Enjoy yourself. Question: My husband is quite cruel to the child and to me, the situation that happened today was not pleasant, they started cutting the child’s hair (3 years old) with a clipper, and accordingly, the child always reacts by crying. The husband began to shout at him in a harsh manner and put pressure on him; he was scared, took the lazina and began to scare him, I don’t know from the outside it was harsh enough, I, in turn, took the child and in anger told my husband that he was literally evil, and subsequently received a punch in the back, we often quarrel over the child, only the child begins to whine, he’s tired of Lozina, I’m especially outraged that the man doesn’t control his actions when he hit me. I am indignant, of course I hold it in my hands, but my anger is not endless and neither is my patience. I really want to beat him if I were stronger. This is what worries me today. And the most interesting thing is that he believes that he is right, there is not even a hint to apologize.
Give me some good advice.
Katya, leave or you drive him away. Your aggressive husband.
When your child begins to behave the same way as your evil husband, do not seek protection from him.
If you want help, then come to our offices with your husband or separately. And start working on your characters!
Not a single female in nature ever gives up her weak cub to be torn to pieces male, and only stupid human ones females they simply behave inappropriately, they allow their inappropriate husbands- scare your children.
Just don’t think that this will not affect your boy’s character in any way; now he is recording this particular pattern of behavior into his subconscious as the strongest, and therefore correct.
Pull yourself together and defend yourself, kick them out and get a divorce, contact the government. organs or psychological centers, but do not hold back, do not demonstrate such behavior to your child, you are responsible for his reflection for the rest of his life!
Good luck to you with courage and happiness.
Good answer 6 Bad answer 1Anton Mikhailovich, hello! I wrote to you earlier, thank you for your answer!
Today I realized who my husband is
After reading your answer, he seemed to calm down, and we began to try to live according to compromises, but gradually everything descended to the point that he began to push me around and insult me
It seems that he went a month without actively using the computer (previously, he came home from work, chopped wood and immediately sat down at the computer, and my daughter and I only saw his back, which was terribly depressing), he sat down at the computer in the morning before work and late in the evening, after that when we put our daughter to bed
But
Nitpicking, reproaches about the imaginable and unthinkable grew stronger every day (it is especially painful to hear his reproaches that I absolutely do not raise the child, I am a bad mother, I constantly expose her to all sorts of risks, I am irresponsible, and the juvenile justice scares me). Today, for example, I lost my temper because I discovered my daughter with cotton swab in her hands, she chewed it selflessly and tried to insert it into her nose, like I do. In his opinion, I acted like the last irresponsible creature, because I put the child at great risk. What if she pierces herself with a stick? And so in everything
He sees a huge threat in everything. Which is exactly what I am creating in relation to my daughter. Yesterday he almost attacked me with his fists when I expressed an opinion different from his. Here's the gist of the conversation:
“There are 2 opinions, and one of them is wrong,” he said. I objected - everyone has their own reality, their own vision of the world, and only one opinion cannot be correct.
He suddenly started yelling that it’s schizophrenia if someone has their own reality, because there is only one reality. He started yelling at me with such wild fury, his eyes turned red, he leaned on the table in my direction, threw the plate, hit the table with his fist
I felt scared and offended, he again sang his favorite song about my schizophrenia
I started saying, stop talking about schizophrenia, stop, if I see differently, why am I immediately schizophrenic? Why is it only your opinion that is always correct, but you call me a schizophrenic for mine?
And he continued to shout that this is so, since I have my own reality...
He got furious, jumped up with the intention of hitting him, pushed him sharply, grabbing him by the shoulder...
He used to beat me in the same situations, once even kicked me
And when I remember this to him, he starts yelling that he never hit me, like if he hits me, he immediately kills me...
That is, the violence against me is just like that, about nothing... Slap a child on the bottom
Now there is no physical violence, I always fought back - I grabbed a mop, something heavy and long, so that it would hurt from afar
On the one hand, this did not save me from his beatings, but on the other hand, as a result, he also ended up beaten
Gradually he lost his ardor, and at the moment he can push sharply, but no more
Moreover, I threatened him that I would call the police, if anything happened, I wouldn’t care about his reputation in society
I called his father and asked him to talk some sense into his son (for the first time ever), described the situation, he said he would talk
My husband returned from work and boasted that he convinced his father that I was too emotional and lacked communication, so I was making up the devil
And then in the evening, at dinner, he again used his tactics of aggressive argument: he asked if I thought that gay and lesbian communities were normal? I answered in my own way - that everyone has their own vision of the world, and mine may differ from how they see it
And he accused me of not caring about the life of our child, the life of the country, that people like me, who are tolerant of the drug, are ruining the world and ethical standards, that I indulge my inaction and recognition of their choice of reality in the corruption of our child , I indulge pedophiles, murderers, because I recognize them as THEIR opinion and their reality
It was terrible! So much aggression, I ended up running away from him throughout the house, just so as not to hear everything he accused me of.
And he continued to follow me and accuse me
Madhouse!
He comes home from work, reads fears on the Internet, and then dumps information on me: here you are, what did you do today? NOTHING! And juvenile justice, thanks to people like you, stupid housewives (we have a small child, I’m on maternity leave), who don’t want to see anything beyond their noses, much less take part in the life of society, has already come into force in our state
And now at any moment they can come to you and take your child away
For any of your joints! And you are still such a kosyachnik! The floor has not been washed - your hygiene is poor - we are taking the child! The cereal is scattered (my daughter was playing with the cereal, she likes it) - the child can inhale and suffocate - it’s dangerous here - we’re taking the child! And so on, the list is endless
You need to be constantly on guard to avoid mistakes, and you are ridiculous and uncollected
And you don’t want to change (that is, follow the constant moral teachings and orders of your husband)
May yell, insult, for a lost remote control, for untidy toys
And he shouts that he doesn’t want to come home because of me, that he’s tired of my stupidity, that he has to teach me to be smart, but I don’t listen to him.
I noticed (it’s funny, of course, that it took 7 years for this) that my husband high level aggression
His mother is the same in relation to her family
An aggressive woman who is always dissatisfied with everything, I’ll say briefly - terrible horror!!! Vampire vampire! Hell of a hell!
Plus, perhaps, the formation of such an amount of aggression was influenced by a hand injury at the age of 19 - he had his finger cut off, he went through 6 operations, he says that under local anesthesia, which did not work, he had to endure hellish pain
He had never been particularly socially active, but here he also began to worry about the missing finger
In general, today I realized who my husband is - he is a domestic aggressor.
