Nature itself provides a special connection between a child and a parent, which is unconditional, unlike other attachments. Why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

The problem of fathers and sons is as old as the world. It would seem that the closest people in the world should understand each other perfectly. But in any family, sooner or later, quarrels break out and misunderstandings arise between parents and children.

Why do conflicts arise between parents and children?

It is quite difficult to trace at what point misunderstandings arise, and as a result, conflicts between parents and child.

A three-year-old toddler desperately screaming at his mother, wanting to have his own way; a teenager at war with the entire adult world, and first of all, with his parents; adult daughter, who herself became a mother, but takes any advice from her newly-made grandmother with hostility... At any age, clashes occur between the closest and loving friend friend's people.

If conflicts between generations are inevitable, maybe they are needed for some reason? Let's try to theoretically imagine that all the children at once turned into kind of obedient angels, unquestioningly listening to their parents. What further developments can we expect?

Happy parents who calmly pass on their own experience to the younger generation, prudent children who take everything on faith and make their parents’ dreams come true. It would seem - an idyll. But how will such conflict-free children exist in society:

• How will they survive without knowing how to defend their opinion, or even without having it, and also without their own experience and their own beliefs?
• After all, how will they raise their own children?
• And most importantly, will such an ideal society develop?

The word “conflict” itself translated from Latin means clash. People's worldviews, goals and motives collide. In a conflict between a parent and a child, their interests also collide. And it doesn’t matter that parents always wish only the best for their children, it is important that their opinions in a particular situation do not coincide.

A competent way out of a conflict allows you to become a little wiser, stronger, and perhaps more generous. From this point of view, conflict can be considered as a step in the evolution of personality.

In any conflict there is a semblance of balance. There are two sides, each of which pulls in its own direction. When it is decided in favor of one side, the other side suffers infringement of its interests, and therefore strong negative emotions.

But by and large, no parent wants his child to feel bad, and the same can be said about the child in relation to the parent. Conflicts are inevitable, it is important to learn how to resolve them wisely.

How to resolve disputes

In any conflict, both sides occupying opposing positions are to some extent to blame. Therefore, the ideal way to solve the problem would be to bring these positions closer together, to take mutual steps towards each other, that is, to compromise.

Unfortunately, in life, not every parent, and especially not every child, is given the wisdom to find this very compromise. Therefore, most often conflicts are resolved in other ways.

The parent is always right

Authoritarian parents believe that you should always insist on your own, regardless of the child’s age and, especially, his opinion. They always know better what to do and act “for the benefit of the child,” but often against his wishes.

They are confident not only that they are right in any specific situation, but also in the method of raising children in general. It is about such parents that there is a joke about the family code:

point 1 - mom is always right;
point 2 - if mom is wrong, see point 1.

For the time being, parents of this kind emerge victorious from all conflicts with their children. As a result, they can get two scenarios:

1. In the first case a child, forced to constantly suppress his desires, gets used to the fact that mom and dad solve all his problems for him. It’s not that he likes it, he just doesn’t know how to do it any other way. The child grows and matures, but remains essentially the same infantile and lack of initiative, without his own opinion and unable to solve problems.
2. Another variant- the child repeats his parents. Since childhood, he has become accustomed to the fact that conflicts are resolved from a position of strength. He considers it normal to achieve his goal at any cost, regardless of other people. While such a child is small, he is forced to obey his parents, but as he grows up, he seems to change places with them. Parents who are too authoritarian risk having many problems with their child during adolescence. And when such children themselves become adults, they usually have a cool relationship with their parents.

Parent is a manipulator

This, so to speak, is a “subspecies” of an authoritarian parent, because he, too, almost always emerges victorious from a conflict. The difference is that he does not act from a position of open force, but in one way or another forces the child to abandon his ideas.

Such a parent does not shout or punish, he either presses for pity or blackmails, in any case cleverly manipulating his child.

No matter how mild such an influence may seem, it is still essentially pressure, as a result of which the parents get their way, and the child gets used to suppressing his desires.

In the future, children raised by manipulative parents have every chance of playing the role of a victim in society. Moreover, some of them actually ignore their desires, trying to please others, while others, hiding behind the role of the victim, themselves become manipulators. As they say, “there is someone to help.”

The child is a winner

There are families in which the cult of the child reigns. His parents pamper him, indulge all his whims, and in the event of a conflict, they simply organically cannot resist him. Parents who are too gentle usually do not have the gift of persuasion. And a child who is not accustomed to obeying is not able to listen to reasonable arguments.

