News from the sixth chamber. There are no Russian troops on Ukrainian territory. And the criminal case of high treason brought against a mother of many children for disclosing information accidentally overheard on a minibus about the dispatch of a certain Russian military unit to Ukraine is...
Laughter and sin are cheating on your husband with a clown.
“Dear,” the wife says to her husband, “while you were away, I decided to sell our old shabby Renault to our neighbor.”
- Why, he was still completely fine. How much?
- For five thousand.
- What!? So cheap! He just fucked you up!
- No, no, he paid for this separately.
My husband went to the resort. He courted women there so much that his eye was knocked out. There was no suitable one - they inserted a bullish one. So he goes home and thinks: how
explain everything to your wife?
On the platform his wife saw him and prayed:
- Vanya, don’t look at me like that, I’ll tell you everything myself...
- Maruska, where did you tear your stockings?
- It got caught on the tank.
- For which tank?
- Yes, on uniform.
King Arthur, leaving for war, put a chastity belt on his queen with a trick - it had a hole in the right place. But the hole was with a guillotine... and every knight who encroached on the queen’s love was deprived of what was most dear to him. And so, the king returns and arranges a “look” for everyone. All the knights of the court are castrated - horror! But here is Sir Lancelot - everything is in place for him. The king almost shed tears:
“Oh, my glorious Lancelot, you alone did not betray me!” I will reward you! But why are you silent?
“But Lancelot could only move his head and hum in response...
Conversation between two friends:
– Oh, you know, I decided to sell my imported sofa.
-Are you crazy? Why?
“He reminds me all the time about cheating on my husband.”
- Wow! Yes, if I sold everything that reminds me of cheating on my husband, then I would have nothing left in my apartment except the lampshade and the iron!
The husband noticed that his wife was with someone too often mobile phone talking, I decided to check it out. I took the phone - sure! Either some Vitalik will call her, then she will call Vitalik... It’s a mess!
The next day he says:
– Wife, I’m leaving on a business trip for three days.
And he himself rents an apartment in the building opposite, and takes up an observation post with powerful binoculars. He sees: a cool car drives up to the house, a healthy man gets out of it, flowers, cognac, chocolate in his hands. Well, my husband thinks, probably Vitalik... Exactly! A man goes up to the fourth floor, his wife opens the door, throws herself on his neck, and they go out for a drink. The husband with the binoculars is tearing up and rushing: I’m fucking going to tear this Vitalik apart!
Meanwhile, Vitalik picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. There he begins to undress: a powerful torso, powerful biceps, a decent-sized hose - a handsome man, in a word. The husband is about to take off in order to violate intimacy, but then the wife begins to undress.
Well... Breasts are like plastic bags, sagging, progressive cellulite, folds on the sides - not comme il faut, in short. The husband puts the binoculars aside, grabs his head and says with unbearable bitterness:
– How awkward it is in front of Vitalik...
Two friends meet. One boasts:
- I’m about to get married...
– Congratulations... And on whom, if it’s not a secret?
- Yes, you know her. Tatiana from Melitopol.
- Are you out of your mind? This is the last woman! The whole Melitopol slept with her! Stop even thinking about marriage!
Six months later they meet again.
- How are you doing?
- Yes, I got married.
-Who is this on?
- Yes, on Tatyana from Melitopol.
- How could you! I warned you! The whole Melitopol slept with her!
- Yes, I went to this Melitopol. So... a small town in general...
The Russian people have created a huge number of jokes about treason. Some of them are presented in this article. There are much more jokes about a husband’s betrayal. Why is this so? The answer to this question remains open. However, there are several hundred or even thousands of anecdotes about Perhaps, let's start with one of these samples.
Horny husband
A man complains to a friend: “Can you imagine, yesterday I found my wife with some Frenchman!” A friend asks: “Well, and you, of course, told him a couple kind words?" And he answers his comrade: "No, I didn’t tell him anything. I studied English at school."
Almost all jokes about cheating are funny and interesting. The next one will be from the same series - about the infidelity of wives.
My husband is returning home from work. He approaches the door. Suddenly a naked man with his wife’s fur coat jumps out to meet him. The husband asks: “Who are you?” He answers him: “I am a moth.” The husband asks the question: “Why are you holding the fur coat?” The man says: “I’ll finish it on the way.”
