Does he spend a lot of time in dubious companies, is nervous, worried, but does not share anything with you? Have all your attempts to establish contact failed?
Why many teenagers avoid communicating with their parents: 4 reasons
- Teenagers do not feel their parents are interested in their problems and pressing issues.
- In some families, it is not customary to discuss problems with other members, complain, or show oneself weak and defenseless.
- Parents teach their children so much that it is impossible for them to get a word in edgewise. Such teenagers choose the strategy “Keep quiet, it’s easier and safer.”
- Teenagers strive for independence. And any attempts by parents to “get into the soul” are regarded by them as an encroachment on personal freedom or as an attempt to prolong an unnecessary childhood.
Why do you need to talk to a teenager?
Despite the fact that the child strives in every possible way to show and defend his adulthood, he still remains a child. Neither friends, nor hobbies, nor the Internet will give a teenager the wise life knowledge that his relatives and friends possess.
How to get a teenager to talk: tips for parents
1. Remember yourself
Before you start a conversation with your child, remember yourself in adolescence: what interested you, what were you interested in, how did you communicate with peers, parents, teachers? What kind of communication was it: polite or not, open or distant? What did you want most at that moment - freedom, understanding, recognition, adequate self-esteem, moral support from family and friends? It is important to understand: everything that happened to you was not random mistakes, but tests that you had to go through in order to become such a wonderful person like you.
2. Treat your teen as an individual.
Despite some “childishness” of a teenager, respect him. Remember: he is an independent person with his own characteristics and the right to make mistakes.
3. Acknowledge his right to secrets.
Remember that teenagers may have their own secrets. Therefore, before you start a conversation, calm yourself down. It's okay to have secrets. You also have a few things that you will never tell anyone about?
4. Make contact
Tell your teen in advance that you would like to talk to him. Find out when he can do this. During this period, he will be able to tune in to the conversation. Say you won't read morals. If your child rebels, does not answer questions, violates deadlines, or refuses to communicate altogether, it means that the time for revelation has not yet come. Don’t be nervous or rude in response, show restraint. It is likely that the teenager is “testing your strength.”
5. Ask smart questions
If your teenager responded favorably to the offer to talk, start the conversation with a question. For example, ask for advice on something or ask why your relationship isn't working. Ask what he thinks the parent is doing wrong. If your teen doesn't say anything specific, don't worry. Switch the conversation to neutral topics. The main thing is to teach your teenager to communicate with you. Gradually he will begin to trust you. Remember that it is easier to get a person to talk by doing something together with him. Therefore, if your teenager remains silent, answers questions floridly, or shows aggression, keep him busy with something interesting. If the teenager makes contact, then ask about his problems, questions that concern him, etc.
6. Don't be obtrusive
When asking questions, do not press, do not be intrusive or too harsh. Don't fawn or coo - this will only cause irritation. Let your child know that you - loving parent and are always ready to listen, understand and help.
7. Listen actively
Do not rush the child, let him speak calmly. This will help him understand himself better. Ask clarifying questions, ask what he would do in your place. Answer his questions.
8. Take initiative
If your teenager suddenly starts telling you about his idols, iPads and tablets, and these topics are not at all interesting to you, do not pull your child back, do not walk away from the conversation, but support his initiative. Listen carefully and ask clarifying questions. Remember, good conversation starts small.
9. Tell personal stories
Do not lecture or oppose yourself to the teenager. This leads to irritation and protests. It’s better to tell stories from your life - about first love, about clashes with your parents, about fights with the neighbor’s yard, about secrets from your parents, etc.
10. Show your feelings
When discussing a problem, event or story with your child, talk about your feelings and express your attitude. The teenager will decide for himself what to do next with the information provided. He's already an adult. If you decide something for him, he will get angry or withdraw into himself.
11. Praise
Don't miss an opportunity to praise your teenager for anything. Tell him how beautifully he cut his hair, picked out a suit, how wonderfully he coped with the task, how he supported his sister in a difficult moment. It is best to praise a teenager in front of witnesses (relatives, friends), since a teenager at this age public opinion most important.
No matter how much one prepares for adolescence, it comes unexpectedly for all parents. The child changes before our eyes: it seems that just yesterday the child calmly listened to the teachings, but today the whole essence of the teenager begins to rebel. A son or daughter sometimes cannot listen to their parents for even a minute, denying almost every word spoken. How to talk to a teenager if the child considers himself right in everything?
