This year, the first season of the series “Big Little Lies” was released, which tells about a long-married couple played by Nicole Kidman and Alexander Skarsgård. Their relationship is full of violence and disrespect for each other: from small quarrels to assault.
The series reflects the situation in modern families. The statistics are stark: 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men have experienced domestic violence. The topic of abuse is increasingly being raised in the media, and in 2015, Twitter users even launched a flash mob: they wrote stories about family life under the hashtags “Why I left” and “Why I stayed.” I have collected for you 15 signs that can help you recognize violence in a family or relationship.
Myth: Domestic violence is always physical. If you don't get hit, what's the problem?
Rachel Godsmith, Domestic Violence Program Manager, says:
Domestic violence defined as a pattern of power and control in a relationship. A person can control another person in many ways that are not physical.
1. Constant checks
There is a fine line between normal and abusive relationships. If you're constantly texting your partner and you tell each other what you're doing, that's normal. But sincere care gives way to total control, when your partner wants to know where you are and what you are doing around the clock. It is very easy to recognize a tendency towards violence: you begin to feel guilty for your actions.
2. Isolation from friends and family
Early warning sign: When your partner tries to isolate you from family, friends, or activities. He may say that they are not good enough for you or that they have the wrong outlook on life. One thing is important: after a break in ties, it becomes difficult to seek support.
3. Accusations of treason
Abusive relationships are full of jealousy. It is easy for an abuser to imagine that a partner is unfaithful, even if there is no evidence of this. In turn, the accused can do his best to convince that there is no affair on the side. This adds even more stress to the relationship.
You don't want your partner to think that you are doing something wrong.
4. Constant messages and calls
In 2017, the abuser expects that he can reach his partner at any time. A few missed ones, and boom! - receive accusations of irresponsibility, disrespect or treason.
5. Shaming
In an abusive relationship, an emotional abuser will constantly shame their partner for everything from appearance And mental abilities to the people with whom he communicates. In this way, the tyrant strengthens his power over the victim.
6. Financial restrictions
Financial abuse can take many forms, and the abuser has the ability to control the amounts to which the partner has access. There are also restrictions on cards and the number of hours during which you can work.
7. Demands to explain who you spend time with
This is another way of control by which the abuser makes the partner feel guilty, as if he is doing something wrong.
8. Forced sex
Sexual coercion is a large area of domestic violence. The abuser may pressure him into deserving sex or actually force him into physical intimacy by telling him he needs to have sex to “prove his love or he’ll go somewhere else.”
9. Gaslighting
A common form of emotional abuse in which the abuser convinces the partner that he is going crazy. This is how the victim begins to question his own perception of the relationship. The whole purpose of gaslighting is to break someone else's sense of reality for further control.
10. Cheating
Abusers may intentionally cheat in order to later blame their partner for it and deliberately make them feel bad, or to show how in demand they are to other people.
11. Decreasing the importance of parenting or housework
Victims of abuse are often criticized for the way they raise their children. Partners may use this as an excuse for their abuse.
12. Ban on drugs
Another tactic that manipulators often use is to limit their partner's reproductive freedom. For example, hide or destroy birth control pills or condoms to gain power over a partner. Among all the studied cases of emotional violence, a third of women were subjected to this particular manifestation.
It is important to understand that women have the right to make their own choices regarding sexual and reproductive health. No one has the right to dictate to her how she should control him.
13. Requirements for intimate photos
While sexting can be the fun part romantic relationships, the abuser sends sexy photos of himself and demands the same in return.
14. Shifting the blame onto your partner
Some may be in denial and blame the victim for actually being manipulative. The most popular method is to point out that the partner did something “wrong”, and this forced them to take retaliatory measures.
15. Requiring passwords
In some cases, abusers demand all account passwords in order to control their victim’s life online. It's important to remember that you shouldn't share your passwords with anyone if you don't want to.
Why is emotional abuse difficult to deal with?
I have worked with many women who were victims and they felt a huge sense of shame for loving someone who abused them. They saw the abuser as a person with whom they had once fallen in love.
— Katie Ray-Jones, President of America's Domestic Violence Hotline.
There are no victims who experienced domestic violence only once. When people say “one time,” it can refer to physical violence, such as a slap. But isolation, constant insults and threats are repeated from time to time.
What to do?
Conversations about domestic violence constantly return to the same question: how do I leave? There is a myth that leaving such a relationship is an easy decision. In fact, victims often find themselves economically dependent on their abusers: they have no money to pay for rent, services, or food. Having a child together that requires care makes the task especially difficult.
There is also a justified fear that trying to leave a partner will cause new problems: extreme isolation and physical violence. There are enough stories in the media about how a husband killed a woman and children. Women know the threats are real.
Another aspect is also important: everyone wants to be a savior, but it is impossible to simply save another person in an addictive relationship. You can only support, give some resource so that the victim gets back on his feet. Friends and family of the victim should offer support and show that their environment is safe and open. There is an opinion in society that you just have to have a heart-to-heart talk with the victim, and then everything will fall into place, but this is not so. Pushing an addicted person to leave will not lead to good results either.
If the victim feels unheard and pressured, the person will likely no longer be trusted. The psychologist recommends listening and making it clear that you are concerned about their condition and are ready to help.
Victims of domestic violence should undergo a mental health assessment to screen for possible depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. Few victims emerge from long-term domestic violence situations emotionally and physically unscathed. The best thing you can do for yourself is to recognize the signs and get proper help.
We continue to explain point by point what it is, what types of it exist, what are their causes and how to deal with it. Today we are talking about specifics: what to do if you find yourself in a situation of domestic violence, find out that someone you know is suffering from it, or even suspect the tendencies of an abuser.
For assistance in preparing the material and consultation, the editors would like to thank Natalia Khodyreva, psychotherapist, candidate of psychological sciences and founder of the St. Petersburg crisis center for women “INGO”, Maria Mokhova, director of the independent charity center for helping survivors of sexual violence “Sisters”, as well as specialists from the national center for the prevention of violence “ ANNA ".
Olga Strakhovskaya
How to Know What You're Exposure to
domestic violence?
