When parental love is poison for a child. Hyperprotection and overcontrol - Psychologist. How overprotection harms a child

Two people talking:

- Still, parents are strange people...

- Why?

- First they teach us to walk and talk,

and then they want us to sit and be silent. (c)

Every time there is an impulse caused by some events in life. So I got the motive to write this post about the relationship of parents with their long-grown children. Everyone knows that life arises through fusion. But it continues solely due to separation processes that begin at the cellular level, and from a certain age move to psychological level. The birth of the baby and the cutting of the umbilical cord is the first significant stage of separation. Further, several more similar stages can be noted: the first independent step, the first lesson, the teenage crisis and, finally, the beginning of independent adult life. The process of growing up is not easy and is often accompanied by family crises. With normal growing up, the power of adults over a child decreases every year, their authority is lost, but this is not always the case... Often, the parents of an already “fledged” independent person cannot let their chick out of the nest. They continue to care for and control their beloved child, giving him a lot of strength and attention, but at the same time introducing all sorts of prohibitions and restrictions. Meanwhile, the overprotected child is completely deprived of the opportunity to learn to fly and overcome the difficulties that arise. It cannot gather its thoughts and act in difficult situation, constantly hoping for advice and help from their parents. Any hindrance makes him completely unadapted and helpless. This exaggerated desire of parents to take care of their over-aged child is called overprotection.

Hyperprotection (synonym: hyperprotection) [Greek. hyper - above, over] - a style of relationships in a family in which a child, regardless of his age, is overly cared for and controlled. At the same time, his independence and initiative are suppressed, and personal development slows down. Growing up in conditions of hyperprotection leads to increased level egocentrism and irreversible violations in the form of personal infantilism, lack of responsibility, decreased social adaptation.(With)

Here are three traditional methods of hypertrophied guardianship:

1. DEprivation of the right to make decisions.

Mom and Dad “know best”! At any age, children are assigned the role of only executors of decisions made by their parents. What and where to study, what profession to choose, who to communicate with and who not to, where to live, what to wear, where to go on vacation, etc. Parents do everything to prevent their child from developing his own decision-making mechanism and responsibility for decisions made and actions taken.

2. DEPRIVATION OF THE ABILITY TO DO YOUR OWN BUSINESS INDEPENDENTLY.

The entire life of an already matured person passes with the active participation of his guardians. They interfere in relationships with friends and lovers, meddle “with their rules in someone else’s garden,” and give advice here and there. They dictate when to get married, when to get divorced, and when to have children.

3. EDUCATION OF HYPERCAUTION.

Even healthy and non-weak children, especially males, are accompanied almost everywhere. So that, “God forbid,” no one offends, teaches something bad, etc. and so on. They do everything to ensure that the adored and, as a rule, only son becomes a cowardly infantile.

Through overprotection, it is much easier to make a person deeply unhappy than to make him happy. This has long been noticed and reflected in folk art, because in many countries there are fairy tales about Cinderella, in which the evil stepmother loads the unfortunate stepdaughter with hard work, while her dear and beloved daughter is doing nothing. But in the end, the stepdaughter wins, who marries a handsome and rich prince, and the unkempt lazy woman turns out to be of no use to anyone “overboard” from life. Overprotection by parents of matured children is also scary because they, without realizing it, suppress any need to believe in themselves and test their own strengths. The person under guardianship is unable to make any decisions independently. After all, his parents always decide everything for him. Most often this happens in families where they are raising one child, especially if this is a long-awaited or late child. If a descendant is difficult to achieve, his importance in the family begins to be “overestimated.” It is possible that a new mother and father copy the behavior model of their parents: if they were overprotected, they believe that this is exactly how any responsible parents should behave.

Of course, overprotection occurs unconsciously. As a rule, parents really love their child, worry about him and want to completely control the space around him, thinking that this will be better for him. Typically, this style of parenting is characteristic of authoritarian women who consider the child their property. Such women successfully fulfill the role of a loving mother while the child is small and completely dependent on them. Among fathers, the tendency to overprotectiveness is much less common. In addition, it is the mother who is the enhanced guardian, since she has the ability to manipulate the “umbilical cord energy”, due to which the mother’s words of resentment are often heard thousands of kilometers away. As you know, any offense is manipulation. A special type of overprotection is found in mothers with hysterical character traits, pretentious, seeking recognition at any cost. The means of this is the child, whose achievements are emphasized and highlighted in every possible way. At the same time, an aura of exclusivity and often a cult of permissiveness is created around the child. In fact, care and love are external, demonstrative in nature, designed more for the admiration of others, for a public effect, than for the real satisfaction of the emotional needs and age-related needs of the child. Overprotection here often compensates for the lack of affection and love, first of all, of the mothers themselves, who may have been unloved in their early childhood...

