The child does not obey his parents. What to do if your child doesn't listen to you

The 3-year-old crisis is an obligatory and very important period in the life of every child. Everyone knows about it, but usually no one is ready for its onset. This stage is usually characterized by parental statements “The 3-year-old child doesn’t listen at all, we don’t know what to do.”

How to recognize? How to help your baby survive this stage? And most importantly, how can parents cope with this phenomenon?

Why does a child not obey at 3 years old?

At this age, children already consider themselves individuals, adults with their own desires and needs. And fathers and mothers continue to treat them like small and unintelligent children, which subsequently leads to misunderstandings, conflicts and hysterics.

ATTENTION! If a child of 3.5 years old does not obey, screams and is capricious, do not worry, such behavior is absolutely normal. Don't rush to contact a specialist.

The 3-year crisis has no time limit; for some it may occur at 2.5 years, while for others it will be “lucky” a year later. Such differences depend on the temperament of the children, the mode of parental education, as well as the degree of trust between the baby and mom/dad.

Is this a crisis? Let’s consider the main signs:

● desire to contradict adults for any reason;
● crying for no reason. In some situations, this reaches the point of absurdity: the baby may refuse his desires, even if he really wants it, but the initiative comes from the parent. For example, a mother and child are playing on the playground, it’s time to go home and eat, which she reports. The child is hungry, but does not want to return to the house, screams and cries, because the mother voiced the proposal to return;
● stubbornness:"I want! myself!”;
● outbursts of jealousy and greed;
● appearance of unjustified aggression, whims and hysteria;
● despotic tendencies. The child does not obey at all and dictates his own rules of behavior to everyone around him;
● happens reassessment of the baby’s “life values”. Today I don’t like the teddy bear anymore, although just yesterday I couldn’t sleep without it.

About the signs of a crisis, which you should pay attention to explained in this video:

A 3.5 year old child does not obey: reasons

So, let's look at why a child does not obey at this age.

● Age-related changes.
The child’s interests are adjusted, he becomes more interested in the world around him, which he wants to independently explore. “Mom says don’t run there, but what will happen if I run? Interesting...” - that’s roughly how a child thinks at this age.
● Psychological tension in the family.
In cases where parents allow themselves some liberties in the form of foul language, raising their hands against their neighbor, do not be surprised why a 3-year-old child does not obey, fights, and generally behaves inappropriately. He grew up in a place where such actions are completely normal.

● Fatigue of the baby physically and emotionally.
Most often this happens in families where they try to give the child as much knowledge as possible and reveal all their talents at an early age.
● Ignoring desires and requests.
Imagine that you are constantly being told and given tasks that must be completed, but no one is interested in your requirements and desires, it’s a shame, right? And doubly so for the child, so he tries to express himself with hysterics and whims.
● Authoritarian parenting style.
Dad/mom commands, and the child obeys and unconditionally follows all instructions. But at some point there comes a period in which a 3-year-old child does not obey, screams, demands to be respected as an individual. Such a revolutionary attitude of the child is a consequence of attacks on his “I”.

What to do

Prepare for the fact that the baby will quickly learn to manipulate you through crying and hysterics; this can happen both at home and in public places. Very often in such situations, parents make concessions, fulfill all the wishes and whims of the baby, if only he would stop crying. If a parent ever does this, from that moment on, as they say, he will be hooked.

What to do if your baby doesn’t listen at 3 years old? Psychologist's advice

● Don't be fooled by provocations. Conduct a conversation with your child patiently and in a calm tone.
● Use your diplomatic skills. In necessary situations, replace the child’s wishes. For example, it’s impossible to buy candy today, but fruit yogurt, and even juice, is quite possible!
● During hysterical preconditions distract the baby for something neutral. In most cases this works.
● When a 3-year-old child does not listen and demands something, give him the right to choose(from at least two options that are convenient for you).
● Encourage your baby for demonstrating independence.
● Don't give up and defend your position.
● Do not force your baby to act directly, it is more effective to do this in a playful way.
● During outbursts of hysteria don’t tell me how bad and ugly it is, such actions will only add fuel to the fire.

In cases where a child at 3 years old does not obey, Komarovsky E.O. advises Parents should ignore the baby's hysterical behavior. The baby tests his parents' strength with his whims and crying. If you remain calm and unshakable, the premiere of the hysteria will be postponed for some time, and over time, it will be completely forgotten by the “chief director”. A video with advice from a famous pediatrician can be viewed here.

Few parents can boast that they have a good child. Most moms and dads are faced with a daredevil who is always getting into some kind of trouble, always up for pranks, and always rebelling. The most paradoxical thing is that such behavior is a reflection of the behavioral reactions of adults. The child observes, absorbs, and imitates you - therefore, your copy grows.

The peak of parental complaints about children's disobedience occurs at the age of 5-7 years (we recommend reading:). A sweet and affectionate baby disappears somewhere by this age, and adults are faced with a devastating catastrophe in the form of a daughter or son. The question naturally arises about what to do if the child does not listen to anyone. The answer from psychologists is always the same: “Engage in raising your baby, starting from 1 year old.”

What is the “age of disobedience”?

Each child is a separate world, developing according to its own laws. No one - neither the mother nor the doctors - can give an exact answer when the baby reaches a turning point and the little angel turns into a little imp. One already performs colorful hysterics at the age of 2, the other has not learned to achieve what he wants even at 4-5 years old. The formation of behavior is accompanied by the yard, family, kindergarten.

Psychologists insist that by the age of 2, the integrity of a child’s personality begins to take shape. Having reached the 3rd birthday, the baby has already acquired his own “I” and continues to improve it, drawing building blocks from his own environment. There comes a moment of crisis for three-year-olds, which parents must not miss, otherwise it will be very difficult to correct what was missed. Carefully monitor the baby during this period, guide and stop in time.

