The addiction trap in relationships: how to get rid of love addiction. Emotional dependence in relationships

In relationships, women strive for inner peace and harmony. They dream that their life and they themselves will change radically with the appearance of a reliable person in their life. loving man. This may be why many women tend to fall into psychological dependence on a man and mistake it for love. How to get rid of dependence on a man, how does a woman find herself in this trap, how to get out of it and not fall into it again?

Problem love addiction, first of all, is that you lose the ability to soberly assess yourself and the situation in which you find yourself. Like any other addiction, psychological dependence on a man takes a huge amount of vital resources from a woman, but in return brings nothing but the illusion of happiness and satisfaction.

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How to determine that you are inclined to become psychologically dependent on a man?

Where is the difference between a serious hobby and pathology? After all, it is very easy to confuse a strong feeling of love with addiction. A feeling of a state of mild madness, obsessive thoughts about the object of your feelings, a euphoric, elevated state of mind in the presence of a lover, a desire to be with him as often as possible - all these “symptoms” are, in principle, characteristic of the feeling of intense love.

1. A sharp decrease in interest in all other areas of life. This is a sign of any addiction - you concentrate on one source of positive emotions and energy, and artificially diminish the importance of others. For example, you are sure that nothing makes you as happy as the presence of your loved one nearby. Think about the absurdity of such a belief, as the first evidence of some deviation from the norm.

2. You panic when you think about it. Even if you don't feel satisfied or loved in a relationship, the thought of breaking up with this man plunges you into real horror.

3. Increased level aggression towards those people who think that you are not very good couple. You consider the man on whom you have become psychologically dependent to be an ideal companion for yourself, you are confident in his perfection and do not want to hear anything about the fact that you may be mistaken about him.

4. You easily find excuses for a man’s actions that cause you pain. Never gets in touch first because he's too busy. He does not sympathize with you and your problems, because he is very courageous. , because he is independent and internally free. And so on ad infinitum. He is ideal, and you are a nonentity who does not deserve his love (I’m exaggerating, of course).

5. Excessive absorption in the object of your passion also indicates excessive emotional dependence, which you should gradually get rid of. You are ready to do everything and even more to satisfy all his whims; you are ready to easily refuse about your needs and feelings.

6. You are characterized by strong mood swings - you are tossed from side to side on the emotional swing of your feelings. For example, after a telephone conversation with a man on whom you are dependent, you experience excitement and a surge of strength that instantly disappears as soon as he does something that you think is wrong.

If you fall out of the feeling of merging with the object of addiction, then you immediately find yourself in a psychological state bordering on depression. And with all this, at the same time you experience a deep sense of guilt for this, a bunch of fears and anger at yourself, him and the whole world.

7. You experience such a desire to never part with your lover, which psychologists call “pathological fusion.” On the one hand, you are terribly afraid of intimacy with your partner, afraid of losing yourself and the possibility of completely dissolving in him. On the other hand, you want to completely merge with him forever and ever, and you worry about the insufficient depth of the connection between you.

8. A bunch of life problems that you are completely unable to cope with. A sure sign being in a dependent relationship is a moment when everything in other areas has suddenly gone downhill. Do you get rid of friends who encourage you to think, spoil relationships with your family, conflict with colleagues? Maybe you should start getting rid of your love addiction?

Psychologist's advice

Have you discovered almost all the “symptoms”? Don't rush into despair. Psychologists consider the described reactions to be more or less (within normal limits) common at the first stage of a relationship, at the moment of intense love for a man. You should think about the question “How to get rid of addiction to a man” if these states and reactions last long time, worsen over the years, becoming a source of emotional problems for you.

How does a woman who has fallen into psychological dependence on a man behave?

The behavior patterns that women who tend to become dependent on a man are prone to are approximately the same. The love sphere for them is complex and scary, like a dark forest. They are afraid of never finding love, while I associate this concept only with relationships with a man, excluding its versatility. Painfully focused on the topic of relationships between men and women.

