In my opinion, a grandmother is a very special person for a child. It is she who a child comes to if he has a conflict with his parents, she is the one who will always listen and carefully give advice on what to do, she is the one who cooks borscht or bakes pies best of all. The grandmother will definitely save up for her precious grandson for the gift he most wants, and will always find time to tinker with him in the sandbox or read a fairy tale. In general, a grandmother can fill childhood with magic, kindness and hope.
And those families who have just such a grandmother are lucky. She is not trying to replace her mother and is quite happy with her, albeit not the main, but very, very important role. She has no need to fight for her grandchildren, because she knows very well what a huge place she occupies in their hearts. And she understands that it is too late to raise her adult children - she has already done everything she could. Of course, if they ask, he will give advice; if you don’t agree with something, he will first find out all the circumstances.
Ideal grandma? Why not?! After all, she has experience, wisdom and patience behind her, which young parents so often lack.
How to love your grandson. Instructions for grandma.
I saw a mother’s question on Facebook about how the child would not leave his grandmother’s side, and the grandmother accused the mother of being jealous. In short, women are confused. I'm a grandmother myself. It's been a little over three years now. And I love my granddaughter Eva very much, and I’m ready to see her hundreds of times a week.
Trouble with outrages, play hide and seek, build towers, knock down Christmas trees and laugh the way only she can laugh. More often we see each other on Skype, and when I don’t come to the children for a long time, I’m overwhelmed by the obsession that the girl might get out of the habit of me, forget me, and treat me like a stranger. Therefore, the desire to fly in and fill all its space is understandable. BUT!
I understand that my number is number two. Initially and always. Number one is mom and dad. Dot. This has nothing to do with love - I love her as much as my son, as his wife Anechka.
My number two is common sense if I want my kids to be happy.
My number two is a way to avoid stupid competition for Eve's love.
My number two is the understanding that the girl did not come into this world so that I could correct the mistakes in raising my own child and make me happy.
My number two is accepting children’s approaches in raising their own child, and not imposing my “invaluable” experience.
Of course, grandmothers are the most experienced mothers. But they should not forget that this experience will not fall on young mothers and fathers. If they ask, I will answer, show, teach. Are they going their own way? Great! I'll look, ask, and learn. Life has changed a lot. I was taught to feed the child semolina porridge, be sure to serve him bread, not to travel anywhere with him for two years, and to put him to sleep, rocking him to sleep. Eva travels with her parents and falls asleep lying in her crib listening to Anechka’s quiet lullaby or her son reading a fairy tale.
Being number two does not mean eliminating. This only indicates the degree of influence of the grandmother on the baby’s life. I am always ready to be there, but without imposing my decisions regarding the upbringing of the girl, without overshadowing the importance of the parents and understanding that they remain the main educators.
In addition, I understand how IMPORTANT it is to agree on what rules I will not break under any circumstances: how to feed the child, how to talk to him, how to dress him, when to put him to bed, what to punish and reward for. After all, mom and dad spend most of the time with the child. Therefore, there is no need to disturb them. And every adult must consciously accept everything you discuss.
At the same time, I know that everyone needs to be consistent: if mom prohibits something, then grandma shouldn’t allow it on the sly. I always remember that children really appreciate my help. I also understand that she cannot harm: there should be peace and tranquility in the family, and normal relations between all of us.
When I see Eva running to meet mom or dad and hanging on them, completely forgetting about me, I quietly rejoice. After all, their love, care, and affection give her a feeling of security, relieve her of irrational fears in the future, form adequate self-esteem and self-confidence, encourage creativity, and program her for success.
It happens that something goes wrong in the family: nervousness between grandmothers and parents, the child reacts inappropriately to one of you, cries when one of you leaves... Sit down and talk. Discuss your approaches. Say what you like and what you will never accept. Agree on the rules of interaction. I'm not discovering America. It's obvious. True, more often people remain silent and move further away from each other.
It seems to me that being a real parent means:
- Know your child perfectly.
- Communicate with your child without an intermediary - this includes everything that stands between you and the child: telephone, computer, chewing gum...
- Have a taste for life - perceive all events only positively.
- Smile at your child often.
- Communicate with your baby in a civilized manner.
- To be a super mom and a super dad, a super daughter and a super son, a super grandma and a super grandpa.
Once upon a time, maybe 10 years – 12 years ago, my son expressed the idea that he wanted me to raise his future child.