This may seem strange, but violence against oneself is not always easy to detect. With physical violence, everything is more clear: if your partner has a habit of using force on you, this is it. It doesn’t have to be beatings; covering your mouth or wringing your hands also counts. With sexual and especially psychological violence, everything is more complicated. The situation is aggravated by attitudes in society that prevent us from looking at things objectively. For example, sex under “unobtrusive” coercion is considered to be in the order of things, and a woman is not supposed to refuse her husband - otherwise she will consider herself bad wife. Economic and psychological manipulation, in turn, can be very sophisticated and unobvious, and the rapist tries to convince you that it’s all your fault, and he often succeeds.
Moreover, violence is not continuous, but occurs in cycles that follow a specific pattern. A long period of tension is inevitably followed by a period of detente (in fact, the violent act itself): this could be a fight, a scandal, or a humiliating scene. However, this is always followed by reconciliation, the abuser asks for forgiveness and promises never to do this again. A “peaceful” period begins, which psychologists also call the “honeymoon”: relationships seem to normalize or even become better. But eventually the cycle of violence inevitably repeats itself. It is these alternations of “black” and “white” stripes that confuse victims. Many can live like this for years, not noticing that all situations develop according to the same pattern, without analyzing it, or each time hoping that now everything will improve. Unfortunately, the opposite is true: in most cases, the duration of these periods will be shortened (especially between tension and relaxation), aggressive actions will become more severe (even threatening your life), and the period of rest may disappear completely.
How to understand that your partner
prone to violence?
It is better to prevent problems than to solve them as they arise - that is why it is so important in the family. There are a number warning signs, which directly or indirectly indicate that your partner has a tendency to suppress you or is already doing so. This can be understood in general by the strict control over contacts, jealousy, and disrespect for your desires and needs. If we talk about men, they often have high level gender stereotypes and they believe that a woman needs to be “educated.”
It is worth thinking seriously if you noted that your close person(which could be your parents) constantly monitors where you are, forces you to spend all your time at home, and also forbids you to communicate with any of your friends or family members. He can control your expenses and force you to account for the slightest expenses. It’s a bad sign if your partner reads your email or messages, listens to your conversations, prohibits you from calling or texting someone, or even using the phone or social networks. At the same time, aggressor partners tend to shift all the blame for problems in relationships solely on you; they systematically criticize you for any little thing, blame you for all failures, periodically ridicule you or things that are important to you, especially in the presence of strangers.
It's a bad sign if your partner gets angry easily while under the influence of alcohol or substances, has ever hit or threatened to hit your pet, and has threatened or done this to hurt you: roughly grabbed your arms, pushed you, hit you. It is especially dangerous if a man begins to threaten and there is a weapon at home. Force to join sexual relations against your will or forced to do something unpleasant to you in a generally desirable sexual relationship - this is also partner violence.
What to do,
if this is my case?
It is very important to remember that the cause of domestic violence is only the aggressor, and first you need to understand what this type of personality is. It is generally accepted that this is a person who has difficulty controlling aggression, but it is more complicated than that. There are different reasons for such behavior, but most often it is nurtured over the years: it is adopted from a parent or the environment. A person gets used to this type of relationship because he sees how powerful and effective tools manipulation and control are.
Running headlong at the first hint of violence, as well as staying and enduring, are equally unconstructive reactions, but sometimes it is very difficult to make an informed decision without outside help. Often the first act of physical violence causes shock in the injured party - as Natalia Khodyreva notes, this is the moment when you need to contact a crisis center, and not hide the fact of violence and adapt to the situation.
First of all, you need to figure out how your partner evaluates his actions. It’s one thing if he understands that he is wrong, but for some reason is unable to control himself. It’s completely different if he is convinced that he is right and believes that violence in a relationship is acceptable (“hitting means loving”). Unfortunately, the second is more common.
In what case is it necessary
permanently break off the relationship?
If an abuser does not see a problem in his behavior, then he will never admit that he is to blame for something - in his opinion, you will always be to blame. He will never give up his manipulations, most likely because he doesn’t know any other way. He knows what he is doing and what he wants to achieve, this is not an impulsive outburst. Therefore, changing your behavior, hoping that it will stop causing aggression in your partner, is useless: no matter what you do, the rapist will still continue to beat or humiliate you. Simply because he has a need to constantly and completely control you - he does not know how to build relationships differently. You must accept the fact that no matter how hard you try, you will not cope with the situation and will not be able to help in any way. Most of the abuser's promises of change that are not backed up by action are lies that guarantee peace only until the next outbreak.
Is it possible to save such a relationship?
Correcting the situation without breaking off the relationship is only possible if the rapist wants to change. To do this, he will most likely need to see a psychotherapist or even a psychiatrist and learn to control his behavior. If your partner is violent towards you and does not want to change, but for some reason you decide not to leave him and remain in the cycle of violence, then you are putting your life in danger, and if you have children, the lives of your children. Often, women are stopped by the fact that children need a father - but in fact, if you think about it and do not look for an excuse for the situation, then children do not need a father who commits violence. As psychotherapist Olga Miloradova emphasizes, “emotional and verbal violence is also harmful to health: people who have suffered this type of violence often have diseases such as stomach ulcers or psoriasis, not to mention depression, suicidal tendencies, post-traumatic stress disorder and addiction to alcoholism or drug addiction."
Many people think that they can try to contact family psychologist- but the practice of joint counseling in cases of domestic violence has one big drawback. The fact is that it takes into account the opinions of both sides of the conflict. In a situation of domestic violence, this is not applicable, since part of the blame is thus shifted to the injured party. Some countries have a restorative approach aimed at preserving the family, but they also have laws that enforce compulsory medical and psychological assistance rapists and protecting victims of violence. There are also psychotherapeutic and educational programs around the world for men who abuse their loved ones. The purpose of such groups is to teach men to realize the real reasons for their actions and their seriousness, as well as to talk about their feelings, be able to negotiate, not be aggressive and understand that no one person has the right to control and power over another.
How to convince your partner to contact you
to qualified help?