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At the same time, they fall in love with lightning speed and tend to focus on positive qualities the object of love and ignore the negative ones. They seem to be psychologically stuck on the first impression of a man, and are completely unable to objectively evaluate his further actions.

The fear of losing a relationship is so strong that they are ready to tolerate almost any attitude toward themselves. And they envelop a man with their love so much that a normal, adequate person runs away, frightened by such importunity.

No matter how the man to whom you assume your love addiction behaves with you - carefully or carelessly, like a knight or like the last scoundrel. You simply need to think about how to get rid of addiction that is harmful to you and your relationships. Because dependent relationships, according to psychologists, doom both of you to a life of problems and mutual suffering.

Reasons for a woman's love addiction to a man?

I will not dwell in detail on the reasons why a dependent love state arises in a woman. This will take a lot of time and still will not allow you to fully understand your situation - this most often requires the help of a qualified psychologist.

I will list only the most basic ones. Maybe you will be able to at least understand the general direction from which dependence on a man stems in your case. At the root of all causes there is usually some critical, root cause. Which turned out to be so difficult for you that a certain malfunction occurred in your mental structure, now pushing you into dependence as you find yourself in similar situations (experiencing similar emotions against their background)

1. Difficult relationships with one or both parents, negative family scenario. There are a million options - a tough, cold mother, a distorted, incorrectly built relationship with her father, alcoholism of one of the parents and its influence on the life of the family in which the girl grew up. You need to deal with all this individually and under the guidance of an experienced psychologist.

2. Difficulties with building personal boundaries. Inability to feel them and protect them competently. Hence the desire for complete intimacy with a partner, combined with the inability to hear and satisfy one’s own desires.

3. Inability to competently and realistically evaluate the actions of others (primarily men)

4. Tendency to perfectionism, the need to divide into polar boundaries - black - white, right - wrong, bad - good. No halftone or tint options. Categorical character and attitude towards oneself and other people

5. A serious traumatic event in the past - family tragedy, violence, severe unexperienced loss. The fear of losing something dear to a person’s heart makes a woman stick tightly to a man.

How to get rid of love addiction - practical recommendations from psychologists

So, after you realize that you are in a strong psychological and emotional dependence on a man, it’s time to make a decision and get rid of it. And the main thing you have to start with is to recognize your addiction and the seriousness of this problem.

Dependent relationships need to end. Because they don't make you happy. Because they bring chaos into your life, draining your strength and the strength of your partner. And the longer you remain dependent on a man, the more difficult it will be for you to cope with your problem and enter into a healthy relationship.

Combating pathological love addiction is one of the most problematic areas psychological work. Because they give rise to it and the past addict. Solving such psychological difficulties on your own is almost impossible. I will give some simple recommendations that will help you, if not get out of an addictive relationship, then at least feel better in it.

Journaling

Try keeping a diary where you describe your condition in detail. Mood swings. Emotional outbursts and depression. It is also useful to write down questions that arise in your mind regarding the dependency object. Usually in those suffering psychological dependence there are a lot of them (what does he feel? What will he do if I... etc.), and the answers to some do not calm you down, but give rise to the next.

Keep a diary like this until you get tired. It will help you realize the unstable state your nervous system is in. And that you are not moving anywhere in it, you are fixated on your partner and have poor control over this state.

Personal and bodily boundaries

Reconnecting with your body also helps a lot in dealing with addiction. Physical and spiritual practices, yoga, meditation - choose something suitable for yourself and use it for internal relaxation and restoration of self-confidence.

As for personal boundaries, it is necessary to work through the deposits of accumulated emotional garbage, work with the ability to accept and express your emotions, primarily negative ones. Plus, you will learn to recognize your needs, listen and hear yourself and your body. Defend your interests, follow your desires.

Get involved in something other than a love relationship

Shift your focus. Find a job that you enjoy, in which you can improve and. Do what you like - this applies to both work and hobbies. Make yourself happy, give yourself pleasure. Start treating yourself the way you treat the man you are dependent on. And you will feel the strength to cope with this difficult life situation.