Children aged 6-7 years are well versed in what is “good” and what is “bad”. They know how to be at home and in public, in educational institutions, but parents and teachers are often faced with the publicly displayed disobedience of first-graders. A child does not obey, snaps, is rude, does nasty things deliberately, to spite someone or something - this is exactly what should be taken as a starting point.

Experts talk about a crisis at the age of 7. Why does this happen? When children get to school, they are faced with new rules and requirements. This turn makes them rethink their previous life. In kindergarten, the baby was praised and said that he was already quite an adult, but at school the first-grader heard that he was still small. A sharp metamorphosis of the feeling of oneself in the world explodes the psyche of a small personality. This change is more difficult for those who did not go to kindergarten. At home, the baby did not face a strict schedule of activities and rest; he was surrounded by close people who knew him well. Naturally, when entering an unfamiliar environment with strict rules, the baby resists the circumstances.

How does a “difficult child” grow up?

Dear reader!

This article talks about typical ways to solve your issues, but each case is unique! If you want to know how to solve your particular problem, ask your question. It's fast and free!

When asking yourself the question of why a child does not obey, freaks out and is hysterical, look a little deeper to understand where this came from in him (we recommend reading:). Turn your attention to yourself, because the baby is a great imitator who takes all the information from your words and actions. An analysis of situations that contribute to the transformation of a sweet angel into an uncontrollable whim and darling will help improve understanding. If the child does not obey, it means:

• The family does not use pedagogical principles in his upbringing. For example, the inconsistency of permissive and prohibitive actions of parents. Today mom or dad is in a good mood and adults don’t notice that the baby is watching his favorite cartoons until 11 pm. Tomorrow everything has changed, dad is upset or worried about something, the baby is sent to bed at 9 pm.
• The principles of raising mothers and fathers are radically different. Hence it turns out that the child does not obey. If mom allows you to sit longer in front of the TV, and dad shouts that it’s time to go to bed, the baby finds himself in a situation where there are no clear standards of behavior. The child does not know who to listen to, seeing disunity in the demands of adults.
• Close people are lenient towards the hysterics and whims of the “small”. Remember - the child does not obey you because you indulge his disobedience. Children tend to behave at the level of instincts and reflexes. Understanding that you can quickly achieve what you want by screaming, crying, or hysteria, the baby will reinforce this behavior. As soon as you stop paying attention to his violent attacks, the home “tyrant” will gradually stop hysterical and yelling.

Let us note an important observation: children never act up in front of the TV, playing with their favorite doll or car, or in front of strangers. The little tyrant knows perfectly well who his “concerts” affect and who doesn’t care about them. If a child at 2 years old does not listen and throws tantrums, the situation can still be corrected. Time has passed, but a 5-year-old child does not obey - you will have to live with his whims for a long time, which will wear out the nerves of both you and your offspring.

The child knows very well in front of which of his relatives it makes sense to throw tantrums

How to stop children's tantrums?

Considering that it is unbearably difficult to make a capricious and hysterical child obey, many give up. A common mistake, but a simple pedagogical technique has long been developed. Of course, in order to make any sense, you will have to work hard, but you want your naughty child to turn into an obedient and well-mannered person. Please note - the sooner you try this technique, the faster you will achieve a positive result.

What do parents usually do? Seeing that the baby is hysterical or choking on tears, the mother is ready to fulfill any of his demands. Mothers, as a rule, try to reassure the baby, promising even more than what their son or daughter asks, just so that their treasure does not hit its ugly head on the floor (we recommend reading:). An old familiar scheme, but does it work? The child calms down only for a while, until the next desire.

A new pedagogical technique will help you remove unwanted actions. If you see that the child does not obey, intentionally yells and cries - smile and leave the room, but remain in sight so that he understands that you see and hear everything. If you notice the cessation of hysteria, come back and smile at him again. If the child does not obey and starts yelling and crying again, repeat the maneuver and leave the room. Calm down - come back, hug, kiss.

How to recognize real and imaginary grief?

Apply the new pattern to crying and screaming associated with his whims. The baby may cry, frightened by the dog or from pain, or fall into grief from a broken toy if other children have offended him. This behavior is absolutely appropriate. Here you really need to feel sorry for the baby at the moment when the baby is upset. As for “feigned” emotions, using the method described above, you will gradually ensure that your treasure forgets about his “quirks.”

Dr. Komarovsky, well known to mothers, claims that a child develops a strong reflex when the technique is used: “I yell - no one is interested in me, I am silent - they love me and hear me.” It is important for parents to stay in this state for 2-3 days so that the baby learns the lesson and turns into an obedient child. If you don’t have enough patience, you’ll have to start all over again, or continue to endure his whims.

If a child understands that in a “quiet” calm state he is also loved and interesting, the point of throwing tantrums is simply lost

Reasonable “don’ts” as the basis of education

It is impossible to imagine the educational process without prohibitions. If adults use words like “can’t” or “no” incorrectly, prohibitions will be of no use. Research has shown that in families where prohibitory words are used for any reason, or are not present at all in raising a child, “difficult children” appear. You should learn to use “no” correctly, since the child’s further behavior depends on the first “no” said at the right time.

The child’s adequate reaction to the ban is also important. For example, your son accelerated on his bicycle and approached the road, your “no” should make him stop abruptly. Understanding how a simple “no” can save a baby’s life, you must know how to use it wisely. Follow these rules:

• Use the word “cannot” only to the point. These may be situations related to the safety of the child himself or prohibitions that are part of the norm of behavior (you cannot throw garbage anywhere, call other children names, fight).
• The effect of the ban is not limited. Your treasure suffers from an allergy to milk protein, which means he can’t have ice cream, even if the child was obedient and got an A in school.
• Having established prohibitions on certain actions or actions, be sure to explain to your child why you are doing this, but never discuss the very right to the established prohibition.
• Get your act together. It’s bad if daddy’s “no” is opposed to mommy’s “yes”. The same requirement applies to other close relatives.
• The prohibitions adopted in your family should be supported by all your relatives with whom your 2-4 year old child communicates. Try to avoid a situation where you can’t have sweets at night, but you can when visiting your grandmother.

