it was not so much a wife for a specific man that was chosen, but a bride for the family. And the family needed a worker who could give birth to healthy and strong children.
A Tatar wife must have an easy-going character, be hardworking and respect her husband’s parents. Girls were chosen during seasonal work. While working, the girls were observed and their work skills were assessed.
If she appeared in the house, then the mother-in-law stopped doing anything around the house, since it was considered unworthy of her. The daughter-in-law had to get up earlier than her mother-in-law in the morning. If the mother-in-law was still busy with some kind of business, then the daughter-in-law could not idle at that time.
The wife had to be 3-5 years younger than her husband. It was also great for his future wife. The social status of the husband's and wife's families was supposed to be the same.
The wife had to be of pure descent, that is, she could not be illegitimate. The wife's behavior before the wedding had to be impeccable. And a girl could ruin her reputation with an extra smile or a glance towards men.
The wife had to be a virgin. Sometimes widows were married, less often divorced people. Such women still had to give birth to children.
Much attention was paid to the health of the potential daughter-in-law. She should not have had chronic diseases. Also, there should be no inherited diseases in the family.
Nowadays
The wife's responsibilities have not changed to this day. By the time the husband arrives from work, the table should be set and the house should be cleaned. Also, raising children is entirely the responsibility of the mother. Until now, the wife cannot pack up her things and go to her relatives if the relationship in the family has not worked out. That is, she can leave, but her relatives will not accept her.
In the present, the wife is charged with the following duties:
Live in your husband's house;
- agree to intimate intimacy at the appropriate time in the appropriate place, if decency and health allow;
- be a faithful wife, avoiding intimacy with strangers;
- do not appear in public places without a good reason;
- do not acquire property for your husband and do not hire servants.
Punishment for disobedience can be corporal punishment, imprisonment (house arrest) or divorce.
Every nation has its own customs and traditions that relate to literally all aspects of life. Including family and kinship relationships. These customs and traditions, going back centuries, are one of the most characteristic features inherent in each ethnic group. How, for example, do Tatars treat their relatives?
The main features of Tatar family etiquette
From time immemorial, the basic rules governing family etiquette were: respect for elders, hard work, and raising children. Until now, these rules are strictly observed in many Tatar families, especially religious ones, as well as those living in small towns and rural areas.
The greatest respect is given to the grandfather (babai) and grandmother (ebi). During a joint meal, they sit in places of honor and are addressed with emphasized politeness. In many traditional Tatar families, three generations of relatives still live under one roof, and it is the grandparents who instill in the younger generation a love of national traditions and customs.
Tatars love children very much, attaching great importance to their birth and upbringing. It’s not for nothing that they have: “A house with children is a house, a house without children is a cemetery” (“Balaly is a bazaar for her, Balasyz is a mazar for her”). But they try not to spoil them, to involve them in work, although there are some exceptions, as in any nation. From a very early age, children are taught that the basis of well-being is work, honesty and prudence. Elders often instill in them: “We are a hardworking people,” “It is the one who succeeds.”
Approximately every fifth or sixth couple in Crimea is one where the husband and wife belong to different cultures. You can’t order your heart, although within the Crimean Tatar community the tendency to bring “not your own” into the family is perceived more sharply than in the Slavic environment.
Despite the fact that in our time marriage is generally not easy to maintain, many additional contradictions arise in the interethnic sphere. We have to find a common language on various issues, from religious to everyday. What names to give to children, what religion will they be, how to build relationships with in-laws, what holidays to celebrate... We visited families who found harmony, even though they had to “break pots” at one time.
Against - until the last
Stanislav and Elvina Stakhursky live in the village of Rodnikovo near Simferopol, together with Elvina’s parents. Which, by the way, were once categorically against this union. For a long time they could not accept their daughter’s choice. Elvina’s mother, Ava Umerova, recalls scandals and tears: “I wanted to protect her from a negative attitude and was afraid that Elvina would face this. We moved to Crimea in the early nineties, to Evpatoria. My husband and I went looking for work. And everywhere I met opposition; as soon as it came to the name, the employer changed his face. Suddenly, a vacancy that had previously been vacant became filled. They remembered that someone had already gotten a job. They were prejudiced, it was very offensive. I had formed an “armor”; I was afraid that in a Russian family my daughter would be treated like a second-class person. I was against this marriage."
