A man tells a friend:
- Can you imagine, yesterday my mother-in-law and I were walking through the park, suddenly hooligans ran out from behind the bushes and started hitting her!
- What about you?
- Nothing, did you step aside?
- Why didn’t you intervene?
- Well, it’s kind of embarrassing - three of us for one...
Wife to husband:
“Today my mother is finally being discharged from the hospital after being poisoned.
Husband (to himself):
— Yes, modern toxicology has stepped forward... The recipes that I inherited from my grandfather are no longer so effective.
— And I always take a photograph of my mother-in-law with me on hikes...
- For what?
- Well, how?! Thunder, lightning, rain, cold, mud, mosquitoes bite, and I look at the card and think: Lord, how good!
A grandfather on a bus addresses a young passenger:
- Son, shame on you, give way to that grandmother over there!
- This is my mother-in-law.
- So give her the bag of potatoes, don’t hold it on your lap, it’s uncomfortable for you!
Two people talking:
“Yesterday I picked three buckets of mushrooms in the forest for my mother-in-law.
- What if they are poisonous?
- What do you mean “suddenly”?
The son-in-law comes into the room and sees his mother-in-law standing there with a broom, he asks her:
- Mom, have you started cleaning or are you going somewhere?
- Dad, but witches don’t exist?
Father, looking at his mother-in-law:
– When I was little, I thought so too.
Mother-in-law dies. Looks out the window and says:
- What a sunset...
Son-in-law:
- Mom, don't get distracted. Mind your own business.
The mother-in-law is fumbling around the car in front of the house. Son-in-law from the window:
- Mom, where are you going?
- To the cemetery, son.
- Who will drive the car home then?
A man shows his friend the hunting trophies on the walls.
- What kind of horror is this?
- This is the head of the mother-in-law.
- Why is she smiling?
— I thought I was taking pictures!
— Why did Seryoga start stuttering after the wedding?
— My wife’s mother turned out to be twins and triplets. It was like he saw three mothers-in-law...
Mother-in-law and son-in-law are having lunch.
The son-in-law eats Lenten soup, and the mother-in-law makes good Ukrainian borscht with dumplings, ribs, sour cream and other delights. Here, as luck would have it, the mother-in-law chokes on another piece of meat.
Mother-in-law (to son-in-law):
- Clap...
Son-in-law (claps his hands):
- Bravo mom...
The son asks his father:
- How does a snake talk?
Father, looking at his mother-in-law:
- Well, why are you silent? Grandson is interested!
A man comes with his mother-in-law to the DOSAAF shooting range, and the instructor tells him:
- Sorry, but we can’t do it with our own targets.
- Grandma, did you come yourself?
- By myself, grandson, by myself.
- And dad said that the devils brought you.
Country house. The mother-in-law shouts to her son-in-law:
— The hose you bought has holes in several places, I’ll be tired of watering with it.
Son-in-law in the house, in a quiet voice:
“And I also dulled your shovel, bent the teeth on your rake, and broke your electric stove.”
At the doctor:
- Doctor, I have such nightmares! Imagine: my mother-in-law is walking down the street with a crocodile. The teeth are huge and crooked. My breath smells so bad it's absolutely terrible. The skin is green and wrinkled. Healthy paws with claws!
- Yes, indeed, a nightmare!
- Yes, wait! I haven’t told you about the crocodile yet!
Mister Director! I would like to leave work early for my mother-in-law's funeral.
- Me too…
The son-in-law hits his mother-in-law hard on the head with a shovel in the yard. Mother-in-law falls. Her son-in-law:
- For the last time I say - ask for forgiveness!
The mother-in-law barely moved her tongue:
- Forgive me... me...
Wife joyfully from the window:
- Well, we’ve made up!
The wife says to her husband:
– Mom will arrive at 5 am on June 22.
Husband, thoughtfully:
- Almost like in '41...
A man with a gun is walking along the road, holding a small box in his hands. Meets a friend.
Friend:
- Hello! Where are you going?
— To my mother-in-law for her birthday. I bought a gift - earrings.
- Why a gun?
- Make holes in your ears!
Two people meet. One complains:
- Well, my mother-in-law really got it!
Second:
- And you would have done some nasty things to her.
- Yes already! I placed an advertisement in the newspaper on her phone: “I provide sex services. Cheap!"
- So how is it?!
