If you start living with a guy. The main women's mistakes at the beginning of life together

Accept that conflicts are inevitable

The romantic candy-bouquet period in a relationship logically leads to the fact that lovers begin to live together. And so, when you found yourself in the same area, pushed snowboards and mixers into the corners and determined a place for the “plasma,” ordinary life began.

It is at this stage that “lived happily ever after” all ends. beautiful stories love, but the fun begins: having occupied a common living space, you will slowly begin to find out who is responsible for leaking taps, clean floors, and delicious dinners. And you still have to agree on where you celebrate the main holidays, how you spend your vacation, how you treat guests. And, if there are already children (people with children after a divorce also find love and get married, yes) - who and when takes them from kindergarten schools.

“Getting used to it means creating a family frame that is built from rituals, common habits, agreements and understanding of what is acceptable in your relationship and what is not,” explains psychologist Nadezhda Kuzmina and warns that on average this process can take about a year. It took so long also because many couples may unconsciously resist changes in the lifestyle to which they are accustomed.

Resolve conflicts yourself

If in romantic relationships people try very hard to show off the best side, then, having settled in the same apartment, it becomes difficult for them to hide their shortcomings. It turns out that it is doubly pleasant to note that a partner is also imperfect: anyone can throw socks around the apartment, regardless of gender.

Quarrels and reproaches begin. And not only for everyday reasons: it may suddenly turn out that he likes to spend quiet weekends at home, and she wants to meet with friends, go outdoors or go to the movies.

Nadezhda Kuzmina shares her observation: “It’s quite difficult to calmly resolve conflicts and dot the i’s.” simple feature Russian mentality: people are too accustomed to turning to relatives and friends for advice, instead of discussing the problem with each other.”

Not only can a stranger, in principle, not give advice on how to solve your particular problem, constant complaints about your partner to friends or relatives form the opinion that he is a terrible person, and your relationship consists only of scandals.

Therefore, the solution is simple: agree that your task as a couple is to study and, if possible, accept each other’s habits without involving third parties.

Don't compete with each other

Living together is always a search for compromise. Mature partnerships, in fact, are built on the fact that two adults can agree. “In many couples there is competition, most often hidden, for the right to be considered the “man of the house.” But, being in constant struggle for power, it is difficult to create comfortable, secure relationship“- says Nadezhda Kuzmina.

How does this rivalry manifest itself? In small details, words, actions, the purpose of which is to humiliate the partner, standing out against his background. Women can skillfully use reproaches for their partner’s inattention: “Well, when you went grocery shopping, you forgot to buy milk! And I asked for a powder cleaner, not a liquid one!” Men are no less insidious, finding sophisticated ways to hint at their partner’s lack of housekeeping or lack of femininity: “Mom made soup not just with meat, but with meatballs!”

It seems to many that they have already become so close that they can safely tell each other “the whole truth.” But intimacy is about respect, support, understanding. And not about “hurray, finally we can no longer stand on ceremony”!

If you say to each other: “Next time, please buy milk” or “Cook for me sometime” - there will be much less reason for quarrels.

Learn to ask

By the way, there is such a tradition - to remain silent about your desires, like a partisan during interrogation, and wait for your partner to guess and fulfill them. Yes, for some reason many people are used to it. Perhaps this is due to the Soviet past, when asking for something, especially for oneself, was considered selfishness and shamelessness. But what kind of shamelessness is it to say: “It’s very important for me to get enough sleep on the weekend, could you not make any noise until 10 in the morning?”

Those days are long gone. “It’s important to be able to talk about what you expect from your partner. And even more important is to be able to cope with the fact that he may refuse this request,” says Nadezhda Kuzmina. Although it is unlikely that your loved one will laugh at the request: fulfilling it is the easiest way to express your concern.

Save your habits

Creating shared family traditions and habits - in fact, is the main goal of this complex process of getting used to each other. However, getting used to it does not mean merging into one single whole.

If the man you love is interested in football, this is not a reason to buy a fan’s jersey and watch matches together if you are truly perplexed when you see the players running across the field. If the woman you love loves to dance, and you feel like a tree next to her, you better wish her to find a more talented partner.

Maintaining your own life, separate from your partner, with your own interests and circle of friends, has a very good effect on the relationship. And this also indicates that everyone in a couple has clearly defined boundaries that allow them to maintain their uniqueness and integrity. After all, we are loved precisely for who we are.

