Family problems. When else to be a hooligan and live to the fullest, if not in childhood

Dear users of the site “All Psychologists”, today we are pleased to present to your attention an interview with a consulting psychologist in matters of family and child-parent relationships, internal personality problems, developer and presenter of the author’s trainings, NLP practitioner Elena Sergeevna Shenderova

- Hello, Elena. We are very pleased that you chose the time and agreed to answer our questions.

Hello Saida. I would like to thank you for the honor and will be glad to talk with you.

- Elena, I would like to talk about such an important topic - family problems. As practice shows, very a large number of calls for help to our website come specifically to the family relationships section. Therefore, today my questions will concern the most common problems in married couples.

Well, I work with couples quite often, and I think I have something to tell you.

- OK. Then the first question. What family problems do people most often come to you with?

It is difficult to gradate and determine which requests are more numerous, since the range of these problems is very diverse, but mainly these are the following family problems:

• relationship problems between young spouses related to the formation of joint family values, with the need to adapt to new roles, to the partner himself, his views, interests, moral and ethical values, life goals and attitudes, ways of responding to conflicts, behavior in everyday life and in stressful situations;
• the problem of emotional cooling between spouses in period of child's birth- this is a crisis period when cooling and distance between spouses often occurs - a woman (mother, wife) is immersed in caring for the child, and a man begins to feel abandoned, a feeling that is further aggravated by a decrease in self-esteem as a father, his authority, in connection with because the mother knows more on an instinctive level what the child needs, why he cries, what he wants, but the man cannot figure it out and often the care of the child falls on the woman, who also needs the man’s help and support during this period. Here it is important for spouses to realize and accept new roles for them and adapt to them, to build relationships with each other not only in the husband-wife relationship, but also in the father-mother relationship;
• problems in relationships between spouses mature age, when one of the spouses goes through a midlife crisis period, often accompanied by infidelity and leaving the family (mainly men). There is a revaluation of all life achievements - marriage partner, career; the realization that most of life has already been lived, that all the choices have been made, that the years are passing, there is a fear of what lies ahead. Therefore, during this period, it is often men who start relationships on the side, as if trying to try to live life again, to feel like a full-fledged man, still capable of pleasing women, but gradually this veil of illusions subsides and the realization of the irreversibility of time comes, and men often return to the family , to his wife and children, who, in turn, also find it very difficult to understand what motivated their spouse and accept him;
• There are also problems associated with children growing up, when older children leave and live their own lives (the “empty nest” crisis). However, in our country there is a specificity related to the fact that generations (fathers and children) often continue to live under the same roof, the internal boundaries of the family are erased, which negatively affects the life of a young family. In such a situation, it is important for both the young family and the parents to understand how to build new relationships in order to allow each family to live their own lives and respect their relatives;
• Situations are also very common where a woman is subjected to violence by her husband and she does not have the strength to counteract this and break this vicious circle. At the same time, the woman is looking for an excuse (the thought that she does not deserve more; feeling guilty in front of her children), while suffering humiliation and insult, beatings and threats. She needs help and support to see the situation from the outside, possible consequences, find resources to overcome the current situation;
• problems between spouses arising due to the presence of various types of addictions in one of them (alcohol, gaming, sexual, food, etc.). This is also generally more disturbing for women who strive to help their husbands, continuing to live only in the hope of change, while they themselves fall into codependency, not understanding and not realizing that the husband’s personality has already undergone changes, and that they continue to live with the wrong thing. a person whom they knew, and already with his “illness”;
• I am often approached with problems related to children’s behavior, issues of upbringing, children’s habits, their personality traits and characteristics;

All this is just a small list of problems that are encountered in the practice of a psychologist - there are other family problems that are also difficult for people - the loss of a partner or children, divorce and its consequences for ex-spouses and children, experiencing a serious illness and many others.

- Do you have any specific schemes when working with married couples?

When working with married couples, efficiency is important - I work with the family as an integral system. First, it is important to understand what may lie in the depths of the problem (since sometimes couples come with completely everyday problems, behind which lie deep-seated feelings that they hide from each other, and sometimes from themselves). Based on the perceived essence of the problem, work is carried out with family members. The main technique is a circular interview, which helps each family member to speak out on the problem, to voice what each of them thinks and feels. This helps to hear each other, and not make assumptions for the partner, which helps to reveal a family symptom and helps to identify intra-family resources necessary to overcome the problem. Each identified symptom must be positively reformulated so that all family members can see what they were receiving and what needs they were trying to satisfy. As part of the agreement made with family members, after each session, instructions are given (a kind of family homework that varies depending on the problem) that they agree to follow. There are also certain techniques for working with married couples that help to work through all internal family problems and establish communication ties.

This approach helps to increase responsibility and resolve problems quickly. All this together helps to most accurately detect the problem, understand what role it played, find ways to resolve it (constructive ways for the family to meet the needs of each of them), which contributes to the construction trust relationships between spouses, between parents and children, open expression of feelings and emotions, intimacy, restoration of harmonious and supportive relationships.

Joint attendance at family relations training helps to further improve them.

When someone comes to you with a problem in family relationships, can it be resolved by working with only one family member?

Often couples are aware of the presence of problems, but not everyone decides to come together - after all, this means that the problem is real and they have to face it face to face, and this is not easy. Therefore, more often one of the spouses comes (both wives and husbands apply), more often, of course, women, since they are more emotional and feel the problem, and most importantly, have a need to solve it (if a man is able to suppress these emotions within himself, then a woman expresses them openly). If the stated problem is related to the relationship between spouses (relationship style, quarrels, conflicts), then these problems can be resolved by working with one of the spouses, since changes occurring with one of them (as an element of the system) will begin to change the entire system, which will also contribute to the transition of relations between spouses to a new higher level.

If the source of the problem is related to the primary personal claims (and family problems are, as a consequence, secondary) of one of the spouses (and he refuses the help of a psychologist), then work, nevertheless, is possible indirectly through the present spouse, although this complicates the therapy and postpones the result in time.

- Can we say that when a family problem arises, one person is to blame?

You can never say that only one of the spouses is to blame for problems within the family. Both spouses always contribute to family problems, and refusal of one’s guilt and blaming one’s partner (considering that it is the spouse who must change and adapt) speaks of a desire to shift responsibility from oneself, of immature, infantile, selfish, if you like, childish a position that does not at all contribute to constructive solutions to emerging problems.

- What happens to a child’s psyche during a parental conflict?

Often, children tend to blame themselves for the discord between their parents, seeing how one of them (again, more often the mother) suffers, suffers humiliation, insults, betrayal, etc. The mother uses the child as a shield, blaming herself for depriving the child of a father. That is, there is a double charge. Thus, the mother shifts all responsibility from herself onto the shoulders of this little man who simply cannot bear this burden, much less save his parents’ marriage. These are not his functional tasks, the child grows up with a feeling of guilt that because of him his parents are unhappy, that he is bad, that he needs to be better so that his parents are happy. Justifying yourself as a child is completely unacceptable! The child develops a number of psychological complexes and problems that prevent him from building his own life.

- Is it possible to protect the child’s psyche from traumatic effects during the emergence of family problems?

Quarrels are almost inevitable in family life, but it is important for parents to adhere to some rules: do not sort things out in front of the child; do not blame or criticize the other parent in front of the child, trying to find your ally in him; do not use blackmail in relation to the child (this happens especially often when the parents are divorced - for example, "If you communicate with your father, you won't get a computer"). And in order to help a child form an idea of ​​family, you must try to be an example for the child - an example of the relationship between a woman and a man, between father and mother, between a child and parents - to show respect and love for each other, then such an environment will be psychologically healthy for the child.

In your opinion, is virtual communication with members of the opposite sex a symptom of an intra-family problem?

The presence of virtual communication does not always indicate internal problems of the family. It depends on what exactly the partner gets from this connection, why he needs it: whether he satisfies with this connection those needs that he cannot satisfy in a family with his spouse (attention, authority, intimacy, warmth, care, etc.) ; or - the partner has his own intrapersonal problems (complexes, fears, feelings unsatisfied in the past), and thus virtual communication helps him satisfy this. In all situations, it is important to understand that this is not a solution to the problem, but only some illusory way out of its solution, the creation of an ever stronger vicious circle around one’s problem, which only leads to distance from the partner, coldness, and closure. Therefore, it is important to learn to understand your problems and try to solve them together, because help and support loved one will help you cope with everything and save your family.

- What is the role of the spouses’ parents in the emergence of family problems?

In cases where the spouse’s parents have great influence on their already grown child and try in every possible way "help" to do for your child right choice, find a suitable partner, show how and what needs to be done correctly - conflicts and quarrels often arise between generations. Sometimes the spouse’s parents have great influence and cannot emotionally let go of the child, which only deprives this person of independence, maturity, and own life. Parents are also trying to live life for their adult child, and the other spouse quite naturally perceives this style of behavior and communication as an invasion into their life, a violation of personal boundaries, in which case the couple’s life together is at risk. Therefore, it is important for parents to realize that everyone is responsible for their own destiny and their own life, and has the right to choose the partner they simply love. Parents need to allow their now adult child to make mistakes on their own in order to gain experience with them. This does not mean that it is necessary to break off all relations with the child - no - it is important to put his life in his hands, and simply be able to listen to him when he needs it.