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Emotional addiction from a relationship with another person can be redirected from one partner to another. They say, “Wedges are knocked out with wedges,” in my opinion, this is about dependent relationships. There is an idea that in order to quickly forget one partner, you need to meet another. From my observations, this really works; you can forget about your partner and get carried away by someone else. But what’s sad is that emotional dependence doesn’t go away.

Emotional dependence is dependence on a relationship with another person. Emotional dependence can be very difficult to recognize, as its presence is often confused with strong love feelings. Culture intensively plays up the images of those who loved and died on the same day, or those who suffered in the name of true love, and thereby elevates psychological deviation to the rank of the norm. In science, a person who cannot live without another person is called a child (or disabled person). However, in the eyes of most of the globe, the experience of one person who cannot live without another is called love. I have repeatedly heard the phrases: “If I didn’t love, I wouldn’t worry so much” or “I suffer because I love.” Suffering, the inability to be oneself or to be happy without another, sometimes completely abstract “person who would love me” or “a person who would be next to me,” are inextricably linked with love. Many people live in unsatisfactory, destructive relationships, believing that this is how it should be - “so that strong feelings and it’s impossible to be without each other for a long time” - and not understanding that it could be different.

healthy, harmonious personality capable of creating relationships with many other individuals. This is due to the fact that “a person’s central motivation is the internal need to achieve rich, complex and passionate relationships with himself, parents, peers, community, animals, nature, the environment and the spiritual world” (L. Marcher, Danish psychotherapist). A self-sufficient person is This is not the one who does not experience emotional experiences and the need to form close relationships with other people. This is the one who is not destroyed by them, who does not make another person the guarantee of his happiness or unhappiness.

Signs of emotional dependence:

1. Happiness is possible only if there is a relationship and another person who loves or who is nearby;

2. Love and friendship are impossible without complete dissolution in each other, without completely surrendering life to the disposal of another person;

3. Relationships become destructive, accompanied by intense jealousy, numerous severe conflicts, a constant threat of rupture, but it does not reach a real, final rupture;

4. Relationships are difficult, without relationships it is impossible;

5. The absence of a relationship, an object of love/attachment, or the thought of absence causes severe pain, fear, depression, apathy, despair;

6. It is impossible to break off a relationship on your own: “Until he leaves me on his own, we will not be able to part.”

Relationships in which there is emotional dependence are always very tense, conflictual, difficult relationships. This is due to the fact that if one person is so significant for another person that all of his “good”, all of his well-being, all of his happiness depends on him, then all of his “bad”, all of his misfortunes also depend entirely on the other person . There is no need to delude yourself on this score. Love coupled with emotional dependence is always associated with hatred in the end, since the hunger of an emotionally dependent person cannot be satisfied.

Another feeling that always accompanies dependent relationships is resentment. Resentment is a feeling of victimhood, a feeling that is born when a person cannot express his primary feelings - anger and pain and adequately respond to another person causing him pain.

The development of a tendency toward emotional (and any other) dependence occurs during infancy, from one month to one and a half years. During this period, the child develops an idea of ​​how his interaction with the outside world works (and will work in the future). He forms an idea about whether the world (at that time in the person of mom and dad) hears him or not, whether it satisfies his needs for security, nutrition, bodily comfort, communication, acceptance, love or does not satisfy, and if it does, then to what extent, how completely. Developmental disorders in this period give rise to a person’s feeling of “hunger” for relationships, for love, for affection, for emotional and physical intimacy. Such a person is in constant search for an “ideal parent”, a person who would compensate him for what he once did not receive: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, reading his needs without saying them out loud, immediate satisfaction of his needs - and would satisfy him with your love. Of course, it is impossible to obtain it in this form. There is only one period in life when our needs can be satisfied in this way. in an ideal way- this is childhood. Not being able to receive this from another person creates intense anger, pain and despair. And again, the hope that someday someone will love us so much that he will understand perfectly everything we want and do it for us, will be with us all the time and will always be within reach of contact.

