Once upon a time there lived Ivan Tsarevich and Vasilisa the Beautiful. Everything was fine with them. Ivan Tsarevich was serving, and Vasilisa the Beautiful was busy around the house and doing handicrafts. Vasilisa the Beautiful was good to everyone - she was beautiful, and smart, and she cooked, and kept the house in order, and did various handicrafts. Only I didn’t give it to Ivan Tsarevich.
No matter how much Ivan Tsarevich asked, he didn’t give and that’s all. Maybe it hurt there, or maybe there was no hole at all. Nobody knows this now. Or maybe she just didn’t like this job.
This was hard for Ivan Tsarevich, but there was nowhere to escape, because Vasilisa the Beautiful was his legal wife. And over time he forgot about this matter.
How much or how little time has passed, I don’t know. But only trouble came to their kingdom. The Serpent-Gorynych got into the habit of destroying villages in the Kingdom.
Then the good fellows gathered to drive away the Snake, and put Ivan Tsarevich in charge. And they went to look for the Snake. They walked for a long time. Half the army was confused. They reached one village, and all that was left of the village were broken stoves. They see the Serpent-Gorynych sitting in a field outside the village, waiting for them.
When the good fellows saw the Snake, they got scared. Some people ran away and hid behind the hummocks. Only Ivan Tsarevich remained in the field opposite Zmey-Gorynych.
And they began to fight tooth and nail. Only Ivan Tsarevich sees that he cannot defeat the Snake. The strength is already running out. He began to slowly retreat to the forest. Then evening has already arrived. Then Ivan Tsarevich decided to wait out the night in the forest, and then return back for a new army.
He began to look for a place to stay for the night and wandered into a swamp. And wherever it goes, it drowns everywhere. There's no way he can get out.
Ivan Tsarevich became completely sad. And the Snake did not win, and even got lost in the swamp. He became completely ill. He sat down on a hummock and hung his head.
Suddenly he hears someone’s thin voice: Warm me, Ivan Tsarevich, warm me up.
He began to look around and saw a frog sitting on a hummock and looking at him.
Who are you - asks Ivan Tsarevich.
The frog is green - she answers. I want affection and warmth, and this business.
“You’d better take me out of the swamp, green one,” Ivan Tsarevich tells her, “I’m really feeling bad.”
I will, but with one condition: love me as I am, green and cold.
How I will love you, you don’t even have a hole.
And you take out your stuff, I’ll open my mouth wider, and push me deeper.
Ivan Tsarevich was frightened; the frog was cold and green. What if he bites? Or I’ll catch some infection from the swamp.
The frog sees that Ivan Tsarevich is thinking and says: If you think long enough, I’ll gallop off into the swamp.
It was difficult for Ivan Tsarevich to decide, he remembered Vasilisa the Beautiful, who did not give him the undefeated Snake, and decided: come what may, there will not be two deaths, but one cannot be avoided
- Open, he says, your mouth is green.
He shoved it all the way into her mouth. And the frog was just waiting for this - let’s try. Ivan Tsarevich even closed his eyes with pleasure. His seed, accumulated over the years, spilled out.
He opened his eyes, satisfied, and instead of a frog, a girl was standing on her knees in front of him and pressing her cheek to his leg. Ivan Tsarevich stroked the girl’s hair.
And she raised her head and, smiling gently, said: Stay with me, the morning is wiser than the evening. Ivan Tsarevich hugged the girl and agreed. And they began to love each other. All the desire that had accumulated in both of them spilled out. And then, hugging each other, they fell into a sweet sleep.
Early in the morning, Ivan Tsarevich got up, straightened his shoulders, and he felt at ease, as if a large stone had been removed from him. He went into the field, picked up a sword and defeated the Serpent-Gorynych.
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A thin ray of morning sun slid across the bed. The princess stretched sweetly, like a cat, opened one eye, then the other - and laughed joyfully. Everything was going just great. Covering her mouth with the sheet, she carefully turned on her side and smiled tenderly...
-Who are you?!!! – she flew out of bed, frantically pulling the covers over herself.
