Discuss the problem, find a way out and calmly figure it out - no, we haven’t heard. But breaking up with the scandal, removing each other from social networks, dividing friends and making peace in a few days (or months) is just what the doctor ordered. PEOPLETALK talked to Dasha, who kept breaking up with her boyfriend, and at the same time found out from a psychologist Nadezhda Rimskaya(life coach, creator of the “Anti-Cinderella” movement and the author’s program “Royal Club”), how to get out of this vicious circle.
“Why is he calling you so late?” (2009)
Our relationship began by chance, there was no particular passion between us, but for some reason from the very beginning the romance was stormy - he was jealous of all male representatives, and I (proud and independent) was not going to justify myself with whom I go to the cinema or why I went alone for my best friend's birthday. As a result, we broke up for the entire first year of our relationship due to jealousy. There were no real reasons, but passions were boiling, and they needed a way out - breakups and reconciliatory sex became such a way out (how could we live without it!). This is such a pleasant feeling - just recently you were so bitter (life is pain), and here you are again “together against the whole world”, and there is no need to solve the problem (it fades into the background for some time). Everyone around didn’t understand what we were doing together, and neither did we. But no objective reasons were found to end the relationship.
Psychologist: There were no special feelings between the partners; they rather got along out of boredom. They didn't have any particular reasons to get together, but they didn't have any serious reasons to end everything. In such a situation, you need to communicate more with your partner, clarifying his expectations and communicating yours.
“Take off that skirt right now!” (2010)
By some miracle we survived the year. Gradually we got used to it, learned to guess each other’s mood, but scandals based on jealousy took a new form - now they were about... my clothes and the color of lipstick. “Are you going to go outside in this? No, walk only with me in this dress.” I tried to become an ideal - less makeup, dresses not so short (I already have a man, why should I attract the attention of others). At some point, a friend called me and said that Dima(let's call him that) asked for her friend's number (by the way, she wore short dresses). Then it turned out that she “is just jealous of you and wants to quarrel between us.” We made up quickly, because we should be together. Who do they owe it to? I still haven't figured it out.
Psychologist: Quarrels and scandals have already become the norm for them. The only thing they have in common is that they are both unsure of their partner and, like little children, continue to “rock the boat” by testing each other. At the same time, the man begins to realize that no matter how far he goes, his partner will not escape him.
“Why don’t you introduce me to mom?” (2011)
Three years is already a serious period. Therefore, the fact that I never met his mother was starting to stress me out a little. Slightly. Little bit. I thought about it a couple of times a day. Maybe three. Not more. We broke up three times because of this. But he himself didn’t get along with her, so he simply didn’t consider it necessary to introduce us. A couple of scandals (“You’re embarrassed of me!” “I’m nothing to you”) - and they got back together. Other people (even mom) are not the main thing, our relationship is a matter of two.
Psychologist: It is strange that only three years later a girl begins to think about why her partner does not choose her. The relationship did not develop until marriage. Getting to know your mom is probably not the only problem. At this moment, the man once again records in his mind that “everyone is happy with everything,” which means that the style of communication “fuck off - come here” continues.
“We have less sex!” (2012)
We both became more mature, calmer, sorted things out less and less and were already thinking about a future together. We started looking for an apartment (how long can we spend the night with each other), and I looked in the direction of the jewelry store (well, as I looked, I slightly squinted my eye in that direction). True, he had a lot of work, I also disappeared in the office, we began to see each other less often (and sleep together), and this was a little stressful (a young body, after all).
Psychologist: The intimate side of relationships is not the most important thing for many couples. If both partners are satisfied with the frequency and quality of their intimate life, then everything is in order. But our heroine begins to be overcome by doubts.
"We Have Problems" (2013)
“You know, I saw a doctor, I may have problems with conceiving in the future,” but I cannot condemn him to IVF or even adoption. Let him know what can await him. “We can handle it,” he unexpectedly replies. Wow! It turns out that I was not mistaken in choosing a man. I am so grateful that in the coming months we do not quarrel, I let everything go.
Psychologist: By the way, problems with conceiving a child can be psychosomatic. The body thus signals that the partner is not suitable for procreation.
