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How to improve relationship with a girl? Three important points

How to improve relationship with a girl? Three important points

01.08.2019

soft toy in the form of a plaintive baby elephant or a hippopotamus. At the same time, do not forget to add that you are just as strong, but also just as defenseless in front of her. Perhaps you will also be pitied and subsequently forgiven.

Remember that your reasoning and arguments are logical, and women's are more emotional. Therefore, in a conversation with her, do not focus on logic, talk more about feelings, relationships, more often remember some pleasant moments that connect you.

Compliment her. As you know, a woman loves with her ears. Just do not overdo it, too complex epithets can be mistaken for a banal mockery, or she simply won’t believe you.

Give her flowers. With or without. A bouquet does not have to be expensive and chic, even the smallest, accompanied by a bouquet, can work a miracle. A bouquet that you have collected personally is perfect.

Fulfill any of her dreams or desires. Better if it was something she mentioned in passing. She will understand that you are listening to her, which means that she is really important to you. For example, she once mentioned that she would like just such a handbag, a book, a bracelet. So strain your memory and try to make her wish come true.

Discuss with her even the smallest moments concerning your relationship. Show interest, carry on conversations on any topic that somehow bothers her. Let's speak to her first, and then start talking yourself. If she asks for advice, let it be advice, not moralizing. If she wants to talk about something that does not suit her, listen carefully and try not to yawn, even if you are very tired.

Play with her hair and hug her as often as possible. Embracing her, press her to you as the most precious thing you have. More touching, stroking and kissing.

If you know that a girl appreciates her mother's opinion and you are on good terms with her, ask her to help you. Explain how important her daughter is to you. Try to get your mother on your side. And she, in turn, will already find Right words to explain to her daughter what it is good guy and how stupid it would be to lose him.

How to build a relationship with your husband - 5 easy steps

I present to you five simple steps leading to how to improve relations with her husband.

Step #1: Find out from yourself what exactly you don't like

Take a piece of paper and a pen. To begin with, you need to find out from yourself - what exactly does not suit you in your current relationship, and what needs to change, so that you say that now everything is as it should be. This will give you a clear understanding of how to build relationships. To do this, ask yourself two simple questions and answer them honestly:

Who am I in this relationship?
What role do I play in them?

These two questions will help you understand if you are in love or emotional dependence whether your relationship is healthy. If you hear an answer from yourself, such as: "victim" or "a woman who wants to be loved" - you are probably in a dependent relationship. How to get out of the role of a victim, you can read in this article.

There are many possible answers to these questions, so try to analyze them yourself. What are you doing that has shaped this role for you in a relationship? If you didn't like your answer, what do you think needs to be done to get out of this role now?

And now we will continue to find out what is your personal dissatisfaction in the relationship. Let's move on to questions about values. Ask yourself right now and write down the detailed answers:

Why do I need this relationship?
What do they give me?
What is so important for me I get in this relationship?
What values do I want to realize through a partner?
Am I able to realize these values?
Which of my values are not being implemented in the relationship right now?

Your values in a relationship can be, for example, to feel happy, to communicate on deep topics. Friendship, respect, understanding, care, money.

As a rule, people enter into relationships in order for someone to realize their values, to fill in the “voids”. If your partner is not able to implement them, then only dependent relationships await you. And if you have been in a relationship for a long time, then most likely the discord occurred because some of your values were realized before, but now for some reason they have stopped. In other words, you stopped getting from the relationship what you used to get. Write down which of your values have been embodied in the relationship in the past but are not embodied now.

This was the first step in which we found out what for you at a deep level caused discord in the relationship. Now let's move on to how the partner feels.

Step #2: How to find out what does not suit him

At the initial stage of a relationship, a person falls in love with you if you coincide with him in terms of values and are ready to satisfy most of them. For example, you both want to live in your own house, not an apartment. Both want to have two children, not eight. Both love dogs more than cats. Both want a long-term serious relationship, not a short sexual adventure. If your values do not match at least 60%, your relationship is unlikely to last long. But if you have been living together for more than three years, then you can overcome any discord.

So, how do you know what exactly at the level of values has ceased to satisfy your partner?

The first thing you need to do is mentally put yourself in his place. So you can understand what he expects from you. What exactly could be the solution to the problem for him.

It is impossible to mentally stand in his place if you have aggression against him. First you need to calm down. How to get rid of aggression, read in this article.

So, get into his position, into his position. And think with his thoughts: “What do I need her to do so that I want to change the situation for the better? What values of mine are not being realized in relationships? What am I missing? How can I be motivated to make myself crazily want to build a relationship?” Look at the situation through his eyes.

Motivation is of two types - “motivation from” and “motivation for”. For example, you can motivate a man to do something by threatening him with a lack of sex (motivation from) or vice versa, by doing something that he would be extremely happy about (motivation for). In a relationship with a man, try to always choose the second type of motivation. Each favorable outcome of such motivation will strengthen your union and bring you closer.

So, you took the place of your partner and understood what he needs. Which of his values are you realizing and which are not. And they found out what needs to be done so that he himself would madly want to make peace. Write it all down.

Step #3: How to mend relations with your husband - the right fight

Now you clearly know what exactly does not satisfy you in your current relationship, and you assume that it does not satisfy your husband in them. You also realize what can motivate him to reconcile.

Let's move on to how to restore relationships, knowing all this. The first step you need to take is to quarrel properly. The right quarrel is always growth, development in a relationship. It excludes the so-called you-messages (reproaches, dissatisfaction, complaints), and instead is filled exclusively with I-messages (saying your needs and desires). Here are examples of you-messages: “You always come late”, “You never wash the dishes after you”, “You never understood me”. Quarrels filled with such messages have no effect. They only alienate you from each other, creating a cold atmosphere of disharmony and rejection in the house.

You-messages are the transfer of responsibility from oneself to another. In order to quarrel correctly, constructively, you need to learn to take responsibility for yourself.

Examples of I-messages: “I don’t like that you come in late. This upsets me. I would like you to come on time, it will make me happy.”

“I’m sorry that you don’t wash your dishes. It upsets me. It would be great if next time you washed it. I will be very happy about it."

“When I see that you do not understand me, I am upset. It pains me to realize that you are not striving to do this. Please listen to me carefully. And I, in turn, will try to convey my idea more clearly. I will be happy if you listen and understand me.

The main difference between “you” and “I” messages is that in the first case, you completely relieve yourself of responsibility and shift it to the interlocutor, and in the second, you express your dissatisfaction, while leaving the focus of attention on yourself. The I-message algorithm is as follows:

You express the essence of your indignation without judgment, without emotion
Describe your feelings and emotions caused by this situation
Express your wishes by suggesting possible alternatives partner behaviors that would suit you

When describing your wishes, you can also attach feelings and emotions to them. “I will be glad if”, “I will be so grateful to you”, “I will be happy”.

This way you can always communicate in the language of i-messages. Such communication will make your relationship harmonious. The right quarrel always leads to rapprochement, the development of relations. Partners learn to listen to each other and implement what the other needs.

