Raise a real man - strong, purposeful, who will become an excellent husband and father. Just as in a complete family there is every chance of raising an insecure person who is unable to respect women.
Incomplete families are not those in which there is no father or mother, but those in which parental love is lacking.
Igor Kon
Author of the book “The Boy is the Father of the Man”
How to raise a boy for a single mother
1. A child begins to realize his gender identity at one year of age. At this moment, the boy needs a certain ideal to which he will strive, copying his behavior and character traits. Of course, it is better for this to be the father, but this role can be successfully performed by a grandfather, uncle or friend’s husband. When the boy grows up, it is worth giving him to sports section, where he will learn skills to communicate with men and where he can have a role model in the person of a strong and courageous coach.
2. If the child's father is a father-hero, the ideal for the boy may be the image of a father-hero. If the parents divorced and the mother harbored ex-husband offense, you should not tell your son about this: in the eyes of a child, dad should remain a good man. Explain to the boy that his father loves him very much, but circumstances are such that they cannot see each other. If your father wants to communicate, do not prohibit him, no matter how strong your resentment may be. Do not create an image of a monster father in a boy’s head - this will push him away from all men.
3. What is important is how the mother herself treats men. If she experiences fear, aggression, shame or other negative emotions in the presence of men, then the child will feel them too. This will lead to difficulties in communicating with men.
4. Read books to the boy about brave knights, choose films in which men are courageous heroes.
5. Do not try to compensate for the father's love by surrounding the boy with care 24 hours a day. Independence is one of the most important masculine qualities. A boy must be able to do everything: wash dishes, clean the apartment, hammer nails. There is no need to stand over his soul, controlling his every move: it is very important to trust your son.
6. Common mistake The problem that single mothers make is that they decide to devote their lives to the child, and then, naturally, expect mutual return. The child does not need these sacrifices. You should not forget about your personal happiness, put an end to own life. You shouldn’t tell a boy that for his sake you are exhausting yourself at two jobs, not getting enough sleep, limiting yourself in everything: this will create a feeling of guilt in him.
7. Mom should be caring and affectionate, and not an iron lady who solves all problems. It is important that the boy understands that a woman must be taken care of. At the same time, one should not go too far and turn a child from childhood into a responsible man who must completely take care of a weak and defenseless mother.
8. Praise your child more often. Say: “You will succeed!”, “You are my protector,” etc. For a boy growing up without a father, this is especially important: this way you strengthen his confidence that he is significant to you.
9. When a man appears in a mother’s life, you need to be prepared for jealousy on the part of your son. The rapprochement of two people dear to a woman should be gradual, tactful, unobtrusive.
10. Don't expect your son to fill the void caused by the absence of the main man in the house. Remember: first of all, he is a child who always needs your love and support. The boy will become the owner of the house only after creating his own family.
11. Don't expect a boy to approach life the same way you do. Men and women have different emotions and ways of thinking. Listen to his opinion with respect. Learn to be interested in his world, which is far from yours.
Do not believe psychologists who claim that defective boys grow up in single-parent families. This statement is factually incorrect, but acts as a self-fulfilling prediction
Igor Kon
Author of the book "The Boy is the Father of the Man"
12. Always come to your son’s aid if he has been offended and needs your support. Do not yell at him or scold him in case of mistakes or misdeeds. He must be sure that you are on his side and believe that this misunderstanding will not happen again. This way the boy will develop a sense of security, which will help him walk confidently through life.
13. Women who raise their sons on their own risk falling into one of the extremes: giving all of themselves completely to the child or being deliberately dry with their son, trying to fill the gap of harsh male upbringing. Both positions form a distorted picture of the world. In the first case, the child will most likely grow up indecisive and weak-willed. In the second, he may lose faith in people because he did not receive enough parental love in childhood.
At all times, raising a child without a father has been a difficult task. And if it does, it’s doubly difficult. Of course, I want the baby to become a real man.
But how to do this if you are a mother? What mistakes should you not make? What to remember?
