The only child in the family: myths and truth. The only child in the family: how to raise it correctly

From birth, only children develop in a special atmosphere. Surrounded for a long time only by adults, they receive a more limited personal experience compared to children with brothers and sisters. Psychologists at the beginning of the last century were very skeptical about such a family structure. The words of the American psychologist S. Hall that being an only child means already having a disease in oneself were constantly quoted in specialized and popular literature. However, such an unambiguous assessment is not sufficiently substantiated and has recently encountered more and more objections. But let's take it in order.

The main thing in the development of an only child is that he long time communicates closely only with adults. Being alone - small in the "land of giants" - is not so easy and simple. Not being able to compare himself in a family setting with brothers and sisters of a similar age, and seeing in front of him only unattainable, capable and capable adults, the child acutely feels his weakness and imperfection. Thus, indirectly, the child becomes discouraged by the developmental situation itself and may ultimately lose faith in his own abilities.

Only child always in front of their parents. They are vigilant, notice when he fails at something, when it is difficult for him, and rush to help. If in big family The baby just can’t fasten the button and only after the tenth unsuccessful attempt, bursting into tears, does he receive help; then the only child often makes only the first attempt, and then half-heartedly. Only children, as a rule, receive too much help, and over time the baby begins to perceive himself as constantly in need of help. This internal position is illustrated by a drawing of the family of six-year-old Yarik (Fig. 1). Surrounded by his mom and dad, he portrayed himself as insignificantly small, helpless, and in need of care.

Picture 1.

Developing in the atmosphere overprotectiveness, only children not only lose confidence, but also get used to taking service and parental help for granted, demanding it when necessary and not necessary. The child begins to feel strength in his weakness and abuses the attention and care of others. This is how parents often simply fall into the snare of a little despot: he needs help in everything, he cannot be denied anything. Otherwise - hysteria, tears, anger or another demonstration of weakness. The child sometimes uses less familiar ways of manipulating the parents’ behavior. For example, he demonstrates night terrors, somatic disorders (headaches, stomach pains, etc.) in order to keep his parents in constant care of him, in order to insist that it be the way he (she) wants. Children become little tyrants, and parents, although they feel exhausted because of this, do not understand what is happening: they think that the child is simply overly sensitive or sick.

One family of three developed a relationship structure that became a serious problem for the parents. The eight-year-old girl began to be afraid to stay at home alone and went to bed only when her mother was sleeping next to her. The mother had to organize her work so that she could always be with the girl when she was at home. During these periods, the mother could not even go to the store - the girl plaintively asked to stay, as she was scared. Started to get worse and marital relations, since the wife spent all her energy in the evening putting the girl to bed, and besides, the girl constantly lay next to the spouses.

A thorough psychological analysis of family relationships showed that the girl simply uses her fears and her weakness to gain her own benefits. Every child feels uncomfortable staying alone in an apartment, sleeping alone in their room. However, for most children, overcoming themselves and their fears serves as a means to achieve self-esteem and recognition from their parents. In the family we described, the girl bases her behavior on a position that is not useful to her: “I achieve and do what I want only when I am weak.”

It can be understood - this attitude has developed on the basis of everyday experience. However, her future fate and life in the family depend entirely on whether she will find herself in situations in which she will see the benefit not from her powerlessness, but from strength, overcoming herself. If this happens, and her parents or someone from the outside can help her with this, then the girl will not have to be treated for real neurosis in the future.

Another characteristic feature of the development of only children is that they do not have the opportunity to communicate closely with other children of their age (brothers, sisters), which most often leads to incorrect self-esteem. Only children tend to consider themselves unique, valuable, and place themselves above others. At school, where they find themselves in situations of comparison with other children that often reveal their inflated egos, they struggle to maintain a fictitious self-image. To achieve this, they often play pranks and pranks.

The lack of opportunity to communicate closely with brothers and sisters also makes it more difficult for only children to communicate with peers. Firstly, they do not have experience in how to adapt to the needs of other children and do not take into account their interests. An only child often has a different vocabulary from the rest. His speech contains many terms that he and the children around him do not understand, adult expressions, and it is not easy for him to understand children's jokes.

