This is the bitter word “Divorce”. Psychological work with children experiencing parental divorce. Diagnostic technology aimed at identifying problems in organizing the upbringing of a child after a divorce. What does the baby think about divorce?

In civil proceedings, a certain place is occupied by processes related to the protection of non-property rights of children and parents. If the persons participating in the trial (a judge, a specialist from the guardianship department, who is necessarily involved if a child is involved in the litigation) do not have sufficient knowledge to analyze the available information, they have the right to involve an expert psychologist. We are talking about conducting a forensic psychological examination in order to provide the court with information about the psychological components conflict situation necessary for a comprehensive consideration of the dispute. The contents of these disputes are:

• determining the child’s place of residence (for example, which parent will the child live with after a divorce or with whom will the child be left in difficult situation– with a parent or grandparent);
• determining the order of communication between the child and his parents (in case of resistance from one of the parents, infringement of the other’s rights to raise and care for the child);
• deprivation of parental rights, restriction of parental rights;
• cancellation of child custody, cancellation of adoption.

Modern professional publications discuss complex forensic psychological-psychiatric examination (CSPE). Along with it, it is often carried out judicial psychological examination (SPE), the implementation of which is entrusted either to expert psychologists who are employees of forensic institutions of the Ministry of Justice of Russia, or to educational psychologists who are specialists in educational institutions. The purpose of expert activity is to obtain information that allows one to assess the risks that may develop under various circumstances and conditions in a child’s life.

It should be noted that the disputes listed above may in one way or another be in the field of view not only of the judicial authorities, but also of the department of guardianship and trusteeship of minors. In the first case, we are talking about the procedural form of resolving the dispute, in the second – about the non-procedural, pre-trial form. Psychologists can be involved in both cases, but the status and regulation of their activities in these cases have important differences.

The following questions may be raised for consideration by the psychologist:

• individual psychological characteristics of the child, characteristics of his emotional state, the presence and nature of anxiety, etc.;
• features of the parental position;
• features of child-parent relationships: the relationship of each parent to the child, the child’s relationship to the parents as a couple, to each individual;
• the child’s relationships with other family members and the social environment;
• content of the conflict between parents.

A predictive assessment is important for both the judge and the guardianship department specialist, as it provides the basis for making a decision that will be optimal over time. Based on many years of experience in analyzing the risks of living or meeting a child with a specific parent, the most common situations can be identified and systematized.

Establishing an order of communication is initiated in cases where:

• at ex-spouses unfinished relationships, they conflict, thereby maintaining contacts. Litigation or appealing to the guardianship department regarding a child is one of the ways to maintain a relationship, manipulate your ex-spouse, and keep him close to you (the center of the conflict is marital relations);
• there is an acute conflict, rejection of the personality of the ex-spouse, the inability to communicate constructively, and jointly resolve issues related to the upbringing and education of the child. In order to reduce the need to see each other, discuss, negotiate, parents establish a procedure for communicating with the child (at the center of the conflict is marital relations);
• both parents are attached to the child, express a desire to communicate with him, take care of him, but after the divorce they cannot build a new system of contacts or adapt to the new life situation(at the center of the conflict is the parents’ attachment to their common child);
• the desire to limit and regulate the spontaneity and spontaneity of contacts between a separately living parent and a child, which negatively affects his emotional development and condition (the center of the conflict is concern for the child’s condition);
• the desire to remove obstacles to communication with the child caused by the other parent;

Determining the child’s place of residence becomes relevant when:

• the child began to live after the divorce (or even before the divorce) with one parent without the consent of the other parent;
• Parents after a divorce are in a situation of conflict and dispute about the child, everyone wants the child to live with him, believes that he can take better care of him;
• the situation is a consequence of the other parent’s claims for alimony, the other’s resistance or his counter-desire to receive alimony;
• there are objective and subjective complaints about Negative influence on the child by the other parent.

Deprivation or restriction of parental rights:

• lack of any contact with the separated parent, his participation in raising the child and financial assistance;
• there are conflicting or broken contacts between parents, there are obstacles to organizing events in life together the child and the parent with whom he lives, for example, taking the child abroad (if the other parent does not give such permission);
• conflictual relationships between parents, high dissatisfaction with the marriage, the desire to “cross out” the ex-spouse from life, to start new life without him, without regard to his rights;
• perception of the biological parent as an obstacle in organizing the life of the new family of the parent with whom the child lives (for example, the mother wants the child to have only one father - her current husband, so that the biological father does not interfere with building a relationship between the new husband and her child from her first marriage ).

In connection with the appointment of guardianship and the abolition of guardianship, disputes occur between the parent and the grandparent. For example:

• Grandparents do not trust their child, that is, the grandson’s parent, with care and upbringing. This is due to their own disappointment with their child and the desire to justify themselves, to establish themselves as successful parents. The grandparents want to get closer to their grandson because they have not developed a close relationship with the child;
• Due to certain life circumstances, the grandparents are appointed guardians and raise the grandson for a long time. After normalization of the parental position (improved health, socialization), the parent wants to live with the child and raise him, but the grandparents prevent this for reasons that are not always objective.

Often the desire to care for a grandchild is a defining component of a lifestyle, a value that makes life meaningful. Then the parents turn the child against the parent, accustom him to himself, and overprotect him.

