— Mature relationships between partners begin when each of them has a need for fidelity, as well as a need for food, sleep, and creativity. Then you can think about marriage. It happens that there is no need for fidelity from the very beginning, but then it is not clear why two people decided to live together.
If the inner need for fidelity remains, then, in my opinion, external behavior when communicating with people of the opposite sex, it is not so important. You can shake your hand at a girl on the bus in such a way that it will be a whole affair and psychological betrayal, or you can communicate quite closely, but it will not be betrayal. If there is no need for fidelity within or it disappears over time, then spiritual betrayal is inevitable. But if there is physical intimacy with another, then it is impossible to remain spiritually faithful to the previous partner.
— And if the betrayal occurred, as they say, “drunk,” and the person says that he doesn’t remember anything, he was drunk, seduced... How to evaluate such an event?
- This is an attempt to throw off responsibility. I find it hard to believe that betrayal is as much an accident as “slipping on the street.”
— What if a woman says that some man took advantage of the situation?
— If there is no physiological reaction on the part of the woman, then we are talking about violence. This is a completely different story.
— And if young people meet and make promises of fidelity to each other, is a close relationship with another person considered treason?
— In this situation, I would separate the concepts of betrayal and treason. In my opinion, at the beginning of a relationship, when attachments have not been established, when there is only interest in the partner, you cannot talk about cheating. But we can talk about betrayal. Saying that you will help your friend move and not coming is already a small deception, which can grow into a big betrayal. If a person relies on you and does everything in accordance with his promise, but you do not fulfill it, then this is betrayal.
Every word we say imposes a certain responsibility on us. For example, a girl often perceives the words “you are the best, I don’t need anyone but you” as more than just a compliment. The girl will think that the young man has chosen her, and she can begin to behave in accordance with this: refuse some fans, sacrifice personal time. Often, under the influence of feelings, a man tells a girl that he will marry her, and surprisingly he himself believes it, but after a while the feelings pass. Men can be advised to be more attentive to their words, think ten times and not act under the influence of feelings. Meaningless and premature promises are a very painful moment for a girl.
- It happens the other way around. When a man declares his love, and the girl does not reject his feelings. Then her relationship with another young man will be perceived as a betrayal?
- When I sincerely say that I want to be only with this woman, I would like to receive a clear answer, whatever it may be. The girl cannot be accused of infidelity or dishonesty, because no words are spoken, but her persistent reluctance to give an answer can be seen as a psychological game. It is accepted in society that the man is the first to reveal his feelings, so it is easier for a woman to avoid answering.
— If we talk about betrayal in marriage, what does our forgiveness and unforgiveness depend on?
“I have never seen that the decision to forgive or not to forgive was a volitional act of a person. The words “I forgive you” change little in the heart. Forgiveness is a deep internal process inner work which needs to be done. Pardon can only be after a conviction; forgiveness can only be done when you clearly understand what you must forgive for. As a rule, the psyche desperately defends itself, especially if you want to forgive a person (“ah, it’s not difficult to deceive me, I’m glad to be deceived myself”). Only after realizing the consequences of the damage caused, when you understand how spoiled and crippled your life is, but at the same time you turned out to be stronger than the circumstances, can you think about forgiveness. And very often the internal readiness to forgive does not come soon. In my practice, I often hear the words: “I still can’t forgive right now.”
Therefore, one cannot forgive by an act of will. Another thing is whether you are ready to communicate with a person as if there was no betrayal. I think that the decision to save a family must necessarily be a joint one, when two people come to the conclusion that they want to live together without remembering the past.
— And people manage to live like this even in the absence of internal forgiveness?
“This solution is similar to aspirin, which brings down the temperature, but does not cure the disease. After some time, awareness of what happened should come, and sooner or later the guilty party should say: “I’m sorry.” Or, what is much more difficult to imagine, if the perpetrator does not repent, the injured party needs to take an internal step and ignore this guilt.
— Is it necessary to discuss in detail the betrayal that occurred after an apology?
— It is unknown what stands behind the word “Sorry.” If there is sincere repentance and awareness of the damage caused, then with a high degree of probability such a conversation will not be necessary.
— Are there cases when you should never forgive?
- I don’t know such situations. Perhaps you shouldn't pander to another person's weaknesses, but that's different. For example, if my door doesn’t close well, and a person broke it and took away the money, then there are two completely different aspects. Firstly, how do I feel about this person, am I ready to forgive him, will I prosecute him. Secondly, I need to replace the door to prevent it from being broken into next time. It is necessary not only to work on your attitude towards the person who committed a certain act, but also to take care of your own protection.
Let me give you an example: during a ceremony, some woman broke through the security of the current Pope and knocked him down. Dad can forgive her, but he will not dismiss the guards. Protecting yourself, your interests, your borders is the norm. I don’t understand the situation when, after betrayal without forgiveness, spouses continue intimate relationships. Any betrayal makes the relationship much more formal. This is a natural defense when the person who has been cheated on withdraws. For example, a relationship has reached a dead end, people do not see how to develop it further, but for “technical reasons” they do not divorce (for example, property is difficult to divide). The marriage turns into a marriage of convenience, and for some time this design exists.
- They often save marriage for the sake of the child...
- It's a difficult question. When two people who do not love each other live for the sake of a child, this does not have a very good effect on him. It is difficult to talk about acceptance and forgiveness here; there is simply a fact of common everyday coexistence.
— In a situation of betrayal, a desire for revenge often arises. What to do about it?
— The human psyche is structured in such a way that if he does not find the strength to forgive, he will somehow show aggression: either ignore his partner or take revenge on him. Main question is what your goal is. If you are building a new happy life after a breakup, think about how this evil and this revenge will fit into it? Any revenge is more expensive for yourself. The best revenge that does not harm us is happy life without him or without her.