Nadezhda Kuzmina

psychologist

And, most importantly, remember that life together consists of very, very simple things: cook food, wash the dishes, go to the store together, put the children to bed. So the secret to long-lasting happiness, you could say, is to make these little things as comfortable as possible for each other.

Cohabitation, also known as cohabitation, is gaining popularity among residents of big cities every year. Living together without officially registering a relationship has its pros and cons. It can be considered as a rehearsal family life, gaining experience, testing feelings or the most convenient option for a relationship. Among couples in which both the man and the woman have already been spouses, civil marriage is a kind of symbol of peace. It becomes a conscious choice of two people familiar with the intricacies of family life. What about girls who decide to live with a guy for the first time? What to expect from a new experience, and what pitfalls will you encounter along the way? Let's share our experience.

Underwater rocks

The first months will be especially difficult: you get to know the person anew. Say goodbye to the idealized image and get ready to accept the person as he is, without romantic embellishments.

Flaws

Your boyfriend is not perfect. It is not difficult to guess this even before life together, but it will be possible to determine the scale of imperfection only in the conditions of merciless everyday life. Get ready for special difficulties if the young man previously lived with his mother. The guy spoiled in the family is used to everything in the house being done without his participation: a plate left on the table is washed by itself, socks scattered in the corners are washed by themselves, and food appears by itself.

Young people who have tasted the delights of living separately are more prepared for living together. Every bachelor knows how to serve himself at a primitive level. With a successful combination of circumstances, he reveals talents for cooking, cleaning and washing. At first, everyday little things will haunt you at every step: splashes of paste on the mirror, the floor in the hallway trampled by dirty shoes, crumbs in the kitchen, and maybe even in bed. Who's lucky! Do not despair. You can fight bad addictions, the main thing is not to confuse them with innate character traits.

Disadvantages can also be found in a guy’s habits. For example, a loud sneeze that sounds like thunder from an orchestra pit, causing the whole house to tremble along with you. Some voiceless men love to sing in the bathroom early in the morning, disturbing the sensitive sleep of their lady. Patience, you have a long time to work together.

Finance

In most cases, concerns arise from two nuances:

the girl earns more than the guy,
The guy's salary is higher than the girl's.

You need to choose a convenient budget option based on the ideas of both partners:

General budget - all money is put into one “pile”, expenses are discussed in advance. The wishes of both partners are taken into account. If a girl bought a handbag this month, then next month the guy will buy a console. No sexual privileges unless discussed in advance. For example, guys spend on cosmetical tools They have less money than girls, that’s their advantage. While the female representative is replenishing her supplies of lipstick, mascara and blush, the young man is saving money to buy a laptop. But here’s the problem: a girl can also dream of an expensive purchase, which she will not see in this situation. How to be? Explain to a man that cosmetics are essential items: they give him a beautiful appearance, he has the opportunity to enjoy his lovely partner.
Partially, the total budget is the amount for paying for the apartment and general household expenses. It is divided equally. The couple disposes of the remaining money at their own discretion.
One of the partners takes full responsibility for housing and household expenses. More often it turns out to be a man, but there are also business ladies who are ready. If a girl is financially dependent on her roommate, as a rule, she takes care of all the household chores.

Couples starting to live together have difficulty managing expenses. To solve this issue, calculate your budget. At first, keeping track of purchases will provide invaluable help and save you from unnecessary quarrels.

Responsibilities

There is one destructive stereotype in the minds of the vast majority of men: housekeeping is a purely female affair. This arrangement is justified only in one case: when all financial obligations lie with the guy. If both people work in a couple, then household chores are divided between two people.

In the very first weeks of their life together, girls make one fatal mistake: they try to play the role of an ideal housewife. What is the danger?

You will not have enough strength to cope with the suddenly overwhelming responsibilities. Even an experienced housewife needs an assistant, what can we say about a girl taking her first steps in life together? Everyday life will exhaust you and squeeze out all your vital juices.
The guy will get used to it and sit on his neck. If you don't teach young man If you help with the housework right away, you won’t be able to do it later. He will get used to the position of “master” and will not want to part with it.

Traditionally, men are entrusted with taking out the trash, washing dishes, and the simple part of cleaning, but in each couple the division of responsibilities is individual. Some cohabitants actively practice complete equality: everyone cooks for themselves, cleans up after themselves, and washes their own things.