Such parents justify their behavior with love; they live and work for the benefit of the child, while depriving themselves of much (both materially and spiritually).

The trouble is that children do not need parents who literally dissolve in them; children need authority. IN otherwise both sides expect the following:

1. A child in such a family grows up selfish, getting used to the fact that all the best should be for him. As a result, having become an adult, he does not know how to reckon with people and take care of others.
2. Children raised in such families rarely become happy people; they always feel deprived, and even if they are lucky in life, they do not know how to appreciate it.
3. Excessive demands on everyone except yourself usually lead to loneliness. The saddest thing is that the parents who raised such a miracle often find themselves lonely in old age. After all, they have not taught their child that they also need care.

Thus, constantly incorrectly resolved conflicts subsequently entail serious problems and distortions in education. Proper quarrel and conflict is an art that must be learned by analyzing your behavior, trying to understand the other side.

It is especially important for parents to do this, because it depends on them how their children will grow up.

Compromise

Conflicts are inevitable, which means you need to learn to resolve them constructively. The word "compromise", as well as "conflict", is of Latin origin. It denotes an agreement between the disputants.

Correct conflict resolution occurs according to the following scenario - from a clash to an agreement, and in between - steps towards mutual concessions.

What steps need to be taken:

1. Listen to the child. It is important not just to let everyone talk, but to listen and hear each other. If the child is ready for dialogue, you need to listen to him first. The parent, before expressing his opinion, must convey to the child that his problem and position are understood by him. Only after such mutual attunement to each other can a parent try to convey their thoughts and experiences.
2. To tell your opinion. It is very important to let the child understand why this opinion has developed, to explain his emotions and fears. It is very important for a child to trust his parents, he will be grateful for it. Such a conversation in calm tones relieves tension, and the disagreements themselves no longer seem so fundamental.
3. Joint search for solutions. It is necessary to consider possible solutions to the problem, and both the child and the parent can propose. Each option will likely have its own pros and cons that need to be discussed. Options that do not suit both sides are immediately discarded (but they still need to be voiced).
4. Selection and discussion of details. Of all the acceptable options, you need to choose the optimal one that suits more or less both parties. If this was initially the child’s option, he will be more than happy to make some concessions, realizing that, by and large, his decision has been made.

This way of resolving conflicts is not only constructive for a specific problem. It creates an atmosphere of trust and creates the preconditions that the next time the child can ask for parental advice. Ultimately, there are no losers in such a conflict.

Video: Conflicts between parents and children

Our children are our old age. Proper education- this is our happy old age, bad upbringing is our future grief, these are our tears, this is our guilt before other people.

A.S. Makarenko

Having children is absolutely new stage in family life. Of course, for normal spouses, the birth of a child is always a great joy and happiness. As St. John Chrysostom says: “The birth of children became the greatest consolation for people when they became mortal. That is why the humane God, in order to immediately soften the punishment of the first parents and ease the fear of death, granted the birth of children, revealing in them... the image of the Resurrection.”

But no good deed, especially something as important as giving birth and raising children, is not accomplished without temptation. And multiplying a family always brings new difficulties and problems.

One of my friends dad, exhausted family problems, the whims and disobedience of his children, once told me in a moment of despair: “How hard it is with children! It’s probably easier to endure even the torments of hell!” Of course, this was said in a state of passion. I know that this father loves his children, but I think each of the parents has had periods when they wanted to run away from their offspring to the ends of the earth. However, life without children is unbearable and boring. So in our life everything is like this - “sadness coexists with love.”

The topic of child-parent conflicts can be divided into two parts:

• conflicts between spouses over children,
• child-parent conflicts.

Let's start with the first ones.

New family member

The birth of a baby is not only a test, an exam for spouses on their readiness to become a father and mother, but also a test of their feelings. And if the spouses are poorly prepared for this event, even the most long-awaited child can serve as a bone of contention for them. And often the birth of children, instead of further uniting husband and wife, on the contrary, separates them. Why? The blame here is most often mutual. Let's consider several options.

Alienation, conflict between spouses, usually occurs due to jealousy. The husband, to whom the wife devoted a lot of time before the birth of the child, fades into the background with the arrival of a new member in the family. Very often the situation is aggravated by the fact that the wife saw her “first child” in her husband: she took care of him, cared for him and cherished him like a child. And when she became a real mother, her adult “child” was forgotten. The birth of a baby, especially the first, is a very exciting and joyful event for a mother. After all, she, unlike her father, had been in contact with him for nine months. It is not for nothing that the Gospel says that a woman, “when she gives birth to a baby, no longer remembers sorrow for joy, because a man has been born into the world” ().