- Am I? – asked the fat, hairy guy, who was lying down on the other half of the bed. “Undertaker,” and took a long sip from a half-empty bottle of champagne.
- What are you doing here? – the princess leaned out from behind the chair.
- Like what? “I live here,” and the undertaker crunched his apple deliciously.
- Stop-stop-stop! Where, may I ask, is Prince Charming? By the way, I was on my way here to see him! – the girl was indignant.
- Prince? Well, where it’s supposed to be - in a coffin,” the guy answered calmly.
- In what kind of coffin? – the princess did not understand.
- In a good one, mahogany, everything is upholstered in satin, with a fan and a door. The coffin is top class! As he did for himself,” the undertaker smiled sweetly.
- HOW?!!! Why?!” the princess let go of the blanket. It slid to the floor, and the princess, coming to her senses, picked it up, and, huddling in a chair, pulled the blanket over herself.
“Well, don’t just throw the corpse away like that,” the undertaker said reproachfully.
- What corpse? – the princess blinked her eyes.
“The prince, of course,” the undertaker shrugged.
- Is he dead?!!! – the princess was horrified.
“Well, sort of,” the undertaker said, embarrassed. - Drunk on a White horse, he crashed into a pole. I forgot to fasten my seat belts. Broke a pole, it's an infection. It was a good pole, new. He slammed his head into it. The pillar - in half, the prince - nothing. So, to celebrate, he planted another bottle of moonshine, tripped, fell into the river - and drowned.
- To death? – the princess widened her eyes.
“Well, yes, something like that,” the undertaker blushed as if he himself was drowning the prince.
- Who did I spend the night with? – the princess gasped and covered her mouth.
- How about with whom? With me! – the undertaker proudly slapped himself on his hairy chest.
“Ugh,” the princess breathed. And then she perked up. - How are you?! This is the Palace of Prince Charming!
“Not really,” the undertaker muttered under his breath.
- So how? – the princess was surprised. “I clearly told the cab driver to take me to the Prince!”
“Well, he took it,” the undertaker whispered even more quietly. Then he resolutely raised his head. “This is a funeral home,” he said in a stronger voice. “The prince is lying right here.” In the next room. “Like alive,” the undertaker said with unexpected warmth.
So this isn't a palace? How dare you! I want a prince! Real! Why are they giving me an undertaker?! - the princess shouted.
“Well, you know,” the undertaker was offended. - I have nothing to do with it. You didn't let me say a word. They pounced and bit me on the ear. What do you think I should have done?
Okay, okay,” the princess said conciliatoryly, generously pouring herself some cognac. “Everything was wonderful at night,” she patted the undertaker on the shoulder. “Listen, don’t worry about the room,” said the princess, looking around the bedroom. - And the desk, it looks pretty good from the outside. It’s indistinguishable from a palace.
“Thank you,” the undertaker smiled, making himself more comfortable in his chair. – After all, it is one of the largest enterprises in the country, 200 million in annual income.
- HOW MANY?!!! – the princess choked on cognac.
“Well, this is two hundred, it was a bad year, so that’s an order of magnitude more,” the undertaker complained.
You know, you’re okay, honey,” the princess slid onto his lap. She twirled around, made herself comfortable, and twirled a curl on the undertaker's chest with her finger. - Tell me, honey, how do you feel...
The undertaker listened attentively and smiled, occasionally nodding his head. Soon they were laughing and drinking for an hour with toast.
In the next room, Prince Charming lay peacefully in a coffin, decorated with flowers. And, what is most surprising, it really is as if alive.
Already traditional: Advice for all the squeamish, scrupulous, etc.: it’s better to pass by, because the story is funny, but vulgar.
Yesterday I shit myself right in the city center. And this is not funny, a healthy man shits his pants. And it happened like this, I was walking down the street, not bothering anyone, and then I wanted to fart. He farted, and when he farted, he already realized that he had farted.
