Why your personal life is not working out: reasons, awareness, desire to work on relationships and advice from family psychologists. Why is your personal life not working out?

Hello. I want to disappear, I just want to cease to exist. I don’t like my life, it didn’t turn out the way I wanted, or rather, it didn’t work out at all. I cry and pray to God to take her from me. I don’t know how or why, but for some time my life has been falling apart. After school, I went to college, completed 3 courses and dropped out. I chose my specialty completely unconsciously, not because I wanted to work in it. The work book is simply terrible; when you come to get a job, they tell you to your face that no normal employer will hire you. Because I sat at home for several years, and where I worked, it was not for long, not more than a year, in one place for a week. Now I regret it, but you can’t rewrite the book. I applied to study twice, at 23 and at 26 for full-time college, but both times I took away the documents because I was ashamed to study full-time, especially in college. I liked both specialties, but now the train has already left. I’ve been in a relationship with a man I don’t love for 8 years now, and I can’t get out of it, it’s difficult because I’m used to it, when I want to break up I start crying, but I can’t get married either. I also have social phobia, I am very quiet and silent. When communicating with people, even with relatives, symptoms appear: I sweat and have tachycardia, I get nervous, even when I talk to my mother. I suffer from tension headaches if I communicate a lot or am in a crowd of people, for example, in a clinic. Then only pills help. If my head hurts, I become irritable and can’t concentrate on anything. There is some kind of fear in front of people, I’m afraid to look into the eyes, I look, but at the same time I squeeze and sweat. Comfortable only when alone. Now I’m going to go to a dirty production facility with night shifts, because I don’t know where else, but they’re calling me there. And this makes me sad, because life didn’t work out. I don’t understand what went wrong, until the 9th grade I was a good girl, I graduated without C grades, studying was always hard, but I sat for 7 hours a day and studied homework, and then everything went downhill, I became interested in heavy music, I started drink, but only to avoid panic attacks, even at prom and last call I got drunk so my legs wouldn't shake. I’m ashamed when they ask how I’m doing, I have nothing to answer, I closed myself off from everyone. God doesn’t help me, after confession it doesn’t make me feel better, it’s only harder, it’s like he doesn’t hear me, or he’s not there at all, I don’t feel him at all.
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Sadness, age: 26 / 09/02/2016

Responses:

Hello, honey. Regarding studies, when I studied in the evening department, there were 2 people who were over 40 years old studying with us on the course, and this aroused only respect, and there were plenty of those who were about 30. Since some receive two to three educations, we are ready for this to study even after 40 years, some give birth to children when they are young, others have to work from a young age, everyone has different circumstances, that’s why everyone studies when they want and when they can. And at 26, you don’t have to worry about this, you just have a desire to learn. As for my work book, by the time I was 34, half of my book had been filled out and maximum term she's been there for 1.5 years. Since I tried different jobs and had a job where, according to the certificate of a private entrepreneur, I worked (and this is not indicated in the employment contract), in another job under a contract (also not indicated in the employment contract), of course I have documents confirming these works, as well There was a period when I worked for a relative without registration, which is why it is also not indicated in the labor report. In the end, you can simply say that your man didn’t want you to work and that’s why for some period you did housework and helped with his work. Many women live like this, and even now is a time when everyone decides for themselves when and how much to work. Therefore, this issue is not worth any special worries. Regarding your fear of people, tachycardia, sweating, although it may seem strange to you now, I advise you to start doing exercises aimed at stretching (relaxing) your muscles. This way you will relax your muscle tone, which is increased due to stress, and you will see for yourself how, over time, tachycardia and sweating will go away or at least decrease, and you will cry less and communicate with people will be much easier. I experienced the effect of this myself when, after many years of stress, physical state it became terrible, with the same tachycardia, sweating and other symptoms of prolonged stress, and such relaxation exercises helped me a lot. To begin with, you can just do regular light exercises in the morning. Nutrition also greatly affects both your emotional and physical state, so I recommend eating wholesome and healthy foods. Go for walks more often fresh air and try to get enough sleep. In a word, lead healthy image life, you will see how your condition will change over time, and then life will automatically change. Also, find a hobby you like and try to look positively at the future, because life can improve every day if you do something for it, the main thing is to act and everything will work out for you. You're only 26 years old, we can say it's just the beginning adult life and you will have many interesting and good events ahead if you make a little effort. All the best to you!