All this leads to the fact that only children are less popular among their peers, which, in turn, affects the development of the child’s personality. Experiencing a lack of close communication with other children, only children already in preschool age begin to actively seek such contacts. They ask their parents to “buy” them a brother or sister; in other cases, they passionately want to have a dog or a cat. The need to have a constant companion in games, a friend in the family with whom one could communicate on equal terms, is also reflected in their drawings of the family. Like Ramune, a girl of five and a half years old, they very often include cousins ​​in the family (Fig. 2. It shows two in order cousins, father, mother, herself) or supplement the family with different living creatures: cats, dogs, birds, etc. (see Fig. 3, in which the boy supplemented the family with a really absent dog and cat, or Fig. 4, in which the girl portrayed a turtle as her friend).

Figure 2.

Figure 3.

Figure 4.

However, the development situation of only children has its positive aspects. Firstly, they receive more attention and love from their parents. Only in those cases when parents “go too far”, do not leave room for the child’s initiative, do not give him the opportunity to try his own strength, to overcome obstacles, there is more harm than good. Unfortunately, the trend is exactly this: after all, his parents have only one. However, there are parents who overcome this “weakness” of theirs and create a normal environment for their child’s development.

Secondly, parents of an only child have more opportunities to develop his abilities and be more attentive to his inner world, his experiences. Being closer to the child, parents have more influence on the development of his personality than in other families. Thus, we can conclude that both bad and good aspects of parenting in single-child families leave a stronger mark on the child's personality. Socially, only children also have certain advantages over others. More time is spent on their education, various tutors are involved, children are placed in various clubs, etc. Later, in their youth, only children are better provided financially, which is important for starting an independent life.

When it comes to one-child families and raising an only child in them, many contradictions arise in the interpretation of positive and negative consequences such an exceptional position of the child in the family group. Not only in everyday life, but also in the scientific community, there are different, often mutually exclusive, views on this matter, which further complicate the already difficult problem of raising and developing the personality of an only child in a family. There is not and cannot be an unambiguous answer to the questions: “Is it good or bad to be the only one in the family?” As T.V. rightly notes on this matter. Andreeva, children who have no brothers and sisters have both the best and the worst of worlds. Since an only child is both the eldest and the youngest, he accordingly possesses both the characteristics of the eldest child and retains childlike characteristics into adulthood.

Let's consider those positive aspects that have a beneficial effect on peace of mind and the development of the only child in the family.

Due to his special position in the family, he receives much more affection, attention and care from adults than if there are several children in the family. And if we also take into account the fact that his grandparents are involved in his upbringing, then he is literally “bathed” in love. Noting the positive side of this attitude towards the only child in the family, experts believe that he is more emotionally stable than other children, because he does not know the worries associated with sibling rivalry. According to A. Adler, the position of an only child is unique - he does not have a brother or sister with whom he would have to compete.

It is quite natural that parents place special hopes on their only child and create the most favorable conditions for him both in everyday life and in any type of activity. The advantage of having an only child is that there are many adults involved in caring for him, his development, upbringing and education (by the way, and financial support, which is also important in modern conditions). Therefore, he usually does well and is particularly successful in school, is successful in life, and shows the highest results in most tests of knowledge and logical abilities (compared to children with a different birth order). Constantly being in the company of adults, such children mature much faster than their peers, are introduced to serious types of intellectual activity early, have a high level of self-esteem (quite justified) and easily tolerate loneliness.

A characteristic feature of only children is the desire for perfection, sometimes reaching to the extreme (perfectionism). Therefore, they become extremely upset if they do not succeed in everything they do.

Researchers have found that only children in the family often prefer intellectual and research activities. Parents may be overprotective of their only child and worry about his or her physical safety. Perhaps this is why the only children in the family are more likely to show interest in intellectual work than in physical activity. In addition, the only child in the family receives more time and attention than those who have brothers and sisters. In addition, parents can draw his attention to those areas where a prestigious career is possible, such as medicine or law.

At the same time, it should be noted that in raising an only child, many problems arise, which parents are not always able to resolve properly, which cannot but affect their mental well-being and the formation of the child’s personality.