How to recognize maternal manipulation?! Here are their main signs and consequences:

There is no full contact with the mother, inability to communicate, and often dialogues cause irritation.

There is bitterness because your mother has no respect for your own values ​​and decisions.

The mother does not recognize your chosen one or chosen one, does not accept your circle of friends and criticize people who are close to you.

There is a lack of freedom, an inability to separate your life from your mother’s without losing her love.

There is a lack of mutual understanding, which manifests itself in the form of constant nagging and criticism of everything and everyone from the mother in your life. At the same time, there is a gnawing feeling of guilt because of my mother’s constant insults.

You have to hide your true self, be cunning and pretend to be perfect, which would satisfy your mother, thereby abandoning your personal plans and aspirations. Or consciously use lies as a means of self-defense from the endless introduction of the mother into your life.

Cases of trouble in your young family are associated with disappointment and conflicts due to the relationship of the mother with the daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Conflicts and quarrels with your chosen one or chosen one arise mainly after communicating with your mother (her incitement), but if your mother does not interfere in your life, complete harmony and mutual understanding reign in your relationship with your loved one.

There come moments of great distress due to the fact that your mother is not able to understand your pain and disappointments; sometimes you want deep understanding from your mother of your problems that are no longer a child.

Excessive dependence on your mother has made you infantile, which is especially evident in her presence and interferes with the development of relationships with the opposite sex.

Often you have to be indignant at maternal egocentrism, both openly and quietly, silently, submitting to it. Other family members may also suffer from this.

Another reason for overprotection is the inertia of the parental attitude: when an already adult person, to whom serious demands must be made, continues to be treated as small child. In this case, the parents - wonderful, educated, intelligent people - manage to create serious problems for their child, which become aggravated with the appearance of a loved one in his life or when he tries to form his own family. Parents still treat their son or daughter like a baby who needs to be constantly monitored, citing the fact that they “only want the best.” Not understanding that the chosen one or chosen one of their son or daughter is afraid like fire of pressure from other people's parents, they indicate how to run the household, how to act in a given situation. There is constant pressure from above: “there is only one mother, but there are many women”, “we will die in a nursing home”, etc. Thus, the child becomes a hostage to the situation, the parents’ inability to let him go on his own, and their disrespect for him as an individual. It gets to the point where he's afraid to accept financial assistance from parents, because doesn't want to be obligated to anything. On the other hand, he cannot help but accept it (even if he does not need it and earns enough to resolve any issues), since this immediately entails resentment “we mean it from the bottom of our hearts, is this how we raised you.”

Especially serious damage is hypertrophied parental care affects the development of male personality and character. And even if a young man realizes his problem, tries to break free from excessive care and sincerely believes that the meaning of his life is his own future family, he, as a rule, is no longer able to feel like an active participant in family relationships, who is responsible for so that every member of his own family (wife and children) feels good, but continues to passively wait for solutions to all his problems from the outside. Thus, the authoritarianism of parents prevents the development of independence in him, contributes to the formation of selfish and infantile traits, which ultimately ruins his life. There’s nothing worse when a girl marries such a “mama’s boy.” It turns out that she is starting a family not with her husband, but with his mother, she is looking for reliable support in the family - but it turns out that her chosen one clings to his mother’s skirt all his life. Moreover, such a painful attachment to parental family does not leave room for new, emotionally rich relationships of his own. If a man is a diligent son of his parents, it is difficult for him to be a full-fledged husband to his wife, especially in cases where the wife does not want to play a secondary role. It is not for nothing that the Bible says: “A man will leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife; and the [two] shall become one flesh.”

It is obvious that overprotection is a grief for both parents and offspring, and that the umbilical cord must be cut on time - both physical and psychological. But the question arises: is it still possible to mature age separate from your parents and at the same time remain good with them, trusting relationship? Probably, if desired, nothing is impossible. But for the separation process to be successfully completed, such a desire must be mutual - both the child and his parents. The initiative to grow up always comes from the child, and if parents perceive the changes that are taking place too keenly and do not even want to try to understand and accept them, there is a high risk of failure or a complete break in this relationship. Separating from your parents, limiting their influence and interference in your life does not mean destroying your connection with them. This means “rebooting” your relationship, establishing contact between “adults and adults” based on mutual understanding and respect. Finally, recognize the right not to meet parental expectations, not to be responsible for the situation in the parental family, not to give them emotional “debts,” and not to feel guilty. But also! Allow them to be who they are - demanding, critical, “wrong,” imperfect. And both sides must finally admit that everyone has their own path, their own values, their own decisions and their own right to make mistakes, not to organize hostilities, not to cross boundaries, not to consider that anyone owes someone anything, not use each other to fill the inner emptiness or give meaning to your life, and just be glad that you have each other, even if they are imperfect and not without sin, but the closest and dearest, most importantly, alive and healthy, and that there is still time, to tell each other how grateful we are for everything, and if something is wrong, then ask each other for forgiveness!