In some cases, parents seek help about their children, but not because of the children. Their ulterior motives may vary, but they often boil down to:

• to the division of joint property in the process family life(material property and children);
• unfinished relationships with a former spouse, the desire to maintain contacts, even in the form of contacting the guardianship department or litigation;
• unsatisfactory relationships in marriage, resentment, as a result, the desire to humiliate, inflict moral pain on the other parent, and “win” yourself, receiving satisfaction from humiliating the other;
• justifying oneself, one’s life position, actions;
• the desire to return the departed spouse, to influence him through litigation or through the admonitions of specialists from the guardianship authority.

Identification of typical situations allows us to understand how they will develop and how this will affect the child. For example, recently there has been a significant increase in cases where fathers seize their child from his mother, which, at first glance, may cause confusion due to the discrepancy with the gender and cultural stereotype.

It is convenient to consider the specificity of forensic expert activity in comparison with another type of psychological research, very similar in object of study, namely, psychological research at the request of the department of guardianship and trusteeship .

The procedural (the work of a forensic expert working as determined by the court) and non-procedural forms of research (the work of a specialist not acting within the framework of the Civil Procedure Code, but fulfilling a request from the PLO) have a number of significant differences.

Externally, the examination and research (issues to be resolved, research algorithm) are very similar. Work plan.

1. Receive a written request.
2. Invitation of parties (by telephone or by mail).
3. Diagnostic conversations separately with each adult client.
4. Diagnosis of a child.
5. Gathering additional information (familiarity with the contents of the civil case, conversation with a PLO specialist, etc.).
6. Analysis of the collected data, formulation of answers and drawing up a conclusion.
7. Transfer of the conclusion to the authority from which the request was made.

However, there are many differences both in the purposes of the study and in the capabilities of the psychologist. The key difference is this. The implementation of the application of the guardianship and trusteeship department is essentially a psychological study that involves providing assistance to clients (the child and his legal representatives). Forensic psychological examination is an activity aimed at establishing the circumstances to be proven in a specific case. Expert activity is strictly regulated by the Civil Procedure Code (CPC) and Federal law No. 73 of May 31, 2001 “On state forensic activities in the Russian Federation” (Federal Law No. 73).

Let us consider the differences between procedural and non-procedural forms of using psychological knowledge.

Trigger mechanism

To conduct a psychological study, a written application is required from the head of the educational institution addressed to the head of the institution where the educational psychologist works, or an oral request. If the POO intends to officially use the research data (consider it as a basis for amicable resolution of the dispute, address it to the board of trustees), then the application must be official. A formal request differs from other operational forms, such as referring a family to a psychologist for consultation.

The basis for the production of a PPA is a judicial ruling. This is stated in Art. 79 of the Code of Civil Procedure “Purpose of examination” and Art. 80 of the Code of Civil Procedure “Content of the court ruling on the appointment of an examination.”

It follows from this that the FTE cannot be carried out upon the request of one of the parties to the litigation directly to the psychologist.

Subject of execution

Who can be entrusted with this work?

In the first case, the research is carried out, as a rule, by psychologists from the Ministry of Justice or municipal psychological centers. Typically, the research is carried out by those psychologists with whom OOP specialists have established connections.

In the second case, we have instructions in Federal Law No. 73 and the Civil Procedure Code.

In Article 1 of Federal Law No. 73 “State Forensic Expert Activities” the wording is as follows: “ State forensic activity is carried out in the process of legal proceedings by state forensic institutions and state forensic experts...”

Article 79 of the Code of Civil Procedure “Purpose of examination” states that “The examination may be entrusted to a forensic institution, a specific expert or several experts.”

In addition, in Art. 41 Federal Law No. 73 clarifies that “In accordance with the norms of procedural law Russian Federation forensic examination may be carried out outside state forensic institutions by persons with special knowledge in the field of science, technology, art or craft, but who are not state forensic experts.”, that is, performing an examination can be assigned to any psychologist with appropriate qualifications.

Initiator of the examination

A psychological study can be initiated by a specialist from a special education center who monitors the observance of children’s rights and works with a specific family.

The POC can be initiated at the request of either of the two parties involved in the litigation (can be done through a legal representative), as well as at the initiative of the court, the PLO. The appointment of an expert examination occurs when preparing a case for trial or directly during it.

Deadlines

An application for research can be forwarded to the executing agency or specialist on the same day that it is drawn up (including transmitted through the clients themselves). The timing of the study for the OOP can be agreed upon either orally or in the application. General terms completion of work - from a week to one month.

A court ruling can be appealed within 10 days from the date of the court decision. After this period, it is sent to an expert institution. A court ruling can also be drawn up with the note “not subject to appeal.” In this case, it is immediately sent to the address where the examination is carried out. The general time frame for completing the work is up to one month.

The determination may indicate by what time it is necessary to provide the results of the examination, and also note that the case is suspended during the period of its conduct. This is due to the appointment of court hearings and the dynamics of the trial process.

If the examination is entrusted to a specific institution, a psychologist-expert is appointed as the head, and the deadline for completing the examination is determined.

Responsibility of a psychologist

A psychologist who carries out a psychological study at the request of the PLO reports to the POO, specifically to the specialist in charge of the case.

