Every mother worries about her child. But quite often this anxiety develops into obsessive guardianship, which prevents normal development. Most this problem concerns mothers of boys, since little men must grow up and become independent, responsible and purposeful individuals. Mothers, being overprotective, performing all the basic tasks for their sons and controlling their every step, deprive their children of the opportunity to become full-fledged individuals who in adulthood could take care of themselves and their family, as a real man should.
How does overprotection affect the formation of character traits?
By taking care of a child, a woman not only drives him into strict boundaries and does not allow him to develop comprehensively, but also deprives herself of the opportunity to live full life, enjoy all its colors, enjoy the achievements of your own son. Mother hens, because of their boundless love and devotion to their own child, in most cases simply do not understand that with their behavior and treatment of their sons they are doing them a disservice, not allowing them to find themselves and their place in this life.
The children of such mothers often grow up as complex, irresponsible, helpless people, who then rush around all their lives in search of their calling, they are constantly tormented by the need to choose between “need” and “want”, since they have not learned to combine business with pleasure. “Mama’s boys” often cannot decide on the choice of a life partner; they always doubt the correctness of their decisions, avoid responsibility and very often shift their problems and concerns onto other people.
How to properly build a relationship with a child?
It’s not for nothing that they say that the lazier the mother, the more independent child she has. By doing all the work for the boy, the mother does not give him the opportunity to learn something on his own.
Note to moms!
Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...
One of the common mistakes mothers make is to criticize the child’s unsatisfactory behavior while when it is necessary not to criticize, but to direct Right way , that is, explain how to act in a given situation. This will allow the child to understand that independence, help and understanding are expected from him, and not just scolded for his bad behavior. You can’t scold your child for the mess and scattered toys in his room, and then take the vacuum cleaner yourself and clean up. The right decision It will happen if, after expressing your dissatisfaction, you calmly ask the child to clean the nursery himself. And it doesn’t matter at all if it doesn’t work out perfectly or not the way you wanted, next time it will be better anyway. By cleaning up after himself, the child begins to realize that he is obliged to do this, that this is also work and must be respected. After such a lesson, he is unlikely to want to scatter toys around the room again.
When a boy reaches a more conscious age, he will begin to notice some differences between himself and independent peers. He will be confused by many little things that his friends cope with with incredible ease, but for him this is a whole science. This circumstance will greatly distinguish him from other children, and the boy will feel inferior.
Adult problems come from childhood
All adult life is literally built on risks. Adults independent people Every day they make a large number of decisions on which their lives depend. When solving any problems, we all take risks, but most of us are confident in a favorable outcome of the situation. Men who were overprotected in childhood are often unable to make serious decisions and take responsibility not only for their loved ones, but also for themselves. It is quite difficult for them to decide on a profession, since they will always be faced with a dilemma - money or pleasure. Dearly beloved sons, even in adulthood, shift all their worries, and even raising their children, to their mothers, who continue to take an active part in their personal lives. Mother hens live their child’s life with excessive care and attention, although they should enjoy their own. By depriving themselves of their personal life, such mothers deprive their children of the opportunity to become happy.
Basic complexes of overprotected children
The biggest complex that overprotected boys have is low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. These qualities do not provide the opportunity to grow in a moral sense, to develop, to become a person, an individual. To avoid such participation of your sons, you should not “cut off their oxygen” and force them into strict boundaries. Give them more freedom, communicate with them like adults. And be sure that they understand you perfectly.
Parents have a responsibility to care for, protect and protect their children. However, sometimes adults greatly exaggerate their own role in the lives of their growing children. They begin to overprotect them. This style of parenting is called overprotection. It is based on the desire of parents to satisfy not only the immediate needs of the child, but also imaginary ones. In this case, strict control is used.
In most cases, overprotection is observed on the part of mothers. This behavior greatly harms her sons and daughters. Boys especially suffer from this. “Mother hen” prevents them from gaining independence, deprives them of purposefulness and responsibility.