- It turns out, damn it!
A policeman is walking down the street. He sees a woman hanging on the window, barely holding on. and the man hits her on the head with a hammer.
- Hey citizen! What are you doing? Stop it now!
- This is my mother-in-law!
- Tenacious bastard!
Funeral. A passerby asks a man:
-Who are you burying?
- Mother-in-law...
- What did you die from?
- I was poisoned by mushrooms...
- Why are you all covered in bruises?
- I didn’t want to eat...
The husband shouts to his wife:
- Honey, do you know where our old saw is?
Mother-in-law from the room:
- It’s none of your business where I drank! And I’m not old at all!!!
A man comes home and says to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, go get some beer...
- Here's what I want for a beer? Never...
- The store is close, you can only go down to the first floor from the third. I'll give you a thousand, you buy beer, the change is yours!
The mother-in-law thought, well, the money won’t be extra, so she went. The son-in-law drank beer, again to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, go get some vodka...
- Here, should I get you some vodka? Never...
- Well, the store is close, you just go down to the first floor from the third. I'll give you a thousand, buy some vodka, the change is yours!
Well, the mother-in-law thinks again, the money is not extra and went. The man, not yet finishing his vodka, calls his mother-in-law and says:
- Let me crack your spelt with my slipper!
The mother-in-law again begins to shout something indignantly, but her cries calm down when her son-in-law offers 2 thousand. Well, that means it cracked, my mother-in-law ran into the kitchen to count the money, and suddenly the phone rang. The man picks up the phone, and then his wife asks:
- Did you give your mother your pension?
The man answers:
- Yes, I’m giving it away little by little.
Two neighbors are smoking on the landing. One to another:
- Listen, Vitek, why are you so rumpled and beaten?!
- Yes, you understand, damn it... They attacked, beat up and took away all the money...
- Do you even remember their faces?
- What’s there to remember: wife and mother-in-law?
Husband to wife:
- Your mother, it turns out, went to Africa?
- Why do you think so?
- Well, they said on the news: “Anthrax has been discovered in Africa...”
A satisfied man comes to the editorial office of a newspaper and says:
- I want to advertise that my mother-in-law has died.
- Fine. What will the text be?
- “Nina Vasilievna Kulikova has died.”
- Sorry, but our ad must contain at least 10 words.
- Well, okay, write: “Nina Vasilievna Kulikova died, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha!”
A security guard comes home in the morning after his shift, undresses, washes himself, and sits down to have breakfast. The mother-in-law enters the kitchen with a magazine:
- Capital of Angola, six letters.
The son-in-law hits the table with all his might, the cup of tea falls to the floor and breaks into pieces:
- I can at least not think about work at home for at least five minutes, huh?!..
Mother-in-law asks son-in-law:
- Did you see the man who saved me when I was drowning?
- Yes, he already came to me to apologize.
The wife runs home:
- My mother was hit by a bus!
Husband:
- Honey, you see, my lips are chapped, and it’s hard for me to smile.
Dear seismologists, is it possible to report large earthquakes in advance? My mother-in-law hasn’t vacationed anywhere for a long time.
A man comes from hunting, throws a bunch of hedgehogs on the table and says to his wife:
- Here, I shot some hedgehogs. On your collar! Mother-in-law on the insoles!
Pages: 8
The company will perform any paint and varnish work at your mother-in-law’s home.
100% toxicity guaranteed!
Wife to husband:
- Dear, here, you see, my mother decided to come to us for a while.
We should shelter her...
- Well, how long can you FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
Mother-in-law asks son-in-law:
- Did you see the man who saved me when I was drowning?
- Yes, he already came to me to apologize.
A boxer is on trial for brutally beating his mother-in-law.
Judge:
- Defendant, tell me how it all happened.
- Well, I come home, my mother-in-law unlocked the door. Hello,
speaks. “Hello, mom,” I say. And then I look -
it opens on the left...
Fire. A family home is on fire. Head of the family
constantly runs into the house and carries children out of there in his arms,
my wife... well, that’s it, I saved everyone, only my mother-in-law remained. Father runs in
into the house, a minute later one runs out. Throws himself into the fire again...
and again he returns alone.
Everyone asks:
- Well, what happened, what happened?
- Everything is fine, I turn it over....
Honey, do you know where our book “How to Live to 100 Years” is?