It became easier. Honestly. Because before that, a huge and suffocating yoke of GUILT hung on me. For myself, such a bad person, who tries very hard, but apparently very poorly, since my husband is always dissatisfied with me.
Now I’m thinking - what to do next? Or rather, what will happen next? Anton Mikhailovich, do such people change if the victim turns from a victim into a Buddha? After all, I will make every effort to strengthen my undermined mental condition to the level of contemplation of what is happening.
Anton Mikhailovich, I really need your expert answer. And, if possible, please tell me what I can turn to to strengthen my psyche, what sources?
Nika, Russia, 32 years old
Family psychologist's answer:
Hello Nika.
//Anton Mikhailovich, do such people change if a victim turns from a victim into a Buddha?// Few people turn into a Buddha during their lifetime. But regarding changes, I can say unequivocally: without working on oneself, CONSCIOUS WORK (I emphasize!) no one changes. A person must first admit that they have a problem. That he has no control over certain things, that he abuses his wife and that he has problems in the family about this that he is responsible for. If he comes to any competent specialist with this, perhaps something will change. Or he will start looking for something and realizing it himself - this is also possible. But without the first step, without recognizing the problem, no. Do you think an alcoholic can stop drinking if he doesn’t want to admit that he is an alcoholic? Even if you take responsibility for two people, let’s assume that if you don’t hear some of his wishes, refuse to understand his needs in some way, etc. - you still only have 50% responsibility. The remaining 50 are on it. And until he admits his share of responsibility and starts doing something about it, nothing can change. I'll send you a book about abuse at home in your inbox. After your last answer, the picture became clearer, and I think this book will help you dot the i's. But you really need to see a psychologist to seriously restore your balance. Because if you do not work through these traumas to depth, there will remain a risk that in the future you may unknowingly choose the same type of man and find yourself in a similar situation. After all, we do not choose by chance, but following certain laws of the subconscious. To put it bluntly, it was not he who gave rise to an excessive feeling of guilt in you, but the tendency that ALREADY existed in you to feel excessive guilt and “helped” you unconsciously reach out to such a man and allow the relationship to be like that. To find your specific mechanisms, to understand by what specific cause-and-effect relationships your reality was built in such a way that such relationships and such attitude towards you became possible in it - this is already the task of a specialist.
Sincerely, Anton Mikhailovich Nesvitsky.
Or not, it’s very easy: these are the representatives who often raise their hands against a woman. However, among them there are those who poison the self-esteem and life of their companion gradually and slowly. How to correctly recognize what dangerous men look like.
According to WHO data, at least one out of three women aged fifteen to forty-nine years becomes a victim of a malicious man or sexual predator. However, there are much more women who live in eternal violence and do not understand it.
You may not be touched even once, but you will be emotionally destroyed on a regular basis. Irina Chesnova (psychologist) listed ten signs of psychological violence from a close man.
Signs of a dangerous man
The man criticizes. Your views, behavior, manner of dressing, appearance and overall you. Highlights shortcomings and looks for your mistakes. Depreciates your achievements, plans, hopes, emotions. He mocks you, allows himself evil and caustic jokes, derogatory remarks, and even in the presence of strangers. Compares, destroying your personality. “You are worthless, cold, fat and in general, no one needs you like that. What are you capable of without me? The tyrant tries to find vulnerable spots for the final finishing touch. And thus causing you a feeling of imperfection and guilt.
Blames him for everything. In your own negative feelings, troubles and problems: “You don’t support and don’t understand me!” “It's all because of you! It's your fault! You are provoking!” The fact that you are coping and not trying enough, do not guess his desires and mood. Curses, calls bad words, scolds, taking out his dissatisfaction and anger on you.
Ignores your requests, desires and needs. If you say “it hurts me, I don’t like it, don’t do it,” he continues. May deny you sex or force you to have it. Your tears irritate him or don’t touch him at all.
He doesn’t want to talk to you and hides from every attempt to talk to you about the relationship: “Do you want to quarrel with me? Why are you blowing my mind?”
Punishes bad behavior, disobedience and resistance against his control. Bad behavior in this case, it may turn out to be everything that a man does not like. Punishes with silence, contempt, coldness, anger. Refuses to help financially if you depend on him. You feel constantly guilty and apologize endlessly. You have no right to question his behavior and words, demand something from him, be angry with him, be dissatisfied with him. You are obliged to satisfy his needs, fulfill his often unrealistic demands, look up to him. And we should be grateful at the same time.
He is in control. Limits social communication: you must ask him for permission to meet someone, or he will punish you. It prohibits a supportive environment - friends, parents. Often explaining such isolation by care, saying that they have a bad influence on you.
He is rude, jealous and suspicious. In relation to you and your children, and sometimes to animals. He intimidates and threatens: “If you leave me, I will break your neck.” As an argument, he uses force - he can press him against the wall, pinch, push, grab his hands, even strangle him a little. Can break furniture, throw things and bang on walls.
He has constant mood swings. Explosive, easily offended, so out of the blue he can cause a scandal.
I'm sure he's right. He justifies and rationalizes his own behavior with anything, and makes you doubt yourself: “You are a brawler. I’m normal, but you’re going crazy!” If anyone should work on himself, it’s him. A male tyrant shows his superiority, tries by all means to increase his significance, merits and dignity: “I work around the clock and earn money, and you...” I am sure that he has every right to occupy the main position and from this position to teach others, to say that they You need to change something in yourself. This is such an inverted and perverted value system: “I live as I want. Many people live like this.”
Sends manipulative, contradictory and double messages. You don't know how to react to them. There will always be a negative reaction on his part, no matter what: “I’m tired of your concern.” And after a while: “No one will even offer a pill for a headache.” He repeats: “I know better what is good for you.” He may turn everything you said inside out and deny the obvious: “You arranged everything yourself, no one insulted you, and now you blame me.”
Periodically gives hope. There is a certain cycle of violence. You live peacefully and calmly, but the tyrant has been growing tension from within all this time. Then violence occurs, or a big scandal occurs, detente sets in and the tension is released. Then the tyrant repents: “If you can forgive me, I offended you again.” And the honeymoon time comes: you have wonderful sex, the man gives a lot of help, care and kindness. You think this will always happen. But at an unexpected moment the cycle starts again.
All of the above is called psychological violence; the partner behaves this way all the time. If he even exhibits two or three of the described signs, you need to urgently be wary. Share this article on in social networks with friends in order to protect them from dangerous relationships.