“I like the way you raised me, I want him to grow up the same way.”
Most likely he forgot about it. But I remember very well and clearly, and I still feel the warmth of such trust. True, this idea remained unrealized: I am a grandmother, and my number is number two. And the opportunity to experience fatherhood and motherhood turned out to be much more exciting and tempting while traveling through the endless expanses of Life...
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The Sibmama website is already 16 years old. It is not surprising that over the years some members of the forum have had not only children, but also grandchildren! "Oh my god, I'm not ready to be a grandma yet!" - we repeat, looking at the growing children. But when the first grandchild appears, many change their point of view. Want to know how? Well, here is an essay from our forum member whose granddaughter was born. Read and find out about everything first-hand!
We are all different, but there are main axioms in the validity of which we are equally convinced. For example, children are given to us for happiness.
When I was a child, a girl, a girl, I was completely convinced of this, and this is exactly how I saw my happiness - an angel-like baby in curls and with dimples on his cheeks. Maybe two...
Smart, beautiful, healthy children - this is a goal worthy of the titanic efforts that I was ready to make, and to achieve which we as a family had to work shoulder to shoulder. I was lucky; my husband shared my aspirations. More precisely, he did not dispute them. There were two babies. With a sufficiently large interval so as not to turn our life into endless service.
” The first one, of course, got more. He was raised like Spock. Now every mother knows that there is no ideal method, and that not a single theoretical view is worth even a minute of a child’s cry. But the great American pediatrician was strict and honest with his readers - our child ate by the hour, fell asleep on his own, used the potty strictly from the right age, walked, cooed, talked and read as and when the mother, who was moving towards her goal, considered it necessary.
It was a bit difficult, of course, the baby had a strong character by nature, but growing up worthy person he somehow did not strive, so manifestations of his unconsciousness, such as crawling on one knee or delaying phrase speech, overshadowed the period of his early childhood. But nothing, the involvement of specialists of all stripes, the development of a plan to overcome problems and its scrupulous implementation did their job, and we brought someone completely ready for exploits to the first grade. public life a man who was physically strong, well-read and had only two shortcomings - he fought and loved to roar himself. But it was planned to work with this.
Meanwhile, the second baby arrived, even more beautiful than the first, and, perhaps as a bonus, more accommodating. The goal was still the same, but it was a pity to torture the handsome guy with Spock.
” At that time, it was customary to take other routes to the goal - does anyone remember William and Martha Sears now? No? And my child hung in a sling for 12 hours, and his first food was avocado. Seriously. It's good that human babies are so tenacious.
By the way, I was pleased with the avocado. There were no allergies to it, no digestive disorders, I did it at home while no one was looking, so there were no heart attacks from older relatives or suggestions from representatives traditional medicine. Needless to say, we didn’t even have any nipples, bottles, formulas or canned purees. I was a very convinced mother. It was simply dangerous to argue.
The second baby also grew up. By that time, in my soul, driven by the search for the best for my best children, the conviction had matured that the existing education system was deeply flawed in its essence, and that we would find a worthy alternative to it. We will find a school where the child will not stupidly memorize unnecessary information, but will grow, develop, learn to be an individual, argue and find the truth on his own. Demand creates supply, such a school has been found.
It is clear that such an educational experiment required vigilant parental supervision. They didn't teach the multiplication tables at school, so why this stupid cramming? Reading books amazed the imagination with the stories of various Fenris and Balders. It was hard. Anyway, we learned the multiplication tables secretly and read traditional books in secret without a teacher. Perhaps this was also deep meaning- Don’t put on the teacher what you can do yourself. The experiment lasted several years and ended in an inglorious transfer to a traditional lyceum with the loss of a year and the hiring of tutors. But, since everything always ends well, this story was no exception, the lyceum has already been completed with a decent score, and student life is in full swing in all directions.
In general, I am telling these heartbreaking details to make it clear that these 20-odd years of motherhood were not easy for me. Even taking into account the fact that the children grew up in peacetime, in a complete, prosperous family and did not have significant health problems, life was not a holiday.
” Now that that initial goal has been achieved - the children have grown up, and the result is quite acceptable - I look down from this mountain at the path along which we climbed, and I understand that there were a lot of places to rest on it that we did not take advantage of. Lots of beautiful views that we didn't get to see. Just a giant pile of rides on the sides that we didn’t ride, because we had a goal, we were going up. And I understand that this is correct.