I flock and shit right in my pants, and I can’t do anything about it. It’s creeping in on its own, without even asking my permission for this process. The ass has stupidly opened up and is crawling out. Moreover, her ass opened so wide that I got the impression that she, without my consent, was participating in some kind of competition
I didn’t give a shit about my estimates, I’m serious. I’m standing, already sweating, in the very center of the city, walking home like walking to Moscow on my knees. I’m standing there, trying to find a way out in my head, something needs to be done. It's been three hours of hobbling on foot, and that's with my underpants full of shit, I cut off that thought right away. Forget it, I figured it was freezing outside, let me think, I’ll sit down on a bench, the shit will freeze, and then I’ll go to the subway, and so I’ll run home. I sat on the bench and sat, the pack’s ass was warm. And here’s the thought: if the poop in your panties freezes, your eggs will also suffer. I even felt bad from this thought. Got up. People kind of give me a wide berth, apparently they understand what I’m up to. And I’m standing there and I can’t figure it out. Then a brilliant thought came to me. I’ll go into the entrance now, get into the elevator, take off my panties, wipe my ass with them, and quickly go home.
So, I go into the entrance and call the elevator. I’m standing there, and the shit is already starting to cool down; frankly speaking, it’s not a wonderful feeling. At the entrance I realized one more thing: I really stink like unwashed cattle, and the stink is strong. The elevator has arrived, I get in, press the button for the fourteenth floor, and unbutton my pants with my other hand, so that there will be enough time until the elevator arrives. The doors began to close and then a cute creature flies into the elevator female. It's fucked up.
“Oh, you’re on the 14th floor, and I’m on the 13th,” she sang
- Well, I’ll go for a ride with you, then I’ll go down to the floor. Of course we’ll eat, I already pressed the button, I thought as I buttoned up my pants.
The elevator started moving, and I was done, there was noise in my head, my back was sweating, and the shit had already completely cooled down.
And I think that the elevator began to stink very strongly, because this creature looked at me strangely. And I was frozen, like why didn’t I shit in the elevator and that’s it.
And damn ******, where that floor on the 10th elevator made a big curtsey to us, said goodbye to us, and the lights went out. I almost shit myself again. The elevator is stuck.
- Oh, is the elevator really stuck? – the girl asked.
- As I understand it, yes, - I’m pretending to be an intellectual. And I’m thinking about what to do with my shit and my dirty ass. But something needs to be done.
And then this little thing presses some button and starts talking to someone, giving the address of the house and asking for help. I imagined that the fitters would come right now, start taking us out of here, asking Pachima, it stinks so much of shit, I wanted to shit even more. It's dark in the elevator. And then I realized that while it was dark in the elevator, I had to quickly take off my pants, then take off my panties and quietly put them in a corner. And when the light is turned on, she, unaccustomed to the light, will see nothing.
I unbutton my pants, rustling things so that even I’m scared.
“What are you doing?” she asked, swallowing hard.
“Yes, I’m making myself more comfortable, it’s a long wait,” and I lower my pants
“What is that smell?” she asked, frightened. I really almost blurted out that I took a shit on the street and that’s why I stink of shit, but I say something else:
“Yes, the bastards are shitting in elevators, I can’t breathe,” and I’ve already completely taken off my pants, I’m standing in the elevator in my shitty underpants. I thought that right now the lights would be turned on, the girl would really give up on what she saw. BUT there is nothing left to do, I continue to work.
The girl began to swallow her saliva very loudly, apparently she had shit herself out of fright.
And I rustle things.
I’m thinking to myself how I can manage to do this and quietly take off my panties. And then the wives imagined what a stench it would be.
“Man, you won’t hurt me, I beg you, don’t touch me,” the girl whined loudly.
“Are you out of your mind, I’m the father of two children, I’m going to see a friend on an important issue, how could you think such a thing about me?” I confidently answer, and I myself began to unstick my panties from my ass. Fuck, it stinks like shit when you shit your pants. It doesn’t stink like a toilet, it stinks so much that the flies lose consciousness even as they approach, and then end up in intensive care for another week. The girl also sensed something was wrong and began whining quietly in the corner.
“Stop it, I won’t touch you,” I say. And I’ve already peeled my underpants off my ass, and I’m thinking about how to take them off my feet so as not to get covered in shit?