If a woman strives to do all the work for the child, makes decisions for him, constantly controls, then this hinders the development of the child’s personality, does not allow him to become a full-fledged person who is capable of self-service, caring for himself and loved ones.
And my mother deprives herself of many joys, spending time on things that are not really worth doing. Her son is unlikely to be able to please her with his achievements, because he will get used to being led and lacking initiative.
Thus, overprotection leads to the following consequences:
1. problems in determining one’s place in life;
2. complex, constant uncertainty, fear of taking responsibility and making decisions;
3. endless search for one’s own calling;
4. problems with personal life, absence family relations;
5. inability to take care of oneself;
6. inability to communicate with other people and resolve conflicts;
7. low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence.
At the same time, mothers rarely realize that they are behaving incorrectly, which has a very negative impact on the boy.
Why does overprotection occur?
When a baby is just beginning to get acquainted with the world around him, the parents’ desire to protect him from all troubles is completely justified. We are not talking about overprotection here. At three years old, adults should give the child more freedom so that he learns to be independent. If strict control is maintained at a later age, then the manifestation of overprotection is obvious.
What are the reasons for its appearance? Firstly, parents can try to use their baby to “fill the void” in life, satisfy personal needs, and feel significant and needed. This is how they want to realize themselves if they have not found other ways for this, or they have turned out to be unsuccessful.
Secondly, sometimes it can happen that adults, with their excessive care, try to drown out true feelings - hostility towards the child. Children are not always born according to the mutual desire of their parents; some have a negative attitude towards their appearance. But then they begin to fear that their rejection may negatively affect their daughter or son, leading to sad consequences. To hide remorse, adults “hide” their disappointment deep in the subconscious, replacing it with overprotection.
Thirdly, total control becomes a habit among mothers and fathers that they cannot get rid of. Parents who take care of the baby from its first days continue to behave in this way even when the children grow up.
Adults must understand that a child is a separate person who must have own desires, requirements, dreams.
To become successful members of society in the future, they need to accumulate their experience, develop personal qualities, be able to make decisions. Parents still won’t be able to live forever, so sooner or later the children will have to live on their own. And without preliminary preparation it will be extremely difficult.
How to get rid of overprotection
Achieving a balance between inattention and excessive care is not always easy to find. It is more difficult for families where there is only one child, and they are not planning a second one. However, it is necessary to adjust your behavior so as not to do a “disservice” to the baby.
How to “change the wrong direction”? To do this, you need to remember a few nuances:
1. First you need to realize that overprotection has a bad effect on children. It will not make them happy, successful, purposeful, confident. On the contrary, it will deprive you of all this. Parents are obliged to imagine how their child will live in the future if he cannot do without outside help. A child’s independence should be achieved gradually, and not alienated from oneself overnight.
2. If adults realized the error of their actions only when their son or daughter had already reached adolescence, then there is no need to continue to build a high wall of endless prohibitions around them. Parental control only causes conflicts and misunderstandings in the family.
3. It is more correct to communicate with the child “on equal terms”, to establish warm relationships based on trust. You need to not only take an unobtrusive interest in their lives, but also share your concerns, seek advice, and ask for their opinion on certain issues. However, you should not demand adult responsibility from your child for his actions. He must be independent, but within reasonable limits.
4. Each person learns more effectively from his own mistakes than from the experiences of others. Therefore, there is nothing to worry about if sometimes the baby makes mistakes, experiences bitterness or disappointment. This is quite natural, and sometimes even useful.
Adults should allow their children to live their lives themselves, experiencing both joys and sorrows.
Proper relationship building
Sometimes being a lazy mom is better than being a mother hen. After all, then the child will definitely not become helpless and weak. If everything is done for him, then he will be absolutely unadapted to adult realities. And if for a girl to be completely independent and independent is important, but not so fundamental, then the makings of a real man need to be formed in a boy from childhood. In the future, he will have to bear responsibility not only for himself, but also for his family, wife, children, and other relatives.
It is not recommended to constantly criticize your child. Sometimes he needs guidance on the true path, explanations and help, and not boring moral teachings. The baby will understand that he is not scolded every time, but is understood and helped, and is expected to be independent.
