“It’s bad when in an argument a person hears only himself, but it’s even worse when he doesn’t even do that!” INadim Zverev
Our reaction to conflicts is always different: some try to avoid them, others, on the contrary, like to provoke, others are ready to “lay down their lives” but defend their point of view.
There are situations when a person “reluctantly” still compromises. But the possibility remains that the “smoldering flame” of extinguished discontent may flare up with a new flame over time.
There is another way that helps you look into the essence of the problem when you don't know. And find a solution that could suit both sides.
Remember one of the rules of NLP: “”.
This is the rule that forms the basis of the NLP technique.
Solving a communication problem using 3 positions of perception"
First, let's remember the positions of perception discussed in the article
1st position from your “world map”.
The needs and values of the partner come first.
3 position - position observer.
Here the focus is on the relationship between the parties.
The 3-position perception technique can be used in absolutely any conflict situation.
Any conflict is, first of all, a lack of information in one of the positions of perception.
After all, very often we tend to interpret what happened based only on the first position. While any communication process can be represented as an interaction between two different systems and combining them into one common one. Resolve the conflict It is always easier when connecting the 3rd dissociated position. In it you are detached from emotions, which always “take over” in any conflict of interests.
For example, consider the problem of the relationship between a boss and a subordinate: the subordinate believes that he is being unfairly picked on. And the manager considers his claims to be completely justified.
How to resolve a conflict in such a fairly common situation?
3rd perception positions
For better perception, you need spatial anchors in which you indicate
After this, act out a dialogue in person between you and the leader (to for example, your name is A., and your supervisor is M.S).
IMPORTANT to use " direct speech!
Act out the scene. Feel like an actor who has to play both roles at the same time.
Remember to navigate dimensional anchors when you play as your own leader!
Continue the dialogue until you have reached a dead end and do not understand what to do next.
After this, move to the 3rd position.
Look at the situation dissociated, through the eyes of an observer, and give your vision of what is happening.
It's better if it's a metaphor.
For example:
From the side, A. looks in front of M. S. like a “boa constrictor in front of a rabbit”
I see that A. is constantly on the defensive
It seems that A. and M.S. communicate like a deaf person with a blind person
I had a feeling of hidden confrontation between these people
A. clearly lacks arguments and M.S. it’s annoying”, etc.
After this, try to see (as an observer) the positive intentions of each party:
Suppose A. believes that he should not overwork (especially since this is not compensated in any way)
M.S. wants A. to have responsibility and an understanding that “business comes first.”
Try to find a meta-result that would combine the interests of both parties.
To do this, you need to clearly understand what is important in this conflict for A., and what for M.S.
It is easier to come to a common result when there is an understanding of each other's values and needs. Therefore, the conversation should be conducted either at the level of A.’s and M.S.’s needs. , or go to
You must get answers to the questions: “Why? What does this give? What's the use of this?
Remember that you cannot influence your partner’s behavior and figure out for him how he should speak or behave towards you.
All changes must come from the “I-position”.
But the rule works: “If one element of the system changes, then the whole system changes.”
Eg:
1. A. says that he is ready to do this work. But he would be satisfied if the “Job Responsibilities” were spelled out in detail, and additional work and the conditions under which it could be performed (terms, payment, possible promotion) were immediately discussed with him. His belief “My efforts must be rewarded!” And when this happens I feel that I and my work are respected!
2. A. finds out what exactly M.N. didn’t like. and agrees on the time frame within which he is ready to complete this amount of work, but asks that he be assigned an assistant for this period.
His belief: “To perform my duties and additional work efficiently, I need time and the help of a secretary who will do necessary calls" There is a deeper need behind this feel calm.
3. A. explains that he can do this work on weekends. And he asks to be allowed to leave 1 hour earlier on certain days in order to have time for his English courses. His belief: “I am ready to show loyalty to the company and work on weekends, but I am waiting for a response of understanding and my request”
And behind this also lies need for Respect.
Management Beliefs:
1. M.S. believes that every employee should feel responsible for the common cause.
Here you can “dig even deeper” and realize what is important for M.S. when it happens exactly as he believes? Perhaps this is his desire feel calm, when responsibility for the result lies not only with him.