Domestic issues
A husband says to his friend over a bottle of beer: “I suspect my wife of infidelity.” A friend asks: “What evidence do you have of this?” The unhappy husband says: “Well, you see, we’ve already changed apartments twice, but the plumber remains the same.”
The next joke about betrayal also begins traditionally for such cases. So.
The husband returns from work, and the wife has a lover who did not have time to hide or leave before her husband arrived. And so, a smart wife opens the door and hands her husband, who came home from work, a trash can: “Oh, dear, I’m so tired during the day, I’m completely exhausted. Please throw out the trash!” Well, at this time the lover, naturally, slipped out of the apartment. He walks down the street and thinks: “What an ignorant husband my Marusya is. Just some kind of fool!” The door opens and his wife comes towards him with a trash can: “Vasya, please throw out the trash. I’m so tired during the day.” The husband goes down the stairs and thinks: “What a fool my wife is! She sits at home all day, but can’t take out the trash!”
Mutual assistance
Two friends are walking down the street. They see two women coming towards them. One of them says: “Oh, look, my wife and my mistress are coming. Help, I don’t know what to do!” His friend calms him down: “Yes, you, Kolya, don’t worry! This is my wife and my mistress.”
A man begs the midwife in the maternity hospital to let him see the child who has just been born to him. The employee of the institution reassures him: “Yes, you are a man. Let’s send the woman in labor home, then you can have a good chat with the child.” The man says: “No, her husband won’t let me go home with them.”
Nakarkala!
Now a few jokes about betrayal, but this time by a man.
The wife says to her husband: “Here, you Vasya, you say that you are going to work, but you will show up drunk at four o’clock in the morning, covered in lipstick, and you will smell of perfume.” The husband objects to his wife. But the wife does not calm down.
This continues until he leaves for work. My wife can’t find a place for herself all day, she walks from corner to corner of the apartment, crying. And indeed, her assumptions came true. It's twelve at night - my husband is not at home. One o'clock in the morning - the husband is still missing. The same thing happens over the next two hours. Just in the morning the doorbell rings. The wife opens it and sees her betrothed, squatting in the entrance. The husband is in a fairly tipsy state and smells of perfume. His entire face is smeared with lipstick. The husband says: “Well, I scribbled!”
Marriage announcements
Here is another anecdote, which, however, stands somewhat apart from others like it. It’s not exactly about betrayal, but still about family relationships.
A man complains to his friend: “Can you imagine, I’ve been wanting to find myself a wife for several months now. I even started studying advertisements on the Internet, but still nothing works. I put an ad in the newspaper saying that I was looking for a wife. But, mostly only people call men who offer me to take their wives." The friend answers him: “That’s right, Vasya! Why do you need to take someone’s wives? Better take my Masha. You’ve known her for a long time. She’s good.”
High relationship
Two boxer friends, one of whom competes in the heavyweight division and the other in the lightweight division, are talking. The heavyweight says: “I was returning home one day, and my wife was receiving her lover. But I hit him with a left hand, a right hand, in the liver, in the head and knocked him out.” And the lightweight answers him: “I also had a similar case. I found my lover with my wife. Well, I left him, right, in the head, in the liver.” The heavyweight says: “So what? Did you put it down?” His friend answers him: “No, he didn’t knock him out. But he won on points.”
Two comrades are talking. “I’ve known you for half my life, and you’ve never smoked. Since when did you start?” asks one. “Ever since my wife returned from the sanatorium and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray,” he answers.
My husband went on a business trip. The wife comes home long after midnight. She is wearing a new dress and jewelry. The daughter exclaims: “How beautiful! Did I give it to you?” The mother replies: “If I always relied only on your dad, then you wouldn’t exist.”
***
If you love, can you forgive betrayal?
***
If you cheat, do you have to confess, or deny everything to the last minute???
***
In order for a man not to cheat, he must leave the house with a full stomach and empty balls. What about a woman?
***
My wife came home in the morning. Clearly tipsy. Stockings inside out. The bra is sticking out of the purse. On the threshold, having not slept all night, is the husband.
-Where were you?
***
Betrayal to yourself so as not to cheat on another is still treason. And this is the HIGHEST TREASON!!!
***
I don’t have a lover and never will, I don’t like plagiarism! I prefer to create everything myself... My own is always exclusive!