- I burned it - my mother-in-law wanted to take it to read.
My mother-in-law is the most exemplary in the world!
- In what sense?
- Yes, there is simply not a single joke about the mother-in-law,
who would not approach her.
“I’m not saying that your mother is a bad cook,” he says.
groom to bride - but I think I'm starting to understand why you
pray before eating.
Doctor, how is my mother-in-law feeling?
“I’m sorry, but she’s being discharged today.”
An old lady is standing at the market, selling tomatoes.
Large sign: "TOMATOES FROM CHERNOBYL."
Suitable buyer:
- What are you talking about?! No one will take it!
- They take it, my dear, they take it. Some for mother-in-law, some for son-in-law...
Doctor, how long will I live after the operation?
- Well, if it goes well, then I promise you 30 years,
and if not, then you are unlikely to wake up from anesthesia.
- How often are such operations successful?
- On average, one out of two.
- Doctor, if my operation goes well, then you can
should I make a second one for my mother-in-law?
The mother-in-law asks her son-in-law:
- Dear son-in-law, what gift would you like for your birthday?
- So that you are not on it, mom...
Question: What do mother-in-law and beer have in common?
Answer: Both are good when it’s cold,
opened and on the table.
How can you constantly quarrel with your wife and at the same time
respect your mother-in-law?
“Once upon a time, she was the one who was decisively against our marriage.
“I have a dream,” said one gangster to another, “to rob
bank and leave my mother-in-law's fingerprints.
A little son asks his father what a disaster is,
what is trouble?
- When, son, my car was stolen, it was a disaster, but not a disaster.
If my mother-in-law - your grandmother - went to the city, fell under
bus and died - it would have been a DISASTER. But here's the problem - she
doesn't go to town!
Why does the rooster sing so much?
Because he has ten wives and not a single mother-in-law.
An elderly woman submits a telegraph form at the post office, in which
not very legibly written: “Congratulations to my daughter Nina, grandchildren
Happy New Year to Olya and Katya and grandson Petya."
“You’d better,” the postal employee advised, “just write
and briefly: “Happy New Year to everyone.”
- Hello! - the woman answered. - Why is this everyone?
when I don’t want to congratulate my son-in-law.
Two friends meet. One says to the other:
- Listen, why are you so thoughtful?
- Yes, I had a little quarrel with my mother-in-law, I don’t know what to do.
- Come on, make peace with her, after all, you live together.
- That's not the point. I think it's better to hide the body
or confess.
A man comes to the funeral home and asks what kind of
There are coffins. They show him all this chrome-plated zinc
coffin, price - $500...
- No, expensive. What other ones are there?
They show a wooden one, upholstered in red velvet, price - $200...
- Isn’t there anything cheaper?
They show a cardboard one, the price is $50...
- Also expensive...
- So who are you going to bury?
- Yes, my mother-in-law...
- Ahh, well then bring your mother-in-law, we’ll give her hands for a dollar
we'll kill you...
Probably all the jokes about mother-in-law are made up by not very happy sons-in-law or those who are afraid of becoming one. However, anecdotal situations can be repeated not only with mothers-in-law, but also with all other family members. But here we have a selection of jokes about mother-in-law...
1. Two people meet on the station square:
-Where have you been?
-I accompanied my mother-in-law to the village.
-Why is your face covered in soot?
-To celebrate, he kissed the locomotive.
2. — Borya, what’s going on with you? Your mother-in-law has been poisoned by mushrooms for the third time this month!
- Oh, it’s all her damned sclerosis: she cooks for me, and then forgets and tries it herself!
3. One man says to another:
-And yesterday I picked my mother-in-law’s mushrooms...
-What if they are poisonous?
-What do you mean suddenly?
4. Chief, will you take my mother-in-law to the dacha in Petushki?
Five hundred rubles.
Here's a thousand, take it.
What about change?
Keep the change!!!
5. — Dad, will grandma definitely be traveling by this train?
- You should talk less and unscrew the rail faster...
6. A man came to an insurance agent:
-I want to insure my mother-in-law against floods
- I would advise you, young man, even from a fire
-What’s the point of this?
-What if you don’t succeed the first time?
7. Two friends meet, one of them has two color TVs.
- Why do you need two?
“My mother-in-law said that she would give half her life for a color TV!”