But this is where many mothers make a mistake. They devote themselves one hundred percent to caring for the child. This also happens due to inexperience, because such a mother is doing everything for the first time, and with her second child she worries much less and wastes mental and physical strength. And now any squeak or dissatisfaction from the baby can cause her to panic. She spends hours ironing diapers, boiling pacifiers and making the nursery sterile. There is even a joke: if the first child drops a pacifier on the floor, the mother boils it, if the second child, she washes it under the tap, and when the third baby is born, she simply licks it.

And in the first months after the birth of a child, some women abandon everything and focus only on the baby. This is completely wrong.

Experts say: “Paradoxically, but true: obsessed mothers who devote all their time and energy to the baby, as a rule, end up with a whiny, painful and nervous child.

Why is this happening? The baby is emotionally very strongly connected with his mother, and if he feels her subconscious desire to spend as much time as possible with him, he will satisfy this desire in all possible ways: waking up often at night, crying every time the mother pays attention to her husband, and in general Don’t let your mother leave you even one step. As a rule, restless children come from parents whose relationships are far from absolute love and mutual understanding.”

So such overprotection causes double harm - both to the child and to the relationship of the spouses. The husband may well develop jealousy and resentment; not seeing his wife’s attention, he will try to console himself somewhere outside the home in the company of friends or by indulging in his favorite hobby.

A child will only serve to unite the family when the parents take care of him together. A woman needs to understand that if she involves her husband in caring for the baby, for example, the husband will bathe him, change clothes, sometimes walk with him in order to relieve the mother a little, then this will not only benefit her (after all, she will have more rest and exercise home), but will also help the father establish the necessary contact with the child, and also strengthen marital feelings. After all, nothing unites people like a common cause.

There is also this option: the husband himself is not ready for fatherhood and does not want to take responsibility and care for the child. He sees that with the birth of the baby, his wife begins to pay less attention to him, and instead of starting to give her affection, love and care to her and the child, to support them, she shows selfishness, and begins to be jealous of the wife of the child.

A woman after pregnancy and childbirth especially needs support and attention. This is a very difficult time for her; it is not without reason that, as a reaction to the enormous stress associated with the birth of a child, many mothers develop so-called postpartum depression. Of course, in spousal alienation associated with the birth of a child, women are also to blame. After all, despite the fact that maternal duty obliges her to devote a lot of effort to the child, she must also show love and sensitivity to her husband, understand that now it may be harder for him than for her, because women, as a rule, are very attached to the baby, and Despite the difficulties, she greatly enjoys being a mother. And a man has yet to learn how to be a father.

So both spouses need to understand that with the advent of a child, they must rebuild their relationship, learn to interact in a new capacity - father and mother.

And the first thing they must not forget: the most important thing now is to preserve and increase their love and feelings, because the most important thing for their child is to grow up in a family where parents truly love each other. Someone once expressed a wise thought: “The greatest thing a father can do for his child is to love his mother.”

Love children

Why do spouses have children? If you conduct a survey among parents on this topic, you will hear very different answers. Someone will say: “Children are our continuation, we want to leave a mark on the earth so that our surname, our family does not disappear.” Or, for example: “We want to have support and support in old age”; “we want our children to realize our plans and dreams that we could not fulfill”; “If you get married, you need to give birth to children: without them, the family will be incomplete.” And all these answers contain some truth. Of course, every family should strive to continue the family line, any parent wants their child to rest in their old age, and many spouses want their children to continue their work and achieve success in it. O greater successes than themselves (although, of course, each person must choose his own path in life).

But the most important motive for having children should be only one - love for children.

This is very clearly seen in the example of large families. Parents with many children are not afraid of any difficulties, economic or housing problems, because they love their children. They know that everyone new baby gives them new happiness.

And when parents understand that the main thing in raising a child and communicating with him is love, then their life and the life of their child will change for the better.

Whatever we do: play with children, teach something, punish them, we must always be guided by only one thing - love for them. And therefore, even if you do not yet have special feelings for your child, you need to make every effort to love him. Without love, the process of raising a child will not make sense.

One day, when I was speaking in an audience, I was asked a question. A young woman, a mother, asked: “What to do if dad has no contact, closeness with the children, communicates little, plays with them?” Establishing friendships warm relations with children is directly related to communication. Of course, this is some work. Overcome fatigue, laziness; When you come home from work, don’t lie down on the sofa with the newspaper, but find time to play with your children and read a book to them. One grandfather I know was worried and complained that his grandson treated him coldly. But the grandson grew up a little, and the grandfather began to communicate with him more, pick him up from school, play football and generally spend more time with him. And the relationship between grandfather and grandson immediately improved.

