What to do when loved ones betray you. Living after your husband's betrayal! How to cope with pain

Betrayal is always a powerful blow that unsettles you for a long time and forces you to reconsider your priorities. However, the betrayal of a loved one who has already become important part life, is initiated into many secrets and knows pain points, akin to a little death. To survive it, you need to have enormous strength, as well as feel the support of family or friends who will help if you lack internal resources.

A loved one betrayed: how to survive this?

This is probably one of the most painful blows that life can deal.

But betrayal is not death or even a fatal disease, it’s just another test.

And you will cope with it, and you will also enjoy Valentine’s Day, choose a gift for your loved one, and make incredible plans for a shared vacation.

• Understand the situation. Not the fact of betrayal, but its reason. Well, you never know, what if it wasn’t your loved one who cheated on you, but you simply stopped loving him and stayed with him only out of developed habit, and he simply couldn’t stand your indifference. Life is an unpredictable thing. If it really turned out that he turned out to be a scoundrel, thank fate for letting you down in time. After all, you could have stayed with this person without knowing his essence. And betrayal, although cruel, is a lesson.
• You have the right to be weak. Especially when it hurts. You can cry, break dishes, scream, tear up shared photographs. But this cannot last long. Throw out your emotions in one flash, then pack up his things, throw away the gifts, delete all contacts and don’t throw any more tantrums. Now energy will be needed to restore mental balance.
• Life goes on. How many girls claim that they will die without their beloved? Every third, probably. But that's not true. The man left, but life continued. You feel bad, just disgusting in your soul, but you are alive, breathing, hearing, seeing. He was not your oxygen or anything else vitally important. Just a person, and not the best and most reliable, as it turned out. But you have family, friends, a favorite hobby, favorite music and much more. Appreciate what you have and don’t let betrayal take away your other joys. There is no need to ask who is to blame and what to do now with this guilty person. Just live.
• Look for new experiences. This always works. To smooth out one impression, you need to get another. If you sit within four walls, melancholy eating chocolate, and avoid communicating with other people, very quickly your grief will reach a universal scale and overshadow all the joys of life. Get a hold of yourself. At night I cried into my pillow, in the morning I masked the redness of my eyes and went to the cinema, to a music festival, or even to a macrame club, if you have long wanted to master this tricky science.
• Forgive the one who betrayed you. This is probably the most difficult thing. But the resentment and anger that accumulate in you can poison all the good that remains. Breathe deeply and calmly, with each exhalation release your emotions, say to yourself: “I’m not angry, I forgive him and let him go.” Believe me, there will be a lot of good things in your life, and to miss it for the sake of being offended by one person is simply stupid.

How to survive betrayal at 40?

It’s one thing when betrayal overtakes you in your youth, another thing when you’re 40 years old. Life has already settled down and seems reliable, like the universe. But it is not over; on the contrary, it is in full swing. Yes, the pain of being betrayed by a loved one is strong at any age, but at 40 you already have worldly wisdom, knowledge and the ability to cope with difficulties. You probably already have children who can support you in difficult situation. Moreover, thanks to them, your life has meaning even without the departed person. If you are alone, try to consider this situation as a second chance.

At 50 years old?

A person who has already lived half his life develops a special philosophy. Of course, it all depends on the character, but most people aged 50 years and older are quite calm about the ups and downs of life and various troubles. If you are betrayed by a loved one, all you have to do is let him go and forget. But remember the main thing: 50 years is not the same extreme old age, as it may seem. You are just a woman in the prime of her strength and wisdom, who is capable of attracting a man, especially if you take care of yourself, wear beautiful clothes, and don’t wrap yourself in robes, deliberately aging yourself.

Perhaps right now you have the opportunity to fulfill your cherished desires, go on a trip, learn new language. The children have grown up, you are free, independent of someone’s opinions and desires. So take advantage of it.

It only depends on you. How painfully you experience betrayal, how much you love this person, are you ready to forget about everything just to be with him? But think about whether you can rejoice at your chosen one, still trust him unconditionally, love him selflessly, constantly feeling the thorn of his betrayal. And is this torment worth it? happy life with another person who will not offend you and will appreciate you?