In the process of professional-psychological diagnostics of future intelligence officers, it turned out that 70% of those entering the FSB Academy had a high level of sensitivity and vulnerability, which would have been impossible to determine right away: a strong-willed look with a touch of arrogance and the absence of any emotions on the face. Do they really become scouts to compensate for their femininity? I began to wonder where the roots of this internal vulnerability, covered by external arrogance and steadfastness, come from. Why do these strong and attractive men court so beautifully and confidently, but always leave women first? So, I sat down to books and scientific literature(there was no Internet then), I began to conduct consultations.
It’s not for nothing that they say that we all come from childhood: by the age of about seven years, a child already distinguishes one sex from another, and erotic pleasure, sexuality and love are all the same for him. So if he happened to experience any kind of rejection from his mother, he will perceive it as a betrayal. From this moment on, the child decides that he will control all his feelings. He doesn't let them out and doesn't let them in. He freezes.
Subsequently, it can be difficult to discover where it all started, so you can turn to those life situations that took place in school years. If a child has experienced abandonment or betrayal, have no doubt that this is a man with a tough character.
Giving in and starting to let feelings out again is an impossible task for a person with a tough character. He doesn't want to relive what happened before. Here lies the fear of the pain of rejection, of a new betrayal. And to achieve what he wants, such a person uses manipulation and other workaround maneuvers. In my opinion, it is impossible to achieve honesty and openness from him: be it business or intimate relationships.
If you understand what kind of person is next to you and accept him into your life, you also accept his rules of the game. A man with a tough character is very complex and demanding. He constantly tries to drag you into competition, demonstrates his superiority and will not tolerate it if you make him look ridiculous. To my sexual partner he feels contempt, although, of course, he hides this fact both from himself and from those around him. This is easy to notice if you listen to what a man says about women: “These creatures...”, “All of them...” and so on.
Forbidding himself to feel because he was once betrayed, the tough character associates love with pride. And if his pride is hurt (for example, he was denied sexual intimacy), he can act very cruelly in retaliation. For the same reason, he is the first to leave women. Beautifully courting, falling in love with herself and firmly believing that he enjoys being in her company... suddenly, for no apparent reason, just so as not to be abandoned himself.
However, people of this nature have a huge amount of energy; they are able to literally charge everyone around them. Developed volitional centers allow them to achieve almost everything in life and inspire other people to achieve accomplishments. So being next to such a man is indeed not without interest. But build a serious relationship with him, a relationship with an eye to family life- a difficult task and requiring real dedication.
...I don't understand what went wrong. We were so close.
“I don’t know if something was wrong in him or in me.”
“He’s really attentive to me.” He wants us to be together every second.
– My friends complain that they have completely stopped seeing me.
“The Garden of Eden” is what I call the beginning of a relationship with an abusive man. For the first few weeks, months - and even longer - a woman has her head in the clouds. Remember Kristen and Mauri we met in Chapter 1? Mauri was dazzling - funny, interesting, energetic - and Kristen was smitten. What she liked most about him was that he was crazy about her. He sought her greedily, it seemed that he liked absolutely everything about her and could not get enough of her. She felt like she was in the top 40 love songs, where “everything turned blue and green.” This pattern of events is typical in abusive relationships. An abusive man is often unusually nice at the beginning of a relationship and can make you feel very special and chosen—like you're the only one in the world who has ever meant that much to him.
But not every abusive man rushes headlong into a relationship like Mauri. Fran (see Chapter 1) was quiet and withdrawn at first, and Barbara wooed him. She was attracted to his softness and sensitivity, as well as the exciting challenge of getting him to open up. What a triumph it was when she finally achieved it! Sadness and mistrust were eating away at his heart, and she saw it, but she also saw herself - healing him, like a caring sister of mercy. She was happy in her confidence that she could bring to light the real person he was capable of becoming.
An idyllic beginning characterizes almost all abusive relationships. How else would abusive men find partners in the first place? Women are not stupid. If you go to a restaurant on a whirlwind first date and after dessert a man calls you a “selfish bitch” and throws a glass of water across the room, you wouldn’t say to him, “Hey, what about next weekend?” You definitely need a hook. Very few women hate themselves so much that they will date a man who is rude on the first date, although they may feel terrible about themselves later, when the abusive man has had time to destroy their self-esteem step by step.
The power of those wonderful first days
My clients' partners have told me about the many ways they can turn the bright start of a relationship with an abusive man into a trap for the woman. In particular:
* Like any person in love, she told everyone close to her what a wonderful guy he was. Having praised him, the woman is embarrassed to talk about his mistreatment of her, so she keeps it to herself for a long time.
* She believes that his cruelty is due to some kind of disturbance in him - what other conclusion can she come to, especially since he was so wonderful in the beginning! – so she goes off trying to figure out what happened.
* She has a hard time letting go of her own dream because she thought she had found a great man.
* She can't stop thinking that she herself did something wrong or that she has some serious personality flaw that destroyed their castle in the air, so she tries to find the problem in herself.
QUESTION 7: WHEN A RELATIONSHIP JUST BEGINS AND HE IS STILL SO NICE, DOES HE ALREADY PLAN TO BE CRUEL LATER? The question I hear most often is: when an abusive man is so charming, is he already thinking about how he will abuse her? Is he planning all this? Is he intentionally putting her on an emotional hook so he can be rude to her later? Usually not. An abusive man does not picture himself yelling at a woman, humiliating her, or throwing heavy objects at her. Falling in love, he, like a woman, dreams of family paradise.
Then what is going on in his brain? Firstly, he looks with lust at the future, where a woman satisfies all his needs, so beautiful and sexy at any time of the day or night, where she has no needs of her own, and she bows to his intelligence and charm. He longs for a woman who will serve him, who will never complain - no matter what he does - and who will darken his life with her disappointment or dissatisfaction with her own life.
The abusive man does not reveal these selfish fantasies to his new partner. Yes, in many ways he himself is not aware of them. Therefore, she has no way of knowing that he is looking for a servant rather than a partner. In fact, during dating, the abusive person typically uses the language of reciprocity:
- We are very suitable for each other.
– I want to be with you all the time.
“I’m ready to do anything for you.”
“Now you can quit your job to finish your studies, and we will live on my money.”
– I will help you prepare for the exam so that you can get this position.
He may sincerely believe in his promises because he wants to see himself as a generous and caring partner. Later, when he begins to control a woman and use her for his own purposes, he will find ways to convince himself that being generous and caring is impossible or that it is her fault that he cannot be like that. His goal is not cruelty, but control, to which he believes he has a legal right.