And do not forget about sincerity! If you don't feel what you're saying, it won't work.

Step #4: Dealing with the depths of a lingering fight

At the beginning of the article, we talked about values - yours and your partner's. Now let's move on to action. Step four is straight Talk. Talk to your partner seriously. You can tell him how much work you've done by thinking about his and your values in the relationship. Speak with the help of I-messages which of your values are realized in the relationship, and which have ceased. And why would you want them back. Express your wishes and offer alternative options for partner behavior. Do it calmly and carefully, without shifting responsibility on him.

Then move on to his values. Ask if you guessed right? Or maybe he wants something completely different from the relationship? Invite him to speak in the same way as you did. Let your partner talk about himself, about his feelings and emotions, without shifting everything onto you. Try to explain to him how it works. Ideally, let him read this article.

And now slowly begin to understand each other deeper. Talking about values will give you an understanding of what really caused discord in the relationship. Fighting on a deeper level than yelling over unwashed dishes and poorly cooked dinner will bring you closer and understand what you both want from each other. You will also understand how you both can give it to each other. One such fruitful quarrel will save you several years of misunderstanding. And perhaps on the same day will give a new start to your relationship.

Step #5: New relationship

Start building relationships in a new way. Bring them the right quarrels. Remove from your life you-messages that lead to the collapse of any relationship. Every time you feel unhappy about something, remember the self-message formula: "Situation-feeling-wishes." Use it constantly. Very soon it will reach automatism for you, and then it will safely descend to the level of the subconscious, and you will always quarrel like this, without prompting.

Even if your husband is not set up for this kind of communication, he will imperceptibly become your reflection. It is impossible for a calm person who takes responsibility for his values to respond with rudeness. If not quickly, then gradually he will move to your level of communication. You will talk like adults instead of throwing you-messages at each other like hot cakes.

After you have established a relationship with your husband, I recommend that you read articles about the psychology of relationships and about male psychology. With their help, you will be able to establish a balance in the family and learn how to build mature, harmonious, respectful and, most importantly, long-term relationships.

So, you have learned how to build relationships with your husband. Any relationship can be made happy if you turn to the depths. Let me briefly remind you of 5 steps to restore a warm, respectful relationship:

Step one. Learn about your own values. By understanding why you entered into a relationship, you will be able to remember which of your values were realized at the very beginning and which of them ceased to be fulfilled. So you will understand what does not suit you at a deep level.

Step two. Put yourself in his place and think in his mind. Ask yourself the same questions about values that you asked yourself in the first step.

Step three. Learn to quarrel properly, without shifting responsibility to your partner. Express your wishes and offer an alternative. And don't forget feelings.

Step four. Talk about values using the I-message technique. Reach out to your own and his depths. Make a decision to meet each other's values.

Step five. Start a new relationship in which you both take responsibility. Even if only you do this, over time, the husband will move to your level. After all, we are all reflections of each other.

If you do not know how to improve relations with your husband, and you need support along the way, you can contact me for psychological advice or ask a question by filling out the form in the "Contacts" section. I wish you wonderful quarrels that develop warm and happy relationships!

Have a great start to a new relationship!

How to build relationships - 17 rules

Greetings to all! Today I want to tell how to build relationships with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article was the action, which was supported by my readers.

I asked them to email me about their relationship problems, and based on their responses, I've tried to present in this article the most common couple relationship problems. I also built on my past mistakes of living with my wife. From these mistakes, I drew conclusions, which I am happy to share in these rules.

Rule 1 - Take responsibility

We have all heard a lot about how important it is to be able to take responsibility in a relationship. And what kind of disasters does it lead to when partners begin to shift the blame for their actions and words onto another person or blame circumstances for everything.

But for me, accepting responsibility means not only openly admitting your guilt, but, most importantly, it means being ready to correct what has developed through your fault. People who blame their partner or someone else for their troubles, but not themselves, simply capitulate to difficulties, give up. “It’s not my fault, so I can’t do anything about it!”

But to take responsibility means to come to the conclusion: “Yes, this happened because of me, so I can influence it!”

I understand how hard it can be to admit to a partner that you made a mistake, that you could have done better than you did. And it is most difficult to do this in those moments when your pride is hurt. But if you do not, then you will turn away from the problem and it will hang, unresolved, in the space of your relationship.

You subconsciously think that by admitting mistakes, you demonstrate weakness. But in fact, taking responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it's much easier to blame someone else than it is to admit your mistake! desire to point to real reasons problems and fix them, even if you created these reasons - a sign of real courage and wisdom.

Where does your responsibility in a relationship begin and end? I believe it goes much further than many of you are used to thinking. You are responsible not only for your actions, but also for your reaction to events.

If your wife pissed you off with her unfair accusation, and you offended her in response, then it’s not only your spouse’s fault that she began to unfairly accuse you, but you too. Your responsibility lies in the fact that you could not control yourself and brought to the scandal, although you could solve the problem more calmly. You are a free person and you are responsible for your reaction, no one can make you angry, annoyed and lose your temper. Get out of yourself only yourself.

If your husband does not want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think maybe you pressed him too hard, blamed him, instead of being understanding and offering effective ways way out of the problem?

But taking responsibility does not mean blaming yourself for everything. It means coming to terms with how much you and your partner can participate in solving the problem instead of turning away from it. In the examples above, both partners are responsible for the problem. And believe me, if you take on some of your responsibility, and do not completely blame it on your partner, then it will be much easier for your partner to realize their own participation in the problem.

Agree there is big difference between:

“I’m tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You cannot live without your claims!”

“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I should not have yelled at you and provoked a conflict. Probably your accusations are not without foundation, but you express them in a very aggressive form and I think they're kind of unfair. Let's deal with this. I don't need to shout, but you need to learn to speak your mind calmly."

I'm not saying that both spouses are to blame for every conflict. I'm trying to say how important it is to solve every problem in the family together! After all, relationships are not only about you, they are also about the other person. And if both partners do not take an active part in the relationship, then such a relationship will collapse.

And if you and your partner cannot share responsibility for the conflict, then use good rule. Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself: “What can I personally do to improve the situation?” Believe me, if each of the partners will be guided by this simple principle, then develop their relationship and find a way out of problem situations will become much easier.

Rule 2 - Don't leave conflicts unattended

I know how much I want to hug after the ardor of a quarrel, give a rest to tense nerves and calmly forget about what caused the conflict, until the next similar one happens. Avoid this common mistake in your relationship! Yes, give yourself time, calm down, make peace, but then return to the analysis of the causes of the conflict. Why did it happen? Who is responsible for it? How can you personally and your spouse solve this problem?

But don't get attached to the temporary excitement of the truce. Now you want to act, but soon your ardor will pass. In order not to give up and not return to ignoring the problem. Discuss as specifically as possible each other's actions to resolve the conflict. When will you start these activities? What will these actions be? What approximate timeline for overcoming the problem do you see?