8. Letter to the television company: I ask you not to run the advertising ticker at the bottom of the screen during news! My mother-in-law thinks it's karaoke and sings!!!
9. At the market, a grandmother sells apples with a sign on them that says “Chernobyl.”
Some smart person passing by remarks:
- Listen, grandma, probably no one is buying your apples. Why are you
did you put up this sign?
- How come they don’t take it? And how they take it! Some for the wife, some for the mother-in-law...
10. Two hunters meet:
- Well, how?
- Yes, I shot hedgehogs.
— ???
- For my wife’s collar, for my mother-in-law’s insoles.
11. A man came home from work, sitting, watching TV. The mother-in-law comes into the room with a broom. He asks her:
- Mom, are you going to sweep or are you flying somewhere?
12. - And as soon as I walk home, I immediately say to my mother-in-law from the doorway: “Klavdia Petrovna! I have no intelligence, no money, I don’t do anything around the house, and your daughter could get married much better!”
And while she hastily and painfully remembers what I missed on this list, I add:
“Son-in-law Petrov has finished his report! Let me go and have a beer with my friends -
alcoholics?
13. Wife to husband:
— My mother, after being poisoned, is already being discharged from the hospital.
Husband to himself:
“Yes, toxicology has stepped far forward, the methods inherited from my grandfather no longer work.”
14. In a photo studio, the master looks at the client for a long time and intently. He fidgeted in
chair:
- Is there something wrong?
- Yes, don’t worry, everything is fine - it’s just that if it weren’t for the mustache, you would be
the spitting image of my mother-in-law.
- But I don’t have a mustache!
- But she has it.
15. Dad! Can grandma drink a liter of juice?
- Maybe.
- How about two liters of juice?
- Maybe.
- What about a hundred liters of juice?
- Yes, at least two hundred! Remember, daughter, when the mother-in-law lives on
son-in-law's money - she can eat and drink by the carload!
16. Call. The husband picks up the phone.
- Hello?... Yes, mom!... Yes, we had a fight again!.. Yes, I remember, you
she told me that she was a bitch and that I shouldn’t bother her
get married!... You were right, as always!.. Of course, I regret it,
that I didn’t listen to you!... I tried, nothing works! ...
I tried that too!...Do you want to talk to her!? One minute..
Kiss…
Then he shouts to his wife:
- Darling, please come! Your mom is calling!
17. A man, after a long, exhausting argument with his mother-in-law, turns to his son:
- Son, bring grandma some lip cream.
-Which cream?
- This one is in a tube, it says “Moment” on it.
18. A husband, wife, father-in-law, and mother-in-law are traveling in the car.
A traffic cop stops the car and says: “Comrade driver, you are the first to drive this section of the road without making mistakes.” Your bonus is 500 rubles.
Driver: - That’s good, I’ll buy the rights to them!
Traffic cop: - What, you still don’t have a license?
Wife: - Don’t listen, comrade traffic cop, what can’t you tell if you’re drunk?
Traffic cop: - What, are you also drunk?
The mother-in-law jumps out of the car, runs away and shouts: “I told you that you won’t get far in a stolen car!”
19. The Armenian radio is asked:
— How can we relax as a family if we only have one ticket?
Armenian radio answers:
- Send your mother-in-law.
20. A man comes to the ticket office to buy a train ticket and says:
- Please give me a reserved seat ticket to Khabarovsk - an upper side seat near the toilet...
And, seeing the stunned face of the cashier, he explains:
- Yes, I’m sending my mother-in-law home...
21. Mother-in-law talking to son-in-law:
- You're a good man.
You love your children, you love your wife, you will never say a bad word to me. Just please explain to me why all your bedtime stories for children end with the phrase: “And they lived happily ever after, because his wife was an orphan.”
22. A Siberian family is going to have dinner. The husband comes from the living room and says:
- Lucy, why on earth did your mother leave for Canada, and why didn’t you tell me anything about it?
- Why do you think so?!
— The Vremya program just reported: anthrax has been discovered in Canada!
23. Recently, in the social services market, in addition to the “Husband for an hour” and “Wife for 2 minutes” services, a new service has appeared for men who decide to get married - “Mother-in-law for a month.”
24. The mother-in-law, in order to improve her son-in-law’s mood, grabbed her heart and moaned:
- Oh! Oh!! I'm dying!!!