You cannot first reproach the baby for scattered toys or a torn button, and then eliminate the consequences of his pranks yourself. It is better to express dissatisfaction with the behavior of your son or daughter by instructing them to eliminate the results of mischief. They may not succeed the first time, but then they will no longer have the desire to commit the wrong actions again.
Reaching a conscious age, children, especially boys, will feel their differences from their independent peers. While the latter manage many tasks and little things easily, then “mama’s boys” cannot cope even with basic responsibilities. And this leads to deepening feelings of inferiority.
Thus, parental overprotection greatly harms children, and does not benefit them. This must be realized and taken into account when raising children. The consequences of excessive care negatively affect the development of the child. It should develop responsibility and independence, and not cultivate a personality unprepared for adult realities.
You might also like:
After childbirth, my relationship with my husband deteriorated - how can I restore everything?
What to expect from a woman after childbirth?
A child asks to get a dog or a cat - what should parents do?
The child constantly asks to buy something for him new toy— what should parents do?
The mother-in-law constantly gives advice on how to raise a child - what to do?
Question for a psychologist:
I am 24 years old. I'm almost married (we're getting married in August). Have no children. The problem arose with the mother of my future husband. We live separately and very far from them. We earn our own living. My husband came to our city when he was still a schoolboy. Without a mom or dad, I entered a physics and mathematics school. I studied there myself. She is currently working and finishing her graduate studies. The problems started when he chose the laboratory against mom's advice. As a result, the laboratory was changed (which was quite difficult to do), but my mother regularly added fuel to the fire and bullied him with her reproaches. Literally brought me to tears. She called and always told how she was right and he was wrong. To this day he never misses an opportunity to remind him of this. Further - worse. Then total control began. Constant calls asking where we are. If we say that we are going to another part of the city to a store or a cinema, then she will call how we will get home. Not sleeping. We tried to lie. But when she calls on the minibus, traffic is heard and she has to tell the truth. We tried to talk to them less. But then a problem arises: if for some reason she can’t get through to him, then she starts calling me and telling me how worried she was.
Due to his line of work, the young man is forced to travel frequently on business trips. When it was the first time, I understood her excitement (and yet he is not 5 years old). But this is already the third trip. She requires constant calls. He has to lie that the flight is at a different time, because “how can he spend the night at the airport,” and it pisses everyone off. Him because she tells how she won’t sleep until he calls, and with her experiences of how he “flies, sits there, and how hard it is for him to sit there and she worries.” And me because while she is not talking to him, she is talking to me. Yesterday I couldn’t stand it and told her everything (he had tried to do this before, but in soft form) she didn't understand. She began to make excuses that it was not difficult for her to get up at 4 in the morning so that he would call when he got there, that she would go to bed early.
She can call at an inconvenient moment and cry into the phone, which will scare both of us half to death. It just depresses him. It annoys me a lot. I can't stand such total control from anyone. I really don’t like it when they try to manipulate me with tears. I don't know how to deal with this peacefully. I don’t really want to spoil the relationship with his parents. And I don’t want his relationship with them to deteriorate either. I don’t know what to do and how to help us.
A psychologist answers the question.
Dear Maria!
The phenomenon that you and your boyfriend are faced with is an attempt by a mother to regain a symbiotic relationship with her child, provoked by his marriage and, as a consequence, departure from maternal influence. “When you let go, you can’t come back,” to put it aphoristically. The history of this mother's attitude lies in early infancy. As soon as a baby is born, it needs absolute care and guardianship, satisfaction of its needs and protection in its fears. The mother, satisfying these needs, on the one hand, receiving an adequate response, happily performs the functions of a protector and guardian, herself returning to the post-feeling of her own absolutely protected infancy. It is this dual feeling that gives the mother the illusion of her own omnipotence, which in fact is the basis of what we call “maternal instinct.” In fact, this is the formation of the so-called. symbiotic connection between mother and baby (like two yolks in one egg), which normally begins to break from the moment the child’s first age-related attempt to separate (the period of “children’s omnipotence”, approximately 1.5-2 years) and finally stops with the end of the separation period / integration, approximately 5-6 years.