Dealing with emotional addiction

1. Working with emotional dependence consists of constantly separating yourself from the object of dependence, from constantly turning to yourself with questions: “what? I I want that to me do you need?", "Does the other person want it or do I want it?", "What exactly do I need?", "How do I understand whether I am getting something or not getting it?", "By what signs will I understand that I am loved and do they accept? An emotionally dependent person needs to learn to distinguish between his feelings and the feelings of another person, his own and other people's needs. It is important to understand that you and your object are not the same thing, you cannot and should not necessarily experience the same feelings or have the same desires. This type of relationship is needed between mother and child, so that the mother understands and satisfies the needs of the baby until he can talk about them himself. But for adults, this type of relationship is a dead end; it does not provide the development that occurs when differences come into contact. Work with emotional dependence should be constantly aimed at distinguishing oneself from another person: “Here I am, and here he is. Here we are similar, and here we are different. I can have my feelings, my desires, and he can have his, and this is not a threat to our intimacy. We don’t have to give up relationships, contacts, in order to satisfy our various desires.”

2. Important point- this is recognizing your own needs and desires and finding ways to satisfy them outside of your partner. Receiving love and support is not only possible from one person. How more sources receiving them, the less burden falls on the partner. How more people is independent in meeting his needs, the less he depends on another person.

3. It is important to remember that the source of love and acceptance can be not only external, but also internal. The more such sources you find, the less you will depend on the people around you and their acceptance or rejection of you. Look for what nourishes, supports, inspires and develops you. These can be spiritual values, interests, hobbies, hobbies, one’s own qualities and personal characteristics, as well as one’s own body, feelings, and sensations.

4. Notice moments when you are loved and supported, even if these are small signs of attention. Say to yourself that at this moment you are seen, heard, accepted. And be sure to turn to the body and physical sensations, since the period of formation of a tendency to addiction is infancy, the period of dominance of the body and its needs. It is through physical contact with the mother and other loved ones, through nutrition and bodily comfort, that the child understands that he is loved and is the first to learn to recognize his bodily needs. At the moment when you receive love and support from others, turn your attention to the body, notice how the body reacts to it, where and how in the body you feel that you are loved, what those sensations are. Remember them and turn to them at the moment when you need it, without involving other people.

5. Learn to face the fact that other people cannot be with you all the time, cannot recognize without words what you want or do not want, cannot express their love all the time. Each person has his own rhythm of intimacy and alienation, activity and peace, communication and solitude, giving and receiving. Having their own rhythm, and periodically leaving close contact, they do not stop loving you less and do not become bad. The most prosperous child faces loving family(not to mention the world around him) with the fact that not all his needs can be satisfied, or satisfied immediately, or in the form in which he wants. This is truly impossible. You can regret this, be sad, but it is not at all necessary to be destroyed by it.

6. Imagine what would happen if you lost your external source of emotional well-being - a partner (friend, group of friends or like-minded people). It will probably be painful, unbearable, bitter, scary, difficult. Try to get through it. It's not easy, but it's your experience, your life. Rely on the resources that I talked about in points 3 and 4. Remember the period when this person was not yet in your life. You lived without him, although perhaps it was difficult for you. Nevertheless, life went on as usual.

7. What is the most beautiful thing about your relationship with another person (or maybe in a relationship with another person)? Describe this in as much detail as possible. What do you need most from him? Describe this feeling or ideal state. Remember it or recreate it. Try to feel it with your whole body. Where in your body does it originate? Remember this place and these feelings. Stay in this state for some time. Then think about other ways you can get it in your life.

Addiction is an attempt to live off someone else's resources (or substances). The best cure for addiction is to live your life.

(c) Elena Sultanova, consultant psychologist, trauma therapist, trainer
Source

Respect for one's own and others' boundaries, one's own and others' interests and needs is a feature of such relationships. Mature love says: “I will do everything in My Power to Help You Optimally Realize Your Abilities, Even If It Means That Sometimes You Have To Be Away From Me And Do Things Without Me.” In a mature relationship, there is always a lot of space to satisfy your own needs, to achieve your own goals and individual personal growth.