25. Still, there is justice in the world. After the renovation was completed, my mother-in-law moved in with a neighbor who spent six months doing renovations and woke us up early every day with the roar of a hammer drill. For permanent residence!
on our website:
In the kitchen, the mother-in-law is cooking dumplings. A small kitten comes up to her and asks her for meat:
- Meow meow!
The mother-in-law pushes him away with her foot:
- Leave me alone!
The kitten comes up again and asks for meat again
- Go away! - the mother-in-law shouts, pushing her away with her foot.
The cat is at it again. The mother-in-law, angry, kicks him away.
The son-in-law comes into the kitchen. Mother-in-law:
- Sit down, beloved son-in-law, I cooked dumplings for you!
The son-in-law sits down at the table, the mother-in-law serves him dumplings. A kitten approaches his son-in-law and asks for a dumpling with his paw:
- Meow meow!
Son-in-law:
- Here, my dear, eat the dumplings!
The kitten happily eats the dumpling and falls to the floor dead.
Son-in-law:
- Oh you...!!! Are you planning to poison me?!!!
And how will he tell his mother-in-law that she flew into the corner.
- Yes!!! - the kitten thought, opening his eye slightly.
The man comes home and says to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, go get some beer...
- Here, why don’t I get you some beer? Never...
- The store is close, you can only go down to the first floor from the third. I'll give you a thousand, you buy beer, the change is yours!
The mother-in-law thought, well, the money won’t be extra, so she went. The son-in-law drank beer, again to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, go get some vodka...
- Here, should I get you some vodka? Never...
The store is close, you just go down to the first floor from the third. I'll give you a thousand, buy vodka, the change is yours!
Well, the mother-in-law again thinks that the money is not extra and went...
The man, not yet finishing his vodka, calls his mother-in-law and says:
- Let me crack your spelt with my slipper!
- The mother-in-law again begins to shout something indignantly, but her cries calm down when her son-in-law offers 2 thousand...
Well, that means it cracked, my mother-in-law ran into the kitchen to count the money, and suddenly the phone rang...
The man picks up the phone, and then his wife asks:
- Did you give your mother your pension? the man answers:
- Yes, I’m giving it away little by little...
In the kitchen, the mother-in-law is cooking dumplings. A small kitten comes up to her and asks her for meat: “Meow, meow!” The mother-in-law pushes him away with her foot: “Leave me alone!”
The kitten comes up again and asks for meat: “Meow, meow!” The mother-in-law kicks him again: “Go away!” He comes up again and asks for meat: “Meow, meow!” The mother-in-law again, angry, kicks him away.
The son-in-law comes into the kitchen. Mother-in-law: “Sit down, beloved son-in-law, I made dumplings for you!” The son-in-law sits down at the table, the mother-in-law serves him dumplings. A kitten approaches his son-in-law and asks for a dumpling with his paw: “Meow, meow!” Son-in-law: “Here, my dear, eat the dumplings!” The kitten happily eats the dumpling and falls to the floor dead.
Son-in-law: “Oh, you.....! Are you planning to poison me?!!!” And as the mother-in-law gave it, she flew into the corner. Here is a kitten, opening one eye slightly: “Yes!!!”
Hairdresser: A girl cuts a guy’s hair and asks:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- No... I don’t have a mother-in-law... . pause...
Asks again:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- I said, pah pah, no, pause...
Asks again:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- Well, no, what are you pestering?
- And it’s easier for me to cut my hair this way... When I ask about your mother-in-law, your hair stands on end!
And his mother-in-law:
- If you call me mom, I’ll pull you out.
The man was tormented, tormented - he couldn’t dare call his mother-in-law mom. She was offended, turned around and left. The man shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out on his own, was all ragged, broke his nails, angry as hell. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and grabbed his gun. The mother-in-law saw and ran to hide in the corn. Her son-in-law sneaks behind her through the corn and tenderly says:
- Mommy, where are you?
A man came to clean the well. He cleaned it up and called his mother-in-law to throw him a rope and pull him out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- If you call me mom, I’ll pull you out.
- Mommy, where are you?
A man came to clean the well. He cleaned it up and called his mother-in-law to throw him a rope and pull him out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- If you call me mom, I’ll pull you out.