“Oh this wedding” (2014)
“Your place, of course, is full of cockroaches,” he carefully began the conversation in the car on the way to Sokolniki Park, where we were going to ride bicycles. “I’m not a gift either,” he quickly added (he’s learned, after all these years, to feel my approaching outbursts of anger). “In short, let’s go to the registry office and sign. You’re right, it’s high time to make a decision,” he proudly concluded his romantic monologue. “Uh... okay,” squeezed out the happy bride, who was frantically trying to remember the last time we had sex. But the proposal seems to have been made, and for a gift horse, as they say... I started choosing a dress and a restaurant.
Psychologist: A vague sentence is evidence of vague intentions.
“Hello, I’ve been waiting for you for an hour,” I say into the phone. "Hello, ah Dima in the shower now, who is it?” – I hear in response. Very, very banal. It's downright indecently banal. There is only one thought in my head: “He’s so jealous, which means he shouldn’t cheat on himself” (impressive logic, right?). In general, we met. Julia She turned out to be a nice girl who has been living with him for six months (in the second apartment), knows nothing about me (he is often on business trips) and gave up her dream for him - the job of a flight attendant (“She will fly, and men will pester her” ). Once he broke her face, but she herself was to blame (who would doubt it). I still decided to fight for him and not to break up this time - I won’t say that I was jealous (although it was painful, no matter how you look at it), rather, I regretted so many years spent on this relationship. But it turned out differently.
After three days
"Hello. I'm completely freaked out. Yesterday I just got drunk, and now I woke up in my apartment in bed with Denis(his friend) and some naked chick. I don’t remember whether we had sex or not, what should I do?” – I hear all this from the telephone receiver. The pipe, however, is not mine. The mobile belongs to his best friend, on whose shoulder I just woke up and now, thanks to the loud speaker, I hear this incredible story (this is not revenge, we are just all human). "Soon Dasha should come,” the “love of my life” panics. “I don’t even know what to advise you, I’m busy,” he replies Kostya. Today we have Dima there would be a six year relationship. As you might guess, he didn’t wait for me that day. And the next one too.
Psychologist: A completely predictable ending for such a relationship. It’s a pity for both young people who, from the very first day of their acquaintance, kept postponing their separation, ultimately dragging out the relationship for many years. The habit of returning to places where things are bad occurs in many couples. This is how our parents lived, this is how we live. But don’t be afraid to change your life and break up with those with whom you don’t work out (even if you have feelings). You need to take a breath once, make up your mind and, when leaving, leave, otherwise, as we see, a relationship can last for many years, but not bring happiness. You must try to understand that in other relationships (with other people) you will both be much happier, and let go. And if you still decide to stay together, then be ready to compromise, change for the sake of your partner and not run into the bushes at the first problems. Perhaps you should consult a specialist together.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes. A simple rule that really works. Before blaming or criticizing, think about how your loved one feels. Perhaps he could use a little understanding and support.
Don't forget to praise your loved one. We all know how to criticize, but we often forget to praise.
Don't go to bed arguing. Work yourself up during the night, then go to work, get angry - who needs that? Stretching out a scandal over several days is a bad idea.
Don't wash dirty linen in public. There is no need to swear in public or in the company of friends. Solve the problem in private and in a calm environment. By the way, it’s also better for girlfriends not to know everything - you will forgive him, and they will remind you that he forgot about your anniversary (seven months and two weeks is a serious date, by the way).
Avoid insults. Try to solve the problem calmly, so that later “fat”, “alphonse” and other unpleasant statements do not pop up in your head.
Don't put off the problem until later. Reconciliatory sex is always pleasant, but you must first solve the problem, and then make peace as many times as you can.
Don't forget to apologize. And most importantly, it is important to understand for yourself what you are asking for forgiveness for.
Do not be silent. You don't have to go through every little detail, but learn to talk to your partner and discuss situations that are unpleasant for you.
Don't compare. There is no need to compare your partner with your previous lover (especially out loud) or your best friend's husband. All couples have their problems.