Of course, you can forgive him, you even must - but not for his sake, but for your own sake, in order to make room for creative feelings. But it’s better not to stay with someone who once managed to step over you, because it may happen again.

What to do with relationships?

Can there be any kind of relationship after betrayal? Of course, this bitter knowledge does not always immediately lead to separation; you can still try to mend the fragments of broken trust and establish some kind of communication. But admit it to yourself honestly: is it necessary to do this?

The best thing to do is to put all the memories in a box and throw them away. It’s difficult, hard, very painful, but necessary. However, it's only your choice.

Don't make mistakes that will ruin your life. Even the most severe suffering passes, and while you are alive, and there are people worth living for, control yourself.

• No alcohol! In films, the characters sit so beautifully at the bar or drink at home, but in life everything is much more prosaic. First of all, a drunk woman looks completely unattractive. Secondly, alcohol may allow you to forget for a while, but then the awareness of the situation will come even stronger. We hope that your plans do not include becoming an alcoholic? The maximum you can afford: a friendly drinking session with best friend who will stop you when you exceed your limit, comfort and listen while you cry on her shoulder.
• Don't be a bitch. Another mistake that girls often make: I was offended, now I will offend everyone. Attack – good protection only in sports and in discussions, but in relationships you need to be able to maintain a human appearance. If you are angry, address your emotions only to the person who caused them. But there is no need to punish other people for it, especially since one of them could become your new happiness.
• Stay kind and compassionate. The best way to forget your grief is to help someone in their misfortune. If a friend or acquaintance comes to you and doesn’t know about the situation in your life, you don’t need to curse him for his callousness. It’s better to try to help, and then, you’ll see, you’ll feel better.

It is not always possible to survive betrayal on your own or even with friends. In this case, it is better to contact a specialist so that he can help you find the right path.

1. Sign up for a session. There is no shame in turning to a psychologist; it is worse if you cannot cope with your emotions. A psychologist is simply a person who can objectively and soberly assess your situation, point out what you don’t see, and help you find the key to the door behind which your subconscious is hiding important answers. Your job is to follow the recommendations. If you are not your own enemy, be honest with him, because you are helping yourself.
2. Keep a happiness diary. It could even be a pocket notebook in which you will write down all the good things that happened to you during the day. You saw a rainbow, they gave you a seat in the transport, you were able to help someone. It is important to focus on the positive, and then it will fill your life.
3. Use positive attitudes. Don’t apply negative definitions to yourself: abandoned, unhappy, poor. You should be joyful, interesting, free, independent. Believe me, your life is shaped by your thinking. If you feel sorry for yourself and constantly cry at your villainous fate, then you will be pathetic and unhappy. And this will not help you attract positivity into your life.

Answers to other frequently asked questions

How to survive pain?

To survive heartache, caused by the betrayal of a loved one, takes time, sometimes a lot of time. The main condition: you need to continue to live, instead of gloomily fixating on one moment, even such a painful one.

• Look to the future. Imagine the situation: you are standing at a bus stop in winter, you are very cold, very hungry, you want to go home, but there is no transport. You feel that it’s just a little longer and you’ll burst into tears of despair. But then your bus arrives, you warm up a little in it, half an hour later you enter a warm house, change into home clothes, crawl under a warm blanket and drink hot tea with sandwiches. You're happy, aren't you? Could you have thought just an hour ago that you would be happy? That’s how it is with the pain of betrayal: it will go away, it just takes time. And you have the power to mentally transport yourself to the future, where resentment is no longer so strong, where there is a place for simple joys and bright emotions. The more vividly you imagine this time, the faster it will come.
• Do what you love. Nothing helps lift your spirits like doing something you love. If you have a hobby that you can do all day and night, do it. Try to focus on him, give him all your emotions, try to achieve perfection in every detail. If you manage to switch, after a while the severity of the pain will smooth out, and gradually fade away, leaving only unpleasant memories.
• Remember yourself in the past. Remember the grievances and experiences that at some stage in your life seemed worse to you than anything else in the world. Has it passed? What emotions do they evoke now? True, everything doesn’t seem as hopeless as it did then? The current state will pass, and someday you will remember it with bewilderment.