The man was tormented, tormented - he couldn’t dare call his mother-in-law mom. She was offended, turned around and left. The man shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out on his own, was all ragged, broke his nails, angry as hell. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and grabbed his gun. The mother-in-law saw and ran to hide in the corn. Her son-in-law sneaks behind her through the corn and tenderly says:
- Mommy, where are you?
The son-in-law says to his mother-in-law: Mother-in-law, go get me some cigarettes! I give you a thousand. The change is yours. The mother-in-law ran. My son-in-law calls again. Mother-in-law, go get me a beer! I give five thousand, the change is yours. Mother-in-law - run to the store. Is heard phone call, The wife says: Honey, did you give Mom your pension? Husband: I’m giving it away little by little...
One day my mother-in-law decided to check whether her sons loved her.
He comes to his eldest son-in-law. He rushes into the pond near his house and yells, “Save me! I’m drowning!” The son-in-law blew himself up, ran out of the house, and saved his mother-in-law. The next day he wakes up and there is a Lada standing at the door with the inscription “To my beloved son-in-law from my beloved mother-in-law.”
The mother-in-law went to the middle son-in-law... The same thing.
The mother-in-law went to her younger son-in-law and threw herself into the pond. Shouts "I'm drowning! I'm drowning." The son-in-law laughed and went to bed. He wakes up, goes outside and sees a new mayor with the inscription “To my beloved son-in-law from my beloved father-in-law.”
Husband and wife make love. Suddenly the doorbell rings. Mother-in-law has arrived. The three of them are sitting at the table, drinking tea.
Mother-in-law: - You son-in-law are not happy! ! How do you feel?
Son-in-law: - Like a rabbit!
Mother-in-law: - Why?
Son-in-law: - Because they tore me away from what I loved and forced me to look at a boa constrictor!!!
The son-in-law calls his mother-in-law from the maternity hospital:
- Mom, we have twins!
The mother-in-law didn’t hear and said:
- Could you repeat it?
- Mom, why do we need so much!
At the trial the boxer is asked:
- Why did you beat your mother-in-law?
- So, I’m coming from training.
My mother-in-law meets me. And then I see: it opens on the left...
My mother-in-law ordered laxative tea to be bought for her:
- But make sure there are three ballerinas in the picture on the box! The son-in-law was scouring the shelves in the store. No, damn it with three, fuck the mother-in-law with her whims! I took a box with 2 ballerinas on it.
Mother-in-law at home:
- I said laxative tea with three ballerinas, but here there are two!!!
- Mom, one ballerina has already gone crazy:
A man calls his mother-in-law:
- Take your daughter with you! We've only lived with her for a month, but I can't stand it anymore!
Mother-in-law:
- Sorry, son-in-law, after 14 days, the manufacturer does not accept returns...
The son-in-law meets his mother-in-law at the station, enters the compartment and asks:
- Mom, are you staying with us for a long time?
- Until I get bored, my mother-in-law answers.
- Why won’t you even leave the compartment?
My mother-in-law always grumbles when I drink beer, but what would you choose, mother-in-law or beer?
- Everything is good when it’s cold on the table!
The mother-in-law came to visit the newlyweds. Everyone is sitting at the table, having dinner. A clock hangs above the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law ate and went to wash her hands.
As soon as she left, the clock fell. Husband in an indignant voice:
- Damn, they're always late
My husband wished for New Year the desire for the wife to become thrifty, and the mother-in-law to become smart. After the chimes, the wife turned off the TV, blew out the candles, removed the cognac from the table, and the mother-in-law began to tell the details of the Russian-Turkish war of 1877...
The mother-in-law comes to the young people. He looks at the gas stove and says:
- What a neat girl my daughter is! The plate is already shining!
Son-in-law:
- Yes, mom, there is such wisdom: it’s clean not where they clean, but where they don’t shit!
Mother-in-law:
- Didn't understand...
Son-in-law:
- Your daughter doesn’t cook a damn thing!!!
A friend's mother-in-law bought a goat at the market. On the first day the goat gave a liter of milk, on the second day - even less, and on the third day she didn’t give a damn thing. The mother-in-law became concerned and took her to the veterinarian. The veterinarian examined the goat and said:
- The goat, of course, is very jacked up, but he will live!!!
Defendant, why did you strangle your mother-in-law?
- Yes, I’m tired of her, your honor!
- So is this a reason to kill a person?! For example, my mother-in-law is such a creature, a bastard, a bitch, a brute, an idiot, a hag, a nit, a nonentity... in short, a probationary year!