Even in the absence of obvious actual intervention of parents in the lives of spouses, each of the latter invests in family relationships elements of the style that was in the family of their parents. In many ways, the life of a young family is a reflection of the scenarios that existed in the families of the parents of both spouses.

How to help a young married couple build relationships with their parents to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings?

There are several options for how family life develops for a young couple, and for each of them specific recommendations can be given:

1. If a couple lives with the parents of one of the spouses, it is important to build a harmonious relationship with the parents, while maintaining the integrity of their small family. To begin with, it is better to agree on family responsibilities- this is where most of the quarrels happen - who will do what (cook, clean, shop, pay bills...), how the budget will be maintained, who will buy what for the house, etc. - to reduce possible misunderstandings to a minimum. If they live with their husband, then it is important for the daughter-in-law to build a relationship with her mother-in-law - and here it is important not to go to war with her, but to look for an ally in her - to ask and be interested in her life, her son (what he likes, what interests he has, what illness he may have. ..), what she cooks and how, just ask for advice, take an interest in her hobbies, what she likes, you can even sometimes give small gifts. All this only means that she will see and feel that she is interesting, that her opinion is significant, that no one is trying to break her authority and take away and turn her son against her - this is the traditional, most common option. If they live with their wife, then the situation is more complicated This is the case for the husband - since a man has a need to be the master and be responsible for his family, wife, home. But in that territory he does not feel like one, since there is his wife’s father, who is the master of the house. But even then, it is important to provide the husband with the opportunity to confirm his male authority - to involve him in household chores, to trust him with something, to work in the country, to improve the territory - in other words, everything that can allow a man to feel strong.
2. If a couple lives separately, then it is important to build and maintain relationships with both parents at a distance - discuss who will come to visit and when, who will give what, etc. in order to avoid blurring of family boundaries and not to allow parental super-control and attention into the family. It is still important to maintain a relationship with your parents - after all, time takes its toll and the parents are getting old and they will also need help. The couple, in turn, may also need help (help with the child, talk, consult, support) - this is moral and speaks about the person’s personality.

There are also different variations on the theme of where and with whom the couple lives, and accordingly, different family problems arise. But the most important thing for a couple is always to maintain integrity, while respecting their parents. Also, you should not be embarrassed to seek help from a psychologist if you find it difficult to figure out on your own how to behave and what to do!

- Do you think there are certain family scenarios and is it possible to overcome them?

Undoubtedly, a child grows up in a family and he accepts the relationships that he sees between his parents as normal, this is for him a model of relationships (between a man and a woman, husband and wife). Growing up, he tries to project the absorbed forms of behavior onto his family. So if a boy grows up without a father, then he has difficulties in building relationships with the opposite sex. Since he did not have a formed image of a father, he did not see how a man behaves in a relationship, it is difficult for him to adapt to the world of gender and perceive himself as a full-fledged man. This entails a lot of complexes. Also, if a boy grew up without a mother, there is no image of a woman and a full-fledged relationship, which is where problems arise in relationships with women, since he does not know what to expect and what to do.

A woman also faces the same difficulties in relationships if she, as a girl, grew up in a family where there is no father ( family history can be passed on from generation to generation: the grandmother raised her daughter alone, the mother also gave birth to a daughter and is raising her without a father). Then the girl may experience difficulties in building relationships, since she does not have a formed image of a man, she does not know and has not seen how relationships between a man and a woman can be built. She only saw how women live without men. In the future it may also be expected, the same thing to be taken into account.

Also, a burdened family scenario can haunt a child who was raised in a family where one of the parents had a mental illness (for example, schizophrenia), as this affects the parenting style. If it was the mother, then this has a more significant impact, since the mother’s task is to give the child a sense of trust and security, which she cannot give due to her illness. It is very difficult for a child to grow up experiencing the emotional coldness of his mother, the fact that she pushes him away. However, the most difficult thing for such a child is not to transfer the same style to his children, not to allow himself to project his childhood grievances and unrealized feelings onto them, while continuing to destroy the lives of his children.

But all this can be corrected if you turn to a psychologist and understand the sources of your problem, design a future for yourself with which there will be a place for everything - both happiness and love!

- How difficult is it to overcome the current family scenario?

Actually overcome parent script(roles, relationship style, embedded principles, attitudes...) is very difficult for a person, since the very awareness of what happened in the family can be tragic. Therefore, in therapy with such a problem, it is necessary not only to realize the destructive effects of the family script on life and destroy it, but also to fill the vacuum that has arisen in the ruins of the script with new content. It is necessary to build new guidelines (building and consolidating a new style of interaction, both with a spouse, with children, with parents; work on beliefs and values), which will lead a person along his own path.

It is worth noting that this work will require a lot of time and courage, but in return it can enable a person to resolve family problems and build a new life.

- What would you advise our readers to avoid the most common family problems?

To begin with, a young couple should take the decision to get married seriously - understand what motivates them (since there are both destructive and constructive motivations), what influenced their decision to get married. If this is an attempt to escape from some problems (financial, emotional), to prove to your parents your maturity, to be guided by social labels (it’s time to get married), due to an accidental pregnancy (as an attempt to keep a partner), regarding marriage as an attempt to escape loneliness - then these motivations do not contribute to building harmonious relations between spouses. Since they are not initially based on trust, respect and love, which means there will be no desire to work on the relationship, value it and the partner!

1. the marriage itself and the beginning of life together;
2. the birth of the first child, including the birth of subsequent children, is also considered separate periods of crisis;
3. the child’s entry into social institutions;
4. acceptance of the fact that the child is entering adolescence;
5. children grow up and build their own family, and parents are left alone;
6. death of one of the spouses.

All these periods are accompanied by problems arising in the family (quarrels, misunderstandings, distance, emotional coldness, etc.). However, in addition to the listed crises, there are also non-normative crises (which not all families may face): betrayal, divorce, serious illness of one of the family members, death of a family member. All these crises can be present in the life of a family, so it is important to know the specifics of family development in order to understand what is happening and how you can get out of these difficult situations.

It is also important for young spouses, at the dawn of a relationship, to harmoniously form communicative connections among themselves, to learn not to remain silent and not to suppress emerging emotions and feelings, but to constructively voice them, precisely on a sensory level, and not with the help of criticism and accusations (this will only lead to distance and misunderstanding). In this way, the partner will be able to hear the partner and understand him. This will help the couple cope with adversity and grievances together, and not accumulate them, only destroying trust.

In general, it is important to simply hear and listen to each other, appreciate and respect both your partner and yourself, then love and trust will reign in your family. And if difficulties or problems arise that are difficult to figure out on your own, you can seek help from a specialist who can help you understand the problem and find a way out.

Elena, thank you for your answers. I think that this information will be very useful to our readers and will help them in resolving family problems. I am not saying goodbye to you and I think that soon we will meet again and discuss another interesting topic. Good luck to you in your business.

Thank you Saida. It was a pleasure for me to answer your questions. It will be a pleasure to meet you again. Goodbye.

Hello, dear readers of the blog site! If something happens in your family that you do not like, for example, frequent quarrels, you should not pretend that everything is normal. Because the problems that have already appeared will come out at some point and can cause a lot of harm to you all.

All this needs to be pulled out and sorted out, and not hushed up. Who are you kidding? Strangers, pretending that everything is fine in your family?

But these strangers don’t care at all what’s going on in your personal life, they don’t want to help you, they’ll just gossip behind your back, gloat and forget.

Everyone is busy exclusively with their own lives, but every person thinks that he is at the center of the universe.

Therefore, overcome your difficulties before they become chronic, then it will be much more difficult to get rid of them. It’s like with an illness: you can take care of your health, or you can ignore the ailment until it turns out that your health is compromised and a long treatment awaits.

How to identify hidden problems? Pay attention to how you and your loved one quarrel. All couples fight, if this happens from time to time, it’s okay. Moreover, such disagreements help to express your feelings more clearly.

But when spouses quarrel for any reason, shout, and do not know how to speak respectfully during conflicts, this is a bad sign. If kindness has left your relationship, anger has settled in your heart, but you stubbornly pretend that everything is normal, and it is during a quarrel that anger spills out.

Or a wife wants to talk to her husband, but he avoids a serious topic, laughs it off, is not going to listen to her complaints, calls her names (jokingly), hides himself from her with a computer screen and pretends that his wife does not exist.

If you have already realized that all this applies to your family, do not be discouraged. First, think about what you can change, and then start working on the relationship. While everyone pretends that everything is fine, often quarrels or, conversely, plays in silence, the relationship will only get worse.

The problem needs to be solved, and both of you will have to do this, together, if, of course, you still love each other. Love can change a lot of things, so don't close your heart, don't be silent and show kindness.

How do children react to their parents' quarrels?

It is useless to interfere in other people's affairs, but women love to do this. If this happens to you, your mother-in-law constantly harasses you and does not allow you to live in peace, do not be silent and do not tolerate it. Talk to your husband first, explain to him what is happening.