— Often friends, and sometimes even would-be psychologists, advise taking revenge for betrayal by betrayal. As they say, “an eye for an eye”...
“I don’t know of a single case where a person received satisfaction from this.” This action is destructive for us and does not carry any constructive meaning. There’s definitely no smell of forgiveness here, but there are still difficulties with taking care of yourself. The idea of a casual relationship, in my opinion, is bad under any circumstances.
— Movies often show how intimacy occurs with an old friend who happens to be nearby at the moment of an emotional explosion.
— Good friend. Note that a person comes to him with disheveled feelings and instead of giving him the opportunity to come to his senses, the “friend” takes the opportunity to sleep with him. A very dubious friendship.
— How to work on yourself after betrayal in order to forgive and continue to love?
- This is a difficult task. There are two principles at work here that contradict each other. The first principle is to try not to remember the history and the baggage that is in the relationship, try not to return to it at the level of words. On the other hand, it is important to understand that even if you yourself have done some work, forgiveness will not come. It will come only when another person confirms his repentance with his life.
It is very important to understand that both partners are responsible for the inability to forgive. There is a certain inertia in the psyche, and doubting and even suspecting a person for some time is a natural trail that will remain after betrayal.
- Is it like a sense of self-preservation? If you get shocked once, it’s difficult to decide to touch that wire a second time...
— I completely agree, it’s at the level of reflexes. There is no need to blame yourself and try to be so holy that you don’t remember anything at all.
— How to work on relationships so that forgiveness comes faster?
— The ideal situation is when the spouse helps overcome the doubts, uncertainty, suspicion, and so on. If possible, you need to talk through your anxiety with him without trying to blame him. Say: “Sorry, but I’m very worried.” If the partner responds to our words with understanding and care, then joint work on anxiety begins. If two people have brought a situation to the point of betrayal, then it is easier for them to get out of it together.
This is an ideal situation; in many cases it may not be achievable. Then the person has to choose himself. And there is a need for the extremely important psychological skill of self-care. Let's say you understand that you are ready to forgive, but you are still worried. In this situation, it is important to be able to console yourself.
By the way, dependent relationships often arise precisely when a person does not know how to console himself. The art of self-comfort is very important. A person must be able to live in certain emotional states: in a state of anxiety, in a state of uncertainty, he must be able to support himself. While everything is stable, this skill is not important, but as soon as stability disappears in the family or at work, increased level anxiety and a person needs to learn to console himself. IN otherwise anxiety will turn into suspicion, suspicion into an attempt to control, which will cause certain reactions on the part of the partner and tension in the relationship. It is important to be able to survive in difficult situations thanks to your favorite business, favorite job, friends, hobbies. Some people go to church - this is spiritual consolation, and in this situation it is very effective: a person receives a spiritual core, he develops perseverance, confidence that there are spiritual forces that will support him.
— Suppose the spouses have been married for several years, and suddenly the fact of infidelity comes to light. After this, the wife leaves and lives separately. She seems to be able to console herself, but there is still a feeling that she is living in vain. What advice can you give her?
— First of all, it is important to recognize what is happening. When parting with a loved one, just like when he dies, a condition arises called loss syndrome. As a rule, the loss is experienced within a year. The state of sadness and emptiness within the first year is normal and acceptable. If a person is experiencing longer, then this is a sign that he has understood and accepted something incorrectly in his life.
There are different phases within the first year after a breakup, but everything is quite individual. In the first three months the experiences are most acute. It is important to know that influxes of such emotional states how there will be emptiness and despair, but there is nothing terrible in them. It’s just that emotions give a certain glitch; domestic doctors love the metaphor of a broken speedometer. He shows the wrong numbers: wrong data both about the world and about himself. Feelings about the world as a whole may arise: “You won’t achieve anything in this world, and life is not worth living.” Or thoughts about yourself: “I’m not capable of anything, nothing new will ever begin.” It is important to understand that this is not reality, but a certain emotional state that gives incorrect information to our feelings and which, like any other emotional state, passes. This is the first thing that is important to understand.
Second: it is important that influxes of emotional states do not interfere social life person. If he previously led a hectic party life, then perhaps he does not have enough strength for it, but a person should not interrupt all or most contacts with the world. Difficulties may arise at work, but leaving your job is not a good idea. A person may stop taking care of himself, and this is also not a very good decision: it is important to automatically give himself at least minimal support in the social and everyday sense. You need to try to pay more attention to how you eat, how you rest, how you live, and so on, than during the bright periods of your life. One of the characteristic syndromes of depression is lack of appetite, but the opposite reaction also occurs when a person begins to “eat up” stress.
— Let’s say a person understands everything, takes care of himself, communicates with friends, goes to work, but he is haunted by feelings of melancholy and hopelessness. Is it possible to repeat affirmations at this moment (short phrases that, when repeated many times, reinforce certain attitudes in the subconscious? ), and what settings would you recommend?
— If a person does something “automatically” and purely technically takes care of himself, then this is almost an affirmation. And if, even with some internal effort, you look beautiful, then this is a non-verbal affirmation: no matter what happens to me, I can live with dignity. For some it is important not to stop wearing makeup, for others it is important not to stop communicating with friends, for others it is important not to stop playing sports. Each person has their own things that give a sense of integrity. Just as words are symbols or anchors of a certain state (“I can handle it, I’m confident”), certain actions indicate self-confidence.
As for affirmations, it is very important to choose supportive affirmations. If a person is suddenly abandoned by a partner, which was accompanied by moments of humiliation and caused psychological damage, then you can say to yourself: “I can handle everything, I will get out of the situation with dignity, I will be happy.” If a person says: “I happy man" or me happy woman”, but in fact he does not think so, then the given attitude is not in the zone of proximal development of a person. Such affirmation, as a rule, acts in the opposite way and aggravates the condition. If a person sees his haggard face with bruises under his eyes and tries to say “I am a happy woman,” then this creates an even greater feeling of unhappiness. Therefore, affirmations should be supportive, not ignoring the pain and the situation that exists.