Boxing trainer:
- Petrov, they complained about you, why did you give your mother-in-law a black eye?
- Ivan Stepanych, I came home, my mother-in-law met me, took off my shoes, handed me slippers, invited me into the kitchen, the table was set, buttered my bread, and then suddenly it opened on the left...
One-room apartment. Husband and wife on the ottoman. My mother-in-law is on a cot nearby.
The husband pesters his wife:
- Come on. Come on!
- It’s inconvenient, mom will hear.
- Come on. Come on!
A rhythmic creak is heard. After a while, the wife’s cry: “Oh, mom!”
- What, daughter?
- Buy bread tomorrow.
Mother-in-law to herself: “What a gluttonous son-in-law! Sixth loaf of bread that night.”
An angry husband sends an SMS to his mother-in-law:
“Your product (daughter) does not cook normal food! Doesn’t clean the apartment! Doesn’t wash or iron my shirts!”
Mother-in-law replies:
“The choice is made by you personally! The product has been sold, the warranty has expired, the manufacturer is not responsible! P.S.: The program may fail, try to twist it with your key, if you can’t do it yourself, hire a specialist!”
The son-in-law (Z) comes home - drunk as hell! His mother-in-law meets him:
- Oh, you drunken bastard, I’m the mistress of the house here, I’m hunching over you all, and you bitch don’t respect me!!!
The son-in-law hit her hard on the face - only her legs flashed in the air! I went out to smoke - look - my friend (D) is coming!
Z: -Come to me - we’ll let you through for a hundred!
D: -No question.
Enter the kitchen:
D: - Why is your mother-in-law lying under the table?
Z: -Well, I don’t know, she is the mistress of the house - she lies wherever she wants.
The mother-in-law sends her son-in-law to the grocery store. He asks that he choose the vegetables for the salad conscientiously. So that they are clean, without nitrates.
My son-in-law went to a store known for the highest quality vegetables. Having filled the bags, I decided to check with the saleswoman:
- Tell me, are these vegetables without nitrates and without any toxic substances? I'll carry them for my mother-in-law.
Saleswoman:
- Without... You, young man, need to put this in yourself.
Who is this mother-in-law?
- Her mother...
The mother-in-law decided to check which of her sons-in-law loved her more: she jumped into the well and shouted:
- Help me, I’m drowning.
The eldest son-in-law ran up and pulled it out, and in the morning the Volga wakes up, a gift from his mother-in-law. The middle son-in-law is the same, only a gift - a motorcycle.
It was the turn of the younger brother, the mother-in-law began to drown. The younger son-in-law runs up and thinks to himself:
- She gave the eldest a Volga, the middle one a motorcycle, but what about a scooter for me?!
He took it and drowned it, in the morning he wakes up, looks, there is a Mercedes - a gift from his father-in-law to his best son-in-law.
Cop - And I'm "Mukhu"
T. - What kind of trouble is this?
Mentyara takes out a grenade launcher.
M. - Let me show you...
Open the window to the courtyard.
M. - Yeah
- Where did your mother-in-law go?
Father-in-law:
The cop has returned from Chechnya, there’s a holiday at home - the wife is chirping, the mother-in-law is throwing things on the table, pouring vodka... They sit for an hour, sit for two, sit for three, the wife is already tired and goes to take care of the children, the mother-in-law is already hinting that it’s time to know the honor, and The cop and his father-in-law only had the most masculine conversations:
Father-in-law - I brought a captured Schmeiser from the war, but what are you doing?
Cop - And I'm "Mukhu"
T. - What kind of trouble is this?
Mentyara takes out a grenade launcher.
T. - Wow, what the hell is this? How does it shoot?
M. - Let me show you...
Open the window to the courtyard.
M. - No, that’s not interesting - you need a goal.
T. - You see the toilet, imagine that these are militants driving a UAZ.
M. - Yeah
Aims. Crash - barkheska into splinters.
The father-in-law is delighted - This is the thing!!!
They rolled on, then again and again... The cop looks around the hut with a dull eye:
- Where did your mother-in-law go?
Father-in-law:
- There was no point in riding with the militants in a UAZ...
Children are the flowers of life. Mother-in-law is the cactus of death.
Children are the flowers of life.
Mother-in-law is the cactus of death.