On the other hand, a certain number of my clients are deliberately manipulative from the very beginning. These types of people smile knowingly at me, implying that every man uses the same tricks, and say: “Of course you have to charm the ladies and listen to them talk - they like it. You have a pleasant conversation, you invite them to dance. You know how it's done." But even such people usually do not consider the possibility of using cruelty against a woman in the future. Using their charm, they create the type of relationship they want and expect to continue in the same spirit indefinitely. Abusive individuals of this type perceive manipulation as worthy remedy, but do not consider degrading remarks or physical intimidation as such. When they later start to trash the woman or instill fear in her, they will blame her for it. Thus, they may consider her a “bitch” for not allowing them to lie and manipulate her for their own purposes. And they don't consider manipulation cruelty.
An abusive man is neither a monster nor a victim.
We've finally come to two of the most important concepts regarding abusive men. Firstly:
...An abusive man is a person, not an evil monster, but he has a very complex and destructive problem that should not be underestimated.
The common stereotype that an abusive man is an evil, calculating monster makes it difficult to recognize the problem. A woman tends to think: he cares about me, and he has the good side; he has feelings, he is not a sadist - not realizing that having all these qualities does not guarantee her from abuse.
At the other end of the spectrum we find an equally common - and equally incorrect - belief: the cruel man's subtle nature is only covered with a veneer of cruelty, it can be changed by love, sympathy and understanding. One morning he will wake up and realize how harmful his behavior has been and will renounce cruelty, especially if there is love with him kind woman. This view is supported by songs, films, novels and TV series. Unfortunately, it is very difficult to bring about change in an abusive personality. The abuser has buried his compassion deep to avoid the innate rejection that a human being experiences when seeing another suffer. He must hold fast to his justifications and rationales for his actions, develop the destructive ability to isolate himself from the pain he causes, and learn to enjoy power and control over a woman. It is unrealistic to expect such a complex structure, which took 15–20 years to form, to disappear like smoke. However, women are often pressured by friends, family and professionals to “give him a chance to change” or “have a little faith in people.”
Second most important concept:
...The behavior of an abusive person is largely conscious - he acts on purpose rather than by circumstance or loss of control, but the thinking that underlies his behavior and drives his actions is largely unconscious.
An abusive man learns manipulative or controlling behavior from a young age (see Chapter 13). As an adult, he integrates manipulative behavior at such a deep level that he acts mostly automatically. He knows what he's doing, but doesn't necessarily understand why. Here's what Kelsey, the partner of one of my clients, told me:
...Lance invited me to go skiing, and I wanted to sit with my friends. I refused, and he said that I didn’t become a good skier because I didn’t do it regularly, that I didn’t want to work, that I was lazy and therefore couldn’t do anything well, and so on... It was terrible... But maybe I Am I really lazy?
Was Lance really worried about Kelsey "going down"? No. A man does not destroy his partner's self-esteem if he wants to help her. The real reason is what Lance wants for himself: he wants Kelsey to keep him company. He is outraged by her decision to do friendly relations the center of his life - a common thing for an abusive man - and he is sure that she must be close and focus only on him. He crushed her in every way to force her to go with him (and he made her doubt herself!). In the next session, when some members of the group doubted Lance's sincerity, his real motives and psychological attitudes became apparent: A large part of my work as a counselor is to help abusive men face the real reasons for choosing their own actions.
First warning signs
When women hear about how charming an abusive man can be (or experience it themselves), they are left at a complete loss. They ask, “So there is no way to escape an abusive relationship? How do I know what to expect from my boyfriend? Fortunately, most abusive men give warning signs before their abuse reaches full speed. Every girl should know these signals.
QUESTION 8: HOW DO I KNOW IF THE MAN I'M DATING IS BECOME VIOLENT? The following warning flags mean violence is on the horizon, or perhaps just around the corner:
* He speaks disrespectfully about his previous partner.
Some anger and resentment towards your ex is normal, but be wary of those who are too focused on their resentment and those who start talking about it inappropriately early on dates. Be especially alert to men who talk about women from their past in a disparaging or arrogant manner, or who identify themselves as victims of violence by women. Be wary if he says his "ex" made a false accusation of abuse: the vast majority of abuse reports are true. After hearing that another woman thinks he's abusive, find a way to get her perspective on the situation. Even if you don’t believe her, you’ll at least know what to watch out for – just in case. Also be attentive to men who admit to abuse of former partners, but insist that these were the circumstances, blame women, or cite alcohol or their own immaturity as the cause.
Be wary of men who say you're different from other women they've dated, that you're the first one to treat him well, or that other women didn't understand him. You will be tempted to redouble your efforts to prove to him that you are completely different from “others” - and you already have one foot in the trap. It won't be long before he declares that you are "just like everyone else." His system of perception ensures that no woman can be good if she is in a relationship with him.
Some men take the exact opposite approach: they elevate and glorify their past partners so that you feel like you're not their competition. If he complains that you are not as sexy, athletic, economical or successful as those who came before you, I can assure you that you will not be valued any more later, no matter how hard you try. He wants to feel superior to you so that he can always be in control.
Pay attention to whether he accepts any responsibility for what led to the collapse of the previous relationship. If everything was always the woman's fault, you will soon also be blamed for all the problems he has in your relationship.
* He disrespects you.
Disrespect is the soil on which cruelty grows. If a man humiliates you or despises your opinion, if he is rude to you in front of strangers, or speaks with sarcasm, he is demonstrating disrespect. If this behavior is repeated or if he defends it when you complain about it, control and cruelty are in your near future. Disrespect can also take the form of idealization, putting you on a pedestal as ideal woman or goddess. At the same time, you are treated like, say, an expensive porcelain vase. A man who worships you in this manner does not see you. He sees his own fantasy, and when you fail to live up to it, he can become disgusting. So, there may be little difference between a man who talks down to you and one who builds you up. Both demonstrate an inability to see you as a real person, which does not bode well.
* He does favors for you that you don't want or displays ostentatious generosity that makes you feel uncomfortable.
These could be signs that a man is trying to make you feel like you are in his debt. My client Alan, for example, spent a lot of time in the first two years of his life with Tori helping her brother fix his car, her sister renovating her apartment, and also taking her father to doctors. When Tori's family began to worry about Alan's treatment of her, he was able to convince her that her loved ones were taking advantage of him, and now that "they no longer need my help, they want me out of the way so they can have you back." . Alan managed to make Tori feel sympathy for himself and thereby drive a wedge between her and her family. For a long time Tori could not discern these manipulations.