True love is not possessive love, it respects and admires the partner, and does not use him to satisfy his needs. In dependent relationships, the partner is perceived as property. True love brings a feeling of satisfaction and a sense of harmony in life. There is little anxiety or hostility in her. In dependent relationships there is no feeling of satisfaction and harmony, there is a lot of dissatisfaction and suppressed anger, there are many complaints against each other.

Truly loving people are independent of each other, autonomous, not jealous, but at the same time they strive to help another person in self-realization, are proud of his victories, are generous and caring. Mature love says: “I Can Live Without You, but I Love You and That’s why I Want to Be Close to You.” Addicted people are united with each other, each of them does not have a separate psychological territory. They are jealous, they are possessive, they cannot live without each other - their connection is forced.

For true love, the ability to give without asking for anything in return is an expression of strength and abundance. Giving mature man receives pleasure, and this in itself is compensation for his emotional, physical and material costs. A person who is inclined to create dependent relationships is oriented towards love - transaction, love - exploitation. He cannot give without asking for anything in return, and having given, he feels used, empty, deceived.

Personal responsibility is an integral part of mature love. In dependent relationships, either one’s responsibility is transferred to the partner, or there is hyper-responsibility.

From all of the above it follows that love is a relationship between mature, psychologically adult and independent people. Every person, no matter what his childhood was like, by working on himself, can overcome his tendency to dependency and learn to love.

Dependent relationships in friendship. What is Emotional Addiction?

Long before Mary and Sarah entered into a homosexual relationship, they were already involved in an emotionally dependent relationship. Emotional dependence, by our definition, is:
a state in which the constant presence and/or care of another is considered necessary to provide a sense of personal security.

Caring is shown in various forms the contact of one person's life with another:

• attention,
• hearing,
• Delight,
• advice and guidance (consulting),
• affirmation (encouragement),
• time spent together.

Emotionally dependent relationships may seem harmless or even completely healthy at first, but they can also lead to collapse and more. strong addiction than most people can imagine. Whether or not a physical relationship also exists, sin is already present when a friendship develops into emotional dependence. To highlight the differences between normal codependency found in healthy relationships and unhealthy dependency, we will look at the factors that lead to dependent relationships: how and why they arise and how they develop.

Basic Characteristics of Dependency Relationships

Each of us has a need for close friendships, placed in us by God. How do we know whether the ways we are trying to satisfy this need are justified and acceptable? Is there any way to determine when we have crossed the line between us and addiction? Here are some signs of emotional addiction:

When one (or both) participants:

• often experience jealousy, possessiveness, and a desire for exclusive possession, perceiving other people as a threat to existing relationships
• prefer to spend time alone with each other and feel dissatisfied if this does not happen
• experiences unreasonable/irrational anger or depression when a friend pulls away slightly
• loses interest in everyone else friendly relations except these
• experiences romantic or sexual feelings leading to fantasies about that person
• preoccupied with thoughts and concerns about the appearance, personality, problems and interests of the partner
• disinclined to plan anything (long or short term) without the participation of another
• unable to really see the other's flaws, becomes defensive if someone asks about their relationship
• shows his feelings (including through physical contact) more strongly than is acceptable for friendship
• often mentions another in conversation, feels free to speak “for” another or on his behalf
• Shows closeness and intimacy towards a partner that makes others feel awkward and embarrassed.

When you are in a dependent relationship, you are facing your partner and your back is to yourself. Your personal life is now far from being in the first place for you; the life of your chosen one is much more important. So turn 180 degrees and look at your own life. Dependency is when a partner gives you something that you do not give to yourself. It’s as if there’s an emptiness in your soul, and your partner fills this emptiness with his presence. This emptiness is self-dislike. Start today to fill that hole with love. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write a list of what your chosen one gives you. Maybe joy? Feeling needed? Or, for example, care? Gives you a feeling of trepidation in your soul?

