Any harmonious or dysfunctional family has difficulties in life. Various tensions and omissions occur not only in young families, but also in families with significant experience. Conflicts and discord in the family greatly interfere with life loving spouses. In addition, they contribute to the fact that people develop a persistent feeling of dissatisfaction with their marriage.
For example, a smoking husband in the room, who does not care about the presence of a non-smoking wife and children, or a wife’s culinary abilities leave much to be desired. These kinds of circumstances cause some discomfort, but do not lead to sharp disagreements. The situation is much more serious when spouses experience a serious feeling of dissatisfaction with family life. Having appeared once, this feeling grows every day and leads to discord in the family. If the spouses do not make any efforts to eliminate it, the discord leads to the cessation of family relationships.
The basis of any family conflicts is the psychological illiteracy of the spouses, sexual ignorance, and pedagogical illiteracy. Each of these areas has many reasons for conflict. Some reasons come from spouses, others - in intra-family relationships, and still others are influenced by external factors.
Excessive demands placed on the other by one spouse also cause conflict between spouses. Expecting something from a person that is not there leads to disappointment and resentment towards the partner. Constant dissatisfaction, reproaches or, even worse, silence lead to the separation of spouses from each other, and then, if the situation is not resolved, to the breakdown of the family. Such people usually have high demands on others, but not on themselves.
At the initial stage of a relationship between a man and a woman, the feeling of falling in love and romance makes it difficult to evaluate a partner from a life position. Each person who gets married and starts a family has his own habits and views, which differ greatly from the views and habits of his other half. For example, one of the spouses loves cleanliness and order and has been accustomed to them since childhood, while the other has no idea about this, since he was always under the vigilant care of his parents. Already in the first months life together The neatness and thriftiness of one spouse and the lack of them in the other are manifested. These and many other “costs” of upbringing contribute to the emergence of conflicts from the very first days family life.
When many young people get married, they begin an independent life for which they find themselves completely unprepared. Such people were not taught independence by their parents, were not taught to compromise and give in to their wife or husband, to accept a person as he is, even with a lot of shortcomings, to respect his chosen one or chosen one and to be caring. Lack of preparation for marriage is one of the most common causes of conflict between spouses. It often manifests itself at the first stage of life together and often leads to the breakdown of the family. Statistics show that the probability of family divorce in the first year of life is up to 30% of the total number of marriages.
The cause of conflicts between spouses may be disharmony in sex life, which can arise as a result of loss of feelings of love, attraction to each other, loss of health due to smoking, alcohol abuse, and other aspects of family life. Thus, the first group of causes of conflicts between spouses includes the spouses themselves, their character, unpreparedness for marriage, and discord in intimate relationships.
The second group of conflicts includes the causes of intra-family conflicts involving children, representatives of the older generation, etc.
Any person, when getting married, strives to give birth and raise children. However, the birth of children inevitably leads to conflicts between spouses. With the birth of a child, the main burden of caring for him falls, as a rule, on the spouse. Since she is not working at the moment, she devotes all her time to the child and home. As a rule, the husband helps his wife in everything only for a while, and then his help becomes less and disappears altogether. The reasons for this may be either laziness, or unwillingness or inability to fulfill fatherly responsibilities. Fathers, as a rule, do not get up to bed at night crying baby, don’t go for walks with him, don’t wash diapers, etc. Naturally, all this is performed by a woman, which increases the woman’s physical activity. In addition, moral fatigue and frequent irritability are added, which is the cause of friction, disagreement and reproaches. This situation inevitably leads to conflict. Based on this, we can conclude that the wife’s excessive overload, her monotonous life, and the lack of help around the house are one of the main causes of intra-family conflicts between spouses.
Raising children is also the cause of many conflicts between spouses. Each parent wants to contribute to the child’s upbringing what he considers more appropriate. IN in this case, very often what one parent allows is prohibited by the other. It happens that grandparents are involved in raising children. If their views do not coincide with the views of the parents in raising a child, a conflict also arises, only the number of participants becomes larger. If in the created conflict common sense prevails, then everything is resolved peacefully and, as a rule, has no consequences.
The instability of the emotional character of one of the parents or both, the lack of desire to devote more time to raising children leads to “alienation” of parents and children, as well as quarrels between parents. Nowadays, due to economic, social and other problems, the material well-being of many families is declining. As a result, parents combine several jobs to feed their family. A woman adds household chores to her work, which reduces the time that could be devoted to children. The husband, for his part, does not want to help with the housework and spends time on the side, addicted to alcohol. All this and much more only heats up the situation in the family. Constant quarrels and clarifying the relationship between spouses becomes an integral part of family life. In this situation, parents sorting out the relationship least of all think about the children and the psychological trauma that they receive from their behavior.
The cause of conflicts between spouses may be the unsettled relationship between the newlyweds and their parents. IN modern world The housing problem is particularly acute, forcing a young family to live with the parents of one of them. The older generation has its own established habits and established way of life, unlike a young family. The process of harmonizing parents with a young family does not always go smoothly. Complications often arise and quarrels arise. Conflicting parties do not always strive to resolve conflict situation. The result is family breakdown. The same thing (divorce) happens to families who live separately from their parents, but for one reason or another (financial dependence) are unable to resist the “elders”.
We have not examined all the causes of conflicts that arise between spouses. Different life circumstances give rise to different conflicts. The main task of the spouses is to prevent conflict or reduce it to a minimum. There are several rules that, if followed, can prevent conflict from arising.
In particular, the remark to the spouse must be made in private in order to find out the reason for his behavior in order to prevent misunderstandings. Typically, spouses begin to sort things out in front of family members, acquaintances and in the presence of children. Such behavior is fraught with consequences, namely: loss of children’s respect, disruption of the children’s psyche, and teaching them to be permissive.