Yes, love is the main factor in raising children, but there is one thing But . Love must be correct and reasonable. After all, many parents, as well as grandparents, understand love as indulging all the desires of their beloved child. One of my friends said: “You can’t spoil yourself with love.” You'll spoil me, and how. Love for children presupposes not only care, tenderness and affection, but also severity - we are responsible for them. “Whoever wants to raise children well, raises them in severity and labor, so that, having distinguished themselves in knowledge and behavior, they can eventually receive the fruits of their labors,” says St. Neil of Sinai. The one who pampers overprotects the child; if she loves him, it is with blind love, because spoiled children turn out to be completely unprepared to enter into adult life. They cannot take responsibility for their wife and children and do not know how to make decisions.

In addition to overprotection and pampering, there is another extreme. This is a style of parental behavior that can be called possessiveness. That is, it seems to parents that they love the child, but in fact they perceive him as their property, material for the implementation of their plans. And they absolutely don’t want to see him as a person.

From the very birth of their children, such parents have a clear plan for them. For example, a special school with intensive study of English, then the Institute of Foreign Languages ​​or MGIMO, then work as a diplomat. Or a lawyer, an economist, or someone else, but only in accordance with parent script. And then it turns out that the child wanted to become a musician or a doctor, but instead he graduates from some very boring university, then, without any desire, he works as a lawyer or financier just because it is prestigious, brings a good income and his parents wanted it that way.

Or sometimes parents really want their child to realize those projects and ambitions that they were unable to realize. And they, regardless of the desires and inclinations of the child, use him to implement their ideas.

Of course, as a rule, any parent wants their child to follow in his footsteps. But this should not become a fixed idea.

Our most important task as parents is to educate a child, that is, to cultivate in him the image of God, to raise him as a believer, a pious person, and to allow his good inclinations to develop. Of course, parents should give their child direction in life, but only in accordance with his inclinations and abilities.

“We don’t understand him!”

Let's move on to child-parent conflicts.

Let us remember again and again that conflict is misunderstanding. Both sides of the conflict cannot or do not want to understand each other.

Recently I congratulated one of my friends on her long-awaited first child, and to the question: “How are things going with the baby?”, she answered me: “Everything is fine, but we don’t understand him yet.” And the same words can be said by most parents of not only babies, but also primary schoolchildren and teenagers. When I became a father and new worries and problems appeared, I must admit, I envied my children. How sometimes I wanted to lie carefree in my crib, eat, play and not think about getting up early tomorrow and going to work, that I need to feed my family with something and generally solve many adult problems from morning to evening! It seems to most adults that children are generally devoid of any problems. And if they are capricious, worried and ask for something, then they are simply playing the fool. What problems might they have? Do what your parents tell you, don't do what they don't tell you to do, go to school and behave well. In fact, the life of a child, despite the fact that he, of course, feels parental protection and support, is no less difficult than adult life.

It’s just that children have different difficulties. They, unlike adults, do not have life experience, they are not immune to everyday problems, and if we remember ourselves in childhood, we will understand that the life of a child is also by no means carefree. It contains its own stresses, fears, grievances, sorrows and experiences. We are afraid of a reprimand at work, and the child is afraid of getting a bad grade, being beaten by a school bully, and generally has his own childhood fears that we do not know about. We experience stress when we learn that we will not be able to repay the loan on time, and the child is afraid that he will write poorly on the test, since he is not at all ready for it.

Preschool children also have their own experiences, fears, worries, and often their whims or aggression can be caused by some internal reasons. And we will be able to come to an understanding with our children when we learn to enter into their position, try to penetrate their inner world and understand how they live and breathe. And, of course, we will learn to communicate with them. Children have their own And a vision of the world that is different from our adult perception; it may be immature, naive, incorrect, but if parents understand their child, it will be very easy for them without quarrels, conflicts and severe punishments make him obey them. The child will trust them more and show obedience not out of fear, but out of love.

Let's start with the general provisions. What do children expect from us first? Love and understanding. We have reminded more than once that love is a sacrifice. A sacrifice is always dedicated to someone, made for the sake of someone. In this case, the sacrifice of love is made for the sake of our children, for the sake of their upbringing. We donate free time, peace, physical and spiritual strength and, of course, we have certain material costs.