2. M.S. believes that the approach: “here is mine, but here is not mine” is not accepted in their company and indicates a lack of personal responsibility for the employee. You should think about rewarding an employee only after he “proves” himself.
Perhaps this is how his need to Protect yourself from bad employees. Only in this case will he feels Calm.
By associating with M.S., you can better feel what is important to him!
Both M.S. and A. have their own Needs. And there is nothing wrong with the Needs themselves.
The problem is that sometimes we become extremely inflexible in our desire to satisfy them only in the way that seems to us the only right one. Although there are many other compromise solutions that allow the interests of both parties to be respected.
If you want to resolve a conflict, it is important to realize both your own and others' needs. And structure the conversation in such a way as to show that you see and respect them. And then come to a common denominator “on a win-win basis.” Think about how best to do this!
3. Let A. give himself from the 3rd position three or four pieces of advice that will help him feel Calm and Respect and transmit them to his Interlocutor.
Sit back comfortably in your chair and stay confident. You can take the folder. From the outside it’s noticeable: you don’t know where to put your hands.
Don't look at the floor when talking to M.S! And don’t look away when he comes at you.
Do not make excuses! It's not your fault. And speak a little slower. Calmly voice your vision of the situation.
You can even tell an on-topic joke:
“Grandfather arrived at the dacha. He thinks: “Well, finally, in silence, in nature, I’ll relax!” What is it! The neighbor's children played so noisily that the grandfather was tormented all evening. I argued with my parents, admonished my children, but nothing helped. And then an idea came to my grandfather’s head. He called the children to his place and said: “You scream so well. Here's 50 rubles for this. The children were happy and ran away. The next day, the grandfather calls the children again and says: “Shout even louder today, and I will give you another 20 rubles.” The children were upset that this time they gave less money, but they still made some noise. On the third day, the grandfather said that he would give them 1 ruble. But only if they surpass themselves. “Only 1 ruble?” - the children were indignant. “No, grandfather, you won’t wait. We’re not going to shout for such ridiculous money.” And they never screamed again.”
Ask M.S. if he thinks correct approach when his employees do not know “their job responsibilities"? Express your intention to work under such conditions that the common interests of both you and M.S. are respected.
Now act out the dialogue between A. and M.N. taking into account the recommendations that the “Observer” gave you. Be sure to use spatial anchors (for example, pieces of paper with names) and direct speech!
Did you manage to achieve results this time?
Go back to the 3rd observer position and give an “outside view of the situation.”
What changed? What has become different?
What else can be added to A.’s behavior?
Conduct an environmental audit. Do it from 1st position.
Will the new behavior hurt you? Do you have anything to lose by behaving differently? If nothing bothers you, then everything is fine! If you feel dissatisfied, refine the dialogue by getting advice from the Observer. Environmental testing is mandatory!
Fitting for the future.
Imagine several situations in the future when a similar situation occurs. How does this make you feel? What additional resources do you have? Will you be able to behave differently than before?
I wish you good luck and wisdom!!
LOVE YOU!
" Conflicts arise not because of differences, but because of disrespect for these differences." Zhanna Kusmesh
“Life is a process of resolving an infinite number of conflicts. A person cannot avoid them. He can only decide whether to participate in the development of solutions or leave it to others” B. Wool
“Don’t quit your job because of a conflict. Quit if there is no prospect for personal growth.” Mikhail Litvak
“In a business conflict, the problem is discussed. In psychological conflict, personalities are discussed. A psychological conflict leads to mutual destruction, but a business conflict solves the problem and brings partners closer together." Mikhail Litvak
“The one with whom it is difficult is stupid, the one with whom it is easy is smart;
A person with whom he is easy is complex;
It’s just how a person is made to be difficult.”
Mikhail Litvak
“Of two quarrels, the one who is smarter is more to blame.” Goethe
"Techniques require four qualities that reflect the nature of our world. Depending on the circumstances, you must be: hard as a diamond, flexible like a willow, smooth like the flow of water, or empty like the sky." Ueshiba Morihei
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ALL THE BEST!
WITH THANKS! ARINA
If you don't know how to resolve a conflict, it's okay. The tips below will help you learn how to overcome it on your own. Let's consider the possibilities of resolving the conflict depending on the stages of its manifestation.