The father was also categorical: only a Crimean Tatar could be a husband. Knowing this, Elvina hid her love from her mom and dad and confronted them with a fact: “I’m marrying Stanislav.”“My mother never raised me in hatred, even experiencing such an attitude towards herself,” Elvina recalls. “I understood perfectly well that everything depends on the person.” I had to stand up for my choice, I cried, I was upset that my parents did not accept my love. I was 19 years old when we got married and lived with Slava’s parents. He was received well; in general, his parents were not against it. The first child was born, the question arose of what to name it. They sorted through different ones and agreed on a name common to Russians and Crimean Tatars: Timur. Then she gave birth to her second son, Damir. And they finally moved in with my parents. Now, if my husband and I quarrel, my mother even protects Slava from me.”
The compromises did not end there; who are the children: Crimean Tatars or Russians, Muslims or Christians? All these questions were included in the recent population census in Crimea, so I had to think about it. They decided to register their sons as Russians who profess Islam. So far we find common points everywhere: Russian culture and language are close to us. Slava, in turn, is trying to learn Crimean Tatar.”
Decades of experience
Enver and Elena Abdullaev have been married since 1989. That year, soldier Enver, one of six brothers and sisters, served near Perm. While on leave, he met his future wife, who was only 17 years old. For a long time he was afraid to write to his mother about his intention to get married and come home. Anticipating the parents' reaction, he told only his sisters. “I thought that they wouldn’t accept me, I was ready to stay in Perm,” Enver recalls. But the parents said: come back! The family lived in the village of Tashmore near Tashkent, where they ended up after long wanderings in deportation.
Elena and Enver Abdullaev. Photo: From personal archive
“I remember my grandmother told me that I would not marry a Russian,” recalls Elena Abdullaeva. “They received me well, and within a day I was already calling my mother-in-law mom.” I remember this moment well: I stood with a basin of washed clothes and said: “Mom, where should I hang it?” Then I became mine. It took a long time to get used to the names and language. But this was not a problem, I was still a girl then and learned quickly. It was as if I had been brought up again, only in the Crimean Tatar traditions. Then my sister said that my mother loved Enver and me more than them.”
A little later, the Abdullaevs’ entire family returned to Crimea. Lena fully accepted all the difficulties of resettlement life and did not separate herself from her family. Then the first-born Rustem was born. The husband chose the name, and Elena named her daughter herself - Leviza.
Surprisingly, Enver Abdullayev, who has a happy marriage behind him, treats interethnic unions with great caution. He explains this: he was young, he thought more about love than about the difficulties that he had to face. Not everyone is lucky enough to have their wife fully accept her husband’s culture. But for many it’s different; disputes arise over every step.
Therefore, you need to approach this very responsibly, think before you get married. It is advisable to discuss all the rough edges and come to a common decision before the wedding, then it will be too late.”Did not work out
Victoria’s story differs from the previous ones in that her family relationships did not work out. But she herself does not connect this with any religious or national difference.
“I grew up next to the Crimean Tatars and know their culture and family relationships well. I really liked how they respect their parents,” Victoria shares. - And in general, their family relationships. I had a stereotype about Crimean Tatar men that they were exemplary fathers, because all my girlfriends had exactly that. I knew mixed marriages where people loved each other and got along well in the family. I was married to a Russian, the relationship didn’t work out, we just didn’t get along. Then I married a Crimean Tatar, I realized that in fact, everything depends on the individual person. He was not the model family man I had imagined. We had a son, the child needed an example that my husband did not have. We parted".
Need an exclusive
According to the head of the Institute of CIS Countries, Andrei Nikiforov, political scientists see the painful reaction of the Crimean Tatars to interethnic marriages as a natural defense against the processes of globalization. But sealing ethnic communities is impossible; global trends, on the contrary, dictate maximum openness. Family and cultural relationships, by and large, can be separated in a family, but they are very closely related, the specialist believes.