Surviving betrayal and maintaining faith in humanity, love and people is very difficult. Especially when the world seems mean and unreliable. And it’s good if you have friends nearby, proven over the years, through various trials and temptations, who will lend a shoulder and won’t let you sink to the bottom. But if the pain is so strong that you want to close yourself and never talk to anyone again? How to deal with it.

• Time cures. This Golden Rule does not fail. Gradually, you will stop reacting so strongly to memories of what happened. Yes, the fact itself will not go away, but your attitude towards it will change, and life will become easier.
• Don't generalize."He broke-up with me! All men are like that – traitors and assholes!” Similar phrases are often said by abandoned girls. But is this really so? Look how much happy couples around, how many people have created families and lived together all their lives. Don't recklessly give up your happiness because of one painful experience. If this is not the first time in your life, it’s better to try to understand yourself rather than blaming the whole world.
• Remember the good things. Surely there are people in your life who are faithful and love you, who have already proven more than once that you can trust them. Remember them good qualities, focus on what they did for you. Try to see positive sides people: there are guaranteed to be more of them than negative ones.
• Do good yourself. This, oddly enough, is one of the most current methods don't be disappointed in people. Take part in a charity event, become a volunteer, help social workers. You will see how many wonderful, kind and sympathetic people in the world are able to rush to help even to a stranger. Can one traitor block all this positivity?

Every lesson, even the most painful one, is needed for some reason. Be a wise student and move on, remembering the mistakes you have made, then in the future everything will be easier and better.

At the first stage, betrayal devastates the soul, then comes resentment, anger and a thirst for revenge. And only after some time can they be replaced by forgiveness. But that depends on your luck. Below we will look at the very first stage of people’s condition after the betrayal of loved ones - emptiness, when faith leaves the soul, and with it trust in people.

What constitutes betrayal?

The classic definition of betrayal sounds like a gross failure to fulfill a duty to someone who is counting on it or a violation of loyalty to someone, be it a loved one, a child, parents, close friends or work colleagues. Babies come into this world helpless and for the first few years of their lives they trust only their mother, seeking her help and support. Then, as their social activity increases, the circle of people with whom the child comes into contact expands. He already realizes that in the world, besides his loving parents, there are other people with whom he will have to learn to interact. These are little friends in the sandbox, and teachers in kindergarten, and other people's uncles, and aunts with whom his parents communicate, etc. AND little man he needs to learn to figure out which of them is his friend and which is not. But no matter how well a child learns to understand people in childhood, he is not immune from betrayal throughout his life. And at any moment he may find himself in front of reverse side a mirror in which there is nothing, only emptiness. And at this moment he may feel that his world has collapsed. And this state must be experienced with dignity.

How does betrayal happen?

Repeatedly held social surveys showed that betrayal came as a surprise to most people. Their trust was broken in the things that mattered most to them. And along with him, faith in people disappeared. From this we can conclude that it is impossible to foresee betrayal. And, accordingly, it is also impossible to insure against it. Any betrayal, even if we have already experienced it before, is for us a complete surprise. And the feelings that destroy our soul flare up again with the same severity.

State after betrayal

Unambiguous advice on how to behave after betrayal, experienced psychologists They still can’t give it. Despite the fact that this issue is being studied in depth these days. Betrayal is considered to be a difficult life situation, so the problem of effective behavior after it is quite acute.

Practicing psychologists who deal with the most difficult cases use the theory of coping, developed in 1987 by the famous American psychologist A. Maslow. It was he who coined the term coping behavior, which means the use of various behavioral attempts to solve internal and external problems that plague a person. In other words, coping behavior can be called a person’s readiness to solve the problems he has accumulated, using different methods. And the sooner he comes to this, the better.

Let’s imagine the opposite situation, when a person’s actions are governed not by common sense, but by raw emotions. Behavior in this case will be expressive. For example, an abandoned woman will first feel deep resentment, then righteous anger, and after that she will fall into depression. Moreover, when going through all these three stages, she will act under the influence of those emotions that are currently raging in her soul. Namely, to beg to return and curse, scold with the last words and forgive, thereby confusing the already difficult situation. But this will not help solve the problem. Therefore, you need to try to control your emotions and try to get rid of the negativity that has accumulated in your soul.