If you are convinced that you need to save this relationship for some extremely compelling reasons, you need your partner to admit that he is the culprit of the problem, agree to qualified help, begin to receive it and, most importantly, change his behavior. Change must be lasting, not just empty promises and apologies. In the case when a partner who has shown violence against you admits his guilt, but does not take any action, psychotherapist Olga Miloradova recommends acting simply but decisively: “Inform your partner that you are leaving, and until he begins to receive help, any contact between impossible for you." Moreover, we must really leave, and not just threaten to do so.
How to break out
from an abusive relationship?
You will have to gain strength, because the injured partner in such a relationship is extremely depressed and it is very difficult to break away from the rapist. There are many factors that influence the decision to break up. For example, not everyone has separate housing or the opportunity to rent it - meanwhile, to make a decision, it is very important to be safe, next to people you can trust. Material obstacles are only part of the problem. The most difficult thing is to psychologically break out of such relationships: fear for yourself or for your child, constant coercion to sex and a set of emotional humiliations simply deprive you of willpower. As Natalia Khodyreva says, according to one of her clients, “it wasn’t even a matter of rape by her ex-husband, but of complete emotional destruction, such that she wanted to ‘step out the window’.”
It is important to understand that you are not alone, this problem has been studied and ways to solve it are known. Yes, it is very scary to be left alone, especially if self-esteem and self-confidence have already been seriously undermined by the rapist. At this moment, you need to admit that you need help, and turn for help not only to friends, but also to a crisis center where people work well knowledgeable about the problem. They will support you, explain how to believe in yourself and start life anew, help you draw up applications and file for divorce.
What to do if someone
someone you know is suffering
from domestic violence?
A person in such a situation needs help, but one should not put pressure on him. Support and accept, don't blame. The victim or victim needs to be listened to, given shelter if necessary and possible, a psychological service recommended, a helpline, and so on. If the person himself does not believe that he is being abused, you should not prove that she or he is a victim: if you insist on this, you will most likely cause a reaction of rejection and they will simply stop communicating with you. You can try to gently ask leading questions, listen more and talk less, and avoid making value judgments. You can try to give examples of some situations where at first it was like this, and then this and that happened, and offer your help “if something happens.” It is important to revive self-respect and remind a person that life in safety, without beatings and humiliation is everyone’s right.
How to behave during an incident
to survive?
During a quarrel, you should try not to succumb to provocations: for example, if you are insulted, you should try to remain calm as much as possible. Remember that everything you do and say will be used against you. Unfortunately, there are no universal rules of behavior if you have already been physically abused. Someone may be stopped if you start crying or showing that you are in pain, while for others it will only provoke you even more. The best way to stay alive is to leave the house or hide and call the police.
If you live in a situation of domestic violence and understand how real the threat to life is, then, firstly, you need to think through an emergency safety plan. Prepare documents, money, find a safe place to live in order to survive stress and make a decision in safety, come to an agreement with neighbors and relatives. Carry a phone with you to call the police or call your neighbors. Do " panic button» - hotkey with the number of a friend or relative. If you call the police, it is better to call not the duty station, but 02, since all telephone calls are recorded there. Give as many details of what is happening as possible. However, in a critical situation there may be no time at all. Run.
What to do immediately after the incident:
who to contact, where to go?
Domestic violence: women under attack
According to research, a Russian woman is 2.5 times more likely to be killed by her husband or partner than an American woman and 5 times more likely than a Western European woman. Psychologists say that if physical violence has been committed at least once in a family, it will continue to develop. The cycle of violence was first described in the book “The Battered Woman” by an American researcher and specialist on the problem of domestic violence. Lenore Walker and named "three phase theory". She proposes to consider the situation of domestic violence as a whole as a cyclical system, consisting of three phases that replace each other.1. Voltage
Characterized by individual insults that can be verbal and/or emotional. Women usually try to react calmly in order to defuse the situation. They may also try to protect their position through backlash. At the same time, both partners may try to justify the actions of the offender, looking for an explanation for his breakdowns in stress due to work or lack of money. And women mistakenly believe that this will help control outbreaks of violence or at least limit their extent.
2. Violent incident
This phase is characterized by intense release, accompanied by emotional outbursts and physical actions in their most negative and violent form. This is the shortest phase, which can last from 2 to 24 hours.
3. Honeymoon
After the previous phase, there is usually some sobering up on the part of the aggressor and his denial of the seriousness of the incident or minimization of everything that happened. During this phase, a man can undergo a fabulous transformation, demonstrating extraordinary kindness and every minute assuring his wife of unearthly love. The faithful sincerely repents of what he has done, promising that he will never do something like this again, but at the same time he can blame the woman for provocation, saying that she “brought him down.” Of course, such a “transformation” of a man gives a woman hope that everything will be different. Therefore, it is difficult for her to leave him.
7. Alcoholism is the main cause of violence
The problem of alcoholism is indeed often associated with violence. A man's aggressiveness may increase in accordance with the amount taken. Alcohol reduces the ability to control behavior, so it is often psychologically easier for women to explain a man’s behavior and forgive him.
8. Darlings scold - only for fun
Perhaps there is no family in which quarrels and conflicts do not occur. But domestic violence is neither a quarrel nor family conflict. Conflict in the family implies an equal position for spouses/partners who disagree with something and have the right to express their opinion. In a situation of violence, one person seeks to control another, using physical force, economic opportunities, social status and so on. If conflict in the family is always an isolated episode, then violence is a carefully constructed system.
9. A slap is nothing
Violence is cyclical and gradually intensifies. It can start simply with criticism, then move on to humiliation, then to pushing, slapping, hitting, and then regular beatings, and sometimes even death.
10. Hit once - will always hit
Yes, it is a recognized fact that it is quite difficult to correct an aggressor. In many countries, there are psychotherapeutic and educational programs for men who abuse their loved ones. The purpose of such groups is to teach husbands to realize the real reasons for their actions and their seriousness, and also to talk about own feelings, be able to negotiate, not be aggressive and understand that no one person has the right to control and power over another.
11. I'm only with him because of the children - they need a father.
This myth is being destroyed much faster than others when people begin to realize that children who witness violence against their mother experience psychological trauma to the same extent as the victim mother. According to research, a man who beats his wife is often aggressive towards his children. Children who are in an atmosphere of constant conflict develop low resistance to stress, decreased immunity, and decreased performance at school.
