Hello, dear readers! Being able to stand up for yourself in a verbal battle is a very useful skill. How to defend your opinion? What is the difference between a healthy discussion and baseless accusations against each other? What will help you always find a common language with people? All this and much more in my article today.
Healthy debate
In a dispute, it is very important to be able to choose the right arguments, listen to your opponent, not play on emotions and be able to admit that you are wrong.
What is the difference between a healthy argument and empty chatter? Both people calmly describe their point of view, listen carefully to each other and try to find the truth. After all, as they say, it is born precisely in a dispute.
The ability to argue your point of view helps not just to speak out indiscriminately about everything, but to show the person how you came to such a conclusion, what pushed you to such conclusions.
There is no place for unnecessary emotions in a normal discussion. If a person has a bad attitude towards his opponent, then he will perceive his point of view negatively. This is the wrong way to approach things. You should always try to step back a little and try to hear what the person is trying to tell you.
The right words don't always come to our minds. Has it ever happened to you that when you come home, a witty answer comes to mind, which would come at the right time in a conversation with your boss in the morning. A smart idea to come later. I bring to your attention the article "". It will help you not only understand how and when to respond, but will also teach you to find the right words at the right time.
Remember that the ability to argue your point of view is a skill. If things don’t always work out the way you would like right now, don’t despair. With practice you will definitely succeed.
Things to remember
It is very important to be able to hear another person. Sometimes people argue with foam at the mouth, trying to defend their opinion, although in fact, if you listen, they are talking about completely different things. It doesn't matter whether you're talking to your husband or hanging out in front of your boss. The first thing you should master is the ability to hear what your opponent is saying.
Always ask clarifying questions, don’t be afraid to ask again, ask for more detailed explanation if you still have any gaps. A very good technique is to repeat the main idea in the form of a question.
For example, when your boss tells you that he will not raise my salary until a new branch is opened, you can safely ask the question: Am I correct in understanding that as soon as the branch opens, you will raise my salary?
Each person gets used to communicating in their own language. He expresses his thoughts in a way that suits him. If you want to convey your opinion to a person, then try to speak their language. If you are communicating with a doctor, then try to give him an example from his professional field, this way you will achieve success faster.
Whether there is a dispute in the family or at work, try not to insist that you are right. Remember that everyone has their own opinion and two people look at the same problem differently. Therefore, it is important to understand your ultimate goal in this dispute:
- just express your opinion
- convince a person
- find a new solution and so on.
If you know exactly what you want to achieve, then it will be much easier for you to select arguments and arguments.
In a dispute, you need to be confident, but also leave some doubt in your words. Learn to look at the world around you more broadly.
What to do if they don't understand you
At the very least, stop arguing. The more you defend your opinion in front of a person who cannot hear anything, the more the situation will become tense. Watch your behavior. Sometime during an argument, try to track your reactions, your words to counterarguments, provocations and manipulations. Learn to be cool and as calm as possible.
If your opponent begins to become rude and speaks poorly of you as a person, then stop the conversation at that very moment. To be more prepared for such a turn of events, I recommend that you read the article “”. Your behavior should not provoke a person to a negative reaction.
Among other things, it is very important to learn to refuse. How to say no if the person looks very convincing? Firstly, if you can’t refuse right now, ask for a break, say that you need to think. Don't make a decision in a hurry.
Learning to resolve conflicts is not easy. There are people who quickly and easily find a common language with almost everyone around them. Others have to communicate and get to know each other for a long time before they understand. As they say, patience and work will grind everything down.
Be patient and work on yourself. Ask your friends to debate. You can choose absolutely any topic, for example, they don’t interfere with someone else’s monastery with their own rules. Try to find arguments for and against.
What prevents you from defending your point of view? Which people are the hardest for you to argue with? On what topic do conflicts most often develop in your life?
Good luck and all the best!
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What should a love relationship be like? According to the songs, a partner should “complete” us. According to sitcoms, spouses must solve any problem in 30 minutes. Hollywood is trying to convince us that full-fledged relationships are built on a special “chemistry of love” and passionate, crazy sex. Psychotherapist Sharon Martin formulated the “12 Commandments” of healthy relationships.
PHOTO Getty Images
1. Love and care
The most important thing in a healthy relationship is sincere mutual love. Partners care about each other both in words and in deeds, constantly demonstrating that they value and love each other.
2. Honesty
In a healthy relationship, partners do not lie to each other or hide the truth. Such relationships are transparent, there is no place for deception.
3. Willingness to accept your partner as he is
You've probably heard that you shouldn't start a relationship hoping to change your partner over time. Whether we are talking about very serious problems like drug addiction or little things like constantly unwashed dishes - if you expect him or her to behave differently, then most likely you will be disappointed. Yes, people can and do change, but they themselves must want it. You cannot force your partner to change, no matter how much you love him.