“We need to find a Crimean Tatar exclusive. This is an area that cannot be supplanted or “crushed”: it is necessary to preserve folklore, way of life, culture, not only traditional, but also modern.
For example, now Crimeans of different nationalities are interested in the Crimean Tatar language, and there are people who want to study it. If such interest continues, additional areas of application of the Crimean Tatar language will appear. And being in a different linguistic environment, which has long been theirs for the Crimean Tatars, will also not be a problem,” - Nikiforov is sure.
Opinion
Chief Imam of the Simferopol region Raim Gafarov:
“It is prescribed in the Koran: nations were created to know each other. In Islam, all nations are equal; when it comes to choosing a life partner, it is preferable for Muslims to create families with fellow believers. There is a verse in the Koran that states that Muslim men can marry “people of the book”—that is, Christians and Jews. But at the same time, the prophet said that of the many reasons for choosing a wife, the most important is her fear of God. In turn, Muslim women must marry fellow believers. This is important for the preservation of customs and religion. In order for there to be harmony, the spouses must have the maximum number of points of contact, then people will understand each other perfectly. Not every couple manages to be so wise and tolerant as to survive all the contradictions in an interethnic marriage.”
There is such a term as “social distance index in relation to representatives of other nationalities.” The higher the index, the greater the desire to keep “our own among our own.” This index was measured by specialists from the Institute of Sociology of the Academy of Sciences of Ukraine. It turned out that for Russians it is 2.16 (low), for Jews - 3.89 (average), for Crimean Tatars - 5 (high). However, sociologists believed that over the years this index would decrease among representatives of all nations. Indirect evidence of this is provided by surveys in recent years regarding interethnic marriages in Crimea. 40% of the population have a positive attitude towards them, 25% believe that this is a private matter for each couple, and only 18% consider it unacceptable.
PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
IN RUSSIAN-TATAR FAMILIES
Makhortova Guzel Khasanovna- Candidate of Psychological Sciences.
Education: Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University. M.V. Lomonosov 1983-1988;
2006 - defense of the candidate's dissertation "Dependence of the emotional development of children of senior preschool and primary school age on the nature of intra-family relationships."
2009 - 2011 - Moscow Institute of Analytical Psychology and Psychoanalysis.
Married, two children, grandson.
Problems of interethnic marriages, in particular, where one of the spouses is a representative of the Tatar nation, and the other is Russian, have recently attracted increased interest. And due to the fact that in a metropolis it is increasingly difficult to adhere to the traditions of our ancestors, the mass media popularize free relationships, freedom of views, and the values of the traditional Tatar family are eroded and assimilated into a multilingual, multinational space. It is increasingly difficult to educate the younger generation so that it adheres to the principles of national self-identification. There is a good saying: “if youth knew, if old age could.” In the second half of life, the spiritual values of the people, religion, when a person thinks about the meaning of life and death, his memory returns to its origins, the features and specifics of which help to cope with hardships and adversities in a period when sunset is getting closer.
Analyzing the material on a given topic, I came to the following conclusions.
Relationships in a family, where one of the spouses is Russian and the other is Tatar, largely depends on the traditions of communication, the participation of the spouses in running the household, on the type of family: large, childless, who dominates, on the personal qualities and character of relatives. Although Russians and Tatars have lived side by side for many centuries, there are still quite significant specificities, primarily at the everyday level, which cannot but affect family relationships, these are:
- housekeeping, budget;
- parenting;
- the responsibility of family members for the behavior of its members in society, in various fields of activity, is an obligation between spouses, parents and children, the older generation for the younger;
- spiritual communication – spiritual enrichment of each family member;
- social status relations - providing family members with a certain social position in society;
- leisure relations – organization of rational leisure, development of mutual enrichment of interests of each family member;
- emotional relationships - the implementation of psychological protection for each family member, the organization of emotional stability of the individual, psychological therapy.
It is noted that in intra-family relationships, spouses are often wary of unfamiliar customs, values, and patterns of behavior, which impede a positive, accepting and supportive attitude towards the other.