12. Domestic violence has existed everywhere and always, it is useless to fight it
Indeed, the custom of wife beating is as old as marriage itself. In ancient times, the law openly encouraged and sanctioned assault by husbands. But this does not mean that it is useless to fight it. A major role in the occurrence of domestic violence is played by the patriarchal attitudes of the culture in which men are socialized. A recent study showed that of the total volume of recorded scenes of aggression on Russian television, the main part (65%) occurs in interactions between men and women, while the victims in most cases are women.
What to do?
. Pay attention to a man’s behavior at the initial stage of a relationship
If a man already at the start of a relationship demonstrates to a lady that he is better, taller, more competent, that he has the right to a decisive vote and can forbid her something, this is a bad sign. The habit of commanding and demanding obedience, for the sole reason that you are a woman, and because you owe something, but have no right to something, is also a bad sign.
. Tell your loved ones what's happening
People around you need to know that something is wrong in the family. A woman should not be left alone with her problem, hopelessness - it is very important to know that she has somewhere to go, that there are people who, if something happens, will shelter her, help with money, and simply provide moral support.
. Run, Lola, run!
If the violence has gone so far that the only way out is to save yourself, in this case, as practice shows, a secret escape is better and safer than an announced break, which leads to an escalation of violence. It is better not to be alone with the aggressor: the presence of witnesses can stop him. It is important to prepare an alternate airfield: set aside a certain amount of money, hide documents, make arrangements with friends, and stock up on the telephone numbers of crisis centers in advance.
One of the most common types of domestic violence is abuse by a husband against his wife. Society's views on who and how should dominate the family undoubtedly contribute to the rise in cases of wife abuse. Society has long believed that wives should be subordinate to their husbands and have very limited rights: in past centuries, husbands could exercise almost unlimited control over the actions of their wives.
Currently, violence against women is one of the fundamental social mechanisms through which women are forced into a subordinate position compared to men. Violence directed at women reflects the structure of subordination and power, the depth of differences between the sexes.
Most of the aggression we see around us is an emotional reaction to an unsatisfactory state of affairs. People who feel unhappy for one reason or another may experience increased irritation and tend to be aggressive. Berkovets argues that many (but certainly not all) situations in which a husband uses violence against his wife and children and/or is attacked by his spouse may begin with an emotional outburst generated by the negative feelings of the husband or wife towards the object of aggression at the time its manifestations Berkovets L. Decree. op. - P. 294.. However, the negative impulse leading to violence often occurs with a time delay. Exceptions are observed only in cases where a person has serious aggressive intentions, and his internal restrictions on the use of force are weak.
It is interesting to note that the degree of relationship between a woman's subordination and her abuse varies in accordance with changes in the nature of her dependence on the man and the severity of the abuse. The higher psychological dependence wife from her husband, the more likely she is to be the target of “moderate” violence (pushing or light hitting). Economic dependence, on the contrary, is associated with much more brutal manifestations of violence. Ibid. - P. 294..
In relation to both types of addiction, researchers came to the conclusion that women in strong addiction from their husbands are less able to reduce the severity of violence or even put an end to it compared to those women in whose families the material psychological relationships of the spouses turn out to be more balanced Enikolopov S.N. Problems of family violence // Applied psychology. - 2002. - No. 5/6. - P. 7..
Emerson and Russell Dobash, for example, argue that husbands beat their wives mainly based on their strong ideas that in this way they can secure for themselves the traditionally dominant role in the S.N. Enikolopov family. Decree. op. - P.8.. Developing this topic, some researchers family relations claimed that social norms initially they establish who should command in the family and who should obey. They saw intrafamily violence as a manifestation of the differences in power between men and women in a society oriented toward patriarchal traditions.
Sometimes male violence occurs without any use at all physical strength. The husband establishes his own rules in the house, sharply limits his wife’s rights, and makes unreasonable claims. Such a family dictator has, firstly, a distorted concept of justice (“I can do anything”), secondly, low self-esteem, and thirdly, with all this, a desire for power. And he takes this power by methods of psychological violence only because he is afraid: he may not succeed any other way. Moreover, such a husband often does not allow his wife to tell anyone about her suffering and humiliation: firstly, because, from his point of view, such an attitude towards his wife is completely fair, and secondly, he unconsciously fears that another force may be found against his strength - the one who suddenly wants to protect this woman Frolov S.V. Decree. op. - P. 60..
In fact, in in this case, the problem lies in the subordination of women, and its solution is in the fight against this phenomenon. This is confirmed by numerous research data, according to which, the majority of women subjected to violence played such an insignificant role at home that they had practically no influence on decision-making in their family Belicheva S.A. Problems of identifying and preventing family violence // Bulletin of psychosocial and correctional rehabilitation work. - 2006.- No. 2. - P. 67..
Physical violence is one of the most common and dangerous types of violence against women. According to studies, from 30 to 40 percent Russian women have been subjected to physical aggression from men close to them - current or ex-husband, groom or lover. At the same time, every fifth woman is in a situation of regular and severe physical violence from her husband, characterized by frequent beatings, injuries that require seeing a doctor, seeking help from the police, and waiting for new attacks from her husband. Finding a new life: reference. benefit for women facing violence / S. Perttu. - Jyväskylä: Gummerus, 2010. - pp. 6-7..
In Russia as a whole, 36 thousand women a day are beaten in the family. About half of battered women were attacked while they were pregnant, breastfeeding, or small child, or experienced physical or moral suffering, were in a state of helplessness. According to the results of a study conducted with women who contacted the crisis center, it also turned out that 95% of them suffer from physical violence from their husbands. This type violence poses a serious threat to women's health. Research results show that from 40% to 75% of women who are subjected to physical violence by a partner receive physical damage Besschetnova O. V. Family violence: what modern youth think about it // Bulletin of Moscow University. Sociology and political science. Ser. 18. - 2007. - No. 3. - P. 59..