Try to write a long list and then look at each item and think about the last time you gave it to yourself. Yesterday? Or maybe never? Starting today, start giving yourself everything you didn’t give before.
Remember: respect, love, interest, care are mutual feelings. Only those who respect themselves are respected. They take care of those who take care of themselves. They show sincere interest in those who are interesting to themselves. They love only those who love themselves. Healthy Relationships are built on those feelings that each of the partners already knows how to give to themselves. Start respecting, loving, caring for yourself, and taking an interest in yourself.

From now on, do with yourself everything that you previously could only get from your partner. Articles about increasing confidence and self-love will help you with this. And don't forget to download my book How to Love Yourself. In it, I collected the most effective and working techniques with the help of which I once learned to love myself, raised my self-esteem and increased my self-confidence. This book will help you get rid of addiction and become a free, whole and happy person.

Install deep emotional connection with another person is possible only by gaining psychological autonomy. This relationship is characterized by a feeling of joy. The motivation for entering into such a relationship is love. A deep feeling for a partner, cooperation and trust distinguishes such relationships.

Respect for one’s own and others’ boundaries, one’s own and others’ interests and needs is a feature of such relationships. Mature love says, “I will do everything in my power to help you maximize your abilities, even if that means sometimes you have to be away from me and do things without me.” In a mature relationship, there is always a lot of space left to satisfy your own needs, to achieve your own goals and individual personal growth.
True love is not possessive love, it respects and admires the partner, and does not use him to satisfy his needs. In dependent relationships, the partner is perceived as property. True love brings a feeling of satisfaction and a sense of harmony in life. There is little anxiety or hostility in her. In dependent relationships there is no feeling of satisfaction and harmony, there is a lot of dissatisfaction and suppressed anger, and there are many complaints against each other.

Truly loving people are independent of each other, autonomous, not jealous, but at the same time they strive to help another person in self-realization, are proud of his victories, are generous and caring. Mature love says: “I can live without you, but I love you and that’s why I want to be near you.” Addicted people are united with each other, each of them does not have a separate psychological territory. They are jealous, they are possessive, they cannot live without each other - their connection is forced.

For true love, the ability to give without asking for anything in return is an expression of strength and abundance. By giving, a mature person receives pleasure, and this in itself is compensation for his emotional, physical and material costs. A person who tends to create dependent relationships is oriented towards love-transaction, love-exploitation. He cannot give without asking for anything in return, and having given, he feels used, empty, deceived.
A mature, adult person knows his partner and realistically evaluates his qualities. But at the same time, she appreciates him for who he is, and helps him grow and open up personally, helps for his own sake, and not for the sake of him serving him. The addict does not have a realistic idea of ​​his partner. He cannot accept his partner as he is, he strives to educate him and remake him for himself.

A mature person respects his partner, his psychological territory, his psychological boundaries. Love is born in freedom and cannot exist in captivity. When freedom is encroached upon, it begins to disappear. In dependent relationships, psychological boundaries are violated, there is no respect for the partner and his psychological territory. The sprouts of love, if there were any, fade.
Personal responsibility is an integral part of mature love. In dependent relationships, either one’s responsibility is transferred to the partner, or there is hyper-responsibility.

A mature person strives for a relationship in which both partners have the opportunity to fully reveal their individuality and live in love with each other. A spiritually mature person takes another person's personal growth and development as seriously as they take their own. He is ready and able to agree with others and be his support, without renouncing his individuality and without allowing himself to be harmed.
From all of the above it follows that love is a relationship between mature, psychologically adult and independent people. Every person, no matter what his childhood was like, by working on himself, can overcome his tendency to dependency and learn to love.

Dependent relationships, how to fix them. How to get out of an addictive relationship

• To correct this state of affairs, you will have to be patient. Changing your own attitudes and habitual behavior is not easy, it will take time, but, as they say, there would be a desire. And you need to start by admitting that you constantly find yourself in dependent relationships because you suffer from a lack of self-love and do not know how to love yourself, much less, make up for the lack of this feeling on your own.
• Without accepting the problem and the fact that you need help, nothing will work. Since the problem lies within you, and not in the outside world, you can also fix it exclusively within yourself, and without trying to change men.
• Moreover, attempts to solve a problem at the expense of another lead to the fact that you direct all your resentment and anger not at the one who is to blame for starting this flywheel of problems with low self-esteem and lack of love, but at the one who carelessly did something that simply reminded you of the negativity that once befell you as a child from your parents.
• Realize, finally, and accept it as a given, like the sunrise and gravity, that you are worthy of love simply because you are you and it is you who can give it to yourself. No one else, not parents, not a beloved man, not children, not friends, not society. You and no one else. Because you know better than anyone how you want it.