Olga, age: 34 / 09/02/2016

Hello.
How can I understand you? But you know, the main thing is that there is a way out. Even if it is a “dirty production”. This is really a way out.
They didn’t invite me anywhere at all, and where I went there were only refusals. And in a large city. I also went with panic attacks, I understand how it feels. I found a job as a cleaner. At my age. But I tell myself that this is not forever, that's all. There is always the opportunity to rebuild your life, for example, to go to college by correspondence. There is nothing shameful in this; some people study even after 30. Life doesn't end there. Or maybe other opportunities will appear later.
The main thing is not to stop trying, even if it’s hard. I am sure that if you survive this, your life will change. After all, it's like a test.
I wish you success.

Marina, age: 23 / 09/02/2016

Hello! It's never too late to learn, so your complexes are unnecessary. The main thing is to finally understand what profession you still like, and study calmly. It’s better, of course, to work in absentia. Modesty and shyness are not bad qualities, but they should not interfere with your life. As for the relationship with the unloved, it’s time to make a decision, because time passes, youth passes, you probably need to allow both the guy and yourself to arrange your personal life. More determination, honey! And everything will be fine with you.

Irina, age: 28 / 09/02/2016

Sad thing, what’s shameful about studying full-time at 26 years old? People at 30 and 35 study full-time at colleges and institutes, and nothing, everything is fine with them. You don’t have to look far for examples, just search for “study at 30” and look at people’s answers. I myself am planning to go to college, full-time or evening, and I’m 32. I don’t think about whether it’s embarrassing or not. More precisely, I’m not ashamed, and I don’t care what they think of me. If anyone appears, it is because they are of a small mind; you should not pay attention to such people. I know what I want, I set a goal for myself and am going towards it. There is no need to be afraid of anything. The second thing that went wrong for you is that you dropped out of school. Just one, but I still had to push myself and finish it. But don’t be sad, everything can be fixed, you are only 26, feel free to enroll in any educational institution, in any form - full-time, part-time, evening. When the train has left, remember that there are still planes;) If you have panic attacks, you should consult a psychotherapist. And you can embellish your resume a little, write or say that you haven’t been sitting at home for a while. years, but worked without official employment status, for example, as a salesperson for a private owner. Or she went to another city to work, come up with something like that. In the end, you can tell the employer that you have realized everything and want to change, ask to give you a chance, to hire you at least for a trial period, in general, don’t give up, employers are people too, in one place they refused you, in another they will take you.

Tanya, age: 32 / 09/02/2016

Hello! everything you described is very similar to the standard problem of many women. You're not the only one who has skeletons in your closet, many people have Social Phobia, so it's almost within the realm of normal. Depending on the circumstances, go to the doctor, it is very important to talk everything out and share your experiences with someone, listen to the doctor’s recommendations, they will definitely be beneficial. Understand yourself, don’t act in anger, it’s better to let go of the situation and time will clear everything up. It’s very good that you have a job, you are independent! Good luck in everything.

Lena, age: 18 / 09/03/2016

If you cannot build a long-term relationship. You have separated from your beloved, dear, and dear person, and again you find yourself alone and hopeless... First of all, understand that this is not the end of the world, sooner or later music will start playing on your street! However, such things do not happen by chance. Therefore, if your personal life is not working out, you need to pull yourself together and try to look at yourself from the outside to see the reasons that led to such circumstances.