P. S. My dear and beloved MOMMY, and although you have been watching me from heaven for a long time, I never cease to thank fate that you are the most best MOM in the world - gave me life! You always supported me in everything, trusted me and respected my choice. It was thanks to your endless parental wisdom and understanding that I grew up so independent and independent, I was never afraid to take responsibility and constantly strived to be the best in everything. You are always in my heart, MOMMY! Thank you!

Parental love– a necessary condition for children's happiness and healthy development of the child. However, there are situations when it does not bring benefit, but harm to the child. This is aboutoverprotection And over control over children's life.

HARM OF OVERCARE FOR A CHILD

Overprotection or overprotection. What could possibly be bad about this? The child is constantly taken care of, he does not need anything, he has the best piece, often has everything one can dream of, he does not know difficulties.
What suffers most from excessive care is arbitrary or volitional sphere child. The will is formed in difficulties; if there are no obstacles in the life of a child or teenager, the will will not develop. A person who grew up carefree will be powerless in real adult life; he will often give up and look for help, and his parents will grow old and will no longer be able to protect him from hardships.

In addition, one should not confuse care and love for a child. Excessive care for children damages their development, for which it is necessary to cultivate in children independence, responsibility, and the ability to care about other people and think about them.
Excessive caring deals a powerful blow to empathy (the ability to empathize with another person), kindness, philanthropy and self-realization, giving rise to selfishness. Worth focusing Special attention and consider the mechanisms of death of the possibility of self-realization in overprotected. During crisis 3 years is happening psychologist ical birth of man, stands out" I ". With the correct development of a 3-year-old, we very often hear from him:"I myself." This is how he asserts his" I ", psychologistWhen physically separated from the mother, the invisible umbilical cord must break. U overprotected children do not have such an opportunity to defend their own" I ". The umbilical cord, which should psychologist Typically rupture at 3 years of age, sometimes does not rupture until old age. The child is forced to live the life that his relatives have predetermined for him, and he comes to terms with this, because the temptation when all decisions are made for you, and a well-fed, joyful life is guaranteed to you, is very great.
In such a dependent child, the true desires and needs, they not only decide everything for him, but also want him. In the future, it will be extremely difficult for such people to realize their talents and abilities, and the need for self-realization gradually fades away.

ROOTS OF HYPEROPECA

Many parents and grandparents, however, understand all the harm from their excessive care, but cannot do anything about it. And for that, there are certain psychologist ical reasons. Desire A mother's excessive care for her child, protecting him from everything that could cause him any inconvenience, comes from an unsatisfied need to be loved, from a lack of love, affection, care on the part of her husband or from dislike in her childhood. By caring for her child, she compensates for the pain or discomfort of not having her needs met. Wish« Dedicate your life to your child», giving up your own dreams and needs also arises when you need to fill the emptiness within yourself, to drown out the despair of loss and loss.
Often, an entire family, including grandparents, puts the newborn child on a pedestal, places special hopes on him, and treats him almost like a messiah. Why is that? Unrealized abilities and potentials, unfulfilled desire to achieve something in life ( social status, realization of talents, to work according to calling) lead to the feeling that our child is special, he must be very protected, like a porcelain vase, and demand from those around him that they do not cause him the slightest discomfort, because he is the one who will fulfill all their dreams and aspirations, everything something that could not be realized. He is our family idol, our hope for a happy future. And no one will think about what kind of child, whose mission is to compensate for the failure of his parents or grandparents? He also begins to treat himself as exceptional. But exceptional people cannot adapt to kindergarten and school, especially to secondary school. Private institutions, clubs and development centers with small staff and sometimes specialists who fawn on children, unfortunately, do not contribute to social adaptation, development of communication skills, compassion and philanthropy in these children.©The author of the article you are now reading, Nadezhda Khramchenko/

More rarely, reasons overprotection V family traditions which are inherited from generation to generation. In such families, it is customary to raise one child in the family, allowing him everything, protecting him from any difficulties. Overprotective mothers are often lonely, have suffered, and may be prone to hysteria or dominance in the family.