The girl actually went to my mazgam, she stupidly sits whining and wailing, probably reading some kind of prayer. And I’ve already dropped my panties.
“Man..yyyyy,” Anna roars, “I beg you, don’t kill me,” and then such stupid whining.
“Why the hell do I need you,” I say, “I’m up to my neck in problems, you surrendered to me.”
I pulled my panties down just below the knees, and I really realized that I was completely fucked up, my legs were in shit, my ass was in shit, and there was a stench that made my eyes water.
In my opinion, the girl was completely fucked by the smell.
- You, you...... she mumbles
- Why are you talking, stay calm, I tell you who gave a shit, it’s obvious I entered, that’s why it stinks.
I think the girl sank to the floor of the elevator. I think the smell almost makes me faint.
But on the other hand, I understand that we cannot delay, either now or never.
In short, I bent down and took off my panties from one leg. Something splashed onto the floor, and in my estimation it was shit from underwear. The girl in the corner is already just mooing like a cow.
I escaped and took off my panties from the second leg. I felt better, half the job was done. I’m standing with my underwear in my hand and wondering in which corner this roaring little thing is sitting, so as not to throw my underwear on her head, and so as not to fall on my own pants. I listened, yeah, he’s sitting opposite, which means you need to aim at the opposite corner.
And here full p-ts crept up unnoticed. The lights turned on and the elevator moved.
When my eyes adjusted, I realized that something was wrong with the girl. Her eyes are like fifteen-inch monitors, her mouth is open, her arms hang like whips, her mouth does like a fish, in short, I keep thinking, the tower was blown away by fright. And then I understood. Picture in the elevator. I’m standing naked from the waist down, covered in shit, panties with shit in my hands, and looking at the girl. In short, Ana kept her mouth shut for another five seconds and fell stupidly onto the floor. Everything, I think, died, I still had a lot of crap in the elevator.
I decided not to waste time and wiped my ass and legs with my underwear. I put on my pants and stood there like an honest citizen, waiting for my floor. There is a girl on the floor, probably dead, in her hands there are panties with a piece of shit in them, why I was holding them, I don’t know.
When the elevator arrived, the girl had not yet come to life, she was still lying on the floor. I thought it would be inappropriate to leave her in the elevator in this state, so I pulled her out onto the floor. Palazhiil carefully put his underpants under his head and ran from this house.
The only thing I can’t understand is why the f... was she so scared?
After all, when the elevator smells like shit, it means that someone has taken a crap, but if it smelled like shit, you might get scared, yes, they will, although I don’t see anything terrible here either.
And besides, I smeared your fur coat a little with shit, wiped your leg with it
But will you tell me something before going to bed? - you ask, clutching your favorite plush rabbit in your hands.
Hah... It would seem that at eighteen you should stop acting like Small child... I remember like it was yesterday when we met, even though it was when I was 14 and you were only 13. Stupid, naive, like a child, you remained like this after many years... It’s as if those never existed difficult years, through which our relationship went, as if just yesterday we were just getting acquainted and asking about each other’s interests...
“Should I tell you something...” I mutter absentmindedly. “Well.. I don’t even know..
Of course, this is just a cover, as I always do to interest you and attract all your attention before the upcoming fairy tale. Or maybe... tell you something other than a fairy tale today? You are already an adult, but you are shy and afraid of the word “sex”... So why don’t I help you grow up a little...
“Okay,” I finally say, wrapping you in a blanket. “Listen carefully... And so, but..
-Won’t you take the book?
-Do you want to listen to fairy tales that you have known for a long time?
-N-no, if you want, come up with it yourself...
“Well, that’s good...” I say, kissing you on the forehead and settling down on the bed, side by side. “And so.. It’s night, it’s cold... we’re sitting watching TV, covered with one blanket, and an erotic moment is shown in the film.. I get excited and start stroking your thigh... You are also excited, but you are trying to hide it and you are glad that the apartment is dark and I don’t see how you blushed and how hot you felt... I throw you on the floor and begin to gently cover you your body with kisses, going lower and lower... You are embarrassed, trying to resist, although your body demands to give up and give yourself to me now...