Don't quarrel for the sake of quarreling. If you're having a hard day or have a fight with a friend, don't take it out on your loved one.
film “The Habit of Parting” (2013)
They come together, they diverge,
Like the tracks at the station,
Sleepers and rails,
It's already dazzling in the eyes.
Conductor, dear,
Give me a receipt
The fact is that if I was driving -
I wasn't traveling on credit.
Let's sit by the window,
In a mountain on wheels,
After midnight, so after midnight
Let's drink your tea.
I have with a guitar
Two bottles of red
Apparently by accident
As if by chance.
We'll drink a hundred -
Let's meet here.
I've been lucky with Olya all my life,
Well, I'm Sergey.
New strings are crying,
Oak trees
Floating outside the window -
Sing and don’t be shy.
And after two stations -
That's it, Khan, we've arrived,
This is home for you,
And to me it’s like the first snow -
Conductor Olenka,
With jokes and laughter
We say goodbye to you and,
Maybe forever.
They converge and diverge,
They immediately get married again,
New posters
The fence is crumbling.
Something will be forgotten there,
Something will change
Night, compartment, wine and tea,
Sincere conversation.
And life is like a zebra striped,
Youth is hairy.
Yes tattoo on hand
With the name of love.
How many will be dear to me,
Where will I find my threshold -
The wind in the field knows
Only he is always silent.
Translation of the lyrics of the song Chizh & Co. - Road 2
Converge, diverge,
As the way to the station,
Yes sleepers rails
Much in the eyes dazzled.
Conductor, my dear,
Extradite me a receipt
In fact, if I was driving -
It had not come on credit.
Sit at the little window,
In RV Gorenki,
After midnight, so after midnight
We'll drink your tea.
I have a guitar with
Two bottles of red
Supposedly by accident,
As if by chance.
Have a drink we sotochku -
Here and get acquainted.
Ol my life lucky
Well, I Sergei.
Strings cry new
oak trees
Floating window -
Sing yes wait to see.
And two stations -
All Khan came
For you here sweet home,
And I like the first snow -
Conductor Olenka,
With jokes laughter yes
We"ll say goodbye and ,
Maybe forever.
Convergent - divergent,
Immediately marry again,
new posters
Complimented by a fence.
Something there will be forgotten,
Something will change
Night, coupe, yes wine tea,
Sincere conversation.
A life as a zebra-stripped,
Youth hairy.
Yes tattooed on his arm
In the name of love.
How dear to me,
Where will I seek your doorstep -
Knows the wind field,
But he is always silent.
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Have you ever wondered why people sometimes quarrel, sometimes make up, and so on all the time? Well, this does not surprise scientists, because half of the couples, after another quarrel, are ready to start all over again or from the moment at which they left off. In this article, we will give a couple of scientific explanations why couples in which partners have already disowned each other fall back into love without a second thought.
9 reasons why lovers quarrel and make up
“The key to making a relationship last is to learn when to leave and when to get closer.” - Dominico Cieri
1. They didn’t understand why they broke up
Research at Kansas State University found that half of couples are ambivalent about their separation. They may have doubts about the decision to no longer be together. Or they made the mistake of ending the relationship for personal, petty reasons. In this case, most likely, returning your loved one will be much easier, because the relationship has not been damaged much.
2. They don't stop interacting.
Partners who have separated but have not stopped communicating still have feelings for each other. Experts from Bowling Green State University and the University of Wisconsin have found that people who are still attracted to each other find it very difficult to break up forever. Whenever ex-partners are close, their bodies release the hormone oxytocin. Because of him, they feel connected to each other and in such conditions, of course, a reunion is very possible.
3. They come to believe that their communication has improved since the breakup.
Communication is important in any relationship because this is how couples connect with each other. This is how they find compromise. A break occurs when problems arise in this very communication. But then, when a little later they begin to communicate again without the former tension and other rough edges, it becomes easier for them to express their feelings. Because they believe their communication has changed for the better. And that's why many couples renew their relationship.
4. They hope their partner has changed for the better.
Scientists from the University of Utah and Toronto found that couples often get back together because they think their lover has improved. And therefore, they believe that everything will work out.
