Simple Vipassana Method
…This is reminiscent of the parable of a hermit who, during meditation, saw a leg of lamb in front of him and wanted to take it to prepare food for himself. But the teacher advised him to draw a cross on this leg, after which the hermit discovered that he had marked his own chest with a cross. It is the same here: you think that there is something outside of you and you want to attack it, fight it and win. In most cases, hatred develops this way. Something has angered you and you are trying to destroy it - and at the same time this process turns out to be self-destructive, turning inward. You want to run away from it, but it’s too late: after all, you yourself are this anger, so you have nowhere to run. As a result, you relentlessly pursue yourself, and this is the unfolding of the sphere of hell.
From the commentaries of Francesca Freemantle and Chögyam Trungpa on the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
The problem is that we identify ourselves with emotions and get involved in them. Involvement in emotions most often occurs due to the inability to stop the flow of thoughts associated with a conflict situation. We continue and continue to talk to the source of irritation and aggression mentally and thus only increase our involvement.
One of the methods to get out of this is to disidentify your consciousness with a negative emotion.
That is, you need not to think, rushing after thoughts, but to observe the emotion itself.
The easiest way is to observe an emotion on a physical level, that is, to focus on the sensations in the body. Usually conflict causes physical reactions - rapid heartbeat, heavy breathing, a feeling of a lump in the throat. The task is to simply observe all this, without trying to influence it in any way, that is, not to slow down your breathing, not to try to somehow consciously control it.
The mechanism is that when we begin to observe physical sensations in the body, they automatically calm down just from the fact of observation itself, without any effort.
In general, observing emotions is very useful and exciting. If an emotion appears inside, either positive or negative, it’s good to stop and observe it. Just behind the sensation itself, without mental evaluation, without characteristics and without rationalizations, without trying to understand its source. Just feel the sensation. This practice is one of the keys to the ability to feel more subtly. Don't get confused by emotions. And calm difficult situations. And it works.
Bardo Thodol. Tibetan Book of the Dead.
Buddhism says that the roles assigned to people in our lives are short-term. So, already during this life a friend can become an enemy, and an enemy a friend. In the next life, the mother can become a spouse, and the husband can become a brother (under certain circumstances). A brother can be a random passerby and vice versa. Thus, Buddhism teaches not to become attached to specific images and not to feel hostility towards them. Deep down, all living beings have one nature.
The Tibetan Book of the Dead describes the Bardo state - a state in which consciousness enters 49 days after death. The book reflects visions, experiences, dangers that await an individual after death. However, the value of this book is not so much in its esoteric sense, but in the fact that the description of the Bardo states is only a projection of what happens to a person during his life. To put it simply, in life we are given a chance to work through the negative tendencies of our consciousness that lead ourselves and the people around us to suffering.
This does not mean that we should suppress or eradicate emotions. But the ability to recognize, observe and separate them from oneself transforms life’s tragedy into the wisdom of existence.
Carl Jung wrote that he received many of his insights from studying the Tibetan Book of the Dead.
Any person who comes into contact with this teaching - even if his mind is not open and subject to doubts - will receive a sudden flash of enlightenment through the power of transmission that lies in these treasure-terms.
Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche
For those who are far from tantric practices and Buddhist iconography, I recommend that you familiarize yourself with
Each of us sooner or later has to deal with a conflict situation at work. What can you do - this is one of the working moments, to which you need to respond adequately. We will try to get out of the situation with the least losses for you.
Some conflicts can be called constructive. They arise around some production problems and are most often caused by different views of employees at a certain moment. This type of conflict is usually resolved quite quickly: to do this, it is enough for everyone who has to resolve the issue to come together, everyone to speak out in turn and choose the most successful option.
It is much worse if the conflict arises as a result of personal confrontation. For example, the characters of some people are sometimes so different that they simply cannot work calmly in the same office or even in the same organization. Compatibility also depends on the temperament of people (a choleric person is rarely able to get along with a phlegmatic person), their social status (a prosperous mother of a family, happily married, will irritate divorced colleagues) and much more.
How to resolve a conflict at work with a colleague?