The second rule is that spouses must understand each other’s position, and not sharply reject it, and give the spouse the opportunity to express and justify their point of view. The ability to listen to another person determines the culture of communication in the family. In cases where the spouse is drunk, it is better to leave all the clarification of the relationship until later, since this can only escalate the situation and worsen the situation.
The third rule, which can prevent conflict between spouses, is that it is necessary to very quickly admit a mistake in order to eliminate possible unpleasant expressions and criticism.
The fourth rule is that during any quarrel or conflict there is no need to shout or insult your spouse. You must try to restrain your emotions and control yourself. IN real life they don’t know these rules, or they know them but don’t adhere to them.
You say there is nothing special in these rules. And I’ll tell you what there is - this is the law of mutual response, or reciprocity. How a person behaves towards others, so, logically, will be addressed to him.
Family life is never easy, problems and misunderstandings are present in every family, but if you really love each other, you can resolve any conflict, because no one has canceled compromises.
Family conflicts and ways to resolve them
Any intrafamily situation can theoretically become a conflict. This depends solely on the behavior of the spouses during the conflict.
When partners react sharply to any contradiction and try to prove that they are right, we are dealing with a conflict. However, if a difficult situation is discussed calmly and kindly, the spouses strive for reconciliation, and not to find out who is right and who is wrong, then the seriousness of the conflict is significantly reduced.
The three most unsuccessful tactics of behavior during family conflict:
1. Position of an outside observer.
An example of a conflict in a family: a wife discovered that her husband was completely indifferent to a broken tap. She silently waits for her husband to decide to pick up the tools! More often than not, the wait drags on and an explosion occurs.
2. Open conflict.
Another bad way conflict resolution: quarrel with reproaches, mutual claims and grievances.
3. Stubborn silence.
This method consists of mutual stubborn silence, when both parties are offended by each other, but no one comes to discuss the problem. In this case, the spouses are overcome by a feeling of self-pity, anxiety and resentment.
All of the above behavior patterns do not help resolve relationship problems. In order for the family to become a reliable support for the spouses, they must receive moral and psychological support from each other. In order for mutual trust to arise, it is important to be able to listen, understand and meet each other halfway.
Good ways to resolve conflict:
1. Open and calm dialogue.
Spouses should strive to meet each other halfway. It is important to discuss the current problem constructively, without accusations or reproaches, with the search for the optimal solution for both.
2. Understanding your partner.
Spouses should avoid negative tactics, such as ignoring, egocentrism, belittling the partner's personality, and use constructive ones: actively listening to the partner, understanding what is said and unsaid by him. 3. The ability to change.
It is necessary to be able to take steps towards your partner, change your position and views as the marriage makes its new demands.
4. Emphasize the importance of your spouse.
Showing your partner gratitude and that they are valued, respected and admired is one of the most effective ways win over your spouse, be heard and achieve mutual understanding on almost any issue.
A partner's trust can be destroyed due to the fact that his experiences are not taken seriously, are considered unimportant, insignificant, and not worthy of attention. If your partner’s experiences become the subject of ridicule and jokes.
When we feel like we are not understood, we feel lonely. You give up, and the desire to communicate and discuss something important disappears. So the spouses begin to move away from each other and cease to be one.
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According to experts who study the family, compatibility between marriage partners is not always achieved and usually not immediately (Kovalev S.V., Sysenko V.A.). Any, even the most private aspect of internal, deep-seated incompatibility will inevitably manifest itself on the surface in the form of behavioral conflicts.
According to N.V. Grishina’s definition, a conflict is a bipolar phenomenon (a confrontation between two principles), manifesting itself in the activity of the parties aimed at overcoming contradictions, and the parties are represented by an active subject (subjects).
Conflict- this is a common trait social systems, it is inevitable and inescapable, and therefore should be considered as a natural fragment human life. Conflict can be accepted as a form of normal human interaction. It does not always and not everywhere lead to destruction; this is one of the main processes serving to preserve the whole.
The value of conflicts is that they prevent the ossification of the system and open the way to innovation. Conflict is a stimulus for change; it is a challenge that requires a creative response. In a conflict, there is undoubtedly a risk of destruction of relations, the danger of not overcoming the crisis, but there is also a favorable opportunity to reach a new level of relations, constructively overcome the crisis and gain new life opportunities.
Kovalev S.V. notes that happy families They are distinguished not by the absence or low frequency of conflicts, but by their low depth and comparative painlessness and consequencelessness.
Types of conflicts.
In social psychology, the components of conflict are the objective conflict situation, on the one hand, and its images among the participants in disagreements, on the other. In this regard, the American psychologist M. Deutsch proposed considering the following types of conflicts:
- A genuine conflict that exists objectively and is perceived adequately (the wife wants to use the spare room as a storage room, and the husband as a darkroom).
- A random, or conditional, conflict that can easily be resolved, although this is not realized by its participants (the spouses do not notice that there is still space).
- Displaced conflict - when behind the “obvious” conflict something completely different is hidden (arguing over a free room, spouses are actually conflicting because of ideas about the wife’s role in the family).
- An incorrectly attributed conflict is when, for example, a wife scolds her husband for what he did, carrying out her own order, which she has already completely forgotten about.
- Latent (hidden) conflict. It is based on a contradiction that is unconscious to the spouses, but which nonetheless objectively exists.
- A false conflict that exists only because of the perception of the spouses, without objective reasons.
The real causes of the conflict are difficult to detect due to various psychological factors. Firstly, in any conflict, the rational principle is usually hidden behind emotions. Secondly, the true causes of the conflict can be reliably hidden and psychologically protected in the depths of the subconscious and appear on the surface only in the form of motivations acceptable to the self-concept. Thirdly, the causes of conflicts can be elusive due to the so-called law of circular causation (causality) of family relationships, which also manifests itself in marital conflicts.