It’s difficult for a man to understand your hints, and he won’t be able to understand women’s games at all. Therefore, you will have to work with him a little and slowly explain what you don’t like. It’s not worth dumping all the problems on your husband’s head right away, because he won’t understand anything, and he’ll even start complaining about his wife to his mother. And what will happen after this?!

All types of manipulations must be excluded, otherwise troubles will not be avoided. It is useless to pretend that everything is fine between you, to play the role of happy people, but at the same time torment and suffer from unfair treatment.

Many spouses prefer to keep quiet, not wash dirty linen in public, but at the same time they do not decide anything. As a result, they gradually move away from each other and simply live together as roommates. Without love and without happiness. But what kind of life is this? It is unlikely that you will wish this for yourself.

When problems that have existed for many years are hidden, it brings unpleasant results. Everyone in such a family will feel bad, uncomfortable, nervous and very tense. Each family member will carry problems within themselves; relatives will not be able to have a heart-to-heart talk, simply because they do not know how to do it.

Therefore, there is no need to remain silent, it is best to arrange family council to resolve pressing issues. Family is not just close people, it is love, trust, and the willingness to lend a shoulder in a difficult moment in life.

Never place your adult problems on your child's shoulders. Give your children love and care if you love them and want them to be happy. Do not let them witness your quarrels, so as not to cause severe psychological trauma.

When problems exist between husband and wife but are constantly ignored, an explosion will occur at some point. It is not known how such a marriage will end.

But if there was no love from the very beginning, if a woman chose the wrong reasons why she got married, everything will end sadly. But everything can be turned back, for this you need to learn to talk, trust each other and together determine an important goal that you need to achieve.

The goal can be completely different, it depends on specific people, on their attitude to life, the desire to stay together forever, not to upset each other and to share happiness.

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A close-knit family is considered an essential component of happiness. When harmony and mutual respect reign in such a small unit of society, each family member feels like an integral part of something very significant.

Modern family problems are significantly different from the problems of families of the last century. For changing psychological aspects social and material problems came. Along with the right to decide their own destiny, people have acquired greater responsibility for the well-being of the family, which many cannot cope with, if you pay attention to the number of divorces and dysfunctional families.

There are many problems in family life, however, each of them has a solution. And often divorce or separation are a false solution to existing problems.

Do you still want to have an idea about the main problems in the family and understand how to solve them, avoiding divorce? Let's discuss the main problems of the modern family, as well as their solutions.

What are the types of family problems?

So, the first problem is bad habits. Alcohol, smoking and drug addiction are increasingly appearing in modern families. Alcoholism can destroy any relationship, and modern society does not accept drug addicts at all.

However, these problems are not alone. There is also a gaming addiction. Gamblers can harm not only themselves personally, but also all their family and friends.

Such social problems family issues can only be resolved with the personal desire of the sick person. If this desire is present, then you can resort to hypnosis or special courses psychological assistance.

Family communication problems are in second place on the list of troubles that can destroy a family. Basically, these problems appear in people with completely different characters and social interests. Such people often have different views on raising children, behavior in society, as well as material issues.

However, despite different views on life, if people love each other, then compromises will save their relationship. It is necessary to select an option that suits both. Or alternate between each other’s desires.

The next problem is material issues. A small salary contributes to scandals in 39% of families. And this is a direct path to the destruction of family relationships.

To solve this problem, it is important to determine the essence of the existing conflict and try to eliminate it. It is not so easy for a young head of a family to find a decent job with good pay. And the wife must understand this. The right decision will try to help her husband increase his income, instead of “cutting” him day after day.

How to solve family problems in everyday life?

Domestic issues play a very important role in the relationships of a young family. Just yesterday, the young couple lived for their own pleasure, but now the problems and responsibilities of family life fall on their shoulders. In adult life Less time is devoted to romance, and everyday life completely eats up feelings.

To solve this problem, it is important to understand yourself. If love is still hot, allow yourself more joys and pay attention to each other.

An important problem modern families is the lack of common goals. Such couples simply go with the flow. Every day is similar to the previous one. The life of a young family is boring, and the spouses do not know what to do with themselves.

It is very important to make general plans. Even if it’s short-term, for example, how to spend a weekend. It is very good if the spouses manage to come up with a common dream and work together to achieve it.

A young couple needs to understand that their family comes first. The key to good family relationships is love and mutual respect. You should spend time together more often and show your loved one in every possible way how dear he is.

Video on the topic of the article

Family problems inevitably arise in life together. Even in the strongest union, based on mutual love and respect, quarrels and conflicts often occur. When loving couple decides to start their own family, people often have no idea what problems they will subsequently face. They will have to learn different social roles, take into account the interests of your significant other. The problem as such does not mean that people have lost the thread that connects them. A problem always indicates the need to work on oneself and learn to understand a loved one. Social difficulties often force people to unite and make significant efforts to solve complex problems. You should always remember that the problem will not disappear by itself, it must be solved.

Causes of problems in the family

The causes of problems in the family are very different. Most often, they relate to financial difficulties or have a pronounced social orientation. The fact is that when they get married, both men and women learn to accept each other's point of view. Problems on this basis are caused by infringement of one’s own needs, the need to change, adapt to the needs of a partner.

Mutual grievances

Any claims that arise between spouses for one reason or another deprive them of moral strength and contribute to the formation of irritation. Mutual grievances are one of the most common causes of family problems.. These problems are usually caused by the difference in the characters of both spouses. The manifestation of the husband's individual traits is not always adequately perceived by the wife and vice versa. Over time, claims accumulate and cross a certain line of patience. As a result, trust is lost and problems are never resolved.

Constant difficulties

The modern family has to overcome significant problems related with the distribution of the budget, solving the housing problem. All these problems can undermine internal strength and develop self-doubt. Many couples note that as soon as they manage to solve one problem, another immediately appears. Difficulties often lead to social and individual instability of a person. Problems in the family must be resolved in a timely manner. Whatever the reasons for problems in the family, they should not undermine faith in a loved one or spoil relationships.

Social problems of the family

Social problems of the family are difficulties associated with income, housing conditions, and the lack of a suitable comfortable environment for work. Social problems are strongly related to the situation in the country and the economic situation.

Budget

Many social problems in the family could be avoided if the spouses always remained confident in their future. Social payments Sometimes they are so small that they do not allow you to improve your financial situation. Most problems in the family are caused by the need to constantly find additional funds for raising and educating children. The crisis and bankrupt enterprises also do not add optimism. The problem of an insufficient budget provokes the formation of conflicts, misunderstandings, and mutual reproaches. In such a situation, all family members want to feel some security from any social problems.

Availability of housing

The housing problem is perhaps the most painful among other social problems. Not every couple has the opportunity to live separately from their parents, and not everyone can afford to rent a house. If young people do not own an apartment, they have a very hard time. Some are forced to fall into mortgage bondage for many years, others work seven days a week just to pay for at least a dorm room. Such social problems lead to open conflicts. At some point, patience disappears, and complaints burst out.

Thus, problems in the family have their causes and consequences. It is important to try to resolve them in a timely manner so as not to aggravate the situation.

This chapter does not cover general issues constructive solutions to the problems discussed in previous chapters, but solutions to individual specific problems that we most often encounter in conflicting married couples. These problems may be due to the personal qualities of the spouses, the characteristics of their marriage, the dynamics of development marital relations, as well as a number of internal and external factors affecting marriage.

PERSONAL QUALITIES OF SPOUSES

The source of difficulties in family life may lie primarily in the personality characteristics of one or both spouses. We may be talking about traits that initially corresponded to the norm, but were not quite adequate to the partner’s personal qualities, or the partner does not find the right approach to them, unable to cope with certain features of their psyche. In addition, we can talk about pathological personality traits, which in themselves pose a problem in interpersonal relationships, and even more so in marital relationships.

Normal personality traits

When studying the personality of spouses, special attention should be paid to properties determined by temperament, such polar traits as extroversion - introversion,

rationalism - romanticism, dominance - subordination, hostility - friendliness, rigidity - flexibility, hot temper - calm, stability - lability, optimism - pessimism, activity - passivity, carelessness - responsibility, as well as the ability for social adaptation, mental balance and self-control.

Currently existing psychological methods with psychometric testing, unfortunately, do not give a clear answer to the question of the influence of similarity (homogeny) or opposition and complementarity (complementarity) of certain temperamental characteristics on the harmony and success of a marriage. One can reasonably assume.

Psychological factors of marital disharmony that in some cases of polarity homogeny has a positive influence (for example, in the case of extroversion - introversion), in others - complementarity (dominance - subordination), and in some cases only one of the polar properties (carelessness) is more beneficial for both partners - responsibility, pedantry). Recommendations regarding compatibility are usually very popular personal qualities, although they rely more on clinical experience than on compelling scientific evidence.

The character traits of the spouses are evidenced by their attitude towards work, people around them, property, themselves and relatives. Basic moral principles, interests, outlook, lifestyle, psychosocial maturity and value scale are also important. Certain habits can also create problems, such as smoking by one of the partners.

In marital therapy, the classic CONCEPTS OF HIPPOCRATIC TYPOLOGY can also be used.