Robert combined these two alarming signs: he told Lana that he ex-wife falsely accused him of physical abuse in order to prevent him from seeing his children. He said: “If a woman asks for supervised visits from her father, the court gives her this right automatically.” Lana's heart went out to Robert. But something made her worry. First, one day Robert called after a snowfall and offered to clear the driveway out of the garage. She replied: “No, please don’t,” because she was not sure of the seriousness of her feelings and did not want to give him hope. Returning from work that day, she saw a cleared path. Then, by coincidence, Lana's friend was divorcing her abusive husband, and Lana learned from her that the court required serious evidence of physical abuse in order to decide whether a father would provide supervision for visitation. She began to think seriously about what Robert's ex-wife might tell her.
*He is in control.
At first, you may find it extremely pleasant to be around a man who takes responsibility for making decisions. Here is a typical story from the partner of one of my clients:
...The first dates were exciting and fun. He came to me with plans for the whole evening: “We’ll go to Parker House for a drink, then we’ll have dinner at a Chinese restaurant, and then I bought tickets to a comedy club.” Everything went according to plan. At first I liked the way he planned our leisure time. But then I began to notice that he rarely pays attention to what I would like to do. We continued to go with him to places he liked to go, such as hockey. I'm not against hockey, but it's not my main interest. After a few months, he started getting irritated when I wasn't in the mood to do what he wanted.
Control usually begins unnoticed. He makes comments about your clothes or appearance(too sexy or not sexy enough). Speaks somewhat negatively about your family or one of your friends. He begins to pressure you to spend more time with him, or to quit your job, or to find a job that pays more. Begins to give too much advice about organizing your life and shows signs of impatience if you do not follow his recommendations. Or he shows concern because you do not share his tastes in everything.
* He exhibits a possessive attitude.
Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that cruelty is approaching you. Possessiveness masquerades as love. A man might say, “I'm sorry I got mad when I saw you talking to your ex-boyfriend, but I've never been so crazy about a woman before. The thought of another man next to you is unbearable.” He might call five times a day to check on you, or insist that you spend every evening with him. His feelings for you are probably really strong, but that's not why he wants constant contact. He watches over you, essentially making you his property. Depending on the type of friends he has, he may also be trying to impress them with the way he holds you. All these actions come from possessiveness, not from love.
Jealousy and jealous behavior are not the same thing. A man with internal insecurities may actually feel anxious about your interactions with other men, especially former partner, and may want reassurance from you. But if his behavior indicates an expectation that you will give up your own freedom to appease his jealousy, you are at risk of abusive control. Your life shouldn't change because of his insecurities.
Jealousy can be flattering. It's nice to feel that he is madly in love with you, that he wants you so much. But a man can go crazy about you without being jealous. A possessive attitude suggests that he loves you not as an independent person, but rather as a protected treasure. Over time, you will begin to suffocate from his boundless vigilance.
* He is never to blame for anything.
He blames something or someone for everything that goes wrong. Over time, his accusations are increasingly directed at you. Men of this type also tend to make promises that they do not keep. He constantly comes up with a stream of excuses for why he has upset you or behaved irresponsibly, and is likely to exploit you economically.
* He is self-centered.
In the first few months of a relationship, an abuser's self-absorption may not always be obvious, but there are symptoms you may notice. You should be wary if he talks more than the rules allow and chronically turns the topic of conversation onto himself. Egocentrism is very difficult to change, its roots go either to a deep-seated position of high entitlement (for abusive individuals), or to severe childhood emotional trauma (for non-abusive individuals), or both (for narcissistic abusive individuals).
* He abuses drugs or alcohol.
Be especially careful if he is pressuring you to drink alcohol or take drugs with him. Substances alone do not cause abuse, but the two often go hand in hand. He may hook you into believing that you will help him get clean and sober: alcoholics and drug addicts are always in a state of “I’m going to quit.”
* He puts pressure on you to have sex.
This is of great importance, but especially in the case of teenagers and young men. Disrespect for your desires and feelings regarding sex indicates exploitative tendencies, which are often accompanied by abuse. This is also a sign that he sees women as sexual objects rather than people. If he insists on sex as proof of your love, let him go.
*He moves on too quickly serious relationship.
Since so many men are so afraid of commitment, a woman may be relieved to find a partner who isn't afraid to talk about family. But be wary if he starts planning a future together too quickly, without giving himself time to get to know you better and become closer. This may mean that he wants to quickly pack you up and hide you in his closet. Slow things down. If he doesn't respect your wishes, you'll probably have trouble ahead.
* He bullies you when he's angry.
Bullying, when unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse is in the pipeline - or has already begun - and that it may eventually follow. physical violence. Any of the following should raise your alarm:
He gets too close to you when he's angry, puts his fingers on your face, pokes you, pushes you, blocks your path, or holds you back.
He tells you he's just "trying to get you to listen."
He raises his fist, looms over you, yells at you, or does any other action that makes you flinch or feel afraid.
He makes hints like: "Don't make me angry" or "You don't know who you're messing with."
He starts driving riskily or speeds up when he gets angry.
He hits the wall or kicks the door.
He throws things even if they don't hit you.
The closer your relationship with the bullying man, the more difficult it is to get out of it. Unfortunately, many women believe the exact opposite. They think: “Okay, sometimes he scares me a little, but I’ll wait and see: if it gets worse, I’ll leave him.” But leaving someone who has started to bully is much more difficult than many people think, and more difficult every day. Don't wait to see what happens.
*He demonstrates double standards.
Be wary of men who have a different set of rules for their behavior than for yours. Double standards - important aspect living with an abusive man (see Chapter 6).
* He treats women poorly.
At the beginning of a relationship, a man may say that he looks at you a little differently than he looks at women in general, but such a difference will not last long. If you are a woman, why would you get involved with someone who perceives a woman as a creature of a lower order, stupid, treacherous, good only for sex? He will not be able to forget for a long time that you are a woman.
Stereotypical beliefs about women's gender roles may also contribute to the risk of abuse. If he is convinced that a woman should take care of the house or that his career more important than career women, this can be a serious problem: he may put pressure on you if you refuse to live within his boundaries. Women sometimes find it difficult to find a man who has no prejudices about female role, especially in certain cultural or national groups, but efforts to find such a man have important.
* He behaves differently with you in front of strangers.
Abusive adults have a habit of putting on a show, treating their partners like gold when no one is looking, and reserving all their cruelty for moments when no one will see it. Abusive teenagers often behave in exactly the opposite way. He can be rude and cold to her in front of others to impress his friends with how "bossy" and "cool" he is, but becomes significantly softer in private.