The main example for a son is always his father. It is he who own behavior , shows the boy that it is impossible to offend women, that the weak need protection, that a man is the breadwinner and breadwinner in the family, that courage and willpower must be cultivated in oneself from the cradle.
Father's personal example - this is the model of behavior that the child copies. And the son, growing up only with his mother, is deprived of this example.
What problems might a fatherless boy and his mother face?
First, you should consider the mother’s attitude towards her son, her role in upbringing, because the future character of the son depends on the harmony of upbringing.
A mother raising a boy without a father may...
- Anxious-active
Constant worry about the child, tension, inconsistency of punishments/rewards. The atmosphere for the son will be turbulent.
As a result, anxiety, tearfulness, capriciousness, etc. Naturally, this will not benefit the child’s psyche. - Owner
The template “mottos” of such mothers are “My child!”, “I gave birth for myself,” “I will give him what I didn’t have.” This installation leads to the absorption of the child's individuality. He may simply not see an independent life, because his mother herself will feed him, dress him, choose friends, a girlfriend and a university, ignoring own desires child. Such a mother cannot avoid disappointment - the child in any case will not live up to her hopes and will break out from under the wing. Or she will completely ruin his psyche, raising a son who is incapable of living independently and being responsible for anyone. - Powerful-authoritarian
A mother who sacredly believes in her rightness and in her actions solely for the benefit of the child. Any child’s whim is a “rebellion on the ship”, which is harshly suppressed. The baby will sleep and eat when the mother says, no matter what. The cry of a frightened child left alone in a room is not a reason for such a mother to rush to him with kisses. An authoritarian mother creates an atmosphere close to a barracks.
Consequences? The baby grows up withdrawn, emotionally depressed, with a huge baggage of aggression, which adult life can easily morph into misogyny. - Passive-depressive
Such a mother is tired and depressed all the time. She rarely smiles, she doesn’t have enough strength for the child, the mother avoids communicating with him and perceives raising a child as hard labor and a burden that she had to shoulder. A child deprived of warmth and love grows up withdrawn, mental development is late, the feeling of love for the mother simply has nothing to form on.
The prospect is not happy. - Perfect
What is her portrait? Probably everyone knows the answer: this is a cheerful, attentive and caring mother who does not put pressure on the child with her authority, does not throw her problems of a failed personal life onto him, and perceives him as he is. It minimizes demands, prohibitions and punishments, because respect, trust, encouragement are more important. The basis of education is to recognize the independence and individuality of the baby from the cradle.
The role of the father in raising a boy and the problems that arise in the life of a boy without a father
In addition to the attitude, upbringing and atmosphere in a single-parent family, the boy faces other problems:
- Men's mathematical abilities are always higher than women's. They are more inclined to think and analyze, to sort things out, to construct, etc. They are less emotional, and the work of the mind is directed not at people, but at things. The absence of a father significantly affects the development of these abilities in his son. And the “mathematical” problem is not connected with material difficulties and the atmosphere of “fatherlessness”, but with the lack of an intellectual atmosphere that a man usually creates in the family.
- The desire for study, education, and the formation of interests are also absent or declining in such children. A business active dad usually spurs the baby on, aiming him at success, at conforming to the image of a successful man. If there is no dad, there is no one to follow as an example. This does not mean that the child is doomed to grow up weak, cowardly, and inactive. With the right mother's approach, there is every chance of raising a worthy man.
- Gender identity disorder is another problem. Of course, we are not talking about the fact that the son will necessarily bring the groom home instead of the bride. But the child does not observe the “man + woman” behavior model. As a result, correct behavior skills are not formed, one’s “I” is lost, and disturbances occur in the natural system of values and relationships with the opposite sex. A crisis in gender identity occurs in a child at 3-5 years of age and at adolescence. The main thing is not to miss this moment.