The expert, through a forensic expert report, reports directly to the judge presiding over the case. According to Art. 16 Federal Law No. 73, the expert does not have the right to transfer information about the results of the examination to third parties, which means he does not consult parents, does not familiarize them with the contents of the conclusion, or makes recommendations. Parents can get advice from a psychologist only after the end of the trial, by applying privately.

The expert psychologist is warned of criminal liability under Art. 307 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation for giving a knowingly false conclusion.

In both non-procedural and procedural forms, the conclusions of a psychological expert can be evidence in a civil case.

Rights and responsibilities of a psychologist

In the non-procedural form of research, the educational psychologist acts within the framework of his job functionality and the ethical principles and rules of work of a psychologist.

An expert has specific rights and responsibilities. They are regulated in the following documents: Art. 85 Code of Civil Procedure “Responsibilities and Rights of an Expert”, Art. 16 Federal Law No. 73 “Obligations of an expert”, Art. 17 Federal Law No. 73 “Rights of an expert”.

The expert’s responsibilities include “accepting the forensic examination entrusted to him by his head,” “conducting a full study of the objects and case materials presented to him, giving a well-founded and objective conclusion on the questions posed to him,” “not disclosing information that has become known to him in connection with with the conduct of forensic examination”, “to ensure the safety of the presented research objects and case materials”.

At the same time, the expert cannot “independently collect materials for forensic examination and destroy research objects or significantly change their properties.” Protocols of observations and conversations, children's drawings, results of diagnostic techniques should be stored in the archive.

I would especially like to highlight that the expert does not have the right “to inform anyone about the results of a forensic examination, with the exception of the body or person who appointed it, to enter into personal contacts with the participants in the process if this calls into question his disinterest in the outcome of the case, and also to carry out forensic activity as a non-state expert.”

The expert has the right “to apply for the involvement of other experts in the forensic examination, if this is necessary to conduct research and give an opinion”, “has the right to familiarize himself with the case materials, to ask the court to provide him with additional materials and documents for research; ask questions to persons participating in the case and witnesses at the court hearing.”

Questions for a psychologist

Here are some options for questions that can be posed to a psychologist. Questions are formulated by judges (in the ruling) and PLO specialists (in the application or orally). The purpose of studying the situation is to assess the risks of the negative impact of the mental state, individual psychological characteristics of each parent on mental condition, features of the child’s mental development.

In both cases, the following issues may be submitted for resolution.

• What is the attitude of the minor to his parents together and to each of them separately, to which of the parents is the child attached to a greater degree than is characterized?
• Which parent has the greatest authority and influence for the child?
• Which option for a child living with his parents will cause the least damage to the child’s psyche?
• A break with which parent can be the cause of the most severe psychological trauma for a child?
• What objective conflicts exist between the child’s parents? What is the child’s perception of these conflicts?
• What is the child's anxiety level?
• What is the child’s attitude towards other family members (grandparents and other relatives)?

At the beginning, adult participants in the conflict are invited to conduct psychological research and expert procedures. Everyone is invited at a different time so that there is no accidental meeting without children. You must bring your passport to the meeting to establish your identity.

The purpose of the first meeting is to collect general information, get to know the clients and the content of the conflict, get a general idea of ​​the situation. Testing is also carried out at the first meeting, but another time may be scheduled for this. If the appointment is made by telephone, it is advisable to discuss a brief plan at this stage so that the client can have the necessary amount of time.

1. Getting to know each other. Collecting general information

• about the parent (full name, age, education, place of work, marital status, presence of other children,...),
• about the child (age, educational level, group/class, additional classes, etc.

Next, you need to clarify the situation, starting with the content of the conflict. When a client comes to a meeting with a psychologist, you can contact him with the following instructions: “Now you have the opportunity to express your point of view, describe your position in your litigation. As a specialist (expert), I need to form an objective idea of ​​what is happening. And to do this, you need to understand the opinion of each side.” A common situation is when clients begin the story with the moments that cause them the greatest tension, which means they indirectly or directly talk about the real sides of the conflict, motives, and goals.

2. History of the conflict

• What preceded this situation?
• What is the state of affairs today?
• What goals does the client pursue?
• How does he see the conflict resolved?
• How will events unfold if you achieve your goal?
• How will events unfold if I lose?
• Analysis of the client's expectations and fears regarding the conflict situation.

Clients often talk about conflict as it develops over time, beginning with marriage or even earlier. Such a story allows us to understand the nature of the relationship between the child’s parents (parent and grandparent) in his development, in connection with life events, relationships with people around him. In this case, the psychologist’s questions may be clarifying in nature and indirect.

After a picture of events has been drawn up, chronological details have been clarified, information about the child is collected. This block is very important, and not only for obtaining information about the child. An idea is formed of how much the client generally knows his child, how involved he is in his life. It happens that parental “castles in the air” are broken precisely by such simple questions.

3. Child development history

• Features of development. Success in preschool educational institutions, school performance;
• The child’s condition before the start of the conflict situation, during it, today?
• Relationship between child and parent (legal representative): nature, frequency, degree of intimacy?
• Participation of the other party (parent, grandparent) in the care, upbringing, education of the child?
• The child’s attitude towards his parents as a married couple and towards each individual?
• The child’s relationships with other people around him, peers?
• Interaction educational institutions, public institutions (guardianship department, children's clinic, etc.).