1. Understanding conflict helps avoid it
Resolve the conflict on initial stage you can try to avoid it. But you shouldn’t be too afraid of him. Any conflict is an opportunity to learn new sides of your Self. Difficulties in understanding and understanding various situations happen all the time. But when you try to resolve a conflict, you better understand yourself, your characteristics, problems and complexes. Once you understand that this is one of the possible ways of self-improvement, it will be much easier for you to resolve a conflict of any severity and complexity.
2. Resolve conflict based on signs
The conflict can be obvious, or it can be hidden. In any case, conflict can be prevented by focusing on its main signs:
Disagreement at the verbal level;
there is no confidential and open communication;
separation in space and time;
talking behind your opponent's back;
impartial thoughts about the opponent;
distrust and suspicion of the opponent.
3. Determine severity
Serious conflicts are those that can destroy a family, business, life, etc. If the degree is not very serious, then you don’t have to worry about how to resolve the conflict. The degree of severity can be determined by the following criteria:
The problem worsens negative experiences over time;
malicious gossip is spreading;
the problem is not being solved, but the atmosphere is heating up;
avoiding the problem;
The circle of people involved is expanding.
4. Consciously enter into conflict
Sometimes a conflict can only be resolved by entering into it. But we need to prepare for this step. First of all, you need to understand the problem and the degree of your involvement in it. Then you need to find the courage to resolve the conflict. And to do this, you need to decide whether you have fear before resolving the conflict, where it comes from and what exactly worries you. Feel free to act exactly how you feel about the situation.
5. Direct transition
If you are already internally ready to resolve the conflict, move on to organizing it. This should not be a spontaneous action. Prepare carefully for it, as for a fight.
If you want to resolve a conflict, first set yourself the essence of the problem, determine your interests in it. It is impossible to resolve a conflict if the opponent himself does not want it. Therefore, find out his desire in this regard, as well as what ways he sees to overcome it.
6. Conflict and its awareness
7. Take a stand
To resolve conflict, listen to your feelings, experience them and immediately let them go. If your opponent is not ready to accept the usual expression of emotions, convey their essence to him in some other way.
8. Let go of emotions
Sometimes after stormy expressed feelings people feel guilty about it. In such cases, to resolve the conflict, you should retreat a little. Especially if you unconsciously begin to move away from the conflict. This must only be done consciously, experiencing those feelings that are rushing out. Express your point of view fully, this is one of the right ways how to resolve the conflict.
9. Neutrality by nature
10. Understand your opponent
Sometimes you can prevent a conflict if you follow your desire to express sympathy for your opponent. To do this, watch his behavior, gestures, facial expressions, understand what feelings drive him, help him express them. It is important to remember that it is impossible to resolve the conflict by mimicking or provoking your opponent.
11. Position control
Check whether you fully expressed your feelings, if you want to apologize for your attitude, do so.
12. Ending the conflict
As soon as you see that your partner has relaxed, he immediately leaves the battlefield. Consider that you have managed to resolve the conflict. Abandoning further battles in a timely manner is an important and difficult task. But without it, the question of how to resolve the conflict will be incomplete.
Often the most insignificant situational conflict can escalate into a protracted war, which will poison the lives of not only those in conflict, but also everyone around them. Understands this problem psychologist Natalia Isaicheva.
Almost everyone faces conflict situations at work. Conflict is a contradiction, disagreement between people, groups, that arose in the process labor activity due to opposing interests and lack of agreement between the parties. It can be compared to a disease - if measures are not taken in time, it can affect more people, thereby causing the organization to suffer losses. It must be taken into account that the conflict also has a destructive effect on the health of the participants.
Some conflicts arise for objective reasons and relate to work, others for subjective reasons, affecting emotional and personal relationships. The main causes of conflict situations are the inability to communicate, differences in qualifications, goals, values, upbringing and behavior. A leader can also be a source of conflict if he shows vanity or rudeness towards subordinates, thereby violating work ethics. If the boss violates labor laws and cannot fairly evaluate the work results of each employee.
What are some ways to resolve conflicts at work?