* He is attracted to vulnerability.
One way this warning sign manifests itself is when men are attracted to women much younger than them. Why, for example, would a 22-year-old man care for a 16-year-old girl? Because she excites and provokes him? Obviously not. They are on different stages development, with a radical discrepancy between levels of knowledge and experience. He is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look at him with adoration and allow him to be a leader. He, of course, usually tells her the exact opposite: he wants to be with her because she is unusually mature and extraordinary for her age. He may even compliment her on her sexual prowess and say that she has a lot of power over him, setting up the young victim so that she will not be able to understand what is happening to her. Many abusive men are attracted to women with less life experience, less knowledge, and less self-confidence—even without a chronological age difference—who will look to the man as a teacher or mentor.
I have had many clients who are attracted to women who are vulnerable due to recent traumatic experiences in their lives. Many of these clients began by helping a woman leave a relationship with her abusive partner and then began to control and abuse her themselves. Some seek out women who have had difficult or abusive childhoods, have health problems or have suffered a bereavement, and present themselves as a savior. Be wary of men who seem to be attracted to power imbalances.
At the same time, many abusive men have no particular attraction to vulnerability or helplessness in women. They are more drawn to the strong and successful. Violent men These types feel like they have caught a big fish if they can lure an accomplished, confident woman into their net to dominate her.
...Warning Signs of Violence
– He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
- He treats you with disrespect.
– He does favors for you that you don't want, or displays ostentatious generosity that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- He controls.
– He is possessive.
- He is never to blame for anything.
- He is self-centered.
– He abuses drugs or alcohol.
- He forces you to have sex.
– He moves too quickly into a serious relationship.
- He bullies you when he's angry.
– He demonstrates double standards.
- He treats women badly.
– He behaves differently with you in front of people.
“He’s attracted to vulnerability.”
None of the warning signs listed above are a clear sign of an abusive personality, other than physical intimidation. Many non-violent men may exhibit similar behavior. What, then, should a woman do to prevent cruelty from appearing in her relationship with a man?
Although there is no panacea, the best plan seems to be this:
1. Let him know as quickly as possible what behavior or attitude is unacceptable to you, and that you cannot be with him if such behavior occurs again.
2. If it happens again, take a long break from meeting with him. Do not continue to meet with him, limiting yourself to a warning like “I’m warning you seriously this time,” otherwise he will most likely decide that you are “not serious.”
3. If this happens a third time, or if he switches to other behaviors that are also red flags, there is a very good chance he has an abuse problem. If you give him too many chances, you may regret it greatly. ( Detailed recommendations see “Leaving an Abusive Man as a Way to Promote Change” in Chapter 14).
Finally, remember that when an abusive man begins to slide into violence, he is confident that you are the one changing. This is how his perception works because he feels his actions are absolutely justified and cannot imagine that he is the problem. All he notices is that you don't seem to live up to his idea of an ideal, giving, respectful woman.
What kind of treatment can be considered cruel?
Because abuse can escalate gradually, questions arise: How do you know if your partner has become abusive? Is there a line that one should always be aware of in order to notice how he has crossed it? Unbearably much – how much is that? Since no one is perfect, how do you know the difference between an isolated bad day where you're just not in the mood, and the manifestation of a system that will develop into something more serious?
Well, yes, everyone can yell at a partner, and we all sometimes call each other names, interrupt, act selfishly or insensitively. However, such behavior is not always cruelty and does not always have the same psychological impact as cruelty. At the same time, all these actions are cruel if they are part of a system of treatment. Being yelled at by someone who respects you is unpleasant, but it does not create the same disgusting atmosphere that the screaming of an abusive man creates.
IN in this case“Cruelty” has to do with “power” and occurs when a person takes advantage of an inequality of power to exploit or control another. Wherever there is inequality of power - between men and women, adults and children, poor and rich - there will be people who will take advantage of this circumstance for their own purposes. Thus, the starting point of cruelty is the moment when a man begins to use force and power over a woman to such an extent that it causes injury to her - mental or physical - and creates a privileged status for him.
QUESTION 9: IS THE WAY HE TREATS ME ABUSE? The boundaries beyond which subtle forms of mistreatment end and cruelty begin include the following:
* He retaliates against you for raising concerns about his behavior.
Let's say your partner called you a bitch. You got angry and made it clear to him that you really don’t like this and don’t want to hear this word addressed to you under any circumstances. However, he reacts to your dissatisfaction by deliberately calling you a bitch more and more often. There may even be a special look in his eyes now when he does this because he knows it affects you. Likewise, you can make the argument, “Stop yelling at me, I hate being yelled at,” and he will respond by raising his voice even more and blaming you for it. These are signs of an abusive relationship.
Another type of repression is switching to the role of victim. Let's say you complained that he didn't let you say the words. He changes the tone of his voice to be offended and hostile, as if your complaints against him are unfair, and says with sarcasm: “Okay, I will only listen, and you will talk,” and acts as if, by expressing dissatisfaction with his behavior, you are oppressing him . This is an attempt to make you feel guilty for resisting his control, which is the beginning of abuse.
Some ridicule women when they complain of mistreatment, either openly or through mockery. This behavior eliminates any doubt that he is prone to cruelty.
Repression is not always obvious, as in the examples above. But you will notice when your partner's behavior is intended to punish you for standing up to him, even if it's only a couple of days after the incident. He is sure that you have no right to disobey him, and he is trying to hurt you so that next time you will not do this.
* In response to your protest against his mistreatment, he says that this is your own problem.
When a woman attempts to set limits on a man's controlling or insensitive behavior, he seeks to make her question her own perceptions. Therefore he says:
- You are too sensitive, don’t make a mountain out of a mountain.
– Not everyone can remain white and fluffy when they are angry, as you wanted.
– Don’t start talking to me like I’m treating you badly just because your “ex” (or your parents) treated you badly. You think everyone is cruel to you.
“You're just angry because things didn't work out your way, so you say I'm treating you badly.”
With comments like these, the abusive man is trying to convince you that: 1) you have unreasonable expectations of his behavior and should be willing to live with what he does; 2) you are reacting not to his action, but to something else that happened in your life; 3) you are trying to influence him. All of these techniques tend to discredit your complaints of mistreatment, which constitutes cruelty. Discrediting maneuvers reveal a fundamental position that he will never voice openly and may not even be aware of himself: “You have no right to be dissatisfied with the way I treat you.” And you can’t have honest and healthy relationships, if you cannot express your dissatisfaction.