Causes of marital conflicts.
V. A. Sysenko (1981) divides the causes of all marital conflicts into three large categories:
- conflicts due to unfair distribution of labor (different concepts of rights and responsibilities);
- conflicts due to unmet needs;
- quarrels due to shortcomings in upbringing.
Regarding the first reason, it should be noted that the main thing in the distribution family responsibilities It is precisely their consistency, as a result of which both traditional and egalitarian family models may turn out to be quite acceptable for family well-being if they satisfy both spouses. The search for this consistency can be fraught with conflict. A husband and wife may expect very different things from marriage and have different ideas about their family life. Moreover, the more these ideas do not coincide, the less stable the family is and the more dangerous situations arise in it. In such a case, we can talk about a mismatch of role expectations, a role conflict, or more broadly, a conflict of ideas.
If family members understand their roles differently and present each other with inconsistent, rejected by others, expectations and corresponding demands, the family is obviously incompatible and conflicting. The behavior of each person, which corresponds to his individual ideas about his family role, will be considered by him as the only correct one, and the behavior of the other partner, which does not meet these ideas, as incorrect and even malicious.
Closely related to these expectations and ideas are the needs that spouses would like to satisfy in marriage. If the ideas do not coincide, then the needs are in mutual disagreement: we strive to satisfy not those needs that are relevant for the other, and accordingly, we expect from him to satisfy those of our needs that he is not going to satisfy. Such a mismatch first turns into a hidden and then into an open behavioral conflict, when one of the spouses with his expectations and needs becomes an obstacle to satisfying the desires, intentions and interests of the other.
It is known that the family and marital needs of men and women are very different (Harley W., 1994). Age differences in family and marital needs were also discovered: if in at a young age(20-30 years old) for women the most important is the emotional, sexual, spiritual side of relationships (sincerity and openness in communication), then at the intervals of 30-40 and 40-50 years, along with the communicative side, the husband’s dedication to the family (the man’s fulfillment paternal responsibilities towards children), and after 50 years - financial support from the husband and help around the house (Andreeva T.V., Pipchenko T.Yu.
Conflicts in the family are also influenced by inadequate and contradictory family and marital ideas and expectations. In the psychological literature, three main reasons are identified for the discrepancy between family and marriage ideas of young people (Kovalev S.V.).
The first reason is due to the fact that our ideas about marriage and family become more refined and saturated with details, since the family is less and less consistent with the functioning pattern that has developed over centuries.
Previously existing transmission scheme family experience from parents to children began to fail more and more often. Thus, according to a survey conducted in Estonia back in the mid-1970s, only 12% of newlyweds intended to completely follow the example of their parents in their relationships, about 60% intended to do this partially, and the rest saw their family as completely different from their parents’ family. (quoted from: Kovalev S.V.).
The second reason is that family and marriage ideas are currently very far from ideal. Research conducted in Vilnius showed that these ideas are often limited to one aspect of life, mainly household or sexual. It turned out that in most cases the responsibilities of the gender to which the interviewee belonged were discussed in more detail, rather than those of the opposite gender. The greatest discrepancy between young men and women was in their ideas about how to support a good relationship in family. Representatives of the stronger sex saw their main task in her material support, forgetting about the moral and emotional support that a husband is obliged to provide to his wife. In contrast, representatives of the fairer sex emphasized the importance of this support and discussed it in detail.
The third reason is that the conflict of ideas of young spouses can become aggravated and aggravated due to very poor knowledge of each other’s ideas. This happens, firstly, because during the period of premarital courtship they prefer to discuss any topics except those that directly relate to family relationships. Secondly, the very short duration of this premarital courtship prevents them from finding out each other’s ideas.
In marital relationships, the role of marital communications, communication skills and culture is very important (quoted from: Kovalev S.V.). V. Satir (1992) drew attention to illusions and traps in communication, which often lead to conflicts.
American researchers V. Matthews and K. Mikhanovich identify 10 most important differences between happy and unhappy family unions. It turned out that in unhappy families spouses:
- do not think the same way on many issues and problems;
- poorly understand the feelings of another;
- say words that irritate another;
- often feel unloved;
- do not pay attention to others;
- have an unmet need for trust;
- feel the need for a person they can trust;
- rarely compliment each other;
- often forced to yield to the opinion of others;
- wish for more love.
S. V. Kovalev argues that for the happiness of a family, a fairly limited set of purely psychological conditions is necessary:
- normal conflict-free communication;
- trust and empathy;
- understanding each other;
- normal intimate life;
- having a home.
V. A. Sysenko subdivides everything relatively dysfunctional families into three types: conflict, crisis and problem.
Conflicting marital unions include those in which there are areas between the spouses where their interests, needs, intentions and desires constantly come into conflict, giving rise to especially strong and lasting negative emotions.
Crisis ones are those where the confrontation between the interests and needs of the spouses is particularly sharp and affects important areas of the family’s life.
Troubled marital unions- who have faced particularly difficult life situations, capable of causing a significant blow to the stability of a marriage: lack of housing and prolonged illness of one of the spouses, a long-term conviction, etc. However, the objective circumstances of a family’s life affect its well-being only through their subjective assessment by the spouses. In the specialized medical literature, there is the concept of “neurotic family”, used to characterize a family in which one spouse or both suffer from certain neuroses, and the latter leave a very noticeable and significant imprint on the marital relationship.
