Hello, dear friends!
Close people sometimes act badly, causing enormous trauma to a person’s consciousness. The motives for the actions of each of us are determined by the degree of development of our worldview, education and principles.
If the picture of a behavioral model is not correlated with our understanding and expectations, then it will not take long to wait, hiding in the heart for a long time.
It happens that people, because of one wrong act, cut off all ties and contacts with a friend or parent, forever harboring a grudge against a previously trusted person. As a result, any attempts to establish contact become fruitless. Is it possible to forgive betrayal? How to rid yourself of soul-tearing experiences and the habit of living in past, painful memories?
Trust is an unshakable confidence in integrity, sincerity and purity of intentions loved one, which is expressed in relationships between individuals.
Having violated this harmony, it becomes unbearably difficult to return to the previous status of a warm relationship. Trusting after being stabbed in the back is a million-dollar test!
As if out of luck, angry expressions, your emotional echoes of what is happening, constant questions creep into your head: “ how and for what?”, which complicate the situation and suppress the resentment deeper and deeper, locking it somewhere in the boxes of the subconscious.
How to survive meanness and re-establish a connection with an individual who has stumbled in her decision? How to learn a lesson from the incident and start living again, letting go of the past?
What do grievances lead to?
A person who has passed through painful and bitter moments must understand and be aware of the negative emotions being maintained. The force of their destruction has a huge impact on the psyche, nervous system and the entire health of the body.
The desire for revenge is a ticking time bomb. The pain carried inside will sooner or later break out of the shackles and cause damage of such force that subsequently the person may be ashamed of what he has done.
By bringing himself to the height of passions inside, the individual loses control over his life. The meaning of his thinking becomes the desire to cause harm, so that the individual realizes the full depth and bitterness caused by betrayal.
Such punishment promises a refraction of the way of thinking. By responding with evil to evil, a person equates himself with the offender and completely turns off logic and reason. This leads to physical or moral damage, which sometimes promises more global problems in the life of an ex-loved person.
Living in the past is stupid. If you are unable to influence the situation, then what is the point in your world to start hostilities with an individual who acted as she saw fit or who did not sufficiently think through all the consequences of her actions?
Accept the situation and forgive
The main problem is that people cannot come to terms with what happened. They try in every possible way to prove to their opponent why he shouldn’t have behaved/acted/thought/said that way.
Betrayal is one of the most unpleasant experiences you can go through. It happens due to many reasons: a partner’s betrayal, a friend’s deception, the habit of pushing lies wherever necessary.
But, as practice shows, you shouldn’t shoot from the shoulder! You need to understand the logic and motive of an action before putting your horn against the fence and interpreting your truth and truth.
Forgiveness is the most powerful tool that is given to people. It can heal the soul and make you look at an event from a completely different angle. What needs to be done to get out of the whirlpool, anger and rejection of reality?
1. Take control of yourself in “unemotional hands”
The first thing to do is try to calm down and push your emotions aside. Of course, I understand how difficult it is to do this, especially for people who tend to react emotionally to any incidents in life.
But just because you create chaos and panic, sowing chaos, enlightenment will not come. It won’t get any easier, but you will only exhaust your nerves and make sure that the desire to understand what happened has disappeared. And the phrase " let it all go!“will be able to drag you into a completely different direction of development.
2. Analyze the situation
Think logically and reasonably about why or in the name of what did the person do this? Throw your beloved Ego a little further and think not only about your feelings, but also about those that other people experience! After all, the sun does not only revolve around you.
Stop looking at yourself as random circumstances and yet another injustice. Perhaps what happened is your fault? Ignoring, lack of attention, problems in communication, etc. d.?
3. Listen and be heard
In order to objectively perceive the real picture, you need to listen to all points of view. The most important thing is to find the courage and willpower to talk after a conflict. Because you silently swallow the insult, and then run around with it like a fool with a written bag, it will not become easier for anyone, including you.
Give the opportunity to explain, listen to the answers, exclude accusations! In any case, this has already happened, and waving your fists after a fight is bad manners.
4. Forgive yourself and the person!
Give the person an opportunity to correct the mistake. Give yourself a chance not to lose the ability to trust people again. Of course, I can’t promise that the old trust will return. You can't mend a broken cup. And at the same time, you can maintain communication and a normal human attitude towards the individual.