V.P. Levkovich (Features of marital relationships in families of different nationalities // Psychological Journal. 1990. No. 2. P. 25-35), exploring relationships in families of different nationalities, suggests that the source of destructive marital relations in interethnic families may be the contradictory needs of spouses, based on the differences in their national cultures, forming the specifics of the national consciousness and self-awareness of the spouses, which is especially clearly manifested in the sphere of family and everyday customs and traditions . Consequently, the successful adaptation of spouses in a multinational family depends on how capable they are of overcoming the contradictions caused by the specific national cultures of the marriage partners.
In these conditions, it is important to maintain ethical tolerance, focused on mutually respectful relationships, and the preservation of ethnic and cultural diversity.
It is also important how much the spouses identify themselves with a particular ethnic group, for example, Russian or Tatar, and how much they repeat the behavior of their parents in the families in which they grew up.
In the work of A.M. Aminova (Tatar and Russian folk culture. Kazan, 1998) The national cultural traditions of Tatar and Russian families are analyzed. In particular, it is noted that traditionally Tatar families were quite large. Almost half were families of six or more members. The most desirable thing in a Tatar family was the birth of a boy. From an early age, sons were forced to work with their father and other older men in the family and were introduced to male labor. The daughters helped their mother. Great emphasis was placed on instilling moral qualities. They strictly ensured that the child did not learn to drink, smoke, or play games condemned by society. “The children were taught to live by Sharia law. The power of the father was decisive in raising children. From an early age, the girl heard that one must be submissive to her husband, “for obedience to him is equal to obedience to God,” and the boy knew that he had to be master over his wife.”
Among the Tatars, like many other peoples, the head of the family was the husband. Land, work equipment, and livestock were concentrated in the hands of the head of the family. He was the owner of the entire family's property, movable and immovable, which he could dispose of at his own discretion. Owning all the property, the head of the family had power over the rest of its members, on which the moral authority of the family rested. In addition, power was strengthened thanks to the Muslim tradition, which fully protected the rights of the husband, declaring him the actual owner of the entire family.
The main form of marriage was matchmaking. The choice of spouses was decisively influenced by economic or other “business” considerations and the will of the parents. In addition to matchmaking, there was also marriage through the unauthorized departure of a girl to her chosen one. In such cases, the wedding was not held.
For a Russian person, the family has always been the focus of his moral and economic activity, the meaning of existence, the support not only of statehood, but also of the world order. Having a family and children was just as necessary, just as natural, as it was necessary and natural to work. The family was held together by moral authority. The traditional head of the family enjoyed such authority. Kindness, tolerance, mutual forgiveness of insults turned into mutual love in a good family. Grumpiness and quarrelsomeness as character traits were considered a punishment of fate and evoked pity for their bearers. One had to be able to give in, forget the offense, respond kindly or remain silent. The wife held all management of the household in her hands. The owner, the head of the house and family, was, first of all, a mediator in the relations between the farmstead and the land society. By the way, in a respectable family, any important matters were decided at family councils, and openly, in front of the children. Marriages were created through matchmaking.
Tatars and Russians have been living side by side for many centuries, and this centuries-old residence on the same territory, long-standing economic and cultural ties, close communication in everyday life and in work could not but leave an imprint on the nature of interethnic contacts. In the Republic of Tatarstan, according to the 2002 population census, the number of marriages between Tatars and Russians is approximately 1/3 of the total number of marriages, and among those oriented towards interethnic marriages, Russians give preference to marriages with Tatars, 34.9%, and Tatars with Russians - 42.5%.
Indicative in this regard is the fact that many spouses in Russian-Tatar families in everyday communication do not make any distinction between who is Tatar and who is Russian, which can be explained by the duration of cohabitation, the widespread prevalence of interethnic marriages, cultural and linguistic closeness, and the duality of self-awareness.