The study of parents is not limited to a diagnostic conversation. Usually at the first meeting, sometimes at a separate meeting, the parental position is assessed using standardized techniques.

4. Diagnosis of the parent/legal representative

• The nature of the parent's attitude towards the child.
• Parenting style, parental attitudes.
• Features of the psycho-emotional state of the parent.
• The nature of knowledge and ideas about the upbringing, development of a child, his individual characteristics.
• The true motives of behavior, the goals pursued.
• Features of the conflict between the parties.

It is imperative that at the first meeting the client is informed about what further work will be required and what may take place.

5. The content of further work is discussed

• Diagnostics of the child (it is necessary to agree on which parent, accompanied by the child, will come for diagnostics, if this is not already indicated in the application or court ruling);
• Preparation of a report to the appropriate authority (clients can get acquainted with the report in the PIO/court; participants in a legal conflict have the right to make a copy for themselves).
• The presence or absence of the right to receive consultation based on diagnostic results.

The activities of an expert are limited only to examination, the results of which are submitted to the court (Article 85, paragraph 2 of the Code of Civil Procedure “ An expert does not have the right ... to inform anyone about the results of the examination, with the exception of the court that appointed it"). An expert is a diagnostician and analyst.

In the non-procedural form of the study, the specialist diagnoses, advises, and accompanies the family. In this regard, there are moments of an ethical nature: on the one hand, he must give an assessment, on the other, he sees an opportunity to change this situation. The complexity of this role lies in the fact that if a psychologist is consulting a family, that is, establishing a relationship with a client, it is difficult for him to remain at the level of statement. Clients referred to a psychologist from the PLO have the right to receive consultation based on the diagnostic results (after the conclusion is complete); the right to receive help from a psychologist.

Diagnostic examination of a child

According to this criterion, there are no differences in conducting psychological research and forensic psychological examination. A specially prepared room is selected for examining the child. Diagnosing a child involves initially establishing contact with him, using diagnostic tools appropriate age characteristics children, keeping protocols, collecting productive and creative activity, if necessary, photographing children's works.

However, Art. 84 of the Code of Civil Procedure “Procedure for conducting an examination” contains special instructions: clause 2. “ The examination is carried out in court or outside the hearing, if necessary due to the nature of the research..." That is, the expert psychologist, if necessary, must explain why the examination is not carried out in the courthouse, but involves a number of procedures in a special institution. Further, paragraph 3. “ Persons participating in the case have the right to be present during the examination, except in cases where such presence may interfere with the research.”. The examination of the child takes place without the presence of the parents, and this may cause resistance from the child’s legal representative. Just as in the previous case, it is necessary to tactfully but convincingly explain the mechanism of the influence of the presence of third parties on the child, and therefore the possible distortion of the examination results.

Diagnostic tools

To examine a child, psychodiagnostic techniques should be selected to assess:

• individual psychological characteristics of the child,
• individual needs and values,
• psycho-emotional state,
• features of the child’s perception of intrafamily relationships, interpersonal relationships,
• peculiarities of relationships to specific people and to oneself,
• studying the possibility of adaptation and resistance to the effects of stressful situations.

Working with a child

• Projective technique “Free drawing” (diagnosis of current needs and values).
• Projective methodology “Non-existent animal” (study of the individual psychological characteristics of a child, author M.Z. Dukarevich).
• Projective technique “Family Drawing” (diagnosis of a child’s perception of intrafamily relationships, author G.T. Khomentauskas).
• Projective methodology “Man in the Rain” (studying the possibility of adaptation and resistance to the effects of stressful situations, authors E. Romanova and T. Sytko).
• Projective technique “Incomplete sentences” (modification of the Sachs-Levy test).
• Luscher test (diagnosis of states and intrapersonal conflicts).
• Color relationship test (author Etkind).
• Methodology “Metamorphoses” (study of the child’s “self-image”, attitude towards significant adults, author J. Royer).
• Methodology “Mail” (diagnosis of a child’s attitude towards family members. Modification by A.G. Leaders and I.V. Anisimova).
• Koos Methodology, “Human Drawing” Methodology (study of general intellectual status).

Additionally for children of primary preschool age

• Projective tasks in the sandbox.

At first glance, one might assume that structured methods that give a clear result are more appropriate. However, a large percentage is made up of projective techniques, since they allow one to study the emotional and personal sphere of children under 10 years of age. It is recommended to use a combination different types techniques.

In addition, it is necessary to study the child’s intelligence.

A particular problem is the study of children of primary preschool age. It is necessary to use methods developed in child psychology for assessing mental development.

Working with parents

• Questionnaire “Measuring Parental Attitudes and Reactions” (studying the general characteristics of parenting, authors E.S. Schaefer, R.K. Bell)
• Questionnaire “Analysis of family relationships” (diagnosis of the type of family upbringing and the nature of its violations, author E.G. Eidemiller )
• Questionnaire “Parent-Child Interaction” (author I.M. Markovskaya)

In addition to written and printed versions, it is appropriate to use automated computer systems.

When producing a PED, it is also mandatory to use the method of psychological analysis of civil case materials.

Psychologist's report

The structure and content of the conclusion must correspond to the request. Information to the guardianship department does not always need to be submitted in writing. There have been numerous cases when the very process of interaction with a psychologist during a study at the request of the guardianship department helped parents understand the causes of conflicts, make the necessary changes in their parental attitudes and behavior, and normalize the situation. In these cases, the conclusion as a written document with which PLO specialists would do further work loses its relevance. If a psychologist gives a conclusion in writing, it must correspond to the request, that is, contain answers to the questions posed.