For certain advantages that the only child in the family is endowed with, he has to pay for a number of obligations that his parents place on him. On the other hand, parents themselves often suffer no less than their child, worrying for any reason about his well-being, successes, achievements, fearing mistakes, mistakes and difficulties that he may encounter.

The only child very soon becomes the center of the family. The concerns of the father and mother, focused on this child, usually exceed the useful norm. Parental love in this case is distinguished by a certain nervousness. The illness of this child or death is endured very hard by such a family, and the fear of such misfortune always faces the parents and deprives them of the necessary peace of mind. Many grandparents, who dote on their only grandson or granddaughter, join in the care of their parents. But overprotection, as we know, gives rise to children's fears. The anxiety of adults is passed on to children. It is known that those who were overly cared for and controlled in childhood are not capable of bold, decisive actions as adults.

Very often, an only child gets used to his exclusive position and becomes a real despot in the family. This “child-centrism” leads to the formation of consumer psychology: children begin to consider their relatives as their appendage, existing only to satisfy their needs and whims. This is especially evident in adolescence, when a crisis occurs associated with a heightened sense of adulthood.

It is believed that an only child has more opportunities for intellectual development, but this is a common misconception. Only children play little or not at all role-playing games. They have no one to learn from, no one to play with, because adults cannot replace the community of peers in which he acquires social experience accessible to his age. And the gap in such games has a detrimental effect on the child’s entire development, including intellectual development. After all, this is the kind of game that gives little man three-dimensional view of the world.

An only child is only raised in the parental family, so he does not know what it is to take care of a younger one. His slightest desire is immediately fulfilled by numerous relatives, so he is used to only accepting help, but does not think that others also need it, so he does not strive to help anyone with anything. As an adult, he maintains the position of the only, adored child in relationships with peers, with colleagues, and even in relationships with his marital partner.

The only child tries to impose the position of superiority that has developed in the family in relationships with parents and other relatives on his social environment outside the family group. He has long been under the control and protection of loving parents and expects the same care and protection from others. The main feature of this lifestyle is dependence and self-centeredness. Such a child continues to be the center of the family throughout childhood, and later, as it were, awakens and discovers that he is no longer the center of attention. The only child never shared his central position with anyone, nor did he fight for this position with his brother and sister. As a result, he has difficulties in relationships with peers.

Children from such families have completely different social experiences. When confronted with life outside the home, such a child often suffers psychological trauma. Once in kindergarten or first grade, he habitually expects to be singled out from those around him. And when this doesn’t happen, he first becomes upset and then begins to worry about it, which is far from in the best possible way affects both his educational success and his emotional and mental state.

The negative aspects of raising an only child are that he is not used to the difficulties of other people, so throughout his life he feels most comfortable alone.

An only child is a truly difficult parenting challenge. Parents tend to see him as a child for a longer time, and until he reaches adulthood, he considers his own infantilism to be almost his main advantage, because for the time being this provides him with considerable privileges in the parental home. He spends a lot of time among adults, often taking part in discussions of problems that are beyond his reach, in order to once again hear the admiration of others about him. His early “adulthood” manifests itself only in excessive skepticism and verbal assessments. The only child in the family often becomes a victim of parental egoism, which is expressed in exaggeration of his capabilities and achievements.

Even pedagogically trained parents are often overwhelmed by parental vanity to such an extent that they cause direct damage to the formation of the child’s personality, his timely competent professional guidance, etc.

Since the only child is not used to close communication with other children, he often does not know how to behave in intimate relationships later, when he gets married. It does not perceive "peaks" and "troughs" in Everyday life with others and therefore has difficulty accepting and understanding normal mood changes. He cannot get used to the fact that the person who is angry with him now will soon laugh and joke. This does not mean that an only child does not like other people and cannot be part of a group, but his own company is most preferable for him.

With fewer opportunities to play with other children, an only child tends to be less playful and may even resemble a miniature adult as a child. Early adult conversations give him a high development of speech skills, but in mature age he turns out to be the least talkative. An only child does not understand light banter (and acceptance of jokes) with social equals. However, although it takes a significant amount of time for an only child to get used to a person to establish a normal relationship in childhood, most of them adapt well into adulthood.