— What are the consequences of forgiveness and unforgiveness of betrayal?
“After forgiveness, people will at least treat each other humanely.” In the case of forgiveness, a situation is possible when people remain friends after breaking up. Perhaps they understand that a closer relationship is impossible for them at the moment, but at the distance at which they find themselves, they may well continue to communicate and take healthy care of their common child.
Of course, there are cases when forgiveness of infidelity leads to a marriage becoming even stronger after a crisis. If this is real forgiveness, and the marriage has survived such a situation as betrayal, then it is truly reliable. After a certain time, inner confidence and some additional trust in the partner appear. These are the main results of forgiveness. Any crisis, if it goes through deep and sincere forgiveness and acceptance, then it changes something in a person’s values to a more sound and sober worldview.
- Let's say in married life there was a fact of betrayal, it was lived, forgiveness came. And after some time the situation repeats itself again.
— It would be more correct to talk not about repetition, but about the development of the situation. For example, the first time a person went on a business trip and slept with his colleague, after that there were apologies and a determination to live differently. The second fact of the same behavior means much more. If you look at church experience, repentance is not only sincere repentance, but also an inner determination not to repeat the sin. And if a person has really sincerely experienced this situation, he receives an additional bonus - inner determination, he comes out of this situation changed, he has a clear and conscious position regarding betrayal. The repetition of this event leads to many different thoughts: was there any sincere repentance before, is the person able to take responsibility for his actions, or are his volitional mechanisms broken?
For example, sexaholics have the same addiction to sex as alcoholics do to alcohol. If a healthy person gets drunk, crashes a car and hits a person, and says that he won’t drink again, that’s one thing. If an alcoholic says that he won’t drink, it doesn’t mean anything. And this is already a serious indication for going to psychotherapy and doing serious work on yourself.
— How can a person understand that he is a sexaholic?
— The criterion may not be very obvious, but if your actions have a destructive effect on you and your family, then you are definitely a dependent person.
— Often promises not to change again are made several times, and the words are very convincing...
— Genuine repentance is not words that are often spoken under the influence of a situation to reassure your partner. If a person makes a vow to himself, then the very fact of the vow shows a violation of volitional mechanisms and may indicate sexual addiction. Otherwise, there is no need to make a vow, the person simply decided not to change and nothing will change his decision. And the fact of an unfulfilled vow is a very serious signal about a violation of volitional mechanisms.
— Is it possible, without making vows, to stop being a sexaholic, an alcoholic or a smoker?
- If a person has made a vow to himself, then he is divided into two parts: one vicious, which strives to smoke, drink or have sex, and the second controlling, which tries to force him not to do this. And it’s extremely difficult to just gather your will into a fist, because in addition to the one who controls you and, say, says “don’t smoke,” there is also someone who wants to smoke. In a situation with smoking, you can still imagine a person who stopped smoking by force of will, but I don’t know a single chemically dependent person or a sex addict who would overcome the addiction by pulling himself together. Doctors know well that if an alcoholic leaves the clinic and says: “I understand, doctor, I need to pull myself together,” then in a month he will be back.
Most people faced with betrayal are faced with the question: how to live if your husband cheated? This is really difficult, since the pain and resentment experienced corrode the soul. How to be?
Let's pacify suffering
When the suffering caused male infidelity, overwhelms you, sometimes something as basic as crying in your bed helps you calm down. Much more effective way protection from sudden attacks of suffering is a useful activity.
Clean out the basement of your home. Have breakfast with a friend whose company always brings you joy. I assure you: if you have no intention of suffering, suffering will subside on its own over time.
After your husband cheats, learn to trust him again
“How is it possible? - you ask. “How can I even trust him after what he did?” It's not easy and it won't happen overnight, but the goal is achievable if you stick to it. After all, you don’t really think that he can’t be trusted with literally everything. Learn to focus on those things that you can still trust him with.
For example, you know that if you get sick, he will definitely take care of you. If you have lost your job, he can support you. If one of your parents has died, you can lean on them. If misfortune happens to you, he will come to your aid. When you feel like you can never trust him again, think about what you can rely on him for.
What to do with jealousy after cheating
If you are tormented by jealousy that has not subsided since the end of his affair, then you need to get acquainted with some of the methods offered by psychotherapists to combat this illness.
Use them, because sooner or later your irrepressible and unjustified jealousy will cool his feelings for you and undermine the foundations of your relationship. A new betrayal may even seem justified to him, since he will decide that he will be guilty in any case.
The first method is to create a “jealous chair”. Have a special chair in a room where you can go, lock the door and be alone. When you feel jealous, sit in that chair and stay there until your emotions subside.
The second method is to try to use pretense. When jealousy overwhelms you, feign indifference, even if your feelings are far from calm. You shouldn't ask him where he's been, accuse him of looking at other women, and check him every time he leaves the house.
The third method helps you get rid of recurring attacks of jealousy and allows you to give up the wariness and suspicion that has become your chronic condition. Become unpredictable.
If you are in the habit of regularly questioning him when he comes home, stop that and do something else. If you call him at work four times a day at a certain time, switch to unscheduled calls.
Don't indulge your habit of always following his trail like a hound. Start developing your own interests. You will have to force yourself, even if you don't want to. According to psychotherapists, this technique eliminates dependent and obsessive behavior characteristic of chronic jealousy.
The last method can be used only when his affair remains far in the past. To live calmly after cheating, when walking with your partner, point him to attractive women. In psychotherapeutic circles this is called “using a symptom to destroy it.”
Finally, you should consider the possibility that your partner is intentionally making you jealous. Some men do this in order to gain control over a woman and strengthen their power over her.