In the case of preparing a conclusion based on the results of a forensic psychological examination, one must remember the strict regulation of the written form and structure of this document. The structure of the conclusion is regulated by Art. 86 Civil Procedure Code “Expert Conclusion” and Art. 25 Federal Law No. 73 “Opinion of an expert or commission of experts and its contents.”

Activities beyond the scope of the survey

After sending the report to the appropriate authority, the psychologist’s work can be completed.

When interacting with the educational institution, the psychologist can be invited to the board of trustees to analyze a conflict situation related to the observance of the rights of the child, and also be involved in further psychological support of the child and his legal representatives: the development of recommendations for optimizing the child-adult relationship, the organization of correctional and developmental work. Study participants from PLOs can independently contact a psychologist after the end of their relationship with PLOs, or they can receive this as recommendations.

An expert may be summoned to court to personally participate in a court hearing for questioning, during which he must answer questions related to the research conducted and the conclusion he gave. This obligation of the expert may not be fulfilled if the content of the conclusion is sufficient to further resolve the controversial issue on the merits. According to Art. 17 Federal Law No. 73, the expert can “to do things that are subject to entry into the protocol of an investigative action or court session statements regarding misinterpretation by participants in the trial of his conclusion or testimony».

Expert psychological activity presupposes that a specialist has appropriate qualifications, experience, knowledge of ethical principles and the boundaries of competence. A predictive assessment of possible risks in the development of a situation makes expert research an area of ​​special professional responsibility.

WORK OF A TEACHER-PSYCHOLOGIST WITH A CHILD AND FAMILY DURING DIVORCE:

To study the psycho-emotional state, characteristics of the personal sphere and family preferences, a diagnostic program of two blocks

1 block: techniques aimed at identifying the psycho-emotional state and personal characteristics of children who find themselves in a situation of parental divorce.

1.1. M. Luscher color test.

Purpose: diagnosis of neuropsychic state, identification of intrapersonal conflicts.

1.2. “Non-existent animal” M. Z. Drukarevich.

Goal: identifying personality traits.

1.3. “Character Ladder” Dembo - Rubinstein.

Purpose: study of the level of self-esteem.

2 block: techniques aimed at identifying family preferences:

2.1. Kinetic drawing of a family Burns R. S., Kaufman S. H.

Purpose: to study the characteristics of a child’s perception of family relationships.

2.2. M. Etkind's color relationship test.

Purpose: to study the emotional components of a person’s relationship with people significant to him and reflecting both the conscious and unconscious levels of these relationships.

2.3. Projective game “Mail” (modification of the test by E. Anthony and E. Binet).

Purpose: to study the emotional well-being of a child in the family.

Stages of working with a child and his family.
1.Initial consultation:

- getting to know the parent, finding out the reason for the request (request) for consultation (without the presence of the child);

Getting to know the child, establishing contact;

Diagnosis of the psycho-emotional state and personal characteristics of the child (the initial stage of the examination is possible in the presence of a parent). Note: this diagnosis can be carried out at the second stage of working with the child, if preliminary stage– getting to know each other and establishing contact took a lot of time. However, drawing techniques, in addition to their diagnostic purpose, help establish contact with the child and arouse interest in interaction.

2. Diagnostics of identifying family relationships and preferences of family members by a child in the form of an individual lesson with him.At this stage of work, the presence of a parent is undesirable in order to avoid influence on the child when performing diagnostic tasks, especially since contact with the child has already been established at the previous stage of work and anxiety about the situation of a lesson with a psychologist has been relieved to a certain extent.

3. Consultation with the parent based on the results of the child’s diagnostic examination. At this stage of work, the psychologist acquaints the parent with the results of the child’s examination, identifies the identified problems, discusses the family situation and its impact on the child with the parent, and gives recommendations for overcoming the identified problems.

The results of a study of the psycho-emotional characteristics of children who experienced divorce in a conflict and “prosperous” version, and a comparison of these characteristics show that in a “prosperous” divorce, when parents, despite their complicated relationships, did not forget about the presence of the child in their life and took care of him psychological state, children are healthier and personally preserved. Psycho-emotional state and personal characteristics children who find themselves involved in parental conflict differ high level tension, anxiety, these children often have behavioral disorders in the form of aggressive reactions, as well as the presence of neurotic reactions and bad habits.

Thus, we can conclude that the consequences of divorce for a child will be less traumatic if parents take into account all the circumstances that affect mental development child in a similar situation.

Divorce causes large quantity problems that former spouses will have to solve: living, raising and maintaining common children. One of the parents is deprived of the opportunity to live with the children, but is allowed to see each other and take part in further upbringing. Even if everything happened without offense or serious quarrels, resentment remains. How will the children left between mom and dad behave?

How can parents communicate with their child?

Parents are obliged to understand their relationship with the baby, think through their behavior in such a way as to at least slightly mitigate the stress he receives. All efforts should be directed to minimize trauma to children. The behavior of divorced parents directly depends on several reasons:

• child's age;
• family relationships before divorce.