OVERCONTROL OVER A CHILD

Overcontrol over a child sounds in many ways more threatening than overprotection, but these two concepts have a lot in common. Overprotective, fearing for the life of her child, controls her very much. The main difference is that overprotective relatives are overly concerned, and over-controlling They decide everything for their children, including which club to study in (i.e., imposition of interests), what profession to choose, who to marry (about adult children). Their overcontrol only in extreme cases accompanied by directive requirements (« You will do this, period»), more often over-controlling, precisely in those situations when their child should take the initiative, at least express his wish, they do not allow them to do this, make decisions for their children, give them advice and/or actively act in their place. Thus, like wax, they mold their children into uninitiated, helpless people who depend on them and on the opinions of others. Very sad... And it seems to them that everything they do is out of love for their children.
At the age of 3 - 4 years, a child for his normal development it is very important to give the opportunity to take initiative, not to criticize what he does of his own free will, but rather to encourage him. Under such conditions, he will grow into an enterprising and creative person. Over-controlling a parent deprives his children of the joys of creativity, activity, initiative, will, and the possibility of self-realization in the future. He sincerely believes« I love my child very much, I know how to grow up, he will do what I think is necessary, because I know how to raise a child correctly so that he does not make mistakes, and then he will tell me for it" Thank you ". In practice "Thank you" over-controlling parents wait their whole lives, call their grown children ungrateful, and without waiting" Thank you " die in complete oblivion by their children, never understanding“Why do they do this?” True, sometimes from overcontrol Another scenario may develop when children accept the rules of the game of their parents, their control. And only God knows what kind of personality humanity lost in this process.

ABOUT OVERCARE AND OVERCONTROLLING PARENTS

I repeat, overprotection – this is over-concern and has nothing to do with strong love to your child. Overcontrol over the lives of their children, as a rule, is explained by the best intentions, the desire to protect their offspring from mistakes, but in the end it turns into a barrier from a full life, and grown children very rarely speak for such a parental approach" Thank you ".
Firstly, it is important for parents and grandparents to realize that their wishes overprotect And overcontrol will bring nothing but harm to children. Secondly, analyze the reasons for your motives to raise super-special children, protect them from difficulties and responsibilities, make decisions for them, or, conversely, follow their desires and shower them with gifts. Possible options the reasons for these desires are described above. And then, the most difficult thing: to let your child go, giving up the idea that without you he will not survive and will make many mistakes, give him the right to make mistakes and gain his own life experience, gain wisdom, realize his talents. Understand your experience– it is very valuable, but this is your experience, and your children should have their own, which they will get by getting burned and hurting themselves, learning from their own mistakes.
And finally, the most pleasant thing is to take care of yourself and your life: live for yourself, do what you have never done but dreamed of, immerse yourself in work or have a variety of relaxation and entertainment. Arrange your personal life, give yourself an attitude - to become happy in it.©The author of the article you are now reading, Nadezhda Khramchenko/

Excessive desire overprotect or overcontrol often comes from a strong fear of loneliness, fear of being abandoned by one’s children. Still, loneliness– This is a part of life, very useful and necessary. Without loneliness it is impossible to achieve spiritual maturity and adulthood. If you let your children live their full life, you will be a wonderful friend to them, a close person who can be trusted, you will never feel abandoned and abandoned, because they will need you as a good friend, soul mate, and not as in a person who was not given the opportunity to learn to walk and serves as crutches.
Parent's love– love is downward, giving, demanding nothing in return. The best reward for parental love– children's happiness. Overprotective And over-controlling Parents, as a rule, do not receive such a worthy reward for their parental work. Maybe you should reconsider your children's parenting styles?

Can help you with this psychologist. You can make an appointment with me. Initial consultation is always a diagnosis with collectionpsychologistlogical history of the parents, diagnostic conversation using various techniques with the child and recommendations for parents. Possible, if necessary, correctional classes. They are very affordable in price and organization (at the child’s home or at a specialist). Details on the page"Services of a child psychologist". You can also get personal parental advice on this problem. in person, By Skype or by phone.

Overprotection is called excessive care for a child, which is expressed in total control and increased attention to him from adults. Even in the absence of a real danger, parents prone to overprotection try to protect the child, do not let him go from themselves, and oblige their son or daughter to act in a certain way, which is the safest from their point of view.

Causes of overprotection

While the child is small and just learning to walk and explore the world, high level care for him on the part of his parents cannot be called overprotection. This is a normal desire to protect the baby from the dangers of the outside world.