Think carefully about this. If this happens to you, then you are obliged to confront your partner with the fact of his provoking behavior. Explain that it is blocking the path to recovery.
One last word about jealousy. If you're single, jealousy may be a sign that you've made a huge contribution to your relationship - a contribution that hasn't been properly appreciated.
You are constantly jealous because the man is not giving you the love and commitment that you want from him. Your feelings are not mutual, and the man does not want to change anything.
1. Don't think about cheating
Many women, after their husband’s betrayal, are overwhelmed by the desire to know every little thing. The best thing to do in such a situation is to focus on your own relationship with your partner.
It is important to let him know that your relationship is more important to you than what happened between him and his mistress. However, if you find it difficult to give up your need, then you can use simple method, successfully used by some psychotherapists. It's called "crime and punishment."
Sit opposite each other and discuss specific details and specific features of his novel. He must describe in as much detail as possible what happened in his relationship with another woman.
You are allowed to ask as many questions as you need. You can repeat this exercise regularly. Like other women possessed by such curiosity, you will soon discover that this activity seems disgusting to you. You will tire of his detailed reports and give up your obsession.
When a major crisis occurs in a relationship, a woman feels like she has failed in her life mission. This has a profound effect on the core of her personality, especially after her husband's betrayal.
Take a piece of paper and write down all the good things you can remember about yourself. For example: “I am kind, loving person, I good friend“I’m a good mother, I’m smart, I have a developed imagination.”
Keep this list in a drawer. desk. Take it out and re-read it every morning before you start your workday or every time you feel like a failure.
The next, very good antidote: remind yourself that you are taking steps to change for the better. This will give you a feeling of confidence and triumph that will replace feelings of defeat.
3. Start making changes.
After your conversations together, you should know what specific things or behaviors need to change. Tell each other that you are now ready to change. For example, if you find out that he wants to pay more attention to him, tell him that you will try to do this.
For example, he volunteers to help you clean up after eating, rather than waiting to be asked to do so. You invite him to go for a walk after work, rather than waiting for him to express his desire.
4. Let your partner know you appreciate their efforts.
Complimentary comments when your partner does something to meet your needs will show him that you notice his efforts and you like them. A positive reaction will strengthen the desire to continue making changes for the better.
5. Give each other surprises
Complete predictability is the enemy of romance and breeding ground for boredom. Boredom favors infidelity. Decide to give each other surprises every week. They can be anything.
A surprise could be an “I love you” note placed in his suitcase when he goes on a business trip. A surprise could be an invitation to a date. The surprise may be one - the only rose given to you.
Surprises not only break up the routine, they make you more interested in each other, think differently after your husband's betrayal, and treat each other differently. The unpredictability that creates some tension also creates a more sexual atmosphere. With surprises you can breathe new life into your relationships.
6. Reorganize your schedule so you can spend more time together.
This is not an easy problem these days when most people work under hectic schedules. We are so busy with our work, our daily routine, the demands of our children, parents and friends that we forget about the opportunity to just be together.
You should spend at least two evenings a week engaging in emotional communication. Turn off the TV so you can see and hear each other better. Everything important needs care: plants need to be watered, children need to be fed and cared for.
Relationships, especially after your husband’s betrayal, need to be cherished. Time spent together is vital food for a healthy relationship.
7. Working on Intimacy Issues
Good way clarifying mutual needs for intimacy - asking each other when and where you want to be alone or in the company of a partner. There will be compromises that suit both of you.
For example, you can sit in the same room and read silently without disturbing each other. He can listen to music on stereo headphones while you knit or do your exercises.
You can go to the cinema together, but watch different films in different halls and meet in the lobby after the show. You can go to museums or art exhibitions and walk through the halls in different directions, setting a time and place to meet.
In addition to these measures, after your husband cheats, you can begin to figure out what makes intimacy so scary for you. Often the reason lies in the past. For example, a person whose childhood was spent in the company of an overly caring, even intrusive mother may experience distrust of intimacy in adulthood.
Sometimes it happens the other way around: a person who grew up in a family with emotionally distant, withdrawn parents is not used to intimacy and feels uncomfortable with its manifestations.
Be that as it may, understanding the causes of fear of intimacy helps to get rid of it. A person gradually begins to be less afraid and better tolerate intimacy with his partner.
Now you know how to live after betrayal. As a final step, you need to carefully and slowly deal with the last aspect of infidelity - sex. If a man feels great in bed with you, the likelihood of temptation is significantly reduced.
- What to do if your husband cheated on you?
— Cheating husband: is it worth continuing the relationship?
— How to survive your spouse’s betrayal while maintaining your relationship?
— Ten ways to quickly relieve stress after reconciliation between spouses
- To hold a person, it is enough to let him go
- Conclusion
If all the evidence is clear, and your husband has not found excuses against your arguments, then it’s time to think about how to move on. Most women are thrown into a stupor by this event, and they begin to panic because they do not know what to do next.
It is this fear that inhibits the desire for exposure and wives turn a blind eye to their husband’s behavior. It's threatening nervous breakdown and loss of self-confidence. In any case, the situation will have to be resolved, and the sooner this happens, the better for both of you.
Psychologists also advise not to create scandals and hysterics. It's best to wait it out and calm down. And you should talk to your husband and make decisions with a cool head. In a fit of emotion, you can say hurtful and unfair words to your spouse, hurt his feelings and then regret it. Every man deserves forgiveness, especially if he loves you. It is common for all people to stumble, but then to repent of what they have done.
Ideally, you need to separate for a certain period of time and put all your thoughts in order. Separation will help you understand how much you need your loved one, whether it is worth saving the relationship and how to behave further. In addition, this is a reason to make your husband worry.
Cheating husband: is it worth continuing the relationship?
1. Firstly, you need to discard thoughts about the hopelessness of the situation, as well as about suicide and similar nonsense.