Your mom young man, obviously, was unable to release her son in time, and controlled his actions throughout his life. When he decided to marry, the threat of his separation became an unbearable shock for her, and she tries to restore the symbiotic connection between them, because, according to her ideas, otherwise she will lose all connection with her child. In addition, the age crisis is superimposed on the situation and it also provokes an existential crisis.
All animals, birds and other inhabitants of our planet take care of their own offspring, feeding and caring for their young and chicks before they go off to adult life- this is how nature works. People are no exception, because immediately after the birth of a baby they become parents, the main ones in the baby’s life. But how to determine golden mean between healthy care and monitoring every step of the child? Let’s figure it out together how far excessive parental care can go.
How does overprotection manifest itself?
Where is the reasonable line between friendly relations parents-children and a pathological desire to control absolutely everything in the child’s life? Some mothers and fathers “forget” that their offspring have grown up and continue to care for their son or daughter like little ones, despite their age.
How to determine that excessive care of a mother or father has become a factor interfering with the growth and development of a child?
This is evidenced by the following:
Desire to protect children both physically and emotionally
There are often cases when parents literally come into conflict with their children’s offenders or try to protect their children from negative information by hiding it or presenting it in a distorted light.
Alleviating physical pain through encouragement
The slightest fall or slight injury causes real horror in such adults. Grandmothers often panic over minor physical injuries (bruises, minor scratches) and smooth out such moments with sweets and other rewards.
Parents' inability to stay out of sight of their children
Children who have reached a fairly independent age (5-6 years old) are not even allowed to be in the next room, let alone walk outside on their own or go visit another child.
Defining strict boundaries
Placing the child within a certain framework regarding his behavior, neatness, friends and all that. A large number of rules irritate children; they have a natural desire to break out of the norms and boundaries set by adults.
Exaggeration of disciplinary measures in case of violation of rules
The rigidity of a father’s control over his son most often manifests itself in excessive adherence to the “letter” of the “law” established by the parent. Innocent pranks or the slightest deviation from the norm stated for the child are punished very severely and without the possibility of “amnesty.” Sometimes parents set up a strict system for reward and punishment.
Transferring the child’s life priorities to one area
For example, studying at school or college. Emphasizing all ideals on study can lead to excellent student syndrome in other areas of life, which in the future will bring a number of inconveniences and complexes.
If any of the listed factors prevails in the child-rearing system, then it is worth thinking about what consequences of excessive guardianship your son or daughter will have to endure.
The intentions that prompt a mother or father to behave this way may be quite natural. All parents, to one degree or another, want to put a fence between their children and the troubles that the world of adults necessarily brings. And often grandparents, mothers and fathers simply do not notice that their children are no longer so small and no longer need care.
It is worth listening carefully to the statement of F.E. Dzerzhinsky, who wrote: “Parents do not understand how much harm they cause to their children when, using their parental authority, they want to impose their beliefs and views on life on them.”
Causes of overprotection of children
When examining the behavior of parents who care excessively about their children, one can note a number of factors that “push” them to this type of behavior.
Fear of loneliness
A mother's overprotection of her son or daughter may be dictated by a fear of old age or loneliness (this is especially true for single mothers). Caring for a son or dominating an adult daughter, some mothers want to guarantee themselves a special closeness with their child, tightly tying them with various everyday and psychological moments, dreaming of never being separated from them.
Excessive suspiciousness of the father or mother
This is another one possible reason problems called “overprotective parents.” The fear of any life circumstances that could cause harm (physical, psychological, emotional) to a baby or toddler reaches such a degree in some adults that they do not allow children to perform a single act or action without their direct participation. “It will get hit by a car, a brick on your head will fall, he will be stolen or taken away in a car” - such thoughts sometimes drive parents to a paranoid state.