Choleric is characterized by increased excitability. He can be active, self-confident, domineering, strives to dictate, impose his opinion; he protects his rights, seeks justice and truth in everything. He gets irritated easily, raises his voice, and loses his temper. Such a person radiates energy, has strength and determination. He is a man of action, although his actions are largely reckless. To express himself, he needs society, an environment. Often he assesses the situation uncritically and insists too stubbornly on his own. Hot temper and power, a tendency to suppress easily lead to disputes and conflicts. He is recognized, BUT we are not loved.

It is necessary to explain to the partner that it is inappropriate to contradict a choleric person when he is excited. Objections will only increase his agitation and increase his immunity to reasonable arguments. At such moments, it is better not to challenge his opinion, but to wait until his excitement subsides and he calms down.

A phlegmatic person reacts to everything slowly, not immediately. He is calm, less active, and difficult to agitate. Such a person does not get irritated by failures or defeats, does not do anything unnecessary, and does everything leisurely. He does not experience “great passions” and does not have great aspirations; he is a sober realist, somewhat lazy, he is little attracted to high ideals and is quite satisfied with mediocrity. He rarely takes initiative and works slowly; It takes a lot of time to get him going, but he does his job persistently, thoroughly and well. He's not interested social activities, but, on the other hand, maintains smooth, non-conflict relationships with most people.

The phlegmatic person brings stability and peace to marital relationships. Having a phlegmatic spouse is, in principle, not bad. Although his slowness sometimes irritates his more temperamental partner, the latter gradually gets used to it. After all, if you want to find something, you have to be patient. The phlegmatic person must be given time so that he can assimilate and digest everything.

A melancholic person is serious, even sad. This is an indecisive, hesitant person, he lacks courage and impulse to action. He is often overcome by doubts, he is easily vulnerable, fussy, restless, easily suggestible, unsure of himself, and often experiences a feeling of inferiority; sometimes he is complex, it is difficult to understand him, he is withdrawn, rarely takes initiative in society and feels insecure. The outside world often hurts a poorly protected melancholic person, so he develops a tendency toward pessimism. However, a melancholic person can have a rich inner world and is capable of deep, lasting feelings. In marriage, he often gets the role of the enslaved and deceived; he endures considerable suffering from aggressive behavior your partner.

Living with a melancholic person places serious demands on your partner. He is required to have self-control and delicacy, especially careful and tactful behavior. A melancholic person must be thoroughly stirred up before he talks about his feelings; it is necessary to try to enter into his position, help him overcome his pessimism and maintain faith in his own strength.

A sanguine person is a lively, active and cheerful person who is dominated by good mood, optimism and cheerfulness. Often he is not inclined to take his surroundings too seriously. His irritation does not last long; in life, he rather notices its bright sides, conflicts and grievances are resolved very quickly. Frivolous, doing too many things at once instead of doing at least some of them thoroughly. He loves company and entertainment, gets to know people easily and is a pleasant companion. He knows how to organize various entertainments well, and people enjoy being in his company. He is prone to inconstancy and superficial relationships, and is less caring and less responsible, which can irritate a more serious marriage partner.

It is easy to live with a sanguine person; no special behavioral tactics are required. However, given his carefree image I (NI), we must try to burden him with family worries, but do not forget to observe moderation. Otherwise, in unpleasant situations, he may try to slip away and will leave home to where he is more pleasant and calm.

Pathological personality traits

Some personality traits may be pathologically exaggerated primarily at the expense of other traits. Depending on their intensity, as well as the difficulties they cause in their bearer or his environment, we distinguish between accentuated, abnormal and psychopathic properties. A detailed description of individual psychopathic personality traits can be found in all psychiatry textbooks and special monographs. Pzak (1973, 1975) paid considerable attention to them when considering the problems of marital relations.

Will be presented here brief characteristics those pathological personality types that most often contribute to difficulties in marital relationships. At the same time, we will focus on the attitude of the marriage partner towards them, while we will use precise And detailed descriptions Plzak.

Asthenic and hypersensitive personality. Such a personality is characterized by some features of the normal mental-cholic type. One can speak of an asthenic personality in the case of the prevalence of general weakness, passivity, timidity and poor adaptation to life. We can speak of a hypersensitive personality when vulnerability, delicacy and increased comfort to external stimuli predominate. Even small loads cause neurotic reactions in such individuals; they cannot withstand the load well. It is useless to try to influence them by force. Most often, they respond to this by crying, making it clear that they are offended and deceived, showing how unhappy they are.

On your partner’s day, it is important to learn to recognize when it is necessary to be especially attentive and delicate, to console and support (i.e., take his worries and problems upon yourself), and when to be firm and unyielding, so that the asthenic does not begin to terrorize the family with his asthenia. You can try to involve an asthenic individual in group psychotherapy and teach him the skills of auto-training and self-hypnosis. A healthy partner needs to take a break from time to time from the demands that living together with an asthenic person places on him. The same can be said about a hypersensitive personality.

Explosive personality. Such a person represents a pronounced type of choleric person. Such persons experience outbursts of anger, accompanied by gross insults, and often physical violence. In a state of anger, they hit their partner. The reasons that can cause irritation in them are incommensurate with the intensity of the manifestations. Scandals arise, as a rule, for a completely trivial reason and not only at home, but also at work, with friends, in a store, in transport. An explosive personality is unable to control himself during an explosion of anger. After an outburst of anger, in some cases such a person regrets his behavior, makes excuses, and tries to make amends to his partner with various concessions and gifts. This anomaly is more common in men. Sometimes it is observed in the so-called epileptoid personality, which is characterized by the presence of organic symptoms.

Living together with a hot-tempered person puts the marriage partner in a situation of repeated short-term threat. A chronic conflict situation arises when a healthy partner does not see such outbreaks as manifestations of illness and reacts to them as ordinary attacks of anger that a person is able to cope with.

Reasoner. He is a frustrated, embittered, stubborn pessimist. Everything is wrong for him, he doesn’t like anything, he finds some kind of flaw in everything. Nothing brings him joy, and he easily spoils the good mood of those around him. The reasoner sees the world only in bleak tones; in his opinion, no one does good deeds, everyone around them only does stupid things. He scolds and criticizes others, is intolerant, and acts as if everyone around him is a scoundrel or fool.

A marriage with a reasoner can only be sustained by a partner who is capable, without paying attention to his presence, to realize himself in work, in caring for children, in contact with friends and acquaintances, and in an active passion for some interesting activity.

Pedant. This is a person distinguished by petty precision and excessive adherence to order. Problems in the family arise due to the fact that he demands the same qualities from others. A pedantic wife always thinks that the house is a mess, so she constantly cleans and washes something, fixes and checks. For a pedantic husband, all things must be in their place; he cannot stand any interference in his carefully thought-out system. A pedant can evoke trust and respect, a feeling of confidence, stability, but not admiration, joy or love. In his extreme manifestations, a psychopathic pedant terrorizes family members by forcing them to follow his rules. strict order and schedule. This causes resistance, protest, tension in relationships and a feeling of lack of freedom.

You can try to get your partner to appreciate the undoubted benefits of a person’s commitment to order and punctuality. We give the pedant a series of precisely formulated tasks that allow him to realize his excessive love of order himself, but not to extend his demands to others.

Schizoid personality. Such individuals have an insufficient ability to express their feelings, even to the point of extreme emotional poverty, as well as isolation, lack of adequate contact with others, which is often associated with timidity, fearfulness and slight vulnerability. A schizoid can cause surprise among others with his strange views, opinions, behavior, inability and even detachment from practical life, largely abstract or overcomplicated reasoning and unclear speech. The most active schizoid personalities are more likely to provoke others with their non-conformity, while more passive ones usually shun society and avoid people due to increased vulnerability.

Schizoids, as a rule, remain lonely for a long time (if not always). The success of a marriage mainly depends on the partner’s motivation and ability to adapt, on his ability to smooth out the manifestations of strangeness, impracticality, and gloominess of a schizoid personality.

Psychotherapeutic treatment in such situations can generally be regarded as a waste of time. Such persons must be isolated from society and family, since the severe damage they cause is often irreparable.

Hysterical personality. It is characterized by increased emotionality, a vivid imagination, an increased need for the attention of others, a desire for demonstration, dramatization, exaggeration, and self-centeredness. Hysterical people often experience discomfort associated with the existence of contradictions between their bright romantic ideas and dull, banal reality. They either go into the world of fantasy, or try to create some kind of excitement around them, to attract attention to themselves. They exaggerate, invent, play as if on a theater stage. Sometimes they lose the boundary between fantasy and reality. The “game” in some cases can take place on high level and arouse interest. It's hard to determine

whether the hysterical person uses the sthenic method, attracts attention at least with such dramatic manifestations of weakness and dependence, or exaggerates his difficulties. The feelings of a hysteric are very unstable; he often goes from one extreme to another. Hysterical people can be endlessly inspired and immediately afterwards “terribly unhappy.” Then they often talk about suicide or try to commit suicide. Such attempts are not serious and have the character of emotional “blackmail”.