The main way any parent can influence their child is by example. Both negative and positive. Parents are an example for children all their lives, and in preschool age they make up almost the whole world for him. Therefore, our responsibility to children is simply enormous. The birth and upbringing of a child is a very big incentive for parents to start working on themselves, fighting their shortcomings and bad habits.

If we don’t want our child to start smoking, we ourselves must not smoke. If parents want to wean their child away from TV and computers, they should be the first to set an example for him. Telling children what not to drink bad words, and do not disdain strong expressions ourselves - this means teaching them hypocrisy. They have every right to express themselves this way as long as their parents do not control their speech themselves. And so in everything! If we don’t want our son to grow up lazy and slobby, we ourselves must not be lazy and not throw away our things. And most importantly: you can teach a child spiritual life and prayer only by personal example.

Parents must come to mutual understanding and agreement among themselves, at least for the sake of their children. After all, when creating their own family, children will be guided by their parents’ scenarios.

So, by raising a child, we are raising ourselves.

Parents tend to make one of two mistakes. First: parents believe that children are little adults; they know and understand everything better than us, and therefore there is no need to educate them especially. And in general you need to communicate with them as equals. This is a very big and harmful misconception. A child cannot be equal to us. He has not yet formed, his consciousness is not developed, and he does not have the experience and knowledge of an adult. If he sometimes amazes us with his smart sayings, then this happens for two reasons. Either he gleaned some information from a TV show, radio program, books, conversations with adults... Or this option is possible: the consciousness and perception of a child, unlike an adult, is less loaded, his eye is less “blurred”, and he can sometimes see what which we usually just don’t pay attention to. That is why the truth sometimes “speaks” through the mouth of a baby.

But the child is not an adult, and when communicating with him, one must not forget this. He won't understand us at a glance. He is waiting for an explanation from us. He is just getting to know this world, and what has long been known and understood by us may be a sealed secret for him. Therefore, we will not be lazy to talk with the baby, patiently explaining to him the meaning of our words, requests and prohibitions. Children are extremely curious. Especially children preschool age. They ask a huge number of questions. For example, my youngest son Kolya’s speech consists half of questions. True, he sometimes confuses “why?” and “why?”, which looks especially funny. So we approach the house, and he asks: “Is mom home?” - "No, why?" But mostly he asks the right and very interesting questions. For parents, this is also a kind of mental training, because they need to live up to the status of know-it-alls and have sufficient erudition. A child asks questions not only to get information, it is also a way of communication for him. After all, he himself does not yet have sufficient horizons, cannot clearly formulate thoughts and construct speech. But he reaches out to his parents, wants to talk with them, and therefore it is easier for him to communicate in question-and-answer form.

When communicating with a child, adults must not forget that the child has a very mobile consciousness, he is often fickle and not very assiduous. Now he wants one thing, and five minutes later he wants another. Children's memory also has its own characteristics, and therefore in raising children you need to have a lot of patience, you don't need to get angry if they don't remember something the first time. For example, the same incident happened to my youngest son. With the help of his mother, he glued together a very beautiful plywood airplane. Then he came up to me and asked permission to color it with felt-tip pens. I said that this should not be done, since it would turn out ugly, it is better to leave everything as it is. Kolya approached several times and was refused each time. A couple of days later I saw that the entire plane was covered in colorful markers. I asked him sternly: “Why did you do this? After all, I didn’t allow you!” And then Nikolai, almost crying, said: “You should have reminded me as soon as I started painting it!” I felt very ashamed, I realized that the child had simply forgotten about the ban, and I regarded this as disrespect for the father and showed unnecessary severity.

In addition to the “child is a small adult” mistake, there is another incorrect style of behavior with children. This is communication with a child exclusively through orders, commands and prohibitions. Parents who practice this method believe that the child is stupid, small and undeveloped. He doesn’t have to think or reason much, he doesn’t have to talk to him much, he just has to listen to what his parents tell him and do it. This style of behavior can lead to a complete loss of contact with the child. He will simply withdraw into his own world and go into a shell. He will stop trusting his parents, and will obey them only for the time being for fear of punishment.

From early childhood, a child expects support, protection and help from his parents. And he should receive this support. One man said that his wife adheres to a very strange theory, and he cannot do anything about it. In her opinion, children should not be picked up, kissed or caressed. Parents who deprive their children of affection, especially in infancy, will not be able to establish contact with them later, find mutual language. Their relationship will be formal and cold.