5. They may let years of the relationship be wasted.
Relationships require input from both sides. And therefore, after breaking up, many partners do not want to start a new relationship with a new person because they have already made a big contribution to the previous relationship. They do not want to do the same thing again, from scratch, realizing that they have already invested part of themselves in the relationship with their previous partner. They do not want to “throw away” the years of relationship they have lived together, even if they were filled with conflicts and quarrels.
6. They believe intimacy was better with their ex-partner.
Starting to rebuild an intimate relationship with a new partner after a breakup is very difficult, especially after an already built relationship with a previous partner was interrupted. Many may not want to build everything again with another person. They believe that it is better to get back together with their ex.
7. They are not open to experimentation.
Psychologists at Stanford University have found that people suffering from a breakup are not ready for change. Even if the relationship they were in was obviously with the wrong person, they are still willing to go to great lengths to get it back. Probably because the prospect of drastic changes seems more traumatic to them.
8. They didn’t break up completely
Scientists at Northwestern University have found that those people who have not dotted all the “i’s” in relationships get back together more easily. If, instead of accepting their pain, they ran away from it, then the likelihood of ending up again in the arms of a former lover is much higher. According to experts from the University of Arizona, these people need to develop a clear idea of themselves. They don’t yet know who they are and what they want from life. Although, these can be adults and, mostly, very mature people. And all because there is no limit to perfection, especially in self-knowledge.
9. They don't want to be alone
Sometimes feelings of loneliness can push us to reconnect with our ex. But this does not happen because of feelings for this same ex, but because of our vulnerability, as coach Kali Rogers says.
Finally:
As you can see, there can be many reasons for getting back together after a breakup. Some may even find that they do much better on the second try. And in order for everything to work out, partners need to maintain positive thinking. And remember that relationships are work. Otherwise, the reasons for which you broke up last time will make themselves felt again.
Sex and the City, a series that has already become a classic of stories about modern relationships, clearly showed us how it happens. Kerry returned to the Man of her dreams time after time, Miranda fell in love with the father of her own child, Samantha fell for Richard's bait more than once... And this does not at all seem like fiction. In life, we often try again to build relationships with those with whom we once parted.
- “I broke up with him because I wanted a serious relationship, but he wasn’t ready“says K., who is familiar with this life pattern firsthand. — Then he panicked and tried to get me back. I decided that now we are on the same wavelength. But he felt that he had made a mistake. I realized this and left. This happened over and over again and lasted for many years.”
And this case is not unique. Researchers say that 44% of young people aged 17-24 have reconnected with someone they previously dated but broke up with. Half of them had close relationships with their ex-partners after breaking up.
On average, people who are sometimes together, sometimes apart, manage to separate and get back together twice a year.
Popular
Dr. Sarah Halpern-Meakin, a professor at the University of Wisconsin, believes that this is a unique phenomenon of our time: never before has this form of relationship been so common. Representatives of the generation of our parents or grandparents, as a rule, if they separated, they separated forever.
Why has everything changed?
- Firstly, the professor suggests, because our contemporaries wait longer before getting married. And they have more time to rush: they broke up and got back together.
- Secondly, we have fewer stereotypes. We are not dominated by the idea that there should be specifics in a relationship: either you are together or not.
- Besides, In modern culture, the attitude towards casual sex is much more tolerant, and there is nothing strange or unusual about ending up in bed with an ex-lover again. This “friendship sex” often leads to the second (third, fourth) round in a relationship.
- And also social networks. If you haven't friended him on Facebook, VKontakte and Odnoklassniki, you will always receive reminders of his existence. You don’t need to gather your courage and write him an ink message that obliges you to do a lot. All you need to do is send a short “Hello!” How are you?”, which seems to mean nothing, but in the end it can become the beginning of a new round.
“The result is a generation that doesn’t know how to break up,” concludes Dr. Halpern-Meakin.
He broke up, drank, made up. Romance…
And this cliche is readily supported by modern mass culture, shrouding endless meetings and partings with a haze of romance. The aforementioned “Sex and the City”, “Grey’s Anatomy” (where doctors Meredith and Derek and other couples endlessly converged and diverged), Ross and Rachel from “Friends”...