In most cases, abusive husbands are not psychopaths capable of extremely cruel acts. Typically, physical violence is not severe and women do not suffer significant injuries. The risk of becoming a victim of physical violence is increased among rural women; in women with a low level of education; women with higher education than their husbands; in women with low incomes. This risk increases with age.
According to L. Berkovets, manifestations of aggression and violence in the family are greatly influenced by social factors, especially social norms and values, on which of the spouses should occupy a dominant place in the family and how he can properly exercise his power Berkovets L. Decree. op. - P. 298..
Signs of physical violence in the family include:
Sharply expressed fearfulness of a woman;
Clearly expressed fear of people;
The presence of various injuries on the body and face;
Manifestation of anxiety in the form of tics, swaying;
Fear of going home;
Suicidal attempts;
Cruelty to animals;
The desire to hide the cause of injury: A Guide to Preventing Family Violence / Ed. N.K. Asanova. - M.: Vlados, 2007. - P. 218..
In many cases, it turns out that being a victim and being an aggressor is a stable form of behavior that persists across different intimate relationships. Women who, before their current marriage, had already been beaten by one of their close men, with more likely may be subject to violence in a subsequent marriage.
Physical violence is the most common type of domestic violence. Its consequences are not only physical injuries, constant headaches, insomnia, but also the formation of the so-called “Battered Woman Syndrome” in the victim. In this case, the woman feels weak, helpless, controlled, and unable to take responsibility for her life. Often the victim feels guilty for the violence committed against her or simply denies the fact of it, convincing herself and others that this is present in most families.
Physical violence is closely related to sexual violence, and the more severe the form of sexual violence, the stronger this connection.
Sexual violence - sex without mutual consent, against desire, with the use of physical force, threats, intimidation, forced sexual intercourse, after beatings, sex as a means of humiliation and insult. It implies sexual intercourse due to the use of force by a man or continuous pressure on his part; This is the commission of sexual acts against the will of a woman, as well as forcing a partner to engage in methods and methods of sexual relations that are unacceptable to her. This is an unsuccessful or sexual act committed with a sick woman or a disabled person, under pressure or under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Sexual pleasure by its very essence presupposes freedom and voluntariness. However, in almost all human societies at all times there have been various shapes sexual coercion and aggression. Moreover, this happens much more often than official statistics record: most victims prefer not to contact law enforcement agencies, since publicity can damage their reputation. Thus, for every case of sexual violence recorded by statistics, according to criminologists, there are 4-5 unaccounted for Boychenko L. D. Gender violence in Russia and other countries of the Barents Euro-Arctic Region (BEAR): possibilities for prevention. - Petrozavodsk: PetrSU Publishing House, 2007. - P.12..
An extreme form of coercion is sexual violence: rape, that is, sexual intercourse with the use of physical force or the threat of its use to the victim or to other persons, or taking advantage of the victim's helpless position, or other violent acts of a sexual nature, such as oral or anal sex. The social and cultural root causes of sexual aggression are rooted primarily in rigid differentiation of sex roles. Historical and ethnographic data show that sexual violence is more common in societies where men and female roles sharply segregated and where power lies with men. Where gender relations are more equal, violence is less common. An equally important factor is the attitude of society towards violence as such - the cult of an aggressive man who relies primarily on force when solving his problems - a breeding ground for any kind of violence, including sexual violence.
Unfortunately, with a rigid patriarchal family structure, a man is given the unconditional right to sexual relations with his wife and the right to use physical force in case of her refusal. Marital rape is a crime, although even in modern society it is often not assessed as a crime, which compounds the problem.
A woman victim of sexual violence often does not fully understand that violence has been committed against her, although her physical and psychological state clearly demonstrates this.
Every third woman who has suffered from violence in marriage reports precisely this form of aggression from her husband Genderology and feminology: tutorial/ Edited by L. D. Erokhina and others - M.: Flint: Science, 2009. - P. 98-99..
The physical consequences of sexual violence include: chronic pain in the pelvic area without obvious signs of illness; gynecological abnormalities, frequent infections of the genitourinary system; sleep disorder, appetite disorder, physical fatigue, inability to cope with even minimal physical activity. The psychological consequences of this type of violence include: mental fatigue; prolonged emotional stress; alcohol abuse; instability of mood with outbreaks of an angry-melancholy state, anxiety; loss of interest in life; limitation and extreme formalization of contacts with other people; Self-loathing Malkina-Pykh I. G. Psychological assistance in crisis situations. - M.: Eksmo, 2010. - P. 721..
In addition to physical violence against women, psychological violence is often observed in families. Psychological violence is characterized by ignoring the needs of a woman and the inability of a man to express affection, love and care towards his wife and child, ignoring the needs of the wife and child in a safe environment, for emotional attachment, for support in communication Zdravomyslova O. Domestic violence and the crisis of the traditional concept of education // Social pedagogy. - 2005. - No. 1. - P. 124..
This is violence using verbal and mental means, belittling a woman’s dignity, insults, disdain leading to loss of self-esteem, reproaches, abuse, including obscene language, rudeness, intimidation.
Psychological violence leads to neuropsychiatric diseases, mental and physical development women and has a particularly severe impact on the development emotional sphere. A woman with a strong type of nervous system may develop emotional deafness, a complete inability to empathize, cruelty and aggressiveness towards peers, children, and animals. The consequence of mental violence for women with a weak nervous system is neuropsychic diseases - tics, enuresis, suicide attempts, etc.
To characterize the states of victims of violence, the American psychologist G. Sullivan used the term dissociation (split), i.e. the process (or the result thereof) by which a coherent set of actions, thoughts, attitudes or emotions aimed at survival is separated from the rest of the personality and functions as if separately, independently. Handbook for the Prevention of Family Violence / Ed. N.K. Asanova. - M.: Vlados, 2007. - P. 22..