Prohibitions should be a serious argument for a child, so you should not use them for trifles.

What to do if nothing helps?

Let's turn to the advice of Dr. Komarovsky. The famous pediatrician advises parents who want to raise an adequate person to behave in a principled and consistent manner. Stay calm during children's whims and hysterics. Be adamant in your attitude towards your baby's behavior. A little time will pass and you will see how your nervous baby has stopped his inappropriate attacks. The doctor recommends remembering that if the little person doesn’t get what he wants through crying and screaming, he stops doing it.

If, acting wisely and not reacting to your child’s nervous outbursts, you see that the method does not work, the problem lies deeper. The child must be shown to a psychologist or neurologist. Perhaps the root of the evil is located in the medical field. Some neurological diseases can cause this behavior. Specialists will examine the child and find out how to help him. Timely treatment will correct the situation with inappropriate behavior.

Basic principles of competent education

How to raise an obedient, adequate and reasonable child? It's not that difficult if you stick to the basic principles of parenting. Parents must behave as required of the child. The main thing is your own positive example. You can’t be led, you need to tell your treasure in detail why and why you made some decision related to prohibiting or condemning an action.

Praise and explanations

• Parents should be praised for good behavior as often as reprimanded for bad behavior. Many fathers and mothers forget about this, take good behavior for granted, but explode in angry tirades when bad behavior occurs. If a child does not obey, this does not mean that he has a bad character. The baby, to the best of his ability, builds a model of behavior, focusing on parents and other family members. Praise your son or daughter more often, then the baby will try to behave in such a way as to please you and hear kind words addressed to him.
• It is impossible to judge a child for his whims and resort to personal accusations. The task of parents is to condemn the committed act. For example: the boy Kolya plays with other children on the playground, pushes them, takes away their toys, calls them names, and interferes. Naturally, adults say that Kolya is bad, greedy, and evil. Such condemnation refers to the boy's personality, and not to his actions. If you constantly throw such words, the boy will get used to them and consider himself bad. You need to scold correctly. Tell him he's good. Ask why you acted badly, punish precisely for the offense.
• Any demands placed on the baby should not go beyond what is reasonable.

How to punish correctly?

• Deferring punishment is a gross pedagogical mistake. By depriving a three-year-old of his evening cartoons for something he did in the morning, you will put him in a dead end. The child’s consciousness is not able to connect such a time gap into a single whole; he simply does not understand why he was punished.
• When punishing a child, remain calm, talk to him quietly, without shouting. Psychologists say that even an adult hears better when spoken to without shouting, and this is even more important when communicating with a child. There is a risk of simply scaring the baby rather than correcting the situation.

Punishment should not be based on emotions and brute force, otherwise the child will grow up withdrawn and aggressive

• When trying to talk to your son or daughter when the child is not listening, watch your conversational style. Think about how you would react if you were shouted at and accused of bad things.
• When talking and explaining, you must be sure that your treasure understands you. Find ways to convey your requirements to your child based on his individual qualities. Simply put, look for an effective approach to a small personality.

The power of personal example

• No matter how much you explain to your child how to do the right thing, understanding can only be achieved by personal example. Show him the right actions, encouraging him to do the same. Educate by personal example, which will be more effective than many spoken words. Become a positive role model for your child, then he will grow into a good person.
• When dealing with a bad or unwanted act, convey to your child the consequences of his actions. For example, when your baby throws toys out of bed, do not pick them up. Left without toys, the picky one will understand what his action led to. For older children who commit more serious pranks, ask them to trace the entire chain of negativity that follows their “feat.”
• Be prepared to reconsider your final decision, especially when debriefing with unruly children 8-10 years old and older. Listen to the arguments of your 12-year-old son or daughter, let him explain why he did what he did. Perhaps his explanations will change your decision, do not be afraid of this, because you must personify justice itself for him. Show the little person that you respect him and that you are ready to accept reasonable arguments.

The difficulties of parenting are easier to overcome if you take the position not of the child’s enemy, but of his wise ally. Learn to talk to your offspring, value his opinion, respect his personal qualities. Guide wisely and fairly. Establish good behavior from an early age to avoid bad behavior later. Serve as a worthy example for your child and you will succeed.

Often, watching our child, his whims and hysterics, the rejection of him by the people around him, we feel confused - what am I doing wrong, why is my child so ill-mannered and behaving so badly?

I love my child, he is the best, but not only those around him, but even I am horrified by his behavior. What to do if the child does not listen? How to properly respond to bad behavior?

These questions are answered by Vera Nikolavena Mogileva, candidate of psychological sciences, child and family psychologist and psychotherapist.

What is good and what is bad?

Probably many people remember this poem by Vladimir Mayakovsky. In it, the poet gives children clear instructions about what is good and what is bad. Now one can argue with many of the examples that the author describes. Psychologists will say that the poem is full of evaluations: “bad boy”, “good boy”, “very nice boy”, “trashy fighter”, etc. etc. The question arises:

How to show children what is possible and what is not?

Parents cannot be silent!

Many parents, having read various articles that are replete with the Internet, found themselves completely at a loss, having made the decision that if I do not know how to correctly respond to a child’s inappropriate behavior, then it would be better not to react in any way.
Today we can meet children who throw stones at pigeons, behave rudely and arrogantly with others, and paint walls. At the same time, parents are nearby and silently watch what is happening.

There are parents who really don’t care what their child does. Such parents will have to receive feedback from this world and their child later, when the grown child will absolutely not care what happens to his parents. It is no coincidence that there are now so many lonely old people, forgotten and abandoned by their children and grandchildren.

There is another category of parents who observe what is happening, they are ashamed of the actions of their child, but they seem to be paralyzed at the sight of the inappropriate behavior that their child may demonstrate, for example, on the playground, in the company of adults. They don't know what to do. They often hope that someone around them will stop their bully. When this happens, they are overwhelmed with pity for their child - he was offended.