Perhaps, without realizing it, you are afraid of close relationships. On the one hand, you want love, but on the other hand, it’s very scary to let someone into your world. Such conflicting feelings can arise for various reasons. Maybe you are used to hiding from everyone behind a high wall and don’t want anyone to see your true self. Or is it a reluctance to take responsibility? Or you have before your eyes the unsuccessful experience of parents. If there is fear, you need to understand its reasons, because as long as fear lives in the soul, there is no place for love.

Other possible reason– You don’t value yourself enough and subconsciously believe that you are unworthy of a happy relationship. You reject worthy candidates and try to build a relationship with someone with whom this obviously will not work. The reasons for this behavior must be sought in childhood.

It is also possible that you place excessive demands on your partner. This is especially true for young girls. In general, the presence of requirements for a partner is understandable and correct. But maybe there are too many of them? Think about it, if your partner made similar demands on you - how adequate would they be?

It is very important to understand the reasons and understand why your personal life is not working out - this will open the way to happy relationship. If you can’t do this on your own, you can contact a psychologist who can look at your situation from the outside.

Well, while you are alone, try to find some advantages in solitude. After all, it is in this state that you can best understand your life goals in yourself. Some experts even sometimes recommend living alone for at least a year. As observations show, those who have learned to be happy alone with themselves have fewer problems in family life.

And now some advice for those who are still looking for their soul mate.

Don't be afraid to approach someone you like. Don’t justify your timidity by saying that you don’t want to bother the person - you’re wrong. Keep in mind that loneliness is a fairly common phenomenon, and the person you are interested in may be lonely, just like you, and communication with you will bring him no less joy than you.

Don't isolate yourself. The most popular substitutes for communication and intimacy are TV and the Internet. But they provide only temporary relief from personal problems. Don't abuse these "time wasters" and you will have free time in order to find new friends.

Develop self-confidence. Now, when you are alone and feel uncomfortable, she especially needs support. The easiest way to increase self-esteem is to improve your appearance. Trite advice, but it works. New wardrobe, hairstyle, makeup, accessories make you feel much better. Also engage in self-development. It can be any interesting and useful activities– courses, new books, hobbies. This way you will be distracted from obsessive thoughts and will feel a taste for life.

Hello!
- Hello! How are you? - a routine question. Standard answer:
- Fine.
There are no emotions on his face, a frozen, equally calm, seemingly indifferent expression. I recently experienced another breakup with my girlfriend, but it seems that it didn’t upset him, even as if he was relieved. For some reason, the guy’s personal life is not going well... But it seems that this worries his loved ones more than himself. What prevents him from creating a long-term relationship? Why did he decide that loneliness is The best way his life? Let's try to figure it out.

Why is your personal life not working out? Odd man

Maxim is 26 years old. Nature generously endowed him with abilities: the skin, sound and olfactory vectors are most clearly manifested; anal and visual are less pronounced. But given does not mean guaranteed. There is no proper development - there is no worthy realization of great potential, although it was noticeable from childhood.

Lives with parents. He doesn’t get along well in a team, gets tired from constant work, starts to get sick, so he works sporadically, in free flight. It is important for him, like no one else, to understand his own characteristics, but he does not want to. Closed, does not even leave a gap for participation.

At first, like all young people, especially those with skin, prone to change, he tried - brought him to different girls. Then, apparently, there was a need for more long term relationship. Twice already the girls moved into his room and lived for a long time. But what kind of life was this?

First of all, already having some experience communicating with women, Maxim immediately told them that he was not going to start a family, that for him it was just a relationship. For some reason, this didn’t scare the girls away. Maybe it was anal-visual sacrificial kindness or skin masochism instilled by suppressive parents. It was different in each case.

After a short period of time, he began to clearly feel burdened by the presence of a stranger in the room and openly declare: “You should go to work!” He was quite happy with the girl working until the night. He clearly demonstrated a desire to get rid of the presence of his girlfriend in his room, although he was not against communication in general. However, it was already difficult for the girl to leave. A woman becomes attached, wants a family, hopes that everything will change for the better. After all, he is smart, charming, just a little strange.

