Everything will depend on what hopes your men did not live up to.
Women begin to build hopes in early childhood, looking at their parents, and then when they become adults continue to do this by looking at the society in which they live.
And one of the most important factors in this society is friends.
And what happens when friends meet and talk about relationships.
Very often they exaggerate what is happening in their relationship.
This is not done intentionally, it’s just that when a woman is under emotions, the emotions will take over her mind and thoughts.
The same thing happens to men when they are emotional. But in women, the emotional center of the brain (amygdala - amygdala) is much larger than in men. This means women feel emotions more often and more vividly than men.
The result of all this is that unless a woman intentionally develops control over her emotions, and most women do not, her emotions will often take over her mind and thoughts.
When a woman has pleasant emotions, the whole world seems beautiful, inspiring and pleasant to her, including the men in this world. But when she experiences unpleasant emotions, her perception of the world and men is distorted just as easily, but in a negative direction. It will seem to her that all men are idiots, fools, liars, traitors, etc.
And so, we return to our friends.
What does this have to do with girlfriends?
Despite the fact that when girlfriends meet, he usually shares information with each other about their relationships with men. If your friend's man did something good, then she will talk about him as if he were the most the best man in the world - because she is under emotions. If he did something bad, then he just terrible man who doesn’t love her, doesn’t appreciate her, doesn’t respect her, etc. - again, she’s emotional.
Yes, I'm exaggerating a little, but that's the gist of it. Next time, watch how your friends talk about their relationships and about other men.
One friend talks, and the rest sit, drink coffee and listen carefully to her. What happens to these other friends who listen to her?
They begin to compare her relationship with their relationship, and begin to understand that their men are not as good as her man, well, if she spoke very well about her man.
Then they come home and begin to expect from their man what the man they just heard about, their friend’s man, does.
For example, your friend’s man bought her expensive perfume as a gift, you begin to hope that your man will also give you something very valuable, etc.
This all happens unconsciously. Such hopes and expectations are born automatically and you won’t even notice it.
And this is precisely where most of women’s unhappiness in relationships lies. In hopes that are never realized!
If you compare your relationships with other people, and especially in such situations, you will be constantly disappointed in your man.
This is because every man is different and behaves differently, each has his own strengths and weaknesses.
Yes, maybe your friend's man gives her very expensive gifts, but perhaps he is very cold with her or even rude, and she does not feel the warmth and tenderness that you feel from your man.
Only she doesn’t talk about it, she talks about gifts, and it begins to seem that her relationship is just perfect and the man is perfect, but you don’t.
Remember that every man behaves differently. Therefore, looking at other men and expecting similar behavior from your man would be very unreasonable.
It's like being an artist and looking at a can of green paint and expecting it to start coloring blue, or lilac, or white, or black, or whatever.
For that to happen, you'll have to do something with that paint. She won’t just start painting it a different color.
By this I mean that if you want your man to start behaving differently, be prepared to put in a lot of effort and effort to achieve this.
And these are very subtle efforts, it is not just asking him to do something. You need to be able to ask a man for something if you want real results, otherwise you will simply start to irritate and anger him.
Asks a man for something he needs in the form of an open dialogue, where you explain to him what you want from him, based on your own desire me and fears, opening up completely to him in them, talking about them, and listening to what he says.
And do this not once or several times, but introduce such an almost daily habit into your joint relationship. A habit where you both open up to each other about your fears, worries, desires, inspirations, etc. All this should be sincere, respectful and open between you.
That’s when real changes and improvements will begin in your relationship, and simply expecting him to do this or that because you constantly “nag” him is not reasonable and even destructive.
This is one of the possible events.
Another option could be that you have very high expectations from a man, which a man simply cannot fulfill. No man can realize them, and therefore you are constantly disappointed in men.
For example, my priority in life is meditation and various similar practices and studies. My whole life is literally built and organized around this.
Because I prioritize meditation, I used to expect the same from my women.
I expected them to meditate a lot too. And this can be understood, since in my thinking meditation is the most important thing in life (in my life), and therefore it is my main priority.
But this is not correct.
Each person has their own priority.
Each person has something very important.
Therefore, expecting my girls to meditate all the time like me was very unrealistic.