If in some cases the matter is limited to simply the alienation of part of the team, this is not so scary: after all, you come to the office to work, and not to discuss each other’s personal lives. Things are much worse for those who are forced to deal with overt rudeness, rudeness, and aggression. In this case, psychologists give the following advice:
- Under no circumstances should you stoop to the level of those who are rude to you, that is, do not answer them in kind.
— If you suspect that a particular employee is capable of rudeness, do not provoke him.
- Do not bring joy to your offenders - they are just waiting for you to burst into tears, write a letter of resignation, or fall into hysterics. They won't wait! No matter what is going on in your soul, maintain external calm, remain well-mannered and restrained.
“If you can’t stand it any longer and really want to scream at the offender, calmly stand up and leave.” At least go to the toilet - take a breath, wash your face, powder yourself.
- If a boor has crossed all boundaries and allowed himself to be insulted, you cannot remain silent. You need to say something like this: “Sorry, Marina Andreevna, but I’m not used to speaking in such a tone. We will continue after you apologize." Now the main thing is not to react to further attacks. Until he apologizes.
— After each scandal, try to analyze the situation: what if you somehow turned out to be wrong and provoked the conflict yourself? This happens sometimes even to the most peace-loving people.
— Refrain from discussing the conflict with your friends and complaining about the offender. After all, this will confirm that the enemy’s arrows have reached their target: you are offended, upset, infuriated. This result will cause the bully to redouble his efforts, because the victim's reaction turned out to be predictable and very pleasant for him.
— If such situations recur periodically, continue to communicate with the offender at the level of a business relationship: dryly, restrainedly and as politely as possible.
— If you understand that things have gone too far and a colleague has made it his goal to bully you constantly, talk to your boss. No, this is not denunciation!
The main thing is to present the information correctly. For example, focus on the fact that you value the company and its successes, but due to increased squabbles in the team, there is a danger of reducing work efficiency and losing some clients. Remember that maintaining a normal psychological climate in the team is one of the responsibilities of the boss.
How to resolve a conflict at work with your boss?
What to do if you have a conflict with your boss?
If you follow the advice of psychologists, you can adhere to the following tactics:
- Don’t “explode”, don’t cry and don’t try in any way to prove how good you are. Without answering anything, listen carefully to everything the boss tells you. After that... turn around and silently leave the office, carefully closing the door behind you.
- In an hour, having gathered your will into a fist and prepared reasoned objections, return to the boss’s office. If you really were wrong about something, calmly say that you admit your mistakes and will do everything possible not to repeat them. If your boss yelled at you unjustly, try saying the following text: “Nikolai Petrovich, I hope that you have calmed down and can now calmly express all your complaints.”
And finally, one more piece of advice from the psychologist: try to perform your duties flawlessly so that no one has a reason to accuse you of incompetence.
If not a single piece of advice helps you, if the situation at work continues to remain tense, think: perhaps you should change your job? If you are a truly competent professional, then you have nothing to fear.
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Yesterday I read an article from ELENABUR about “why is my child”... and I immediately want to write about myself.
Our story is similar
My Danila is almost 4, plays with his peers on the street in the village... I understand everything... the boys can’t live without fighting... we need to sort things out... mine then goes home and roars... doesn’t complain , but roars from injustice...
I’ll start in order: a boy and a girl, Yulia and Pasha, live next door to us, their mothers are very friendly with each other - the children, of course, are a big deal too... when they don’t accept me playing together. They play with mine, either this or that, when separately... Well, that’s not even the point...
I started watching...
I know my little one well, he’s like a dad to us - straight to the point, if you offend, you’ll get it either with a shout or with a fist, but straight without any pins in the side, so I try to explain to him.
But most of the time I go out into the street with him... and if I see that he’s about to use his fists, then I either distract him or take everything in a different direction...
But it’s unrealistic, all the time you either sit on the street and don’t do anything at home, because it’s impossible to ration walks in the village... or do something at home and twitch endlessly, listening to children howl... Even with my grandmother They separated and began to take the child further away, to a river or a field...
He has no problems in games with other children, they play so friendly together, build something or knead earth and water. You can even do something at home...
So, my observations led to the following conclusions: my little guy doesn’t know how to be cunning, he’s straightforward and even somehow awkward for me... and he also somehow can’t play tricks, well, a person doesn’t know how to be sarcastic. As I understand it, he decided that the only thing left to do was to use his fists...