1. Looking at the clock
Psychologists say that it is possible to interest a person in a conversation only in the first 60 seconds. If you spend this time lecturing, most likely you will not be able to find a common language with a teenager. The son or daughter will simply withdraw into himself and silently perceive the information, without delving into the meaning of what was said.
2. Eye to eye
This rule is not for you. Parents need to communicate with their teenagers unobtrusively. One mother says: “I had to serious conversation with daughter. Several times I tried to start it by sitting next to the child and looking into her eyes. The daughter kept to herself and did not open up. Everything was decided by itself. As we prepared for the guests to arrive and cut salads, we began to talk. Surprisingly, we found a common language. The relaxed atmosphere contributed to this.”
3. Gadgets come to the rescue
Modern children rarely communicate verbally. It’s easier for them to write something online than to express their thoughts in words. Master new technologies, communicate via chats and email. Many will say that this way you can distance yourself from the teenager even more, but in practice it turns out to be quite the opposite. Children love advanced parents.
4. On the same wavelength as the child
No one can give you 100% advice on how to communicate with a teenager correctly. We are all individual, so you need to clearly know your child’s preferences. The child loves music - ask what styles and performers are in fashion now; the teenager loves sports - suggest going to a football match together. Common interests bring you closer together, so you will quickly reach the heart of your teenager.
5. Become a lawyer at heart
Not that boring lawyer who is trying to prove the judge right, but a person who knows how to competently express his thoughts and convince his interlocutor of the correctness of his opinion. If you want to learn how to talk to a teenager correctly, avoid accusations and one-word answers. If, after the first phrase, you tell your child: “You never listen to me,” and leave, slamming the door, there will be no dialogue. The situation is similar with questions and answers. When asking how your day went, don’t end the conversation with general phrases like “fine,” “as always.” Try to clarify what exactly happened while sharing your thoughts about the day.
Many parents do not know how to find a common language with a teenager. They try to promote an authoritarian style of communication, forgetting that a growing child is also a person. Accept the fact that the child is growing and has his own views on life. Be flexible, and then you will understand your child one hundred percent.
When building your communication with a teenage child, you need to take into account many features, the main of which will be determined by their transitional age. There are several ways proper communication with a teenager.
Proper division of roles in the family
Many parents choose a relationship with their child that is more like a friendly one. But such communication between an adult and a teenager is not entirely correct. Indeed, in this case there will be no parental superiority over the child, and this should not be the case. Parents should be the support of their own child; he should feel support and help from his parents. Parents should take an active part in the teenager's life.
If a teenager asks for help or advice, under no circumstances should you refuse him due to lack of time. Communication between parents and teenagers at this moment will be especially important, so it is better to postpone all your affairs.
Raising responsibility in a teenager
A child aged 16-17 years must be aware of a sense of responsibility. This will help him in life. After all, in order for him to stand on his own two feet, he must achieve a lot. To do this, from childhood it is necessary to distribute a certain range of responsibilities around the house. During this communication between an adult and a teenager, he must learn to perform the assigned tasks.
The main thing is communication with the teenager
It is necessary to protect the teenage child
Even considering that at this age teenagers want to seem like adults, they still remain children. Therefore, if any situation occurs in which a child needs the protection of his parents, in order for them to believe him, it is imperative that parents understand how to communicate with a teenager and support him.
It is also necessary to show interest in the child’s hobbies. You need to know what he is interested in, what music he prefers, who he communicates with, etc. The attention shown to the child in this way will certainly be appreciated by him. And then how to communicate with teenagers will become more clear to parents.
There are several rules for proper communication with teenagers. By following them, you can gain trust from children and avoid many problems.
Adolescents in our country are considered children from 12 to 17 years of age. This part of life for children is divided into three periods - early adolescence (12-13), middle adolescence (13-16) and older adolescence - from 16 to 17 years.
Adolescence is characterized by increased maximalism, vulnerability and the desire to prove to the whole world the value of one’s personality. Therefore, the teenager tries to listen less to adults (even not to listen at all) and more to peers, whose opinion becomes extremely important for the child. At the same time, the adult remains perplexed: just yesterday Vasenka or Lenochka, who obeyed every mother and father’s word, today argue about everything and prove their own opinion.