5. Move on with your life
After forgiveness, you will be able to choose in what status you are comfortable remaining - friends, loved ones, acquaintances, comrades. But the most important thing is not enemies! This is already wonderful news that over time, it will transform into something more, if you decide so. Be reasonable, friends!
That's the point.
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See you on the blog, bye-bye!
Cheating on a loved one is always a terrible shock for his other half. Faced with such a situation, a person experiences a terrible shock, depressing feelings and unbearable pain from betrayal.
How to live now, is it possible to forgive the betrayal of a loved one, how to accept the fact that he was close not only to you, but also to someone else. Is it even possible to forgive betrayal, and if so, how long will it take?
Let's try to figure out what betrayal is, what is its difference from betrayal, and how to get rid of the grievances caused by betrayal with minimal losses for yourself.
Treason is betrayal.
It doesn't matter whether you jump into bed or slowly crawl into bed.
Larisa Andreevna Guzeeva
Treason or betrayal - how to tell the difference?
In relationships between a man and a woman, many different conflict situations can occur.It also happens that they have only recently started dating, but an invisible connection has already been established between them, which determines the need not only for simple communication, but also sexual contact.
This is felt especially strongly at the moment when young people in love begin life together (in a so-called civil marriage) and they have certain responsibilities towards each other.
Each of the established couples expects a certain development of the relationship. A woman expects that they will end in marriage, but representatives of the stronger sex do not always expect that their civil marriage with their beloved will end with official registration in the registry office. And if, in this case, betrayal suddenly occurs on the part of a man, then it can most likely be classified as betrayal.
I distinguish between betrayal and infidelity.
Cheating concerns the body, infidelity concerns the soul.
Christina Kofta
The fact is that by invading a girl’s life, a man in some way changes her usual way of life. For his sake, the lady adjusts the timing of her favorite activities on weekends and changes the schedule of her own free time.
A woman expects the same behavior from her lover, but it often happens that her expectations are simply not met. Men for the most part do not want to change their usual way of life for the sake of their beloved woman, and this is a very unfair quality for their beloved. Indeed, why should she sacrifice her life principles for the sake of love, and he will continue to live as before, without sacrificing anything?
But the whole point is that men are built a little differently. They are not used to limiting themselves in something and losing freedom. Appearance new girlfriend and sex with her in the presence of a permanent woman is not taken by men as treason. They reason like this: “What kind of betrayal is this, I’m not married?”
The woman interprets the whole situation with betrayal differently: “Yes, we have not formalized our relationship, but we are already close to each other spiritually!” And men have their own answer to this: “we cheat physically, but spiritually we still remain with our beloved.”
Experts in the field of building and maintaining family relationships advise couples to discuss such situations together in order to understand what awaits their relationship in the future. It is likely that the sex that the man had on the side was nothing more than a coincidence, and it left the stronger sex with only annoyance and disappointment.
Quite possibly something else. The young man does not see anything reprehensible in sex on the side, and does not rule out the repetition of such situations in the future. And in this case, the woman most likely should decide to end the relationship. Alas, this guy could not see in her the one and only beloved with whom he would be ready to go through life together. Only separation will help save the future peace of both representatives of the couple, and the self-respect of each of them.
Reasons for cheating on a loved one
Under no circumstances should one look for any justification for such masculine actions as deception, betrayal and treason. But from a psychological point of view, one can find some explanation for such actions.
There are several psychological reasons that push a man to cheat:
- The need for love, formed in childhood, is neurotic in nature. Some boys in childhood do not receive from their parents the love that they need.
Let's say that the mother simply did not have enough time to play with her little son, pay him more attention, and give him maternal affection. The child was in dire need of mother's love, but did not receive it at all or received it, but not enough.
Solve the shortage problem parental attention V childhood very difficult, so the boy, growing up, transfers it into adulthood and tries to solve it there. It is through cheating that an adult man tries to get the love that he lacked as a child.
Initially, he receives it from one woman, whom he calls his one and only. But then this becomes not enough for him, and he finds himself another lady of his heart. As a result, the representative of the stronger sex receives twice as much tenderness and love, thereby making up for the deficiency of parental love.
- Loss of interest and attraction to your lover. Starting to live with one woman, a representative of the stronger sex initially receives both physical and moral satisfaction from this.
But over time, one gets used to the partner, and, as a result, the relationship cools down and loses interest in the beloved. The partner is no longer so attracted to the man, since he cannot surprise her with anything. And at this moment he begins to look for new experiences on the side, trying to plunge into a new wave of emotions and impressions with another woman.
