Hello!
I've given up and don't know what to do. I can no longer share my husband with his many friends, but he doesn’t want to leave.
In order, we have been together for 7 years, married for 4 years. My husband is in his second marriage, from his first marriage he has an 11-year-old son, we also have a son, he is 3 years old.
She never received the long-awaited happiness from her marriage, although she always strived for it. The problem is that I have a persistent dislike for his friends (I don’t know why!!! maybe because I’m 30 and they are already over 40-45?), and he doesn’t want to communicate with mine (he says he’s not interested ). Against this background, we always have problems. He often meets with his friends, often without warning or warning me at the last moment. Yes, our age difference is 10.5 years. In his company there is always alcohol, and a lot of alcohol, everyone drinks - they sit around the table and drink. I don’t meet with friends that often, and we have other interests - children, skiing, activities - mostly without alcohol, and if there is, then in small quantities. When I ask him to warn me in advance about his plans, he always tells me that he does not intend to “ask for time off” to see his friends, he is an adult who does not need to be controlled, and I do not tell him that he will do whatever he wants. But in my opinion, everything in a family should be agreed upon and you need to negotiate, and not “ask for time off.” He can't hear me. In front of friends, he tries to “forget” about our plans. For example, if we agreed to go on vacation, then in front of his friends he forgets about it and agrees to spend time with his friends during this time. And he definitely won’t forget about this. Again, regarding help, he instantly rushes to help everyone around, whereas if I ask him, he instantly forgets about it.
Plus, he's lying. He has a rather authoritarian mother, whom he was afraid of since childhood, and I suspect that because of these fears (now transferring everything to our family) he lies, and I cannot trust him. I also cannot rely on him, because, as I already said, he conveniently forgets about general plans if there is an alternative.
Of course, I am inclined to blame myself for our scandals, because... I’m probably too critical of his friends, but I can’t help it - it’s like it’s bulging out from within. As a result, when he is around, the atmosphere is constantly tense. Now he works on shifts, when he is on shift, everything is calm in our family, no nerves, good mood. As soon as he arrives, I immediately tense up and feel uncomfortable.
I want support, I want a person to be interested in me and my affairs, I want initiative to spend free time together (we are together very rarely and it feels like it annoys him and he is doing it under pressure).
I want to actively relax, go somewhere, see new places, but he doesn’t need anything - if not friends, then at home on the couch in front of the TV.
Tell me, is there any point in continuing such a relationship, I am in constant stress in it, the child is also growing nervous and sick, although we try not to swear in front of him? Or is this impossible given such a discrepancy between life priorities and interests? Still, I want to have a like-minded person nearby.
Thank you in advance!

Men are freedom-loving creatures of this world. How to find the line in his freedom? This is a very cautious moment in a relationship. It’s like food, if you oversalt it’s bad, if you don’t add enough salt it’s also bad, you need to find that very measure where it will be good for everyone. But how to do that?

If your husband is constantly running to his friends, and there is not enough time for you, what should you do? There are several psychological tricks that women should know. The first of them is to try to interest your husband in something, so that he doesn’t want to go to his friends. Such a moment could be, for example, a festive atmosphere at home. Or a romantic evening. For example, a husband came home from work, tired, with the thought that he would now eat and run to his friends to drink beer or play cards, in a word, do “necessary” things that “increase intelligence.” And you are waiting for him, all beautiful, with wine and candles on the table, and even in a sexy peignoir - after all, you know how charming women’s shirts can be! Intriguing? It is unlikely that he will want to leave you for his beloved friends. There are many such tricks, you just need to find them and use them to your advantage.

There is another option. It seems that everything is fine, the husband is at home, but all his friends are also at home with the husband. Cleaning, cooking for you. You are getting tired. What should I do if, when talking about this topic, he says that he cannot kick them out, that his friends are the main thing? This complicates the situation a little, but you can try to find a way out of it. At the next such party, try to keep his friends busy. For example, “Vitya, while my husband is making sandwiches, please take out the trash. And you, Kolya, hand me some potatoes from the balcony, Petya and I will peel them.” If such actions of yours are repeated often, then your friends will begin to come over less often, since these household chores are also done at their home.