It is very important for children to feel protected and caressed not only verbally, but also physically. They purely instinctively want to run up and cuddle with their mother in a moment of sadness or sit on their father’s lap. It also greatly promotes bonding between children and parents. But, of course, everything should be in moderation. If you overdo it with caresses, the child may become so accustomed to them that he will not get off his hands or, on the contrary, they will disgust him.

Conflict management Sheinov Viktor Pavlovich

8.1. Causes of parent-child conflicts

The family, of course, is far from the only environment where the formation of a child’s personality takes place. And yet, in Russian psychology and pedagogy there is a belief that even the most serious mistakes of teachers usually do not have such a fatal impact on the development of a child’s personality as the incorrect behavior of parents, their misunderstanding of children and the resulting conflicts.

Let's consider the factors that most often cause conflict between parents and children.

Type of intrafamily relationships. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relationships. For harmonious family relationships characterized by cooperation and mutual assistance, equality of all participants in the family union, flexibility of assessments and behavior depending on the situation or condition of family members, the formation of a family “we,” and stimulation of individuality development. In such a family, adults communicate with the child in a friendly tone, correctly guide his behavior, praise and encourage him, while offering advice, allow discussions about his orders and do not emphasize his leadership position. This family is characterized by a democratic style of raising children.

IN disharmonious family There is conflict interaction, alienation, tension, the inability to find acceptable ways of communicating with each other, and a prolonged disturbance of the psychological climate. The feelings and emotions of the other are not taken into account, and distance is maintained in relationships. This leads to neurotic reactions of family members and a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

A. Ya. Varga identifies four reasons for the ineffectiveness of the parental attitude towards the child:

1) pedagogical and psychological incompatibility between parent and child, parents’ ignorance of the age-related psychological characteristics of children;

2) lack of flexibility and adherence to dubious stereotypes in raising children;

3) personal problems and characteristics of parents (or one parent) that they bring into communication with the child (as a rule, parents do not see the connection between their problems and difficulties in raising a child);

4) shortcomings in communication with other family members and relatives that affect the child.

The most typical case is that conflicting communication between parents affects their attitude towards the child.

To this we can also add the use by parents of such destructive parenting styles as:

authoritarian(or autocratic) style, which is characterized by stereotypical assessments and behavior, ignoring individual characteristics children, rigidity of attitudes, predominance of disciplinary influences, unceremoniousness, coldness and dictatorship. Communication is limited to brief business instructions, is conducted strictly and unfriendly, and is based on prohibitions;

liberal(or conniving) style, manifested in the detachment and alienation of family members from each other, indifference to the affairs and feelings of the other. In relationships and communication, the principle “do what you want” is implemented. In such a family, parents, as a rule, are indifferent to the fate of the child. This can provoke the development of aggressiveness and criminal tendencies, which sooner or later will lead to family conflicts.

Main types identified family situations, giving rise to acute dissatisfaction with their existence in children. N.V. Grishina notes: “It occurs, as a rule, in so-called “authoritarian families”, which deprive the child of the necessary measure of independence, as well as in families with a manipulative nature of the parents’ treatment of the child. The result of this is the child’s need to “escape from domestic captivity.” According to D. G. Trunov, “dramatic situations playing out in the family, in their depths, hide an interpersonal conflict that has existed for a long time and is awaiting its resolution.” The same can be said about the options for “leaving the family” up to and including street homelessness, which, in conditions of weakening social control, takes on quite common forms and is an indicator of family dysfunction and, in particular, the ineffective implementation of parental functions by adults. In search of a more detailed description of the relationship between parents and children, you can turn to psychotherapeutic experience, in particular to the works of A.I. Zakharov, a specialist in childhood neuroses.

Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children are a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (drinking alcohol, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are the following: such as low academic performance, violations of rules of conduct, ignoring parental recommendations, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and self-centeredness, self-confidence, laziness, etc.

Typically, a child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of his parents with the following reactions: opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature); refusal (failure to comply with parental demands); isolation (the desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, secrecy in relations with them).

Conflicts can result from the actions of both parents and children. The following are distinguished: types of relationships parents and children:

Parents delve into the interests of their children, and children share their thoughts with them - this is the optimal type of relationship between parents and children;

Rather, parents delve into the concerns of their children rather than the children sharing with them (mutual dissatisfaction arises);

Rather, children feel a desire to share with their parents rather than them delving into the concerns, interests and activities of the children;

The behavior and life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, the parents are most likely right;

The behavior and life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, the children are most likely right;

Parents do not delve into the interests of their children, and children do not feel the desire to share with them (contradictions were ignored by parents and grew into conflicts and mutual alienation).