Both parents should spend the same amount of time with the child as before. You should constantly explain to him the fact that the love of dad and mom has not diminished. The child quickly understands the feeling of parental guilt after divorcing his parents, his psychology changes, he begins to take advantage of the created situation.

If the situation gets out of control, you should immediately contact a psychologist.

What does the baby think about divorce?

Children react to their parents' divorce differently depending on their gender. Girls, due to their more stable position in life, try to hide their own experiences. A reaction to the separation of mom and dad can be unexpected depression or severe irritability. The child strives for everything possible ways attract the attention of both parents, receive confirmation from them of parental love.

Boys, on the contrary, do their best to provoke quarrels with their parents, their aggressiveness gradually increases, taking various forms:

• broken toys;
• silence;
• run away from home.

To avoid such problems, parents need to carefully discuss the current situation with their children, explain to them all the questions that have arisen and help them adapt to this problem.

When to tell about your new husband or wife?

A child can be saved from possible stress by the proper attitude of the parent living with him and other adults: grandparents and other relatives. The behavior of the adult generation, which clearly demonstrates respect for both parents, will help the child maintain respect for them. If you start new family The parent with whom the child lives decided that they should show restraint and not rush to announce a new dad or mom.

It is necessary to gradually achieve friendly relations between children and their future relatives. It is easier to do this if the child is under 5 years old. Children at any age sense false attitudes.

At the same time, they are drawn to those who treat them with sincerity and genuine kindness. The new family must surround the child with love and real care.

How not to raise a manipulator?

Children after their parents' divorce very quickly understand the advantages of the current situation and begin to manipulate their parents, demanding privileges for themselves. To prevent this from happening, there should be a serious discussion this problem and develop a unified tactic:

• what to allow;
• what not to allow;
• what well;
• what is wrong.

If the parents do not come to a consensus on issues of contradictions, the common child will grow into a person who will be able to manipulate other people for his own purposes.

If controversial situations arise, it is necessary to conduct negotiations in which all members of the former family will take part.

You should not punish a child for showing his dissatisfaction with the current situation; you need to talk to him, get him to understand that dad and mom still love him.

You need to talk to your children more often, listening to their opinions without discussion, without imposing your own.

You can distract children with sports games, send them to sports section, come up with hikes or just walk more often. A passion for fine arts gives good results. You can invite your child to draw his family and ask about what is depicted. But you should not impose your own opinion on him.

Conclusion

After a divorce, mom and dad live separately; in both cases, sooner or later new families are formed. And there may be more children in these families. We must remember that parents are still parents. But at the same time, for peace and comfort in the new family, you should treat the baby from your first marriage as your own, with love and tenderness.

Video: How does a child feel after his parents’ divorce?

It is necessary to raise children from both marriages equally, constantly reminding them that they are relatives and should be friends. Under no circumstances should children be divided into our own and those of others. If new families manage to reach a consensus, discard personal quirks and false pride, the children will definitely be happy.

Do no harm! Parental actions that increase the child's negative feelings.

A child in a family triangle is the most unprotected link during a divorce. Quarrels in the presence of a child, open showdowns, dragging him into a conflict (“you’re just like your dad...”, “all like your mother...”, “let your mother/father... do that. .."), venting their feelings (discontent, aggression) on her - such behavior on the part of parents intensifies the negative experiences of children to deep depressive manifestations with thoughts of death.
In the struggle between spouses after a divorce, a child often becomes a bone of contention, which is not so easy to separate. It can become a “bargaining chip”: in exchange for meetings with the child, one of the parents tries to get something for themselves (documents for property, alimony, freedom, etc.). In this case, the schedule for meetings with the child is violated or not followed at all, and the child is subjected to blackmail, intimidation, and pressure.

Also, a child may experience an attachment conflict not only with parents, but also with other family members: grandparents, aunts, uncles, godfathers, cousins and sisters. All of them may be in a state of war among themselves, the main prize in which is the child’s opinion about who is right and who is wrong during the divorce. It is important that among these many clans there is at least someone who can support the child without looking for the “truth.”

When the world you lived in begins to collapse, there must be at least one point of support so that it can be rebuilt. Here are the pillars on which you can preserve the “child’s world”:

• Children are waiting for stability. One of the conditions that will help a child overcome the stress that she experiences during a divorce is maintaining her usual routine. This is especially important for preschoolers and toddlers! Don't change it unless absolutely necessary kindergarten or school, stop attending clubs and sections. Make sure your child goes to bed on time and does his homework. Do not forgive him for inappropriate behavior or whims. Try to use discipline in a calm tone so that your child does not feel like you are taking it out on her. Order and routine strengthen a child's sense of security.

• Try to spend more time with your child than usual. The time that a child spends with dad or mom should be preserved and even, if possible, increased. The best option It will happen if mom and dad immediately after the divorce agree on a regular distribution of responsibilities in caring for the child. If dad regularly takes the child to the clinic, kindergarten, school or club, and every weekend he and the child go to the theater or museum, then the child feels: no matter that mom and dad don’t live together, they are both next to her. In this situation, it is much easier for him to cope with the separation of his parents. This is what one boy said about his situation, which finally got better after much arguing between his divorced parents: “I feel fine now because everything is fine. I communicate with both mom and dad. And I don’t expect either one or the other: I know for sure that I will see my mom on Friday, and my dad will pick me up on Monday. And so far everything is fine, I’m calm. I'm not worried about them." Clarity, predictability and certainty are what help both adults and children survive even severe stress.