And I was constantly disappointed in them. There was constant tension in the relationship, as my women could not fulfill my expectations. And this happened until I completely let go of my expectation.
When I completely let him go, the relationship improved a lot and I began to enjoy my woman and she began to charm me.
We ourselves create barriers to our happiness when we place different expectations on other people. Our every expectation is an obstacle to our own happiness.
Let us remember how yogis achieve the state of enlightenment, and enlightenment is the maximum feeling of happiness, joy and love for everything that exists.
How do they do it?
Yes, they do a bunch of different practices, but one of the goals of these practices is to help yourself let go of all the expectations that you have for this world and everything that is in it. The more expectations you let go, the more you begin to see and feel what is really there, the happier you become.
For my other thoughts on this topic, watch my video at the top of this page, and ask any questions below in the comments.
anonymously
Hello! I have this problem: I am pathologically unlucky in my personal life. Behind is an unsuccessful marriage. And even before that, there were no good men among men. For some reason, on the path of life you come across only deceivers and cynical bastards. Now I’m so disappointed in men that I’m already afraid to trust anyone. I even quietly hate them. I understand that maybe I’m wrong, you shouldn’t judge everyone the same. After all, in the world there are also among men good people. But for some reason I have no luck with these. And this despite the fact that she is not deprived of intelligence, education, or beauty. I know that I deserved my female happiness, which makes me doubly sad. They say: “Treat people the way you want to be treated.” I never did harm to anyone. Only the attitude towards me is exactly the opposite. Sometimes it seems like I’ll do something mean to at least one man, insult him, and it will become easier from the feeling that it’s not only me who suffers from them, but that I myself know how to hurt. I don’t know how to cope with such a state of mind. Or is it really better to take revenge on a couple or three - then the feeling of unluckiness will pass, and new life Will it be easier to start without the stigma of being a loser?
Good afternoon They say: “If you’re going to take revenge on someone, dig two graves at once.” The fact that you take revenge on 2-3 men will not help you. You have put the label of failure on yourself. I agree about the fact that goodness is not always returned with kindness. Treat people in a way that makes you feel comfortable and don’t expect any response. Men are bastards - it's a matter of perception. Why you choose these men, you need to understand. If you live in Kyiv, you can sign up for a consultation.
anonymously
Thank you for paying attention to my letter. But, sorry, I don’t quite agree with your arguments. 1. “Why do you choose just such men” - we choose what (read - those men) that we consider necessary, without knowing in advance their real essence, which manifests itself only after the passage of time. So there is no need to say that it is a conscious choice. It's like a lottery - guess it right or not. And it is impossible to foresee the development of events in advance. We are not soothsayers. To say that a person himself chooses the negative, knowing that it is negative, you see, is not entirely true. 2. “You have put the label of failure on yourself” - maybe so. But nevertheless, this is not out of nowhere, but a consequence of the experience experienced. 3. “Men are bastards - it’s a matter of perception” - wait a second, I didn’t say that everyone is bastards. And what is best perceived is what is experienced or seen by the person himself, and not dictated by his imagination.
anonymously
Or maybe I didn't understand you correctly? Please explain if this is true. Once again, sorry for the pun and the abundance of text.
When trying to start a relationship, men and women often unconsciously set themselves the task not of getting to know a potential partner, not of getting to know each other, but of being charmed by each other. To see someone who fits into the ideal, the “suitable soul mate,” and not the real person.
If we are talking about flirting or a sexual adventure, then why not? Romantic passion, sexual arousal - this is not at all necessary a real man, you can flirt or kiss with an imaginary image that is projected onto a randomly suitable person.
But if you want a relationship, and not a one-time adventure, then the desire to charm and be enchanted comes into conflict with the desire to get to know each other.
Popular culture tells us that the “right” thing is to idealize, to look for the good, to present oneself exclusively from one’s advantage. For this reason, one of the inevitable and natural stages of a relationship is disappointment. It varies.
If, for example, a woman has a very rigid image of what she should be" a real man"
, then the slightest discrepancy with this image leads either to rapid cooling and depreciation, or to attempts to educate a man, to make him fit this image.
Another disappointment- discovering that the qualities of a partner that you liked so much also have dark side. For example, it turns out that a man behind whom is “like a stone wall” is also a stone wall emotionally. And a soft and gentle partner is not able to keep his word.