A. N. Kharitonov and G. N. Timchenko developed the author’s concept of the essence (definition and signs) of the difficulties of family relationships. According to the authors' definition, difficult family relationships(family difficulties) are negative, destructive interpersonal relationships in the family, associated with dissatisfaction of basic needs and requiring additional efforts of each family member and the entire family group on the path to achieving harmony, maturity and normal functioning.
Generalized sign of family difficulties is expressed in dissatisfaction or fragmented satisfaction with the basic needs of family members (or at least one spouse) in the process of communication difficulties, dissatisfaction with marriage, and family life in general. Basic single signs of a difficult relationship:
- Insufficient psychophysiological compatibility of spouses, including sexual compatibility, negative or unclear perception of physical attractiveness, acceptability of family members to each other.
- Insufficient personal maturity of parents, children (or only spouses) in accordance with gender, age, role in the family. Personality indicators: the presence of intrapersonal conflicts, anxiety, immoderation, mental stress, symptoms of neurotic reactions, neuroses; behavioral difficulties, accentuated features; insufficient adequacy in the level of maturity of various personal spheres of a family member; incomplete adaptation in microsocial processes; difficulties in self-regulation of one’s states, feelings, behavior, etc.
- Lack of mutual desire to satisfy the basic needs of husband, wife, children on the part of spouses and parents.
- The predominant presence in contacts sleeping within the family of negative, destructive emotions and feelings along with the presence of positive, constructive emotions and feelings.
- Cognitive mismatch in perception, understanding, and coincidence of values of spouses, parents and children.
- Rigidity, conflict, competition, uncompromisingness, poor adaptability in the interpersonal behavior of family members.
- Difficulty finding methods, methods, types of solutions various problems in the process of the family life cycle (Kharitonov A.N., Timchenko G.N.).
Perception of conflict situations in married life, first of all, depends on the personal qualities of each spouse. Difficulties in controlling one's own behavior also arise in situations of constant overwork. Thus, married working women have inappropriate reactions in the home environment when they react sharply to the usual pranks or misdeeds of children, husband’s activities, etc.
Many conflicts can be chronic. Typically, chronic conflicts are associated with socio-psychological attitudes of the individual that develop throughout life. This may be a fundamental disapproval of some features of the lifestyle and behavior of the husband or wife. Behind chronic conflicts are unsatisfied needs and fundamental incompatibility of characters, socio-psychological attitudes, views, and life positions. They are characterized by depth and consistency. Most often, from the point of view of the spouses, chronic conflicts are practically unsolvable and almost always represent a dangerous situation for the marriage (V. A. Sysenko).
Many authors associate conflict in relationships with parental family behavior patterns. Thus, S. Kratochvil notes that the individual learns to be masculine or female role largely from his parents and tends to unconsciously use his parents' model of relationships in his family, regardless of whether he likes them or not. Conflicts in young families are associated with differences in the rules that each spouse has learned from their parental family. Thus, in some families it is customary to resolve conflicts immediately and emotionally, while in others it is customary to resolve them rationally and calmly, after first breaking up and calming down. As a result, people learn various ways conflict resolution in ancestral families and in their own family behave the same way, while everyone believes that they are resolving the conflict correctly, but the other side does not. Each believes that the other is breaking the rules. The same applies to rules regarding housekeeping, financial expenses (saving money or spending it immediately), raising children and many household details (Richardson R. W.). This also applies to the views accepted in ancestral families regarding the priorities of household affairs ( perfect order, comfort, cooking) or raising children, their development, activities with children, their education. Many authors have noted greater stability and lack of conflict in families formed by partners from similar distribution of power, responsibilities and, in general, family structure and values (Kratochvil S). This can partly explain the greater stability of families formed by “natives” from the village, noted by many authors: in many aspects Everyday life(who should do what, how to run the household, what is important and what is not).
Tactics for resolving marital conflicts
Speaking about resolving marital conflicts, V. A. Sysenko believes that it is necessary:
- maintain a sense of personal dignity for husband and wife;
- demonstrate mutual respect and deference at all times;
- try to arouse enthusiasm in the other spouse, restrain and pacify manifestations of malice, anger, irritability and nervousness;
- do not focus on the mistakes and miscalculations of your life partner;
- do not blame the past in general and past mistakes in particular;
- use a joke or any distracting technique to relieve or pause growing mental tension;
- resolve looming conflicts by diverting to other safe topics;
- do not torment yourself and your partner with suspicions of infidelity and betrayal, restrain yourself in manifestations of jealousy, muffling the suspicions that arise;
- remember that in marriage and family it is necessary to demonstrate extreme patience, forbearance, kindness, attention and other positive qualities.
In relation to family conflicts, it is useful to listen to the recommendations of specialists in conflict management and interpersonal communication training. Destructive tactics (ignoring, belittling the partner’s personality, egocentrism) should be avoided and positive ones should be used. For example, use in interpersonal relationships so-called active listening - a system of actions that help focus the listener’s attention on the partner, activate the partner’s self-expression, perceive and understand what was said (and not said by him). Very relevant in family and marital relations is the use of emphasizing the importance of the partner (statements conveying to the partner messages that his contribution is valued, respected, grateful to him, admired by him), as well as emphasizing the commonality with the partner (statements stating the similarities between the speaker and his partner, common features, common positions, experiences, etc.).
American family psychotherapist Dean Delis demonstrates an interesting approach to conflict resolution. In his opinion, conflicts caused by the so-called “imbalance of objective circumstances” are the easiest to correct. By this term he understands tense situations that subside in families that find themselves in stressful situations, which D. Delis understands in a broad sense. This includes any changes, such as moving, the birth of a child, a wedding, changes in professional status, an accident, teenage rebellion, etc. The author includes the following tactics for resolving the imbalance of objective circumstances: firstly, you should blame the situation, not each other ( that is, it is necessary to realize the regularity of the changes in relationships); secondly, you should empathize with your spouse (try to take his position and express understanding of his difficulties); thirdly, one should negotiate to restore balance, avoiding vague sincerity. It is necessary to draw up specific and effective short-term and long-term plans to jointly change the situation that has arisen. D. Delis believes that there is always a way to improve a bad situation if partners take responsibility for finding the best way out and at the same time use tactics of non-accusatory communication.