-Wait, what are you telling me?
-Your own fairy tale.... Don’t like it? Maybe stop?
I notice how you blush slightly and say a quiet, but so cherished to my heart, “continue...” I smile and continue my story:
-And then I pull off your panties, and you no longer resist... I begin to slowly stroke your body, then running my hand right there, then stopping and planting a hot kiss on your lips... Teasing, making you beg for more.. ..
-Oh, d-next...
-Your fragile, young body, heated by my hot caresses, arches and you already out loud, forgetting the embarrassment and fear of the first time, ask me for sex... And I... I agree. And I begin to act more roughly, I penetrate your virgin pussy with my fingers, feeling the hot wet flesh and getting more excited... We both become slaves to our passion, forgetting about the whole world, giving ourselves over to sinful lust...
-S..slasher
-Sorry, what?
-N-nothing, please continue...
-I start licking your pussy... Either slowly, then quickly, then stopping completely, teasing you, although I myself can hardly restrain myself and want more... You begin to moan quietly and blush like a tomato, and I only like yours even more helplessness...
-Oh...
-I imagine that if I were a guy, I would fuck you very, very hard... in all your holes and cum right on your pretty face... The face that I love so much... And when you cum , I lick everything, penetrating my hot tongue into your pussy and making you get excited again... And then I tie you up and force you to lick me... And I like that you are tied up... It excites me that you are so helpless and cannot defend yourself.. .
-Oh..
Judging by your appearance and the slight smell of your juice in the air, you were very horny... I was horny too, to be honest... I want to laugh, looking at how you awkwardly look away and blush worse than a tomato.
“You know, I’m excited...” you whisper quietly and I don’t let you finish, shutting you up with a kiss.
I love you, my stupid one. Even though you are sometimes unbearable... But I am ready to bring my fairy tale to life if you liked it so much. After all, you are my fragile princess from the fairy tale about long-haired Rapunzel; after all, you are the little girl Ellie, who has found herself in a magical land; because you are my love.
You are my favorite fairy tale...
In a rest home, one nondescript man pestered a luxurious lady for a long time about having an intimate relationship. She only mocked him, saying that you have your talents... Then the man bet with her that he could fuck her twenty times in a row. The only condition is that everything must happen in complete darkness and after each time he must go and wash himself. The bet was a car, and the woman agreed. Night came, and the man got down to business... Once, twice, three times... after the seventeenth time, the woman could not stand it and begged:
- All! I lost! I can’t take it anymore, turn on the light!
The light came on, and she saw in front of her a completely unfamiliar, hefty man.
- Who are you!? - she screamed. - What are you doing here? Where is that little, ugly one?
- Oh, this is probably that entertainer? So he sells tickets at the entrance... Once we were sitting at a lecture, and one girl came in a knitted
sweater, which, with a very large approximation, resembled
on a dress. Well, naturally the male half has no time
lecturer... This continues throughout almost the entire
couples, while the girl is loud and loud (and not fake)
shouts to the entire audience:
- Oh, I forgot to put on a skirt!
This is where the hysteria begins. Lecturer (he's also a man)
was forced to stop the pair 15 minutes before the end (of the pair)...
My friend Andrey has been filming the series for six months now, but yesterday and today he disrupted people’s filming. Got sick. The doctor said that there would be no talk of any filming for another three or four days.
Well, they’ll wait, they won’t go anywhere.
Andrey, although a couple of years younger than me, has recently begun to actively turn gray and worry greatly about this, as a result - a pronounced midlife crisis, and the crisis must be dealt with somehow.
Andrey’s way of fighting is simple: with what more women he will “earth” in a unit of time, the stronger his aging male bunker will be.
Andryukha went into all sorts of troubles: today one, tomorrow another, plus yesterday’s one, plus an acquaintance with the fourth - the potential day after tomorrow...
He himself is already sick of this loading and unloading logistics, but what to do? “Grey hair in the beard - don’t say it’s not hefty.”