It is extremely important for men to constantly be confident in their own strength, sexuality and irresistibility. And if he doesn’t feel this with his previous partner, then he can only get new emotions and impressions with a new sexual partner.
- Oversupply parental love in childhood.
Raising boys in childhood is often done not only by mothers, but also by grandmothers. As a result they get female attention and love in great abundance, and they become addicted to them.In adult life a man, on a subconscious level, tries to simulate the same situation that he had in childhood. For such an individual, the attention and love of his wife must necessarily intersect with the attention of his mistress.
In modern psychology there are many techniques that can solve such problems that arise in family life. But before you decide to forgive your lover for cheating, you should visit a psychologist to find out about the real reasons for your loved one’s betrayal.
Is it worth forgiving the betrayal of a loved one?
Before deciding whether to forgive betrayal or not, you should hide your own emotions deeply. It will be very difficult to do this, because after such a betrayal everything will seethe and bubble inside you. After betrayal, you will be overwhelmed by a hurricane of feelings, when resentment is overwhelmed by anger, despair is replaced by an aggressive state, and the desire to break off all relations with the traitor is replaced by fear of loneliness.IN in this case you should be more collected than ever, showing all your composure and steadfastness of character. Not the best option will be influenced by negative emotions. You should sit down, calm down and sensibly assess the current situation, and then accept the only the right decision regarding whether you can forgive your lover for betrayal or not.
To do this, you should ask yourself a few questions:
- What will happen to you if the cheater suddenly disappears from your life? How serious will the separation be for you personally, for you and your child (if you have one).
- What happens if the traitor still remains a part of your life. Will you be able to maintain your relationship with your cheater at the same level, will you be able to forgive the betrayal and even improve your relationship with your lover? Do you gain anything by forgiving your cheating spouse?
Try to answer all these questions for yourself, even if you don’t want to touch on painful topics. It is advisable to make a list of the pros and cons of forgiving infidelity. This will promote acceptance the right decision, based not on emotions, but on logical reasoning. And after compiling this list, it is worth making a decision about forgiving or not forgiving the betrayal.
Decide for yourself whether you can live with a person next to you, knowing that he can betray you.
Treason is a whip that hits you only once - at the moment when you find out about everything.
All subsequent time you will cut yourself with it.
Evgeniy Panteleev
You should also pay attention to the behavior of the man who cheated on you. What feelings does he experience, does he repent, or is he trying to shield himself? By observing the person you have allowed into your heart, you can understand a lot about his personality. But do not forget that truly noble, brave and strong people have the ability to forgive.
Even if a person, in your opinion, is very bad, he still has the right to a second chance. It's not as scary as it really seems. It’s paradoxical, but it often happens that it is betrayal that further strengthens family bonds, making a man and a woman happy and their relationship harmonious.
According to statistics, 3 out of 4 men cheat on their wives. Every fourth woman on this list can consider herself happy and lucky. But what should the other three deceived spouses do? In fact, each situation is individual, but there are things that should never be done, and there are also points that cannot be ignored. What to do if cheating on the part of your husband does occur?First stage: Control of emotions
When a woman’s betrayal of her beloved man becomes obvious, she is overcome by many feelings, all of them negative: pain, resentment, fear. In the first days, a woman is driven by precisely these emotions, which are multiplied by the desire for revenge. This is where it is very important to keep your feelings under control. You need to accept the fact that betrayal has already happened. This event cannot be changed. Under no circumstances should you “go all out”: go on sprees, drink until you pass out and sleep with any man who wants it. Yes, this can help a lot a short time, or to be more precise, until the morning, but time will pass, emotions will subside, and shame for one’s behavior can poison life for a long time.
You need to distance yourself from the problem, but in such a way as to preserve your dignity. The best way- go somewhere to relax. If you can’t leave because of work, children, financial reasons and other difficulties, then you should start visiting theaters, cinema, and exhibitions. Art, oddly enough, can make a person forget about pain for a while and turn his thoughts in a different direction. It will also help to meet people who are easy to communicate with and who are also capable, if necessary, of playing the role of a “diaper-type vest,” and if not necessary, just not prying into your soul again.
During this period, you should not get hung up on the fact of betrayal, engage in soul-searching and curse your husband to the seventh generation. This will not change the situation, there will be no relief, it will only worsen the pain and resentment. If it’s unbearable, it’s better to cry, roar from the heart, driving out all the negativity from yourself and making room for positivity and a new life.