In interethnic marriages, ethnic identity has its own characteristics. In mixed marriages of Russians and Tatars, young people accept predominantly Tatar nationality, while in mixed marriages of Russians with other peoples, children more often choose Russian nationality. Apparently, the ethnic influence of the Tatars in mixed marriages is still exaggerated here, especially in recent decades. However, when considering the issue of mixed marriages between Tatars and Russians, one should take into account the extremely important aspect of the nationality of the mother and father specifically. “It seems that in those families where the mother is a Tatar, up to half of the children become Tatars, but if the father is a Tatar, then in most cases the children become Russian.” So in the work of Gorodetskaya I.M. (“Relationships between spouses in mono- and multi-ethnic marriages of Russians and Tatars”) It is noted that marital satisfaction depends on conflict zones regarding the distribution of roles in the family. For example, in Russian families, a clearly visible conflict zone is the “sexual partner,” where marital satisfaction is low. There are quite a lot of areas where conflicts can occur in Tatar families, but they are not related to the main family roles - raising children, financial support, “sexual partner” and the role of “master”, and therefore marital satisfaction is higher. In multiethnic marriages there are a lot of conflict zones, both in the main roles and in the “minor” ones, in particular, “the organization of a family subculture.” It seems that this leads to lower emotional attractiveness of spouses and, accordingly, to low marital satisfaction. In monoethnic families, there are no conflict zones regarding the main roles. It can be assumed that this also leads to high marital satisfaction, that is, role congruence and role expectation leads to high marital satisfaction. Russians and Tatars are the largest ethnic groups in the Russian Federation. In their relationship there is tolerance and mutual acceptance. However, it is impossible to talk about the complete absence of interethnic tension between these two ethnic groups, which would be impossible in a multicultural society.
Based on the example of statistics from sociological studies conducted in Tatarstan, it is said that almost a third of marriages are between people of different nationalities. Sociologists see their subtleties in this issue. One of the last major studies in this area was carried out in 2010, then the Tetyushsky district of the republic, the most colorful and multinational, was analyzed. It is home to approximately 24 thousand people: 11 thousand in the city, and 13 thousand in the countryside. According to the study “Ethno-cultural traditions as the basis for strengthening the family on the example of the Tetyushsky district of the Republic of Tatarstan” (authors: Galiullina G.R., Ildarkhanova F.A., Galeeva G.I.), it doesn’t matter to a Russian person what nationality his wife or husband is. But Tatars are the most selective in this matter: in 90% of cases they marry a person of their own nationality.
Scientists have studied which nationality usually dominates in a mixed marriage. It turned out that it was a gender difference. Whatever religion the wife professes, the family as a whole adheres to this religion. Moreover, holidays are usually celebrated either by both traditions, or only by the wife’s traditions. Children are raised according to the same principle.
Moreover, in recent years, researchers note, society’s attitude towards mixed marriages has also changed. Although young people, when getting married, very rarely pay attention to the opinions of relatives and friends, society has become more tolerant of their preferences. Initially, Tatar marriages are stronger. Russian marriages do not last that long. Mixed marriages were on average longer in duration than purely Russian ones, but shorter than purely Tatar ones. However, recently, when mixed marriages have become more and more common, statistics have shown the following picture: if children born in a mixed marriage start a purely Tatar family, then the duration of such a marriage is less than for children born in a purely Tatar marriage. The Russian picture of the family influenced. It is less stable.
In big cities, mixed marriages are normal. In the villages it’s still a little more complicated, where traditions are valued more. And our villages are mostly either Russian or Tatar. There are few mixed villages. If a Russian wife is brought to a Tatar village or a Russian husband arrives, then they will look at them askance, and in terms of intercultural communications it will be difficult to get used to. The city is universal from this point of view.
So Amina, 38 years old, says: “A Tatar man is different from a Russian man. I have something to compare with. My first husband was absolutely Russian. A man with Tatar roots looks more into the house than out. His interests are concentrated on his family, while a Russian’s are on external interests and hobbies.”