Another type of intra-family violence against women is economic violence, which is expressed through denial of a woman’s access to livelihood and control over her. Manifests itself in refusal to support children; concealment of income; spending family money, making most financial decisions independently - this can be expressed in the fact that the wife’s needs are not taken into account when purchasing groceries; The wife, when making purchases, must account with checks. Economic pressure is one of the most common types of violence. Women are forced to regularly ask their husbands for money and have to account for all or most of their expenses. Unlike their husbands, they do not have money that they can spend on themselves. Often economic violence manifests itself as a prohibition on the part of the husband to study and pursue a career, threats to leave him without a livelihood, negative reviews about his wife’s work, refusal of money due to his wife’s behavior. This form of violence does not fall under the definition of an offense and is very dangerous. It creates the preconditions for the unpunished commission of mental, physical and sexual violence, since the woman is codependent on her husband. Economic dependence makes women especially vulnerable and increases the likelihood of domestic violence. Women whose income significantly exceeds that of their husband also become victims of economic violence. The husband takes his wife's salary and manages all the funds. In such cases, women often experience feelings of guilt and pity, without realizing that they are in a situation of domestic violence. Belicheva S.A. Problems of identifying and preventing domestic violence // Bulletin of psychosocial and correctional rehabilitation work. - 2006. - No. 2. - pp. 60-61..
To provide assistance to women victims of violence, the organization of preventive measures requires highly professional, qualified specialists with deep theoretical knowledge and practical experience. The development of various, multidisciplinary technologies for working with women is required, since it is extremely important that women who have suffered from abuse in the family, had the opportunity to receive full information on legal and legal issues, psychological support.
The problem of domestic violence in Kazakhstan, unfortunately, is a taboo topic for many, and victims very often simply cannot muster the courage to seek help from a crisis center or the police. In this case, relatives, friends or colleagues can come to the rescue. We asked experts about what is domestic violence and how to deal with it at the public and state levels. What to do if this problem directly affects your friends? A “health expert” understands how you can help a person facing
with beatings in the family, with the help of the chairman of the Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan Zulfiya BAISAKOVA and lawyer Zhanar NURMUKHANOVA.
What is "domestic violence"?
According to the Constitution of the Republic of Kazakhstan, human dignity is inviolable, no one should be subjected to torture, violence, or cruel treatment. This also applies to
personal security from attacks within one’s family. But in reality, too often things are quite different. Today, domestic violence is one of the most pressing social problems.
According to the definition of Article 4 of the Law of the Republic of Kazakhstan “On the Prevention of Domestic Violence”, it can be expressed not only in the form of physical or psychological, but also in the form of sexual and (or) economic violence. Some family members become victims of constant pressure, insults, nagging, beatings, and bullying. Anyone can become a victim of domestic violence - a woman who is beaten by her tyrant husband; a girl suffering from sexual persecution by her stepfather, brother or even own father; a boy who is beaten by his mother; old people who are hated by their own children. However, the gendered nature of domestic violence is still significantly biased towards violence against women by men.
In many families, abuse is passed down from generation to generation, from the fact that it is considered useful for educational purposes to spank a child on the buttocks, ending with the fact that the patriarchal foundations that reign in our society consider it permissible to beat wives for the purpose of the same “education.” But the nature of family relationships is of great importance for the child’s behavior in the future. And, becoming adults, children learn the model of conflict resolution that reigned in the family - it turns out a vicious circle, which can be broken
very difficult.
Why is this happening?
The purpose of domestic violence is to establish control and power over the victim, when the abuser seeks to become the “master” of her life. It has no specific cause other than where one seeks to control behavior and feelings
another and suppress him as a person on different levels. As soon as the victim submits, he becomes helpless, cannot soberly assess the situation, and no longer tries to defend himself. Being in a kind of stress buffer, victims of domestic violence often refuse any attempts to help them.
Conspiracy of silence
Manifestations of violence are cyclical: an incident of violence - reconciliation - a period of peace - increased tension - violence. Over time, cycles often shorten in time and domestic violence becomes more severe. It is always important to remember that once it occurs, domestic violence is likely to continue. After some time, the “peaceful period” will again move into the “increasing tension” phase, which will inevitably be followed by the “violence” phase.
Unfortunately, there is a global problem in society - the so-called conspiracy of silence. Victims cannot and do not want to admit that domestic violence was committed against them. And if someone completely by chance
witnesses such an incident, it is considered normal not to interfere, not to notice, and to assume that people will figure it out themselves. Thus, we automatically encourage it, turn a blind eye to the huge, fetid social
ulcer. It seems to us that violence cannot be near us, that in good families or relationships, no one will raise a hand against anyone, that this only happens to
marginalized from the lower strata of society, and smart and prosperous people are impossibly far from all this dirt. Ignorance makes people blind and deaf, and
When you experience domestic violence in person, you feel overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.
Hidden Condemnation
There is another problem - hidden or open condemnation of victims of domestic violence. For example, a wife is ashamed to say that her husband beats her; she considers herself to blame for various reasons (she was not good enough, bothered him when he was not in the mood, did something wrong; most aggressors blame their partners for what because of her behavior he lost control of himself
and she “deserved it”) because society and her partner made her think so. A teenage girl is afraid to tell someone about her stepfather’s harassment, because she may have already tried, but she didn’t believe her, and what’s more, her own mother condemned her.
Or the mother cannot admit that her own son is mocking her: she, they say, is “herself to blame”, she did not please, she raised her incorrectly. But the truth is that there is no such thing as “own fault”. Any violence is always and entirely the fault of the offender.
There are many established in society harmful stereotypes regarding violence, and they constantly interfere with overcoming this phenomenon. For example, it is particularly common for victims to firmly believe that they are obliged to endure domestic violence for the sake of their children. However, they think little about
the fact that children raised in such families subsequently show a tendency to become either victims or aggressors, since what they saw and experienced in childhood has a detrimental effect on their mental health and normal development. IN
In the post-Soviet space, there is also a widespread popular opinion: “everyone lives like this, so this is our fate, we must endure it.” This position is destructive.
No one should ever, under any circumstances, become a victim of violence for one simple reason: domestic violence is a crime.
This vicious circle consists of fear, guilt and hope. The first time it seems that this is some kind of completely ridiculous accident and this simply cannot happen again, then the hope follows that if you are better, this will not happen again
will happen. Next comes a feeling of guilt about the fact that you are not good enough, and the hope that talking will definitely help, great love. And in the end it becomes unbearably embarrassing to admit to others that the ideal
your parent/spouse/child throws you against the walls for every “sideways glance”, and it’s simply scary that if you tell someone about what’s happening, they’ll simply kill you.