Third option of disappointment- discovery of qualities or characteristics of a partner’s behavior that he hid with all his might, just trying to avoid disappointment.
What all types of disappointment have in common is that we discover that our partner is unable to meet all of our needs.
Idealization is based on the dream that we will find ourselves a person who will fill all our spiritual deficits. A woman who lacked security as a child wants to find someone who will always protect her in any situation. If we lack love, then we are looking for those who will always “take them in their arms”... If we lack self-respect, a craving may arise for a person, next to whom, it seems, we can begin to respect ourselves...
That is, the other, it seems, can give what is lacking in ourselves. And then, after some time, it turns out that he will not always protect, does not always respond to requests for pity, is not a jack of all trades, and so on.
The stronger the idealization, the more deafeningly it collapses, transferring a person to the other pole - the pole of devaluation, when everything that happened in the relationship is declared a lie or nonsense.
"Oh my God! He doesn't want to conflict with his mother by protecting me! He Sissy!" Or: “You never listen to me!” (although, perhaps, you are simply not always ready to listen).
Is it possible to avoid disappointment? No, this is a natural process. How then can we understand which of our expectations and hopes are unrealistic?
It is unrealistic to expect that our partner will respond to all our desires and that he will give up his life for us. That there will never be any domestic conflicts, quarrels, or misunderstandings with him. The most unrealistic expectation is that a partner can be “changed” if you put in some effort (this illusion is often used to reassure oneself at the beginning of a relationship, when they notice something in a partner that they are not happy with).
But there is something that we have every right to count on. This is the absence of emotional and physical violence, recognition of the value of our experiences and a willingness to discuss them. If you have to be disappointed in this, the relationship is doomed.
Frustration itself is a negative and unconstructive feeling. Most often it is caused by expectations that did not come true. It brings pain and often resentment, as the woman feels deceived or even insulted. Although the other side of the coin is that the woman simply thought better than he was, and expected more from him than he could give. As a result, sadness, depression, and sometimes irritation and disgust towards a loved one arise.
It is very important to start fighting this feeling, otherwise it can destroy a woman from the inside and develop complexes.
How to cope with disappointment in men and move on with your life
The first and main condition is that under no circumstances should you withdraw into yourself. It is important to express your emotions about this so that they do not accumulate inside and thereby aggravate the situation. It is quite normal if a woman wants to cry. You need to talk about your feelings with people you trust, draw, dance, do anything, just don’t withdraw into yourself and cherish your sadness.
Of course, at such moments you feel very sorry for yourself, but you need to drive this feeling away at all costs.
To avoid further depression associated with disappointment in life, you need to be busy with something all the time. Particularly good medicine in this matter is sports, walking and reading. By surrounding herself with interesting people, communication with whom brings pleasure, a woman will cope with any negative feeling much faster.
Not only does it take time to heal physical wounds, but also mental ones. And disappointment is a wound and often a very deep one. That's why it's important to be. Everything will definitely be fine, but not always right away.
In addition, you should not be completely towards your offender. It is important to understand that there are no only bad or only good people. After all, all people are different. And the man who caused the pain is simply different from the image that the woman “painted” for herself. It has many good qualities, after all, that’s exactly why she got him.
The main thing is not to label yourself a loser after this trouble. Such situations provide excellent experience and knowledge in order to avoid making similar mistakes in the future. You need to draw the right conclusions and, wise by experience, boldly move on in life.
The feeling of resentment is familiar to every person. Resentment that penetrates the heart poisons the mood and can even negatively affect physical state. How to cope with resentment and prevent it from transforming into prolonged depression?
If you have been offended, first of all try to calm down so that in a state of passion you do not commit actions whose consequences will be difficult to correct.
Self-training techniques, a walk on a fresh air or, if possible, any relaxation procedure. If you allow resentment to develop, then more may be added to this feeling. whole bouquet negative emotions: disappointment, bewilderment, annoyance, anger and even the desire for revenge.
It is important to realize that resentment is most often unmet expectations. You did not receive the expected actions from any person, or vice versa - you did not receive at all what you wanted or deserved, in your opinion.
Find out whether your opponent could know or at least guess about your expectations. Did you tell him about your aspirations or did you just wait for him to figure it out? Very often, women are offended by men, expecting from them what they are not even aware of.