***
And why did she annoy me so much? invited, excited, said no!, and this lasted for a day!
***
Real betrayal: When this bastard drank my beer too.
***
Men cheat like thieves, but their loved ones cheat only out of resentment)))))))
***
Deer are certainly cute creatures, but they don’t like to part with their antlers, and I’m a pathologically loyal girl, so how can I help him?!
***
Are you cheating on your wife and me with THIS?)))
***
***
To permanently discourage your husband from wandering to the left, you just need to give him a good one once... and precisely in the left ball!
***
Strangely enough, what prevented her from cheating on her husband was not the invisible and reproachful image of her husband, but the image of a respectable father, a strict, conscientious and family-oriented man...
***
There are no faithful or unfaithful husbands. Husbands are divided into 2 categories: some cheat on their wives secretly, others openly.
***
I am indifferent to cheating, I never cheat on myself...
***
...I would kill you... when they drink MY coffee from MY cup... so: I DO NOT ADVICE...)))
***
Is it considered treason if I’ve been “fucking” my “penny” for 20 years, but sometimes I go to repair my neighbor’s “Skoda”?)))
***
No matter how beautiful a woman is, there is always a man next to her who is terribly tired of having sex with her.
***
- If he cheats on you, will you forgive him?
- Of course, you can’t hold a grudge against the dead :)))
***
THERE IS ONLY A PART OF THE DAMN IN A WOMAN, BECAUSE HIS HORNS USUALLY GET TO A MAN!
***
Cheating is a bold step towards a new life)))
***
You live your life. I live mine. And with what remains, we live together.
***
My wife is a treasure, but I borrowed money from a neighbor.
***
The most idiotic statement that I have heard repeatedly from male friends: - Blowjob is not cheating! Well, not handsome guys! Yeah, fucking oath of allegiance...
***
... someone else's wife is always better than her own.
***
Forgave. Returned it. Persuaded. Now with me, but... stopped loving...
***
I don’t cheat on my lover even with my own husband...
***
In order for your wife and Motherland to sleep peacefully, you need to change away from them!
***
You won’t be satisfied with one love... you need to think about another.
***
He hangs noodles over her ears, hangs them... And she wraps this noodles around his horns, winds them up...
***
Don’t burst into your wife’s room shouting, “I know everything!” Or she’ll ask you what year the Battle of Trafalgar took place.
***
With the receipt of a hunting license and the purchase of a gun, the wives' fidelity increases sharply.
***
Dear girls, if YOU are dating married men, then you don’t need to call HIS wife and tell him about your love! IT'S DISGUSTING!!
***
How crap it is when you read a guy’s messages on your phone and find a text message from her... “Hello bunny. Doesn’t your fool know anything about us yet?”:(
***
Number of men's and female infidelities always the same)))
***
-What does a man feel when his wife cheats on him?
- Rogasm.
***
When a woman loves, she admits to cheating because she wants to be honest. And a man will never forgive, because he also loves...
***
Madam, your husband is cheating on me again!
***
I install horns with subsequent warranty service...
***
Men hang out not because they are strays and bastards, but because ALL WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL
***
- Doctor, my husband contracted gonorrhea. What to do? What to do?
- Why didn’t he come himself?
- He doesn’t know anything about this yet.
***
And thicker horns will suit you...
***
They change not because the other one is better, but because the other one is different.
***
An autopsy will show what place I occupy in your heart at the time of betrayal...)
***
If your wife left you for a neighbor, do not despair: now you are a neighbor!
***
A LOSER IS THE ONE WHOSE WIFE AND LIST HAVE THE SAME MONTHLY CYCLE...))
***
Cheating has no taste. don't try it.
***
The best way out love triangle- this is to go in all four directions.
***
There is no woman who, at least in a dream, has not cheated on her husband.
***
Oh, I’m tired of proving that I didn’t cheat on him... but he stubbornly refused to believe me.
***
You can work up your appetite on the side, but you need to eat at home.
***
Before you cry into your girlfriend's vest, smell it to see if it smells like your boyfriend's perfume... :-)
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Darling, but with a condom, it’s not considered cheating. - Yeah, but with a silencer, it’s not murder. . .
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If your husband ran away with you best friend, you will miss her greatly.