When someone else makes comments to a child in the presence of parents, this turns out to be ineffective, because It is the parent who, until a certain age (approximately 10-12 years), retains a dominant position in the sense of moral authority for the child. Even if someone makes comments to the tomboy, but a silent parent stands nearby, the child will receive a signal that he is doing everything right, that this can and should be done.

Moreover, the parent’s silence will spur his interest and emphasize the impunity of the whole situation.

Such a child will bend over backwards to test the reaction of everyone around him, breaking the rules and at the same time simply being unable to stop.

What to do? How to behave correctly and at what age should a child be stopped?

How to raise children?

If a child violates the rules of conduct, then the parent must ALWAYS stop him, regardless of where the child is: in a public place (shop, cinema, cafe) or at home.

The child must know that there are certain boundaries that cannot be violated.

For example, a child pulls a cat's tail. He needs to be stopped and told that this is prohibited. It’s better to stop with the laconic word “Stop”, because words such as “DO NOT”, “DO NOT”, etc., are provocateur words and, as it were, spur the child to further actions.

Child's hysteria

If a child throws a tantrum at a party, at a party or in a store, then he should calmly say that there is no place for hysterics, and if he wants something, he can say it calmly (at the same time, you must be absolutely calm). If this does not help, the child is taken away from the public place.

This will show your child:

• firstly, that this form of behavior is unacceptable,
• secondly, establish some social norms,
• thirdly, save others from having to listen to your child’s screams and cries. Remember that it is not only you who suffer from them.

Typically, children, with the correct behavior of an adult, learn these norms by the age of 4-5 years. If we encounter such behavior in children 6 years of age and older, then this may indicate some kind of social immaturity and pedagogical neglect. The reason for this is, first of all, the passivity of parents regarding the upbringing of their child.

Moreover, often parents are not passive, but their reaction to deviations in their children’s behavior only strengthens them. Adults, observing the tantrums of children 2-3 years old, often begin to feel sorry for him, kiss him, etc., explaining to themselves that he is small and will outgrow him. If the cause of hysteria is a certain desire for demonstration and a desire to achieve one’s own, then in this way the adult only encourages such behavior, reinforcing it. The child, as it were, receives the message “If I throw a tantrum, I will receive attention and affection (toy, kisses, etc.).

Pity for the child

As for the emerging feeling of pity towards the child during moments of hysterics, on the one hand, it is important to understand that often we feel sorry not even for our child, but for ourselves - in this situation we are helpless children who do not know how to calm our child; on the other hand, pity is a terrible emotion towards another, it often deprives one of strength, makes a person pitiful and helpless, can deprive him of an important psychological resource, this feeling when it manifests itself in an inappropriate situation (a child hits someone, something... then destroys), creates a perverted picture of the world for the baby.

He begins to understand that aggression, hysterics and destruction are what earn him attention and maybe even tenderness from people close to him.

These behavior patterns can be difficult to correct on your own and often require the help of a psychotherapist.

When you go to a public place with your child, come to visit, etc., it is important to clarify some of the rules that are accepted in the given territory and tell them to the child. If the child violates them, then it is the parents who must stop him, because Even the owners of the apartment are not yet an authority for him.

It is parents who are the source of all knowledge about norms and rules.

Naughty child

You need to teach your child to ask permission

Often children easily make contact with other people's adults, climb onto their laps, and look into other people's bags and packages. Both parents and strangers can be touched by the baby. But it is precisely at this age (1-3 years) that we show what is still possible and what is not.

If a child takes someone else’s thing without permission, then he is asked to return it to its place and first clarify in a way accessible to him whether it is possible to take it. If a child decides to sit on the lap of a stranger, then he also needs to be taught to ask permission and understand the boundaries of other people.

Many people say that it is the responsibility of the one who lets you onto your lap. This is both true and false. On the one hand, the child receives different feedback: someone will let him in, and someone will say: “I’m tired, go play by yourself.”

In this way, the baby naturally learns that not everyone is ready to hold him on his lap or play with him at any time he wants.

On the other hand, if you see that the child does not respond to another adult’s remark and is crossing boundaries, then You have to stop him yourself, saying, for example, that “Auntie is tired, she’s not ready to play with you now, let’s go look at that book over there.”

Thus, you indicate that you need to hear the desires of the other.

But, of course, if your aunt enjoys playing with your baby, then you shouldn’t interrupt them and figure out her condition and desires for your aunt.

ill-mannered children

If a child does not have feedback about personal boundaries, then growing up, at 6-7 years old, he can easily violate the personal boundaries of others. Climbing through bags, running and sitting on the laps of strangers. At this age, he no longer evokes such affection, and his behavior seems somewhat strange.

But explaining to a younger student that this behavior is indecent becomes somewhat more difficult, because... before that, no one stopped him and he received positive feedback (everyone was touched, smiled, etc.).

It is important for parents to remember that their clear, unambiguous behavior, their feedback for the child is a guarantor of his safety and confidence.

This way he receives a clear message about boundaries, about what is possible and what is not.

There are many reasons for children's disobedience, and at each age they are different - that is, at 2 years old, 5, 7, 8 or 9 years old, a child behaves badly due to some certain factors. Although, of course, there are also general negative prerequisites, for example, permissiveness.

The question of what to do when a child does not listen at all is not uncommon. And you can’t leave the situation to chance, because often bad behavior takes extreme forms, when the baby practically gets out of hand. Let's figure it out.

The list of situations when a child behaves inappropriately is very long.