1. Avoiding conflict
Its meaning boils down to the fact that one side does not want to participate in the conflict, ignoring the situation. If the conflict arose for subjective reasons, then this approach can have positive consequences. The other side can rethink the situation, calm down, and an open clash can be avoided.
But if the conflict arose on professional grounds, then avoiding it can only aggravate the situation, since the reason that caused the conflict has not been eliminated. In this case, the situation cannot be left unattended.
2. Smoothing out or adapting to conflict
The main goal of smoothing is to quickly prevent conflict through agreements, apologies, and demonstrations of humility. If a conflict situation arises between a manager and a subordinate, and no one is interested in the duration of the conflict, then this tactic, where one side gives in and allows the other to get what they want, can be positive.
The conflict is quickly resolved, the situation is comprehended, work is restored and can be saved a good relationship. In this situation, the cause of the conflict should be eliminated in order to avoid recurrence of the problem in the future.
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3. Forcing to resolve the conflict
The initiator of the conflict, using power, subjugates the employee to his will, while not taking into account his opinion. This is usually accompanied by blackmail, intimidation and other pressure techniques.
This is the most unpleasant way to resolve a conflict, as the other party feels humiliated and tension remains. Coercion can be justified: a) when there is a shortage of time; b) in in case of emergency; c) with subordination.
4. Compromise
Complex, but effective method conflict resolution. Here the interests of each party are taken into account and alternatives are discussed. Compromise assumes that each party, to some extent, gets what they want while maintaining a good relationship. The goal of this method of conflict resolution is to gain something rather than lose everything.
5. Conflict resolution
This is the most effective way when the parties acknowledge differences of opinion and are willing to listen to other points of view in order to resolve the cause of the conflict and take actions acceptable to all parties. Here the disagreement is accepted as normal phenomenon, which, through analysis and dialogue, leads to an optimal solution.
In resolving a conflict, the maturity of the parties and the art of communication with people play a big role, so it is very important to maintain restraint so as not to aggravate the situation. Give the party the opportunity to speak out “to the end”, using a therapeutic effect. Frank dialogue and a friendly atmosphere contribute to the speedy resolution of the conflict and its elimination.
There may be fewer conflicts in a team if everyone knows their rights and fulfills their responsibilities.
In any conflict situation, you need to radiate calm: confident intonation, without notes of arrogance or irritation in your voice; moderate rate of speech and low timbre of voice, which are most pleasant to the ear; straight back that sets you up for positive mood and gives confidence.
And conflicts need to be resolved immediately, there is no need to hesitate and do it in a friendly atmosphere.
It is believed that any conflict situations unfold between the roles of victim-persecutor-savior. In this case, the participants in the conflict can change roles and “go in circles,” and the way out of the conflict itself tends to infinity.
To break this circle and get out of the conflict, one of the parties will need to accept or give up responsibility.
Bower technique
The technique is simple, but no less effective. It consists of a strict sequence of steps:
- Description
The main criteria for this step are to be objective and not allow emotions to arise. Forget about dissatisfaction, anger and nerves. Your task at this step is to constructively describe the situation.
- Expression
We work with people. Not with positions and badges, but with people. And the success of the project largely depends on human relationships. Therefore, emotions are important and it’s time to voice them at this stage.
- Offer
This is your solution to the problem, an action plan. What do you suggest to resolve the situation? Describe in detail and point by point.
- Reward
Do you guarantee success if everything goes according to plan from step 3? What benefits will the client get from this? This point is difficult, but with experience you will learn to apply it.
Examples of conflicts with clients
Situation one: the client is dissatisfied with the deadlines
A classic of the genre: after signing the contract, the terms of reference changed, and then you didn’t calculate the resources - too much had to be redone. Result: the deadline has passed, but things are still there. What to do and how to build communication with the client in this situation?
IN in this case the client acts as a persecutor because he is in a state of irritation and anger.
Manager's reaction is wrong
Answer from the role of the pursuer:
Didn't you think that this would entail additional labor costs when you proposed changing the technical specifications? We did what we could.
Answer from the role of the victim:
We tried so hard to meet the deadline, but we couldn’t because new critical tasks appeared, to which we had to transfer all our resources.