If either of you constantly loses your temper and shows excessive emotionality, start practicing practices that help balance your emotions, such as yoga or meditation.

If conflicts are due to bad habits spouse, then find a way to help a person get rid of these habits. But let the one who will fight addiction not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and readiness to provide any support from his partner.

Don't focus only on what you know. If you do not know a way to solve your problem, this does not mean that such a way does not exist. If you really want to overcome some difficulty, you will find how to do it. Because whoever seeks will always find! And only laziness creates all obstacles.

Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next fight.

Rule 3 - Be less offended and be able to forgive

Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: "look how bad you did, so I won't talk to you." Or it can be a way of revenge: "for what you did, I will be offended by you." The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget about what the conflict was about. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that we have already solved the problem with our resentment. Or we showed our partner how offended we were, and now we think that he himself will understand everything and correct himself. Or we survived the “preventive” period of lack of communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relations have recovered by themselves and can continue further.

But this is a deceptive feeling, moreover, it can be not only for you, but also for your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already passed.

But it's always better to go back to the causes of the conflict, as I said in the previous paragraph. If you want to influence your partner, it is always better to do it in the form of a calm, constructive dialogue than resentment. Well, revenge certainly will not make your relationship better.

Some people are also offended by the fact that they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not to say what, this is just right! Avoid these games! In general, avoid any methods of manipulating your partner's feelings, one of which is resentment.

But even if you are offended, then know how to forgive!

Rule 4 - Admit your guilt

It can be very important for your partner that you admit your guilt and sincerely repent. Even after the conflict has exhausted itself, and you have reconciled, do not be too lazy to apologize, say how sorry you are if you feel your own mistake. Forget that before that you defended yourself with ardor and did not want to admit responsibility, step over your pride and say that you were wrong. But only do it with a pure heart and sincere intentions!

Don't do it as a favor or present it as a generous and noble act in the expectation that your partner will immediately fall on your face before your remorse. Be prepared that your apologies may be met with a cold and unenthusiastic response. You should not react to this as if your noble gesture was not appreciated. Believe me, time will pass, and your remorse will fall like a hard coin into the piggy bank of your relationship!

Rule 5 - Listen to the other, learn to take criticism soberly

In the midst of a conflict, when partners exchange accusations and claims, in fact, no one listens to anyone. Each of the parties to the conflict is in a state of attack or defense, but not of perception and understanding. Our psyche is arranged in such a way that we first of all try to protect ourselves from criticism, find contradictions in it, find the most convincing refutation or respond to it with retaliatory criticism. The problem is that we do not always think about how it really is, do not see the truth, obeying the ancient mental mechanism. And we think that since it seems to us that we are right, it means that we are really right.

Try to change these habitual patterns and instead of immediately looking for another counterargument in a quarrel, think about how thorough the criticism addressed to you is? Try to take your mind off your resentment and irritation. Don't let your offended Ego run ahead of you like a man stung by a bee.

The criticism-stung ego makes you think, "I feel I've been wronged, I have to respond." It prevents you from looking at the problem from the perspective of another person. But if we first of all try to imagine how the other person sees everything, then we will become much more objective and understand our partner better, therefore, we will not react so sharply to criticism and perceive it more soberly.

Just take a time out, calm your emotions, let the wounded pride, which again and again brings you back to the insults of your “I”, be silenced. And calmly concentrate on your partner, try to mentally move into him. How does he see the situation in the context of what you know about him and your relationship history? Why is he criticizing you? What reasons does he have for this? How does he react to some of your actions, how does he feel? Does he allow such actions towards you? How would you feel if you were treated like this?

During this mental exercise, your Ego will like a magnet draw your thoughts back to itself, to the “I” position, as soon as you notice this, smoothly transfer your attention to the “HE-SHE (She feels, she wants)” position. When you try this, you will understand that it is not at all easy to go beyond your Self, your desires and put yourself in the place of another person. But everything comes with experience and you can learn to change your egocentric perception of everything over time.

I cannot say that this exercise will necessarily lead you to the fact that you will see only your own guilt in what happened. No, you will simply begin to understand your partner better and take criticism more soberly.

Also ask yourself: how can criticism help you? Yes, to help. Listening to criticism means not taking it as a way to lower your dignity or lower your self-esteem. This is an opportunity to get an idea of your shortcomings, weaknesses or to understand how your partner perceives you.

Imagine that you came to the doctor for an examination and he says to you: “You have bad posture, excess weight and elevated level cholesterol." It is not very reasonable to answer him: “Look at yourself, but you yourself are not very slender!” Of course, it would be right to listen to the doctor's words and take advantage of his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.

But why can't we always listen to the words of our soul mate, even if they relate to our character and personality? After all, we can also change it, recognize our shortcomings and get rid of them, just as we can correct problems with being overweight. Understand that criticism is not meant to remind you of your weaknesses, it gives you the opportunity to improve, to become better!

Of course, it is not always adequate. But if it does not correspond to reality, what is the use of being offended and worried? And if it is true, then all the more you should not respond with reciprocal accusations! Most often there is a mixed version: criticism becomes exaggerated, amplified by emotions and resentment, embellished with speculation. And the true wisdom of a relationship lies in being able to extract from it what is really true and use it in order to better understand yourself. And at the same time, do not respond to empty and unfounded accusations.

I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes says to me: “You never listen to me,” when I, once again buried in my work, let her words fall on deaf ears.

Of course, my Self does not accept such a sharp wording: "Never!" (after all, this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: “Yes, you exaggerate everything, you just distract me, I can’t switch quickly when I work, you yourself can’t find the moments when it’s better to contact me.” But when you try to distract yourself from your I, a slightly different picture comes out.

Indeed, often when a spouse contacts me, I don’t react, even if I’m not busy with work, but just think about something (I consider this conflict in the context of the relationship history in order to understand how she perceives it). Did I notice such a reaction on her part (does she act like that)? When I talk to her, most of the time she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I would probably be offended by this (and if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions because of which she says: “You never listen!” (how does she feel?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, often I listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is caused by feelings, but these feelings can be understood. Probably, I need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not to hover in my thoughts. I will simply become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to it (how will this help me become a better person?).

Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positives

It just so happens that we gradually get used to the virtues of our soulmate. They become a given for us, and we basically begin to notice the shortcomings. Especially clearly these shortcomings are seen in comparison with other pairs. After I lived for several years with my future wife, I began to think that we might not be suitable for each other, that we are different in many ways. I began to dwell on the differences and shortcomings, and at one time it seemed that they represented the only and most significant problem.

And only a few years later I realized how much we really have in common. And this commonality and similarity is manifested in such basic things that you quickly get used to them, and sometimes it is difficult to discern, especially if you start thinking only about the differences and shortcomings of your partner. And the nuances, they are nuances for that, in order to stand out against the background of general patterns, attracting attention to themselves.

People are different and everyone has their flaws. You will not be able to find an ideal or ideally similar person to you. It just has to be accepted.