Below are 5 typical examples of child disobedience, each of which has its own prerequisites and age limits:

1. . It often happens that after repeated warnings, a two-year-old baby breaks out of his mother’s arms during a walk, grabs sharp objects, etc. Naturally, such actions are exhausting.
2. . The child responds to any mother’s demand or request with resistance, protest, etc. He doesn’t want to get dressed, sit down at the table, or return from a walk. This behavior often occurs in children as young as 3 years old and even as young as 4 years old.
3. The child disturbs others. Even at 5 years old, children can behave simply unbearably: screaming and running in public places, pushing and kicking. As a result, the mother is very ashamed of the dissatisfied looks and comments of people around her. Most often, by the age of 7, this problem completely disappears.
4. . When asked by adults to get dressed and clean their room, children respond with silence and ignoring words addressed to them. This behavior is especially typical at the age of 10 and older, when teenage rebellion begins.
5. . Such actions are more typical for younger preschool children. At 4 years old, children can loudly demand and insist on purchasing an expensive toy or some kind of sweet.

To solve such problems, there are educational techniques that are designed to make the child more obedient. But before describing them, you need to figure out why children do not obey.

Reasons for disobedience

The sources of “wrong” behavior are sometimes very easy to establish simply by analyzing the baby’s actions and your reaction to them. In other situations, the provoking factors are hidden, so the analysis should be more in-depth.

Below are the most common reasons for disobedience in children of different ages:

1. Crisis period. Psychology identifies several main crisis stages: 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7 years, 10 - 12 years (beginning of adolescence). Naturally, the boundaries are quite conditional; something else is more important - during these periods there are significant changes in the child’s personality and abilities. Both the psyche and behavior change.
2. Excessive number of prohibitions. Rebellion is a natural reaction of children of any age to restrictions. When the word “impossible” is constantly heard, a child sometimes deliberately breaks prohibitions in order to prove his independence and “annoy” his parents.
3. Inconsistency of parents. For various reasons, parents impose sanctions against the child for something that yesterday, if not encouraged, was not condemned. Naturally, he is confused and disoriented, which is expressed in disobedience.
4. Permissiveness. In such a situation, on the contrary, there are practically no restrictions. The child is allowed literally everything, since parents confuse the concepts of “happy childhood” and “carefree childhood.” The result of indulging any whims is spoilage;
5. Disagreements in matters of education. Different requirements for a child are not uncommon. For example, fathers usually demand more from their children, while mothers show sympathy and pity. Or a conflict may arise between parents and the older generation. In any case, disobedience is a consequence of the child’s disorientation.
6. Disrespect for children's personality. Often adults are convinced that a child of 8 or 9 years old is just as “disenfranchised” as a one-year-old. They do not want to listen to his opinion, so it is not surprising that protest behavior eventually arises.
7. Conflicts in the family. Adults, figuring out their own relationships, forget about the child. And he tries to attract attention through pranks or even serious offenses. Subsequently, this turns into a habit.

There are often cases when a child’s behavior worsens after a change in family composition: divorce or the birth of a brother/sister. The main motive for disobedience in such situations is the desire to attract attention.

How to respond to disobedience?

Typical problems and reasons for children's insubordination have already been discussed. Now you need to understand what parents should do if the child does not obey.

It is worth noting that we will talk about actions that still remain within the normal range. That is, we will consider disobedience, and not deviant behavior.

A useful and relevant article in which the psychologist talks about how parental screams affect his future life.

Another important article that is devoted to the topic of physical punishment. The psychologist will explain clearly.

What to do with a child if he behaves so thoughtlessly that it threatens his health or even life? It is necessary to introduce a system of rigid boundaries that are prohibited from crossing.

A 3-year-old child, actively exploring the world, simply has no idea how dangerous it is. However, due to age characteristics, he does not understand lengthy explanations, so the system of restrictions is based on conditioned reflexive behavior.

A child, having heard a certain word, is obliged to stop purely reflexively. This is important because there is not always time to explain the current situation and the likely consequences.

For this whole structure to work, need to:

• pick up a signal word, which would mean a categorical ban. It is best not to use the word “impossible” for this purpose, since the child hears it all the time. The signals “stop”, “danger”, “prohibit” are suitable;
• demonstrate the relationship between a signal word and a negative consequence. Of course, the situation should not pose a serious danger to the child. For example, if a child pulls his finger towards a needle, you can allow him to feel the pain from the sharp one. In truly dangerous situations, you need to repeatedly pronounce the signal expression: “It is dangerous to take a knife.”, “It is dangerous to touch the stove.”;
• remove emotions. Sometimes a child of 5 years of age deliberately provokes danger so that his mother is afraid for him, and he is saturated with her emotions. That's why you shouldn't show your strong feelings when your baby behaves like this.

The introduction of categorical prohibitions should also be accompanied by a reduction in other restrictions, since otherwise there is a risk that the child will simply become confused about what can and cannot be done.

As already noted, children go through several crises, which are characterized by protest sentiments. A growing person strives for autonomy, but rarely is a parent ready to provide it at 5, 8 or 9 years old.

What should parents do in this case? Allow the child to be more independent and make decisions. Agree, you can give him the opportunity to decide what he will have for breakfast or what he will wear to school.

Such things may seem trivial to parents, but for a growing child it is a kind of pass into the adult world. He also feels that he can benefit his loved ones.

If the child insists on completing a task that is obviously “losing”, allow him to do it (unless, of course, this will harm the child himself). However, after an unsatisfactory result, there is no need to say, they say, I warned you, etc.

If the protest turns into hysteria, the adult should remain calm, otherwise the emotional outburst will only intensify. You need to save the child from the audience, hold him close to you or, on the contrary, move away a little, without letting him out of sight. It all depends on the circumstances.

The child disturbs others

In this case, it is necessary to make it clear that there are general behavioral principles that must be observed. Naturally, if a child does not obey at the age of 4, then he may simply not understand the importance of fulfilling these requirements.

And yet it is necessary to make comments, explain and, ultimately, raise children. Therefore, the mother must repeat seemingly obvious things for the second and eighth time: “Don’t kick the chair, because the man in front is uncomfortable sitting.”

If it doesn’t work out now, then by the age of 8 the child will have learned the rules of behavior that mom or dad so often repeat. And the more accessible it is to explain, the sooner this moment will come.