- The father is a kind of bridge for the child to the outside world. Mom is more inclined to narrow as much as possible the world available to the child, the circle of friends, and practical experience. The father erases these boundaries for the child - this is how nature wants it. The father allows, lets go, provokes, does not coo, does not try to adapt to the child’s psyche, speech and perception - he communicates as equals, thereby paving the way for his son to independence and maturity.
- Raised only by his mother, a child often “goes to extremes” developing in oneself either feminine character traits, or being distinguished by an excess of “masculinity”.
- One of the problems of boys from single-parent families is lack of understanding of fatherhood responsibilities. And as a result - a negative impact on the personal maturation of their children.
- A man who shows up at his mother’s house is met with hostility by the child. Because family for him is only his mother. And the stranger next to her does not fit into the usual picture.
There are mothers who begin to “sculpt” their sons into real men, not caring about their own opinions. All instruments are used - languages, dances, music, etc. The result is always the same - breakdown The child and mother have unfulfilled hopes...
It must be remembered that even if the baby’s mother is ideal, the best in the world, the absence of a father still affects the child, who is always will feel deprived of fatherly love. To raise a boy without a father as a real man, the mother needs to make every effort to correct formation of the role of the future man, and rely on male support in raising my son among close people.
The scourge of time and the real misfortune of modern times Russian society- single-parent families. The reasons are varied. Most often, many families break up for very serious reasons. The woman is left alone and forced to raise her son without a father.
Where do single-parent families come from?
A woman believes that she is better off alone than with a scoundrel husband. She can raise, teach and feed herself.
Sometimes this is true. Accomplished businesswoman unwilling to endure weak man nearby, can not only feed and provide education. Many ladies are able to provide a very comfortable life for themselves and their children.
A single mom isn't lonely if she's a mom.
Whatever it is financial situation In an incomplete family, no matter what tragedies it may experience, you should remember the most important thing: you are not alone. There is a man next to you. Even if he is two or four years old.
Under no circumstances should you pull a boy down in public or shout at him. In private, you will tell him everything you think about his behavior. Only in private. Don't let yourself or anyone else humiliate him. Whether it's a teacher, a school principal or a kindergarten teacher.
Unless, of course, you are faced with the task of raising a man, and not a downtrodden, insecure person with low self-esteem. Be able to politely, but firmly enough, make it clear that you have listened to complaints and will take action, but only you have the right to punish the child if you deem it necessary.
There is no one except you to protect the little man.
Born a man - be one, regardless of age
From a very young age, a boy must understand that he is a helper, hope and support. But how can he feel strong and grown up if his mother rushes to put on his socks and lace up his sneakers before he does it himself?
Let your son carry some of his purchases on the way from the store. Put in the bag what he can handle. It must be firmly ingrained in his head that it is not right for a man to travel lightly if a woman is carrying bags.
If your son forgot sports uniform for a physical education lesson, a change of shoes, an album, don’t remind him of this. Leave it to yourself to overcome the consequences. Ask how he felt sitting on the bench while the children were running around in physical education? Or was he pleased with the reprimand from the school teacher? The next day he will be more collected.
Important from the start school days teach your son to get ready on his own. Your life will become much easier, and the boy will get used to being responsible for his own mistakes and not allowing them to happen.
Talk to your son, listen to him
A single mother has to work a lot. The boy is left to his own devices most of the day. Deprived of a firm hand and a good fatherly example, he is ready to “stick” to anyone who encourages or praises him, an adult or a peer who has dubious authority.
This is how fragile teenagers end up in bad company and ruin their lives. If you're lucky, you can come to an agreement with one of the non-working neighbors. Let them keep the child under close attention. At the slightest sign of anxiety, take adequate measures. Ask how the day went, who he talked to, what he did.
And, most importantly, you cannot brush off conversations with your child. Talk to him, listen, even if he’s been telling you about nuts and cars for an hour, and you’re incredibly tired. You cannot lose emotional intimacy, you cannot lose trust.