More than any other child, an only child inherits the characteristics of its parent of the same sex. In fact, an only child may imitate the same-sex parent's characteristics until he experiences difficulty or stress that brings out the only child's own characteristics.

One of the main mistakes in raising an only child in a family is the desire to surround him with excessive care and protect him from any troubles. Despite initially good intentions, this situation has a number of sad consequences. But a child is a future adult who will need to be able to exist in this world independently.

An inadequate degree of care leads to the formation of learned helplessness in a child, when he gives up in the face of the slightest difficulty. Then parents readily come to the rescue, leaving the child no opportunity to think about the situation on his own.

Only children often become master manipulators, taking advantage of their situation.

Sometimes in adolescence, such children begin to protest against inadequate care, which radically changes the situation. This stimulates the development of the frontal lobes, which are responsible for planning and forecasting skills. In this case, the child has every chance of entering adult life person adapted to independent living.

Features of social adaptation

Fear for an only child can lead to social isolation. Parents would prefer to leave their child within their reach than to send them out for a walk with their peers. For children who lack self-confidence, this is a particularly fatal mistake that can make them outcasts in children's team.

Having not acquired the skills to communicate with other children in time, such a child himself begins to avoid interaction in the future. In adulthood, poor socialization causes serious problems. Modern world requires communication skills and knowledge of human psychology, but the victim of social isolation does not master this and is often afraid to try.

Parents' expectations for their only child are often too high. They encourage him to be the best in everything. After this, a person will throughout his life perceive failures inadequately, feeling guilty for not meeting expectations.

Being primarily around adults stimulates early speech development, the vocabulary is often full of complex concepts. This fact affects mental development in principle. Often such children have many creative hobbies, and as adults they choose a creative profession.

“...Family starts with children. A new element enters life, some mysterious person knocks on it - a guest who is and who is not, but who is already necessary, who is passionately awaited. Who is he? Nobody knows, but whoever he is, he is a happy stranger, with what love he is greeted at the threshold of life!..."

(p. 138 Herzen A.I. “With the mind and heart. Thoughts on education”, edited by Monakhov N.I. Moscow Publishing House of Political Literature 1986)

Introduction

The family is the source and mediating link in transmitting socio-historical experience to the child, and above all, the experience of emotional and business relationships between people. Taking this into account, we can rightfully assume that the family was, is and will be the most important institution education and socialization of the child.

The family is a cell of a social organism, living in a single rhythm, reflecting, like a drop of water, and big ideas, and big common goals.

Modern science has numerous data indicating that without compromising the development of a child’s personality it is impossible to refuse family education, because it gives the child the whole gamut of feelings, the widest range of ideas about life. In addition, its strength and effectiveness are incomparable with any, even very qualified, education in a kindergarten or school.

When it comes to one-child families and raising an only child in them, many contradictions arise in the interpretation of the positive and negative consequences of such an exceptional position of the child in the family group. Not only in everyday life, but also in the scientific community, there are different, often mutually exclusive, views on this matter, which further complicate the already difficult problem of raising and developing the personality of an only child in a family. There is not and cannot be an unambiguous answer to the questions: “Is it good or bad to be the only one in the family?”

More than 60% of all Russian families with children are families with one child. But at the beginning of the last century, such a situation was rare. And since then, children growing up without brothers and sisters have traditionally had a bad reputation in our minds: spoiled, selfish, not adapted to life... Some of these stereotypes go back to the works of the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler. Back in the 1920s, he argued that only children in a family had difficulty communicating: having no brothers and sisters, the only child was “stuck” in his mental development at a stage when the whole world revolved around him. Later in the 1950s, advocating large families, French psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto argued that only children are successful academically, but from the point of view of interaction with others, they are completely unadapted people. The work of modern psychologists shows that only children are in no way inferior to those who grow up with brothers and sisters, and even have a slight advantage in academic success, motivation and self-esteem. ( Based on materials http://psychologies.ru )

And yet... It’s not the easiest test to be the only object of your parents’ love. Yes, the only child in the family enjoys it and gets used to special privileges. But how to ensure that they do not serve him badly in later life? A lot here depends on the behavior of the parents.