Children do not want to listen to a parent who lectures them, for two reasons:

• the child is busy, lost in his thoughts, so he doesn’t even hear what the parent is saying;
• This is another version of protest behavior.

In the first case, children who exhibit autistic traits behave this way. However, similar behavior can also manifest itself in gifted children, since they constantly scroll through many different ideas in their heads.

It is necessary to figure out exactly why the child cannot or does not want to listen in order to correct the situation in time or try to improve relationships. A qualified psychologist will tell you what to do in this case.

Protest behavior is typical for children over 9 years of age and especially for teenagers. They want more independence, so they get angry with their parents and refuse to listen to them, thus resisting their demands.

It doesn’t matter whether a rebellious teenager or a three-year-old child doesn’t listen to his parents, the methods for solving the problem will be similar. Children need to be given more independence, if this does not harm their safety, and more love and support.

The child demands to buy him something

There is no need to wait for demands and capriciousness to develop into a hysterical attack. It is best to immediately leave the store and, under a plausible pretext, pick up the child. For example, explain that you forgot the money.

The failed “buyer” must be distracted by another action. Pay attention to the cat running by, count the birds on the branch, repeat the poem you learned. Usually kids quickly forget about an unfinished purchase.

If the child is older than 6 - 7 years old, then you should already negotiate with him. Let him argue why he needs this particular thing. Find out if he might be willing to spend his pocket money (if any) on a toy or phone.

Then you should promise to add the missing amount for your birthday or New Year and buy the item you like. Naturally, the promise must be kept.

We looked at what needs to be done if a child does not listen in typical situations. However, there are general recommendations which will be useful to all parents. And it doesn’t matter how old the child is - 3, 5, 8 or 9 years old.

1. Reduce the number of prohibitions, leaving them for really serious situations. In this case, the number of punishments will immediately decrease.
2. If an 8-year-old child does not listen, and you are used to solving problems by shouting, try to calm down and make comments in a calm tone.
3. If your child does not listen because he is engrossed, try to attract his attention not by shouting, but, on the contrary, by whispering, facial expressions or gestures. The interlocutor will have to listen, willy-nilly.
4. Don't voice your demands over and over again. First, simply warn the child to stop playing around, then a disciplinary measure follows. And after the punishment, the reason for such strict measures is explained.
5. Try not to use the particle “NOT” in your speech. This advice is based on the idea that children do not perceive a negative particle, literally taking the request as a guide to action.
6. If children are hysterical, there is no need to appeal to their reason at this moment. Calm down yourself, confirm your demand again without raising your voice. This happens more at 8 or 9 years old, but with young children a distraction maneuver will work.
7. Be consistent in your actions, demands and promises. Also enlist the support of your spouse and grandparents. Consistency will not allow you to disorient the child, who will have no reason to behave provocatively.
8. Try to spend more time communicating with your children. Moreover, it is not the number of minutes that is important, but the quality of interaction.
9. Prepare yourself mentally for the inevitable growing up. The child grows, he needs more independence to realize his desires and plans. Ensure this independence whenever possible.
10. Show genuine interest. Find out what your grown-up child is doing. Perhaps his favorite films are not so superficial, and the music is quite melodic.

If a child at 10 years old or 2 years old does not listen after many months of effort on your part, it is better to consult a psychologist.

In order for a child to obey or at least adequately respond to the demands of adults, it is necessary to restore the most trusting child-parent relationship and establish an emotional connection.

Ways to establish trust:

1. It is important for a child to understand that he can tell his parents about a situation that is disturbing him. The little person also needs to know that he can ask adults questions without fear that they will get angry. At the same time, parents should feel free to ask and clarify, talking about several ways to solve the problem.
2. If you need to convey some important news or ask for something urgent, it is better not to shout, but to come up and hug – that is, create physical contact. Such an action will show your high interest in this situation, and the child will have less reason to refuse you.
3. When communicating, you need to maintain eye contact, but your gaze should be soft. If the parent looks angry, then the child subconsciously feels a threat, a desire to put pressure on him, so he perceives every request as an order.
4. Education implies not only demands, but also gratitude. Praise and words of approval are the best incentive for children, because they hear them from their parents. By the way, material encouragement is not as valuable for a child as mother’s or father’s sincere gratitude.
5. You should not forget that you are a parent, that is, older and more experienced than your child. Excessively friendly relationships often lead to the fact that the child ceases to perceive you as a protector, the main person in the family. That is, you need to be more flexible.

It is important to learn how to react correctly to any problem, to consider it from all sides, including from the child’s perspective. In this case, trust will definitely return, and, therefore, children will no longer need to confront their parents.

The power of personal example

Children do not always respond well to a simple explanation of why they should behave one way or another. It is better to educate by personal example, because this method is much more effective than numerous words and wishes.

If a child at 6 years old does not obey, perhaps you should listen to his reasons and explanation of the action. It is especially important to demonstrate fairness in adolescence, so find the strength to reconsider your decision if it was wrong and ask for forgiveness for the mistake.

At one not so wonderful moment, almost every parent may face the problem of disobedience. However, you should not despair and resolve the issue by force; it is better to build a relationship with your child so that conflicts do not reach the point of no return.

In addition, think about whether an obedient child is such a good thing. After all, some manifestations of insubordination are associated with the normal passage of age-related crises, and if children never object, perhaps they lack independence and the desire for self-development.

And finally, adults themselves should serve as models of constructive behavior. Agree that it is stupid to demand that a child listen and hear if parents do not always keep promises, change demands without proper basis and do not want to give in on small things.

What to do if the child does not listen? A burning question that moms (and some dads) usually type into a search engine with shaking hands, while simultaneously trying to stop their twitching eyes.

Because children sometimes do not obey, and it is very important for parents that they obey. It is so important that the anger and hopelessness simply overwhelm. And then the time comes to search for the answer.