Try not to constantly compare your partner with others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are like him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his mind, for those things that remain in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. BUT better words tell your young man how grateful you are to him for his qualities and how you love him for it! He will be very pleased, he will see that his merits are appreciated, and not ignored. Let's do it today when you see it! And in general, try to praise him more often (but do not overdo it, avoid flattery), so that he sees how dear he is to you, and that you can see in him what he probably values most of all in himself, what he tries to maintain and develop .

Of course, it happens that your partner practically consists of only flaws. In this case, you do not need to look for a grain of good in it in order to grab onto it. Here already something needs to be changed in the relationship.

And remember to seek positive sides in another person does not mean accepting his shortcomings. Try to help him correct his shortcomings. But it is not necessary only to make up the appearance of a person from them.

Rule 7 - Be sincere and open

There is a wonderful classic serial film by Ingmar Bergman "Scenes from married life". The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, avoidance of "forbidden" topics can lead to the collapse of outwardly prosperous relationships.

Do not bring the relationship to what the heroes of this picture brought them to (divorce). Remember, there are no "forbidden" topics in a relationship. If you are tormented by doubts, fears, insecurities, tell your partner about it. Let him know what you don't like about your relationship, listen to what he feels uncomfortable and displeased with. Discuss it and come to a compromise. No need to avoid "sensitive" issues, like sex, because this is also part of the relationship.

Of course, you should not try to forcefully find out all the secrets of your spouse, but reveal all your past secrets yourself. This also needs to be balanced, as well as everything else that concerns your relationship.

Rule 8 - Develop your relationship by developing yourself!

It would be a big mistake to think that relationships will develop by themselves, as soon as they start. Relationships require constant attention, the involvement of both partners.

Growth means not only strengthening the bond, for example, the decision to live together, marry, have children, but also the personal development of each partner!

Relationships sometimes require a lot more from people than loneliness, a separate existence. Why? Because in order for the connection between two people to be strong and harmonious, both of them will need to step over that part of themselves that is the hardest to step over! Through your selfishness, your endless desires.

Both partners need to learn to listen to the other, find a compromise, give in and care. But not everyone has these qualities and often they need to be developed. That is why I understand the problems of many young couples, which consist in the fact that there is a strong conflict of interests between two people, one of them or each is trying to do as he wants, without listening to the wishes of the partner.

And there is nothing surprising in this, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, embarking on new job, performs it with errors, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had his first relationship, for him there were no other people with their desires. There were his parents who took care of him, friends who didn't demand much. And he had only his "I", with all his desires, which he used to satisfy without making allowances for other people. He does not even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.

The ability to find a compromise, to listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it may seem that relationships are some kind of prison, calling on a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But it's not. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say “no” to thousands of “wants” actually lead to freedom. Freedom from our selfish desires, our Ego that commands us. Altruism is not rigid self-restraint, it is an attempt to get rid of anger, self-indulgence, stubbornness, obsession with oneself for the sake of joint happiness. BUT strong relationships, on the one hand, they require a person to step over his egoism, on the other hand, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this idea in the conclusion.

Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.

Rule 9 - Don't build relationships around sex

Sex has become more and more important to people. Undoubtedly, it is of considerable importance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be struck, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.

Many people see it as a disaster that sex is not as varied and wild as they would like it to be. This leads them to either break existing relationships, or to search for relationships on the side. But really, sexual pleasure- this is just one of the many forms of a love affair, in addition to it, there are many manifestations of love!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality sexual life. But you can’t get hung up on it, believing that the lack of violent and frequent sex destroys your relationship, while everything else in them is in order. Maybe it's not the lack of everyday pleasure that makes you unsatisfied? What makes you so is your irrepressible, unbridled desires that you cannot fully satiate, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You can’t give full play to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the more hungry, gluttonous and insatiable they become!

Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!

Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom, aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.

No matter how stormy sex is, it is not able to bind two partners as tightly as empathy, friendship, deep understanding, care, love. Building relationships around sex means making them limited, weak, dependent, and incomplete.

Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests

Your interests do not have to coincide in everything. No need to look for similarities in everything and suffer because of the lack thereof. Today I was asked. “Nikolai, I see that your wife’s website is dedicated to esotericism, and you yourself seem to be far from mysticism. How do you find a compromise between your views and the beliefs of your spouse?

The fact of the matter is that I cannot say that we have agreement on this issue and that we are striving for it. My wife believes in things that I don't, but that's okay! Different people have different ideas and beliefs, that's the way we are. And the art of relationships is to stop making a big deal out of it, to accept the fact that people are different.

It cost me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take hostility the beliefs of my soul mate, not to argue on every occasion, not to criticize them. I realized how important it is for her what she believes in and began to respect and appreciate it. Because it brings joy and peace of mind the person I love.

I cannot say that we are trying hard to come to some kind of compromise, a synthesis of my and her views with her convictions. Despite the fact that in many places we agree, somewhere we categorically disagree with each other. But we try to just leave it as it is, and calmly accept it. Why should one person change his views to please another?

If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you consider this a useless and stupid activity, then you don’t need to try to convince him every time of what nonsense he is doing, if this does not bring great harm family. If he allows himself this in rare cases, then leave it as it is. Respect someone else's small and harmless weakness. And the top of your generosity and understanding will be, for example, to give him some kind of computer game, even if you think that this is a waste of money. But it will be nice for your young man!

Personally, it took a lot of work for me to accept even the small expenses of my wife on esotericism, which, of course, I considered meaningless. But I think I managed to go through this stage and come to the understanding that she likes it, how she loves it, therefore, these expenses cannot be empty. And I am very glad that I managed to overcome this rejection in myself.

On the other hand, if you yourself are a young man whom your spouse accuses of devoting a couple of hours a week to computer games, take it easy. She does not need to prove in the heat of the moment that you are developing yourself in this way and enter into polemics and quarrels. Yes, your wife cannot understand you, but leave it as it is, do not try to come to an agreement through quarrels and insults. If you stop responding to her attacks, then sooner or later she will run out of “fuel” for accusations.

I do not mean to say that one should not strive for understanding and compromise. Try to understand how important certain things are for your soul mate. But if you can’t understand this in any way, these things seem empty and stupid to you, just accept it and let your loved one enjoy them. But here, too, you should not take this principle to an extreme and allow your partner some completely destructive behavior, for example, drinking every day or getting addicted to drugs. Everything has a limit.

Rule 11 - Know how to say no!

You should not constantly indulge the absurd demands of your spouse. If your significant other, for example, requires you to report on every step you take, outside of his or her presence, then you do not have to satisfy this desire. No need to feed other people's shortcomings, such as fear and paranoia. You should not think that if you refuse your husband or wife something deeply unpleasant for you, you will lose his love and respect. On the contrary, in this way you will preserve and demonstrate your own independence, the presence of your will and your desires.