***
Infidelity is when you have nothing to say to your husband, because everything has already been said to someone else.
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If your husband cheated on you, before you leave him, give him a laxative mixed with Viagra... Let this male shit himself with happiness on your rival!;)) © zulnora
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Treason is the replacement of unattained happiness with... invented...
***
Alas, horns are available to everyone these days!
And in the spring, there’s generally a sale at a discount!!!
***
Yes, it doesn’t happen that a man cheats just once... That’s what... that he got caught just once... that’s what happens!
***
What a naive one! He asked if I could forgive betrayal... yes, I can forgive anything to a dead person!!!
***
Wife: - Honey, where were you all night? Husband: - Fishing. - Did you catch anything? Husband (shuddering): - I hope not!
***
Baran left for the night shift. The sheep started treason. I came to the restaurant with the Goat, and the Ram was sitting there with the Goat. To whom love is not dear, the moral is simple - wear horns!
Funny statuses about cheating
Cheating on a husband or wife always remains hot topic V marital relations, and it is not surprising that jokes about lovers and mistresses are very popular among the people.
Funny jokes about lovers
***
- Imagine, I’m coming home, and my wife with lover. And both eyes are cunning, cunning. - Well, I’m not undressing to the refrigerator. I open it - EXACTLY!!! YOU DRINKED MY BEER!!!
***
One beauty went to the south to take a break from her husband and there she met a Caucasian man. In short, love. It's time to leave. Her lover says to her: “Wait, I’ll call you.” She arrived home, and a week later there was a telegram: “Auntie has died. Come urgently." My husband will not go anywhere, I won’t let you go alone, you will go with your mother-in-law. I sent a telegram: “I’m leaving with my mother-in-law.” They arrived and were greeted by two Mercedes, our lady in one, our mother-in-law in the other. A week later they are brought to the train, the women sit in the compartment. Then the lady says: “Mom, what are we going to say at home?” Mother-in-law: - I don’t know what you say, but I’ll go for 9 days or 40 days
***
Woman with her lover in bed. The sound of a door opening. - This is the husband! Quickly jump out the window! - ??? But we are on the thirteenth floor! - To hell with superstitions, jump!
***
As the lover came, everyone saw it... And when the thieves broke into the house, everyone slept!!!
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In bed, the wife to her lover after talking on the phone: - My husband called. He said that he would be late because he was playing billiards with you...
Crazy jokes about mistresses
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I recorded my mistress in my mobile phone under the name “Mistress”. The wife appreciated the joke, laughed, and didn’t ask any more questions. It's good when a person has a sense of humor!
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True male fidelity is when you are married for the third time, but your mistress is still the same.
***
The wife says to her husband:
- Dear, I looked at your mistress and decided this is not treason, this is a feat!
***
A husband brought his wife to a banquet with his colleagues for the first time.
The wife asks:
- Who is that woman in the red dress?
The husband answers:
- The boss's mistress.
- And the plump brunette?
- Mistress of the chief accountant.
— And in a yellow flowered dress?
- The mistress of the head of the department.
- And this slender blonde?
The husband forgot himself, went into a rage and said:
- And this is my mistress!
Wife proudly:
- Ours is the best!!!
***
Marina calls her friend in tears:
– Svetik, can you imagine, I came home early today, and my husband is having fun with some girl in the bedroom!
- And where are you now?
- Yes, at home, I’m sitting in the kitchen, waiting for them to leave the bedroom.
Sveta interrupts the connection and whispers:
- Kick... Your wife called.
***
I read that according to statistics, half of the relationships involve infidelity.
I sit here and think painfully: who is unfaithful to me - my wife or my mistress?
Jokes about cheating husband
***
- Honey, I cheated on you, but it was the first and last time, I swear!
- Well, what can I say... The score is 15: 1 in my favor.
***
The wife says to her husband:
- Dear, I read your horoscope for tomorrow and it says that you will have adultery with a gorgeous blonde.
- Listen, is there an address or telephone number by any chance?
Jokes about your wife cheating
The husband found his wife in bed with her lover, immediately turned around and hit her lover. Wife from bed: - That's right! He doesn’t live here, but visits us. The lover turned around and gave his husband a slap in response. Wife: - That's right! He himself cannot and does not give to others.
***
- Honey, I cheated on you...