Structured family therapy techniques: “Memories” (memories reveal what is troubling a person at the moment), “Family photographs” (family structure, role behavior, etc.), “Family puppet interview” (the played story is associated with conflicts in family), “Draw a dream” (good for children), etc. Sociometric techniques: “Family sculpture” (family members show intra-family relationships by depicting a sculpture), “Family choreography” (family scene without words), etc. Behavioral techniques: “Marital Conference” and “ Family Council" etc.
Introduction
Conflict- this is a conscious collision, confrontation of at least two people, groups, their mutually opposite, incompatible, mutually exclusive needs, interests, goals, types of behavior, relationships, attitudes that are essential for the individual and the group.
Conflicts are socially conditioned and mediated by the individual characteristics of the people’s psyche. They are associated with acute emotional experiences - affects, with the action of cognitive stereotypes - ways of interpreting a conflict situation, and at the same time with the flexibility and “ingenuity” of an individual or group in searching and choosing paths of conflict behavior, i.e. leading to increased conflict.
Participants in family conflicts are often not opposing parties who have adequately realized their goals; rather, they are victims of their own unconscious personal characteristics and an incorrect vision of the situation and themselves that does not correspond to reality.
Family conflicts are characterized by extremely ambiguous and therefore inadequate situations associated with the characteristics of people’s behavior in conflicts. Displayed behavior often masks true feelings and ideas about the conflict situation and about each other. Thus, behind the rude and noisy clashes between spouses, affection and love can be hidden, and behind the emphasized politeness - an emotional gap, chronic conflict, and sometimes hatred.
1. Family conflicts, their causes and consequences
Family conflicts- this is a confrontation between family members based on a clash of opposing motives and views.
In intrafamily conflict, both parties are most often to blame. Depending on what contribution and how spouses make to the development of a conflict situation, several typical models of behavior of spouses in interpersonal intra-family conflicts are identified (V.A. Kan-Kalik, 1995).
The first is the desire of the husband and wife to assert themselves in the family, for example in the role of head. Often here negative role“good” advice from parents plays a role. Any statement, request, or instruction is perceived as an encroachment on freedom and personal autonomy. To get away from this model, it is advisable to delimit the spheres of management of different areas of life in the family and carry it out collectively, with a reasonable unity of command.
The second is the spouses’ concentration on their own affairs. A typical “trail” of the previous way of life, habits, friends, reluctance to give up anything from your past life for the successful implementation of a new social role. Here it is important to take into account the adaptation factor: the gradual inclusion of a spouse in joint activities gradually accustoms him to a new model of behavior. Direct pressure usually complicates relationships.
The third is didactic. One of the spouses constantly teaches the other: how to behave, how to live, etc. This model of communication leads to a disruption of cooperation in the family and establishes a “vertical” communication system. Often, one of the spouses likes the position of the person being taught, and he imperceptibly begins to play the role of an adult child, while maternal or paternal notes gradually become stronger in the behavior of the other.
The fourth is “readiness for battle.” Spouses are constantly in a state of tension associated with the need to repel psychological attacks: the inevitability of quarrels has become stronger in everyone’s minds, intra-family behavior is structured as a struggle to win the conflict.
The fifth is “daddy’s daughter”, “mama’s boy”. The danger is that young spouses limit personal experience building relationships, do not show independence in communication, but are guided only by general considerations and recommendations of their parents, who, despite all their goodwill, are still very subjective and sometimes far from the psychological realities of relationships between young people. In the process of their formation, there is a complex adjustment of individualities, characters, outlook on life, experience
The sixth is concern. In communication between spouses, in the style, structure of family relationships, a state of concern and tension is constantly present as some dominant, this leads to a deficit of positive experiences.
Resolution of family conflicts can be ensured by reaching agreement on controversial issues. This is the most favorable option for resolving any family conflicts. But there are other forms of resolving such conflicts that are not constructive. An example of this could be the departure of children from the family, deprivation of parental rights, etc. Such permission places a heavy burden on parents or children and causes them severe emotional and psychological experiences.
Causes of conflicts in the family
Conflict is a clash of opposing opinions, views, interests and needs. There are several reasons that cause frequent conflicts in the family:
- different views on family life;
- unmet needs and empty expectations;
- differences in spiritual interests;
- selfishness;
- infidelity;
- disrespectful attitude towards each other;
- reluctance to participate in raising children;
- jealousy;
- domestic unsettlement;
- disrespect for relatives;
- reluctance to help around the house;
- mismatch of temperaments;
- drunkenness of one of the spouses, etc.
These are not all the reasons that cause conflicts in the family. Most often there are several reasons, and the last one is not the main one.
Psychotraumatic consequences.
Conflicts in the family can create a traumatic environment for spouses, their children, and parents, as a result of which they acquire a number of negative personality traits. In a conflict-ridden family, negative communication experiences are reinforced, faith in the possibility of the existence of friendly and tender relationships between people is lost, negative emotions accumulate, and psychotrauma appears. Psychotrauma more often manifests itself in the form of experiences that, due to their severity, duration or repetition, have a strong impact on the individual. Psychotraumatic experiences are identified as a state of complete family dissatisfaction, “family anxiety,” neuropsychic tension and a state of guilt.
A state of complete family dissatisfaction arises as a result of conflict situations in which a noticeable discrepancy appears between the individual’s expectations in relation to the family and its actual life.