Life doesn't end there. Of course, you will have to suffer a little, women simply cannot do without this. At the same time, psychologists do not recommend prolonging the period of depression. In this case, you need suffering in order to survive the pain and think logically, for example, how to live after your husband’s betrayal. It will be nice if you have a close friend or even a mother who will focus on your personal strengths and help instill self-confidence;
2. Secondly, a woman needs to understand that most representatives of the fairer sex face such typical situations today.
Let's say you got divorced because he betrayed you, but what is the guarantee that another man won't do the same? No. And what is the point of changing the situation then? Unless you have completely and completely become disillusioned with all men and have made the proud decision to live alone. But will you be happy when left alone? What about your children?
4. Hide from your husband for a while.
The likelihood that your spouse will be worried about your disappearance, that he will no longer have time for his mistress, is very high. And already during this time you can suffer to your heart’s content away from him, think about how to live further and in no case show him the depth of your grief. Surviving your husband’s betrayal with your head held high is the real art;
5. Having suffered from the heart, look at the situation from the other side.
Of course, you were betrayed, and this is very unpleasant, it hurts, but this does not make you any worse. You are still the same attractive, same smart and pretty woman. It’s just that some people, unfortunately, have stopped noticing this. At worst, there will be others who will not only notice it, but also appreciate it!
6. Do not under any circumstances think that your mistress is better than you, or younger, or more beautiful.
Surely your husband has not seen her tired after work, exhausted from sleepless nights in the first years of the child’s life, sick and overwhelmed by illnesses. Don’t even think about asking your man stupid questions, such as: “Is she better than me?” or “Is she younger than me?”
You need to be sure that YOU are better, YOU are more attractive, YOU are kinder and smarter. In the end, this woman has set her sights on someone else’s man - in this alone she is worse than you!
7. A man is a conqueror by nature, a male, whatever one may say.
You need to make him worry not because he might get caught, but because YOU might now get away. It's time to set YOUR OWN RULES in this situation! He needs to understand that you are a woman who is actually liked by the men around you!
The husband must remember how he conquered your dear in his youth. And you are a faithful, beautiful and attractive woman!
8. Do not bow your head under any circumstances, have a sense of dignity and soon you will begin to enjoy it when your husband conquers you again!
Ten ways to quickly relieve stress after reconciliation between spouses
1) If betrayal and leaving the family occurred in a civil relationship, after reconciliation, the man and woman should immediately go to the registry office and create a legal family. And only then do everything recommended below.
2) If the couple was registered with the registry office, and the partners are believers, as a sign of reconciliation and forgiveness, the couple can either go to church for communion and repentance, or perform a solemn wedding ceremony.
3) If a long time ago, at the time of marriage, the spouses were poor, and the wedding was more than modest (or there was only a formal registration without celebration), and now the economic situation has become better, I recommend a trip to such tropical islands (Bali, Maldives, Dominican Republic, Thai islands, etc.), which specialize in conducting beautiful marriage ceremonies. And have a touchingly romantic wedding again. Having received a document about this, you can solemnly hang it on the wall in a frame.
4) Be sure to change your wedding rings: the existing ones are already stained ugly story with betrayal. Moreover, during a period of family quarrel, many husbands and wives do not wear their wedding rings for some time. Sometimes they are even thrown away or returned to each other. Ceremonial dressing of new wedding rings obliges a reconciled husband and wife to a lot!
5) Conduct a professional family photo session. From the best photographs, make either framed collages on the wall, or even photo wallpapers in your family bedroom. This greatly improves the mood of the wife, husband and children.
6) Do something extreme together: jump from a bungee or parachute, dive to the bottom of a river, sea or lake in scuba gear (not forgetting to drink champagne there), climb to the top of the nearest mountain, fly around your city on a trike or helicopter, go rafting. swim, etc.
7) Organize a celebration of your reconciliation in an unusual format: buy a limousine for a few hours, inviting family friends to ride with you. Or a husband and wife can fly to the capital or abroad for the weekend, dancing to their heart's content there in a prestigious nightclub or at beach party. You can also hang a lock with the spouses' names engraved on the romantic bridge.
8) Reconciled spouses can go to the nearest travel agency, buy a last-minute ticket and fly somewhere to the seaside right tomorrow (or better yet, that same night). Or even take a sea cruise. If the couple is not very rich or the vacation is still far away, the husband and wife can simply get into their car and drive to the capital of the neighboring region, spending romantic night in a hotel or restaurant in another city.
9) If the cheating husband works together with his mistress, he can either fire her from work (of course, peacefully and by agreement, providing assistance in finding another job), or resign himself. My wife will definitely like this.
10) If the spouse’s betrayal occurred right in the family’s own apartment, and the spouse suffers greatly from this and cannot forget it, it makes sense to sell this apartment and buy another. Of course, changing living space is always a troublesome and expensive task, but I assure you: preserving the family and peace of mind of the wife is worth it!
Keep in mind: the more actions from this list are carried out in your couple, the faster intrusive memories will leave your memory. Moreover, all this should be done within the immediate future after reconciliation. But to everyone he meets and suspect him of all sins.
To hold a person, it is enough to let him go
It turns out that in order to keep your husband, you don’t have to go to great lengths with two or three lovers. In order for your spouse to grab his head and forget about adultery, you just need to pretend (and most importantly, convince yourself) that you are the best!
They leave those women who hold them.
They cheat on those who are jealous. It is difficult to gain respect if you lack self-respect.
A cheating husband is not the only man in the world worthy of love.
Sometimes it’s worth not noticing someone else’s mistake and moving on with the hope that your mistake won’t become a stumbling block.
If you don't want to be lied to, don't ask. Love is not always naked truth. Often a half-covered person looks much more attractive.
You shouldn't relax in love. Family is a huge daily work.