Rule 12 - Keep a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner

Try not to impose yourself excessively on your partner. Leave him room for independence. You should not try to control his every step and strive to fill all the time with being near him. I understand that this advice is difficult to follow for those who see the meaning of life only in their love for one person. But the intrusive desire to limit someone else's freedom may meet resistance and rejection of your partner. In order not to feel painful attachment to your husband or wife, learn to spend time alone with yourself. Indeed, in a relationship there should be room for both loneliness and your personal affairs. Find something that you enjoy, that brings you joy, that you can do and enjoy when your partner is not around. Do not reduce your whole life only to your relationships, expand the horizons of your hobbies and activities!

But at the same time, concern for one's own independence should not develop into promiscuity and ignoring relationships. Yes, on the one hand, you should not try to spend all the time in each other's arms, but also you should not neglect the care of the relationship and the attention that you can give to your spouse. And there is no need to endure the fact that your soul mate does not pay attention to you at all. How to find a balance?

Meetings should not be too rare if you have serious relationship, but at the same time, you do not have to see each other every day, unless, of course, both of you want to. If your husband sometimes meets with friends, with work partners, then there is nothing to worry about, he should have his own life. But if it develops into everyday activities after work, when he doesn’t see you anyway, then this is already going beyond. In general, there can be no precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!

Rule 13 - Don't "play chamomile"

“Everything is so good with us, he is wonderful and caring, but it seems to me that I have disappeared from him strong feelings". From the fact of not having feelings, people often make a big problem.

Do not take the weakening of feelings as a symptom that there are problems in the relationship and some action needs to be taken. Do not get attached to feelings, because they are temporary and impermanent. Passion and strong love pass, such is the nature of man. Even when they appear in a relationship, they are not permanent: either they are there, or they are not there, then you feel some kind of surge of tenderness towards your partner, but at another moment, listening to yourself, you understand that these feelings do not exist.

If you put such an unreliable and fickle thing as feelings as the basis of your relationship, then your relationship will become just as unreliable and fickle. It's like building only wind farms in one country. The weather is very changeable, so the supply of electricity to cities will be very unstable.

I'm not saying you should completely ignore your emotions. You just should not see them as the only criterion for your relationship. You shouldn't get attached to them. If your husband is really caring and sensitive, if everything is fine with you, then you don’t have to constantly play camomile and try to evoke feelings in yourself. So, on the contrary, you will only attract tension and doubts that will make it difficult to see any emotions. Therefore, relax, enjoy the relationship, stop thinking about it, and then the feelings will come on their own, and then leave again, only to return later. After all, they are as unpredictable as the wind!

And perhaps, having relaxed, you will understand that there have always been feelings, just behind your desire for strong feelings, for unbridled passion, you have already forgotten how to distinguish softer emotions. The abundance of bright sensual colors at the beginning of a relationship can distort your vision, so that you stop seeing calm tones for a while.

The same can be applied to your expectations from a partner. Don't expect him to always be Romeo in love. His feelings are just as fickle as yours. Make allowance for the fact that men tend to be more reserved in expressing their feelings than women.

Rule 14 - Learn Diplomacy

I am sure that many of those reading this article are faced with the problem that they would like to positively influence their partner, but they do not succeed. Your partner does not pay attention to you or has flaws that he does not want to correct, and you can’t set him on the right path in any way. You are concerned about your relationship and you have a completely noble desire to fix it. I think that those who are used to letting things take their course are unlikely to read about how to fix relationships. So, this is a small compliment to you.

Changing, correcting a partner is a very difficult task and not always feasible. I know this firsthand. For a long time my wife could do absolutely nothing with my laziness, indifference, violent emotions, promiscuity, irresponsibility and infantilism. Of course, I did not want to listen to anything, because, as it seemed to me, I myself knew everything better than anyone, and no one could be my decree. And I understand that such pride is characteristic of many people, especially men. They are more than women subject to the illusion that they know everything about everything that is always right. They always strive to form an opinion in advance about every thing in the world, even if they do not understand something. They do not want to accept someone else's help and someone else's support, and if they use it, then without gratitude.

Of course, I am not generalizing and do not want to say that all men behave this way. I just met more men with the described qualities than women. Yes, I used to be like that too. And I must not have been helped by any assurances until I myself wanted to change.

Therefore, I understand how difficult it is to explain something to a proud person, for whom it is much more important to remain in the paradigm of their ideas and beliefs, to feel right than to improve, to become better. His pride, like a wall, can reflect all sincere attempts to help. So how do you influence your partner? I think that the issue of subtle diplomacy requires a separate article, which I may publish. But I'll still give you a few tips.

There is no need to aggressively impose on a person some truths with which he does not agree. Encourage him to try everything on his own experience, to see everything for himself. Create the appearance that your partner has reached everything himself, and not at your behest. Praise him and show him how much you appreciate his efforts to overcome his shortcomings.

But at the same time, do not scold for failures, urge you to calmly try again and again. No need to tell him how bad he is, rather tell him how you suffer because of his shortcomings and how you would like him to overcome them. Carry on a dialogue with him, take an interest in his successes, suggest new methods. Let him at least try, and if something does not work, he will have the right to quit. Help and guide, but at the same time leave room for independence.

Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust

The more you show trust in your partner, the harder it will be for him to betray that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than to simply confirm existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, leading questions. As I wrote in an article about jealousy, this behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.

While of course you can't trust someone who constantly deceives you, over-trusting is also bad! Be careful, do not let any crooks turn your head and play with your feelings. If a person has deceived your trust one or more times, draw conclusions and be vigilant!

Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you

Often old lovers get tired of any manifestation of initiative, creativity and desire for novelty. They get used, each to their own, unspoken duties, and do not want to do anything that goes beyond their scope.

But new positive trends in relationships, a fresh initiative is always good! It brings people together, awakens dormant feelings, helps to feel care and warmth, rather than indifference and coldness. Therefore, make unexpected gifts and surprises, master the skill of family life that is alien to you. If you are a man, then start cooking, making it easier for your wife to do this duty. If you are a woman, think of something pleasant and useful that you can please and surprise your spouse with. Be creative and be creative.

Think about what your soul mate wants, what will make her work easier and make her or him happy. This is not only about making unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in your partner's life, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.

Rule 17 - Be willing to let go of a deadlocked relationship

This article provides tips on how to build and improve relationships. I believe it's better to try a few times to fix a potentially good relationship than to end it. My wife did not leave me five years ago, despite my inability then to think of anyone other than myself. Since then, I have changed drastically, realized my mistakes and corrected them, which also helped me to write this article. But it took me a while to change, and I understand that well. Therefore, I urge everyone to give their halves a chance, because who knows what might happen in the future from what we have now?

But here you need to strike a balance. In general, this entire article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of having relationships, just like the art of life, lies in the ability to balance between several extremes. Therefore, all the advice here is ambiguous, they do not tell you "do this, not do that", they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find golden mean. Try to correct the partner, but at the same time do not push with all your weight. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow the relationship to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations, say a clear “no”. Trying to understand other people's interests, but accepting that understanding is not always possible ...