If the desire to control the child and his environment in everything persists even after he reaches three, four or five years of age and even after, then we can already talk about overprotection. There are several reasons for its formation. The first lies in the parents' desire to use the child to satisfy their own needs. The child's overprotection replaces the normal paths of self-realization for an adult if he failed to realize himself in the family or at work.

The second reason for overprotection is hidden deeper. It lies in the fact that parents subconsciously experience hostility towards their son or daughter, but, realizing the unacceptability of this feeling, they repress it deep into the subconscious so as not to feel guilty about it. Parents' dissatisfaction and disappointment develop into fear that their hostility or rejection of the child may lead to something happening to him. Such parents think that something terrible will happen to the child because they did not want the child to be born.

Another common reason for overprotection is the inertia of the parental attitude towards the child, when the child is already grown up and completely independent person continue to be treated like an unreasonable and helpless baby.

Almost every adult has moments in life when things don't go well. This could be a divorce from a spouse, dismissal from a job, etc. This is when the feeling of dependence on one’s own child intensifies. The parent clings to the child like a drowning man clings to a straw, trying to fill the void created in life. This takes away children's freedom and right to live their own lives.

Maternal overprotection occurs most often. It appears when single women, disappointed in marriage and family life, completely devote themselves to the child, afraid to once again let him out of sight. For such a woman, a child becomes the only joy and concern that absorbs her entirely, reducing the fear of loneliness. The mother is horrified by the mere thought that something could happen to the child, and therefore protects him in every possible way. The child becomes hostage to the love of such a mother. He feels guilty every time he wants to do the same things other children do - skate, bike, go to the beach, go for a walk late into the night.

A child's passivity and indecisiveness can be caused by neglect, insensitivity and cruelty on the part of parents. But excessive, suffocating love also gives the same result.

Overprotection: is it so bad?

Of course, parents must protect the child. But it is important to understand in time that it is impossible and unnecessary to protect him from everything. Having fallen from a low tree branch, the next time the baby himself will not climb to the very top of his head. Having learned to swim in shallow water, he will no longer be afraid of water and will not drown if he finds himself in an extreme situation involving water.

The task of parents is to assess how ready the child is for a particular type of activity that involves risk. You can ride a two-wheeled bicycle from the age of four, rollerblading from the age of six, and you need to start going to the pool even earlier. Sometimes parents worry without any reason. They feel calmer when the child is completely dependent on them and cannot take a single step without permission. Having to let their child out of the house terrifies them, even if it is necessary and safe. As a result, the child becomes, like his parents, overly restless and begins to experience anxiety unusual for his age. He develops childhood fears.

Consequences of overprotection

An overprotected child is deprived of the opportunity to make decisions independently and overcome difficulties that arise. He cannot collect his thoughts and act in a difficult situation, hoping for advice and help from adults. Any obstacle is perceived by him as difficult to overcome, which makes the child helpless.

The overprotection of parents is terrible because they, without realizing it, stifle the child’s independence, suppress any of his needs to try his own strength. As an adult, such a person will be unable to make decisions on his own. After all, his parents always decided everything for him: who to be friends with, where to go, what to play, what profession to choose, what girl to date. Of course, overprotection does not arise out of malice. Parents are really worried about the child and want to completely control the space around him, thinking that this will be better for him.

Overprotection can awaken in a child the desire to be more independent and self-reliant. In adolescents in extreme form, this can manifest itself in leaving home, in children younger age- in constant scandals and hysterics.

How to find the “golden mean”?

The balance between overprotection and inattention can be very difficult to find. It is especially difficult for parents of an only child who do not plan to have a second child. A balance between being overly caring and demanding independence from the child too early is the goal for parents in their relationship with their child.

All adults have moments when they demand too much from their children or when their love becomes suffocating. All mothers and fathers want their children to stand firmly on their feet, but to do this, they must be able not to extinguish their desire to be brave, strong, and independent. To do this, you need to admit to yourself that your attitude towards the child is colored by your own excessive concern and anxiety. Recognition of a child as a full-fledged personality usually contributes to the normalization of family relationships. If you cannot achieve the effect on your own, you can seek the advice of a psychologist who will correct overprotection.

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Intuitively, everyone understands the meaning of the word “overprotection.” My head conjures up comical images of caring mother hens who wrap their children in three layers of clothing and feed them from a spoon. We laughed and moved on. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Overprotection is no less terrible than neglect of a child, and maybe even more so. At one time I was faced with the question - which family is considered dysfunctional? Sometimes children from wealthy and intact families emerge more crippled and unadapted to life than those from single-parent and poor families.