4. Respect
Mutual respect means that partners consider each other's feelings and treat their partner the same way they would like to be treated. Respect allows you to eliminate situations when one of the partners feels that the other is putting pressure on him or trying to manipulate him. They are ready to listen to each other and respect their partner's point of view.
5. Mutual assistance
Partners have common goals. They don’t try to put a spoke in each other’s wheels, they don’t compete, they don’t try to “defeat” each other. Instead, mutual assistance and mutual support reign in the relationship.
6. Physical and emotional safety
Partners do not feel wary or tense in each other's presence. They know that they can rely on their partner in any situation. They don't have to worry about their partner hitting them, yell at them, force them to do something they don’t want, manipulate them, humiliate or shame them.
PHOTO Getty Images
7. Mutual openness
A sense of security allows you to fully open up to your partner, which, in turn, makes the partners’ connection deeper. They know they can share their innermost thoughts and secrets without fear of judgment.
8. Supporting your partner's individuality
The healthy affection of partners for each other does not prevent them from setting their own goals in life and achieving them. They have personal time and personal space. They support each other, are proud of each other, and are interested in each other's hobbies and interests.
9. Matching expectations
When partners' expectations for a relationship diverge greatly, very often one of them experiences disappointment. It is important that the expectations of both are realistic and close to each other.
This concerns a variety of issues: how often they have sex, how they celebrate holidays, how much time they spend together, how they share household responsibilities, etc. If the opinions of partners on these and other issues differ greatly, it is very It is important to discuss disagreements and find a compromise.
10. Willingness to forgive
In any relationship, partners misunderstand each other and hurt each other - this is inevitable. If the “offending” partner sincerely regrets what happened and really changes his behavior, he should be forgiven. If partners do not know how to forgive, over time the relationship will collapse under the weight of accumulated grievances.
11. Willingness to discuss any conflicts and contradictions
It's easy to talk to your partner when things are going well, but it's more important to be able to constructively discuss any conflicts or grievances. In a healthy relationship, partners always have the opportunity to tell each other what they are unhappy about, offended, or disagree with—but in a respectful manner.
They do not avoid conflicts and don't pretend nothing happened, but discuss and resolve contradictions.
12. The ability to enjoy each other and life
Yes, building relationships is work, but they should also bring joy. Why do we need a relationship if partners are not happy with each other’s company, if they cannot laugh together, have fun and generally have a good time?
Remember that in a relationship, each partner not only takes something, but also gives something. You have the right to expect your partner to comply with all of the above rules, but you yourself must comply.
about the author
Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist from California with 20 years of experience, her website sharonmartincounseling.com.
About the psychology of relationships: Friendship is a selfless personal relationship between people based on love, trust, sincerity, mutual sympathy, common interests and hobbies. Mandatory signs of friendship are reciprocity, trust and patience. People connected by friendship are called friends.(from Wikipedia)
How often today do we say “my friend”, “my girlfriend”? Do we ever wonder what these words mean? Is there such a thing as true friendship between adults? The psychology of relationships is more interested in inter-gender relationships and the interaction of people in groups, missing such an important area - relationships in friendship.
As a child, the worst curse was “I’m not friends with you anymore!” It was tantamount to expulsion from society. After all, in childhood, friends are our society, a model of adult life, working out life scenarios. Here is Vaska the hooligan, he is the main leader in the yard - everyone wants to be friends with him. And no one is friends with this quiet, bespectacled guy, he’s kind of strange, no one even remembers his name.
We have grown up. Our friends moved to different cities and countries, started families and made useful contacts. What happened to friendship? Have friendships between people turned into “one hundred friends on social networks”?
In friendship there are no other calculations or considerations other than itself.
(Montaigne M.)
No matter how much strong friendship is sung, everyone perceives this concept in their own way. Moreover, each person develops his own “friendly relationships” with people.
PSYCHOLOGY OF RELATIONS BETWEEN PEOPLE - WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
No matter how society develops, no matter how high technologies are invented, the mental nature of man remains unchanged at its core. This immutability determines exactly the same ratio of people with different mental properties in a modern metropolis as in a primitive savannah. These properties also determine the characteristics of friendship.
A brother may not be a friend, but a friend is always a brother.
(Benjamin Franklin)
Do you know such wonderful guys who have been friends since school or even kindergarten? As children, they rarely ran with other children; more often they could be found fishing. They were going to make something together or watch football. And now that they have become adults, they also get together in the garage, at matches of their favorite sports team, or just to drink beer in the bathhouse.
These are representatives anal vector. Among us there are 20% of them. It is these guys, as the song says, who divide everything in half, to be honest - “a small piece of bread” and an equal share of the wine.
Possessing a somewhat rigid psyche, anal men and women have difficulty getting used to everything new, but they know how to preserve traditions like no one else. And, of course, they know how to maintain friendship for many years!