It is often noted that hysterical psychopathy represents, as it were, an extreme expression or caricature of normal femininity. Moderate hysterical manifestations observed in women are treated rather mildly in our society. In the eyes of some men's lightweight even makes it hysterical beautiful women a certain attractiveness (though until they become their wives). The behavior of hysterical men shows traits that are uncharacteristic for men - flirtatiousness, some effeminacy. Sometimes, on the contrary, hysteria in men manifests itself by excessively emphasizing purely masculine traits: excessive exaggeration of one’s own strength, demonstration of heroic antics, or imagining oneself in the role of an irresistible seducer and sexual giant.

There are passive, asthenic forms of hysteria, in which such properties and manifestations as increased emotionality and flight into illness or heightened perception of injustice, thoughts of suicide prevail, as well as productive, sthenic, active forms, which are characterized by external, extroverted and aggressive manifestations.

In marriage, pronounced hysterical personalities, on the one hand, are “terribly dissatisfied” or “terribly unhappy”, on the other hand, they emotionally suppress and oppress their partner. A hysterical woman, some time after marriage, develops the feeling that she is no longer “loved enough,” and she constantly craves proof of love.

A productive hysterical psychopath repeats her speeches and scenes in the family, provokes violent quarrels, accompanied by sobs, with dramatic reconciliation. Her further “search for great love” takes place outside of her real marriage, which deceived her expectations. Often such a woman refuses to have sex with her husband, because she cannot give herself to a person for whom she no longer feels love. Strong emotional experiences in a new marriage sooner or later lose their severity (and the new partner is also happy to “slip away” from such a restless, threatening marriage); everything repeats itself, which makes such a woman an “eternal seeker of love.” Asthenic, passive types usually do not remarry, although they experience suffering in a real marriage and realize their romantic experiences in fantasies.

It is very difficult to bring a hysterical personality to an understanding and correct assessment of his own behavior. Communication with a doctor of the opposite sex during psychotherapeutic sessions can quickly evoke manifestations of admiration and love, various hints that with the doctor everything would be different than with an insensitive, boring and uninteresting spouse. If the doctor does not support such a game, then the patient considers herself offended in her best feelings and stops cooperating in sessions or proceeds to aggressive attacks against him. As a rule, competes with staff of the same sex. The greatest hope for success in correcting the behavior of such patients is provided by systematic group psychotherapy. Initially, the patient is simply included in a group where she can find some support, and then gradually receives from the group members their assessment and opinion regarding her hysterical behavior.

Working with the partner of such a hysterical person, who needs support in order to endure hysterical outpourings without losing his mental balance and health, can have a positive impact. He should be explained how he should behave in order to avoid family scenes. He must understand that a hysterical person simply requires attention, understanding and a certain assessment. If this requirement is implemented in an inadequate, dramatized, hysterical way, then such behavior should be ignored, because in otherwise his partner will encourage him. On the other hand, such a conversation allows you to calm your partner down somewhat, which will allow him to pay more attention to the hysterical person and understand her better, at least when her behavior is normal and quite adequate.

The following must be distinguished from manifestations of a hysterical personality (accented, abnormal or psychopathic):

a) a hysterical reaction, which is an emotional (or somatic) manifestation of an emotionally intense situation that has actually arisen;

b) hysterical neurosis, which represents a disease that has its beginning, development and completion. Hysterical neurosis is currently most often manifested by various somatic symptoms, which are clearly associated with psychotraumatic factors and conflict situations, and sometimes have the character of a purposeful avoidance of solving any life problems.

Jealous personality. A jealous person lives in fear that his partner is unfaithful to him or, in any case, may cheat on him. These thoughts completely take possession of him, and he constantly suspects his partner, watches him, and demands proof of fidelity. Evidence does not bring him peace of mind, since loyalty in principle is quite difficult to prove. Starting with provocative questions and conversations, the jealous person gradually moves on to detective actions.

Jealousy can influence the real situation to varying degrees; its manifestations have different intensity and character. It can be situationally determined, a characteristic personality trait, or one of the manifestations of psychosis.

Situationally conditioned jealousy is caused by the real danger of a partner’s betrayal, specific manifestations in his behavior that give rise to suspicion. The threatened individual seeks to take certain measures to eliminate this danger. Manifestations of jealousy in such cases disappear with the disappearance of the threatening situation.

When jealousy is a personality trait, the individual is characterized primarily by his readiness to express it. Jealousy is provoked by completely innocent reasons, is difficult to suppress and flares up again from time to time.

In some psychoses, especially paranoia, delusions of jealousy sometimes occur. These are obsessive ideas about the betrayal (or betrayals) of a partner that have no real basis and take on a completely absurd character (for example, that the partner behind the jealous person’s back is giving secret signs calling for a love relationship) or leading to bizarre actions (for example, the jealous person glues hair to bedroom doors or notes the position of a partner’s shoes to determine whether he was secretly going to his passions at night). Delusions of jealousy do not respond well to psychotherapy; additional treatment is required; it is rarely effective for paranoia.

In case of situational conditioned jealousy and in the case when jealousy is a specific personality trait (psychopathic state of jealousy), it is advisable to lead the jealous person to analyze his own jealousy and try to “train” him; The training is to get used to the state of uncertainty that exists in every marriage. Such “anti-jealous training” turns out to be most effective when carried out within the framework of group psychotherapy or group “courses for jealous people.” Plzak developed a methodology designed for 10 such sessions, and also compiled corresponding instructions for jealous Othello (1972). The partner should not react to the jealous person’s attempts to track down and control, he should not allow explanations and excuses. He must categorically suppress disputes about jealousy and conversations on topics related to it; he should move the conversation to another subject or simply leave. If a psychopathic jealous person is incorrigible and tyrannizes his partner, then there is only one way out - a timely divorce.

Alcohol addiction. We are talking about people whose dependence on alcohol has reached a level at which it already poses a serious problem in terms of social relations and weakening of mental and physical health. The problem is aggravated by the fact that the alcoholic himself cannot stop drinking or at least reasonably limit his alcohol consumption. He justifies his addiction to alcohol by the most for various reasons.

The development of alcohol dependence has 4 phases: initial, warning, decisive and final.

1. Initial phase. A person discovers that alcohol improves his mood, helps him get rid of fears and strengthens his confidence in his own strength. At first, he resorts to alcohol precisely for this purpose, but gradually gets used to it, and the intervals between drinking alcohol become shorter. He drinks quickly, especially when he starts, in order to quickly reach a certain level of intoxication; does not overdrink, drinks as much as he needs.

2. Warning phase. The drinker tends to constantly increase the dose and requires increasingly larger doses to achieve the desired mood. Drinking alcohol is becoming more frequent, and the reasons for it are of less and less importance. Increasingly, a state of overdrinking occurs.

3. Decisive phase. Alcohol dependence appears. The drinker is no longer able to control himself and cannot stop. Sometimes he drinks for several days in a row, often overdrinking. He announces to himself “windows” of sober days, which he manages to spend against the backdrop of weekly binges. Problems arise with others. People condemn him, but he perceives this as injustice and an additional reason to drink. Often decides or promises that he will stop drinking or drink less, but he fails to do this.

4. Final phase. With alcohol dependence, an individual can no longer live without alcohol. Already in the morning he is forced to “have a glass” in order to get himself into working condition. Without alcohol, he feels bad, irritated, unable to concentrate, his hands shake, and his head hurts. A small dose of alcohol corrects the condition. His tolerance for alcohol decreases, he gets drunk much faster than before, nothing stops him. All this leads to the disintegration of personality, complete loss of ability to work, and a breakdown in relationships in society and in the family.

A person dependent on alcohol is considered an individual who is in the 3rd or 4th phase of the development of alcohol dependence and is no longer able to independently cope with this addiction and the problems that it causes.

The term “drunkard” refers to individuals who are in phase 1 or 2, drinking alcohol to achieve a desired level of mood and still able to control themselves. “Alcohol drinker” (“consumer”) is a person who drinks from time to time, on the occasion of holidays or family celebrations; he never gets drunk and can do without alcohol. “Abstinent”, for reasons of principle, completely refuses to drink alcoholic beverages.

An individual dependent on alcohol can no longer become a “drunkard” or a “consumer.” He is no longer able to drink in moderation and control his condition. This problem can only be solved by constant abstinence, which requires high-quality anti-alcohol treatment. After treatment, such a person, unlike “healthy” people, should never drink a drop of alcohol.

Unlike a husband addicted to alcohol, who prefers to drink socially (visiting friends who have the same intentions, going to a pub or organizing drinks at home or at work), a drinking wife most often drinks at home alone, carefully hiding it. She is ashamed of her addiction and hides bottles of alcohol in various hiding places. In a sober state, she blames herself, cries, and promises to improve.

Persons with alcohol addiction (both husbands and wives) often explain their addiction to alcohol by conflicts in the family. In reality, the reason turns out to be, as a rule, different; Conflicts contribute to the strengthening of dependence and often arise from it. But whatever the reason, before starting a course of marital therapy, it is necessary to conduct anti-alcohol treatment. It is useless to try to achieve balance in the relationship between spouses until abstinence has been achieved. If an alcoholic does not want to be treated, the partner must present him with an ultimatum that excludes compromises: “If you do not go to treatment, I will be forced to divorce.”