Personal space

At first, partners think that spending 24 hours a day together is a dream and true happiness. After a couple of days/weeks, young people realize that they cannot do it. The desire for solitude is a natural desire that must not only be respected, but also done everything to fulfill it. Let each partner choose their own territory for the rest period. It's good if these are different rooms. And if not? For some, a computer desk, and for others, a sofa and TV. Hobbies are also a sphere of personal interests that should not be interfered with without a good reason. But don't go to extremes. Organize your time so that you can be together and relax separately.

Sex

Until a girl and a guy live together, sex in 90% of cases is planned. This especially affects female representatives. The realization that today the girl will be alone with the guy and spend time with him stormy night- This is a psychological foreplay.

While living together, sex becomes spontaneous and at the same time obligatory. It is difficult for a girl to switch to an intimate mood after a working day and household duties. Sex loses its brightness. On especially difficult days (and there will be many of these in the first months), sexual intimacy can also cause a feeling of disgust. Guys are not immune to this situation either. In conditions of living together, the physiological characteristics partners: one wants sex every day, the other every three days.

Worldview

Each person is brought up and grows in individual conditions, has a subjective experience and a system of views on the world. Conflicts can be different: an atheist and a believer, a democrat and a monarchist, a Slavophile and a Westerner. But if global philosophical and political issues can be bypassed, then what to do with everyday problems? The girl is a vegetarian, and the guy is a meat eater. The situation is not simple. But even in it you will have to look for a compromise that will resolve the issue of cooking, smells and aesthetic tastes.

Prejudice

During their life together, young people will have to face personal prejudices and false ideas about civil marriage wandering among others.

Already married

Girls think that living together is forever. In a couple of months or years, the guy will propose, they will get married, have children and live together until old age. Alas, reality is different from dreams. and tend to disintegrate.

Still free

For a man, cohabitation is a ghost of freedom. You can always leave if something goes wrong.

Not serious

Civil marriage is considered to be. It's right. But cohabitation is an effective test that helps you accept correct solution. Young people realize whether they are ready for marriage and starting a family or not. This saves you from tragic mistakes common among hasty newlyweds.

He won't marry

This stereotype is based on the idea of ​​a man as a lustful animal, hungry for sex. Yes, some guys derive one-sided benefits from cohabitation, but you shouldn’t judge all men by them.

Cradle of debauchery

Intimate relationships outside of marriage are still condemned among inveterate guardians of morality who grew up during the USSR. But young people do not share such ideas. Despite this, on a subconscious level, young people can feel shame and actively fight against the prejudices embedded by the older generation.

When solving difficulties, remember that it is impossible to change another person to suit you. But becoming a victim and putting an unbearable burden on your shoulders is also not worth it. The purpose of grinding is to make living together comfortable. Over time, you will adapt to new roles and conditions and find a common rhythm and common ground.

Evening meetings after a hard day at work, weekends together, plans for a joint vacation, you feel great together, and all his ridiculous shortcomings and habits do not drive you crazy, but on the contrary delight you? Congratulations, you were hit by the arrows of the naughty Cupid. Living together is big joint work. Therefore, each of the partners must be aware of what they are doing and whether they are ready for such responsibility.

Where to begin?

If the idea of ​​starting to live together has already matured in your head, and this idea is taking on real shape, then it’s time to discuss this issue with your man. After all, just think how nice it will be to wake up together not just once a week, but every day. If your chosen one also says that he likes this idea, then it’s time to act.

Living together is a real skill to be guided by compromise. Both of you will have something to lose - bachelor freedom, lack of responsibilities, your own space and other delights of free existence. In fact, many years can pass from the birth of the idea of ​​living together to its implementation. We invite you to find out tips on how to start a life together with a man.

Discuss any concerns together. If you feel insecure, then tell your man about it. Believe me, your chosen one has his own personal set of the same ridiculous fears. After all, he, like you, will part with his freedom.

Don't forget about distance. You need to discuss the general, keep your personal. Living together does not mean growing into your chosen one. You should have your own friends, habits, hobbies and interests. The right to privacy is a must!

It is worth discussing the following issues of living together: budget (how you will pay bills, buy groceries), consequences (spending should be discussed, otherwise one day your chosen one will buy a gadget, and you will buy a new dress, but it turns out that your union has more money no), everyday life (share household responsibilities), relationships with relatives, etc.