Their friendship is more correctly called “brotherhood”, so strong and long-lasting is their relationship.
Everything should be shared between friends.
(Euripides)
Representatives muscle vector- the largest group. Muscular people never think in terms of “I”. Their whole worldview is built on “we”. The whole world of a muscular man is divided on a territorial basis into “we are ours” and “they are strangers”: our yard is someone else’s yard, our street is someone else’s street.
Musclemen are absolutely guided and strictly obey tradition. Their relationship will be built as is customary, as taught. “Where everyone goes, there I go!” - a muscular friend is not picky in choosing an activity, although he prefers physical labor. The main thing is that the company of friends does not turn out to be “bad company.”
What people usually call friendship is, in essence, only an alliance, the purpose of which is the mutual preservation of benefits and the exchange of good services; the most disinterested friendship is nothing more than a deal in which our pride always expects to win something.
(La Rochefoucauld)
Representatives simply love profitable acquaintances skin vector. They don’t even just prefer it - they don’t think otherwise. “I have influential friends”, “You need to be friends with him” - you can often hear from a leather worker. The leather worker's thinking system is based on economy, profit and logic. There is no way a leather worker will waste time on another person if he does not see any benefit in it.
Two leather workers will always “become friends” based on the common idea of mutual benefit. But they won’t be friends with an anal man. The analnik will suspect the skinner, and quite rightly, of opportunism, and his excessive fussiness will irritate him. The skin person will be irritated by anal slowness and a passion for perfectionism. But between people with the skin and anal vector of the opposite sex, relationships based on a different attraction can develop, but not a strong friendship.
Everyone in the world has enemies,
But save us from our friends, God!
(Pushkin A.S.)
In this article, we examined the concept of friendship from the point of view of only a few lower vectors. Vectors that are “responsible” for time and space.
We also consciously “missed” the urethral vector. A urethral is either a leader leading a pack to conquer the future, or a lone wolf. This is the same Vaska the hooligan with whom everyone wants to be friends, even if his mother does not allow it. Next to him, any member of the pack feels protected. In this case we are not talking about friendship.
But next time, we will touch on the topic of incredible beauty and crazy intensity of emotional connections and spiritual intimacy.
Written using materials
When a person defends his opinion and tries to prove that he is right in a given situation, he appeals with evidence or examples, and uses logic. No matter how much he argues, he can always put himself in the place of his interlocutor at any moment and at least partially understand someone else’s point of view.
Egocentrics do not have this ability at all. The fact is that they do not know how to realize that other people can also have their own views on life. That is why an egocentric person sees the world from one perspective, that is, only from his own side.
Signs of an egocentric
Of course, an adult prone to egocentrism is well aware that the people around him think in their own way, have their own inner world, filled with thoughts that are different from his own.
However, this knowledge is limited to “theory”, because in practice, that is, in the process of communicating with other individuals, an egocentric person will not be able to interpret the actions of other people.
He sees the situation only from his point of view, for him there are no other opinions, he believes that they should be identical to his views. He is always amazed if he has to deal with someone else's opinion, but he is used to very quickly forgetting about it, ignoring it and not hearing it.
What does an egocentric person risk?
Public mistrust. How does society treat egocentrics? Of course, it is not easy for egocentric people to exist among people with flexible thinking and capable of seeing situations from different angles.
An egocentric person will be perceived by many as an eccentric or a person who throughout his life walks “around his own axis”, not paying attention to other people’s problems.
Egocentric people extremely rarely become film and theater actors, because in most cases they do not know how to try on masks with other characters and views. Also, it will not be easy for an egocentric person to become a psychotherapist or work in a field where it is necessary to apply the skills of a psychologist.
Limitations of perception. When communicating with society, the egocentric seems to be constantly wearing headphones and listening only to his own thoughts, assessing the whole world solely on the basis of empirical experience. Thus, it turns out that even the worldview and horizons of the egocentric are greatly limited.
How to learn to accept someone else's point of view?
Here are examples of several tactics aimed against egocentrism:
Development of critical thinking. It would seem that criticism is not alien to an egocentric person: by criticizing someone else’s opinion, he defends his own. In reality, everything is not so simple. A person prone to egocentrism usually does not criticize other people’s opinions and does not even analyze them, because he simply does not hear them.
Therefore, it is so important to develop “healthy” critical thinking, which will allow the egocentric to engage in analyzes and introspection, comparisons of views and ideas. Critical thinking is not as difficult to develop as it seems. Sometimes it is enough to read specialized literature devoted to this problem. Experts consider reading fiction, especially classical works, to be no less important.
Developing a desire to please others. So that one day egocentrism does not turn into selfishness, you need to convince yourself that people need to periodically give in and even please.