And not so long ago, twenty-three years after my first acquaintance with such a wonderful place as a maternity hospital, I had an excellent reason to remember all this again. Not on the run and in soap, but in my current reality, in which I have time for myself, for my hobbies, where I don’t have to do five things at once and run somewhere all the time. That first baby, whom at the beginning of my story I raised according to Spock, he grew up, got married, turned into a brutal two-meter type, and then his daughter was born. Accordingly, I have a granddaughter.
And suddenly, thinking about my many years of experience in using all these near-pedagogical - I’m not afraid of this word - perversions, I realized a terrible thing about myself - no one needs all this experience! Well, no one at all - not the new baby, not his parents, not even myself, for whom the new mom and dad, I must say, had high hopes for expert opinion on a variety of issues concerning this baby.
” I know how much is needed gauze diapers. I can boil oil. I can swaddle anyone so that he will never get free. I can pipette Apple juice two-month old baby and I know how to make avocado puree absolutely homogeneous. I remember the coordinates of all the speech therapists and massage therapists from twenty years ago. I will teach anyone to wrap a child around themselves with a scarf! It's funny, but none of this is useful.
But that's not the point. My granddaughter has a wonderful mother. She has her own life, her own experience and her own ideas. And - which is not surprising - she has her own goal! She also wants to raise her daughter as a worthy person, healthy, smart and happy, and she also has a plan on how to achieve this. It’s still abstract, but it’s already starting to acquire details.
” And here I come to the main idea of my story. Dear mothers, dear grandmothers! I realized the difference between us! Or rather, what is the difference between being a mother and being a grandmother - for one person, for the same woman.
Mom always has goals on the horizon, strategic - so that the child grows up with a certain set of qualities, and a whole set of tactical current goals, we need to sit down, go, learn to chew, master the potty, speak, learn to read, and so on down the list. We are worried, we are rushing for time and the child, and this is completely normal and very in tune with human nature - we live in anticipation of better times. Maybe there is happy parents who are able to relax and simply live, communicating with a child without any methodological background and a constant desire to somehow develop and promote this child, but there are vanishingly few of them.
And so, when the child grows up and one fine day brings you your own child - it suddenly dawns on you - wow!!! This moment, this feeling that you have been striving unattainably for so many years - everything is already good. You are already happy, here, now, cloudlessly and regardless of your position regarding any goals. There are other people responsible for the overall state of affairs - you can just enjoy yourself. Everything is under control, but not under yours. You take the child in your arms, take a deep breath of air from his hair - and you understand: yes, but the game was worth the candle.
” And it is very important to be able to maintain this state within yourself. I constantly repeat to myself: you are not a mother. Mom is not you. Do not worry. Don't bother with your overvalued advice. Just hug, kiss, pamper, completely irresponsibly and with impunity.
If you want to take a stroller for a walk, go for a walk; if you don’t want to, don’t go. If you want to carry it on your handles, please, as much as you like; if you don’t want to, no problem. You don't have to decide anything. You are not responsible for anything. Just be happy. In general, I’m not very sure that children are given to us specifically for happiness. I think they were given to us for many other reasons - for growth, for improvement, for understanding the main and non-important things.
And for happiness we have been given grandchildren. This is a bonus. Then you will understand!
Probably every grandmother dreams of becoming the best herself, strives to pass on her experience and knowledge to the younger generation. The main aspects are as follows:
- providing assistance to one’s own children in raising children;
- educational games with children (promote speech development, logical thinking and motor skills);
- careful study of literature on child care;
- communication with grandchildren.
Important! In order to properly raise your grandchildren, you need to act calmly and wisely. It is recommended to agree on the methodology and methods to be used with the baby’s parents.
The main qualities of a good grandmother
Proper upbringing of grandchildren implies compliance with certain rules. Good grandma must have a certain set of qualities.
1. Patience
It is necessary to show great patience with your own children and grandchildren. Kids rarely behave appropriately; they usually do not obey, and sometimes they can become completely uncontrollable.
In this situation, you should not quarrel and shout, because such behavior is a process of the child growing up. You need to select a method of behavior with a small child, try to understand the reasons for disobedience.
2. Empathy
It implies empathy for another person. The grandmother should accept the child as he is and try to look at the world through his eyes. It is recommended to enjoy the environment and everything that happens around you together with your baby. The ability to empathize helps to guess in advance emotional condition grandchildren.