My grandmother and I explain to him every time why such a situation arose, why Pasha and/or Yulia behave this way, why they say this or that, or sometimes we bring the whole quarrel to naught with some kind of distracting maneuver, but this is minutes thirty is enough.
Now I’ll explain the situation Pasha and Yulia... The mothers, as I already said, are friends, neighbors, the same age, both have three children, they probably have common interests, otherwise they wouldn’t go to visit each other several times a day. The older children in both families look after the smaller children, it is immediately clear that this is a very big burden for the older children... This is even understandable... summer, holidays, their friends, etc.
In short, this couple often wanders around all day on their own, with everything inside them, and they swear and fight and kiss... All in one pot...
And then when Danila inevitably appears, the normal game only lasts for half an hour, then the howling and name-calling begins, a fight with wounds. Several times it happened with serious ones (they threw me off a 70 cm high porch), well, mine didn’t remain in debt here either... then the roar
I or the grandmother go to calm down my child, taking him aside, licking his wounds, and the neighboring mothers laugh at us, drinking tea in this or that house across the road.
They even said that we were welcome, and in their village no one runs after children like that, let them sort it out among themselves...
For some time my grandmother and I stopped telling our young man anything at all, we didn’t explain anything...
And then Pasha’s mother came to find out, it turns out that she feels very sorry for her when they beat him, and besides, Pasha told her that I call him different names...
As a result, I turned out to be a shitty mother and an even more shitty teacher, my child, God knows what. We were told that we had not lived here long enough to establish rules, it turns out that this was after I inadvertently expressed surprise out loud that children go to someone else’s house and don’t even ask if they can come in... but they go into their own house In general, they don’t lead anyone... there parents forbid it.
It would be possible to arrange a huge dust-up between the mothers and express what I think about this BUT... I just don’t want to get dirty, get into squabbles... it’s disgusting, then I’ll have to live next door to these people for some time.. . children will still play and fight with each other...
I can’t put my head where it needs to be to figure out how to behave in such a situation and how to teach my child to behave. Maybe someone can tell me? Please...
There is a family - father, mother and 7-month-old daughter. My grandmother, my mother-in-law, periodically comes to visit my daughter. And somehow it turns out that he always comes without warning, comes when and whenever he wants and stays until you kick him out, roughly speaking. And I'm already mad.
That is, she came today, although she was with us on Friday. Like tomorrow my granddaughter will be exactly 7 months old, like a birthday, but I can’t come today. I didn’t call in advance, I didn’t warn you about what would happen. And I, for example, did not expect or crave guests at all. I hung around from one to six, playing with the child (after all, we come to play, no matter what). Periodically, I took my daughter from her - to feed her, put her to bed (she herself has no idea when the child wants to sleep, and is skeptical about my words until she sees that her daughter has already passed out). Then she cooed over the rug where her daughter was sitting with her toys. Well, when I took her in my arms, my mother-in-law, with the words “oh, it’s so dark already,” began to get ready to go home.
At first, in my daughter’s month or two, she generally came once every two or three days, until she came to closed doors several times (we went for a walk). Then, apparently, she realized something and began to come once a week. But this also bothers me. Her visits are a waste of time - after all, she comes when she is not expected! There is no benefit either; playing and carrying it in your arms is not helping. And yes, I don’t particularly trust her regarding the child.
In general, from guest to guest is the mother-in-law’s lifestyle. She lives alone, there are no relatives in the city, there are only retired friends. And now we have become an obligatory item on the entertainment program: in the morning there are some guests, then other guests, then to the granddaughter.
I’m looking forward to the summer with horror, I’m going to settle in the country, because she will certainly come there, and just as often, and it will be more difficult to smoke her out from there.
I tried to hint that I could come less often or at least warn about my visits, but she didn’t understand. I haven’t decided to speak directly yet - I don’t want a quarrel, because cases - they are different, and even the mother-in-law can be useful.
My husband and his mother have no relationship, they practically do not communicate, and in this situation he is no help to me.
What to do? We need to have a conversation, I understand, but how? Or do I want too much? How often do your children’s relatives visit you?