Before you begin to solve the problem, it is worth understanding what the problem is. Typical obedience problems may include, for example:

1. The child does not obey and puts himself in danger. Mother says “don’t get under the car”, “don’t touch the knife”, “you can’t be alone at sea.” The child breaks free and runs onto the road, grabs a knife or scissors, and so on. The mother is forced to constantly be on guard, and this is exhausting and frightening. In addition, this behavior poses an objective danger. At 1 year and even at 2 years this behavior is quite typical, but at 3 years it is already alarming.
2. The child does not listen and protests. The mother says “let’s get dressed,” “sit down at the table, the food is ready,” “go brush your teeth.” The child throws tantrums and violently resists. The mother feels helpless, gets angry, screams, and gets tired of endless bickering and conflicts. Typical situation for a 3 year old child.
3. The child does not obey and creates inconvenience for others. The mother says “don’t shout on the plane”, “leave you alone from your uncle.” The child behaves like a child, attracting angry looks, comments and dissatisfaction from others. The mother feels like a bad mother and experiences shame and embarrassment. Usually, by the age of 5-7, children still master generally accepted rules of decency and cause less displeasure.
4. The child does not listen and ignores adults. The mother says “let’s get dressed, we have to go”, “please clean the room.” The child continues to play or sculpt from plasticine, or read a book, ignores requests and gets angry. The mother feels hurt, angry and helpless. For children aged 10 years and older, during the teenage crisis, this is a very common form of protest.

These are four different examples of children not listening to their parents, each with their own psychological reasons, and each of which is normal for children of a certain age. This is not a complete list of situations in which obedience problems may arise, but these are the main trends.

For each case, you can choose your own educational techniques, more or less humane, which will make the child more obedient. But before raising a disobedient child, it is important to understand why the child does not obey.

What to do with whom?

Being a parent of an obedient child is very convenient. But being the parent of an obnoxious little devil is inconvenient, difficult and tiring. But by and large, this is a psychological problem of the parents (and other adults), and not the little devil himself. From a scientific point of view, disobedience in most cases is not a pathology or any alarming deviation from the normal line of development.

Parents need to keep the child's interests in mind when trying to get him to obey. Too severe punishments can psychologically traumatize the child, and the end result will be an obedient, bullied, fearful person, incapable of active and adaptive inclusion in social life.

But this does not mean at all that when a child does not obey, nothing needs to be done. It is still unpleasant and difficult for mom, dad, grandmother and everyone else to cope with a disobedient teenager, even if everything is fine with the teenager himself. In addition, a well-mannered child is liked by others, and this is pleasant both for the parents and for him.

But keeping in mind the normality of what is happening, we can more consciously ask the question “what to do.” In any situation with disobedience there are at least two participants, which means you can do something with each of them. That is, the mother (and other adults) should first decide whether she wants to change the child’s behavior, or whether it is enough to simply reduce the degree of her own tension about this.

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova, a practicing psychologist and art therapist

What to do with the child?

Sometimes “doesn’t listen” is too mild an expression for a behavior problem. Some children refuse to obey any demands of adults at all and may behave inappropriately for their age. For example, at 2 years old a baby does not respond to his name, attacks other children, fights with everyone for any reason, and the like. In this case, parents are advised to contact a child or family psychologist for face-to-face consultation, since serious behavior problems require professional correction and may be signs of psychological disorders.

Below are advice from a psychologist to parents of those children whose behavior remains within the norm, but for some reason does not suit the parents. Let's figure out what educational measures can be used in different cases of disobedience.

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova, a practicing psychologist and art therapist

When a child puts himself in danger

How to make a child obey if his behavior is dangerous for him or for others? We are talking about a system of strict rules and boundaries that must not be crossed under any circumstances. Most children who run into the road or put their hands into a fire simply do not understand how dangerous it is. This behavior is typical for many children under three years of age, when they are just beginning to actively explore the world and learn about how everything around them works.

A person who has just begun to live, who has never encountered real threats, is not able to understand some abstract danger. Therefore, the system of absolute prohibitions that relate to safety is based on conditioned reflexes. That is, when hearing the word “no”, “danger” or “stop”, the baby should stop reflexively and very quickly - this requires much less time than explaining a specific situation and possible consequences, and much less emotional resources.

In order for such a system to work, it is necessary:

1. Choose a signal word that communicates a strict prohibition. One, specific and simple word that will always be used. Usually the word “you can’t” works poorly in such a role, because “you can’t have candy,” “you can’t tear up books,” “you can’t climb out of the window” for a child will sound like prohibitions of the same “rank,” but for a parent this is not the case at all. So you should either choose another word - for example, “dangerous”, “prohibited”; or not to use the word “impossible” in the case of relatively weak prohibitions. For example, you can limit the range of possibilities with the words “don’t”, “put it down”, “we never do that”, “I don’t allow” and so on.
2. Show your child the connection between a prohibiting word and painful consequences. You should not protect your child from the natural consequences of his actions if there is no serious danger to health. For example, a baby reaches for a hot mug. You can tell him that it is “dangerous” or “impossible” and allow him to feel the pain of touching something hot. If the danger is too great, and the method of natural consequences is impossible, you should remove the child or his hand from the dangerous object, while pronouncing the prohibitory word: “you cannot take a knife,” “it is dangerous to touch the stove.” This pattern will have to be repeated from several to several dozen times before it works as a reflex.
3. Remove emotions from dangerous situations. The second reason why children disobey and provoke danger is the need for attention. The child knows that his mother will be afraid for him, and thus tries to find the desired (albeit not very positive) emotional contact. You should not demonstrate your experiences in a dangerous situation to your child.

A striking example of how not to react is described in the book “Kid and Carlson”:

- Just think! - she said. - What if you fell from the roof? What if we lost you?

—Would you be upset then?

- What do you think? - Mom answered. “We would not agree to part with you for any treasure in the world.”

The baby feels that when he climbs onto the roof, he immediately becomes very valuable and loved. And it is quite natural that he will repeat this experience when he again feels lonely and abandoned. Therefore, no “oh, how you scared us all,” hugs and exclamations, just a dry and cold explanation of why you should never do this under any circumstances.