And I realize that although in some situations it is better to fix the relationship, in other situations it is better to end it altogether. If your partner consistently behaves in a way that you don't like despite your efforts to positively influence them. If he offends you, does not manage his anger well, dissolves his hands and does not want to be corrected. If you have done everything to improve the relationship, but your efforts have not led to anything. If you constantly suffer because of other people's grievances and unfair suspicions. Then it is better to think about how to end such a relationship. Especially if you are still young and have no children. Don't worry, you'll find a much better partner. You don't deserve to be a martyr or babysit for someone all your life.

Conclusion - Relationships and Self Development

The ability to maintain relationships is determined by the personal skills of both partners: caring, altruism, understanding the other, the ability to give in and compromise. Relationships are not a market economy in which everyone can only thrive by looking out for themselves.

I returned to this question again, as this is the most important. And most of the problems in relationships occur precisely because of selfishness and unwillingness to put yourself in the place of another!

Relationships do not serve to satisfy your pride, voluptuousness, selfishness, but for the harmonious coexistence and development of two people! As I wrote above, relationships will help you develop altruism and understanding, as well as many other skills. In my opinion, a long-term relationship between a man and a woman is a school of self-development and personality education! And the positive experience that you get from life with your wife or husband, you can apply in absolutely any relationship, with subordinates or bosses, with friends or opponents, with children or pensioners. It will also serve as a reliable support in many life situations. After all, diplomacy, patience, the ability to listen - these are the qualities that are simply necessary to achieve success in life and personal happiness.

I often meet people who have relationship problems or no relationship at all. For some of them, relationships are a series of suffering and quarrels.

Others are simply in a permanent search, and they can’t find a permanent partner in any way: all their attempts to maintain long-term relationships turn into failure. Still others simply do not look for anyone, or they doubt themselves very much, or they just like to be alone.

But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: not only changeable fortune or poor choice of partners prevents them from finding family happiness. Often these people simply do not have personal qualities without which it will be difficult to maintain these relations. These people are infantile, devoid of a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh, or vice versa, extremely soft-bodied, cannot cope with their changing emotions, do not know how to listen and understand the needs of other people, selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants to long term relationship, then it must have some quality.

(I'm not at all going to say that all single people are like that. Not at all. Some of them really like loneliness and independence. They feel self-sufficient and are able to lead a harmonious life without any constant relationship. I have nothing against it, this is a personal choice of each I also want to clarify that if you understand that you have severe relationship problems, this does not necessarily mean that the problem is rooted in your personality.It happens that the reason for this is related to your partner or external factors.

But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens and, moreover, often.)

This does not mean that he should have these qualities from the very beginning. Each person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.

I see human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people who share the same bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make the connection with your husband or wife stronger, but you will also become better and happier yourself.

So, you liked the girl. She fits all parameters: charming and charming. In a word, ideal. Naturally, with such a girl you want not only to communicate and flirt, but also to have a closer relationship. How to start and develop relationships with the girl of your dreams? Let's consider in more detail.

There are several stages in the development of a relationship. First, people get to know each other. Then, in good case, they have sympathy (sometimes not immediately). The next stage is the first dates and the beginning of a relationship. It is followed by the stage of a serious relationship, which is exactly what you should strive for. And then it all depends on young people and their desire to maintain relationships. If they don’t put in enough effort, a cooling down phase comes, ending in parting. But this is not at all what we need.

How to start a relationship?

There are two paths for the development of events. Consider a situation where you are not familiar with your passion, or are familiar in absentia. In this situation, it is incredibly important to make the right and good impression when meeting.

You can arrange a romantic acquaintance (as if "by chance" to meet in a place where she often happens).
If you have mutual friends, don't hesitate to ask them to introduce you to each other. The girl will have confidence in you, as acquaintances would not introduce her to just anyone.
Finally, you can use social networks and write to the girl. This option may not seem like the best option. But the main thing here is the right strategy. Do not be banal, but you should not go too far. Using pickup guru tricks is not relevant now.

In this situation, it is important to be self-confident, open and sincere. Don't be afraid to meet. The task of this stage is to interest the object of sympathy.

If you are already familiar, then everything is simple. You need to "test the ground". Ask people you know to ask her what she thinks of you. But it's better to be brave and talk to her yourself. Then, depending on her reaction, you can move on to the next step.

The beginning of a relationship

To develop a relationship with a girl, you should invite her on a date. The main thing is to immediately indicate that you are inviting her on a date. Not just a friendly outing to the movies or a walk in the park. You invite her as a girl.

Important rules for the first date:

Choose a location. Be sure to ask where she would like to go. If she gives the choice to you, then visit your favorite places.
On a date, be as natural as possible. No need to adapt and even more so to lie to the girl.
Don't rush intimacy. If you are planning long relationship, then believe me, it will not do without sex.
State the seriousness of your intentions. But do not push, it can scare the girl. You can’t talk on the first date about the wedding, children and the construction of a country house.

Talk about interests, try to find commonalities with each other. If you know how - joke! A sense of humor is always appreciated by girls.

How to develop a relationship with a girl?

Spend a lot of time together. It doesn't have to be going to the movies, theaters or museums. Romantic time can also be spent at home: cook delicious food together, watch an interesting movie or series.
Treat her with respect and take care of her. All women appreciate care.
Give compliments, pay attention to small changes. It fuels relationships. A girl needs to feel special.
Pay attention to what she says. These words quite often contain a lot of valuable information.
Don't compete with a girl. Do not prove that you are better, smarter, etc.

By following these tips, you can eventually achieve a serious relationship that everyone dreams of. It should be noted that it is important not to completely dissolve in relationships and not lose yourself as a separate person. Remember that relationships are work that needs to be done daily. And it all depends on the efforts of both partners. Therefore, men do not need to think that all responsibility lies with them, and if they are "good guys", then everything will work out. If a girl does not want to develop a relationship, then alas, no matter how hard you try, they will not work out well.

Greetings to all! Today I want to tell how to build relationships with your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. The basis for this article was, which was supported by my readers.

Rule 1 - Take responsibility

But to take responsibility means to come to the conclusion: “Yes, this happened because of me, so I can influence it!”

You subconsciously think that by admitting mistakes, you demonstrate weakness. But in fact, taking responsibility, stepping over your wounded pride and self-esteem, you show real strength! Because it's much easier to blame someone else than it is to admit your mistake! The desire to point out the true causes of the problem and correct them, even if you created these causes, is a sign of real courage and wisdom.

If your husband does not want to give up his bad habits, despite your assurances, think about it, maybe you pressed him too hard, blamed him, instead of treating him with understanding and offering a way out of the problem?

Agree, there is a big difference between:

“I’m tired of you constantly blaming me for everything! You cannot live without your claims!”

“I think my mistake is that I lost my temper, I should not have yelled at you and provoked a conflict. Perhaps your accusations are not without foundation, but you express them in a very aggressive way, and it seems to me that they are somewhat unfair. Let's deal with this. I don't need to shout, but you need to learn to speak your mind calmly."