Correct behavior after betrayal

The answer to the question of how to behave after betrayal is ridiculously simple. First of all, you need to calm down, and then think about what to do next. That is, first we think, and then we act. And in no case is it the other way around. And most importantly, you need to figure out what exactly prompted the other person to betray you. Maybe you were doing something wrong?

Only a close person whom we trusted, whom we trusted, turned our backs without fear, shared mysteries and secrets, and placed certain hopes, can betray. But was it worth doing? Psychologists have noticed that the strength of our feelings about the betrayal of a loved one is directly proportional to the responsibility for our fate voluntarily transferred to him. After all, it is those people who are helpless and dependent who are most often betrayed than those who control their own lives and destinies. Women even perceive their husband's leaving the family differently. For some, this is a catastrophe on a universal scale; for others, it is a vicissitude of fate. In this case, it can even be perceived as a gift, allowing you to become convinced of your self-sufficiency and try to live without it. The picture of the world will be restored quite quickly and soon the woman will be happy with her new husband, but this time she will no longer trust him completely.

Betrayal by mistake

The usual review of situations effectively helps to get rid of worries about betrayal, from which you can conclude that your traitor is not a cold-blooded villain at all. He could simply have made a mistake, so he can be understood and forgiven.

As practice shows, when a loved one betrays, both parties suffer. After all, the motive for this ugly act is usually sad and can be regarded as weakness. If we are talking about betrayal in married life, then the partner’s weakness may be his work colleague, for whom he has serious sympathy. And then the circumstances come into play, due to which they ended up together in a suitable place and the right time, and bad luck when the wife found out that she was being deceived. In other words, the husband did not want to offend his wife, circumstances just happened that way. He showed weakness, and the weak must be forgiven.

If you fail to understand and forgive, and you still want to take revenge, consider him 100% guilty, then think about the degree of your guilt in what happened. After all, it was you who allowed the creation of this sad situation by trusting a traitor. You allowed your trust to be abused, which means you were also mistaken just like him.

How to force yourself to forgive?

There are situations when a person who has experienced betrayal cannot forgive his offender and continues to think about revenge. No matter how strange it may sound, revenge will not only not help, but will also aggravate this whole difficult situation. It will not add exclusivity to you and will not solve the problem. Therefore, if you cannot forgive, then try to at least understand the traitor. To do this, you need to think and delve into yourself in order to finally understand what exactly you did wrong that your offender decided to do such an ugly act. He probably also felt very bad at that moment for some serious reason. And these reasons, most likely, were you. And this means that you, in turn, also, without knowing it, caused him harm. Now all that remains is to understand exactly how this happened. As you understand, you can forgive. And immediately after that you will feel better.

Treacherous people pretend to be your best friends just to hang around you. However, as soon as you turn your back, they betray you by spreading lies and gossip about you. Whatever the reasons for such behavior, it is important to be able to protect yourself from them. If such a situation continues for a long time, then you should find a way to stop its influence on your life. Thus, you need to either improve relations with the traitor or throw him out of your life.

Steps

Part 1

Protecting ourselves from a hypocrite

Check and double-check the information before you take action. People have a tendency to exaggerate when they spread rumors, and you may be overreacting to something that didn't actually happen. If your fears are justified, act.

Keep gossip to a minimum on your part. Don't spread rumors in the company of strangers. You may be tempted to be helpful and start sharing gossip you've heard about your teacher or boss, but who knows who others might pass on your words to. If you cannot refrain from gossiping or complaining about someone, do so only in the company of people who do not know the person you are talking about.

• You can listen to gossip and rumors from other people, as long as you do not take part in them yourself. If you can’t stop gossiping, then at least try to listen more and talk less.

1. Build a good relationship with the people who surround you. Be friendly and kind, even with strangers. This way, if someone starts spreading gossip about you, others will be less likely to side with them.

   • Treat everyone at work with respect, not just your immediate colleagues and management. If you only care about these relationships, you may inadvertently offend the secretary, intern, or lower-ranking colleague who reminds you of this.

