We all dream of a long happy life family life. And when relationships collapse, we are faced with the question: “Why is family life not working out and what to do?” The reason is that our idea of ​​family life is far from reality, as it is based on common myths. We expect one thing from family life, but get something completely different. Let's get acquainted with these myths, because knowing the pitfalls, you will always avoid them.

7 myths about family relationships

Myth 1. The main thing is love
It is believed that feelings are the basis of relationships, and everything else will follow. And you need to link your destinies only by mutual love. However, in reality everything is different. People who are 100% sure of their love sometimes feel cold after a while. And, conversely, spouses who do not experience extraterrestrial love become more and more attached to each other over the years and are very happy. A relationship may begin with love, but this does not guarantee a happy marriage.

Myth 2. “Paradise in a hut with a darling”
However, it’s good if the “hut” has acceptable living conditions. What if it’s a communal apartment with always drunk neighbors and no basic amenities? At first, blinded by feelings, you don’t notice it, but then... Like Mayakovsky: “ love boat crashed into everyday life.” Sooner or later, irritation due to instability outweighs love, and family life does not work out.

Myth 3. Sex will solve all problems
Sex is an indispensable condition happy marriage. However, you won't get far on instincts alone if you have nothing in common except sex. And even the most fantastic sex will not save the family. If there is no sincere good relationship between you. The other extreme is that sex is completely unimportant. If you think so, family life will not work out - in best case scenario your partner will go “left”, and in the worst case you face divorce.

Myth 4. Having a child will strengthen your relationship.
Many women deliberately have children in order to keep their soul mate. But if the relationship is falling apart at the seams, having a child will only deepen the gap between you. After all, this is a test for the family - the way of life changes, you are already responsible for life little man. And the problems are only getting worse. A baby is a continuation of love, and not an attempt to preserve and return it old feelings. On the contrary, plan to have a child only if you both want it and the family has a great relationship.

Myth 5. Loved ones understand “at a glance, at a glance”
We believe that our loved ones understand us. And there is no need to tell them about your desires and feelings - they will figure it out themselves. However, everyone has their own experiences. Your partner will not guess what you want if you do not explain it clearly and clearly. Express your requests and desires openly to avoid misunderstandings and subsequent offenses.

Myth 6. Loving people they don't quarrel and they have no secrets
There is an opinion that family problems need to be resolved only peacefully. In fact, showdowns and quarrels - normal phenomenon and even useful for the family. There are no quarrels only where there are no feelings for each other. Rather than accumulating tension and negative emotions, it is better to defuse the situation by clarifying controversial issues. The main thing is not to get personal and quarrel in a civilized manner. Remember that this is not an enemy, but a loved one who made a mistake. After all, everyone wants to be forgiven for their mistakes.

As for the secrets that everyone has in their youth, it is not always worth telling about them. Keep some stories to yourself, otherwise, on occasion, you will be reminded of old mistakes in your new life.

Myth 7. Responsibilities - to each their own
This is usually interpreted as follows: the wife is to cook and clean, the husband is to work and provide for the family. However, there are no identical patterns for all families. Therefore, when distributing household responsibilities, consider individual characteristics your soulmate. And it’s also more convenient to do a lot of things together – it brings us closer together. Choose an option that suits both of you.

The myths have been dealt with. These are other people's thoughts that you took on faith, and now you can realize them and change them.

But besides this, everyone has a lot of their own negative thoughts and attitudes that determine life. When everything is bad in family life, it is also your fault. To correct the situation, you need to see, admit your mistakes and draw conclusions. It will be much easier for you to do this if you know one secret. You will find it in the video. This secret will help improve family life and accept loved ones as they are.

Watch the video for 4 days and be happy in your family life!
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Good day everyone!

This article is for "single" women. Let's talk to those who are not married or in a relationship, but strive for this.

So, what does it mean that your personal life is not working out?

If your life experience includes the following:

• you attract the wrong men (mercantile, insecure, tyrants, momma's boys, gigolos, etc., who stick to you like a bath leaf to your body);
• the relationship is short-lived: after 2-3 meetings the man disappears from your life;
• we have read dozens of books and completed trainings on how to get married, but nothing works;
• You see a potential husband in every man; you cling to the first person you come across who shows interest in you, although he is not your type;
• you get nervous when relatives and friends ask you the same question about your personal life (something like: “Why are you so beautiful and economical and not married?” or “Why doesn’t someone so pretty have a man?”, or here's another one: “It’s a shame to be without a husband at your age!!!” etc., complete the list of questions yourself).