And if you and your partner cannot share responsibility for the conflict, then use a good rule. Instead of arguing about who is right and who is wrong, each of you ask yourself: “What can I personally do to improve the situation?” Believe me, if each of the partners is guided by this simple principle, it will become much easier to develop your relationship and find a way out of problem situations.

Rule 2 - Don't leave conflicts unattended

If one of you constantly loses your temper and shows excessive emotionality, start practicing practices that help balance your emotions, such as yoga or.

If conflicts are due to bad habits of a spouse, then find a way to help a person get rid of these habits. But let the one who will fight addiction not be left alone! Let him see understanding, love and readiness to provide any support from his partner.

Resolve conflicts constructively instead of yelling at each other and then hugging and forgetting everything until the next fight.

Rule 3 - Be less offended and be able to forgive

Resentment in a relationship serves as a way to influence your partner: "look how bad you did, so I won't talk to you". Or it could be a way of revenge: “For what you did, I will be offended by you”. The danger of resentment is the same as the danger of passionate reconciliation, after which we forget about what the conflict was about. Emotions slowly subside, resentment passes: after all, we cannot be angry forever. And sometimes it seems to us that we have already solved the problem with our resentment. Or we showed our partner how offended we were, and now we think that he himself will understand everything and correct himself. Or we survived the “preventive” period of lack of communication with each other, during which, as it seems to us, our relations have recovered by themselves and can continue further.

But this is a deceptive feeling, moreover, it can be not only for you, but also for your partner. Neither you nor he will want to return to a conflict that seems to have already passed.

Some people are also offended by the fact that they unconsciously understand the absurdity of their claims, they understand that it is better not to express them directly, but to be offended and not to say what, this is just right! Avoid these games! Generally avoid any methods of manipulating your partner's feelings one of which is resentment.

But even if you are offended, then know how to forgive!

Rule 4 - Admit your guilt

Rule 5 - Listen to the other, learn to take criticism soberly

Imagine that you came to the doctor for a check-up and he says to you: “You have poor posture, overweight and high cholesterol”. It is not very reasonable to answer him: “Look at yourself, but you yourself are not very slender!” Of course, it would be right to listen to the doctor's words and take advantage of his recommendations, for example, eat less fatty foods and go to the gym.

I will explain everything said in this paragraph with an example from my family life. My wife sometimes says to me: "You never listen to me" when I, once again burying myself in my work, let her words fall on deaf ears.

Of course, my Self does not accept such a sharp wording: "Never!" (after all, this is not true!) and begins to defend himself. My first reaction was usually: “Yes, you exaggerate everything, you just distract me, I can’t switch quickly when I’m working, you yourself can’t find the moments when it’s better to contact me”. But when you try to distract yourself from your I, a slightly different picture comes out.

Indeed, often when a spouse contacts me, I don’t react, even if I’m not busy with work, but just think about something ( I consider this conflict in the context of the history of relationships in order to understand how she perceives it). Did I notice such a reaction on her part ( does she do that)? When I talk to her, most of the time she listens to me. But if she constantly ignored my words, then I would probably be offended by this ( What if I were in her place?). And resentment causes emotions because of which she says: “You never listen!” ( what feelings does she have?) Of course, this is an exaggeration, often I listen to what she is trying to tell me. This exaggeration is caused by feelings, but these feelings can be understood. Probably, I need to be more attentive and learn to listen to my spouse when she talks to me, and not to hover in my thoughts. I will just become more attentive in life if I learn to listen to her ( How will this help me get better?).

Rule 6 - Pay attention to the positives

People are different and everyone has their flaws. You will not be able to find an ideal or ideally similar person to you. It just has to be accepted.

Try not to constantly compare your partner with others. Try to think about what is good about him, how you are like him, instead of thinking only about the bad. Why did you love him? Maybe for understanding, for his character, for his mind, for those things that remain in him now, but you just stopped paying attention to them? Imagine these virtues in your mind and mentally thank the person for having them. Better yet, tell your young man in words how grateful you are for his qualities and how much you love him for it! He will be very pleased, he will see that his merits are appreciated, and not ignored. Let's do it today when you see it! And in general, try to praise him more often (but do not overdo it, avoid flattery), so that he sees how dear he is to you, and that you can see in him what he probably values most of all in himself, what he tries to maintain and develop .

And remember, looking for positive aspects in another person does not mean accepting his shortcomings. Try to help him correct his shortcomings. But it is not necessary only to make up the appearance of a person from them.

Rule 7 - Be sincere and open

There is a wonderful classic multi-part film by Ingmar Bergman "Scenes from a Married Life". The film shows how insincerity, secrecy, avoidance of "forbidden" topics can lead to the collapse of outwardly prosperous relationships.

Rule 8 - Develop your relationship by developing yourself!

It would be a big mistake to think that relationships will develop by themselves, as soon as they start. Relationships require constant attention, the involvement of both partners.

Growth means not only strengthening the bond, for example, the decision to live together, marry, have children, but also the personal development of each partner!

And there is nothing surprising in this, just as there is nothing surprising in the fact that a person, starting a new job, does it with errors, since he has no experience. But relationships also require experience and certain skills. It happens that before a person had his first relationship, for him there were no other people with their desires. There were his parents who took care of him, friends who didn't demand much. And he had only his "I", with all his desires, which he used to satisfy without making allowances for other people. He does not even understand that there is another person who also wants something. And the desires of partners do not always coincide.

The ability to find a compromise, to listen to another person is a skill that needs to be developed. From my reasoning, it may seem that relationships are some kind of prison, calling on a person to give up what is dear to him for his precious personality. But it's not. The development of compassion, empathy, the ability to say “no” to thousands of “wants” actually lead to freedom. Freedom from our selfish desires, our Ego that commands us. Altruism is not rigid self-restraint, it is an attempt to get rid of anger, self-indulgence, stubbornness, obsession with oneself for the sake of joint happiness. And strong relationships, on the one hand, require a person to step over his egoism, on the other hand, they are an excellent school for the development of altruism, understanding and empathy. I will return to this idea in the conclusion.

Relationships discipline and strengthen the personality and through this they themselves become stronger.

Rule 9 - Don't build relationships around sex

In our free age, after the atmosphere of puritanical morality began to evaporate in the relationships of people around the world, which tabooed the discussion of sex and belittled its role in the life of spouses, people began to strive from one extreme to another. From the extreme of prohibition and secrecy to the extreme of openness and permissiveness.
Sex has become more and more important to people. Undoubtedly, it is of considerable importance in a relationship. But here, too, a balance must be struck, without overestimating the role of sexual intimacy.

Many people see it as a disaster that sex is not as varied and wild as they would like it to be. This leads them to either break off existing relationships or look for relationships on the side. But in fact, sexual pleasure is just one of the many forms of a love affair, there are many manifestations of love besides it!