This boy, your son, must grow up
Already at the stage of pregnancy, knowing that a long-awaited son will soon be born, every woman thinks about being a real man. It would seem that there is nothing complicated about this - according to prevailing stereotypes, for proper growth and the formation of knowledge, a boy needs the attention of his father. And not just attention, but the direct participation of the parent in the child’s life. Modern psychology has debunked the myth that only in a complete family is it possible to raise a real and strong man- he can be raised by both a married woman and a single mother.
Birth
When a baby is born, he needs all the love and care of his mother. Until conscious age, according to research, a child does not differentiate between people by gender, but by the first year of life he can easily determine where mom, dad, sister, uncle or other relatives and acquaintances are. From the very moment of birth, a boy needs more warmth and affection than a newborn girl, since the little representatives of the stronger half of humanity are more vulnerable physically and psychologically. There is no need to limit communication with the baby - even at such a young age the child feels treated. While rocking your crying son in your arms, you should talk to him, reminding him that he is a man, he is strong and brave.
Growing up
When a boy turns three years old, communication with males becomes a necessity for him, and it doesn’t matter who it will be: dad, girlfriend’s husband or grandfather. For him, the main thing at this age is to comprehend and adopt all male behavioral qualities and habits. Hereby, at this stage of his development, he advises not to force the child to do anything at the request of the parents, against his will. This is fraught with the emergence of misunderstandings in the family, as well as the manifestation of personality complexes in the child at a more mature age.
From a boy to a man
As a child grows older and takes as a basis the behavioral characteristics of the representatives of the stronger sex around him from childhood, he builds communication with peers and relatives. A boy's attitude towards women is formed thanks to his mother - she is the personification of femininity, beauty and home warmth. Looking at his mother, the baby subconsciously remembers her traits, both external and character, which in the future will be reflected in his preferences in choosing a life partner.
Can a mother raise her son on her own?
Many women, in an attempt to provide their father with care, often sacrifice themselves. At the same time, each of them finds excuses for their actions: “So what if my husband beats me/doesn’t work/drinks/cheats, but the boy has a father. To raise him into a man, he needs his father’s care.” Often such “care” manifests itself in the form of constant poking and prodding, since when disrespect is shown to a woman, one can hardly expect strong fatherly feelings from the husband. Men of this kind will not participate in raising the baby in any way, except, of course, for the conception itself; all concerns about it will fall entirely on the shoulders of women.
As a result, after long and painful attempts to correct the “careless dad” and a futile search for a compromise, the family breaks up. This pushes a woman with a young son to look for a new dad for the baby. Sometimes everything repeats itself in a circle, and in other cases only a few find a good family man and father. You should not think that, having separated from her husband, a single mother will not be able to properly raise a boy - any adequate and loving mother can do this. To do this, you need to be guided by several simple rules communication with the child.
From the moment he becomes aware of the world around him, a mother must develop in her son responsibility for himself, his words and actions. Over time, the boy will begin to understand that what is promised must be fulfilled and mistakes corrected. You should explain to the child only in a calm, gentle tone, without scandals or hysterics. It is important to remember that the baby must constantly be given the right to choose - this is the only way he will feel independent.
There is one more important aspect in how to raise a boy to be a real man: the son must feel his importance. But there is no need to cultivate egocentrism in him - such a person will grow up to be a “narcissist”, and his further adaptation in adulthood will be significantly difficult. Significance is not instilled on the scale of the universe (I am everything for this world), but only in relation to the mother. For example, when landing in public transport a mother can ask her son to help her, or during a walk she turns to him with the words: “Take my hand, in case I fall, and you will hold me.”
Any mother should understand that communicating with males is vital for a child to become a successful and confident man. She is obliged to allow her son to see his father (if there is one) and spend time with him. At the same time, she should constantly be aware of all the events happening in his life, talk to him about it and help him solve problems. How to properly raise your son to be a real man? Become a friend for him, the best and closest. If there is a lack of male attention, a boy, naturally, after agreement with him, needs to be enrolled in any sports section - sport disciplines, helps the child adapt to society.