What we have, we don’t keep; when we lose it, we cry. Sometimes, over the years, a man’s virtues, which initially captivated his future wife, become familiar to her and unnoticeable. And only his betrayal forces him to reanimate the relationship, to look at the cheating husband through the eyes of another woman. Even in a barrel of ointment you can find a spoonful of honey.
Find out if you were unable to forgive and decided to break up.
Conclusion
According to statistics, almost everyone married man cheated on his wife at least once. However, every woman firmly believes that betrayal can happen to anyone except her. Unfortunately, most of them are wrong.
Even after the betrayal becomes obvious, many women are unable to accept that they have been cheated on. The world they were accustomed to was destroyed and they simply have no idea how to live on. But do not forget that this is not the end of the world and any end is always the beginning of something new.
After a loved one cheats on you, you have only two choices: try to save the relationship or file for divorce. I hope this article will help you find your footing and move on with your life, no matter what decision you make.
The material was prepared by Dilyara specifically for the site
Women are often accused of cheating on their husbands. There is an opinion that representatives of the fairer sex must do the impossible to keep their loved one. However, not everyone thinks so. After all, to preserve the family, both women and men must adhere to certain rules. What to do if the husband still cheated on his wife? After all, living after such a shame is hard. Not all women know how to forgive their husband's infidelity. In the article you have the opportunity to read what psychologists advise on this matter.
Why does male infidelity happen?
Each person is individual. The same applies to men. There are several categories of reasons why they cheat.
- Lifestyle. A man cannot live without variety. Even if he loves one woman, he still cannot live without regular affairs. He likes it when his partners change often.
- Boredom. A man gets tired of monotony. My wife is the same every day, not only in the kitchen, but also in bed. He gets bored and wants new sensations.
- Self-affirmation. If the husband has certain complexes, and the wife makes fun of him. Then he asserts himself at the expense of other partners.
- Hypersexuality. There is a certain category of men for whom love pleasures are never enough. If a wife is not able to give her partner as much sex as he needs, he will go looking for what he wants on the side.
- Wife's indifference. A man will not always understand why his woman constantly has a headache. And especially often migraines attack when it comes to sex. Such indifference on the part of the partner pushes the husband to cheat.
- No satisfaction. If a woman cannot give her husband the pleasant sensations that he needs.
To prevent your man from looking for love pleasures on the side, try to pay as much attention to him as possible. If you are faced with such a problem, but do not want to get a divorce, then a psychologist will help you understand how to forgive your husband’s infidelity. The main thing is not to overdo it.
Signs of betrayal
Every woman by nature has incredible insight. It is not difficult for her to identify her husband’s infidelity, because there are basic signs that a wife always pays attention to.
- Mobile phone. Even if a man is hiding something, the wife will be able to determine it from the conversation. If the phone rings, the husband may go into another room or speak in such a way that it is not clear what is being said. Moreover, frequent calls or messages lead to certain thoughts. However, do not immediately think about cheating; perhaps your loved one is preparing a surprise for you.
- Appearance. If your man has changed dramatically and started paying a lot of attention to himself, you need to think about it. Nothing just happens like that.
- Late returns home. Every wife knows the schedule and specifics of her husband’s work. If he comes home late and starts telling stories himself, as if making excuses, think about it. Why would he suddenly start coming home late if this had not happened before?
- Lie. Every woman thinks logically. Therefore, it is not difficult for her to understand where the deception or truth is, especially if she compares the facts that her husband did not think about.
If you find such signs and suspect your loved one of cheating, do not get excited. Better think about what the reason is. Perhaps you will understand how to forgive your husband’s betrayal and move on with your life. You will always have time to quarrel, but not every woman is capable of maintaining a relationship.
What should a wife do if her husband cheats?
First of all, spouses need to have a heart-to-heart talk. They are family, friends and civilized people. Moreover, not all women are ready to forget about their loved one and start a new life. Many representatives of the fairer sex are interested in the question: “How to forgive your husband’s infidelity?” After all, you really want to save your family, love and relationships.
When a wife finds out about her husband's infidelity, she must first calm down. A representative of the fairer sex always considers the situation with different sides. A man defines cheating completely differently than a woman. For him, such a life is entertainment. He loves one woman and gets satisfaction with others.
No need to suffer. If you find out about cheating, do not remain silent, but talk to your spouse. There's nothing wrong with that. Then you will decide for yourself what to do and how to forgive your husband’s infidelity, and most importantly, is it worth it.
If you were told about the adventures of your loved one " good people", don't get excited. There are many envious people in the world. Only a conversation with your husband will clarify the situation. There is no need to trust friends and girlfriends, because many people, out of envy, try to bring discord into the family. However, if an unpleasant situation does occur, do not rush to break up, think about how to forgive your husband after cheating. Especially if it was just one time.
When a couple has been married for several years, they become family and friends. Friends, acquaintances, even parents fade into the background. However, everyone makes mistakes. It happens that a man cheated on his wife by accident. For example, I drank too much at a party. Your wife should not admit to a casual affair. After all, this will give you nothing but a quarrel. A woman may not understand a casual relationship.
After betrayal, a man must try to improve if he wants to save his family. Think about what prompted you to take such a step and who is to blame for what happened. If you recognize a casual relationship, then try to go to parties with your spouse. IN Hard time she will stop you.
Women do not always understand how to forget and forgive their husband’s betrayal. Therefore, do not aggravate the situation, because your beloved may simply not give you a second chance.
As mentioned earlier, a married couple is the closest people. Over time, a person begins to understand and feel more about his soulmate. But when betrayal occurs, all good things are forgotten. And everyone blames their significant other for this situation.
If the husband cheated, the wife should not remain silent and pretend that everything is fine. After all, if you try to save your family in this way, sooner or later you will remember all the disappointments and insults to your unfaithful spouse. As a result, you will live with endless scandals.