The chairman of the Union of Crisis Centers and a lawyer tell how to help a person who is in trouble within his own family.
Chairman of the Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan:
– If you become aware of violence in someone else’s family, you need to report it to law enforcement agencies. True, there is one nuance here - to start something
They can only take action after a written application that requires contact information. Not everyone is ready to do this. Therefore, it often happens that a person seemed to want to help, but left with nothing because he was not ready to share his personal data. In this case, in our country there is a National Helpline for Children and Youth - 150 and a Helpline for Women Subjected to Domestic Violence - 1415, telephone services are available 24 hours a day. They allow us to provide emergency legal and psychological assistance to those in difficult situations. life situation. The service operates under a privacy policy and statements can be made anonymously.
National helpline
for children and youth – 150
Helpline for women,
exposed
domestic violence – 1415
Intervening openly is not recommended for many reasons. At a minimum, because it can worsen the situation of a victim of domestic violence. However, if we speak
is about a minor child, intervention is always justified and, moreover, necessary. If violence occurs on the street, you need to shout, draw attention to what is happening as much as possible in order to stop it. If this happens behind a neighbor’s wall and the person can hear everything but not see it, you should still report it so that the necessary check can be carried out. Even if the fact of violence
you just imagined it, you need to declare it. A preventive conversation will be held, thereby demonstrating vigilance. This can prevent possible incidents of violence in the future, since the person will understand that if he
decides to engage in domestic violence, he will be punished, they will find out about it, it will not go unnoticed.
Preventive conversations are carried out mainly by the juvenile police. Sometimes local police officers do this. If the case is urgent, you need to call 102, but, again, they do not consider oral statements, and not everyone is ready to make a written one.
If the person is of age
Before doing anything, you still need his consent. In relation to minors, their consent to intervention is not considered, because the child cannot correctly assess the existing danger to own life, health, well-being. During my entire practice, not a single child received a call asking for help. And no matter how much one would like to think that there is simply no need for children to call the helpline number, unfortunately, it is known that this is not the case. This simply means that the child does not fully understand that he is being beaten, that domestic violence is being committed against him. He may consider this parental education, a well-deserved punishment, etc. Moreover, adults usually say exactly this to their little victims. There was only one case when a 16-year-old girl called and spoke about the sexual abuse committed by her own father.
She only dared to call when she was 16 years old, while this had been going on for a long time... That is why we, adults, are simply obliged to monitor such cases and develop zero tolerance for violence in our society.
Kazakhstan has not developed a program to combat aggressors or to work with them. They are also different. There are those for whom conversation is enough. And there are those who need forced drug treatment, they are mentally unstable, they are very easy to lose their temper. You need to work on all this, adopt Foreign experience, look for your own solutions.
– How to convince victims of domestic violence to seek help?
– Any person wants to have someone close to him, to live in marriage, as one family. This is a natural desire. But often people do not see boundaries in this
aspiration. For them, the phrase “my husband/my wife” means too much, and they are ready to endure anything to keep it. They do not understand that the fact of violence affects health, the atmosphere in the home, children, their psyche and future life. If a child sees throughout his childhood a certain pattern of relationships between the aggressor-father and the victim-mother, he will believe that this is exactly the norm. Girls will believe that they can allow themselves to be treated this way and that they must tolerate mistreatment, while for boys aggressive, violent behavior will be the norm,
which in the future he may well try on himself. Thus, the state loses full-fledged members of society.
When talking with victims, you need to be able to convey to them the full danger of their situation, tell them about possible consequences, which will await them in the future if the situation does not change. Such consequences of beatings and constant stress can include neuroses, stuttering, nervous tics, serious psychological disorders and other health problems, both physical and mental.
When a person begins to understand this, he most often listens to common sense. You can act differently. For example, if I am a neighbor and systematic beatings are taking place behind my wall, I, as a resident of this house, have every right to report too loud sounds, noise, screams from the neighboring apartment that disturb me and disturb the peace.
– Please tell us about the Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan.
– The Union of Crisis Centers of Kazakhstan is a voluntary association of legal entities registered on March 26, 2000. This is a professional network that unites
16 organizations from 11 regions of Kazakhstan, including 4 non-governmental shelters providing temporary accommodation for victims. Specialized crisis centers provide free counseling, psychological and legal assistance to persons affected by domestic violence,
if necessary, refer victims to medical institutions for assistance and further rehabilitation. In addition, employees of crisis centers can conduct preventive conversations with perpetrators of domestic violence and carry out awareness-raising activities to prevent domestic violence.
“The work is aimed at preventing gender-based violence and all forms of discrimination, creating a culture of non-violent relations in society and creating an effective mechanism for the influence of the public, in particular members of the Union, on the content of policies and decisions made by state authorities and local self-government bodies at the national and local levels
on the problem of preventing domestic violence in Kazakhstan, in accordance with basic international human rights standards, including the principles and provisions of the UN Convention on the Elimination of All Forms of Discrimination against Women. One of the strategic directions of the Union’s activities
is the monitoring of national legislation in the field of protection of human rights from domestic violence at the national and regional levels and the preparation of alternative reports.”
(http://www.telefon150.kz/about.html)
– What kind of help can crisis centers offer?
– This includes legal assistance, psychological assistance, preventive work, and the provision of shelter if necessary. People are different; for a certain psychotype, a consultation is enough so that a person can understand everything and deal with the situation on his own. Others need support and, above all, psychological help, while others need a shelter to temporarily shelter and put their affairs in order. Women with children can stay there from one month to six months.
To be placed in a shelter, you must contact the internal affairs authorities or the local police inspector with a statement that domestic violence has been committed against you. This is the main problem - a person can be accepted into a state shelter only after a written application, and they must have documents on hand (for NGO shelters this is not required condition). Unfortunately, it often happens that a person does not have documents with him. For example, I ran out battered wife in the middle of the night on the street in one nightgown, what kind of documents are we talking about, it would blow our minds. She needs to return home to get her ID with a local police officer, and not everyone will do that either. And it happens that husbands destroy documents - burn, tear, hide them.