* He apologizes, but his apology sounds angry or insincere, and he demands that you accept it.
Here's an example:
...Claire: I don't think you understand why I'm upset about what you did. You didn't even apologize.
Danny (angrily and loudly): Okay, okay! Sorry, IZ-VI-NI!
Claire (shaking her head): You still don't understand.
Danny: What the hell do you want?? I already apologized! Won't you rest until I'm on my knees?
Claire: Your apology means nothing to me if I see that you don't regret what you did.
Danny: What do you mean I'm not sorry?? Don't tell me how I feel, little Miss Analyst! You're not in my head.
Danny is convinced that Claire should be grateful for his apology, even if his tone conveys an attitude opposite of his words. He considers himself entitled to receive forgiveness and demands it. (He also believes that it is his prerogative to insist that she accept his version of reality, no matter how that version contradicts everything she sees and hears. In this sense, he is undoubtedly convinced of his right to control her mind .)
* He places blame on you for the impact of his behavior.
Abuse counselors say about their client: “When he sees his dirty face in the mirror in the morning, he begins to clean the mirror.” In other words, when his partner begins to show the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, he becomes upset and accuses her, and then hits her again by ridiculing her for resenting him. He even uses her emotional trauma as an excuse to treat her even worse. If, for example, his verbal attacks have led to her not wanting to have sex with him, he accuses her: “You were probably satisfied elsewhere.” If she stops trusting him, he says that it is the lack of trust that makes her consider him cruel, thereby reversing cause and effect. If she's depressed or in tears in the morning because he harshly criticized her the day before, he says, "If you're going to be so sour today, why don't you go back to bed out of sight?"
If your partner criticizes or humiliates you because you react painfully to mistreatment, this is abuse. It is also cruelty to use the effect of one's own rudeness as an excuse, as my client did when he verbally attacked his partner and then told her that her emotional distancing was causing his cruelty. He hits a man who is down - and he knows it.
* Discussing problems is always “at the wrong time” or “in the wrong manner.”
Difficult relationship issues should be discussed. It is fashionable to express your dissatisfaction with words without it sounding like an attack on your personality. But for an abusive man, no way to express dissatisfaction is appropriate.
An initial defensiveness or aversion to claims is common among nonviolent people. Sometimes you have to stop arguing and come back to it after some time. However, there is no point in postponing a conversation with a cruel person. During the time-out, he will not think about your comments - he will prepare a rebuttal to your complaint.
* It undermines your progress in life.
Obstructing your freedom and independence is cruelty. If he caused you to lose your job or drop out of school, if he ruined your desire to achieve your dreams, ruined your relationships with loved ones, if he takes advantage of you economically and causes you financial harm, or tells you that you are incompetent in something What gives you pleasure, such as literature, art or business, by trying to get you to give up doing it, he undermines your independence.
* He denies his own actions.
Some actions within human relationships can be assessed subjectively. What one person considers a raised voice, another may call shouting. There is some room for reasonable people to disagree. However, there are actions - for example, an insult, hitting the table with your fist - that either happened or didn’t happen. Thus, while a non-abusive partner may argue with you about how you interpret their behavior, an abusive partner will deny it.
* He justifies his violent or frightening actions or says that “you forced him to do it.”
When you tell your partner, for example, that his screaming scares you, and he responds that he has every right to scream “because you won't listen to me,” that is abuse. The bully uses your behavior as an excuse for his own. By doing so, he renounces the unconditional cessation of degrading or intimidating behavior. Instead, he insists on an unequal deal, saying that he will stop some forms of abuse if you agree to give up what he doesn't like, even though this is often your absolutely legal right.
* When angry, he resorts to physical contact or intimidates you in other ways.
A man's physical aggression towards his partner is cruelty, even if it only happens once. If he swung at you, punched a hole in the wall, threw something at you, blocked your path, grabbed, pushed or poked you, or threatened to beat you, this is physical cruelty. He instills fear and uses your need for physical freedom and security to control you.
Sometimes your partner may unintentionally scare you because they don't know what effect their actions will have on you. For example, it may come from a family or culture where people shout loudly and wave their arms when arguing, whereas in your environment everyone was quiet and polite. A non-violent man in these circumstances will be very concerned when he realizes that he scared you, and will try to make sure it doesn't happen again - no strings attached.
Physical cruelty is dangerous. Once manifested, it can intensify over time. Even if it doesn't, so-called "low-level" physical abuse can frighten you, give your partner power over you, and begin to destroy your ability to manage your life. Any form of physical bullying is traumatic for children.
What if a woman slaps you? Is this abuse of a man? Answer: “It depends on the situation.” Men generally perceive pushing and slapping from women as irritating or rage-inducing rather than frightening, so the long-term emotional effects are much less harmful. It is difficult to find a man who has lost personal freedom or self-esteem due to female aggressiveness. I reject any form of aggression in relationships other than truly necessary self-defense, but I reserve the word cruelty for situations of control and intimidation.
However, a woman can be intimidated by another woman, and a man can be intimidated by his male partner. Much of what I have said about the thinking and tactics of heterosexual abusers applies to gays and lesbians as well (see Chapter 6 for more details).
* He forces you to have sex.
I have had clients who repeatedly raped or forced sex on their partners, but never hit them. Sexual coercion or the use of force in a relationship is abuse. Research shows that women who are raped by intimate partners experience even more profound and lasting suffering than those who are raped by a stranger or an acquaintance. intimate relationships. If you experience regular sexual assault or persistent pressure to have sex, call a sexual assault or abused women's hotline, even if you don't feel like the word "rape" applies to what your partner is doing.
*His controlling, disrespectful and demeaning behavior is systemic.
This situation requires special attention and the ability to trust your feelings. When exactly do actions become a system? What if this happens three times a year? What if this happens once a week? There is no answer that fits all actions and all people. You must decide for yourself whether your partner's mistreatment of you is a pattern.
* You feel like there are signs of abuse.
All of the signs of abuse discussed above related to the man's actions and thinking. But it is equally important to take a closer look at yourself, answering questions such as:
...
-Are you afraid of him?
– Are you withdrawing from friends and family because he has made it difficult for you to communicate with them?
– Are your energy and motivation levels decreasing, or do you feel depressed?
– Your opinion of yourself is declining, so you are constantly fighting to be good enough or to assert yourself?
– Do you find yourself constantly thinking about your relationships and how to fix them?
– Do you feel like you can't do anything right?
– Do you feel that the problems in your relationship are your fault?
– Do you regularly feel like you’ve been trampled after arguments, but you can’t understand exactly why?