Remember that you should discuss all the simple things without touching on any of the issues, there may be constant disputes in your home. Even improperly laid out laundry can cause disputes.

Under no circumstances!

1. Issue an ultimatum. You should not say that if you do not live together, then your union is doomed to separation. IN in this case, you shouldn’t be sure that your man won’t decide in favor of the second option.
2. If your man said that he is not yet ready to live together, there is no need to discuss his disagreement many times. The hope that his opinion will change is scanty. So if something suddenly changes, your chosen one will let you know.
3. Do not come up with an explanation for the actions of your chosen one. This is a very thankless task, of course, but not if you have the ability to read minds from a distance.
4. Be offended if a man asks to give him some time to think. This time will give you the opportunity to think about whether you need to move in now or is it too early.
5. Get hung up on the idea that moving in together will make your life perfect. It is impossible to predict this. Our life presents us with a lot of surprises, including unpleasant ones.

Where will you live together?

If the decision to live together has already been made, then you should think about where you will live. There are many options for solving this issue:

• him. You need to make sure that the man really wants you to move, and not just wanted to please you. There is no need to redo everything in his apartment. It’s better to ask him to give you a place for your personal belongings.
• flat rent. This the best option to start a life together. You will be in the same position, and therefore you will have to worry together about what curtains to choose, what rugs and pillows will decorate the interior, etc.
• a man moves in with you. Rearrange all the furniture together so you have some privacy and space for everyone. There is no need to command, this is a joint activity. A man should feel that this is your common home, and he is not just a temporary guest. Change your answering machine entry.

How not to lose yourself while living together?

Living together is a joyful event in the life of lovers, only after the grinding-in stage has passed, saturation with one’s soulmate appears. It is during this period that you want to meet your girlfriends, walk around squares and parks, and go shopping with your mother.

And it would seem that it is possible to complete the task, but then it turns out that your chosen one is against it. He doesn’t want to let his beloved go anywhere. Sometimes, the situation is the opposite - a girl is against her man meeting his friends. Thus, life together ceases to bring joy. In order to avoid disappointment in living together with your soulmate, you should always remember that each person should have their own personal life and their own interests.

Arrange to meet your best girlfriends at the same time your man goes to meet his friends. The main rule is that you should not get carried away with separate walks on an ongoing basis, so that interest in each other does not disappear. Sometimes, it happens that a couple breaks up because one of them went on a spree in the company of his friends, and a calm family life ceased to interest him.

Remember that the key to living together will be the ability to find compromises with your chosen one, negotiating and avoiding scandals and misunderstandings.

Discuss the question of who will come to visit you. So that there are no problems in the future that you are tired and want to relax, and at home you will have 100 guests - your man’s friends. Or even his mother will operate, arranging her son’s things, as her heart pleases. All these questions may seem trivial to you, but they require discussion.

Many couples are faced with the fact that the sexual component is changing. If some people think that sex will begin to fade, they will worry about how to let the passion fade, then they are mistaken. After all, there are a lot simple ways keep the secret of inaccessibility, imbuing your rapprochement with the passion that is observed during romantic evenings.

Living under the same roof with your loved one is a very important step. You will spend a lot more time together and get to know each other, both the good and the bad. Because of this, you need to think carefully before making such an important decision. Ask yourself a few questions, the answers to which will allow you to understand whether you are ready to move in together or not.

1. Are you moving in together for the benefits?

The most important thing in such a situation is to clearly define your goals. Saving money when paying rent should never be the primary reason. Why do you want to live together? Is your love so strong that you can't imagine a day without each other?

If you decide to live under the same roof just to have regular sex and because it benefits you, then you shouldn't do it. Wait a little until the relationship reaches the desired boiling point.

2. Where do you want the relationship to go?

Decide what will happen after you move in together. Are you expecting your lover to propose to you? Or do you just want to live under one roof and see what happens?

Experts note that such decisions should not be made hastily. First of all, you need to weigh the pros and cons and analyze your relationship.

3. How will you manage your finances?

Develop a so-called financial plan, because very often money becomes one of the main reasons why quarrels arise. Disagreements also occur when one partner earns more than the other.