The disadvantage of such shelters is that they only provide shelter; if a person simply comes there for advice, they will not provide it there. But in my personal opinion, shelters are the ultimate goal. It is much more important at this stage to develop psychological services. In our country, things are still weak with this; we need to deal more deeply with this issue. General actions should, in theory, reduce the level of domestic violence, but this is not happening. We don't have any activity indicator. Even the law is called “on prevention”, not on suppression.
Zhanar NURMUKHANOVA, lawyer,
President of Taldykorgan Regional Center
support for women:
– If you become aware of violence in someone else’s family, if someone you know or close to you finds themselves in such a situation, then try to tactfully tell the victim about organizations that you can contact (police,
crisis centers). It is almost impossible to get out of such situations without professional help. If it is not possible to talk to the injured person, then it is necessary to call the police, since police officers have certain powers.
– Is it possible to act behind the back of a victim of violence?
– In criminal law there are such definitions as cases of public prosecution and cases of private prosecution. So, cases in which there is domestic violence are classified as private prosecution cases, and a statement from the victim is necessary.
– Is it really necessary to intervene? After all, sometimes it happens that the victim is satisfied with everything and does not want to change anything.
– One of the main principles of human rights organizations is the principle: do no harm. We must inform, change people's consciousness, raise for discussion this problem, assist in improving legislation. But do not interfere in someone else’s fate, deciding everything at your own discretion.
– What laws can people who have been subjected to violence rely on?
– According to Article 73 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Republic of Kazakhstan:
1. Obscene language, offensive harassment, humiliation, damage to household items and other actions expressing disrespect for persons in family relations with the offender, violating
their peace of mind, committed in an individual residential building, apartment or other dwelling, if these actions do not contain signs of a criminal offense punishable act, - entail a warning or administrative arrest for up to three days.
2. The actions provided for in part one of this article, committed repeatedly within a year after the imposition of an administrative penalty, entail administrative arrest for up to ten days.
3. Actions provided for in part two of this article, committed by persons to whom administrative arrest in accordance with part two of Article 50 of this Code does not apply, entail a fine in the amount of five monthly calculation indices.
Note. For the purposes of this Code, family and household relations mean relations between spouses, ex-spouses, persons living or living together, close relatives, persons
having a common child (children).
– What steps need to be taken to be able to achieve justice and punish the aggressor?
– Know your rights, file a complaint with the police or a crisis center, where a professional lawyer will provide legal support.
– What needs to be done to protect yourself from the aggressor’s revenge?
– Apply to the court for a protective order. More information about this can be found in Article 54 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Republic of Kazakhstan:
Establishment of special requirements for the behavior of the offender
1. When considering a case of an administrative offense, at the request of participants in the proceedings on an administrative offense and (or) internal affairs bodies, the court may establish special requirements for the behavior of a person who has committed an administrative offense, provided for in Articles 73, 128, 131, 436, 442 ( part three), 461 of this Code for a period of three months to one year, providing for a full or separate ban on:
1) against the will of the victim, search for, pursue, visit the victim, conduct oral, telephone conversations and enter into contact with him in other ways, including minors and (or) incapacitated members of his family;
2) acquire, store, carry and use firearms and other types of weapons;
3) minors visit certain places, travel to other areas without the permission of the commission for the protection of the rights of minors;
4) consume alcoholic beverages, narcotic drugs, psychotropic substances.
2. When establishing special requirements for the behavior of a person who has committed an administrative offense in the field of family and domestic relations, for the protection and protection of the victim and members of his family, the court in exceptional cases has the right to apply for a period of up to thirty days a measure of administrative legal influence in the form of a ban on the person perpetrator of domestic violence, live in an individual residential building, apartment or other dwelling with the victim if this person has another dwelling.
3. During the period of validity of special requirements for the offender’s behavior, he may be required to appear at the internal affairs bodies for a preventive conversation from one to four times a month.
– How to behave and talk correctly with victims of violence in order to convince them to seek help?
– A victim of domestic violence, as a rule, is in a stressful situation, emotionally and psychologically depressed, therefore a qualified psychologist or a person whom the victim trusts should negotiate and talk with the victim.
– What to do if you know that a child is a victim of violence?
– Report to the guardianship authorities, juvenile police and crisis center. Children do not understand the difference between punishment and domestic violence, as a result of which they become victims, or vice versa, it happens that they pretend to be a victim in order to
escape punishment for a crime. This requires a very subtle and professional approach.
– How often do victims of violence turn to you for help?
– Unfortunately, very often. At the consultation level, up to 120–150 calls per month. Often these are the same people who decided that the rapist would change and returned to him.
- The most difficult question. It is very difficult to give any specific advice and recommendations, because situations can be very different. First of all, the only way to combat domestic violence is to ensure that every offender is punished for the crime. Impunity gives rise to new crimes. If women who find themselves in situations of violence stop remaining silent and “crying into their pillows,” left alone with their misfortune, and turn to law enforcement for help, then defeating domestic violence or at least significantly reducing its scale is quite possible. Today I would advise women who have experienced domestic violence to contact crisis centers, call the helpline, where
you can get the necessary information, find out what can be done in such cases, where to turn.
I recommend that mothers of young girls talk more about possible dangers, teach their daughters about relationships with men, and teach their sons how to respect women.
List of crisis centers where you will receive psychological help free of charge:
1. Center social support Dana family.
Advisory, psychological, legal and legal
support in family and household issues.
Tel.: 266-28-98.
2. PF Center for Social and Psychological Rehabilitation and Adaptation
for women and children "Spring".
Pre/post-divorce conflicts, psychological counseling.
Tel.: 396-19-38, 396-42-40.
3. Black Sea Fleet “Crisis Center “Girlfriends”.
Psychological counseling for victims of domestic violence.
Tel.: 298-46-77, 298-45-85.
4. Center for Academic and Practical Psychology.
Tel.: 258-20-35, 229-46-99.
5. Psychological clinic.
Tel.: 261-68-20, 272-48-32, 272-57-14.
6. Helpline at the Akimat of Almaty.
Counseling on suicidal thoughts.
Tel.: 329-63-93.