In addition to the psychological characteristics of adolescence, the conflict between parents and teenage children is influenced by misunderstanding between both parties. For example, dad says: “Turn off the light and go to bed, it’s late” - dad means that it’s harmful for the child to sit at the computer, but the child hears something else in this phrase: dad limits his freedom. Therefore, it is advisable to communicate with the teenager as patiently as possible, to explain to him what exactly you meant when you asked the teenager to do this or that.
If an adult's tone rises, children will instantly recognize this. Irritation, anger, aggression - all this is picked up by the child’s sensitive ear, even if dad or mom tries to speak calmly. As soon as a teenager feels that an adult is trying to make him guilty of something, he will immediately bristle and begin to contradict adults in any way. Therefore, try to talk to your child as calmly as possible, be polite with them, so that a socially immature person feels respect for himself.
The importance of a teenager's opinion
If you don't know how to resolve a particular situation, speak honestly to your child and ask for his opinion. The child will express his feelings, and you will have a full conversation, and not one-sided accusations. If you have doubts, express them to your child. Then he will understand that before him is not an indisputable authority, but a person with his own thoughts and feelings, doubts, the same as those of a child. And he will be more willing to listen to the opinions of adults.
To keep a certain situation under control, it is not necessary to achieve the child’s consent to this or that step at all costs. A teenager should have the opportunity to choose. This is very important for them now, much more important than for dad or mom to achieve their own demands. Therefore, at this stage (in adolescence) it is very important to talk to the child more, and not demand from him.
If the child does not need to obey, he will not need to rebel against the “outdated” foundations that adults “impose.” Excessive criticism and demands from a teenager to be perfect in everything are more harmful than helpful. You won’t achieve the ideal, but you will very quickly turn the child against you.
In addition, adults must feel and recognize when a child needs advice, and when a child is “testing”: can I talk to mom and dad about this or that? It is very good if the range of topics that parents can discuss with a teenager is as diverse as possible.
How to call a teenager for a frank conversation
Very often in adolescence, a child compares his behavior model with the behavior model of his peers. He can come from school and talk about how Vasya behaved in class. He does not express his opinion, this is a test for parental opinion. In this case, the big mistake of the parents will be to immediately throw hostility at poor Vasya, scold him and end the conversation with “But here I am in my time...” The child will get angry and begin to think that the model of parental behavior is both in this and in following cases there will be no difference in originality.
The correct behavior of parents is to call the teenager to straight Talk. The two main questions they should ask the child are: “What do you think about Vasya’s behavior” and “Why do you think that?” and the third, no less important question: “What would you do?”
If such conversations are held with teenagers on a regular basis, the child will not hide his feelings and intentions from adults, and you will always be able to react in time if your son or daughter begins to have difficulties with anything. For example, with how to behave in a particular company. The main task of parents is to preserve the precious opportunity to communicate openly with their child, regardless of the circumstances in which he finds himself. The feeling of constant connection with parents, the feeling that he will always be understood and listened to, is much more important for a teenager than a model of submission and authoritarianism. The feeling that a child will always be understood gives him greater confidence in himself and in communicating with peers, social role The child becomes more and more strong and stable.
When he becomes an adult, he will be firmly confident in himself and will transfer the same attitude to communication with the adult team. The career and personal life of such a teenager will be much more successful.
How to gently say “no” to a teenager
Of course, parents cannot always agree with their child, because this will not strengthen their authority, but on the contrary, it will destroy it. First of all, parents should be honest with their son or daughter. But you also need to be able to say “no” to a teenager. There are many phrases you can use to tell your child that you don't agree with their opinion or that you don't like it. Firstly, you need to listen to the child without interrupting, even if, in your opinion, he is talking complete nonsense. And, if you do not agree with his opinion or action, carefully speak out: “I would most likely have acted differently.” The child will certainly have a question about how.
Or tell the teenager: “I can’t agree with you, although there may be something in it. But the situation can be approached more effectively.” And discuss with the child a plan for developing the situation, taking into account and respecting his opinion. Or say another magic phrase: “I have a different opinion, but I respect yours. You can do as you see fit. Although it would be more useful..."
Thus, you do the main thing: show the child how much you respect him, and do not impose your own opinion, but make your own position clear. Then the child learns from you that it is normal to defend and have his own opinion, it does not have to coincide with the opinion of the greatest authority for him.
If the child does not openly contradict, he will not have the need and, most importantly, the temptation to resist. Dealing with a teenager is not an easy task, but you can definitely do it.