Next stage: Transformation
Even if a woman always takes care of herself, additional investment in her image is simply necessary! After all, after her husband’s betrayal, a woman is subconsciously tormented by the same questions: “Am I really worse than her? Am I really that unattractive and uninteresting?” In this case, nothing increases a woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence more than the compliments of other men. You can change your hairstyle, clothing style, update your wardrobe. The main thing is not to resort to such drastic changes that do not correspond to the woman’s character.
A multi-colored mohawk on the head and a miniskirt will require changes in both character and behavior, and this will require additional vitality, which are already in short supply in this situation. Therefore, it will be quite simple to improve your image by adding a few bright and eye-catching accents.
Final stage: Life is the same, but the values are different
When the emotions subside and the pain dulls, you need to analyze the situation: what caused the betrayal? If the problem is that the man he loves is simply promiscuous, and endless affairs on the side are the essence of his nature, then the woman needs to draw the appropriate conclusions for herself and avoid relationships with this type of man in the future.
If the reason for the betrayal was the woman’s behavior, her lifestyle, then you need to decide for yourself: either change something in yourself so that the situation does not repeat itself, or understand that nothing needs to be changed, and the beloved man was not the one for whom he is worth it. sacrifice oneself. It is also necessary to understand that every woman, first of all, must love herself. You need to learn to be selfish from time to time, of course, not to the detriment of the family, children, but so that for some time the whole world lies at the feet of a woman, and she feels like a queen: a little capricious, a little arrogant, but desired and loved.
Revenge for my husband's betrayal
Having discovered the fact of her husband’s betrayal, the woman, under the influence of emotions, decides to take revenge on him. With revenge, she tries to prove to her lover that she is also free to do as she pleases, and in this case we are talking about sexual contact with another man. This idea is very bad, because it will bring nothing but an even greater feeling of guilt and devastation from within. Having entered into sexual contact with another man, the lady will then only be tormented by the thoughts “why am I better than my beloved, the same traitor.” Such self-deprecation often deals an irreparable blow to a woman’s pride and self-esteem.
Despite the fact that revenge has taken place, the cheating offender seems to have been punished, and you have proven to everyone that you still retain your attractiveness and sexuality in the eyes of the opposite sex, from now on you will have to live with a feeling of guilt towards your loved one, constantly looking away when talking to him.
In general, the situation with betrayal will repeat itself, but now in a mirror image, and now you will have to beg your lover’s forgiveness for the betrayal. Think about whether you need such a state of affairs when inside, in your soul, the fire of resentment for the betrayal of your beloved guy has not yet died out? It is likely that you do not need a second betrayal.
Is there life after a loved one's betrayal?
Suppose that after the betrayal of your beloved man, you managed to overcome grievances and forgive him for such an offense. Mutual understanding has been restored to the family, and the betrayal itself is forgotten. Very often, betrayal only benefits family relationships.
Couples in love are becoming even closer and dearer friend to a friend. Overcoming adversities and troubles together brings a man and a woman closer, making their marriage only stronger. Marriage statistics show that if spouses in a family have experienced infidelity and overcome the adversity associated with it, then their union can well be called strong and reliable.
This may seem incomprehensible, but after experiencing betrayal, spouses begin to trust each other much more, and the fairer sex suddenly begins to feel more confident. We can, of course, say that the past ordeal changed both spouses. And, of course, the betrayal was only confirmation that the love between these two is truly real.
The situation is completely different if your lover, after cheating, begins to irritate you incredibly, and your soul is constantly tormented by doubts as to whether you will be able to live and communicate in the future with this person.
In this state of affairs the best way out there will be a separation, since only with its help can one try to maintain calm and restraint towards each other.
For such people, close, family and, especially, family relationships become impossible, but you can maintain friendship and continue to communicate with each other (for example, for the sake of a child). Moreover, it will be much easier to do this without preserving family relationships, but by parting like civilized and adult people.
Undoubtedly, after all these squabbles are over, a woman will have to draw certain conclusions for herself, and pay attention to the following data:
- What kind of underwear does she wear at home, what does she wear when relaxing?
Every self-respecting lady should know that it is lingerie that makes a woman sexy and attractive in the eyes of a man.
Most women know about this, but over time, a certain relaxation occurs and self-care fades into the background. And completely in vain!
- You should look at yourself carefully in the mirror, assessing it with an outside glance.