- Oh, you're a creature! I knew, that’s why I cheated on you with Seryoga, Dima and Roma!
- ...a screensaver on your desktop.
***
An officer finds his wife in bed with her lover, his colleague. He takes out a gun and forces his lover to follow him into the kitchen. - Let’s do this, I’ll shoot twice in the air, we’ll both fall. Whoever the wife runs to first is the one she will stay with! Two shots are heard, and then the wife screams from the bedroom: “Andrey, come out of the closet, these idiots shot each other!”
***
The husband returns home, and the wife has a lover. The wife says to her lover: “Climb quickly onto the table and pretend that you are screwing in a light bulb.” The husband enters and sees his lover: - Who is this? - This is an electrician from a housing office. - Why is he naked? - Well, which one they sent. - Why does he have it? - Honey, it’s under tension.
1. A man leaves his mistress. While getting dressed, he notices a hickey on his neck in the mirror. He thinks - what to do? Having come up with nothing, he goes home. He arrives, and his dog joyfully rushes at him. Then a saving thought occurs to the man. He begins to fight with the dog, tears his suit and in this form goes to his wife’s room.
- Our beast has gone completely wild! - he says to his wife, - Look how he bit me on the neck.
- And do not say! - the wife answers, unbuttoning her blouse, “He bit my whole breast too.”
2. Old friends and lovers, who were a little tired of each other, met:
Man:
-Are you sad?
Woman:
- You must remember that I am sad either because of a long absence of sex, or because of a lack of money!
Man:
-What are we going to unfasten first? Wallet or fly?
3. One official had a bad free time and he calls his mistress:
- Katya, get ready, I’ll be there in an hour.
He drives up to the house, releases the driver and warns him to arrive in two hours. He enters the entrance, but the elevator does not work. And Katya lives on the seventeenth floor. He flew to the fifth floor on the wings of love. On the ninth, wet, he wiped the sweat from his forehead and drank Validol. On the fifteenth I sat down on the steps and thought: “Lord, I wish she wasn’t at home!”
4. He and she are in bed.
She:
- Who do you think will be born to us - a boy or a girl?
He:
- Who does your husband want more?
5. Wife (joyfully):
- Hooray! Husband came!
Husband (scared):
- Damn! At least sometimes think about what you are saying! I almost jumped out the window!
6. Manya, do you smoke?! Since when?
- Since then memorable day when my husband returned a day early from a business trip and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray...
7. Mistress:
- Maybe some tea... stronger... the same one?
Locksmith:
- Thank you! I won’t refuse some tea... And something stronger is also possible... And I’ve never refused that very thing!
The funniest jokes about cheating
8. Two women, having seen their husbands off on a long trip, decide that they should relax and invite the men.
“But we need a lot, 16 people to invite,” says the first one.
– ???
- Well then. For 16 men – 8 are drunks and 4 are impotent.
- That leaves 4.
- What if we want a second time?
9. The husband, returning home, finds his wife in bed with her lover. He looks at his lover thoughtfully and says:
- Well, I'm the husband. Why do you need this???
10. Two friends are talking:
- What a great fellow your husband is - he bought you such an expensive and beautiful fur coat.
– He had no choice: I found him kissing the maid
- Horrible! I hope you kicked her out?
- No. I need a few more expensive things...
11. Dad is on a business trip. Mom stays late after work, comes late,
new clothes.
- Which Nice dress! What earrings! - the children admire. -Did you buy it?
“Dad, dad,” mom admires herself in the mirror. - I can rely on dad - and you too
did not have.
12. Maxim, look what they write about us: “Pugacheva kicked Galkin out of the house”, “Galkin cheated on Pugacheva”... - Allochka, don’t worry! But they will never write that I ruined your youth!
13. – Sarah! What should I do? I cheated on my husband on this sofa. Maybe I should sell it?
- What are you, fool! If I sold everything, I would only have one lampshade cord left.
14. Family on safari. son:
- Dad, what are those animals doing there?
- Uh... They're hot, that's why they rub against each other...
- Strange. When mom rubbed shoulders with her neighbor like that, it was winter...
15. A man complains to a friend: “Can you imagine, yesterday I found my wife with some Frenchman!” A friend asks: “Well, and you, of course, said a few kind words to him?” And he answers his comrade: “No, I didn’t tell him anything. I studied English at school.”