It’s better to invite your husband’s friends with their wives, since women feel the limits better than men, then by ten or eleven o’clock they themselves will call them home. But there are times when it is not possible to do this. You can try one more option. Start doing things a little. For example, wipe off the dust on the windows. Ask your husband to take out the trash. Start clearing some things off the table. There may not be an unambiguous reaction to clearing the table, but you can say that it’s already late and I thought that you would be leaving soon, and since I don’t feel like cleaning at night, I’ll do it now. It seems that you are not kicking anyone out, but the hint is clear.

There is one more point, quite important, this is the agreement. Know how to negotiate. Set aside a specific day for your husband to go out for a beer with friends. Be sure to discuss your rest day. And set aside a day when you will spend time together, but not doing business, but relaxing together.

And the best thing is to relax with your husband. Make friends with his friends. Make him friends with your friends. Go fishing together, play sports and do housework together. Find common interests. And then it will be much better for you and your husband.

When a woman enters into a legal marriage, she receives not only a new family and lover, but also his many friends, who also need to be respected, honored and regularly seen in her home. How to quickly find a contact?

Very often, the husband’s family and friends are inseparable concepts, however, in order to avoid scandals with your lover, you need to be flexible with all his acquaintances. Sometimes it is difficult to do this, because people are different, and getting along with some is not even possible. Well, it doesn’t matter, because the husband doesn’t force him to love his friends, he just asks for a little leniency and hospitality. What won’t you do for your loved one?

It is very difficult for three people to be friends - husband, wife and family friend - only if such a friend is a previously unknown person to the woman. She will try to avoid such communication, since as an adult it is very difficult to get close to people. If this is a mutual friend from school or university, then such a person will always be welcome in a friendly family. The wife will know that her man is under reliable protection, and the husband is unlikely to doubt the honesty and fidelity of his other half.

But the latter option does not always happen; more often a woman has to join the company of her husband, where not only are there strangers, but they are also quite hostile. How to lure the proud to your side? There may be several options, but you need to choose the one that best suits the situation.

Option one. A man should not be asked whether family or friends are more important. Such pressure will cause aggression in an emotional spouse and will noticeably upset a gentle man. It’s best to do without ultimatums, and the man still won’t be able to choose. That is why it is worth doing smarter: if your spouse often disappears with his friends, then you can invite the whole noisy company to visit. So what: both the husband is under supervision, and the presence of guests will noticeably enliven the monotonous atmosphere in the apartment. Some comrades will definitely appreciate the culinary masterpieces and versatility of the hostess’s interests, and it is possible that in the near future they will only be happy to communicate. Of course, after the guests you will have to do some general cleaning, but the spouse will be very pleased with such a friendly visit and the hospitality of his other half.

Method two. If friends are more important to your husband than family, then it’s time to get to know your potential enemies. For example, it is always possible to go for a walk with friends along with your legal spouse. First, study the character of each, and then try to find common topics for an exciting conversation. It is very important to interest your new acquaintances so that in the future they will strive to communicate again. Very soon the husband will begin to be jealous of his wife for his friends, and will make meetings with them rare and short-lived. As the saying goes: “If you want to eliminate an enemy, first make friends with him.” As you can see, this simple truth really works in practice.

Method three. Every woman can ask her lover the question of what is more valuable: family or friends, only if she has managed to create family harmony and meet all the requirements of her capricious spouse. So that he no longer needs outside communication, you need to become for your spouse not only a wife and mistress, but also a friend, comrade, “your boy” and brother. If he finds it interesting and exciting in the company of his wife, then the thought of “drinking beer” with friends will not arise at all. That is why you should be more interested in your spouse’s problems, share his hobbies and interests, and also learn to listen and hear him. At the same time, it is worth understanding that sometimes he still needs to take a walk, at least in order to at least slightly change the already boring environment. So it’s definitely not worth nagging him for this.