There is no “swing” in a relationship - there is no plot. Without this, it's simply not interesting. The happy couple is boring to watch. As a result, many people get bored of being a happy couple without ups and downs. This whole range of emotions experienced during breakups and reconciliations is much more acute than normal, stable love.
Together it’s cramped, apart it’s boring
The couples themselves who experience such rotation say that there is a deep emotional connection between them, which again and again pushes them into each other’s arms in spite of all adversity:
- “We broke up because he wasn’t ready to make any commitments, but we got back together because no one understands us the way we understand each other.”
You are my little rat...
There is also a completely physiological explanation for romantic attachment to a former partner. Such an experiment was conducted in Canada. Professor Jim Pfaus marked male rats with a special odorous substance and crossed them with females. Then he placed the females in a cage in which there were those rat gentlemen with whom they had already had love, and new, unfamiliar rat guys. In different cages, from 80 to 100% of rats chose those males who smelled familiar.
Pfaus explains it this way: “When you reach a wonderful, magical state with someone, like after an orgasm, your brain releases oxytocin and opioids,” forming an attachment to the person with whom you experienced it. Feeling that same pleasure again with someone you already know seems much more natural (and less scary) than with someone you don't know.
As G., who broke up with her more sophisticated lover but continued to sleep with him, admitted, it was more convenient than looking for someone new, and better than being alone.
- “It is psychologically more comfortable for me to communicate with the person with whom I have already slept. And I don't want to increase the number of lovers I've had- she says. — I'm not a saint, but if I have a choice, I'd rather try to stay with someone I've already been with than sleep with a stranger."
Casual relationships have generally become unfashionable. According to statistics, only 13% of men and 10% of women admitted that they had sex with someone they had just met. But those who slept with former lovers are as much as 65%.
You are my heroin
Finally ending such relationships, according to their participants, is as difficult as starting with drugs. You get stuck in them. You break up with your forever "ex", create a brand new profile on a dating site, set up a date that doesn't go exactly as you wanted... and then wake up in a familiar bed.
The feeling that you can't escape it can cause frustration and depression. In addition to the strong emotional attachment mentioned above, such couples experience more conflicts and lower levels of mutual commitment, and at the same time there is a high likelihood of physical and psychological violence.
We understand that you cannot do the same things over and over again and get different results. "I favor sequels in relationships, but I'm against them if they become trilogies and so on," says clinical psychologist Monica O'Neill of Harvard Medical School. Because it’s great if people drew conclusions from previous mistakes and decided to try again, trying not to repeat old sins. But if you experience pain and disappointment again, this is a sign that this person is not right for you.
09/18/2015 Three stories about the return of ex-husbands: women are drawn to a familiar past, and they give ex-lovers another chance
“Do not return to your former lovers, there are no former lovers in the world,” the poet Andrei Voznesensky once pleased his fans with a beautiful conclusion. Some people agree with this. And someone is constantly trying to test the strength of their past, insisting on new illusions on old mistakes. And more than once - preferring a strong, proven rake to a new, unbroken broom. The SHE correspondent found three stories of returning to exes, with different conclusions and consequences.Emotional rake can become a favorite means of self-expression. There are even such unique couples who separate and reunite throughout their lives - as long as they have strength, patience and feelings.
It's fun to walk together
“We got married in college. We regarded the wedding as an adventure, not a serious event: we had difficulty holding back laughter in the registry office when the registrar made solemn speeches. And the first two years we really had fun: we went hiking, drank with friends, rode bikes.
Then the child appeared. And it became clear: living together is not a walk, but a family. And we were both not ready for a family. We wanted to have fun together and not get serious.
Quarrels and complaints began. For example, my husband wanted to go with friends somewhere light, without a baby in his arms. They left me at home with the child - after all, “I’m a mother.” My grievances and his protests led to divorce. The summer passed in a blur. Only money transfers to the card reminded me of my ex-husband.
And in late autumn, as if nothing had happened, he came to visit with toys and roses. Surprisingly, we met peacefully. We started drinking tea and remembering the past. The feeling that we belonged, family, again pushed us towards each other. However, after just a few weeks of the new joint reality, it became clear that the previous claims had not lost their former force. He still wanted to live the life of a free student, not burdened with raising a child and household responsibilities. By this time, I had managed to grow up and understand that a family needs a mature, responsible person. We broke up again. But I don’t rule out that we will meet again - when he realizes the value of family.”