Of course, there is nothing wrong with striving to improve the quality of your sex life. But you can’t get hung up on it, believing that the lack of violent and frequent sex destroys your relationship, while everything else in them is in order. Maybe it's not the lack of everyday pleasure that makes you unsatisfied? What makes you so is your irrepressible, unbridled desires that you cannot fully satiate, no matter how many partners you have and how often you have sex! You can’t give full play to your desires, not only because of some moral considerations, but because the more you indulge them, the more hungry, gluttonous and insatiable they become!

Constant sex with multiple partners will not make you happy, it will make you addicted!

Puritan prohibitions also had their own wisdom, aimed at curbing spoilage, depravity and satiety. Although strict prohibitions are also extremes that should be avoided.

Rule 10 - Accept that you may have different interests

It cost me a lot of work and time to learn a little not to take hostility the beliefs of my soul mate, not to argue on every occasion, not to criticize them. I realized how important it is for her what she believes in and began to respect and appreciate it. After all, it brings joy and peace of mind to the person I love.

If your young man, for example, sometimes plays computer games, and you consider this a useless and stupid activity, then you should not try to convince him every time of what nonsense he is doing, if this does not bring much harm to the family. If he allows himself this in rare cases, then leave it as it is. Respect someone else's small and harmless weakness. And the top of your generosity and understanding will be, for example, to give him some kind of computer game, even if you think that this is a waste of money. But it will be nice for your young man!

Rule 11 - Know how to say no!

Rule 12 - Keep a balance between time spent together and the independence of each partner

Meetings should not be too rare if you are in a serious relationship, but at the same time, you do not need to see each other every day, unless, of course, both of you want to. If your husband sometimes meets with friends, with work partners, then there is nothing to worry about, he should have his own life. But if it develops into everyday activities after work, when he doesn’t see you anyway, then this is already going beyond. In general, there can be no precise recommendations on how not to cross a certain line between imposition and the right to independence. You need to rely on your wisdom. Remember, the devil lives in extremes!

Rule 13 - Don't "play chamomile"

“We are doing so well, he is wonderful and caring, but I think I have lost strong feelings for him.” From the fact of not having feelings, people often make a big problem.

Rule 14 - Learn Diplomacy

Rule 15 - Build relationships on trust

The more you show trust in your partner, the harder it will be for him to betray that trust. After all, it is much worse to lose what you have than to simply confirm existing fears and suspicions. If possible, avoid paranoia, constant checks, surveillance, leading questions. As I wrote in an article about, this behavior does not serve to strengthen relationships, but only slowly destroys them.

Rule 16 - Always do more than is required of you

But new positive trends in relationships, a fresh initiative is always good! It brings people together, awakens dormant feelings, helps to feel care and warmth, rather than indifference and coldness. That's why make unexpected gifts and surprises, master the skill of family life alien to you. If you are a man, then start cooking, making it easier for your wife to do this duty. If you are a woman, think of something pleasant and useful that you can please and surprise your spouse with. Be creative and be creative.

Think about what your soul mate wants, what will make her work easier and make her or him happy. This is not only about making an unexpected surprise, but also about taking part in the life of your partner, stop focusing only on your life and your problems.

Rule 17 - Be willing to let go of a deadlocked relationship

But here you need to strike a balance. In general, this entire article is about balance. After all, relationships are the embodiment of compromise, and the art of maintaining relationships, just like, lies in the ability to balance between several extremes. So all the advice here is ambiguous, they don't tell you to "do this, don't do that", they rather give us direction, relying on your wisdom to find a middle ground. Try to correct the partner, but at the same time do not push with all your weight. Give freedom, but at the same time do not allow the relationship to be neglected. Give in, but in some situations, say a clear “no”. Trying to understand other people's interests, but accepting that understanding is not always possible ...

Conclusion - Relationships and Self Development

I often meet people who have relationship problems or no relationship at all. For some of them, relationships are a series of suffering and quarrels.

But in many cases, all these people have one thing in common: not only changeable fortune or poor choice of partners prevents them from finding family happiness. Often these people simply lack personal qualities, without which it will be difficult to maintain these relationships. These people are infantile, devoid of a sense of responsibility, overly demanding and harsh, or vice versa, extremely soft-bodied, cannot cope with their changing emotions, do not know how to listen and understand the needs of other people, selfish, self-contained and shy, prone to fears and anxieties. This list can be continued for a long time, but one thing is important: if a person wants a long-term relationship, then he must have some qualities.

But, nevertheless, what I wrote about above happens and, moreover, often.)

This does not mean that he should have these qualities from the very beginning. Each person can change for the better and love and family connection can help him in this.
I see human relationships as fertile ground for the personal development of two people who share the same bond. By strengthening this relationship, you will not only make the connection with your husband or wife stronger, but you will also become better and happier yourself.

Unfortunately, no relationship is complete without quarrels and misunderstandings, so sooner or later every couple experiences an unpleasant feeling of distance from each other, resentment and even anger. After such emotions, it is very difficult to establish relationships, especially with a girl.

A quarrel can occur for any reason, both serious and not so, but if the relationship is dear to both, then you need to restore them. And often the strong half of humanity takes the first step. But not everyone knows how to improve relations with a girl in such a way that the quarrel really remains in the past, and the relationship does not suffer.

How to improve relations with your girlfriend?

If there was a quarrel, and the young man wants to restore relations, then he should remember a few rules that will help to do this.

The first and very important rule: to blame - apologize: you should not build yourself a proud hedgehog and pout, when you yourself know very well that the fault in the quarrel is entirely yours. Apologizing in such a situation is not a manifestation of weakness, but rather the opposite. It takes courage to admit your mistakes.

Rule two: don't leave misunderstandings ania: if you really want to improve relations with a girl after a quarrel, then you need to find out why exactly this quarrel happened. Perhaps you have different views on some issues, and you need to look for a compromise? Be sure to discuss this, come to some common denominator, and in this way you will insure yourself against quarrels for the future, at least on this specific issue.

Rule three: let the girl cool down: it’s not worth five minutes after she left, slamming the door, start calling her, bombarding her with messages, or, even worse, running after her and grabbing her hands. A person needs time to cool down and think. And only then decide what to do.

Rule Four: do not hysteria and behave like a man. Be calm and reasonable, do not make scandals and tantrums, otherwise you will only cause disgust.

How to mend a relationship with a girl after a breakup

It happens that the quarrel is so strong that. Or it's just a crisis in the relationship, and people are tired of each other. Do you still want to return to the past? Try it.

Do not be intrusive, do not sort things out, especially often and especially in public.

God forbid you to say something bad about your girlfriend to someone - he will never forgive.

Try to just be there at the right time - to help, support, solve some of her important problems. There is a chance that she will understand that you are needed and important to her.

Yes, of course, when the question arises of how to improve relations with a girl after breaking up, everyone immediately remembers about. Indeed, it will not be superfluous, but, again, do not be intrusive.

Unfortunately, it also happens that all tricks and efforts are in vain, because love just left. If you see that your attempts to improve relations leave the girl cold and indifferent, reconcile. Perhaps ahead of you is waiting for that very, real, strong love.