How do you look in front of your loved one when there is no need to do makeup and hair when going out, so to speak, in public?
- How regularly do you maintain your own physical fitness? Do you go to a swimming pool or gym?
If you don’t have such activities in your life yet, be sure to start doing them. You can even enlist the support of a friend (or friends). This will allow you to combine sports activities that are beneficial for your figure with friendly communication.
- If there are children in your family, then they should be protected from discussing the unpleasant relationships of adults.
On the contrary, you should constantly emphasize that you love each other, and, of course, dote on your children.
What does it mean to survive betrayal?
Many psychologists use the concept of experiencing betrayal. Ordinary people who find themselves in such a difficult situation do not understand what it means to survive betrayal, what should be done for this?
There are several important rules here:
Is it possible to avoid cheating in the future?
Cheating cannot be considered the reason for the breakdown of your relationship with your other half. This is rather a consequence.
It wouldn’t even occur to either spouse to cheat just like that. First, there is some discord in the relationship, and only then against this background does betrayal occur.
Even if it seems to you that the betrayal occurred for no apparent reason, then you are deeply mistaken. Perhaps you simply missed the moment when family relationships took a negative turn.
Unfortunately, until now experts have not been able to find a universal recipe that would help many couples avoid infidelity. For each individual case it is worth looking for your own solution to the problem. But how can you recognize the alarm bell that signals that love has begun to crumble?
Despite all the nuances, there are several important levers that will help spouses avoid cheating. True, you should learn to use them correctly.
1. In family relationships, you should never tolerate disrespect towards your partner.
Many married couples make a huge mistake, sorting things out with each other in a raised voice, uttering insulting and not entirely flattering words towards each other. Knowing about their weak points, they “hit” each other where it hurts the most. It seems to many that after reconciliation, all these offensive phrases spoken in the heat of emotion are forgotten. But no, the words, unfortunately, do not return back to their authors, but remain in the souls of those to whom they were addressed.
Alas, respect in this scenario completely disappears, and, as you know, without respect you cannot talk about harmonious development relationships between lovers. We can say that betrayal becomes the logical conclusion of outdated love.
2. You need to constantly monitor your appearance
No matter how much family partners love each other, they should not forget about their own appearance. No matter how strange it may sound, it is appearance that plays one of the main roles in the relationship between a man and a woman.When a representative of the fairer sex stops caring for herself, her man, on a subconscious level, begins to look for a more attractive object for courtship on the side. No, love for your wife, of course, does not go away, but men, as you know, love with their eyes and want to see an attractive woman next to them.
3. Don’t allow indifference in relationships
Partners in family relationships often forget to show due attention to their loved ones and do not look at the happy and unsuccessful moments in the life of their other half.The spouses seem to be confident that they have love, but at the same time they experience a certain indifference. What kind of love can we talk about in this case in a family where everyone is for himself? And in relationships where there is no love, betrayal often becomes a natural phenomenon.
4. Constantly fight for your own love
The nature of betrayal can be completely different. Sometimes they can only be provocations of ill-wishers, and sometimes even ordinary inventions of their own.
If you really have feelings for your partner, fight for own love. Even if it is too painful and unclear how you can continue to live with a person who could betray you, do not forget that in our life all situations can be interpreted in two ways.
Try to look at the situation from a different angle. It is likely that the current crisis will become a new stage in family relationships, which will only strengthen them. If you have the strength to forgive your lover (lover) and return old feelings, then, without a doubt, you will be able to find your family again.
“I don’t know what will happen to me if you stop loving me! I'll probably die! - loud and familiar words that people in love, young and not so young married couples say to each other. Beautiful vows and promises eternal love, delicious breakfasts, warm evenings over tea... And suddenly everything ends. And you realize that a person dear to your heart has betrayed you.
Betrayal is, of course, a severe blow to both self-esteem and the subtle mental organization, but still it is not fatal. Lack of oxygen, insane resentment, the desire to immediately hurt a loved one just a day ago. Many people are familiar with this feeling. After some time, a person tired of grief is faced with several questions: is it possible to survive betrayal and how to do it, forgive or not forgive betrayal, how to move on. We'll figure out.
Is it possible to survive betrayal and how to do it?
If this question nevertheless arose before you, then it is possible that that same youthful maximalism is still speaking in you. Of course, you can survive. Everything is real, believe me. This is very painful, I understand you, but life does not end there.