If you recognize yourself in at least one point, then you have come to the right place.

Just like you, I experienced all of the above circumstances. I experienced constant setbacks and failures in my personal life, started from scratch and repeated the same scenario for the development of relationships over and over again. Building worthless relationships still ended in nothing for one simple reason - I did not love the men with whom I built relationships. Moreover, I didn’t understand why I needed a family and what I wanted from a relationship. I was afraid to be alone. But thanks to my experience, I will share with you the most valuable material.

1. Stop the race to start a family. Stop building relationships, stop doing everything that you were actively doing and that did not lead you to results. If Plan A doesn't work, you have 32 more letters to try... Otherwise, you are in danger of a “squirrel in a wheel” situation—running in circles. So try to stop - you won’t regret it. Doing this is much more difficult than saying it, I understand very well how difficult it is to break away from obsessive thoughts.
2. Ask yourself a question: why do you need a family? What is the purpose of starting a family for you? Just start a notebook/diary and write down everything that comes to your mind about this. Mechanical writing without discussion. Directly according to points 1, 2, etc. If thoughts don't come, it's okay. Focus on this issue and live your life ordinary life. Thoughts will definitely come to you. Your task is to record them on paper in a timely manner. Don't rely on your memory. You will definitely forget.
3. After you have written down everything that was on this issue, re-read it and determine where these thoughts came from. Which of them belong to you, and which ones you heard from the lips of relatives, the media, girlfriends, etc. Next to each thought, mark the source of its occurrence. This list is very valuable material, with whom you will work. Note: when doing this work, do not strain, relax, everything will come by itself without effort. The main thing is not to rush things.
4. Select one item (belief) from the entire list that causes a strong emotional and physical reaction in you (for example, you feel anger, envy, something shrinks inside when you see a wedding, happy couples etc.). Describe this point in detail (what thoughts, pictures, emotions, physical sensations arise when you read the phrase). In what situations do you become negative? Do you like living with this belief?
5. Practice. Create a new belief and put it into practice. Imagine that you have the authority to create your life. You can cross out everything that you don’t like about it, delete it and bring in something new, something you want, everything that will make you happy. Create a new belief that will bring you positive emotions, feel it deeply. Practice living your new belief as if it has long been an integral part of you.

And now the most important thing: you need to replace the old belief with a new one right in the process of life. Those. when a negative situation arises again in which the old reaction begins to work in you, you need to change your reaction to this event by applying a new belief.

It will be difficult to do this at first. But if you take at least one step every day, then in a week you will move 7 steps forward. I know for sure that it works flawlessly for those who are ready to change their lives.

The mistakes people make on the path of development are rushing things and expecting instant results. This definitely won't happen. Imagine that you have lived for ... (how many) years with your conviction, and then suddenly you decided to radically change. Your mind, soul and body must become accustomed to the new behavior and work together as a team. Just help yourself with this with your patience.

That's all for today! I sincerely wish favorable changes in your life.

The most important thing you need is faith in yourself and in success, no matter what.

Oh yes, more about loneliness.

In fact, you can live in a family and feel lonely, you can walk in a huge crowd and feel lonely. If you remember the wonderful and talented actor Alexander Abdulov, then outwardly he looked like a successful and self-sufficient person. Beautiful roles, a crowd of fans, demand, external success was obvious, he was always surrounded by numerous friends. And only after his death (from lung cancer) his relatives said that Alexander felt very lonely, despite his stormy and eventful life. After the premiere, he held parties at his home, but he did not know many of the people who came to him. Here's the story.

Not all people who show happiness on the outside feel it on the inside. Loneliness can be experienced by a person regardless of the external environment. Some people strive for loneliness ( privacy), they are comfortable being with themselves. So loneliness- This myth. I wrote about him in a previous article.

Change it to privacy.

Being consciously in solitude, you will be able to hear your inner voice, which will give you hints about further actions on the path to your goal. Agree that in a crowd you simply won’t be able to hear him.

And if you are “annoyed” with questions about your personal life, then remember - no one has the right to invade your personal life, no matter what it is. Feel free to fight back. Talk to people in a language in which they understand you (with boors - in a boorish way, with tactful ones - in the same way).