Self-affirmation at the expense of the child
Some parents with low self-esteem try to assert themselves in life using their beloved child. Inflated demands, excessive severity and rigidity are the results of mom or dad trying to get results in life that they themselves strived for, but did not achieve them. Custody over an adult son and complete control over the actions of a daughter, who has already become a mother herself, sometimes look inappropriate and ridiculous.
Feeling jealous
A father who controls his grown-up princess may not notice the feelings of jealousy driving his actions. Caring for a daughter may, in its essence, be an elementary reluctance to give her away in marriage, a protest against saying goodbye to one’s little blood and “transferring” her to insufficiently reliable (in the opinion of the parents) man's hands. Such behavior is often found among mothers towards their sons.
Possible consequences of overprotection
If the pressure over an adult son or over an adult daughter does not decrease along with their growth and personal development, then we can expect Negative consequences excessive care. Children under overprotection risk becoming:
- unsure of their abilities;
- selfish;
- unable to adequately evaluate their actions and the actions of others;
- suffering from the inability to make decisions during critical periods of life;
- fixated on their own person and not taking into account other people (which greatly interferes with the construction interpersonal relationships, especially in the family).
Growing up children often blame their parents for putting too much pressure on them, which prevents them from forming partnerships and relationships. trust relationships between them.
Children who have become adults continue to live by the instructions and minds of adults, without being responsible for their actions and actions. Some overprotected children have self-esteem that is either too high (parents overpraise such children) or very low (in “bullied” children). They are prevented from objectively seeing the pros and cons of life circumstances by the “correct” point of view instilled by their parents, deviations from which are simply impossible.
The pressure of a mother over her son leads a man to the impossibility of creating a full-fledged family: he performs all his actions with an eye on his mother. It's a rare woman who can endure this and come to terms with it. Therefore, male representatives of this type can start a family, but do not stay in it for long, returning again under their mother’s warm wing.
What to do?
There are only two options for resolving the problem for children in the case of parental overprotection.
The first option is to accept it
Resign yourself and live comfortably and comfortably, fully following the parental will. But in the event of the death of their ancestors, such children find themselves completely crushed by living conditions for which they are practically unprepared.
The second option is rebellious
It can also often be seen in ordinary life. Having matured, children break free from the care of their parents, which interferes with their development. Unfortunately, this care does not always go smoothly and painlessly for both children and parents.
Sometimes children who have gotten rid of unhealthy parental care often go to great lengths, trying to fill those gaps in life that were under the strictest prohibition.
You can get rid of overprotection only by taking certain actions. Moreover, both parents and children are involved in this process.
Parents who sincerely wish the best for their children, and are not trying to realize their unfulfilled youthful desires, will try not to go too far in showing care. How to reduce guardianship in order to achieve a healthy balance between the freedom of children, the right to develop their personality and control over the actions of their children?
Here are some tips that can be given to parents in this case:
- Do not hush up the negative and boldly tell children about tragedies, accidents, deaths of loved ones, relying on childhood and the ability to adequately evaluate this type of information.
- Give the opportunity to independently make decisions or make choices in a given situation.
- Trust the child and gently adjust the preparation and planning of his free time.
- Do not dictate terms in choosing friends.
- Try to become a friend, and not a strict teacher in raising children.
Children's actions
An open conversation with the possible dotting of all the i’s is one of the main ways that children can escape from the unhealthy care of adults.
You should not express everything you think about this in an unfriendly manner or with a challenge. Having chosen a good time for communication, try to behave like an adult, without resorting to accusations, shouting and raised voice.
Calm, just calm!
Only in the case of a calm conversation with a pre-thought-out plan, there is Great chance that you convey the necessary information to your elders. If your parents' concern is annoying, you shouldn't blame them for it, because, for sure, they are driven by good intentions. Be calm and reasonable so that your conversation remains a confidential conversation and does not turn into another family scandal.
Start living separately
For children who have their own constant source of income, you can simply “separate” and try to live separately. This step is bold, to some extent desperate, but it speaks of the maturity of both the person and the action. You should not completely break off relations with your parents. As the practice of such cases shows, many people greatly regret it later.