Accept the situation. What's done is done, don't redo it. The person accidentally or intentionally stumbled. And even so that you found out about it. Don't think about it, don't try to understand, analyze. Thoughts about this act of your loved one will drag you even further to the bottom of depression.
Allow yourself to be an unhappy person for a few days. Emotions must have an outlet. Without resorting to alcohol and other harmful things. Break dishes, cut curtains, tear photos, scream, cry, talk to loved ones, demanding support, you need it now.
Take a break. You need to find something you like, change your surroundings, perhaps change your style of clothing, hairstyle, hair color, even your eyes (lenses).
Don't become isolated. Chat with friends and relatives, make new acquaintances. The four walls of a house are the most ungrateful advisers, especially if everything in this house reminds you of past pleasant times.
Become aware of the fact that the person is not dead. Everything can still be changed. It is worth tearing out your hair on your head only when pieces of earth fall on the lid of the coffin, and until that moment any situation can be resolved.
So we come to the question of whether it is possible to forgive betrayal and how to regain trust.
How to forgive the betrayal of a loved one?
Our grandmothers and great-grandmothers said this: “The sword does not cut off a guilty head.” A man came with repentance, forgive him.
Is it worth forgiving - of course. Whether you want to maintain any relationship with this person in the future is another matter. It all depends on the situation. There are millions of scenarios for such a conflict.
You have been together for many years. Your soulmate is going left, and you will know about it. Whether the person told you on his own or you found out from girlfriends, friends, or from the homewrecker himself is not important. The fact itself, the deception was revealed. The loved one apologizes, asks for another chance, or asks for forgiveness, but says that it was an absolutely informed decision and the affair can be ended. The main thing is honesty.
If you experience deep feelings even after this news, it makes sense to try to build a new relationship, forgetting about this situation and never remembering, because it will not bring good to anyone, and it can easily destroy you, first of all. Forgiveness is destiny strong people. Without figuring out how, with whom, just forgive and forget, continue to live and love.
If your significant other announces a breakup, but there is a fire in your soul and you are not ready to part, then you will have to remember folk wisdom: “You won’t be nice by force.” Forgive and let go. This is a way out of the situation. There is no need to fall at your feet, beg, or put pressure on your conscience. The person has already decided everything, accept his decision and let him go. The main thing is not to harbor anger and resentment. It won't be easy, but you can do it. This way you can prepare your heart for a new relationship.
Unfortunately, man is very weak by nature, and anyone can take a wrong turn. The most difficult question that may arise is: how to regain trust? If you managed to forgive, save your family, your feelings, then the thought of a relapse will still live somewhere subconsciously. Books and the Internet are replete with sayings: “Betrayed once, betrayed again!”, “People don’t change!” and so on. Don't think about it, don't read bad advice. Let go of the situation. If you managed not to destroy the world after the news of betrayal, and preserve love, then live it today, tomorrow... No need to guess ahead.
There is an interesting technique. Remember yourself as a child and your parents. A broken cup caused anger or sadness, but this did not make you anyone in the life of your family. And perhaps your mother hid the cups higher up, fearing a repetition of the situation, but you also tried not to upset your beloved parent anymore.
If you step back and look at adultery through the eyes of psychologists, it turns out that the cause of the offense lies not only on the surface: everyday life, habit, novelty, etc., but also in the human psyche itself, in the oscillatory processes of the cerebral hemispheres. When the relationship between the hemispheres is stable, a person is characterized by stable behavior. When disrupted, mental processes become impulsive.
Cheating, according to psychologists, refers to the actions of impulsive (or unstable) people. After all, when a person is under the influence of an impulse, he cannot behave differently. In addition to acute positive outbursts, negative ones appear - the desire to lie, be jealous, deceive, which ultimately leads to infidelity in a couple. A balanced person does not see the need to do this, although he is also not immune from adultery.
But there is also back side. If the first of the pair has an impulsive psyche, and the second has a stable one, and if the latter is not aware of the opposite of the first, he subconsciously creates an intolerable psychological situation that entails deception.
How to understand the intolerability of a psychological situation? A person with a stable psyche perceives the real picture of the world; he is in constant search and creative work, that is, it evolves. A person with impulsive mental processes is susceptible to illusory perception. This creates a kind of internal conflict that both are unaware of. Stability will definitely try to balance instability, and the first will try with all his might to pull the second to his level. Moreover, this will happen at the expense of the strength of one and without much zeal on the part of the other.