Family crises do not bypass any family. The main thing is to correctly perceive crises in your family life. Family - there is so much in this word... But not for everyone and not always the concept of family and the values ​​associated with it are important. When does the moment come when the family becomes not a reliable support, but a burden, or simply does not bring joy?

Why don’t you want to: return home from work, talk with your loved one, look forward to the night for passionate solitude? And there’s a lot more I don’t want...

When?
A crisis in the family can arise at any time - on the honeymoon or twenty-five years later life together. But psychologists who know everything conventionally identify several difficult stages in the life of a family.

After a year of marriage. The period of falling in love passes, the romantic veil falls from the eyes, the rose-colored glasses fade. Partners finally see each other in their true light, in everyday life and every day. The husband understands that his wife in the morning is not the same beauty as in the afternoon. The wife has already seen her husband not only on a “horse,” but sometimes also “on the horns.”

After 2-3 years of marriage or after the birth of a child. Although now the birth of the first child can occur either immediately after Mendelssohn’s march or after more years. Sleepless nights at the baby's bedside, his first teeth and last breastfeeding. The wife is more like a mother hen than an object sexual desires. Her husband is in the back of her mind, somewhere there... at a second job, in pursuit of hypoallergenic food, or just in the next room, but... as if beyond the horizon.

After 7-9 years of marriage. Everything seemed to have settled down, gotten used to it - sex and children, friends and work. But it has settled down and gotten used to it to such an extent that you already want something new - both at home and in your career. However, I’m still afraid to change anything.

After 14-16 years of marriage. One of the spouses or both suddenly becomes scared - everything has been achieved, nothing new and exciting will happen in life anymore. And the play begins called “Gray hair in the beard, demon in the rib.” Husband: “And all these long-legged girls will never be mine?” Wife: “Am I going to wake up in bed with this beer belly for the rest of my life?”

In 20-25 years. The children grew up, fledged and flew out of the nest. Life is smooth, there is enough money, but you don’t want to enjoy life together. Building a family boat can be more interesting than the process of living together. Just like in childhood, while you are building a “house”, the game is very exciting. As soon as the “house” is built, the game itself fades away.

Why?
Of course, there are many reasons why a family crisis occurs. To paraphrase the classic phrase taken for the title of this article - each family has its own.
1. Material problems. Where would we be without them? Even in wealthy family There can be endless debates about what and how to spend money.

2. Cheating on one of the partners. The problem is as old as the hills, but that makes it no less acute and painful.

3. Absence of children, or vice versa, their appearance. For some, the whole meaning of life is in children. And someone dreams of a life that is comfortable and full of pleasure for themselves personally.
The appearance of children changes the usual way of life and thoughts. Their absence becomes a problem of self-realization for many and a reason for silent pity on the part of others.

4. Cooling of feelings. The husband still loves and wants, but the wife cuts off all hints of sex. The opposite situation also happens, despite the assurances of sexologists that a man wants it always and everywhere.

5. Boredom, habit, monotony. Every day is like Groundhog Day. The same gestures, conversations, words, deeds. When will anything happen?

6. One of the partners’ own internal crisis. Perhaps the most difficult option is when no one moves to the left, love, respect, prosperity are present, but something has broken inside one of the spouses. And what exactly is sometimes unclear even to the culprit himself.

Who is guilty?
1. Inexperience. Sometimes for the stable good relations you need to make a lot of effort, but young husbands and wives don’t yet know what kind of effort and how to do it.

2. Discrepancy between the desired and the actual. Who among us does not paint an ideal picture of family life in our imagination? For those entering marriage for the first time, it often seems like an exciting game or a quiet, cozy haven. And if everything happens exactly the opposite, many will be disappointed.

3. Intolerance and impatience. Enemies of all couples. I want everything to always be as it should be and only as I want!

4. Reluctance to solve problems. For family life to work out like a picture in a puzzle, you must at least want to create this picture.

5. Lack of love. The main reason that can lead to a crisis in family life and the preservation of which without love often makes no sense.

What to do?
It happens that the only true way out family crisis – divorce. When you no longer have the strength to endure, you don’t want to make efforts, the spouses have nothing left in common, only mutual claims and reproaches. Many people prefer this option if they have somewhere to go other than emptiness and the unknown.