Turn on self-criticism and think: maybe your touchiness is a manifestation of hypertrophied pride, when everything around you is not happening your way, and you are trying to attract others to yourself with your demonstrative insults. Special attention. Then you honestly need to admit that you are poisoning the life not only of yourself, but also of those around you.
Try this one psychological technique, which effectively relieves feelings of resentment: in your imagination, imagine yourself as the lawyer of your offender and try to defend your opponent. It is quite possible that you will begin to think adequately, then you will be able to justify your offender and understand why the misunderstanding arose. And understanding is already a big step towards forgiveness.
Forgiving your offender, at least in your heart, is the best thing you can do for your peace of mind, even if they didn’t apologize to you. After forgiveness, you will get rid of exhausting internal monologues and dialogues with the offender and restore spiritual harmony. Christians themselves are the first to ask for forgiveness from their offenders, rightly believing that they themselves are to blame for this offense. This act demonstrates such wonderful human qualities as humility, wisdom, kindness, peacefulness and generosity.
Read: 6809By communicating with men (whether they are my clients or just men who have a certain level of trust in me), I learn about their values. First hand, so to speak. Many of these men have already gone through the breakup stage, are in that stage, or are considering leaving the relationship. A common reason for such male desire is the lack of support for a man from a woman. Therefore, I find the issue of female support one of the most important in the role of relationships.
What is women's support?
In my opinion, this is the ability to notice and understand what is happening with her man. The ability to see his condition and give him what he needs in this condition. And here I immediately want to write about the mistakes that women make in this place:
1. A woman sees that her man’s behavior has changed (he has become sad, darkened, withdrawn into himself, become irritable) and immediately associates these changes with herself. She immediately thinks: “What is he angry about? What does he want to show me? What is my fault?". I call this the “Navel of the Earth” syndrome. When a woman thinks that everything revolves around her and does not even imagine that her man may be influenced by any other external circumstances. In this “navel of the earth” syndrome, a woman begins to make attempts to sort out the relationship, thereby burdening her man even more, who is currently loaded with thoughts about work, for example, repairs, or something else of his own, masculine. Imagine, women, a situation in which you have withdrawn, so to speak, into yourself, are mentally in some kind of process, and then your man begins to pester you with questions like “What’s wrong?” and offer to find out exactly where it’s wrong. And basically, everything is fine with you, but your mother is sick and it worries you. What do you want at this moment? So that your man notices your anxiety and offers his help. He wants the same thing when things aren’t going well for him. Notice his condition and ask: “How can I help you?” - it is important. Just women of this question “What’s wrong?” are waiting. But there is no man. Nevertheless, you can show your attention to him if there is no goal of extracting information from him. Of course, he won't ask you to solve his problems at work or fix his car if you ask him what you can do for him. Most likely, the best thing for him will be simply the realization that he is noticed, seen and that they are not indifferent to him. Make him his favorite soup and he will be grateful.
2. The second mistake women make is that as soon as they notice changes in their man’s behavior, they not only do not allow him to be in this state, they also demand that he return to his previous state. This makes a woman more comfortable. So she feels that everything is fine. You can often hear the following dialogues in relationships:
Something happened?
No, it's okay.
If it’s normal, then why are you walking around like you’re in a daze?
Yes, everything is fine, I'm telling you.
Well then behave normally! Otherwise you walk like a lemon!
A woman, seeing that a man is acting distant, begins to associate this reason with herself and feels the need to clarify what is wrong or to cajole her man so that he becomes “normal” again. When this doesn't work, she gets furious and demands that he come out of his state in order to relieve himself of the tension and feel that everything is fine. At this moment, the woman sets a task for the man that does not correspond to his condition. Imagine, woman, that you have some kind of personal experience and you are in a state of this experience. Your behavior is different, you are indifferent, you need to be in your process, but then your man begins to demand that you not be in this state and become comfortable for his perception. He didn’t think that there might be something wrong with you, he didn’t support you at that moment, but wants something for himself. How do you feel?