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Mechanisms of family conflicts and their dynamics
There are four main stages in the course of a conflict as a process (K. Vitek, 1988; G.A. Navaitis, 1995):
- the emergence of an objective conflict situation;
- awareness of an objective conflict situation;
- transition to conflict behavior;
- conflict resolution.
Conflict becomes a reality only after realizing the contradictions, since only the perception of a situation as a conflict gives rise to appropriate behavior (it follows that a contradiction can be not only objective, but also subjective, imaginary). The transition to conflict behavior is actions aimed at achieving one’s goals and blocking the achievement of the opposite party’s aspirations and intentions. It is important that the opponent’s actions must also be perceived by him as conflicting. This stage is associated with an aggravation of the emotional tone of relationships and their progressive destabilization.
There are two main ways to resolve conflicts: changing the objective conflict situation and transforming its “images”, ideas about the essence and nature of the conflict that opponents have.
Family conflicts are usually associated with people’s desire to satisfy certain needs or create conditions for their satisfaction without taking into account the interests of the partner. There are many reasons for this. These include different views on family life, unfulfilled expectations and needs, rudeness, disrespectful attitude, adultery, financial difficulties, etc. Conflict, as a rule, is generated not by one, but by a complex of reasons, among which the main one can be conventionally identified - for example, the unmet needs of the spouses.
Classification of conflicts based on unmet needs of spouses
1. Conflicts, disagreements arising on the basis of an unsatisfied need for the value and significance of one’s “I”, violation of the sense of dignity on the part of the other partner, his dismissive, disrespectful attitude.
2. Conflicts, disagreements, mental tensions based on the unsatisfied sexual needs of one or both spouses.
3. Mental stress, depression, conflicts, quarrels due to the unsatisfied need of one or both spouses for positive emotions: lack of affection, care, attention, understanding of humor, gifts.
4. Conflicts, quarrels related to the addiction of one of the spouses to alcoholic beverages, gambling and other hypertrophied needs, leading to wasteful and ineffective, and sometimes useless expenditure of family funds.
5. Financial disagreements arising from the exaggerated needs of one of the spouses in the distribution of the budget, family support, and the contribution of each partner to the financial support of the family.
6. Conflicts, quarrels, disagreements due to the dissatisfaction of the spouses’ needs for food, clothing, setting up a home, etc.
7. Conflicts in connection with the need for mutual assistance, mutual support, cooperation on issues of division of labor in the family, housekeeping, and child care.
8. Conflicts, disagreements, quarrels based on different needs and interests in recreation and leisure, various hobbies.
Using the category need in the theory of marital conflict allows us to move on to motives and interests, negative and positive emotions, to the analysis of various types of depressive and other pathological conditions, neuroses, the source of which can be family troubles. The categories stability - instability of marriage, its conflict-free nature also depend on meeting the needs of the spouses, especially emotional and psychological ones.
According to the degree of danger to family ties, conflicts can be:
§ non-hazardous - occur in the presence of objective difficulties, fatigue, irritability, “ nervous breakdown"; Having started suddenly, the conflict can quickly end. They often say about such conflicts: “By morning everything will pass”;
§ dangerous - disagreements arise due to the fact that one of the spouses, in the opinion of the other, should change his line of behavior, for example, in relation to relatives, give up some habits, reconsider life guidelines, parenting techniques, etc. , that is, a problem is posed that requires resolving the dilemma: to yield or not;
§ especially dangerous - lead to divorce.
Let's consider the mechanisms of some family conflicts
1. They didn’t get along in character - the motive is “purely” psychological. The severity of conflicts and their frequency, the strength of emotional outbursts, control over one’s own behavior, tactics and strategies for the behavior of spouses in various conflict situations depend on individual character traits.
Each person chooses methods, techniques and methods of activity based on the characteristics of his character. They form an individual style of behavior in the work and everyday spheres of life. By “individual style of activity” we mean a system of techniques and methods of action characteristic of this person and appropriate for achieving a successful result. You need to remember this and not strive to “re-educate” or “remake” the other partner, but simply take into account or adapt to the properties of his nature, his individual style.
However, some character flaws (demonstrativeness, authoritarianism, indecisiveness, etc.) themselves can be a source of conflict situations in the family. There are traits that lead to the destruction of a marriage, regardless of the partners’ desire to adapt, for example, egocentric character traits of spouses. Their concentration on self is a defect moral development- one of the factors destabilizing marriage life. Usually spouses see only their partner’s selfishness, but do not notice their own. “Struggle” with others stems from a false position in life, from a false understanding of moral relations with other people.
2. Adultery and sex life in marriage. Cheating reflects contradictions between spouses and is the result of various psychological factors. Cheating is caused by disappointment in marriage and disharmony in sexual relations. In contrast to betrayal and infidelity, fidelity is a system of obligations to a marriage partner, which are regulated by moral norms and standards. This is a conviction in the value and significance of the obligations assumed. Often fidelity is associated with devotion and is associated with the desire of partners to strengthen their own marriage and relationship.
It is important to understand that sexual need can be truly satisfied only against the backdrop of positive feelings and emotions, which are possible provided that emotional and psychological needs are satisfied (for love, for maintaining and preserving self-esteem, psychological support, protection, mutual assistance and mutual understanding) .
3. Domestic drunkenness and alcoholism. This is a traditional motive for divorce. Alcoholism is a typical drug addiction, formed on the basis of regular consumption of alcoholic beverages over a number of years. Chronic alcoholism should be distinguished from everyday drunkenness, which is caused by situational factors, defects in education, and low culture. If public measures are sufficient in the fight against everyday drunkenness, then chronic alcoholism, which leads to mental disorders and a number of other diseases, requires medical treatment.