Hyperprotection is a model of parental behavior in which the child is surrounded by increased attention, control and protection from imaginary dangers.
Why is it so difficult to understand overprotection? Because people of different ages, nations, social status, ideas about norms differ. Plus, not everyone can admit their mistakes, but only those who are inclined to self-reflection and acceptance of responsibility. Loving your child is right, but living for him is wrong. So don't close your eyes to this issue. I won’t provide statistically reliable data, but from experience working with children and their parents, and as a mother, I will say that this problem occurs to one degree or another in almost every family.

Types of overprotection

Conniving. This is a variant of an overdose of love. The child becomes an idol in the family, its center, life and navel. Parents sing praises to the child’s talents, skills, and beauty. Already here it’s worth saying “stop”! This is how a child’s inadequate idea of ​​himself is formed! This is not the path to normal self-esteem, it is the road to collapse and stress. A child accustomed to universal (family) admiration and worship will be severely burned when society meets him - kindergarten, school, university, work. If talents are greatly exaggerated, then expectations will not be met. And the worst thing that relatives continue to do is to stick to their line - “You’re great, but everyone else is stupid, they don’t understand anything. You’re a star, they’re nothing.” Parents must give their child adequate feedback! Let him know that he doesn’t draw very well yet, but if he wants, he can learn, but he solves mathematics great, but the tasks are different and it’s okay if sometimes something doesn’t work out. This is better than blaming teachers for their stupidity and the whole world for cruelty. Pandering overprotection - Right way to the hysterical personality type - high aspirations and ambitions, and at the first failure breakdown. The child will not be able to make decisions and evaluate situations on his own, because he has always been provided with a ready-made solution.

Dominant. To put it simply, the child’s will is taken away. IN in this case they decide everything for him. In the first option, caring mothers and grandmothers come running when difficulties arise; in the second, the child is simply a puppet in the hands of his parents, his life is modeled and controlled by them. Life of rules, prohibitions, conditions and manipulations. To prepare a child for a harsh life, little or no praise is given. Abilities and skills are underestimated. The child is not allowed to participate in his life, because he is “still small”; the parents know better what kind of experience will be useful. Gradually, a psychological merging of the lives of the child and the parent occurs, the child is dependent on the emotions and mood of the adult, children live the lives of their parents. The first type of overprotection is characteristic of the liberal type of education, which is often based on indifference to the child; all interaction is based on the fulfillment of the needs of the parents. The second type refers to the authoritarian one, where the parent himself realizes himself by suppressing the child. This manifests itself even in small things - excessive affection and rituals when saying goodbye, when the child tries to escape or it is clear that this is unpleasant for him. With this type of overprotection, children grow up timid, fearful, infantile, dependent, and have communication problems.

Causes

Overprotection is anxiety. Anxious state of parents, which subsequently infects the child. Reason - psychological problems parents. Work is always carried out primarily with adults, but most of them don’t want to hear anything, because they simply love their child and want the best for him. There is nothing wrong with guardianship; it is bad when it becomes an end in itself. Real love- this is to hear your child, see his needs, take into account his opinion, love him with the love that suits him, respect his boundaries.

Most often, the victims of overprotection are: first children, only children, long-awaited children, last children, those raised by only one parent, those whose older brother or sister died, children requiring special care. As you can see, the list is quite extensive, perhaps I haven’t remembered everyone yet.

Usually mothers are at the head of hyperprotection. Men are less inclined, but not all.
What motivates parents? There are a colossal number of reasons! First of all, personal unfulfillment. Children live the life their parents dreamed of, go to an unloved specialty, study music, ballet, etc. Parents sublimate (psychological protection) their fears, experiences, failures and desires through the child. They dissolve in the baby, make him their project and the meaning of life, give all of themselves, while ignoring the real needs of the child. It happens that overprotection is a kind of revenge for personal failures, or, on the contrary, parents believe that they have a working recipe, their own program for achieving happiness and success. Another option is traditions, this is how the parents themselves were brought up, so they continue this baton. Sometimes grandmothers rule the roost. If there are frequent conflicts within the family on the topic of upbringing, and the views of family members differ, then the child will grow up anxious. Some parents suffer from inertia - they simply forget that their child has grown up and continue to communicate with him as if he were a child. Uncommunicative mothers, single mothers, mothers with problems in their personal lives, melancholic and phlegmatic, dominant mothers prone to hysterics and a thirst for power, perfectionist mothers - these are the most common cases. All fears for health, failure, lack of fulfillment, lack of money, unsuccessful marriage are the personal fears of parents, which they project onto their children.