Why is your personal life not working out? Personal characteristics

Strangeness, detachment, closedness, isolation gives Maxim an unfulfilled sound vector and his unconscious desires. He's a computer ace, but that's not his biggest passion. He reads, his favorite writer is Murakami. Only a person with a sound vector is able to re-read all his dark works filled with strange ideas. This is how his desire to understand the world and himself manifests itself. But that's all.

An unfilled sound vector tends to go inside, to close, and manifests itself in painful sensitivity to sounds. Moreover, the visual environment - parents, relatives - are very contrasting in their desires and lifestyle. There are constant emotions, communication, holidays around him. He feels that he is not like that, and this makes him close himself even more.

Why is your personal life not working out?

Empathetic visual parents, trying to understand their son, say that Maxim has a special form of autism. This is wrong. Autism develops in childhood as a result of an unfavorable sound environment, most often before 3 years of age. The child loses contact with the outside world and is afraid to go outside. Maxim is capable of contact, but his sound is really empty and under pressure. It needs special conditions to fill the sound.

Marina Golomolzina

When we are hungry, we head to the kitchen and cook something. As a last resort, we go to a cafe, store or on a visit, that is, we solve this problem. We don’t sit on the sofa, don’t cry, don’t ask everyone in a row: “Why isn’t life working out?”, don’t fall into and apathy. Obviously, if, feeling hungry, we go for a walk or go to bed, then we will not solve the problem, but will only aggravate it. Therefore, if your life is not going at all the way you want, it means that you are doing something wrong. You want one thing, but do another, hoping for results. That is, as in the example - go to bed hungry in the hope that you will wake up full.

Usually such a discrepancy between “desire and action” is clearly visible from the outside, in other people, and is very poorly noticeable in one’s own life. own life. But in order to change your life, you need to learn to analyze your desires, actions and their relationship. I will give as an example the most common discrepancies between desired and actual, which I observed in my life and the lives of people I know; perhaps you will recognize yourself here.

Desires - actions:

1. People want to start a family, but they disappear all the time at work. This is about my friend. She is already about 30 years old, she dreams of a family, children and spends time working two jobs. Works at a frantic pace from 8 am to 8 pm, closed on Sundays. But in the evenings she only has enough strength to crawl home and lie down on the sofa, half dead. When I asked why she was exhausting herself so much, she replied that she needed to provide for herself, you never know what would happen - but there was no money. Not only does she have neither the energy nor the time for a relationship, but she also has a negative program that something bad could happen in her life. At the same time, she suffers greatly that she is still alone. Do you think she will start a family soon?
2. People want to earn good money and work for the minimum wage. This is about my godmother. She dreams of visiting abroad, going to yoga and visiting beauty salons, and has enough money for food and rent. All my suggestions about how she can make money are rejected by rational, in her opinion, arguments why she won’t be able to do it, although the only obstacle is a lack of self-confidence. At the same time, she suffers greatly due to the fact that she cannot afford everything she wants and sincerely does not understand why life does not work out.
3. Girls want a serious relationship, but they go to bed with a guy at the very beginning of the relationship. This is about my former colleague. She was already so tired of short-term relationships, the constant change of partners, their promises to call and her endless expectations. She wants real, lasting, Serious relationships, but continues to behave with the opposite sex as before. That is, she jumps into bed with the guy she likes on one of the first dates. This is her way to interest a man and tie him to her. But if this line of behavior doesn’t work, maybe it’s worth changing it?
4. People dream of one profession, but go to study for another. It's about me. From my youth I knew that I wanted to become a psychologist. But after listening to numerous advice from my relatives that this is not serious at all and you won’t be able to support yourself with this, I went to study to become a builder. As a result, 5 years of study at a faculty that was completely uninteresting to me and 3 years of work I hated. Then I finally took my life into my hands, retrained as a psychologist and now I’m doing what I love, but so many people don’t do this! So they work all their lives in the specialty that they either chose themselves, not knowing that they won’t like it, or they followed the recommendations of their parents. And they dream of another profession. How can people be happy if they are not doing what they like?
5. Women want to see next to them strong man, and they themselves do everything for him and instead of him. This is about my mom. She always dreamed of being a weak and fragile woman, of feeling a strong man's shoulder next to her. Maybe this would have happened, but she took the reins of the family into her own hands and made all the decisions herself, without letting her husband even get a word in. At the same time, she suffered greatly that she was next to her. Unfortunately, this led to a divorce and now my father is the head of another family, a man you can rely on.