It is necessary to distinguish between problems truly associated with alcohol dependence and marital conflicts caused by the increased reactivity of some wives who are “allergic” to their husband’s drunken behavior or the smell of alcohol. The doctor should talk to both partners, trying to obtain objective information. And if we are talking about alcoholism, then you should not demand complete abstinence from your husband.

At the end of the section devoted to the personal properties of spouses, we will consider the main issues in the framework of working with a married couple. Spouses answer two main groups of questions.

1. What qualities of my personality contribute to marital disharmony? What is my participation in

family conflicts? What can I do about it? What can I change about myself?

2. How can I best unite with my partner as he is? How to treat a partner who has these personality traits?

We are talking about principles that can be used when working with one of the partners. Contrary to the patient's expectations, the analysis of his personal characteristics and those of his partner is aimed mainly at achieving an understanding of what he should change in himself (and never in his partner) and how he should adapt his behavior to the behavior of his partner (and not vice versa). The doctor must convince the patient that these changes are within his control and must be made if he wishes to achieve marital harmony.

Let us illustrate this principle with specific examples. A wife who complains about a jealous husband needs to be led to analyze her own behavior - is she not provoking his jealousy with some of her actions? If jealousy is a character trait, the wife should be led to the conclusion that it is impossible to change this character trait. Need to teach her correct behavior with her husband, so that his pathological behavioral traits bring her less suffering; for example, immediately stop tracking and interrogating your husband and not enter into arguments with him on topics related to jealousy.

With a husband who complains about his wife’s hysterical behavior, it is necessary to discuss the characteristic signs of hysteria, such as the need for increased attention, a tendency to dramatize, decreased control over emotional manifestations, etc. He must come to the conclusion that it is impossible to demand from his wife that she was different, it is impossible to remake her. He himself can think about what he should do while living with such

a woman, for example, not to allow himself to be drawn into dramatic scenes that his wife arranges, to try to convince her or give in to her demands if she really does not have enough of his attention. You can advise the husband to show enough attention and even admiration to his wife if her behavior deserves it, and to ignore her actions and claims when she exaggerates and clearly “overacts.”

This reorientation of the patient's behavior is often a difficult and gradual process. You cannot immediately begin active work with such a patient so that he does not get the impression that the doctor does not understand him. Otherwise, he may stop cooperating. First of all, you need to give him the opportunity to speak out and show understanding of his problems. This is the only way to bring the patient to an awareness of his own participation in the creation of a problematic or conflict situation and the need to change his behavior as the only (in most cases) solution that allows him to count on success.

The exception is cases of alcohol addiction, acute psychosis or criminal behavior of a partner, when our assistance to the client can be expressed, for example, in sending the partner for compulsory treatment or in facilitating his administrative prosecution and criminal punishment. You cannot constantly adapt to the behavior of some severe psychopaths; in such cases, we assist the client in obtaining a divorce. However, one cannot take the client’s statements and versions on faith - it is necessary to examine his partner and obtain objective data about him.

MARITAL UNION

When exploring within the framework of marital therapy the marital union as the source of problems for a particular couple, it is necessary first of all to think about what brought the spouses together and has maintained their marriage to this day. We will explore how initial expectations are realized, what factors determine them, and on what principles marital relationships are currently built.

Choosing a partner

Interpersonal attractiveness is supported by factors that are of particular value to a particular individual or that give rise to certain hopes that social contact with a given partner will be favorable.

A number of theories that explain the principles of mate choice, which include, for example, Winchov's complementarity theory, Coombs' monogamy value theory, and Kerckhoff-Davies filter theory, are to some extent reflected in the complex theory of Mursteina (1976). According to this theory, when choosing, there are three factors, three forces of attraction; motivation, virtues and role. These forces act sequentially in three phases, their value changes in each phase. What passes through the first filter passes into the next phase.

In the first phase (motivation), factors such as external attractiveness and demeanor play a significant role. Important also depends on how these characteristics are assessed by others. The meaning of a drive is thus relative within a particular situation.

In the second phase (dignity), the center of gravity shifts like a beer into the area of ​​similarity of interests, points of view, and scale of values. When partners meet, they get to know each other, receive information about the interests and value scale of each of them. If significant discrepancies are revealed here and the discovered shortcomings are not compensated by any advantages, the partners separate, believing that they are not suitable for each other.

In the third phase, role compatibility is first assessed. Partners determine whether they can take complementary roles in the marital union, which will allow them to satisfy their needs. At the same time, both the similarity of characters and inclinations (for example, extroversion or introversion, the same need for sexual contacts, etc.) and the opposition of complementary traits (for example, the need for dominance and subordination, the desire of one to take care of the other, etc.) are assessed.

The principle of “commensurability of exchange” operates in all phases. Equilibrium is achieved only when the exchange is equal from the point of view of the partners. For example, a man who is not very attractive in appearance can propose to a more attractive girl, giving her a stable financial position in return. Ugly girl may attract handsome man his caring, sexual sophistication, ability to admire him or be obedient.

Expectations and marital agreement

The source of problems is often unfulfilled expectations, which can be partly conscious and formulated, partly conscious but not discussed with the partner, and partly unconscious. In this direction, one can use the concept of Sager) and Martin, according to which the essence of marital therapy lies in the study of the marital agreement (contract). Spouses must understand, formulate and write what they expect from each other in marriage. Under the supervision of a physician, unclear and mutually exclusive elements in individual draft agreements are identified, and attempts are made to develop a joint agreement acceptable to both partners, in which the rights and responsibilities of each will be clearly stated.

Determinants of marriage taken from the family of origin

In order to help spouses who are having problems in their marriage, it is necessary to find out what some of their expectations are based on. For this purpose, the marriage of their parents, brothers or sisters is considered with them.

Based on a concept that might be called the concept of parental duplication, the individual learns the male or female role to a large extent from his parents and tends to unconsciously use his parents' pattern of relationships in his family, whether he likes them or not. An important point is dominance in the family (which of the parents “commanded” and which obeyed). For a more accurate assessment, it is advisable to use the Leary interpersonal test. When testing, you should evaluate yourself, your parents, your partner, set out your requirements and describe your ideal partner, calculate integral scores and present the results in graphical form, as recommended by Mellan.

Sipova, having conducted testing (Leary test) of 239 prosperous married couples, discovered the presence of similar characterological models in both spouses - a dominant, authoritarian, self-confident, but at the same time courteous father and an affectionate mother, who enjoys trust and respect in the family. The husband identifies himself with his father, the wife with her mother (Fig. 2). Wives evaluate their husbands on the axes of dominance and agreeableness (the same as their fathers), husbands evaluate their wives in the same way as mothers. Husbands evaluate themselves generally correctly; There are minor differences between self-assessment and partner assessment. Among those 650 married couples who attended counseling, the indicators are different: significant differences are noted between self-esteem and the assessment of the partner (as a rule, the partner considers the other to be more hostile and dominant than the partner assesses himself). In addition, partners are markedly different from their parents (not only from the opposite-sex parent, but also from the same-sex parent).

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Rice. 2. Self-esteem and assessment of your parents using the Leary test.

The continuous line ends at the father's GPA, the broken line ends at the mother's. Dark triangles - husbands from quiet families (n=239); dark circles - wives from quiet families (n=239); light triangles - husbands from conflict families (n=650); light circles are wives from conflict families (n=650).

According to Sipova, the doctor should lead the patient to accept the role intended for him by the parent of the same sex, of course, taking into account the desires of the partners and the nature (style) of their relationship. However, it is advisable to lead a married couple to a compromise model of living together, which optimally approaches the model of the relationship of their parents.

Terman's comparative studies of relationships in prosperous and conflicting married couples confirmed that the balance of ties is significantly influenced by a favorable marriage model of parents, good relations between father and mother, and a happy childhood. Balanced spouses were calm in childhood, they were rarely punished, they were caressed more often, and they talked more openly about sex issues.

Toman's (1976) concept of duplication of sibling properties, according to which the individual strives to realize his relationship with his brothers and sisters in new social connections. More stable and successful marriages are observed in cases where relationships between partners are built precisely on this principle, naturally, taking into account gender. In this sense, marital relations can be completely complementary (the husband had a younger sister, and the wife had an older brother) or partially complementary (both had older brothers or sisters, at least one of whom is identical to one of the spouses). In non-complementary marriages, there is a connection with the order of the child in the parental family (for example, both partners were the oldest among the children) or with gender (one partner or both had only brothers or only sisters, in addition to brothers or sisters of the same sex). A special place is occupied by children who had neither a brother nor a sister; they had only one model in their family - parental marriage.

Based on this type of data, it is possible to graphically present the factors influencing marriage in the form of a family map (Fig. 3).

In the middle part of the picture, the husband is indicated by a triangle, the wife is indicated by a circle to the right of him, and the numbers inside are their ages. The connecting line between them shows the nature of the marital relationship at present. Below, their children are depicted using similar geometric symbols, and the connecting lines characterize the type of connections. At the top of the picture, above each spouse, their parents and the nature of the relationship between them are indicated, with an arrow pointing up corresponding to dominance, and an arrow pointing down to subordination. Below the symbols representing the parents are their children, with the position of each spouse between them indicated by a dark triangle or circle. Above the symbols of the spouses is the serial number of the marriage of each of them, and the numbers next to them indicate the degree of emotional dependence on the partner (in accordance with the Plzak scale, which will be discussed below).