In a situation where nothing in the family can be changed only for the reason that “the hunchbacked grave will correct” and it is impossible to leave, all that remains is to reconcile and endure.

But if both spouses have a desire to glue the family boat together, living together can still be a source of happiness. And this requires banal things - patience and work.

1. Don't be silent. Talk, express your complaints and desires to each other, excluding rude words and insults. Otherwise, how will you convey your grievances and vision of the situation to your partner?

2. Make compromises. Concessions and periodically stepping on the throat of one’s own song are salvation for many couples. Do not turn family life into constant competition and competition.

3. Be a reasonable egoist. Don't focus solely on the life of your partner, children, or characters in your favorite TV series. Develop - if you are interesting to yourself, you will be interesting and desirable to your loved ones.
4. Know how to forgive and ask for forgiveness. Life together is nowhere without forgiveness. Even though it can be very difficult.

5. Don't live according to a pattern. As you know, what is good for a German is death for a Russian. So in family life - who said that you have to do everything like the Ivanovs, Petrovs, Sidorovs, like your parents, grandfathers and great-grandfathers lived and did?

Live in a way that makes your family comfortable and happy. Change your habits and change yourself. After all, the world does not stand still.

Oksana Burkova for Women's magazine"Lovely"

Question to a psychologist:

Hello! I have a problem that is really bothering me. I can't live a normal family life. I am in my third marriage, which is also literally bursting at the seams. My first husband (we had been friends for many years) started drinking as soon as I gave birth, and I endured it for three years and left. I was left alone with my son, now he is 12. For my second marriage, I found a man who loved to walk and relax, and I am a homebody, in the end he started playing slot machines and in the end he said I don’t need your child. I got divorced right away. There were no children together. Then after that there was great disappointment. A few years later, third marriage. Now we are together, but again this man does not suit me - he is rude, he can call me names and hit me. Proud. He says if you don’t like it, get a divorce. He doesn’t like to work, he doesn’t want to earn money for housing. We live with my Mom. I have a terrible relationship with her. She kicks me out. He always chooses the policy that all my husbands are a hundred times better than me. In general, she is domineering and never supports me. Looking at this, my husband also began to insult me. Do not respect. Our son is already one and a half years old. I would get a divorce, but I don’t want my second son to grow up without a father. And it’s a shame to get divorced for the third time!!! Moreover, I live in a village. And so everyone condemns me for being married for the third time. Not a single mother-in-law loved me, and the mother of my third husband generally hated me. For two years neither my husband nor I communicated with her. When her son was born, she pretended that nothing had happened. We're talking now. When my husband made peace with her, resentment lived in my soul. I can't do anything about it. I don’t want to communicate with her after everything she did to me, but I do it through force for the sake of my husband. He is a mother's boy. Listens to her in everything. Madly in love. If I speak about her in the wrong tone, I might hit her. As a result, what I have is a failed third marriage. Two sons 12 and 1.5 years old. A mother who does not support me, calls me names, humiliates me in front of others. My father died, but I drank throughout my childhood, my nerves were very frayed. There is nowhere to live. There is nowhere to go. I have no money, I'm on maternity leave. I don’t know how to live with such a husband. I don't want intimacy at all. I constantly have to bow to my husband, he is very proud and sulks at everything. By the way, until he was thirty, he lived with his mother and had no relationship, only with me. My life is like hell. I live in a village, because of him I don’t even have anyone to communicate with here. Depression began, pain, health problems, phobia of getting sick. All because of the stress of such a life. But I have no idea what to do. How to start life from scratch? Where to begin? I'm afraid to be alone, I always want love and support. But I don’t get it from anywhere. What have I done wrong in my life? Tell me what are my mistakes and how to get out of this vicious circle? I can say about myself that I am a sociable and friendly person. Vulnerable and suspicious. There is self-doubt. I am often indecisive. Doubting. Although I have a fairly attractive appearance, athletic. I don’t get offended for more than five minutes and I’m not vindictive. I can be lazy. But if they attack me, I will give a tough rebuff. I desperately want to be loved and appreciated. I miss this all my life. I don't know how to flatter. I'm telling the truth. It seems like she told everything about herself. Thank you for your answer and help.

Psychologist Natalya Mikhailovna Kharchenko answers the question.