At the first stage, it will be quite difficult to do this, but it’s worth starting by changing your personal plans. Have you decided to plan a weekend program with your friends or family, but find that your ideas don't match other people's plans? Take the first step towards accepting other people's opinions, understand for yourself that these people, like you, value their time. Make a concession to them, forget about your views at least for a while and agree with their program.
Joint activities. To learn to listen to other people's points of view, experiences, ideas, feelings, you need to interact closely with people. Find some common activity (collective creativity, for example), where each participant will express himself and express himself. This will help you observe other people, evaluate their ideas and capabilities, and analyze the similarities and differences in your views.
Education and development of horizons. Egocentrism often becomes a sign of youth and little life experience, which is why teenagers so often encounter it. Perhaps very soon in the process of growing up, egocentrism will disappear on its own. It is important to contribute to this: to learn, develop, acquire new skills and knowledge.
Expanding the boundaries of worldview. Self-centered people most often become closed people, those who prefer to be alone most of the time, as well as those who have too limited narrow thinking.
This problem can be easily solved if you make new acquaintances and do not be afraid of making friends with people who are very different from you in behavior, lifestyle, and views. Diverse people, acquaintances, and travel will help you make many new discoveries not only in the world itself, but also in its people, as well as in yourself.
Several tips have been offered here that may help an egocentric person take the first steps towards solving his problem. But it is best to consult a psychotherapist and get rid of egocentrism using professional techniques developed according to an individual program. In addition, if you wish, you can ask our questions.
It may be a little counterintuitive at first, but the fact that a couple quarrels often can mean that the partners love each other very much.
“At the end of the day, what matters is not whether you fight or not, but whether you handle conflict well enough and find solutions as a couple.”
It may be a little counterintuitive at first, but the fact that a couple quarrels often can mean that the partners love each other very much. Technically, a dispute is an expression of contradiction between people holding different points of view. During a dispute, both participants honestly present each other with their personalities and ideologies in words. Many people believe that intimate relationships should be a constant honeymoon, during which people only laugh, hold hands, smile and kiss. The situation is clearly heating up when it turns out that everything is not at all what we imagined in love and relationships. We have to confront the idea that not everything will go as smoothly as we want it to. You will have to make compromises and concessions.
It is through these concessions and compromises that we show what kind of people we really are, and also gain a better understanding of our partner as a person. Thanks to this, the situation develops in such a way that we understand each other better and we can learn to love each other in ways we would never have guessed. Relationships are like working out a muscle: before you really see the result, you will strain yourself a couple of times or get sore. But as a result, you will become better and stronger. In relationships we always learn something and it would be stupid to deny it.
One way or another, there must be balance in everything in life. And, despite the fact that sometimes quarrels have a good effect on relationships, you need to understand that there are fruitful quarrels, and there are also completely unnecessary ones. There are ways to make showdowns more productive, rather than empty and unconstructive. If we enter into disagreements in a relationship, we must conduct it in a healthy and civilized manner in order to maintain the chemistry and strength of the bond in the union.
You should also be more careful with your words. After all, a word can destroy, but it can also save. You should always watch what you say and not say anything you will regret. Try not to deviate from the topic and remember that whoever remembers the old is out of sight: do not bring up past quarrels for discussion. Listen and hear each other, and don't just wait in line to defend your point of view. If you feel upset or angry during an argument, let your partner know. And if you find yourself being irrational or illogical in a conflict, don't be afraid to admit you're wrong.
If you get personal during an argument, pause and collect your thoughts. Learn to manage your anger better and deal with conflict more constructively. Sometimes the situation becomes so tense that everything becomes rather destructive for the relationship. Do you feel that such a moment has arrived? So it's time to take a breath. Put yourself in your partner's shoes. You will never truly understand a person if you refuse to look at a situation through their eyes. We must accept that our worldview is not always the only correct one and that we need to look at everything from a completely different angle. Communicate openly with each other and try to be more receptive to views that go against yours. Open-minded people undoubtedly achieve more in life. Remember that the goal of your relationship is for both of you to be happy, but happiness cannot be achieved by refusing to put yourself in the other person's shoes.
Try your best to remain calm during an argument and don't let your emotions take over as this will lead to disaster. It is very important that the arguments make sense. If the topic of a quarrel particularly hurts feelings, then it becomes even more important to be collected. The purpose of a quarrel is not to hurt each other, but rather to enter into a new, stronger connection with each other.
Finally, maintain a sense of tact and dignity during arguments. Never stoop to name-calling, yelling, bullying or swearing. You need to behave like an adult. In such a sticky situation, you both simply cannot afford immature behavior if you want to save the relationship. All successful relationships are built by mature people.
“At the end of the day, what matters is not whether you fight or not, but whether you handle conflict well enough and find solutions as a couple. The strength of your love and determination should help you overcome any life circumstances together.”