3. Listening skills
You need to listen carefully to young children. You cannot dismiss them or laugh at what they say. You should always encourage the child, be there and treat their wishes with care.
4. Generosity
One of the qualities of a good grandmother is generosity. However, this should not be understood as the purchase and purchase of expensive toys and items. Grandmother should be generous with hospitality and a warm welcome. You should never refuse a child if he asks for help or advice.
5. Opportunity to be close
You shouldn’t think that a grandmother’s responsibilities only include treating her to food and buying expensive gifts. Time spent with grandchildren is the most valuable gift a grandmother can give to a child.
6. Keeping your distance
It implies the absence of intrusiveness and moralizing. You should not try to impose your methods of education on the child’s parents. It is necessary to find a compromise on various issues. Parents must adhere to their parenting method, even if it does not meet the grandmother's expectations.
7. Showing love
It is believed that it is not their parents who love their grandchildren most, but their grandmothers. It is always necessary to support the younger generation in any situation; they should feel supported and safe.
There are certain tips to follow when raising grandchildren.
1. Combination of love
Don't turn your attention to children. We should not forget about our own children. Even adults need care, support and love. The combination of love helps preserve good relations and a healthy family environment.
2. Unobtrusive help
Care must be taken in helping parents. You can get carried away and become too intrusive. You should not try to undermine the authority of the parents in the eyes of the child. Parenting recommendations should not be discussed in the presence of the baby.
The child grows and develops very quickly. Grandmother should know about his hobbies and support them. It is best to find common interests and activities that help you bond with your grandchild.
For example:
- cooking together;
- walks in the open air;
- going to the cinema and other entertainment venues;
- watching interesting and entertaining programs on TV;
- caring for pets and other leisure activities.
3. Conflict resolution
Every quarrel has a good reason. While creating conflict situation we need to look for joint methods to solve it. Sometimes it's worth giving in and compromising. Showing wisdom is one of the qualities of a good grandmother.
4. Transfer of experience and knowledge
When raising a child, it is necessary to pass on the accumulated knowledge and skills to him. This will help the child grow up to be an intelligent and self-sufficient person.
5. The ability to grow above yourself
It's never too late to learn something new. It is recommended to constantly improve and try to become better. Today it is very common to meet elderly people in educational institutions. You can enroll in parenting courses or try to learn a new profession.
Information progress does not stand still; small children can handle electronic devices at a young age. If you do not have computer skills, you should ask your children for help. You can also enroll in courses that teach you how to operate various electronic devices.
The main mistakes when raising grandchildren
The main mistake is this: the grandmother is trying to replace the baby’s natural mother. This absolutely cannot be done - you need to provide your help, but not take full responsibility on yourself.
It is recommended to set parents as an example, especially when the child does not obey and acts out. A good grandmother does not try to lower the authority of the parents and does not turn the child against them. She strives to create harmony in the family and takes care of the health of her loved ones.
Conclusion
This article talks about how to become a good grandmother to your grandchildren. Basic recommendations and tips for raising children are described. Common mistakes that are made when raising a child are also discussed. Many women in old age dream of once again experiencing the joy of motherhood. After the birth of their grandchildren, they can help their children raise and care for the newborn.
A small child requires constant monitoring and attention. Therefore, grandmother’s help will be very helpful. She will be able to give the baby’s parents a little break from their worries. You should adhere to certain requirements when raising your grandchildren:
- conducting educational games;
- ability to listen to the baby;
- showing patience;
- generosity towards the child;
To succeed in your new role, you need to bury the hatchet, resolve problems in your relationship with your children, and get rid of negative feelings that have likely been building up for years.
Think about all the claims, prejudices, attacks of jealousy. It's never too late to try to resolve past conflicts - from fundamental disagreements to simple misunderstandings. Your goal is lasting peace. This is the only way you can become a part of your grandson’s life, and when he grows up, set an example healthy relationships between close people.
“My daughter-in-law always had a lot of rules for me,” recalls 53-year-old Maria. “I was outraged by her attitude.” Then my grandson appeared. When I held him in my arms for the first time, I realized that I had to make a choice. Now I smile at my daughter-in-law whether I agree with her or not, because I don't want her to have a reason to keep me away from my grandson. He was about three years old when we were rising from the basement and he suddenly took my hand. “I’m holding your hand not because I need it,” he said proudly, “but because I love you.” Moments like these are worth biting your tongue.”