• Protect your child's ears and eyes from your attitude to the situation and to your husband. Children need both parents. You cannot force a child to choose one and reject the other. The child will certainly feel your desire to turn her against the other parent. Of course, it is difficult to resist criticizing your incapable half, but you should not involve a child in this; solving adult problems is the business of adults, not children! A child is a continuation of both mom and dad; she associates part of herself with dad, and part with mom. When one parent criticizes or scolds the other, the child may feel inferior, mediocrity, or worthless.

• Don’t shy away from your child’s questions: answer them calmly and neutrally, briefly and without privy to details (for example, will dad live with us? - No, dad will now live in another apartment, but that doesn’t mean that you WILL NOT be his see. you will be able to see him on such and such days, but if you want, you can always call him or come to visit).

• It's nobody's fault. When telling your child about the divorce, say that it was your common decision, that no one is to blame for this, it happens. Or do you regret this relationship? - No, because they had not only bad moments, but also a lot of good ones; The joyful and bright event of this period is the birth of her child. If it’s hard for you to tell your child all this, then you are the one who needs the help of a psychologist first! Don't make the situation worse and don't bring your emotions to the peak!

• Dispel the child's fears that he will be left alone or without the attention of his other parent. Children are frightened by the unknown, so having a clear picture of what will happen after the scary event of “divorce” will help make it less frightening and ease the emotional response.

• Little witness. If the child already understands this and has repeatedly witnessed conflicts between mom and dad, he already knows nothing about this situation and interprets it. Try to find out what exactly he thinks, what he is afraid of, and what questions he needs to answer. Talk to him about it. It’s better to start the conversation with a child’s question, for example, when he asks: “Will dad leave us?” Answer: Are you worried about this? Take a break. Next, you can state the situation as you see it. The simpler and shorter, the better, for example, “Dad and I decided to live separately, but he will remain your dad forever, he will come to us, even if he does not live with us. And I will always be your mother and will be with you.” The child needs to maintain and strengthen a sense of security, she must believe: everything will be fine, and, despite the fact that dad will come rarely, he is still there! The fact that a father leaves his family is like an incorrigible thing for a child. And this is grief. And any grief must be “burned out”, adapted to new conditions and moved on.

• With whom should the child share his experiences? Children, often protecting their parents, or vice versa, being angry with them, try to hide their feelings. The child needs someone with whom he can discuss his feelings. This could be a grandmother or grandfather, any person whom the child trusts and who will be impartial about what is happening and will not turn the child against one of the parents or try to convey to her “the whole truth.” If this is not possible, consult a psychologist. If your child does not agree, go yourself, go with her. Denying the existence of a problem does not solve it. Warning signs the child’s behavior is as follows: the child protests, hides her feelings or, on the contrary, expresses them clearly, she is quiet, lethargic and unnoticeable. All these are reasons to consult a psychologist.

• For older children, among other things, peer support may be important; do not limit them in this. Active social life It will help take your mind off unpleasant thoughts, increase self-esteem and prevent you from withdrawing into yourself, but keep in mind that this path may not be suitable for all children.

If, after all your efforts, the child still gets angry, cries or blames you, do not be upset, but do not make excuses. Allow your child to experience such feelings - they are natural, say that you are sorry and would like this not to happen to her, the child, but it just happened.

Truce: no longer spouses, but, as before, parents!

In most situations, trust suffers more during divorce. In the eyes of another, the ex-spouse often appears selfish, evil and dangerous person. And if this is so, then what kind of loving mother, or what kind of loving father would give their beloved child to a “tyrant” or “witch”? It is trust that has been undermined and the desire to restore justice that pushes the spouses into battles. However, in these battles there is no winner, there is only the illusion of victory. First of all, you need to defeat yourself and your destructive thoughts. To restore peace and move on with your life, you need to take a step forward. This step may include joint responsibility for the divorce. Sharing responsibility and being able to communicate after experiencing pain and anger will help your children regain peace and overcome their own pain. A world where mom and dad are not enemies becomes whole again.

Below are the criteria healthy relationships after a divorce, which will help not only evaluate how much you managed to establish your life in a new way, but also see the areas in which you still need to work. Check the boxes next to the items you agree with. There will be peace in your heart and soul when you can agree on all five points. If you are still struggling, seek professional help.

Does a child need a dad if he leaves the family?

When a baby appears in the family, he is surrounded by the care of his mother and grandmother. At the same time, dad seems to be relegated to the background.

It is often more difficult for a father to communicate with infant, who is still completely helpless. Moreover, modern dads often spend a lot of time at work. However, the presence of both parents is important for raising a child.

This is due to certain psychological needs of the child.

The baby is defenseless in front of the outside world, this is often the cause of neuroses. Having a father increases his status among his peers. Children often brag about their father's profession, his strength, and generally the fact that he exists. How more love the baby will receive from his father, the friendlier he will be towards people.

There is an opinion that children strive for absolute freedom and at the same time do not know how to handle it. This is not true, in fact they need caring a loved one, who could limit this freedom and take responsibility for himself.

Children constantly have a need for models of masculine and feminine behavior. If this is not the case, then you will soon notice that the child is afraid of other children who have an example of behavior before their eyes.