Tatyana and Ildar have a different, sad experience. They live in Kazan and have been dating for six years. From the first year, Ildar’s mother was against their relationship, even disowned her son. “His mother wears a headscarf, she is a believer. He is a Muslim. I'm not suitable for them. We still don't communicate with our parents. We are trying to improve our relationship, Ildar protects me, stands up like a mountain, for which I am very grateful to him,” says Tatyana. She has fears that with age, religion will become more important to Ildar. “His dad, grandmother and sister are secular people, I have normal relations with them. And his mother was an ordinary person until she was 40, and then she radically went into religion. This makes it very difficult for the rest of the family to live. They have a nightmare going on at home. Sometimes in the evening, at about 10 o'clock, when mom goes to bed, they have to take out pork kebab and sausage from a secret cabinet and have a drink. They do this so as not to upset their mother. But, on the other hand, this is not life either,” says Tatyana.
Difficulties based on religion also arise between lovers: regarding marriage, the religion of future children. However, Tatyana assures that they are trying to discuss everything in advance. We came to an agreement that they would hold the nikah, but without their parents. A child will be circumcised only if it does not harm his health.
Her husband, Ildar, says: “I would recommend that people marry a person of their own religion - it will be easier to find a common language. It’s just that, despite our love, we feel some disagreements, and this will still someday develop into a quarrel. I would not advise my children to enter into a mixed marriage. But if they fall in love with a person of a different nationality, I won’t mind, the main thing is their happiness.”
That's what it says Zinnurov Rustem Hazrat, imam-khatyb of the Kazan Nury mosque: “Religion is not against it. The Koran states that a Muslim man can marry a Jewish woman and a Christian woman. Here everything depends on the wisdom of the young people and parents. At Nikah, the girl confirms that she is a Christian or a Jew, the guy confirms that he is a Muslim. We explain to both him and her that they must adhere to their faith. We tell the bride: read the Liturgy, the New Testament, fast. If out of respect for each other they go to both the temple and the mosque, then this is wisdom. Many such couples congratulate each other on holidays: she prepares food for him during Uraza, he helps her during Christmas and Easter. I advise you not to put off the spiritual education of your children. Some say that the child will grow up and decide for himself. But at the age of 20, he is already determined to be completely different, unfortunately. And when a Christian girl marries a Muslim, I ask her to approach wisely and not try to pull the blanket over herself. A husband, like a father, must first take care of the spiritual education of his children. He is a man, the head of the family and responsible for the family. For how many years I served in Kul-Sharif, we had many official delegations, and everyone was amazed by life in Kazan. We have no confrontations. Mixed marriages are treated well in society. There are 6 apartments on one floor - three Tatar, three Russian, and everyone lives together. Even around the world there is no longer such an orthodox attitude. The husband is Arab, the wife is French, the wife is Swiss, the husband is Turkish, and so on. It’s good that people in such families live happily. Everything depends only on our wisdom and civilization. There is one God, in Russian we call him Lord God, in the Koran - Allah" (see note).
Recently, women from families where the husband and wife are representatives of different nations have begun to approach me more often as a family psychologist. Women of Tatar nationality are no exception. Many of them, in their youth, in a fit of feelings, giving in to emotions, marry for love a representative of another nation, not a Tatar. At first, everything seems to be in rainbow colors, the chemistry of love, but a month passes, another, maybe a year. And the boat of love breaks into everyday life, or rather into differences in everyday culture, family scenarios, habits, inclinations, temperaments, and of course religion, and the ensuing principles of raising children.
What conclusions can be drawn from all that has been said? National mentality, specific character, culture and religion, accumulated in the unconscious of the clan or genetic memory of the family, sooner or later, and, as a rule, in the second half of life, make themselves felt. And then psychological problems begin in the harmonious living of spouses in the same house. It is important to maintain traditions and loyalty to your people. And in this regard, I would like to remember how, as an associate professor at Moscow State Pedagogical University, I conducted research among students of the philology department, there were 100 people studying in the stream, 20 Tatars were allocated to a separate group. The test task was as follows: it was necessary to name “Who am I” in ten sentences. Tatar students, for the most part, wrote in the first lines “I am a Muslim”, “I am a Tatar”, while of the remaining 80 students, only one wrote in the first position “I am Russian”, “I am Orthodox”.