Dependent relationships are always a destructive situation for both in a couple.
What to do and who will help solve the problem?

A dependent relationship is a situation in which both partners are unhappy, but neither can leave. Everyone stays for their own reasons. Dependency in a relationship is a constant focus on another person. It begins to seem that he is the best, the most ideal and you will never find anyone like him again. These strong feelings are often called love, although this is exactly how addiction manifests itself.
Roles in dependent relationships
Each participant in a dependent relationship has their own role. The first is the one who loves less. He may have some positive feelings for his partner, but more often he does not. The second one is the one who has become dependent, the one who he believes loves more. And although it is about the second that it is said “became dependent,” it cannot be said that the first is not in it. Dependent relationships are ropes with which both are tied to each other and both suffer.
When does the problem appear? Most often - from the first minutes of the relationship. The main problem is that one of the partners (and sometimes both) evaluate themselves through the prism of the relationship. That is, his positive assessment of his own personality is not built on its own, but on the fact that he is loved. If they are not liked, the rating automatically becomes negative. This is what makes a person cling to a relationship: without love from a partner, he feels like nothing and tries to return it as much as possible, adapting to requirements, enduring things that are unpleasant for himself, and doing much more.
Signs of a “sick” relationship
Dependent relationships have many signs, but there are some basic ones:
1. The partner shifts responsibility for his condition to another. If the other does not meet the requirements, the partner tells him that he is to blame for all the troubles. And he sincerely thinks so.
2. One of the partners is treated like a child. Instead of building relationships on equal terms, the couple accepts a game in which one is a child (small, defenseless), and the second is an adult who takes care of him (strong, powerful). At first this may seem like a rather cute game, but over time the adult turns into a tyrant, and the child into a victim.
3. Couples do not discuss their feelings. Any conversation boils down to a scandal; as a result, both partners cease not only to express, but to realize their feelings. Therefore, from time to time quarrels and scandals occur out of nowhere, because the accumulated energy needs to be released somewhere.
4. Isolation of one in a pair. One of the partners completely devotes his life to the other, without imagining any other behavior.
It is almost impossible to work with dependent relationships on your own. This is especially true for an addicted partner, since he simply does not realize the full depth of the problem. And the one on whom they depend is also not always ready to end the game of love, because the other one may behave inappropriately. A very common reaction of an addicted person to being abandoned is to attempt suicide. Not everyone is ready to live with such a burden, even if it fails.
There is a solution to the problem: work with a specialist. A psychologist who understands the processes occurring in an addicted couple can not only help her get out of the situation, but also build relationships in such a way as to alleviate the condition of both partners during therapy.

Video Dependent relationships. How to get out of an addictive relationship

Dependent relationships psychology. Dependent relationships: exhausting running in circles.

Dependent relationships were, are and will be, since so far babies are born to very living mothers and the duet model of relationships is laid down from birth. The question is to what extent the child will be able to overcome this phase of codependency and gain, as an adult, the inner freedom to remain himself when someone else is nearby.