Finding a “common language” with your legal spouse is quite possible; the main thing is not to focus only on your problems, but to learn to live by the interests and hobbies of your other half.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I have the same problem. I’ve been married for over a year now, and I constantly fight with my husband just because of his friends. I don’t know how to talk to him, I spoke in different ways, both calmly and emotionally. I’m in a situation now, and I can’t help but get nervous, constant calls from his friends, asking for a loan, friends calling from another country, send me this, then he doesn’t refuse anyone, he gives out money. We ourselves live in an apartment, one might say, without conditions, it doesn’t look like a home, he seems to be trying to save money, but then his friends and relatives grab everything. He doesn’t think about how a child will be born and how he will live in such a “house.” A friend calls, he immediately runs, leaves me pregnant alone. How much we argued, he says one thing, it’s your fault that I have now stopped communicating with friends the way I used to, you hold me in your fist, go home from work and so on always, I want to go out to sit, take a walk with them, and you do it so that I won't have friends. I am for a person to have one true friend, and not 100 who only know drinking, partying and extracting money from him. He doesn’t understand this, he’s ready to kill me because of them, he defends me, he says, I lived freely before you and no one told me and no one can. I don’t know what to do, how to behave, this is not life, I feel that his friends will lead us to divorce. I was so nervous, even though I shouldn’t be, how many times he got into bad situations because of his friends, he went to another city to visit a friend and they took him to the police station, he sat there, and I was nervous, worried, crying, and almost lost my child. The family is hanging by a thread. Tell me, please, what should I do? How to behave? How to talk to him?? He doesn't understand at all. No matter what I did or said, it was all to no avail.

Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.

Hello Margarita!

Waiting for a child, in addition to the joy of realizing the opportunity to give a new life in this world, can also manifest itself negatively, especially in relationships between partners. And the point here is not only and not so much in the hormonal explosion in the body of the expectant mother, but in her tightening of demands on her partner in connection with the “rehearsal” of her new role by each of the partners. After all, before that, each of them lived a life where responsibility did not loom so close and did not persistently remind itself of itself in connection with its increase. And therefore, a woman, as the “instrument” most sensitive to such changes, begins to look at her partner not only as a lover and comrade in the game of “life,” but as a breadwinner, protector and reliable support in this new period of their life together.

And here it is very important not only to look at the situation “with different eyes” and tighten the requirements for your partner, but also to evaluate your behavior in this relationship.

If you are together and decided that your family should grow, then such a decision was based, in any case such a basis would be appropriate, on the fact that each of you understands the degree of responsibility that falls on you in connection with this decision. And if the behavior of one of the partners clearly indicated that he does not need such changes, that he is not ready to take responsibility for the family, and is not going to change his lifestyle at all, then no matter what demands are made on him now, no matter what requests are made addressed to him, I doubt that they would have led to such changes.

You described very clearly that your husband is not ready for such changes. Therefore, you should not be nervous about the fact that he does not hear you and your requests for them.

I am more interested in the question of what attracted you to him when you decided to start a family with such an immature personality. After all, his craving for friends is not just a demonstration to you of their greater value to him. This is also a demonstration that you and your unborn child do not represent for him the value that you expect. Simply put, there is no smell of respect and love here! I admit that there were feelings before, but now, when looming responsibility threatens changes in his usual life, his behavior resembles an escape from problems and a fear of making even such a decision as admitting that the feelings are over. Many are afraid of responsibility, but even more afraid of taking decisive steps, which also has a direct bearing on responsibility in order to change the situation that does not suit them.

So friends and running away from home at their first call, creating conflict situations, indifference to your requests and aggression in response to them - all this is most likely an attempt to shift the responsibility for breaking the relationship onto you, hiding behind your unbalanced emotional state. For him, in any case, everything will be “bad”: if you leave him because of his irresponsible and aggressive behavior, then perhaps he will get the freedom he dreams of; and if you decide to continue to tolerate this behavior of his, then in the future it may become even more defiant and demonstrative and you will suffer even more, only now together with the child, since he is unlikely to want to give up his comfortable life for the sake of new conditions the existence of your family. True, at the same time, he will also have every right to remind you that he did not promise you anything else, and you yourself accepted this situation then, so there is no point in demanding its changes in the new conditions.

I understand that it is very difficult for you to accept the very idea that the state of affairs could develop this way! But it is better to hear an opinion that differs from your fantasies on the topic of family than to continue to be in these fantasies without trying to face reality. This is scary! It hurts! But this is not the end of life! Or maybe even the beginning of something happier and worthy of you!

If you consider yourself ready for adult decisions, reconsider my words and take a more biased look at the situation. After all, your peace of mind during this important period, and in the future the health and peace of mind of your child, depends on it. “You’d better starve than eat anything! And it’s better to be alone than with just anyone!” Omar Khayyam.

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Each of us has had and, we hope, will have friends with whom we can meet, communicate, pour out our souls, and seek the necessary support both emotionally and in terms of interests. But, unfortunately, many men do not understand and do not accept the fact that if before their wife and beloved woman it was friends who were the main people in their lives (not counting close relatives, of course), then from the moment a man takes an oath and takes it as a wife, it is she who becomes the closest person.