2. Respect your children's rules
The arrival of a baby changes everything radically. It can be difficult to accept that you now have to play by your children's (and your daughter-in-law's) rules, but your new position dictates that you follow their lead. Even when your grandson is visiting you, you should not behave differently. Your children and their partners have their own opinions, points of view, systems and parenting styles. Let them set their own boundaries of what is allowed for the child.
Parenting in the 21st century is different than it was a generation ago. Modern parents get information from the Internet, social networks and forums. Your advice may seem old-fashioned, and perhaps it is. Wise grandparents act with caution and deliberately demonstrate respect for new, unfamiliar ideas.
Let new parents know that you understand how scared and tired they are right now, and that any worried new parent feels the same way. Be friendly and let your presence help them relax a little. This will affect the child, who will also become calmer. Remember that your grandson always benefits from such behavior.
3. Don't let your ego get in your way.
We feel slighted if our words don't carry as much weight as they once did, but expectations need to be adjusted. When (and if) you give advice, don't insist. Better yet, wait to be asked.
Research shows that when grandparents hold their grandchild for the first time, they become flooded with the “love hormone” oxytocin. Similar processes occur in the body of a young mother who is breastfeeding. This suggests that your connection with your grandson is very important. It’s also important to understand that you are now the chief operating officer, not the executive. You'll have to accept it, because your grandchildren need you.
Representatives of the older generation provide a connection with the past and help in shaping the personality of their grandson
A study conducted by the University of Oxford found that children who have grandparents involved in their upbringing tend to be happier. In addition, they more easily cope with the consequences of difficult events such as parental separation and illness. Also, representatives of the older generation provide a connection with the past and help in shaping the personality of their grandson.
Lisa was the first daughter of two successful and therefore terribly busy lawyers. The older brothers teased and humiliated the girl so much that she gave up trying to learn anything. “My grandmother saved me,” the girl admitted a week before receiving her doctorate. “She sat with me on the floor for hours and played games that I never tried to learn. I thought I was too stupid for this, but she was patient, encouraging, and I stopped being afraid of learning something new. I started to believe in myself because my grandmother kept telling me that I can achieve anything if I try.”
Adapting to the unusual role of a grandparent is not easy, sometimes unpleasant, but it is always worth the effort!
“WHAT IS HE WEARING?”
Whether it's an Iron Maiden T-shirt, a Gucci suit, or an Adidas tracksuit, it's none of your business how your grandson dresses. Criticism is appropriate only when he is still very small and he is clearly uncomfortable from the heat or cold.
“WHAT DO YOU FEED HIM?”
At least Pringles chips. This is not your child. Let the parents deal with the consequences themselves. After all, weren’t you the one who believed in mashed banana cookies for your three-month-old daughter in the late 70s? Same thing.
"HE NEEDS STRICT DISCIPLINE"
Discipline is a very subtle matter. There is no need to be afraid that your grandson will grow up to be a sissy if the parents communicate with him kindly and he understands everything.
“I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MYSELF”
Comparisons are pointless. Your grandson is not you. And if you don't want to eat crayons, move away and let him have more.
“ARE YOU SURE THIS IS SAFE?”
Actually yes. Most parents take care of their children. And if their child climbs the horizontal bars like a monkey, they probably thought about what to allow. How to become a good grandmother in our time.
"IN MY TIME"
Yes, this can be the start of a fascinating memory, but it sounds like a hidden criticism. And then, times have changed. You didn't have iPads, and you wouldn't send a child playing with a wooden sword in a cornfield.
"I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE, BUT"
You've already intervened. And without permission. Be careful in your criticism, think twice - is it necessary?
“OF COURSE I AM NOT THE GOOD GRANDMOTHER”
Uh, uh! Stop. There is no need to extort recognition of your exclusivity. And stop being jealous of another grandmother. Don't drive wedges into relationships. If there are two of you grandmothers, then you have to live with it.
“I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU FOR TWO WEEKS”
And what? The more you complain, the more it sounds like harassment. Surprise! Your children and grandchildren have their own lives: work, study, friends. Don't pull the blanket of attention exclusively onto yourself. No one has ever loved anyone under duress.
"I LIVE EXCLUSIVELY FOR YOU"
There is no need to live exclusively for someone, this is a veiled accusation. Try to live for yourself. And communicate with younger people only when it is truly a joy for both you and them.