Neglect of a child is very common in families with so-called hypoprotection. This is a parenting style in which the child is on the periphery of the parents’ attention and comes into their field of vision only when something serious happens (illness, injury, etc.). Parents do not show any interest in the child and can completely ignore both his natural (sleep, food) and psychological (love, tenderness, care) needs.

Parents who profess this style of parenting view the child as a burden that prevents them from doing their own things. Therefore, a child in such a family not only finds himself in emotional isolation, but is also very often subject to punishment when he still tries to satisfy his needs in one way or another.

Factors of increased conflict are age-related crises of children. The age crisis is a transition period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become disobedient, capricious, and irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They develop a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching the point of stubbornness. D. B. Elkonin identified the following age-related crises in children:

First year crisis (transition from infancy to early childhood);

Three-year crisis (transition from early childhood to preschool age);

Crisis of 6–7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

Crisis of puberty (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12–14 years);

Teenage crisis 15–17 years.

The most common conflicts parents have are with their children. adolescence . E. A. Sokolova identifies the following types of conflicts between adolescents and parents: conflict instability of parental relationship(constant change of child assessment criteria); conflict over-concern(excessive care and excessive expectations); conflict disrespect for the right to independence(totality of instructions and control); conflict paternal authority(the desire to get one's way in a conflict at any cost).

L. B. Filonov believes that teenagers are characterized by peculiar behavior focused on “searching for the limits of what is permissible.” It is expressed in the provoking, almost conscious aggravation of relations, which the teenager undertakes, the goal of which is “to sort out” the reaction of other people to certain specific acts of his behavior. “He seeks to correlate situations of communication with persons who seem to be “opposing” him and his own behavior. Basically, it looks for types of objections, types of assessments, ways of arguing, etc.” . In essence, goes necessary for normal development the process of mastering various forms of social interaction. The phenomenon of “provoking” in communication between children and adults may have another meaning. According to Western researchers, “a child can “pick” an adult until he has a reaction, for example, in the form of an aggressive emotional breakdown, because this frees the child from fear of expressing his own destructive feelings in action.”

T.V. Dragunova draws attention to the fact that difficulties in the transition to new forms of relationships are experienced by both parties - both children and adults. Often they are not ready to expand the rights of a teenager due to the persistence of the inertia of the “custodial” relationship, as well as due to the continued dependence of children on their parents and their real inability to make independent actions and decisions.

The “rebellious” behavior of adolescents, which accordingly colors their relationships with their parents, can itself become a cause of complications and conflicts in the family. However, not all conflicts between “fathers and sons” come down to this.

The main problem of their relationship is the difficulty of transmitting cultural norms and ideas from one generation to another. It is known that the acceleration of the pace social development leads to a deepening gap between generations, which, in conditions of instability and drastic social changes, makes “fathers and sons” not just representatives different cultures, but also different “worlds”. Attempts by parents to realize their position in these conditions are difficult, and even encounter direct resistance from children.

Many parents, even those who believe that this should not be done, have to punish their children. However, psychologists have expressed great doubts about the effectiveness of punishment if used to raise children. This is just a parental misconception. They think that by resorting to punishment they can force children to obey and improve. In essence, parents in this way only show their impatience and anger.

1. Very often, punishment does not correct the child’s behavior, but only transforms it. One offense is replaced by another. But at the same time, it can still remain incorrect and even more harmful for the child.

2. Punishments make the child fear losing parental love. He feels rejected and often begins to be jealous of his brother or sister, and sometimes even his parents.

3. A punished child may develop feelings of hostility towards his parents, and this creates a terrible dilemma in his mind. On the one hand, parents are adults, rebellion against them is in no way possible, on the other hand, he is still too dependent on them to benefit from his enmity, not to mention the fact that he still loves his parents. And as soon as these two feelings - love and hatred - are united in him, a conflict immediately arises.

4. Frequent punishments one way or another lead to the fact that the child remains immature and infantile. Usually he is punished for some childish prank. But the desire to achieve the forbidden does not disappear, and the child decides that, perhaps, it is not worth giving up on it if he can only pay with punishment. That is, he endures punishment in order to pay, clear his conscience and continue in the same spirit - and so on ad infinitum.

5. Punishment can help a child get his parents' attention. Although children need parental love above all, they often seek even such a pathetic imitation of it as simple attention. After all, sometimes it is much easier to attract the attention of parents by breaking prohibitions than to remain kind and obedient all the time.