In Fig. Figure 3 shows an example of a family chart: a 29-year-old husband and a 25-year-old wife, both in their first marriage. The couple have 2 children, whom they treat generally positively, although the husband is colder towards the girl. However, their marriage is conflict-ridden. In the family of the husband's parents, the mother occupied a dominant position; The mother did not get along with his father, her first husband, and had conflicts based on leadership in the family. Her second husband is submissive by nature.

My husband has sisters (older and younger). In the wife's family, the dominant position was occupied by the mother, and she herself was the eldest among the children.

The diagram provides some information about the possibility of problems arising in the family; it can be guided when choosing the direction of therapeutic interventions. The role of the husband was not sufficiently defined in childhood. It is assumed that he sympathized with his father, who challenged his mother for the dominant position in the family. However, the father lost in this struggle and was forced to separate from his mother. Perhaps the patient did not like the weak character of his stepfather, who obeyed his mother. He always perceived his mother as a decisive woman who occupied a dominant position in the family. In a related constellation he had older sister, which corresponds to the same “program”, but he also had younger sister, over which he could “take over”.

The role of the wife who comes from matriarchal family, where, moreover, she was the eldest child, she was quite well defined in childhood, and it is difficult to change her. Therefore, agreement between spouses can be achieved if the husband takes a subordinate position in relation to his wife (i.e., what he saw in his mother’s family) and accepts the orders of his power-hungry wife without protest. If he tries to lead and command, conflicts will inevitably arise in the family.

The above reasoning may create the impression that a marriage is conflictual (from the point of view of dominance) only when both spouses claim a leading role in the family, or calm, gracious, cooperative-asymmetrical (patriarchal or matriarchal type) only if one of the spouses willingly takes leadership, and the other just as willingly obeys. However, this is not quite true. Currently, the predominant model is cooperative-symmetrical marriage. In such a marriage, spouses interact on the basis of equality, disagreements and problems that arise are resolved at the level mutual agreements, through compromises. Balance can also be achieved through a clear division of spheres of influence. Children coming from such families may tend to adopt a similar pattern of relationships in their marriage. Apparently, the formation of this model is influenced not only by examples of parental relationships, but also by the prevailing social position of the spouses.

Marriage Profiles

When describing the theory of dynamic marital therapy, seven profiles of behavior in marriage were already mentioned. Combinations that may cause problems in married life, include the following: when both partners belong to the “parent” or “child” type; one partner is of the “parental” or “child” type, the other is of the independent type; one partner is a romantic type, the other is an equal, rational, independent or “childish” type. The marriage of romantic partners is a tense and insufficiently stable union, because romantic relationship Over time, they gradually fade and both partners may begin to look for them in other relationships outside of marriage.

Martin, Berman, Lief draw attention to the presence of pathological elements in the following combinations: a) the wife belongs to the romantic-hysterical type and suffers from a lack of attention and affection, and the husband is cold and has a psychasthenic character; b) the husband is looking for a mother in his wife who would constantly take care of him; c) both partners are dependent types; d) both partners (or one of them) with a paranoid psyche.

Marriages in which one of the partners (most often the wife) exhibits pronounced hysterical behavior are designated by some authors as hysterical marriages. Partners of hysterical women can, according to Planava, be divided into hysteriphilic and hysteriform.

A hysterical husband is the type of partner who attracts hysterical women; in the future, he himself chooses one of them. He is usually a calm, adaptable, silent and not overly emotional person. Plzak designates this type as SPV - weak, decent and loyal. A hysterical woman, as a rule, having already experienced a fleeting dramatic love with an attractive and dynamic man, is looking for a balanced and reliable person. He is attracted to her by her liveliness, emotionality, and the opportunity to enrich and brighten his dull life. After the partner’s idealization disappears, deep mutual disappointment naturally sets in. The husband ceases to impress his wife, she feels misunderstood and emotionally unsatisfied, as a result of which she tries to provoke a scandal or attacks. The wife's increased emotionality, dramatization, and such inconsiderate behavior tire her husband.

A hysteriform husband behaves in a way that causes and maintains hysteria in his wife, who initially might not have expressed hysterical traits. The husband has a tendency to philosophize in situations that require decisive action; he usually remains indifferent to his wife’s attempts to involve him in joint activities, and is ironic or hostile until his wife’s aggressive or hysterical behavior forces him to cooperate.. Such a husband may also have features of a pedant and schizoid layers with pronounced sensual coldness. In some situations he resembles a hysterical husband. However, the important thing is that the wife can count on the fulfillment of her desires or demands and obtain cooperation from her husband only if she throws him a tantrum. Thus, such behavior is reinforced and fixed.

The classification of marriage into symmetrical, complementary and meta-complementary, proposed by Haley, is well known. In a symmetrical marriage, both spouses have equal rights, none of them is subordinate to the other. Problems are solved through agreement, exchange (this and that), or through compromise. In a complementary marriage, one gives orders, gives orders, the other obeys, awaits advice or instructions. In a meta-complementary marriage, the leading position is achieved by a partner who realizes his own goals by emphasizing his weakness, inexperience, ineptitude and powerlessness, thus manipulating his partner.

The classification proposed by Satir includes typical models of communicative attitudes towards violation of fidelity. Their typical representatives include the following: a) the accuser, who in the author’s symbolism can be represented as a “statue with a pointing finger”; b) reconciler (“statue of a sinner with his head bowed”); c) a cold rationalist or a hot “arithmometer” (“straightened figure with his head raised”); d) a disruptor and “distractor” who ignores eternal topics and problems and always starts an empty conversation only about current events, about the momentary, often in an amusing or even funny, clown form.

Wile cites 3 types of partnerships, which he clearly identifies using criteria for assessing responses to conflicts.

1. Mutual avoidance. Both partners avoid active discussion, remain silent, turn away, feel injustice, but do not express their concern and resentment to each other.

2. Mutual accusations. Partners openly show their irritation, anxiety, and dissatisfaction, emphasizing their demands, which often leads to destructive quarrels.

3. Demand and evasion. One of the partners actively reacts to circumstances and strives to get closer to the other, puts forward demands, arguing them, or makes complaints, the other one withdraws, remains silent, and avoids getting closer. Pursuit, attack and evasion are mutually potentiated: the more one evades, the more the other strives to approach him and vice versa.

T. M. Mishina also identifies 3 types of violations of marital relations, of which the first two are almost identical to those proposed by Wile:

1) isolation - partners experience emotional alienation;

2) rivalry - reaches the point of open bickering and disputes;

3) pseudo-cooperation - one of the partners, for example, agrees with something, although he internally disagrees (this looks like cooperation and agreement).

Pizak introduced into practice the concept of “emotional dependence of partners on marriage.” For each partner it is assessed on a five-point scale. Depending on the magnitude of the differences between partners, a marriage can be assessed as asymmetrical or symmetrical, and when taking into account the degree of dependence - as favorable, doomed to failure or disastrous. Dependence for each partner is determined by the consequences that a divorce will entail; not only the sexual and economic aspects are taken into account, but also the possibility of finding another, more suitable partner. One of the essential elements in the formation of such dependence, in accordance with the author’s concept, is the attractiveness of the partner. For a woman it is beauty, charm, typically feminine behavior, languor, tenderness; for a man it is intelligence, charm, wit, sociability, masculinity, social recognition and only partly beauty. With a score of 3, the dependence is considered significant. Problems arise if one or both partners have an excessively high level of dependence - 4 or 5 points. If excessive dependence is observed in only one partner, then, in accordance with the proposed classification, the marriage is classified as “doomed to failure,” and in the case of bilateral dependence, it is classified as “disastrous.”

An overly dependent partner, as a rule, seeks to receive proof of love from the other, arouse jealousy, provokes disputes and quarrels, and drags children into conflict. He often suffers from neurotic disorders, seizures, often cries, threatens suicide and becomes more and more repulsive to his less dependent partner, finally making him want to leave the family. An overly dependent partner should be isolated from the family for some time and treated separately. He is prohibited from talking about family and any actions that reveal his high dependence on marriage. According to Plzak, high emotional dependence can disappear over time, for example, if emotional resources are completely exhausted, or if his partner loses his value for him, some part of his merits. However, an asymmetrical marriage doomed to failure can be turned into a symmetrical one through correct and timely correction. It is useful for the dependent partner to learn the benefits of being independent and to do everything in his power to prevent the independent partner from leaving the family. We would formulate this tactic as follows: an overly dependent partner must actually recognize his dependence and act in accordance with this. He must make it desirable for his independent partner to continue the marriage through various positive reinforcements. Our experience shows that systematic group psychotherapy can in most cases reduce such dependence, mainly by maintaining the patient's sense of self-worth and reinforcing his worth in life. various fields activities outside the family.