A partner living in illusions may at first try to prove his love, play the role of a balanced one, but in the end this will only lead to the fact that “pulling up” on highest level will turn into humiliation and insult. This is where jealousy, deception and the desire to lie take their roots. The end point is a love affair with another person. So, in addition to superficial reasons, there is also a hidden psychological reason why a person betrays - an unconscious desire to prove his worth to a too “correct” partner.
Is it possible to forgive the betrayal of a loved one based on such behavioral processes? A stable psyche will immediately grasp the nuances and make a choice: accept your loved one as they are and try not to create “unbearability” or take care of a promotion psychological level impulsive with the help of a psychoanalyst. The second way to resolve the conflict is possible only if the latter wants to get rid of illusions and look at the world more realistically.
For a balanced person, a casual relationship is not a form of betrayal, therefore it is quite possible to receive forgiveness for betrayal. But the impulsive person’s answer to the question: is it worth forgiving betrayal will be formulated somewhat differently. More precisely, a reaction is expected here rather than words, since a person is capable of:
- Be deeply offended and depressed.
- Cheat in revenge and make up excuses, shielding yourself.
- Cling to the role of “victim”. This way he will prove how pure and innocent he is compared to the “correct” one.
- He will leave forever, slamming the door. Perhaps he was waiting for an opportunity to get rid of the discomfort that was created by others.
Almost all psychologists have one common opinion about infidelity: it is one of the most serious traumas with which human psyche very difficult to cope with. The deception of the one whom he trusted the most causes pain and depression, the inability to look at the world soberly, and starts an endlessly rotating carousel of questions: “Should we forgive betrayal?”, “What if it happens again?”, “Or maybe he doesn’t not my person in life? Even an accidental mistaken connection can destroy strong and long-lasting relationships.
When experiencing mental stress, people succumb more easily physical illnesses. Wives who have been betrayed suffer from female diseases. Husbands are overtaken by alcoholism, which also has a detrimental effect on health.
Coming to your senses after an event is extremely difficult, but even more difficult is the decision itself what to do with your soul mate - forgive or leave.
If your loved one packed his bags and went to live with his mistress without much discussion, everything will be resolved by itself. Here the conditions themselves dictate what to do next - gather your will into a fist and learn to live in a new way. Well, or think through tactics on how to get your partner back.
And if the unfaithful repents, begs for forgiveness, swears that he did not want to betray, then it is more difficult - the choice has to be made by the one who was betrayed, the responsibility for the decision: whether to forgive the betrayal falls on his shoulders. To give a final answer, it is necessary to abandon hasty conclusions and do the following:
- Cool down, return to a calm state
- Wait for the period when the mental wound stops bleeding
- Step back from what happened to soberly assess the situation
It's easy to say - you might think, but it is very important to set your priorities correctly. If the one who cheated really wants a second chance, then he will definitely give you time to recover and agree to wait until you are ready to talk. A quick temper or a depressed state will not benefit anyone in the couple.
'Cause one more helpful advice about whether to forgive an unfaithful person - live a little apart (one or two weeks).
During this period, you can determine how bad your life is without a loved one, or vice versa - how good it is when betrayal does not remind you of itself, looming before your eyes all the time.
How to make a choice: forgive or leave?
A conscious answer to the question: is it necessary to forgive betrayal does not appear immediately. The psyche must go through several stages of “digestion,” and this requires time.
When a little time passes, the event no longer comes to the fore, it is easier to cope with it, and it becomes possible to think clearly about whether to forgive the betrayal or not. Now is the time to initiate straight Talk. But, attention! Hysterics, scandalous tone and ostentatious performances with throwing things away are automatically left out of the conversation. It is better to focus on discussing the following points:
- Circumstances under which the unpleasant event occurred
When finding out, you must turn on a cold mind and listen to your partner’s words, and not your feelings. After all, during a conversation they can slide down to the initial level and overshadow sober perception. What is important to find out here? If the event happened while you were drunk or because you were not around for a long time (instinct played a role, winning over reason), then the chances of being forgiven increase. If the affair with another person lasted a year or more, the situation changes - the delusion turns into a cruel deception, and the chances of being forgiven decrease. Think about how well you know the person you trusted for so many years, as well as yourself, and is it worth forgiving betrayal in this case?