Never give ultimatums. You cannot scare with children or with your suicide. A man does not like such statements, so you will push him away.
Don't forget about cheating. Memories cannot be erased with an eraser. Just talk in a calm environment. If a man cheated but loves you, then everything is not so bad. More often those women suffer for whom the partner does not feel anything. Without love there is no family past relationships and romance.
There is no need to take revenge. This will give you nothing but self-loathing. Then you will no longer think about how you can forgive your husband’s betrayal. After all, you repaid him in the same coin and you will be ashamed of yourself and your actions.
Why forgive an unfaithful spouse?
If you continue to love your husband, and he cannot live without you, then there is nothing wrong with forgiveness. It's just that at some point you both lost contact. Of course, there is no need to put pressure on your husband with children. Think, if you still have fresh feelings, you still remain family and friends, then forgiveness is the best way out from the current situation.
If you don’t know how to forgive your husband’s betrayal and move on, psychologists advise remembering all the good things that happened between you. Many couples find it helpful to restart the initial stage of a relationship, romance. Try to create for your spouse unforgettable dinner, followed by the same night. You'll see, everything will definitely work out for you.
Infidelity most often does not enter a family immediately after marriage. As a rule, only after a few years of married life does a feeling of emptiness and boredom appear. Therefore, people look for entertainment on the side.
How to forgive your husband's betrayal? A psychologist's advice is often valuable. You just need to listen to a specialist who is well versed in family relationships. The psychologist knows that it is difficult to forgive betrayal, sometimes even impossible. However, it must be remembered that every person has the right not only to make a mistake, but also to a second chance. After all, there are no ideal people.
Famous family psychologist Irina Rakhimova argues that it is necessary to forgive. After all, the future of not only the couple themselves, but also the children, is built on this. Unforgiveness destroys relationships, feelings and the person himself.
Therefore, do not think for long about how to forgive your husband for cheating. The advice of a psychologist is useful in this regard, and you need to listen to it.
I still forgave
So, cheating occurred when the couple was married. Only wise women They will react to the situation more calmly if they do find out about this unpleasant fact. It is necessary to remain balanced in such a situation. After all, for a man, betrayal is sometimes an empty phrase. He treats what happened as normal sex. A woman experiences a hard time and does not always forgive.
Look at the remorse. If the husband really regrets what happened, he will not talk about it to everyone and everywhere, but will try to smooth out the relationship by any means. If you see genuine repentance, then think about how to forgive your husband for his betrayal and save the family.
Sooner or later, you two will need to start a new life without each other. Are you ready for this? If not, then you can forgive your cheater.
Does the husband deserve forgiveness?
You shouldn’t immediately reassure your husband and tell him that he just stumbled. After all, forgiveness must be earned. Therefore, many women, after the fact of betrayal, attach this special meaning for the sake of the beloved to suffer.
If you try to immediately forgive your beloved, it is not a fact that tomorrow he will not repeat his mistake. Betrayal can continue for a very long time until the family collapses. There is no need to make a scandal, just explain to your loved one that he hurt you very much. Sometimes it is necessary to bring your husband to such a state so that he truly repents.
You only need to forgive when you are truly ready to start over and not remember the past. If you know that in any case you will remind a man of his adventures, then the only thing left to do is get a divorce and separate forever.
New life
Many couples do not know how to get the wife to forgive her husband’s infidelity. It turns out that everything is very simple. For a man, sex and love are two different things. If he has not lost feelings for his wife, then the couple has every chance to start a new life and forget all the grievances.
It’s much worse when feelings for your once beloved have cooled. Then nothing will help. No matter how much you want to forgive and forget, your husband will not return because he fell in love with another woman. To prevent this from happening, a representative of the fairer sex should always be well-groomed and friendly. This is the first thing men pay attention to. If you can become like this, then the road to a new life is open to you.
Conclusion
First of all, the psychologist asks the woman whose husband has cheated on her whether she is ready to create a new relationship. As statistics have shown, not all women want to radically change their lives. It can be very difficult to build new relationships. If a woman is not ready for change, then she usually does not mind restoring what was. In most cases, infidelity is forgiven, grievances are forgotten and a new life begins with the same partner.
The betrayal of a loved one brings serious changes to the life of a couple, sometimes it destroys them old feelings. Harmony disappears, anger and mistrust appear. The event is perceived especially acutely by the fair sex, who are characterized by emotional fragility and sensitivity. Spiritual emptiness, depression, uselessness, pain - these are not all the sensations that arise in the heart of a devotee.
Depression often appears after a husband’s betrayal - complete despondency and disappointment in life. Medicine classifies this phenomenon as a mental disorder, an illness. The disease must be detected and treated in time! There are cases when melancholy ended in a psychiatric hospital or suicide. It is necessary to overcome apathy by any means before it overcomes a person.
How to cope with depression after your husband cheats? To give an answer, you need to identify the disease. Main signs of the phenomenon:
- constant apathy, loss of performance;
- sleep disturbance, insomnia in the evening, in the morning it is impossible to open your eyes;
- chronic fatigue;
- obsessive thoughts;
- loss of appetite or constant hunger;
- nightmares at night;
- mood swings from aggression to sadness, despair;
- desire to avoid people;
- anxiety, unreasonable fear.
Having discovered characteristic symptoms, you should contact a psychotherapist or psychologist. The first one can prescribe antidepressants and prescribe a course of treatment. The second specialist will consult about emotions, listen and give advice. Don't be ashamed of the problem, it's not a sign of mental illness. Healthy people also need specialist help.
Should I forgive the traitor or not?
The main task in such a situation is to decide how to live after the betrayal. Think, can you continue to live in love and understanding? Forgive your spouse? It takes time to recover, move away from the blow and make a fair choice. It is recommended to weigh everything well and take the arguments into account. The future depends on the decision.