These are signs that you may be in a relationship with an abusive man.
You may notice that the signs of abuse listed above rarely include the word “anger.” Bitterness may be one of the signs of a tendency towards cruelty, but cruelty and bitterness are different things. There are, for example, cheerful and calculating violent individuals, while at the same time, some non-violent men show anger quite often. You may decide that you don't want to be in a relationship with a partner who is constantly angry - that's none of my business - but anger itself is not cruelty.
What if he regrets?
Two questions I get asked very often are: 1) is the abuser sincere in expressing remorse, and 2) does being sincerely sorry for what they did mean that they are less likely to repeat the violent behavior?
QUESTION 10: IS HE REALLY SORRY? The good news is that his remorse is often sincere. The bad: it rarely helps. There are many conflicting psychological attitudes and beliefs at work simultaneously in the brain of an abusive man. Here are examples of typical contradictions:
- Women are fragile creatures and need protection, but they need to be intimidated from time to time so that they do not get out of hand.
“We have an equal right to speak out, but I make the decision.”
“I feel terrible for treating her badly, but I shouldn’t have any regrets in my personal relationships, no matter what I do.”
“I don’t have to raise my voice, but I have to control her, and for this I sometimes have to raise my voice.”
“It’s not good to hit women, but sometimes a man has no choice.”
When a man feels remorse for his abusive behavior, the remorse conflicts with his position of entitlement. In his head it sounds something like:
...I feel so bad for sending her, especially in front of the children. I lost my temper, and I want my family to always see me as a strong and responsible person. This breakdown is taking a toll on my self-esteem. But she called me "irresponsible"! Now the children will think that I am bad, and the reason is her. If they side with her, I'll tell them why I'm mad. She made me look really bad. Yes she went...
Let's analyze this text. Firstly, the experiences of the offended wife remain out of sight. A man is tormented because: 1) he has damaged his image in the eyes of other people; 2) hit own feeling what he would like to be; 3) feels that he must control his wife without resorting to cruelty. From these thoughts he slides to blaming his wife for his explosion. He considers himself entitled to do this and thus gets rid of the feeling of guilt. In the end, the blame for everything is shifted to the wife, including the impression he made on the children. The remorse faded.
During the first incidents of abuse, a man's emotions can look dramatic: I have had clients cry, beg their women for forgiveness and say, "You deserve so much better, I don't know what you're doing with a jerk like me." It may seem like the remorse comes from the heart, especially if you haven't seen him this upset before. But self-justification mechanisms kick in, and after a day or two the feelings of guilt are gone. The woman experiences the incident much longer, and very soon the partner can tell her: “Still haven’t forgotten? Don't dwell on it, damn it! Let's forget and move on." His attitude to the situation: “I’m done with it, so why didn’t she?”
Note that most abusers do feel sorry—though probably more for themselves—while putting on a little show to shift the focus to themselves. The partner may forget about his rudeness at the sight of his suffering... She may begin to assure him that she will not leave him, that she still loves him, that she does not think that he is a terrible person. She can hide his act from the children. This way he gets some calming attention as a reward for his disgusting behavior!
Remorse and regret tend to weaken as the number of violent episodes increases. The aspect of sincerity disappears as the man becomes accustomed to cruel acts and ceases to perceive the hurt feelings of his partner. The show is losing entertainment - he is less and less worried about the possibility of losing a woman, and he is more and more confident that she is completely under his control and will not leave him.
And lastly: it doesn’t really matter how sincere the repentance was. Clients who experienced high levels of regret after their first episodes of abuse changed at about the same rate as those who did not. The most remorseful were sometimes the most self-centered, bemoaning the damage done to their self-image most of all. They were ashamed of having acted like brutal dictators and wanted to quickly return to being benign dictators, as if that made them much better people.
If remorse after the incident does not help
The following steps on his part can prevent another episode of abuse:
*Give you the opportunity to express your anger about what he did. Don't tell you that you've been angry for too long and don't try to make you swallow your feelings of anger.
* Listen to your opinion without interrupting, without making excuses or shifting the blame onto you.
* Make amends for anything he did to you, such as by picking up everything he dropped, or telling friends that he told lies about you, or telling your children that his behavior was unacceptable and it was not your fault.
* Make an agreement to immediately and unconditionally change behavior.
* Ask for help without waiting until you pressure him to do it.
If he is willing to do this, chances are he is not deeply cruel. However, without such clear and unambiguous action, abuse will return.
Take immediate action to protect yourself
Many women take a “wait and see” attitude at the first sign of an abusive partner. This is a dangerous trap. The longer you stay with an abusive man and the more destructive his behavior becomes, the harder it is to extricate yourself from the relationship, and here's why:
* The longer he spends time lowering your opinion of himself, the harder it will be for you to believe that you deserve better treatment.
* The longer he inflicts emotional trauma on you, the more likely it is that your energy and initiative will decrease - it will be more difficult for you to find the strength to break free.
* The more damage he does to your relationships with friends and family, the less support you will have for the difficult process of breaking up.
* The longer you live in his cycle of alternating cruel and kind, loving treatment, the more attached to him you are likely to feel, experiencing traumatic attachment (see Chapter 9).
For all of these reasons, you need to take action, no matter how many years you have been in a relationship with an abusive man.
One more thing: if you and your abusive partner don’t have children, don’t have them! Having a child will not make him calm down or become more responsible. This will not convince him of your commitment to him or stop his jealous accusations, nor will it stop him from cheating on you. Having children will only add to your stress as you begin to worry about how your partner's abusive behavior is affecting your children. Having children may make it difficult for you to care for him and give him the opportunity to threaten you with attempts to gain custody of them (see Chapter 10). I don’t know of a single case where having children would solve the problem of a woman living with an aggressive man, or at least weaken it.
...Remember
*Early signs of abuse are usually noticeable if you know what to look for.
* When you notice warning signs, act quickly: set limits on acceptable behavior or end the relationship. The deeper you become involved with an abusive man, the harder it will be to get out.
* You are not the cause of your partner's descent into violence and you cannot stop this process by trying to understand what is bothering him and meeting his needs more fully. Emotional distress and unmet needs have nothing to do with cruelty.
* Clear indicators of abusive behavior include ridicule of your complaints about his abuse, physical intimidation, or forced sex. Any of these manifestations are a sign that abuse has already begun in your relationship.
* You are not a “co-creator” of an abusive relationship—it is created by the abuser, not his partner.
* As soon as you have questions about abuse, sound the alarm. Don't wait until you are sure.