1. The only child in the family.

“Since the appearance of Anton Semenovich Makarenko’s Book for Parents, the idea of ​​a certain inferiority of a child raised in a one-child family has become commonplace. He is either selfish, or overly affectionate, or dependent, accustomed to “holding on to his mother’s skirt.” Has anything changed since then? (p. 148 Dialogues on education edited by Stoletov V.N. Moscow “Pedagogy” 1982)

Despite the increase in the birth rate and the increase in the number of children on playgrounds, many families are limited to one child. Some parents, making a choice in favor of one child, are motivated by insufficient financial status, while others, who are more affluent, complain about a lack of time.

“Every truth, as we know, is concrete. Its specificity is determined by time. Many years have passed since the mid-thirties. And what years! Not only the hardest war in history and the unprecedented pace of creation, the discovery of atomic energy and space flights. These were the years of spiritual formation of the people. His intellectual and moral maturation. The number of people with secondary and higher education has increased hundreds of times. Along with education, culture has grown, including pedagogical culture. The means of direct and indirect pedagogical propaganda have increased immeasurably. All this created a different, distinctive from the thirties psychological climate families. Made real what Anton Semyonovich considered an “exceptionally difficult task” (p. 148 Dialogues on education edited by Stoletov V.N. Moscow “Pedagogy” 1982)

And in a theoretical ideal, everything is so beautiful and wonderful: the Presidential Decree on maternity capital, subsidized payments to large families, the right to take advantage of the construction of a house on an allocated plot of land, etc., demographic indicators of the birth rate, unfortunately, are not increasing. What is the reason for this situation? There are plenty of answers.

In the psychological dictionary:only children (only children) - children called "only", in terms of birth order, if they have no brothers and sisters and are raised alone by their parents (parent).

Explanatory Dictionary of the Living Russian Language - V. Dal deciphers the word “single” as follows - one or single, which has no equal or friend; incomparable; exceptional; solitary, singular, only one.(slovari.299.ru ›)

Parents of an only child believe that he will not need anything, will develop better, and will not be deprived of their attention, like children from large families. They are right in some ways, there is another side to the coin.

The intellectual development of an only child is ahead of his peers; he not only begins to speak earlier, but also read, since his parents pay a lot of attention to him and try to develop his abilities.

Usually, such a child “grows up” early, knows how to communicate with adults on equal terms and express his opinion. Such children have quite high self-esteem. It is also believed that an only child will grow up to be emotionally stable because he does not worry about sibling rivalry. [Gippenreiter Yu.B. Communicate with the child. How? - M.: “Myrt”, 2007. – 240 p., p. 33].

Having many opportunities, he can fully realize himself and take his rightful place in society.

“I felt that I was being guided through life not by blind chance, but loving hand and my invisible father’s heart beats for me,” this is how the great storyteller Hans Christian Andersen begins his autobiography. He was an only child. Most only children grow up with a deep sense of the reliability of the world and their own security. Knowing that your parents' hearts beat for you - what could be more reassuring and comfortable as a child? ( Based on materials http://psychologies.ru )

Due to his special position in the family, he receives much more affection, attention and care from adults than if there are several children in the family. And if we also take into account the fact that his grandparents are involved in his upbringing, then he is literally “bathed” in love. Noting the positive side of this attitude towards the only child in the family, experts believe that he is more emotionally stable than other children, because he does not know the worries associated with sibling rivalry. According to A. Adler, the position of an only child is unique - he does not have a brother or sister with whom he would have to compete.

It is quite natural that parents place special hopes on their only child and create the most favorable conditions for him both in everyday life and in any type of activity. The advantage of having an only child is that there are many adults involved in caring for him, his development, upbringing and education (by the way, and financial support, which is also important in modern conditions). Therefore, he usually does well and is particularly successful at school, is successful in life, and shows the highest results in most tests of knowledge and logical abilities (compared to children with a different birth order). Constantly being in the company of adults, such children mature much faster than their peers, are introduced to serious types of intellectual activity early, and have high level self-esteem (quite justified) and easily tolerate loneliness.

A characteristic feature of only children is the desire for perfection, sometimes reaching to the extreme (perfectionism). Therefore, they become extremely upset if they do not succeed in everything they do.