Life is more important
The “I understood everything” rake is a more serious modification. To master them you will need good analytical skills and self-improvement.
“All my friends said that my fiancé was not a match for me: I have two degrees and ambitions - but he works in a garage and looks like a guy from the outback,” says 30-year-old Anna. “It was really impossible to discuss high matters with him, but it was comfortable in everyday life. The faucets did not leak, the sockets did not dangle, the car was always in the best shape. And my parents were pleased: Misha enthusiastically dug the garden beds, like the god of fertility. Everything went well in the first year after the wedding, while hormones kept us in bed.
Then I saw that we are different: we have nothing to talk about, nothing to remain silent about. I suddenly felt fully what a weekend crisis is - when you are afraid to be alone with your husband, because he is boring.
We couldn’t even go on vacation together: he refused to go to excursion places, believing that the best vacation was barbecue.
I began to compare him with other men. Finally, tired of the discrepancy, she announced a divorce. My husband did not understand me at all and accused me of ingratitude. I went to my parents, who came to his defense. During this period of unofficial breakup, I gave myself permission to relate to others. And him too, by the way. Everything is fair. I was sure there was no turning back. I started looking for a guy on my own, and he, apparently, went to great lengths out of a sense of revenge. My parents constantly criticized my decision: the summer season without a son-in-law lost its edge. And at some point it dawned on me: so what if he is silent and loves fishing. But with him everything is simple and clear: he is not burdened by the “work-home” life cycle, he does not suffer from unfulfillment and the search for an ideal. Thanks to the help of our parents, we managed to make peace. And even go to a psychologist to start learning to live from scratch - without offense or regret.”
What will cheating change?
The rake “Come back, I’ll forgive everything” hits the hardest. They are chosen by rare connoisseurs of thrills, as a rule, those who are stuck in captivity of love addiction and fear of being alone.
“We had classic school love,” 34-year-old Maria recalls the past. - After we started dating, our parents also met at a parent meeting and approved of our communication. After graduating from school, I moved in with him. She became pregnant immediately. We got married hastily. My parents were glad that I was placed in good hands. His - that the son immediately settled down, did not end up in bad company or in the army. Me - that I don’t have to go to work. But the young husband quickly began to have doubts about family life.
Less than a year had passed before I began to accuse him of cheating. He was not even puzzled by the conspiracy - it seemed that I was of no value to him. He returned home late, constantly corresponded with someone, did not let me in on his plans - he could break down and go somewhere for the whole day.
And when it came to clarification, he admitted that he had no intention of getting married, and did not even suspect that he would have to pay for school sex for the rest of his life. After such confessions, there was no sense left in living together. But it was also scary to get a divorce: where should yesterday’s schoolgirl and her child go?
The bidding began - out of stupidity and fear, I agreed to anything, as long as “my dear one is nearby.” Finally we came to the wording “let’s live separately for now.”
Over the next four years, we constantly diverged and converged. Either it was absolutely clear to me that I needed to run away from such love, then I was sure that everything was fine with us, just not like others. And when the child finally went to kindergarten, I crawled out of my four walls and looked at my swamp from the outside. I managed to realize the flawed nature of my position, cope with it and break the shameful circle of his departures and returns and my unnecessary forgiveness.”
Marina Mikheenko, psychologist at the International Institute of Psychology and Psychotherapy: “Human memory tends to repress traumatic memories. After some time, your soul begins to be warmed by thoughts about how much connected you before parting. If at the moment the situation on the personal front is not satisfactory, these feelings may be reinforced by thoughts about the possibility of giving the relationship another chance. There is also a trick in human psychology that can be summed up under the saying “aware means forearmed.” In repeated relationships, the element of surprise is minimized: the behavioral and personal characteristics of the partner are studied from all sides. There is no fear of encountering something unknown and insurmountable in a relationship, which is why one is drawn to the familiar past.”
Galina Akhmetova
Photo depositphotos.com