1. Another very common one female mistake- this is to ignore the condition of your man + aggravate the situation. For example, he has financial problems, and she starts whining about the fact that she needs money for a haircut/peeling/shopping/manicure. These things are certainly important for a woman. But if you yourself cannot cover these expenses yourself, then it would not be superfluous to show at least a little sensitivity and understanding to your man if he has temporary difficulties. Many women perceive these temporary difficulties as male failure and abandon their men at this very moment. And when they get their affairs together, they come to them with their nonsense about “I realized that I love you.” There’s just a type of woman who likes everything is fine as long as it’s going well. And when the time comes to give a man at least his understanding and patience, then they no longer love. These are women consumers. Who cares own well-being.
If a woman does not give her man support, this does not mean at all that the man will not cope without her and will not reach a plus state. But when he does, you will have no part in his success. And he will remember his difficult times, in which you did not take part and were focused purely on your needs. A woman who cannot give a man what is most important cannot give him anything valuable. And not because he can’t or doesn’t know how. She's just not full inside and has nothing to give. It can only take and is like a bottomless well into which no matter how much you throw it, it absorbs everything without return.
The phrase “both in sorrow and in joy” became empty and all meaning was lost in it. Because women share a man's success with joy. And for failures they are despised and have forgotten how to share sorrows.
For a woman, the support, participation and help of her man is important when she has any problems. This is how she feels support and self-love. For a man, things are a little different. If it has developed masculine qualities, then he will not tell the woman about his problems. Even if she stubbornly seeks an answer to the question “What is the reason for your mood?” he will answer her that everything is fine. Men don't like to tell a woman about their problems. Therefore, you should not protect him from meeting friends. I suspect that in addition to football, business, cars and politics, they discuss among themselves things that are not customary to share with your woman. Problems. And if a woman, nevertheless, notices that her man is now stewing in something of his own, then she simply does not need to do much. There is no need to associate this with yourself (if it seems so, you can clarify this for yourself once and not pester him anymore). There is no need to try to pull him out of this state (let him stay in it, perhaps now he is making some important decision). There is no need to take on the role of mother and rescuer in order to help him, even if the woman knows the real reason(a man is not a little boy, he himself knows what to do). You don't need to listen to a man's complaints. You can immediately distract him from this idea with sex or something else effective (by listening to a man’s problems, you slow down his growth, no matter how strange it may sound to many). But simple things are needed: to give him the opportunity to be in this state, make decisions and be interested in what he wants. This is what support is. Not in the false “You can do anything, my hero, I believe in you, everything will work out!” And in simple human attention and participation.
A man especially needs female support and understanding at a difficult moment for him. When things are not going as well as we would like. When there is a financial crisis. When he gives up. As a rule, the internal tension of a man coincides with the internal tension of a woman. Because his failures push the woman out of her comfort zone. And at the moment when a man has a crisis, he is in a state of minus and he needs that feminine energy that will help him reach a state of plus, he only receives signals of dissatisfaction from a woman, and then reproaches with claims. The woman, at this moment, is waiting to be supported and returned to comfort. But she doesn’t have the resources to do something for this herself or to help her man do it. In order to be able to give a man her support, she must have such a desire and state. Dry, rote words that he will succeed and that you believe in him will not help him in any way. Words endowed with nothing other than sound are useless and stupid. And if this woman is not inside feminine energy and condition, then you need to figure out why it was lost and work on it with a specialist. The absence of purely feminine qualities and skills is not the norm. Many people live with this, of course. But how do they live? What kind of life? Next to which man? What kind of children are they growing up?
One of the reasons why a man cannot perceive his woman as before is disappointment. Having experienced it in relation to a woman, a man looks at her with completely different eyes. A man experiences this feeling in the absence of female support at a difficult moment. The value of a woman, in the absence of this quality, decreases for a man and nothing can be done about it. Many devalued women look at how other men treat their women and envy them. Believing that the whole point is that their man is not able to appreciate them. May be so. But mostly women don’t even notice that they themselves devalue their men. And then they receive only what they emit themselves. And in pairs there is such a common game “Who has it more difficult?” It starts when circumstances force both of them out of their comfort zone. And then everyone is sure that it is more difficult for him, without having been in the other’s place. In this case, everyone expects that they should understand him. In this case, the “notice” principle also applies. You simply notice the state of another, are interested in what you can do for him and ask him for what you now need to receive from him.
Yulia Dodonova