Regular meetings and calls will help you not only get rid of possible feelings of guilt towards your parents, but also keep your finger on the pulse of their life, health and psychological state.
Patience and endless respect for the people who gave you life are an option for those children who will be able to accept (and with age, understand) their parents. Not everyone can live nearby, seeing all the negative aspects of overprotection. The choice in all cases is individual.
Overprotection: pros and cons
Every situation has its positive and negative aspects. Every person, be it a child or a parent, has to weigh the pros and cons and decide what to do next.
Positive aspects of overprotection
The basic instinct of all parents is to care for their children. Only loving mom and dad will help the baby and growing child explore the world, discover new boundaries of the unknown, protect them from injuries and dangers that await the child at every corner, share their own experience, teach everything necessary for the child to become independent in the future.
Children who are heavily cared for by their mothers and fathers will not get into trouble, will not commit rash acts, they, as a rule, study well and strive for the goal set, not by them, but by their parents.
Negative points
All this positive sides parental care. But there is also back side medals.
Moments of overprotectiveness that negatively affect children:
- inhibition of the process of independent study of the outside world;
- inability to make decisions;
- fear of the new and unknown.
Parents themselves also suffer from an excess of control over their children - they seem to live their lives, monitoring every step and any relationships outside the family. After the often-occurring “breakthrough” of children from family ties, parents remain depressed. All life sacrificed on the altar of raising children turns out to be in vain...
Conclusion
Guardianship and care of parents should have acceptable boundaries, without becoming vigilant control over everything in the lives of children. You should not dominate your offspring; it is much more productive and useful to build relationships based on partnership and friendliness.
Video on the topic
Overly caring parents see a threat to their heir in everything - he seems to them to be always hungry, sick and pale, dressed inappropriately for the weather, upset due to troubles at school or at work. When children grow up, the state of increased anxiety in parents does not disappear, and with the advent of grandchildren it only intensifies many times over, so that not only the more mature generation, but also the very young generation begins to experience this torture of care. Well, parents don’t want to understand that their children have long learned to cook buckwheat porridge, travel independently on trains, fly on airplanes, and even raise their own children. And they don’t need huge quantities of various supplies, jams and preserves, so that over time the house begins to resemble supermarket shelves.
All parents try to raise their children the way they would like to see them, and therefore choose certain tactics that correspond to the existing type of family relationships. However, excessive parental care develops into its opposite - dictatorship, violence against the child’s personality, although, it would seem, such care is intended only to protect one’s child from difficulties that arise along his way. But what a huge distance separates affectionate participation from this harsh authoritarianism!
What does this all lead to? Weak sprouts of instinctive independence are suppressed, as they say, “in the bud,” and the completely natural “I myself” turns into the almost indifferent “Let my father decide,” “I’ll ask my mother,” “I’ll ask my parents, let them help.” Sometimes, following this path, parents are faced with manifestations of childish despotism, because the child very early learns to play on the feelings of the parents and be cunning, taking advantage of the current situation. Children of overprotective parents are usually selfish and not independent. Boys become typical" mama's boys“, who even after marriage are too attached to their mother and cannot do without her care and advice. It gets to the point that the usual porridge and borscht cooked by the young wife seem different from their mother’s. Girls get married quite late, expecting a fairy-tale prince on a white horse.
Often in adolescence those under their care strive to throw off the yoke of everyday care, which gives rise to family conflicts. Parents, even guided by the interests, as it seems to them, of their own child, should moderate their ardor, since protests and “uprisings” adolescence indicate an uncomfortable family environment for a teenager. Over time, such upbringing can bear fruit, which will result in young people becoming arrogant, difficult to get along with in a team, and excessively demanding (not towards themselves, but towards others). Often children, accustomed to experiencing excessive parental care, cannot cope with the difficulties of independent life, returning under the “parental wing”, at the same time considering their father and mother to be the culprits of their failed family or career, and therefore, in the attitude of children towards their parents, love is mixed with quiet hatred.
What to do in such a situation? Parents should realize their mistakes in time and adjust their chosen educational strategy so that it does not lead to such disastrous results and broken destinies.