What to do?

First, you need to understand the scale of overprotection. I repeat, this pattern of behavior occurs in almost all families, just to varying degrees of severity. Asking children directly is pretty pointless. If you have a harmonious and trusting relationship with a well-built feedback system, then most likely you do not have problems with overprotection. IN otherwise the children will be silent. Why? They are afraid of punishment. They think it's pointless and that they won't be heard anyway. They are afraid to hurt you, especially if you use the manipulations “you upset me”, “I will be glad if you sing.”

Therefore, understand yourself and consult a specialist. Don't turn away from this problem. Even if you think that everything is fine with you, please think about it for at least half an hour. Overprotection does not make us bad parents, we become them when we act unconsciously and do not strive to become better. Let you play it safe and make a mistake, but don’t ignore a possible problem.

Consequences

Children will grow up helpless, with an inadequate perception of themselves and the world; they will not be able to hear their inner voice, and those around them. Timid, complex, unsure of themselves, lagging behind in development, not fully realizing themselves, and most importantly - unhappy. With good intentions, as they say...

Of course, each situation is individual, so give general recommendations difficult. If you still find yourself overprotective, contact a specialist. At a certain moment, this house of hopes, tricks and manipulations will collapse. IN transitional age many children dare to rebel, a turning point occurs, conflict is inevitable. Children run away from home and end up in bad companies or they just close. It is almost always possible to restore relationships, but it will require a lot of work and effort from everyone. Some will resign themselves and follow the indicated rails. But then don’t be surprised at the anger, the burden of grievances, dull eyes, the absence of grandchildren and other less pleasant things. There is another option - later, having realized his childhood, your child will have to break himself and rebuild himself.

Instructions

1. Realize the presence or absence of a problem.
2. What is the scale, how does overprotection manifest itself? What personal fears, needs, desires are behind it.
3. Resolve your personal problems. Build boundaries in relation to the child and other members of the family.
4. Accept and understand your child, allow him to live his own life. Give him the right to make mistakes. Be in love. Observe and support.
5. Live harmoniously and happily.

Do you know what the children say? That they lack trust. That they lack the faith of their parents. And in fact, this is what will help change the situation in many ways - trust in yourself, the child, people, the world.

A couple of real observations

“We’ll go to a technical university,” said the mother of a 9-year-old girl.

You probably love dancing? Workout. So many awards... - an English teacher asked her 5th grade student
- I hate dancing and training. I hate everything about it. But my mother said that I can only give them up when I win the championship, because she herself is a winner,” the boy answered.

The story of the same teacher. Her student is a very capable and smart boy. English is going well, but my parents are too controlling and pressured. As a result, the boy protests. The last time he locked himself in the toilet and his parents tried to break the door, and then forced him into the room to study.

You know, when he was born, I was at the peak of success. I was offered this position! But I have a child.. He is wonderful! I do not regret anything! I gave him all of myself, he became my world! - the story of one aging lady. Her son dropped out of university, does not communicate with his mother, and she does not see her grandchildren. And her soul is tormented by resentment for unrealized opportunities.

We all deserve happiness. Therefore, dear parents, love yourself, take care of yourself and your life! Children need you happy. Good luck!

Overprotection is an unhealthy, exaggerated concern for a child, excessive care. Also known as hyperprotection (overprotection, overprotection). Overprotection is manifested in the desire and implementation by parents (usually mothers) of unhealthy increased care for the child, even when the child is not in danger and everything is quiet and calm. It is possible and useful, but excessive care is harmful. The consequences of overprotection over the life of a child can be catastrophic.

Why child overprotection or overprotection is bad.

• • As a result of excessive care on the part of the parents, the child widespread helplessness develops, since the baby is spared the opportunity to make mistakes and correct them, and make decisions on his own.
  • The child becomes unable not only to make decisions, but also to take actions. aimed at achieving results, as he expects help from adults. Among psychologists there is even such a term as “acquired helplessness,” which is characterized by the inability to do anything independently without parental intervention.
  • As a result of overprotection, the child also develops failure to adapt to changing living conditions, inability to react and adapt to new situations, since all necessary actions are taken for him.

• The saddest thing is that all this results in an adult who is raised on the terms of unconditional “leadership”, because his parents always admired the child, he was the first for them in everything, although he did not even need to do anything for this. In addition, a cult of permissiveness was created. In general, as a result of this, a person grows up who is unable to discipline himself, unable to fight, unable to find his place in life, with a lethargic character and incapable of achieving goals.
• The consequences of overprotection or overprotection are primarily in the development of a number of negative character traits in a child: inability to make decisions and take actions, contradictory thoughts and actions, a number of self-doubt complexes, avoidance of any difficulties, “stress” and risk in life.