Fortunately, at least many people recognize him, otherwise he looks like a maniac - a computer geek who lives with his mother and cooks stew out of people... (at least he didn’t read this...)
“But even D’Artagnan gets screwed up...”
Yesterday, our Andrey ran to visit a languid forty-year-old beauty: condoms in his hands, and expensive champagne in his trouser pocket (maybe vice versa, I personally don’t know how this happens, I’m married...) Light frost, mood pre-launch, and at the entrance there are two awesome girls - about 18 years old, but from those who have a huge gap with tenth graders...
Andrei included a face in which he could be more easily recognized and was recognized.
I met, especially Alla, treated her to cigarettes, gave her a lighter,
I wrote down Allin’s phone number and entered the entrance, it’s a pity that it’s not an hour and a half, otherwise I would have chatted with the girls.
That day Andrey had Ideal husband, well, that is, the husband of that sultry woman, was ideal for Andrei, because he worked as a bus driver that goes all the way to Rostov.
Well, isn't it ideal?
He rang the doorbell, a sultry beauty opened it, and Andrei theatrically wailed from the threshold:
- My God, what a beauty, I missed you so much, forgive the asshole, I couldn’t do it yesterday!!!
Everything happened suddenly. Suddenly a bass sound came from the bathroom:
- What the hell is this!!!? Who is this there!!!?
Suddenly some basins rattled and the bathroom door opened. The bass roar became much closer to the corridor and louder.
Andrei did not wait for them to meet eyes like a cowboy and a sheriff, but rushed down the stairs.
The husband, wearing only a towel, also rushed in pursuit, his gap from the leader was getting smaller and there was no more than two flights.
Andrei understood that if his husband broke out of the entrance into the operational space, then he would not be able to escape from him.
It was necessary to confuse the trail like a bunny and outwit the fox.
Andrey jumped out of the door onto the street, came across Alla, who had come to her senses and quickly spoke: Alla, help me out, it’s a matter of life and death!
With these words, he hugged her and began to kiss her ass... Just like
D'Artagnan beauty Kat.
At that same second, a Cardinal guard jumped out of the iron doors of the entrance
- husband, but without a towel.
Andrei continued to kiss the girl; he knew that the naked bus driver did not have time to see him during the chase.
All that remained was to say as calmly as possible: “If you are after a man, then he ran behind the house...”
But suddenly Alla pushed away from Andrey and the last thing my friend heard before turning off the lights in his body were the girl’s words:
- Dad, I see this man for the first time in my life!!!
There was a problem with the jaw, it was removed from its hinges, and it also hit the nose, but it would seem that it was just one blow.
It’s good that dad was naked, cold and dragged his daughter into the entrance without fully figuring out what was what, otherwise it would have implied a second blow no worse than the first...
Well, thank God, everything worked out, so another three, four days and we can
shoot further.
lust, a bitten lip and beads of sweat testified to passion,
boiling somewhere under clothes. She grabbed him with both hands, strong
fingers found that one and only position. He lay elastically in her palm,
arching and trembling. She caught the right moment and started moving,
speeding up and adapting to his rhythm, but not allowing him to slip out of
hands, controlling and confidently directing his intentions. With every moment
As the climax approached, her face became more and more determined: “Yes, yes,
Well, again, again..." And at that one, right moment, she managed
cope with it - with a confident movement, directing it to the intended
his place. He, covered by strong arms, securely fixed himself and,
elastically succumbing, he took over her flying, arching body. Both
froze for a fraction of a moment at the highest point of the trajectory of their joint
flight. And she, having used it, having received everything she could take, let go
him, still tense, not completely finished his movement, but
no longer needed, useless, becoming a burden. And, feeling your
freedom, he straightened up, giving himself to her without reserve, humbly accepted
loneliness suddenly fell upon him, and fell, slowly, but
inevitably.
She, still remaining under his influence, continued to move, but already
having relaxed, having relieved the monstrous tension of foreplay and just
the end of intercourse with him. In this state her body took the bed, and
everything in her spoke of the greatest pleasure from what had happened.
The women's pole vault record has been broken.
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