2. Learn to recognize the signs of hypocrisy and betrayal early on. The more time a traitor spends spreading lies about you and harming you, the more difficult it will be to repair the damage done. If you spot signs of treachery early, you can fend off attacks before they gain momentum. Please be aware of the following warning signs:

   • You hear rumors about things you didn't do or say.
   • You said something to someone personally, and now everyone knows about it.
   • People have stopped sharing information with you, assigning work tasks, or inviting you to events that they used to invite you to.
   • People start treating you coldly or unfriendly for reasons you don't understand.

3. Remember that not all annoying behavior is a sign of betrayal. Make sure you don't make mountains out of molehills when you accuse a person of being a hypocrite. Unflattering behavior, such as systematic tardiness, negligence or narcissism, is typical of thoughtless people and is not necessarily a sign of betrayal. Misdeeds such as canceling a meeting at the last minute or neglecting your phone call are also not signs of hypocrisy.

   Start keeping notes about events that happen. As soon as you begin to suspect someone of treason, get into the habit of writing down all suspicious incidents. Write down everything that happened and why you think the person wanted to hurt you on purpose. This will make it easier for you to evaluate what is happening and figure out in which case an unpleasant event is part of the general attitude towards you, and in which case it is a simple misunderstanding.

   Try to recognize a traitor. When you see signs of targeted harm, take a closer look at people's behavior to narrow down the suspects. Carefully observe the behavior of possible traitors before drawing any conclusions. Rudeness towards you may just be the result of a bad day. Here are a few behaviors to watch out for:

   • Discuss with someone you trust and ask to keep the conversation confidential.
   • If you suspect someone in particular, talk to someone who knows him but is not his friend. If there is no reliable person in your sight who fits this description, discuss it with someone who does not know him - describe the behavior of this person, not your opinion about him.

4. Don't become a hypocrite and a traitor yourself. You may be tempted to take revenge on this person with his own weapon. Don't let yourself be pulled into something like this. This way you will most likely worsen the situation, ruin your mood and become even more emotionally immersed in what is happening. Moreover, it will damage your reputation even if you deal with the traitor (which is unlikely).

   Part 2

   Dealing with a traitorous friend

   1. Calm down. Sometimes people just do nasty things, but in reality it results in betrayal. Anger and irritation will not improve the situation. It is in your best interest (short and long term) to remain calm and focus on the practical side of things. There is no need to ignore the situation. Just try to do your usual activities.

      Appeal to the traitor's positive personality traits. Treating a traitor with kindness is probably the last thing you want to do, but if you calm down a little and sincerely try to understand his position, you can really improve the situation. Most passive-aggressive people, which includes traitors, think that they have to resort to sneaky and hurtful methods because they are not appreciated.

      • Invite the traitor to some event. Do something fun and distracting that will make the traitor feel good about you again.

   2. Challenge the hypocrite to a direct dialogue. Contact him personally, write a message or send an email if a face-to-face conversation is not possible. In a polite manner, make it clear that you want to discuss recent events. Make sure the conversation stays between you.

      Describe the situation honestly. Don't threaten. Talk about incidents that hurt you and how they affected you. Ask the person to confirm facts (for example, a message or letter they sent, etc.).

      Listen to your interlocutor. Chances are your friend doesn't want to be mad at you for the rest of his life. Give him the opportunity to get his point across without interrupting or getting angry. There is always the possibility that you were wrong and that the situation is much more complicated than you thought.

      Ask for forgiveness for everything you did wrong. Even if it seems to you that your friend is more to blame, look at the situation through his eyes. Apologize if you misunderstood and accidentally offended him, even if you were partially at fault.

      Forgive your friend when you feel ready. If you want to rebuild your friendship, you need to forgive each other for the mistakes you've made. Even if the relationship can no longer be repaired, forgiveness will help you move on and stop worrying about the betrayal.

      Talk about your friendship and current problems. Be frank and open. If something goes wrong, discuss it one-on-one. If one of you is upset about specific actions or repeated behavior of the other, talk about it. Let your friend know how you feel.