- The attitude of the cheater to his action
Is there remorse and how high is the level? this feeling for the one who changed - this is what is determined by the following. When a person is indifferent and insincere, you will immediately understand it. He will PRETEND that it’s hard for him, PLAY repentance, assent and TRY in every possible way to please you. Eyes are the mirror of the soul, look into them, they will say everything instead of words.
- Intentions regarding you
It happens that the person who cheated does not need forgiveness. He betrayed on purpose, and then he himself made sure that the second of the couple found out about what happened. It is clear that the traitor’s intentions regarding his family are not serious. The priority is a new passion, and therefore any reason for separation is a relief. The person was simply afraid to take responsibility for such a serious step and shifted it onto the shoulders of the already suffering party. It’s another matter when the person who cheated really needs you, your family, forgiveness and offers to choose the punishment that will atone for his guilt.
What to do with the information received?
When the situation has become a little clearer and a new portion of painful information has been digested, it is time to decide whether to forgive or not. If you remain in limbo and don’t know what to do with a traitor, perhaps the following tips will help you decide. So, it makes sense to grant forgiveness if:
- Adultery is a one-time and only serious offense in the entire life together. When a couple really is two halves of a whole and both, living in absolute harmony, have always felt this, then parting is simply a sin.
- No matter what the traitor is, he is still dearly loved and the partner cannot imagine his future life without him.
- The one who is betrayed depends entirely on the one who betrayed. This refers to the financial side. There are cases when the wife is a housewife, and the children have not yet reached the age when they can provide for themselves. Here betrayal fades into the background, remaining not forgiven, but living together continues due to circumstances.
- You are one hundred percent sure that this will never happen again.
There is no need to forgive betrayal when
- They repent of their actions, but are not responsible for their similar actions in the future. An honest confession is good, but from now on you will have to worry about every minute. What is the point?
- They shift the blame onto another, arguing that he is a bad family man or lover.
- It’s not the first time they’ve changed, and accordingly, it won’t be the last.
- They admit that they are madly in love with their lover or mistress and do not intend to break off the relationship. To the question: “Why do you still live with me?” - they answer that they are afraid to make mistakes in the new, lose the old and be left with nothing.
- It turns out that he has been living with two families for a long time and cannot decide with whom it is better.
There are also cases when a traitor’s mistake becomes a reason to dot the i’s for the deceived. Perhaps the marriage was no longer working out anyway, faded love has long turned into a habit, there is no point in torturing yourself further, and the reason to separate arose by the will of fate.
And it also happens that forgetting about such an incident is completely out of character. Then no circumstances, relationships or intentions will be able to help the cheater.
Analyze, compare, draw conclusions
Cases from life show that the consequences of adultery in every family can be completely opposite. After all, people’s reactions and conclusions depend on their upbringing, childhood complexes, temperament, mentality and other factors. These factors also influence what future awaits people who decide to forget about the trouble and move on with their lives. Let's look at examples of behavior and turn of events after making a mistake in other people's families. People can:
- Without understanding or listening to the other side’s version, they break off the relationship, but after a while, waking up, they want to bring the other half back.
- There are marriages where the question: is it possible to forgive betrayal is not even considered. They simply turn a blind eye to betrayal and live according to the principle “take a walk and come back.”
- Others endlessly believe and hope that this was the last time there was betrayal. The infidel, in turn, swears allegiance to the grave, but then does the same thing again.
- For still others, adultery becomes an incentive to work on oneself (both externally and spiritually). The injured party does not take on the role of a victim, but is actively engaged in restoring the family, which in the end it succeeds.
- Still others file for divorce, despite a one-time mistake, small children, etc. As a result, they find a second husband/wife and live happily with them.
- And there are also those: they forgive the wrongdoing, they themselves beg the unfaithful not to abandon them, and after a while they realize that they cannot live with the humiliation they have experienced - the traitor constantly reminds of it with his presence.
But what to do in your case - forgive or leave forever - is up to you to decide. You will certainly have your own unique example of the further turn of events.
Most importantly, remember that honesty, love and trust in each other are the foundation of marriage.
If one of the bricks is removed, the house will crumble. And restoration will require patience, inspiration and a mutual desire to build anew. Would you forgive an infidelity if you knew the other person wasn't willing to work on the relationship in the future? If yes, then get ready for the fact that you will have to do the work yourself, because the other one will let them take their course and will continue to have affairs “on the side.”
And vice versa, you should not think about forgetting betrayal when the person who stumbled realizes his mistake and takes full responsibility for it. If there is love and honesty, trust can be restored over time.