The heroes of the situations I described really do not understand why life does not work out, they do not see the discrepancy between desire and their actions. Therefore, if you, my dear readers, are asking the same question, analyze what you are doing to make your wish come true. Maybe you need to change tactics if the old one does not lead to the expected results?

With love, Yulia Kravchenko

If you have any questions while reading the article, you can ask me. I will be happy to answer you!

Very often, what should saturate life makes a person disappointed. Of course, we are talking about personal life. This is a basic human need, without which he practically cannot exist. Why isn't your personal life working out? What are the reasons for this and what can be done to make everything work out? We will try to answer these questions in this article.

Reasons why your personal life may not work out

Each person has his own story and his own destiny, completely different from others. But, one way or another, all the reasons why a person cannot arrange his personal life can be classified:

1. Excessive fixation.
2. Imposed opinion of the public.
3. Bitter experience.
4. Fear of love.
5. Distrust of opposite sex.
6. Selfishness.
7. Excessive demands on a partner.

Try to find your case among these reasons and the answer to the question of why your personal life is not working out will come almost immediately by itself. Of course, each point has its own solution, which should be carefully studied. Once you identify the root of the problem, it will be much easier to solve it.

Excessive obsessiveness

Most often this concerns girls. She wants to start a family at all costs. For her, this is a kind of fixed idea that she thinks about every minute. Every person of the opposite sex is a potential husband for her. But, as luck would have it, after the second or third meeting, the men, as if by magic, disappear from her life. In fact, these are not random coincidences. Every person wants to be loved and happy. This will take some time. Love at first sight is so rare that it is better not to dream about it.

This results in the following situation. Men subconsciously feel that what they want from them is marriage and family. For them, this is not a priority desire and, of course, they run headlong from such a lady.

There are other reasons why a guy does not continue his relationship with a lady:

1. She's trying too hard to please him. Men are predators by nature, and they themselves are accustomed to pursuing women.
2. Talk about marriage and children. In most cases, this scares a man. He likes to communicate with girls, seek her attention, and give her compliments. For a man, some kind of game is mandatory. If she is not there and there is no intrigue, he leaves.
3. Too sincere and open. This may sound banal, but every woman should have a mystery. If she is not there, the man loses interest.

Of course, you can try to control yourself, be cold and reserved. But if a girl is haunted by the idea of ​​how to get married quickly, the man will definitely feel it.

There is a solution. Stop tormenting yourself with the question of why your personal life is not working out and looking for a husband or someone else. Learn to live for yourself. Feel this incredible taste of freedom, and then a man will probably want to catch you in his net.

Public opinion

Quite often, people wonder why their personal life is not working out, but at the same time they themselves do not know for sure whether this is actually so. How do you understand that there are really problems in this area of ​​life? Public opinion plays an important role in this matter. A girl or man over 25 years old is increasingly asked questions about his personal life. "Why are you still single?" These words cut like a dagger into the heart. Based on constant questions, a whole bag of complexes arises, which can be expressed in the following statements:

• there is something wrong with me;
• I am too critical of the opposite sex;
• I will always remain lonely;
• I'm unhappy because I'm completely alone.

Moreover, those around you are constantly trying to give advice and guide you on the right path. All this absolutely does not help a person create a family, but on the contrary causes stiffness, negative emotions, a feeling of hopelessness and, as a result, depression.