Researchers have found that only children in the family often prefer intellectual and research activities. Parents may be overprotective of their only child and worry about his or her physical safety. Perhaps this is why only children in the family are more likely to show interest in intellectual work than in physical activity. In addition, the only child in the family receives more time and attention than those who have brothers and sisters. In addition, parents can draw his attention to those areas where a prestigious career is possible, such as medicine or law. (websiteyouth79.ru › …v…vospitaniya…trudnosti-vzrosleniya )

At the same time, it should be noted that in raising an only child, many problems arise, which parents are not always able to resolve properly, which cannot but affect their mental well-being and the formation of the child’s personality.

For certain advantages that the only child in the family is endowed with, he has to pay for a number of obligations that his parents place on him. On the other hand, parents themselves often suffer no less than their child, worrying for any reason about his well-being, successes, achievements, fearing mistakes, mistakes and difficulties that he may encounter.

2. Features of raising an only child in the family.

There are two most common points of view on this matter. First: the only child turns out to be more emotionally stable than other children, because he does not know the worries associated with rivalry between brothers. Second: an only child has to overcome more difficulties than usual in order to acquire mental balance, because he lacks a brother or sister. No matter what psychologists say, the life of one - the only child in a family often develops in such a way that confirms precisely this, second, point of view. Difficulties, however, are not absolutely inevitable, and yet they occur so often that it would be foolish not to notice them.

Undoubtedly, parents with an only child usually pay excessive attention to him. They care too much about him just because he is their only one, when in fact he is just the first. And indeed, few of us are able to calmly and competently treat our firstborn the way we later treat subsequent children. The main reason here is inexperience. There are, however, other reasons, which are not so easy to detect. Apart from some physical limitations, some parents are frightened by the responsibility that the appearance of children imposes on them, others fear that the birth of a second child will affect their financial situation, others, although they will never admit it, simply do not like guys, and one son or one daughter is enough for them.

Some obstacles to the mental development of children have a very specific name - greenhouse conditions, when the child is groomed, cuddled, pampered, caressed - in a word, carried in their arms. Because of such excessive attention mental development it inevitably slows down. As a result of the excessive indulgence with which his parents surround him, he is sure to face very serious difficulties and disappointments when he finds himself outside home circle, since he will also expect attention from other people, which he is used to in his parents’ house. For the same reason, he will begin to take himself too seriously. Precisely because his own horizons are too small, many little things will seem too big and significant to him. As a result, interacting with people will be much more difficult for him than for other children. He will begin to withdraw from contacts and seclude himself. He never had to share with brothers or sisters parental love, not to mention games, his room and clothes, and he finds it difficult to find mutual language with other children and their place in the children's community.

How to prevent all this? With the help of the second child. But if some special problems can be resolved in a similar way, then where is the confidence that by giving birth to another child, you can immediately achieve complete adaptation of the first. In any case, we must by all means overcome our desire to raise a child in greenhouse conditions. It can be argued that raising an only son or only daughter is much more difficult than raising several children. Even if the family is experiencing some financial difficulties, it cannot be limited to one child. The only child very soon becomes the center of the family. The concerns of the father and mother, focused on this child, usually exceed the useful norm. Parental love in this case is distinguished by a certain nervousness. The illness of this child or death is endured very hard by such a family, and the fear of such misfortune always faces the parents and deprives them of the necessary peace of mind. Very often, an only child gets used to his exclusive position and becomes a real despot in the family. It is very difficult for parents to slow down their love for him and their worries, and willy-nilly they raise an egoist.

For mental development, every child requires mental space in which he could move freely. He needs internal and external freedom, free dialogue with the outside world, so that he is not constantly supported by the hand of his parents. A child cannot do without a dirty face, torn pants and fights.

An only child is often denied such space. Consciously or not, the role of a model child is imposed on him. He must say hello especially politely, read poetry especially expressively, he must be an exemplary cleaner and stand out among other children. Ambitious plans are being made for him for the future. Each manifestation of life is carefully observed, with hidden concern. Lack of good advice the child does not experience it throughout childhood. Such an attitude towards him carries the danger that the only child will turn into a spoiled, dependent, insecure, overestimating, scattered child [Kulikova T. A. Family pedagogy and home education: Textbook for students. medium and higher ped. textbook establishments. - M: Publishing center "Academy", 2007. - 232 p., p. 38-40].