Good afternoon Olga! I really want to help you, If I answer your question: “How to start from scratch?” on a symbolic level it is to be born again. Everything we do throughout our lives is connected with our parents, our childhood, and family relationships. You described your mother and father, don’t you think that you choose men who treat you in much the same way as your parents treated you. The pattern of behavior established in the family is often repeated throughout adult life. It’s not that your marriage is unsuccessful, your husbands are unsuccessful, but you choose them. This happens when a person has a traumatic childhood and already in adulthood we ourselves create such similar situations in order to give ourselves a chance to live it differently. You say that you don’t want to get a divorce because of a child, but then what model of behavior will your children inherit? What behavior will they copy, because boys identify with their father and then we can assume that they will do the same to their wife and children. Do you want to change something in your life, I think yes, since you have already thought about it and have the courage to ask for help. It is important to understand what is best for you, what you want in the future for yourself and your children, what kind of family, what example of relationships you want to show them, there are two options: either be a despot or always obey. Or the third option, that there is an opportunity not to go with the flow and change something in order to live happier. After reading your letter I wanted to write run away from there. You definitely need psychotherapeutic help so that your psyche gets stronger and you can stand up to your loved ones, so that you can understand that you deserve better, then your life will change and worthy people will come into your life and you will be able to pay attention to them without thinking that I don't deserve them. Good luck to you!

Nadezhda, Moscow

Why can't I have a normal family life?

Hello. I have this problem. In 2011, my husband and I got married. Everything seemed to go well at first, we were slowly settling in. Three or four months later they decided to get married. And then everything went wrong for me. First, my ring rolled off from the priest, then my wedding candle began to fall constantly, which soon broke in half. Then, at work, I received a very serious injury - a fracture, which the doctors could not recognize for a long, long time; at the same time, I became very swollen, beyond recognition. We had to live separately with these problems for a long time. Finally, having recovered a little, I decided to go to Moscow to earn extra money, where I am to this day. By the way, here in Moscow I have returned to normal. But for some reason, when I come on vacation and meet my husband, I feel like I’m feeling bad again. The last time I thought I was going to lose consciousness. I'm already afraid to return to family life. Maybe this is not my person? But you can’t get debunked. Am I going to have to suffer like this for the rest of my life? Help me please. I can't do it anymore. I want a normal family.

Hello. You described a lot of different events, among which there is something for you to show sympathy for - your severe injury (fracture). All other “events,” in my opinion, should not cause so much attention on your part. I mean a ring, a candle, etc. I don’t think that the fault of your “adventures” is your wedding with your husband, as you present it in the letter. Yes, sometimes you can read examples in patristic literature that describe an attack on a person’s soul with the aim of confusing it, especially when the person is clearly going to God. A wedding is a blessing from God. It cannot be ruled out that your emotional embarrassment was not tolerated, but the likelihood of this, based on the situation you describe, is negligible, in my opinion. Therefore, you should not pay attention to all those events that have already been mentioned. It's worth thinking about something else.

Your family should occupy your most attention right now. Or rather, that it does not exist as such. And, in my opinion, you shouldn’t come up with non-existent reasons. You seem to be simply very burdened by family life; you are more satisfied with complete “freedom”. And the reason for your “distress” is not that your husband is “not your man,” but that you were not ready for family life, you don’t want a family, you are burdened by your relationship with your husband. You did not become a wife, you did not understand and did not accept the fact that you are now a WIFE, you have a HUSBAND, you have a family. You come to your husband, and thereby your comfort zone is immediately violated. It’s good for you alone in Moscow, that’s why it’s so bad in the “family”. Look how many years you have been married, but the family as such has not yet developed. You didn't write whether you have children, but I assume not.

Answer yourself the question: why did you get married? The answer to it will clarify a lot and put it in its place. If you want, as you write, “a normal family,” create one. A normal family will not work out at a distance and despite the fact that you are always expecting that you will feel bad now, that something will happen to you now. Don't make anything up, just be honest, friendly and open with your family. A family must be “built” on the basis of love, respect, and care for each other. Switch your attention from yourself to your husband, to your relationship with him. You haven't written anything about this at all. Too much attention to myself in how I feel, whether I’m good or bad. And you ask yourself: what kind of wife am I? Is my husband happy with me?

Well, and, of course, pray, turn to the Savior, the Mother of God, and the holy saints of God for help. It wouldn’t hurt to go talk to your spiritual father.