Parenting common mistakes
- An excess of love at a conscious age provokes a child’s incorrect perception of the world around him. Undoubtedly, it is possible and necessary to love and protect your child, but there must be moderation in everything. Mothers should prepare themselves in advance for the moment when their son grows up and starts a family. Some women are especially sensitive to the departure of a child from the parental home; they simply cannot come to terms with the fact that their beloved son is now doing without his mother.
- Cruel treatment and pressure from parents have never helped raise a strong and courageous man. Families that believe that shouting and assault, as well as the lack of the right to choose, are the norm produce downtrodden, shy and at the same time embittered guys with low self-esteem and disrespect for women. It is worth remembering that our children are a reflection of the “weather in the house” and the behavior of their parents.
- Lack of attention from both mother and father makes the future man withdraw into himself. Growing up, such boys become alienated; many of them, in order to force their parents to notice them, get involved with bad companies, begin to drink alcohol, drugs, and acquire various bad habits.
Future man: growing up in a complete family
Some mothers make one very big mistake - worrying about the health and safety of their newborn baby, they do not allow the father to fully enjoy communicating with him. It is the very first moment of the meeting between father and son that is the key point in how to raise a boy to be a real man. If a wife repeatedly refuses her husband’s desire to help with the baby, then future healthy communication between father and son may come to naught.
Mom and Dad
A mother should leave her child with her husband more often, encourage them to spend time together - organize various trips for their men, and send them fishing. In any conflict situations The mother needs to remain neutral, but at the same time remember to talk to the baby about his misdeeds.
How can a father raise a boy to be a real man? To do this, you need to be an example to him in everything, from your attitude towards your wife and ending with your position in society. The child intuitively senses whether dad loves mom and whether he respects her. Even if both parents are trying to create an image of an ideal family in front of their son, and behind closed doors they are constantly quietly sorting out the relationship, it will be difficult to raise a real, mentally healthy member of society from the boy.
Books are the best assistants in the educational process
Many parents are looking for an answer to the question of how to raise a boy to be a real man. A book containing old good fairy tales, helps to tell the child in detail about the role he occupies in life. Knights, heroes, princes, possessing remarkable strength, are always ready to come to the aid of the weaker sex - beauties bewitched by evil wizards.
Distribution of roles in each fairy tale story allows you to clearly explain to a little boy that men are strong, heroic and selfless people. Thanks to fairy tales, a child’s subconscious is formed perfect image which he wants to strive for.
- Teach your child the rules of etiquette. It doesn’t matter at what age to start, the main thing is that from an early age he understands how to talk to elders, why women need to be helped, and how important the words spoken to him are.
- Explain to your son that all his emotions: fear, embarrassment, joy, sadness and sadness can and should be expressed in words.
- Teach your baby to order, let him help you around the house.
- Organize reading evenings, read good life stories and fairy tales to your son, and share your impressions with him.
- Teach your child how to lose correctly. While supporting him in his failures, tell the boy that one defeat is not a reason to give up and give up on your goal.
- Show him that showing affection is not weakness.
- Allow your child to help you and the people around you. Just allow it, don't force it.
- Encourage frequent communication between father and son.
- Throughout your pregnancy, support your spouse and talk to the baby growing under her heart. After he is born, try to spend as much time as possible next to him. It is at this stage that you will begin to understand how to raise a real man from a boy, using only your skills and love for the child.
- Find free time, try to be at home as much as possible - endless business trips and irregular working hours take away from your baby the precious childhood spent with dad.
- Show emotions more often. The love, laughter and tears associated with your son are not considered weakness. Looking at you, the boy will understand that there is nothing shameful in this.
- Be disciplined and set a daily routine for your child. How to make him grow up successful man? Make his day useful, help him solve his problems. Gently, without assault, establish discipline standards, while calmly and firmly insist on respect for yourself and your mother.
- Know how to have fun with your son. Joint leisure should bring joy to both the child and you.