For this reason, it is worth discarding public opinion. Maybe your personal life is not working out precisely because it is not you who wants it, but everyone around you? Listen to your inner voice, to small child who sits inside you. What is he talking about?

Bitter experience

Not every relationship can last forever and people break up. But sometimes the breakup is so painful for them that it is impossible to build a new relationship. The human brain creates a certain defense, and it closes itself off from other relationships. At the same time, he understands that his personal life is not working out. What to do?

First of all, you need to let go of past relationships and all the emotions associated with them. It could be:

• Love;
• hatred;
• jealousy;
• anger;
• despair.

Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down all the emotions you feel towards your past partner. Now think about why you are experiencing them. You must let go of every emotion. It doesn't do you any good. If you did everything correctly, the place where all these feelings were should be empty. It is very important to drop hopes, if any. By holding on to them, you will not be able to find new happiness and success.

And of course, you shouldn’t immediately start looking for a new partner. He will appear in your life when you are subconsciously completely ready for it. You should also not look for new relationships in order to forget the old ones. This business is doomed to failure from the start.

Fear of love

Sometimes two completely different feelings fight within a person. On the one hand, he wants to start a family, but on the other, he is afraid. usually associated with the fear of losing freedom, as well as the fact that the partner will bring pain and disappointment. Many people close their hearts from everyone, but at the same time they wonder why their personal life is not working out.

A girl’s fear can be associated both with her own bitter experience and with the stories of acquaintances and friends. But men suffer the most from this problem. They are very afraid of losing their freedom. As soon as the relationship becomes serious, and it’s time to propose, the man flees.

Selfishness interferes with personal life

The fear of losing freedom is nothing more than a manifestation of selfishness. Your inner tyrannical self will always stand in your way. And an affair with yourself will bring nothing but disappointment and fatigue.

If you are afraid of relationships, then perhaps you are not ready for one yet? Or maybe you just don't love your partner? When people are madly in love with each other, they want to spend their whole lives together. They simply cannot run away from their partner and leave him in the middle of the road.

Mistrust of the opposite sex

Of course, both representatives of the female half of humanity and the male half have reasons to doubt each other. Why isn't your personal life working out? Women have only insidious and cunning plans, and men are all polygamous males. This public opinion can't help but frighten. But on the other hand, how much happy couples surrounds us. Billions of people are getting married, getting married and being happy with their significant other.

Answer yourself the question, what is most important in a relationship? If you consider marriage then, perhaps you have never been in love. This is a feeling that cannot be replaced by anything. In my head I only think about my loved one, and my heart clenches just at the mention of him. It is for this reason that it is worth experiencing this feeling at least once, even if you get burned for the first time.

Partner requirements

Many of those who have problems in their personal lives are true idealists. They want their partner to be ideal and fit all the parameters. But does this happen? Does it make sense to write a list of qualities of an ideal partner? Yes, perhaps a few people out of 7.5 billion will fit your requirements, but is it likely that you will meet them? Parents often help compile such a list. Mom worries why her son’s personal life is not working out, but at the same time she doesn’t like each of his chosen ones. She sees a lot of shortcomings in them and immediately reports them to her beloved son. But perhaps these will be advantages for him?

Of course, it’s good that a person “doesn’t jump at the first bone,” but being too demanding of the opposite sex is not right. Try not to analyze people from head to toe. Allow them to reveal themselves in a relationship, and then you will see that a lot of advantages can be hidden behind small flaws.

Little tricks

Your personal life will definitely work out if you don’t get hung up on it. Let events in your life take their course. Throw aside books about seducing your partner and horoscopes. Are you tormented by the question of why Aquarius’s personal life doesn’t work out? Did you know that the other 11 zodiac signs experience the same problems? The whole reason lies in the way of thinking of the individual. Try to change the usual course of things in your life.

Change the cafe where you have breakfast or the way to work. But just don’t think about your personal life and the problems in it. Just live and enjoy life. Such people arouse great interest in others and a desire to get to know each other.