Answer from the role of savior:
We are transferring your project to the outsourcing company “N”, we are sure they will be able to help you.
Of course, these example answers are slightly exaggerated, but this is provided for a better understanding of the content of the roles.
Obviously, none of these answers will satisfy the Client, after which even more threatening letters will follow and the partnership will be completely lost.
Resolving a conflict with a client
We go according to the scheme:
“During the signing of the contract, we were guided by a certain scope of tasks, which was changed after the start of work. We evaluated the improvements and corrections, but not in as much detail as needed. Therefore, at the current stage we are not ready to move on to demonstrating the project - some tasks are not completed (description; the more objective, the better).
The description fully acknowledges that the performer bears responsibility for what is happening, some tasks are not completed, and the estimate of labor costs was of poor quality.
We understand that you wanted to launch the system this week. On behalf of our team, I apologize for not being able to implement the new requirements for the project within the stated time frame. (expression; we are people, we are sorry, we worry too).
Expression allows the Client to understand that we stand in his place and understand how he feels.
We will implement the remaining functionality by the middle of this month. Next time we will work on the tasks on the shore and the assessment will be more objective (suggestion; show the current plan, suggest how to adjust the work in the future).
The offer confirms the defendant’s willingness to accept responsibility for a second time and deliver new term– the middle of this month.
Thus, by the middle of the month you will receive full version functionality, despite the fact that it differs from the first version of the technical specifications. And in the future we will not allow such miscalculations in estimating deadlines. (reward; what will happen if the client makes the decision from the previous paragraph)».
In the award, the defendant again takes responsibility, promising that he will not make such mistakes.
As a result, the defendant takes responsibility, and the exit from the Karpman triangle is achieved. Consequently, there will be no continuation of the conflict situation and standard business correspondence will follow.
Situation two: the client is dissatisfied with the service provided
Given: you support a corporate portal, but after today’s update, some functionality stopped working for many users.
Question: how to deal with a dissatisfied client?
“Tonight we rolled out the latest update. After it, the functionality for working with the booking module stopped working for some users (description). We are sorry that this happened and we are ready to make every effort to correct the situation and prevent this from happening in the future. (expression).
In five minutes we will deploy backups and users will be able to work in the previous version. After this, we will promptly eliminate the problems in the new (offer). This way, users won’t have to wait, and we, in turn, will fix the error within a few hours. We will also eliminate the causes of the incident so that this does not happen again. (reward)."
The second situation is similar to the first: the Client acts as the pursuer, and the defendant, in turn, takes responsibility several times. The conflict has been successfully resolved.
Situation three: the client is dissatisfied with the result of the work
Given: you developed mobile app turnkey, but the technical specifications were too vague. The client is not satisfied with the interface, as well as the lack of some functionality.
Question: how to explain to the client that the list of improvements includes very labor-intensive tasks, and you do not work for free?
In fact, there will be a long correspondence here. The issue of additional payment is always a tricky one. But your task is to lay the right foundation for negotiations.
“Our team accepted the project based on the terms of reference for the contract. The main modules were spelled out in it, and you entrusted us with the details to save time (description).
We understand that during the development of the application, your working conditions have changed, new ideas have appeared, and an understanding of what it should look like for users has formed. We share your vision, but now we need to decide how to fit these improvements within the framework of our agreement (expression).
We are ready to implement some tasks for free. For example, improve the design, make some sections more detailed<и т.д. по списку менее трудоемких задач>. But there are also long-term tasks in the improvements -<которые нужно перечислить и обосновать трудоемкость>. We will calculate the cost of these works separately within a week. (offer).
Thus, design improvements will be free for you. This way you can launch on time and test the need to implement other tasks on real users. It's better to launch an MVP and then evaluate it full list improvements and prioritization (reward).
It is worth noting that the algorithm described above works in any communication channel, but working with dissatisfied customers over the phone requires great skills in order to keep negotiations on track. in the right direction. We recommend starting to implement this practice of resolving conflicts with clients with letters, if this is acceptable in your situation.
I have been working as a PM for five years now. All this time, in any controversial situations, I use the method of Sharon and Gordon Bower. The development of conflicts has never happened before, so as a mentor, I teach all junior managers this technique.
Masha Tretyakova,