A trivial case is a woman who has been married since she was 19 years old. Two children. Starting from the second year of marriage, the husband is a “bastard”. Now she is 40. She is still married! Somewhere, about ten years ago, she began having adultery. Well, the lover also “could have behaved differently,” but it’s love, and it’s impossible to separate. She lives in the “unbreakable” hope that both husband and lover will eventually come to their senses and finally understand that “she is the best”! From time to time, both partners “feed” her with vague hints about her special role and importance in their lives. But, as a rule, they are dissatisfied with her here and there, and indignation at her “wrong” behavior (in fact, just some of her desires) increases year by year. Thus, she cannot get off the treadmill: what if she will someday be able to satisfy them once and for all?! Moreover, in her inner space the idea of ​​“who is right and who is wrong” is constantly changing: now she is a husband, now she is a lover. In the same way, her role in relationships changes endlessly: either she is a victim, or (when she is offended and does not speak) she is a tyrant. And so the model of classic addictive behavior unfolds ad infinitum. Such an exhausting model of life, however, occurs not only in love couples, but also in friendly duets, with parents, children, and bosses. However, unfortunately, it does not occur to most people that the boring status quo can be changed, that it is possible to get out of the vicious circle. Even fewer come to therapy. But it is quite possible to make your life easier, and subsequently not pass on the “defective” model of behavior to your children. I would even dare to suggest that in this way, with slow steps, society as a whole would be able to reach a very real democracy, in which the level of responsibility for one’s own behavior and life should be quite high. And this is precisely what addicted people have trouble with.

How to recognize whether you are addicted or not?

Firstly, a dependent person, as I already said, cannot directly express some of his feelings and desires to his partner, since this can cause disapproval, anger and even outbursts of rage in the partner. And the state of conflict or some kind of “disagreement” is unbearable for the addict. In his mental reality, such things can cause acute anxiety; the fear of losing a relationship or being a “bad” person in it increases instantly and simply paralyzes the person. Accordingly, the addict experiences real restrictions in his behavior.

In addition, a dependent person periodically experiences an obsessive need to act in a certain certain way, so that everything with the partner remains the same, “as always.” Even if, for example, a woman went to work, picked up her child from school, went shopping, and she really no longer has the strength to cook dinner, she, exhausted from fatigue, will still go to the stove, where an inner fear obsessively drives her, what if the husband will not receive dinner, he will be angry and will consider her a “bad” wife, woman, etc. And if the addict feels that “something is wrong”, that the partner somehow looked at him wrong, then the addict’s whole life practically goes to hell. Until the relationship stabilizes and the old “paradise” returns, the addict will be excluded from other relationships, work, entertainment, etc. Moreover, the second half in this couple clearly knows what the first half is hooked on. And if something goes wrong, he simply begins to “tyrannize” the dependent partner. That is, there are clear messages that the partner is categorically forbidden to do, feel, or desire something, otherwise the relationship will be in jeopardy. And then the dependent person cannot cope with his overwhelming anxiety other than by again performing actions “pleasing” to his partner.

And here I want to emphasize the most important difference psyche of a dependent person. The fact is that an addicted person often does not realize his anxiety about losing the relationship or disappointing his partner. Moreover, he blames his partner for his uncomfortable internal state and does not consider his anxiety “abnormal.” And he doesn’t understand that he needs help. Such people come to therapy in best case scenario in order to “correct another” who behaves wrong, for some reason does not understand how cruel, sadistic, etc. he is. A dependent person cannot understand that what he allows to be done to himself is, in First of all, it is his responsibility and no one else’s. It is he who allows himself to be treated this way out of fear that he will be rejected, devalued, abandoned... Such people, and this is another characterological feature, have very poorly developed self-support, self-respect, self-confidence, and personal significance.

How can you help yourself?

However, realizing that you are addicted, unfortunately, does not lead to real changes in life. The “trick” is that in the psyche there must be a change in attitude towards oneself and the world around, and this can only be done through contact with others, in in this case, with a therapist. A friend or girlfriend will not be able to help, since the dependent person turns to them for support in order to attract an ally to their side, and thereby automatically “pushes” them into the role of “rescuer”. The “rescuer,” at the same time, immediately takes full responsibility for the addict’s life. He MUST save!!! But the addict will be cured only when he realizes and feels through the experience of interaction that only he himself must change, change his behavior. And that the circumstances preventing him from doing this are surmountable. Through discomfort, sadness, inconvenience and anger, but surmountable! For the sake of freedom and something better in this life... At the same time, it is not at all a fact that the relationship with your partner will be severed: it is simply quite possible to build contact with him on other terms! And this, by the way, can give a new charge to your relationship.