And then the husband’s friends become a bone of contention between the spouses, but if at the beginning of the marriage the husband’s friends were not so disturbing, then when the child appears, they become a real problem for the wife. After all, just at this moment the wife ceases to be part of the company, and is forced to switch all her attention to the baby and everything connected with him.

However, even at this moment, the husband does not stop meeting with his friends, and often, on the contrary, does it even more often than before, and these meetings can be in completely different variations:

The husband's friends can come to his house, respectively, drink, walk, relax, all this is accompanied by noise, cigarettes and other troubles that drive the wife crazy. Having a child presupposes peace, comfort and coziness; it is clear that in such an environment you cannot achieve it.

The husband also often meets with friends in saunas, bowling alleys, billiards and dance clubs.

Fishing, hunting and other types of recreation that the husband is passionate about may also become more frequent.

And no matter how the husband rests, his absence greatly irritates the wife, and accordingly, the husband’s friends begin to irritate him more and more, since the husband, it would seem, is in the family, but at the same time lives a completely different life, separate from his wife and child.

My husband's friends are tired of me. What to do?

What to do in such a situation, why are friends more important to a husband than his wife and child, what can be done to make the husband switch his attention from friends to family?

Unfortunately, we are forced to say that this situation is a woman’s omission. And this omission occurred at the very beginning of a relationship with a man.

1. Build relationships before marriage

The fact is that when you build a relationship with a man, you need to prepare the ground not after you sign, but before.
The fact is that when a woman gets married, she is always determined that her husband will change his behavior in accordance with new circumstances. This means that if before the wedding the man you love spent a lot of time with friends anywhere, then after the wedding, if you need it, he will begin to spend a lot of time with you, and if a child appears, then even more so. he loves you, he loves the child, he is an adult and smart person...

In fact, in a man’s head everything is just the opposite, the following picture occurs: a man, in the process of conquering you, gives his all as much as you provoke him, he does everything as you want, at least everything that he considers possible for himself. After he conquers you and marries you, his enthusiasm for satisfying your desires dries up, the game ends, and he calms down.

In reality, the following picture occurs: when a man wants to please you in order to win you, you do not demand anything from him, you practically do not change his lifestyle in any way. On the contrary, you strengthen it more and more, and the man, seeing that communication with you is easy and comfortable, does not strain at all and decides to marry such an easy-going and carefree beauty, naturally not setting himself up for a serious and difficult family life. As a result, all this results in scandals, quarrels and misunderstandings, because the wife becomes completely different.

We do not encourage women to put men through all the circles of hell and arrange a real family life for them before marriage, but it is necessary to understand a very important thing: the closer to family life you build your extramarital relationships, the easier it will be to build them in the family.

Here, of course, it is important not to overdo it, firstly, if you get carried away, men will run away from a woman like the devil from incense, and secondly, all this can develop into a civil marriage, which is also not good if you want a real wedding and families. In general, the main goal when building a relationship with a man is for him to understand for himself what place you occupy in his life, and the more space you occupy in his life, the better for the family.

It should be noted that just as women have their own needs, so do men. One of these needs is socializing with friends and physical activity, and this needs to be respected. Therefore, when building a relationship with a beloved man, the goal is not to limit a man’s communication with friends, but to show him what family means. He must determine for himself the importance of family, he must realize its meaning for himself, and if this happens, you will see for yourself how he changes his style of communication with friends, how he changes his behavior with them and his attitude towards you.

2. Find out the reason for communicating with friends

It is necessary to find out the reason for the husband’s excessive communication with friends. The main reasons are:

He had not yet realized the fact that family life is not about having a wife and child somewhere out there, in a place specially designated for them, and hanging out with friends, but about building a relationship with the woman you love and raising your child.

He deliberately runs away from problems at home, because he does not want to endure a grumpy wife, a screaming child, an uncleaned apartment and a lack of breakfast, lunch and dinner.

He hasn't had enough time, and despite his wife, he is still drawn to heroic deeds.

It is clear that these are not all the reasons, there are many of them, and your task is to find out exactly the reason that concerns your family and your husband. Only then can you begin to change the situation, choose behavioral tactics with which you can build a relationship so that your husband’s friends become rare and pleasant guests, and not your worst enemies. Our service specialists are always ready to help you with this, so if you write a letter to a personal coach, he will definitely find a way out of the current situation in your family and prepare personal recommendations, following which you will improve your personal life and relationship with your husband.