In other situations that do not threaten health and life, the issue of disobedience turns out to be quite difficult, since adults do not like an ill-mannered child, but they usually do not want to raise a downtrodden quiet one. If you understand the reasons for disobedience, it will become clearer how to deal with a disobedient child.

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova, a practicing psychologist and art therapist

When a child protests

Children are characterized by periods of protest, usually coinciding with developmental crises. A crisis is a turning point, a sudden change in the internal picture of a person. Children at these moments (at 1.5, 3, 7, and 10-12 years old) have an acute need to become more independent and autonomous.

That’s why there is an impulse to protest against pressure - adults control every step, tell what and when to eat, wear, when and where to relieve themselves, and when to sleep. For every growing child, experiencing the awareness of this total control is not an easy task.

An important role of the parent in this crisis of autonomy is to provide the child with space in which he can make decisions and act independently. Let him decide what he will have for breakfast and what to wear for the holiday, trust him to wash the dishes himself (yes, perhaps risking a couple of cups and accepting the need to wipe the entire kitchen of water), pay for purchases in the store, place an order in a cafe or hang up his panties .

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova, a practicing psychologist and art therapist

These things seem like unimportant little things that make life difficult for adults, but for the developing personality of a person, the opportunity to do something for himself in the adult world (and not just in games) is a sign that he can act and be useful, that he is important and valuable.

In those moments when a surge of autonomy turns out to be completely out of place and conflict is inevitable, it is not necessary to distract or persuade. Facing harsh reality is a necessary frustration for development, so there is nothing wrong with sometimes doing something the child doesn’t want anyway. It is important that he does not experience this as an act of violence and does not feel broken.

A dubious strategy, for example, is to yell at a screaming child. The child cannot control himself, and the hysteria only intensifies from fear and guilt. But an adult can control himself (well, sometimes), and when a child is hysterical, it is better to put off his own hysteria. Grabbing a resisting ball of hatred in your arms, screaming “I don’t want to go home,” you can comment on your actions in the spirit of “I understand that you want to play on the playground some more, and I sympathize with you, but we are going home.” This is unlikely to stop the screaming, but feeling supported, the child will be able to get through the period of crisis faster and easier.

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova, a practicing psychologist and art therapist

When a child bothers others

It is important to make it clear that there are rules of behavior that everyone follows. For a small child to understand this seems almost impossible, so if a child does not listen at 4 years old when his mother asks him not to shout so loudly on the bus, this is a common situation.

Nevertheless, you can express your dissatisfaction, and you can make more and more new attempts to explain the state of things: “there are a lot of people here, and your song may bother someone,” “the person in front is unpleasant when you kick his chair.” As children grow older, they easily learn the general rules that their parents adhere to - especially if these rules are explained in a friendly and accessible way.

When a child ignores

This comes in two versions:

1. The child has his own plans and is not at all interested in what you want.
2. This is passive aggression, and this is how he expresses his protest.

The first option is typical behavior for autistic and autonomous children under 7 years of age, as well as for all independent schoolchildren. You can combat such ignorance with the help of enticing jokes, stories and sayings (from “a spoon for mom” to “we are introducing a reward system for housework”).

It's important to remember who's the adult here.

It’s a shame when a child does not recognize the authority of adults and does what she wants, fights and screams. But by scolding a child for her autonomy, an adult does not gain authority, but only increases the distance and quickly loses access to “control levers,” which is especially true when it comes to schoolchildren over 10 years old. An adult is able to cope with his resentment and at the same time remain a parent - with confidence in what needs to be done and with an understanding of how the child does not want this.

The second option is a manifestation of rebellion, which more often occurs in adolescents, and in its deep mechanisms is similar to the same “three-year crisis” - a teenager wants to be autonomous, make decisions himself, he gets angry with his parents when he feels pressure, and resists demands. Oddly enough, the system of optimal behavior for parents is also similar - give maximum independence where it is safe, support and love where it is appropriate, and do not yell back. By the way, if at the age of three and later a child’s crises are productive, then a stable sense of autonomy, independence and, at the same time, reliable support from an adult (usually the mother) is formed, which is preserved and developed, creating a “safety cushion” for the teenage crisis.

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova, a practicing psychologist and art therapist

What to do with yourself?

So, when a child does not obey, you can hear him, understand him and help him survive the ban, without retreating or “pampering” him with the lack of restrictions.

Perhaps every mother knows how difficult it is to hear and understand a child when she barely has enough strength to restrain her own anger.

Therefore, the main problem, it turns out, is how the mother feels when she cannot cope with a disobedient child. And it is quite normal for a mother to feel anger, helplessness, fear, hatred and powerlessness. Because it's difficult. Because motherhood is full of conflicts and difficulties. Because no one can be empathic and accepting all the time.

It's okay to be angry. The fact that many mothers cannot contain their anger is also normal. A child will not break because his mother yells at him. It is important for children to see different emotions and understand how their behavior causes others to react. Expressing anger is a completely healthy behavior for even the kindest and most understanding mother.

But then, when the mother expresses her anger (in any way that is possible for her), it is important to explain to the child that he is not to blame. Due to children's egocentrism, it is very difficult for kids to understand that a mother can be angry not because he is bad, but because she is tired, because she cannot understand his senseless hysteria, because she is disappointed and upset about her broken plans. Or rather, it’s probably most important to explain this to yourself, and only then to your child.

The fact that a child does not obey does not make him bad. This is an expression of his inner reality, which deserves attention and respect.

Nobody needs a perfect mother who never gets angry and always understands everything. But it’s very cool to be the child of a lively, emotional and sensitive mother. A mother who can get angry, but can also support in difficult times. It's great to be the child of a reliable and adult mother who is able to withstand any rebellion and not turn away from her baby.

Photo and son of Vasilisa Rusakova, a practicing psychologist and art therapist