If you forgive an unfaithful person, let go of the grievances and try to quickly forget what happened. Can you trust your spouse? The absence of this feeling will make it impossible to restore the marriage. Find the strength to forgive, listen to the motives of the action, forget about pride. If it was done by mistake, frivolously, or has no basis in feelings, the man deserves a second chance. There are couples who note that their relationship after the test moved to a new level and became stronger.
If you feel that resentment is forever stuck in your soul, that love is gone, then the only way out is divorce. The following situations will help push you to a solution:
- Husband's feelings for the homewrecker. It is impossible to love two. Having let someone else into your heart, there is no longer room for a spouse.
- Lack of remorse, accusations towards the offended party. This behavior indicates a lack of awareness of the offense and the possibility of repetition of the offense. The lover will regret what he did. Lack of repentance is a sign that there are no true feelings.
- The husband himself wants to leave. You won't be nice by force. The lady can only let go of the unfaithful man.
- The wife's unwillingness to forgive and understand the behavior of her husband. It is impossible to live with constant reproaches and reminders. Darling can't stand it constant quarrels and will soon leave. It is better not to delay separation, because making a decision later will cause more suffering.
Fears and mistakes
Depression is accompanied by a fear of loneliness. Does the phobia arise after thinking about how to live further after betrayal? It seems to a woman that she will never get married and will be without a family. An empty apartment and a cold bed escalate the situation and aggravate the agony.
The wife is trying to overcome her phobia by making peace with her husband. She submits to requests and humiliation in order to get out of this situation. This decision is a mistake. If you cannot forgive or forget the act, but simply leave the traitor out of fear, you risk being unhappy all your life. Love is not built on the goal of “not being lonely”; it needs real feelings.
What to do No need
Popular mistakes when overcoming depression:
- Self-flagellation, fencing off from the outside world. Closedness will lead to concentration on the negative, inability to be distracted.
- Excessive aggression towards the traitor. Such a reaction will alienate the person and make reconciliation impossible.
- Random sexual relations. Depraved behavior will not be able to prove attractiveness and demand from the opposite sex. Rash actions will lead to the stigma of “an easily accessible young lady” and unpleasant rumors.
- Sects. The actions of such organizations are not aimed at consoling a person, but at emptying a person’s wallet.
- Alcohol. They say that alcohol helps you forget and relaxes you. Shutting down won't solve problems. Having sobered up, the person again remembers the trouble and plunges into sad thoughts. The headache will be a bonus.
- Binge eating. It is impossible to eat away grief. You only risk getting extra pounds and health problems.
- Financial waste. Shopping will not replace relationships and will not heal mental wounds.
How to overcome stress?
Depression is a dangerous condition that needs to be overcome as soon as possible. How to get out of depression after your husband cheats? Men suffer from betrayal no less than the opposite sex. Are they worried about how to get out of depression after their wife cheated? After the betrayal, nothing is interesting, the surroundings have acquired gray tones, but try to find your joy. The best distractions, according to psychologists, are:
- Communication with relatives and friends. Speak out, ask your loved ones for advice. Loyal people They will console you and help you find a way out. Everyone has a friend who will defuse the situation and cheer you up.
- Contact a psychologist. The specialist will give precise recommendations suitable in a particular case.
- A change of scenery. It's here the right time for traveling. New impressions and acquaintances are a good distraction. If there is no opportunity for travel, repairs, rearranging things, and general cleaning of the house will do.
- Absorbed into work. Things will take up all your thoughts. There will be no time left for sadness. Don’t forget that business should bring pleasure, be a calling.
- Change of image. New hairstyle, makeup, and clothing style will help you transform yourself externally and internally. In addition, the attention of the opposite sex is guaranteed. The traitor, seeing the prettier missus, will do everything for forgiveness.
- Fresh air. Stay outside more. This will improve your sleep and well-being.
- Sport is an excellent medicine. Physical activity, conducting healthy image life heals not only the body, but also the soul. The most popular options are swimming, yoga, meditation, which relax and calm.
- Music, singing, dancing will give positive emotions and help you recover. Choose funny songs and don't be sad.
- Entertainment. Visiting cafes, clubs, theaters, concerts, bowling alleys and other events is a great idea.
- Hobbies: cooking, books, handicrafts, foreign languages, photography.
- Don't remember what you experienced. Get rid of things that resemble a bad marriage, avoid places that are associated with a traitor.
How long does it take for calm to come? There is no specific universal answer to the question. For every person recovery period different. In some situations, life returns to normal within a month. Others have been depressed for years. Make every effort to quickly forget the betrayal, use everything available methods way out of the situation, and soon get rid of melancholy.
Conflict prevention
It gets easier over time. The offense is gradually forgotten, and other experiences, joys and sorrows appear. Having gotten rid of depression, a woman begins a new life. Some start it without their ex, others build a future with their spouse. In all cases, adhere to certain rules that will save the family and prevent the pain from recurring.
The repentant man returned to his native walls. The woman has forgiven, but there is a crack in the relationship. Any misconduct or wrong tactics in restoring the former can destroy harmony. It is important for the fair sex to remember the rules for building strong relationships:
- Avoid reminders of the incident, lover.
- Express trust in your other half: without interrogations, unnecessary calls, SMS checks, emails.
- Start with a clean slate. Make a man fall in love again, break up your routine with dates, romance, and spending time together.
- Find moments that bring you together: hobbies, work.
When building a relationship with your husband or another person, try to avoid situations that provoke the appearance of a mistress. Follow these recommendations:
- Be more reserved. Hysterics and quarrels are repulsive and contribute to the emergence of conflicts.
- Take care of yourself. IN home environment you look beautiful, well-groomed.
- Spend time with your beloved, listen to his problems, advise.
- Become a good housewife and lover. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. It is equally important to satisfy your spouse in bed.