   3. Be prepared for change. After you have discussed your problems, you need to prepare yourself to make changes that will help restore trust between you. Maybe you need to find new ones joint activities to spend more time together if the usual pastime does not suit your friend. If a friend tells you that your words hurt him, remember this and try to avoid nicknames, intonations and habits that hurt him.

      • Mistakes are inevitable, especially if you are trying to break old habits. Apologize if you made a mistake; forgive your friend if he made a mistake.

   4. If your attempts fail, end the friendship. Sometimes trust cannot be restored and betrayal ends the friendship. If you've done everything in your power and it doesn't work, you need to find a way to move on.

      • By this point, you have most likely already had a conversation about friendship and betrayal. If your friend has not expressed a desire to correct the situation, simply stop communicating with him.
      • If you both have already made attempts to restore friendship, but were not successful, then calmly discuss the current situation and stop communicating.
      • Sometimes ending a friendship comes naturally. You need to invite your friend to events less and less often, and periodically do not answer his calls. Ignoring them completely may hurt the person, but gradually moving away will lead to a breakup, making the process less painful.

Betrayal is a fairly broad concept, by which people can understand the most different cases. When psychologists are asked the question, how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, we can talk about treason, breaking a promise, giving out secret information to strangers, or some other actions. However, in each of the listed cases, what remains unchanged is that after a loved one betrays us, a painful trace remains in the soul, and along with trust in this person, faith in other people disappears.

Learning to cope with the emotional wound caused by betrayal is, of course, not easy, but it must be done. The betrayal of a sincerely loved person usually hurts the most, because it is to him, hoping for support and understanding, that the most intimate secrets are entrusted, and if trouble happens, it is his support that one has to count on. And after he betrays us, unbearable pain remains: psychologists believe that any betrayal is perceived by us as betrayal, and moral betrayal can hit much harder than physical betrayal. Silent suffering does not carry anything positive for the future person; every person needs to find the strength to cope with the blow and begin to live a full life.

What to do if your loved one betrays you

In most cases, when you have to experience the betrayal of a loved one, the victim of betrayal is literally overwhelmed by various emotions. It is emotions that are the cause of all thoughts and actions that arise in this case. For example, a woman whose husband has cheated begins to look for the reason for his action, delve into herself in search of her shortcomings and, in most cases, blames herself for her husband’s betrayal. The next day she is filled with hatred for her husband, and the next day usually comes the turn of depression and endless tears. Psychologists say that if you start thinking about how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, then all of the above is absolutely wrong, since the existing problem will never be solved in this way.

So, the most important thing is to try to express your emotions and not let them get the better of you. First of all, you need to get rid of all your worries, but you shouldn’t withdraw into yourself, hiding from problems and emotions “under the covers,” waiting for your inner pain to subside. If a woman who has experienced betrayal feels that in order to get rid of emotions, she needs to scream or break dishes, psychologists advise doing just that. For some, calmer methods will help: for example, putting your thoughts on paper. The main rule is to remember that pain that has not found a way out will hide inside the body, and subsequently will certainly manifest itself in the form of some kind of disease.

How to behave when you manage to give vent to your emotions

When you yell or let off “steam” in another way, psychologists advise trying to pretend that all the terrible things didn’t happen to you. In order to understand how to survive the betrayal of a loved one, you need to completely distance yourself from what happened: for example, communicate with him only when necessary. There is no need to go anywhere for this: after all, this is possible, unfortunately, not in every case. It would be much more correct to learn to move away from yourself everything that happened until it no longer causes you pain.

How to learn to live after betrayal

For every person who has been betrayed, the most pressing question is how to survive the betrayal of a loved one. Experienced experts recommend remembering those friends whom you have not seen for many years: after the experience comes the most best time to visit them. If circumstances force you to stay at work, try to take on the most interesting and exciting responsibilities, and try to avoid too difficult tasks, so that if you don’t have enough strength to complete them, you won’t fail.

If possible, it is recommended to devote time to your favorite hobbies: if you are an avid theatergoer, spend your “stash” on tickets, and if you “dream” about traveling, try to go on vacation. Doing what you love is The best way“clearing” your brain, especially if it leads you to a new, non-binding romance.