Emotional independence and dependence on marriage in the sense that Plzak gives them should be distinguished from dominance and submission or independence and dependence as personality traits that are identified using the Leary test. The concepts are similar, but their essence is completely different. A dominant, authoritarian, and generally independent personality can live equally well in a state of complete independence and be deeply dependent on a particular emotional connection. In a marriage that preserves his emotional independence, such an individual will intelligently guide his partner, care for him, or vigorously refuse what is unacceptable. In a marriage on which he is dependent, he will use force to force his partner to show the dependence and fidelity he desires. Likewise, a submissive, influenced, and typically dependent person in a marriage from which she is emotionally independent may willingly submit, comply with demands, and refuse any direction, but in a marriage from which she is dependent, the picture will be completely different. - requests, tears, demands or threats of suicide in order to keep a partner.

The above provided useful information about the determinants and types of marital relationships, allowing us to better understand the essence of marriage and see it from different sides. Based on the analysis of relationships within the framework of marital therapy, we lead spouses to answer the following questions.

1. What is the basis of their marriage? What are their mutual expectations, patterns and stereotypes drawn from past experiences, and what is the current profile of their marriage?

2. What and how can be changed in their marriage, expectations, requirements, agreement? What and how do you need to adapt?

2.5. Love

IN contemporary works When discussing the problems of marital relationships and marital therapy, we almost never encounter the concept of “love.” What it means in fiction (Tables 1, 2 and 3) sometimes appears under other names.

Table 1. Love in world poetry

Love for you is yourself,

And heaven and hell, and day and night,

Fire and ashes light smoke,

It will fade away and be carried away.

Love for you is like a deer running,

Water flowing from fingers

You are a lake, but my thirst cannot be quenched,

I will die of thirst by the water, by a lake without shores.

My love for you is a spring,

A stream boiling from the bottom

Like a squirrel that plays in the forest,

The deadly jump is woven into it.

Burn and be saved again,

Losing you as soon as I find you

Afraid to fall asleep, so that in a dream

Not to be a moment without you.

To be struck down by just one word,

Accidentally said by you,

To experience doubts a hundred times

What does your involuntary gesture mean?

My suffering is constant

I want to love you so much

My heart can't calm down

Trembling again, I won’t forget.

Love is a universe without end,

Nothing can cover her,

Where can I get the measure to measure it?

To measure means not to love.

No, I have no right to separation,

To make the separation worse,

After all, I am your throne, I am the rod in your hand,

My love for you will always live with me.

(Louis Aragon)

Table 2. Love in modern Czech poetry

What is love to you?

Evening fireworks and celebration,

The noisy carousel runs,

Flight and heads spinning?

Then love, like a scorched phoenix,

Will fall upon the darkened world,

Your world, which is so close to you.

And for me love is a refuge from storms,

Raincoat from rain and bad weather,

Keeper of the mysteries of nature.

And for me love is like bread and salt,

A glass of spring water,

into which you threw with a generous hand

Crystal of desire,

Drink that makes me wonderful

Preserves before everyday life.

(Yarmila Urbanova, “Love in 10 years”)

Table 3. Love in prose works

I watched her in the store. She stood in front of the mirror, small, strong, ugly. The new coat came down to her ankles, with only her fingertips poking out from the sleeves. She looked uncertain and very vulnerable.

“It suits you,” the old man repeated several times, walking around her. He carefully straightened the fold and removed the invisible fluff from his shoulder. “Hem it a little,” he advised, “and it will be very good...”

The mirror attracted a tall, interesting blonde. She tried on costumes of various colors, twirled and bent over different sides from behind the backs of those two.

“Oh,” the saleswoman hissed through her teeth, impatiently raising her eyes to the ceiling while the two were still standing at the mirror.

“I can’t do this, I’m so small,” the old woman said guiltily and turned her flushed face to the saleswoman, then looked at her husband. She wanted to be a little better in his eyes. The old man gave me an old coat to wrap. “It’s cold,” he remarked as he paid.

I completely forgot why I came to the store. He followed them, drawn by some unknown force. The old man, holding his wife by the fingertips protruding from long sleeve, led her down the street. I followed them for quite a long time, unnoticed, but stubbornly, without saying a word.

(Jezef Zelenka, “Love”)

The Fanta study showed that the most common factor among family counseling patients was family troubles is the “sensual discord of the spouses,” later formulated as “sensual alienation,” which to some extent corresponds to the loss of mutual love. Prokopec, Dytrych, Schuller recommend distinguishing among the factors contributing to divorce, such as “disruption of connections in the emotional sphere” and “differences in mutual relationships.”

phenomena of tenderness and feelings”, which were observed in a sample of 1000 divorcing couples in 1977-1978. 46% of husbands and 56% of wives.

The need for constant proof of love persists among wives almost throughout their entire family life. The wife craves expressions of feelings and tenderness, needs constant attention and interest in her, which can be perceived by the husband as mere trifles (flowers, an invitation to the theater, help around the house, taking care of the children). Men should be aware of this, since they are often limited to purely material concerns, forgetting about spiritual values, which makes their wives not entirely happy.

Meanwhile, J. Prokopets et al. recommend that husbands, as can be seen from the above passage, fulfill the wishes of their wives. Other authors consider such spiritual requests in a long-term marriage to be “non-adaptive demands”, rudiments of the romantic phase of marriage and recommend getting rid of them as manifestations of the initial phase of a breakup and emotional enslavement of a partner. Plzak warns that couples therapy should aim to improve emotional connections partners. Apparently this is hardly possible. The actual purpose of help may be to convince the partner that the level and intensity of emotional distress are not factors influencing divorce. Requiring expressions of feelings that are spontaneous in nature carry a certain risk of disgust.

PaVek speaks of “depth of sensual connection” as one of the pillars of marriage, but currently this concept requires further discussion and clarification.

Some psychologists have tried to more accurately formulate the concept of “love”, develop a classification and a scientific approach to the study of this phenomenon.

Love is truly an extremely important positive feeling. Rubin speaks of love as “a certain relation of one individual to another, which includes both thoughts and actions.” The characteristics of this relationship are included in the test developed by the author; Each characteristic is rated on a nine-point scale. The test covers three main aspects of love: the need for acceptance of love and dependence; inclination to provide assistance, showing concern; focus on exclusivity and preoccupation with feeling.

The need for acceptance of love and dependence are illustrated, for example, by such statements from partners: “If I could never be with X again, I would feel terrible,” “It would be very difficult for me without Y.”

Desire to help: “If X were feeling bad, my first desire would be to help him get back into a good mood,” “I would do anything for Y.”

Exclusivity and absorption: “I treat X as if I were myself,” “I feel like I can trust Y with everything.”

Maslow distinguishes between love, which reflects an altruistic attitude towards a partner, consisting of selfless help to him, joy in his successes, and love, in which, first of all, it is about satisfying one’s own needs.

Fromm considers love as a skill, a feeling and an act of will: “you need to learn love, gradually master its theory and practice.” Mature love is one of the most important human emotions, meaning unity in individual actions. Love is an active force characterized by caring for another person, openness, respect and understanding of the loved one. “Erotic love, in order to be truly love, must be based on the following premise: one must love based on one’s own essence and experience based on the essence of another.” Love must first of all be an act of will. Love is not only a feeling, it is also a decision, a judgment, and a vow.

As noted in various studies mentioned by Shope, signs of love are admiration for the merits of a partner and neglect of his mistakes and shortcomings, natural unity in giving and giving, the desire to give a loved one more than others, mutual emotional dependence, the desire for spiritual and physical intimacy, openness , desire to merge with your beloved being into a single whole, tolerance towards each other, tenderness, patience, affection and forgiveness.

According to Liberman et al., who looked at love from the point of view of a behavioral approach, love consists of the exchange of pleasant words and actions for a person, an exchange that lasts a fairly long period of time. A marriage can be successful if both partners make decisions that make each of them feel loved and appreciated.

What we find about love in the specialized literature on marital therapy cannot but be disturbing. Nevertheless, it is confirmed that spouses can rightfully ask about love and the question: “Do you love her?” or “Do you love him?” cannot be considered as a manifestation of the doctor’s naivety. The doctor, despite the fact that he works in the field of conflict and disruption of interaction and relationships between partners, should pay attention to the presence of love in his patients (is there a moment when love left the family, has it really left, is it hidden in the little things? Everyday life) and support it if it still exists, even if it is hidden. In order to avoid any misunderstandings here, it is necessary to distinguish the following.

1. Falling in love, which is experienced very intensely, but usually passes in the marriage phase. It is necessary to actively support it (as much as possible), although it will pass later, which is quite natural.

2. Love in a relatively long-term marriage that brings good to the other, gives joy associated with the well-being and success of the partner, and also ensures the satisfaction of one's own needs for understanding and security.

3. External manifestations of love - words, touches, affection, attention and other actions and deeds that are extremely desirable if one partner wants to bring joy to the other and strengthen his sense of satisfaction.

4. Forced manifestations of love are, in principle, of little use and represent “forced evidence of love,” manifestations of what should be spontaneous. This resembles a kind of double-bottom game (“I want you to tell me directly about love, but not because I want it, but because you want it”), which should be stopped.