Divorce of parents does not always deprive a father of the opportunity to communicate with his son or daughter. It even happens that, being at a distance, the father evaluates his feelings differently and, when meeting the child, gives him even more emotional warmth and friendly participation.

Advice for father.

It is necessary to plan a meeting with the child in advance, to show maximum interest in his feelings and affairs.

It is very important not to spoil children by indulging any whims. The issue should be resolved immediately pocket expenses.

If you have new family, then demonstrate warm relations visiting your spouse with children is unacceptable.

If the father begins to visit the baby very rarely, then it makes sense to exclude visits. The fact is that the child loves his dad in his own way and needs a stable relationship with him.

If a father forgets about arranged meetings with his child or doesn’t even wish him a happy birthday, the child will think that dad doesn’t love him anymore. The baby will begin to blame himself for this, this will greatly hurt the child and can cause psychological deviation.

Children and parents' divorce: how to behave correctly for spouses

• spouses do not “share” children, each of them wants to communicate with children and does this as much as he wants;
• there is mutual respect: each spouse, when communicating with children and other relatives, is ready to speak well of the other (“I’m good, dad is good, but we weren’t right for each other”);
• each spouse willingly recalls pleasant moments of past marital relationships;
• each of the former spouses takes part of the responsibility for what did not work out, giving part of it to the other;
• each of them feels that he could start a new family

With this test, you can determine what exactly your marriage is more like - a dark dead end or a simple friendly coexistence. Perhaps it is time for you to study the Civil Code regarding how divorce occurs, or perhaps at this point it will be enough to simply contact a family psychologist.

Do not forget that there are no perfect marriages, but in some situations such situations are created when it is not too late to address your mistakes and return closeness and mutual understanding to the family. Using our test, you can understand how strong your relationship is, but in order to ultimately really get reliable result, always try to answer only sincerely and honestly, and not try to pass off what you want as reality. This test invites you to imagine yourself in several situations in which you may have never even been, but you need to clearly imagine that this is happening to you at the moment, and understand how you would act in a similar situation. Try to choose the behavior that is closest to what you or your spouse would do.

Take an online divorce test

1. Do you think that for some time now your work has been taking you more and more?

2. Do quarrels and disputes often arise in your family regarding raising children?

3. Don’t you think that you are using sedatives more often?

4. Do your partner’s constant complaints about poor sleep, appetite, well-being, and so on irritate you?

5. Do you feel uncomfortable when you definitely have nothing to say to each other?

6. Do you think it is possible to combine intense and fruitful work with ease of communication in the family?

7. Do you agree that the equality of women and men is a wild invention of feminist suffragists?

8. Don’t you think that the institution of family and marriage presupposes that exclusively the female half is fully loaded with household chores and only part-time work is done by the male half?

9. Do you prefer to watch TV in the evening, during dinner?

10. Are you firmly convinced that your partner mindlessly spoils the child and indulges him in everything?

11. Don’t you think that the family climate means as much to you as success in the service?

12. Have you lost the charm and sense of novelty? sexual relations with a partner?

13. Are you sure that there should be no conflicts in a good family?

14. Don’t you think that after every quarrel the gap between you becomes deeper?

15. Is there a miracle recipe for family happiness?

16. Do you agree with the statement that love is a constant struggle?

17. Are you convinced that you put your soul into your marital relationship and do everything in your power to make it even stronger?

18. Would you consult a psychologist if you notice that for some time now you have been moving further and further away from each other?

19. Do you agree that marriage is the ability not only to speak, but also to listen?

20. Do you agree that it is better to get a divorce in time than to drag out a tedious coexistence under the same roof with an unloved person?

21. Do you agree that it is better for spouses to spend at least a month a year apart?

22. Do you easily entrust the management of your family’s financial affairs to your partner?

23. If the child goes for a walk and you are left at home alone, how often do you spend time in silence?

24. Do you enjoy laughing at a joke you have heard repeatedly in a friendly company?

25. Do sweet love games still excite you?

26. Don’t you think that your relationship is improving after a long absence of one of the spouses, for example, on a business trip?

27. Do you know how to avoid topics that are obviously uninteresting or irritate your partner?

28. Do you feel more parental than marital feelings towards your partner?

29. Your partner is more of a “wallet” and a guarantee of a certain standard of living, than a “pillow” on which you can cry to your heart’s content and relax?

30. Do you always notice and appreciate your partner’s efforts aimed at preserving the marriage?

31. Don’t you think that for some time now you have begun to pay more attention to your appearance?

32. Do you try not to remember past experiences and worries?

33. Don't you think that your wife shouldn't go to work?

39. Do you agree that there are successful marriages, but never wonderful ones?

40. Are you convinced that it is better not to try to plan anything in advance because of your partner’s carelessness?

The stability of your marriage is rated as high. You get along well with each other and your harmony in the family can only be envied. Well done, keep up the good work!

Your marriage is in crisis. This does not mean at all that you are not suitable for each other. However, you are faced with a number of important problems that require joint resolution.

The stability of your marriage is rated as very low. You have been seriously dissatisfied with your spouse for a long time and there is no trace left of the previous mutual understanding. It's time to take decisive steps.

You have an extremely high probability of divorce. You have been uncomfortable with each other for a long time. Understanding and mutual respect are not about you. By the way, why are you still together?