Overprotection - negative consequences

The worst thing that parental overprotection can give is a constant feeling of anxiety and discomfort for their child. It's like a psychological virus. This is where psychological illnesses arise: uncertainty, ongoing care from risk, lack of normal communication, dependence on anything. Every parent should constantly think about whether his relationship with his child is filled with a constant feeling of anxiety or increased concern. At the same time, if mom or dad can honestly admit to themselves their increased concern about the child and correct it, as a result the family will receive a normal atmosphere within the family.

What is hyperprotection?

• Inert hyperprotection- the child has grown up and should become more mature and independent. At the same time, his parents still treat him like a little child. An older child- more requirements. This is a normal state of affairs. The problem lies in the fact that parents, wanting to take care of their children, are more and more motivated not by caring for their children in essence, but by the need to assert themselves. Roughly speaking, through overprotection, parents assert themselves. The child grows up and the parents begin to panic, as they lose their only source of self-affirmation. After all, when a child grows up and has his own opinion, the parent loses the opportunity for authoritative dominance. When children experience personal growth, it frightens parents and they perceive it as a challenge and begin to react, causing conflict. The result is a complete breakdown of family relationships. Especially dangerous period- This adolescence. As a result of overprotection, a growing person develops perverted concepts of personal growth and self-realization, which once again gives parents a reason to once again become convinced of the child’s supposed immaturity. Then this process drags on for years and slows down the development of not only the child (who is no longer a child) but also his parents
• Demonstrative hyperprotection. This type of excessive care is usually expressed in the demonstrative nature of the parents’ actions in public. That is, parents are more concerned with the external effect of their actions than with analyzing the real needs of their children. Again, the problem comes from the parent who needs affection and love. Therefore, this type of hyperprotection is more often observed in single-parent families where there is only one parent. Or where the parents are already elderly. In other words, the lack of attention and love on the part of the spouse is replaced by the attention of the child.

Where does overprotection or overprotection come from?

• Most often, parental overprotection occurs on the mother’s side.. Moreover, if a girl is being raised in a family, then the mother, wanting to overly surround the child with care, will limit communication even with the father, which will negatively affect the daughter’s character, because every child needs both the upbringing of the father and the mother. However, more often this manifests itself to the son from the mother’s side. If you want, you need to stop overprotecting your son. The mother's overprotection will in the future come back to haunt the son's character when he grows up.
• Mothers with a soft melancholic character are more prone to overprotection, feeling sorry for the child and wanting to protect him from all the difficulties of life.
• In the same time ambitious, active mothers who achieve their goals by any means are also prone to overprotection. After all, even with a child, this is her child, he is unconditionally the first, the best, and it cannot be any other way! Therefore, growing up in such conditions and gradually falling into real world“without a mother”, a person is lost and offended by everyone and everything who does not consider him as such.
• There is also such a thing as demonstrative hyperprotection, when all the care for the child is taken by the parent in order to show the people around him how good and caring he (the parent) is. In this case, the child’s needs are not taken into account at all.
• Inert overprotection- when the child grows up, and the parents continue to demand the same things from him that they demanded from the little one, without raising the bar.
• Fear for the child's future can also lead to overprotection or overprotection. And then in this very future we will be surprised. And all because overprotection has led to the child not being able to do anything on his own. While they vying with each other about how to take care of a child’s health, they do not tell how to raise independence in a child!
• It happens that overprotection is associated with difficult conception, for example. After such a procedure and a difficult and long path to conception, parents are especially worried about their child.

What to do and how to overcome overprotection?

As always happens with any psychological deviation, the problem must first be recognized and consulted with a psychologist.

How can a psychologist help? Of course, for a psychologist to solve the problem of overprotection is a difficult task, since most often such a problem is of an ossified and deep nature. What’s interesting is that parents need to work with a psychologist even more, since the problem that has arisen is their doing (or, more precisely, their heads). Plus, such parents cannot even accept recommendations normally, because even in this they see a threat to their child. The fact is that the specialist will select the care that the parents provide to the child. At a minimum, you must first recognize and identify internal conflicts in yourself, problems in the subconscious, which are transferred to the fate of the child through the actions of the parents.

The problem almost always lies with the parents, so it is necessary to understand your “cockroaches”. Alternatively, start pet so that the child understands that not only everything is for him, but he can also be for someone.