Alcohol abuse by one of the spouses creates an abnormal atmosphere in the family and a constant basis for conflicts and scandals. Psychotraumatic situations arise for all family members and especially for children. The risk of developing neuropsychiatric disorders increases sharply, and the likelihood of having children with various disabilities and anomalies increases. Material difficulties appear, the sphere of spiritual interests narrows, and immoral behavior appears more often. The spouses are increasingly moving away from each other.
In general, the dynamics of family conflicts are characterized by classical stages (the emergence of a conflict situation, awareness of a conflict situation, open confrontation, development of open confrontation, conflict resolution and emotional experience of the conflict). But such conflicts are characterized by increased emotionality, the speed of each stage, the forms of confrontation (reproaches, insults, quarrels, family scandals, disruption of communication, etc.), as well as methods of their resolution (reconciliation, reaching agreement, grinding in relationships based on mutual assignments, divorce, etc.).
3.
Psychological features of the development of the first child in the family. The only child in the family
The first child is in many ways similar to the only one. The adult world has a huge influence on him, and he begins to be driven by the desire to compete with his elders. The first child is usually conservative because he is used to protecting his position. He is very responsible and prefers verbal confrontations to physical ones. He has a keenly developed sense of duty, and his integral and purposeful nature is worthy of trust.
The appearance of a brother/sister unexpectedly deprives him of power and throws him back into the world of children. And then the struggle begins to regain the lost first place in the hearts of parents. The habit of using one's power over siblings later manifests itself in the desire to dominate others and always be in control of the situation.
He has a strong character, and pressure from his parents forces him to be extremely demanding of himself. He always sets the bar very high, and then never feels like he has achieved enough. The fact that he is the first and the eldest gives him a feeling of his own exclusivity for the rest of his life, makes him calm and self-confident.
Researchers have found that only children and, to some extent, first children are more likely to prefer intellectual and research activities. Children who are not first born are more likely to gravitate towards careers related to the arts and work outside the office.
"These results are consistent with the theory that birth order influences a child's personality," said Frederick T. L. Leong, study co-author and professor of psychology at The Ohio State University. “Typically, parents have different expectations and preferences for their child depending on their birth order,” Leong continues. - For example, parents may be overprotective of their only child and worry about his or her physical safety. Perhaps this is why the only children in the family are more likely to show interest in intellectual work than in physical activity. Besides only child receives more time and attention in the family than those who have brothers and sisters.”
An only child has the characteristics of both an older child and a younger one. An only child very often inherits the character traits of a parent of the same sex. Because parents have special expectations for their only child, he usually does well in school. Only children are often very closely attached to their parents throughout their lives and have great difficulty separating and living independently. Having fewer opportunities to play with other children, an only child can already resemble a small adult in childhood and feel quite comfortable alone. Only children, due to their greater attachment to their parents, often look for traits of their father or mother in their partner.
An only child is usually surrounded by increased attention from adults. Due to their age, the older generation is especially sensitive to children. Many grandparents dote on their only grandchild. But overprotection, as we know, gives rise to children's fears. The anxiety of adults is passed on to children. They can grow up to be dependent and dependent.
Psychologists and educators around the world are concerned about the infantilism of modern teenagers and young people. This, of course, is a separate and very extensive topic of conversation. Not the least reason for teenage infantilism is the upbringing of children in one- or two-child families, when the overprotectiveness of adults does not allow the child to grow up normally. And it, being an egoist, is sure that being an adult means having a lot of rights and almost no responsibilities.
It is believed that an only child has more opportunities for intellectual development, but this is another common misconception.
Only children play little or not at all role-playing games. They have no one to learn from, no one to play with. And the gap in such games has a detrimental effect on the entire development of the child, including intellectual development. After all, it is precisely this kind of game that gives the little man a three-dimensional understanding of the world.
Children from such families have completely different social experiences. When faced with life outside the home, such a child often suffers psychological trauma. Once in kindergarten or when he arrives in first grade, out of habit, he expects that he will be singled out from those around him
In a family with one child, it is very important to maintain connections with relatives. An only child needs a large family. Then he will practically not suffer from loneliness.
According to psychologists, the personal life of the “sole heirs” is usually a “tracing copy” of the parental marriage. As experience shows, by the time their children are born, they suddenly acquire pragmatic sanity, completely “forgive” their parents for the absence of brothers and sisters and... have one and only “heir.” Why? Most likely, habit takes its toll. They do not have models of upbringing and behavior in a family where several children are growing up.
S. Freud was the first psychiatrist to notice that “the position of the child among sisters and brothers has vital importance throughout his subsequent life." For example, it is known that the eldest children in the family have some common characteristics: achievement orientation, leadership qualities. In addition, the eldest child is first raised as the only one. Then, when his privileged position has become familiar to him, his “place” in the soul of the parents is taken by the newborn. When the "capture" occurs before the age of five, it is an extremely shocking experience for the child. After five years, the eldest already has a place outside the family, in society, and therefore is psychologically less disadvantaged by the newcomer.
Observing the basic principles of married life together allows you to avoid many mistakes.
- It’s realistic to look at the contradictions that arise before and after marriage.
- Do not create illusions, so as not to be disappointed, since the present is unlikely to meet the norms and criteria that were planned in advance.
- Don't avoid difficulties. Overcoming difficult situations together is an excellent opportunity to quickly find out how ready both partners are to live according to the principle of a bilateral compromise.
- Understand the psychology of your partner. To live in harmony, you need to understand each other, adapt, and also be able to “please” each other.
- Know the value of little things. Small but frequent signs of attention are more valuable and significant than expensive gifts, which sometimes hide indifference, infidelity, etc.