How to communicate with a child adolescence? inna_kriksunova wrote in September 21, 2010
The age from 11-12 to 14-16 years is called transitional.
Some of us have already gone through this period: our children have become adults, but our grandchildren are growing up imperceptibly. Others' children are currently in this period. For others it will come soon.
How to behave with a child so as not to lose contact with him?
Psychologists believe that puberty is divided into two stages: negative-critical (11-13 years) and positive (13-16 years). A teenager's priorities gradually change, and by the age of 15-16 he becomes more mature and responsible.
This age is difficult not only because the child begins to undergo hormonal changes. His status is also changing: he has left the age when he had favorite toys and was in a position of being dependent on his parents.
The teenager is lost: he feels that something has changed, but does not understand what exactly. At this moment he wants to find new interests, new acquaintances. He reveals his originality and uniqueness.
A teenager grows rapidly, his skeleton and muscles change. All this leads to some disproportion and angularity. Children feel clumsy and awkward at this time.
Many of them experience difficulties in studying; it fades into the background or third place. A teenager wants everyone - both adults and peers - to treat him not as a child, but as an adult. He claims equal rights in relations with elders and enters into conflicts, defending his position.
The child develops a new perception of the world around him. He begins to critically perceive the system of rules and traditions of society and family. He has a need for independence, the need to make independent decisions, and the time comes to acquire his own life experience.
If a teenager has a need to work and take care of others, then the process of growing up is significantly accelerated. When he has the opportunity to earn money, a certain financial independence appears. If at the same time he remembers his responsibilities to his family, then he quickly develops as a person and becomes independent. For example, in the United States there is a long tradition: children begin to earn extra money on their own from adolescence.
One of the characteristics of adolescence is the need for risk. This is dictated by the desire to assert oneself. This is difficult for parents to accept. The only way to do this is to take risks with your child, on your own territory. This is how parents will be able to speak with a teenager in his language and establish mutual understanding.
If you want to maintain contact with your child, recognize him as an adult who has his own views and rights. Take his hobbies (risky sports, playing the guitar, writing poetry, extravagant outfits, etc.) seriously, without irony, because he can perceive any joke as an insult to his feelings. This can provoke isolation and mistrust.
You will have to forget that a parent is a person whose opinion is not discussed. You once enjoyed this status, but everything has changed: your child is becoming independent. Now the best way for both parties is friendly relations.
Your experience gives you an advantage. But don't use it as a weapon. Instead, help your child solve problems and suggest ways out of difficult situations.
In adolescents, the nervous system has not yet formed. Emotions prevail over consciousness. But the teenager does not yet have enough experience to cope with them and control them. Therefore, he can break down over the most insignificant reasons.
Often, not being able to assess the situation objectively, a teenager becomes delighted with the person who committed a bad act. Conversely, he may begin to treat a person poorly just because of one single mistake that he made.
Teenagers often confuse stubbornness with will, rudeness with courage, mischief with determination. They do not yet distinguish between socially positive and negative behavior. Asserting their right to adulthood, they show stubbornness, isolation, and insolence. Any guardianship and control causes sharp discontent and resistance.
Teenagers' assessment of their actions is uncritical. Hence their desire to justify themselves, to blame it on chance or other people.
A teenager's emotional excitability is increased, and all this is combined with a lack of life experience. A teenager wants to be considered. He is very vulnerable. If before he easily forgot grievances, now they sink deep into his soul.
During this period he developed a keen interest in opposite sex, sex, erotica. Inexperience, naivety, high degree Suggestibility encourages adolescents to imitate adults and use an “independent” style of behavior. This is expressed in smoking, drinking alcohol, early initiation into sexual activity...
During this period, it becomes difficult to communicate with the child. The problem is that we express our requests and wishes to an adult in the correct form. But in relation to a teenager, we consider this optional. But even when we present our demands to him in a polite manner, then, not seeing a corresponding reaction on his part, we rush to immediately achieve an immediate result. There is no need to put pressure: the teenager has an internal struggle of motives. His negative reaction to your request is self-defense from someone else’s intrusion into the process of internal struggle of motives. Do not speed up this process, show restraint and patience!
Help your child overcome this difficult period. Warm him with your love, tell him about his virtues, let him feel the joy of life. Be persistent and patient, remember how difficult it is for your son or daughter now - they are forming an adult in themselves.
Based on articles.