As a result of appropriate upbringing and constant punishment, there is nothing left of love for family except appearance or habit. But often this is not even the case, and children act against the family. In life, they play the role of people who do not have good relationships with people, and they see something hostile in their neighbors. They are always on guard so that someone else does not deceive them. Very often you can hear from such children that they are ready to “tear apart” their parents. Mistrust creeps into every relationship. Because of him it gets more complicated all the time living together. They also very often have destructive tendencies. Cowardly deceit grows in them on its own due to their lack of trust in themselves and in others.”

One of the most dangerous phenomena in relationships between parents and children is violence. As shown in numerous studies, most often in parent-child relationships, the parent plays the role of the aggressor, and the children play the role of victims.

The risk of violence against a child increases if the aggressor and victim have certain physical, psychological or behavioral characteristics and abilities. The study by I. A. Furmanov identified these features. We present them, following the indicated author:

“Personality of the aggressor (parent) has the following characteristics:

Aggression, dominance, impulsiveness, rigidity, rapid irritability (especially to the child’s provoking behavior), low stress resistance, emotional lability, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, dependence, low levels of empathy and openness, isolation, suspicion and disrupted self-identification processes;

Dissatisfaction and negative self-awareness, feeling unhappy, dissatisfied with one’s family life, negative attitude of the parent towards others and inadequate social expectations for the child;

Lack of skills to negotiate, resolve conflicts and problems, cope with stress, ask for help from others;

Certain psychopathological deviations (neuroticism, depression, suicidal tendencies);

Alcoholism and drug addiction;

Health problems (pathological pregnancy, interrupted pregnancy, difficult childbirth);

Emotional insensitivity and mental retardation;

Underdevelopment of parenting skills and feelings.

Identity of the victim (child) features the following characteristics:

Apathy, isolation, indifference, excessive dependence, deceit;

Irritability, aggressiveness, rebellion, disobedience, impulsiveness, hyperactivity, unpredictability of behavior, sleep disturbances, enuresis;

Nail biting, nose picking, grimacing, manipulation of genitals;

Lack of independence, lack of communication, lack of friends;

Acquired disabilities, low intelligence, health problems (hereditary or chronic diseases, including mental ones);

Features of appearance that distinguish these children from others or are difficult for parents, with which they cannot reconcile (“eared,” “stooped,” “bow-legged,” “fat”).

In addition, these may be unwanted children, as well as those who were born after the loss of a previous child by their parents, premature children with low birth weight, children living in large family, where the interval between the births of children was short, children whose gestation and birth were difficult for mothers who were often sick and were separated from their mother during the first year of life.

Each of the features listed above, or a combination of them, increases distress in the family and the likelihood of violence against the child.”

Special group conflicts consist of conflicts between parents and adult children (meaning with children who have decided in life, have a profession, as well as a family, living with their parents together or separately).

The following difficulties are identified in the interaction of parents with adult children:

Lack of contact with children - lack of understanding of how they live, what they are interested in, the inability to have a heart-to-heart talk with them, a feeling of parental uselessness, alienation to the child;

Disrespectful, harsh attitude towards parents, constant quarrels and conflicts over trifles;

Anxiety for children, caused by the fact that they do not live the way they should live (from the parents’ point of view). Often, parents perceive their children as unhappy, unlucky, confused, lonely (the son dropped out of college, the daughter had two abortions);

Problems associated with non-standard, deviant behavior of children (alcohol, computer or gambling, etc.);

Conflicts over the “wrong” upbringing of grandchildren;

Difficulties arising from the desire of parents to give advice and interfere in the personal lives of their children, including family life.

It seems natural for parents to give advice, guidance, and make decisions for their children. In the beginning, one way or another, the child relies on parental advice and guidance. But when he grows up, he has a need for self-affirmation and freedom of choice. Some parents have a hard time admitting this. As a result, the son (or daughter) may become angry, irritable, or withdrawn as he seeks more freedom and responsibility that his parents are unwilling to give him. This is where fertile ground for specific family conflict, which American psychologist J. G. Scott called the “responsibility trap.” This is actually the problem of excessive responsibility of parents for their children that leads to conflict, which the latter not only does not share, but, on the contrary, rejects. Such a conflict takes on especially acute and severe forms when parents, losing control over their son or daughter, notice that at the same time they are losing importance as individuals, because they have not been able to sufficiently express themselves at work or in another vital area of ​​activity.

E.M. Babosov notes: “The conflict process itself and its consequences are experienced especially painfully by the interacting parties when parents, on the one hand, and a married son (or married daughter) together with their spouse, on the other, fall into the “responsibility trap.”