- Be tolerant, be able to forget grievances. A person is ashamed of some of his mistakes and does not like to remember them. You should not be reminded of what once disrupted the relationship and what should be forgotten.
- Be able to understand and anticipate the desires and needs of a partner.
- Do not impose your demands, protect the dignity of your partner.
- Understand the benefits of temporary separation. Partners can get tired of each other, and separation allows you to understand how much you love your other half and how much you currently miss it.
- Take care of yourself. Carelessness and carelessness give rise to hostility and can lead to serious consequences.
- Have a sense of proportion. Ability to accept criticism calmly and kindly. It is important to emphasize first of all the advantages of the partner, and then point out the shortcomings in a friendly manner.
- Understand the causes and consequences of infidelity.
- Don't fall into despair. When faced with a stressful situation in marital life, it would be wrong to “proudly” separate and not look for a way out. But it’s even worse to maintain at least external balance through humiliation and threats
Conclusion
In a prosperous family there is always a feeling of joy today and tomorrow. In order to preserve it, spouses need to leave bad moods and troubles outside the door, and when they come home, bring with them an atmosphere of elation, joy and optimism. If one spouse is in a bad mood, the other should help him get rid of his depressed mental state. In every alarming and sad situation, you need to try to catch humorous notes, look at yourself from the outside; Humor and jokes should be cultivated in the home. If troubles arise, do not be alarmed, try to sit down calmly and consistently understand their causes.
Depending on their resolution, conflicts can be divided into two types:
Creative - represents a certain patience in relations with each other, refusal of insults, humiliation; searching for the causes of conflict; willingness to engage in dialogue, desire to change existing relationships.
Destructive - represents insults, humiliation: the desire to offend, to teach a lesson more, to blame someone else. The result: mutual respect disappears, communication with each other turns into a duty, often unpleasant.
It is necessary to determine what is the basis for generating conflict in the family:
1. Unsatisfied need for self-affirmation.
2. The desire of one or both spouses to realize primarily personal needs in marriage (selfishness).
3. Inability of spouses to communicate with each other, with relatives, friends and acquaintances, and work colleagues.
4. Strongly developed material ambitions in one or both spouses.
5. Reluctance of one of the spouses to participate in housekeeping.
6. The presence of inflated self-esteem in one or both spouses.
7. The reluctance of one of the spouses to raise children or a divergence of views on methods of education.
8. Differences in spouses’ ideas about the content of the roles of husband, wife, father, mother, and head of the family.
9. Misunderstanding as a result of reluctance to engage in dialogue.
10. Different types temperament of spouses and inability to take into account the type of temperament.
11. Jealousy of one of the spouses.
12. Adultery of one of the spouses.
13. Sexual coldness of one of the spouses.
14. Bad habits one of the spouses and the associated consequences.
15. Special cases.
It should be noted that any of the above conflicts has its own resolution and, with the right, interested approach, does not lead to a breakdown in family relationships.
etc.................
In a family conflict, as a rule, both parties are to blame. There are several typical causes of family conflicts.
Six main causes of conflict in the family:
1. The desire of the spouses to assert themselves in marriage as the head of the family.
This idea is untenable because it contradicts the basic principle of the family: mutually supporting each other on a psychological and economic level. As the spouses assert themselves, their relationship begins to deteriorate. Any request, statement or instruction is perceived as an encroachment on personal freedom.Exit: Spouses need to divide areas of management in different areas of family life and manage together.
2. Selfishness of spouses.
Upon marriage, each partner continues to have a trail of previous habits, friends and lifestyle. Misunderstanding in relationships lies in the spouse’s reluctance to give up his past life in order to fit in with his new one. social status. Many people do not want to realize that marriage requires a new way of life and ask the question: “Why should I give up my favorite activities?”Exit: It is necessary to gradually include the spouse in joint family activities in order to gradually accustom him to the new social role and behavior patterns. A direct attack will not lead to anything good.
3. Instructions from one of the spouses.
One of the spouses constantly teaches the other how to live and behave. Instructions can concern any area of life together. This irritates the partner, leads to emotional stress, blocks attempts to be independent and develops a feeling of inferiority.Exit: Realize that every person has the right to judge their own behavior, thoughts, emotions and take responsibility for their consequences. Every person has the right to be his own judge. It is necessary to tactfully convey this idea to the teaching spouse.
4. Constant struggle.
Spouses are constantly in a state of tension, because the idea of the inevitability of quarrels has become firmly established in everyone’s minds. Family life is built as a struggle for victory in a conflict. Constant quarrels in marriage have long-term consequences associated with the strengthening of troubles in the relationship.Exit: Spouses need to rebuild their relationship model and learn new behavioral skills in the family.
5. Mama's boy/daddy's girl.
The problem is that the parents of the spouses are constantly involved in family life. Their instructions prevent spouses from building personal relationship experience, because they are guided only by the recommendations of their parents, which are rarely subjective and useful for a young couple.Exit: Limit parental interference in personal life - stop discussing family life. Do not complain about your spouse to your parents. Make all decisions about your own behavior in marriage and relationships with your spouse independently.
6. Nervous preoccupation and anxiety.
In some marriages, there is constant tension and concern in the communication style between spouses. This leads to a lack of joyful experiences.Exit: If one of the spouses is in a depressed mood, the other should calm him down and help him get rid of his preoccupation. mental state.
In a successful marriage there is a feeling of joy and anticipation of even greater happiness. In order for this feeling to persist, spouses must leave troubles and bad moods outside the home. When communicating with family members, it is important to always be in high spirits, share optimism and joy.
It is important to be able to see something funny in every unpleasant event and to cultivate a sense of humor at home. IN difficult situations When problems and troubles arise, you need not to panic, calm down and consistently delve into the reasons.