4. Are you ready to learn absolutely everything about each other?

Once you start living together, all secrets disappear. You will know all of each other's habits and preferences. Some of them will seem cute to you, and some will be terribly annoying. Are you ready to put up with absolutely everything? When you find the answer to this question, then you will understand whether you need to move in together.

5. Will you find time to be alone with yourself?

Being together almost all the time, it will be very difficult for you to be alone. There will be practically no personal space left. Don't fool yourself into thinking you don't need it. Absolutely everyone needs a personal island. Agree on how much time you want to spend apart from each other and with friends and family.

6. How will you deal with possible quarrels?

While you live separately after a quarrel, each of you can return to your home, “cool down” a little and then discuss the conflict constructively. When living together, you will not be able to afford such luxury. First, learn how to properly resolve conflicts in order to avoid unnecessary scandals in the future.

7. Will you be able to discuss all issues with each other?

Living together involves discussing all issues, planning time spent and making joint decisions. Think about whether you are ready to divide your life into two, and whether this thought scares you.

8. Are you ready to throw away some of your things?

Of course, all your things will not fit in one apartment. Some of them will have to be abandoned, thrown away, or given to someone you know. Apart from this, you will share everything. Share space, bath, kitchen, things, blanket. Are you ready for this?

9. Are you prepared for unexpected situations?

You've made a clear plan for who will do the shopping, when you'll meet friends, and all the other details. However, something is bound to go wrong. Will you be able to come to terms with this and respond adequately to unexpected situations?

When you honestly answer all these questions to yourself, then you will be able to accurately determine whether you want to live together with your chosen one or whether it is better to wait for now.

You will be able to spend more time together. In the morning you wake up, have breakfast, get ready and leave the house with your loved one. In the evening, share fresh impressions about the past day, then you can allow yourself to talk until late or do other things together.

More time for sex. No more adjusting to your parents' schedule or doing it quickly at the hotel. All evening and night you can indulge in love pleasures. No witnesses, restrictions or interference. It all depends on your desires.

Spend less on rent and other expenses. If you previously lived in two different apartments, you can now save money. There will be savings on other small expenses, such as household appliances. Some of the things from previous apartments can be sold, and with the proceeds you can buy something really needed.

Living together makes you feel truly grown up and free. Moving out of your parents' apartment, arranging a new home, paying utility bills and other routine issues will help you grow up quickly. You will be able to enjoy freedom and a sense of independence.

Disadvantages of living with a guy

New everyday problems appear. We have to cook more, wash, clean, iron and do other routine housework. Men, as a rule, rarely take on household chores, and this mainly falls on the shoulders of girls.

Financial issues can cause serious conflicts. Previously, you existed separately and did not account for expenses to each other, but now you need to learn to live together. A man may not appreciate buying a new handbag or shoes, and you may be disappointed with the purchase of winter tires for your car.

When living together, you need to “try harder.” Look well-groomed, beautiful and take care of yourself 24 hours a day. Not every man can calmly accept the transformation of his “model” into an ordinary girl.

Communication problems may arise. Spending so much time together, you quickly discuss everything regular topics, and you will need to look for new ones. Some couples break up at this stage, realizing that they are too different and have nothing to talk about.

You will be able to get to know each other better. Previously, you could only see the official appearance of your partner, but now it is at your fingertips. Sleepy and irritated in the morning, sitting on the computer until late, tired after work.

Many relationships fail due to different views on life. Living together before marriage helps you take a sober look at your future. Do your views on financial and everyday issues coincide? Does your boyfriend's constant presence annoy you? How similar are your tastes?

But don't forget that a lot depends on your couple. If you understand each other perfectly and know how to resolve things peacefully conflict situations, life together will bring only joy.

Civil marriages are very common today. Many people prefer to live in a civil marriage rather than legalize their relationship. Which ones are there? positive sides civil marriage?

Instructions

Each person is used to living at their own rhythm; when people get married, they live together, and sometimes it is very difficult for them to adapt to each other, so conflicts may arise. Civil marriage implies living together, thus people get used to each other, they are already familiar with life and habits, with human needs, and it is much easier for them.

Civil marriage helps you understand whether you can live your whole life together or not. You will learn true faces each other. When people just go on dates, they try to show their best side. They do not notice the shortcomings of their partner; he seems perfect. After a certain time spent in a civil marriage, everyone becomes who they really are. If people are disappointed, there will be no more legal marriage.