But this may not be the case, since there are fundamental rules in behavior with only children. They can all be formulated in one sentence, which should become a law for every family with one child: just no exclusivity!

3. Difficulties of raising an only child as a family

The only child very soon becomes the center of the family. The concerns of the father and mother, focused on this child, usually exceed the useful norm.

Very often, an only child gets used to his exclusive position and becomes a real despot in the family. This “child-centrism” leads to the formation of consumer psychology: children begin to consider their relatives as their appendage, existing only to satisfy their needs and whims. This is especially pronounced in adolescence, when a crisis occurs associated with a heightened sense of adulthood.

It is believed that an only child has more opportunities for intellectual development, but this is a common misconception. Only children play little or no pretend play. They have no one to learn from, no one to play with, because adults cannot replace the community of peers in which he acquires social experience accessible to his age. And the gap in such games has a detrimental effect on the entire development of the child, including intellectual development. After all, it is this kind of game that gives a little person a three-dimensional understanding of the world.

An only child is only raised in parental family, so he doesn’t know what it’s like to take care of a younger one. His slightest desire is immediately fulfilled by numerous relatives, so he is used to only accepting help, but does not think that others also need it, so he does not strive to help anyone with anything. As an adult, he maintains the position of the only, adored child in relationships with peers, with colleagues, and even in relationships with his marital partner.

The only child tries to impose the position of superiority that has developed in the family in relationships with parents and other relatives on his social environment outside the family group. He was under control and protection for a long time loving parents and expects the same care and protection from others. The main feature of this lifestyle is dependence and self-centeredness. Such a child continues to be the center of the family throughout childhood, and later, as it were, awakens and discovers that he is no longer the center of attention. The only child never shared his central position with anyone, nor did he fight for this position with his brother and sister. As a result, he has difficulties in relationships with peers.

Children from such families have completely different social experiences. When confronted with life outside the home, such a child often suffers psychological trauma. Once in kindergarten or first grade, he habitually expects to be singled out from those around him. And when this does not happen, he first becomes upset and then begins to worry about this, which does not have the best effect on both his educational success and his emotional and mental state.

The negative aspects of raising an only child are that he is not used to the difficulties of other people, so throughout his life he feels most comfortable alone.

An only child is a truly difficult parenting challenge. Parents tend to see him as a child for a longer time, and until he reaches adulthood, he considers his own infantilism to be almost his main advantage, because for the time being this provides him with considerable privileges in the parental home. He spends a lot of time among adults, often taking part in discussions of problems that are beyond his reach, in order to once again hear the admiration of others about him. His early “adulthood” manifests itself only in excessive skepticism and verbal assessments. The only child in the family often becomes a victim of parental egoism, which is expressed in exaggeration of his capabilities and achievements.

Even pedagogically trained parents are often overwhelmed by parental vanity to such an extent that they cause direct damage to the formation of the child’s personality, his timely competent professional guidance, etc.

Because an only child is not used to close interactions with other children, he often does not know how to behave in intimate relationships later when he gets married. He does not perceive the peaks and valleys in everyday life with others and therefore has difficulty accepting and understanding normal mood changes. He cannot get used to the fact that the person who is angry with him now will soon laugh and joke. This does not mean that an only child does not like other people and cannot be part of a group, but his own company is most preferable for him.

With fewer opportunities to play with other children, an only child tends to be less playful and may even resemble a miniature adult as a child. Early adult conversations give him a high development of speech skills, but in adulthood he turns out to be the least talkative. An only child does not understand light banter (and acceptance of jokes) with social equals. However, although it takes a significant amount of time for an only child to get used to a person to establish a normal relationship in childhood, most of them adapt well into adulthood.

More than any other child, an only child inherits the characteristics of its parent of the same sex. In fact, an only child may imitate the same-sex parent's characteristics until he experiences difficulty or stress that brings out the only child's own characteristics.

Parents who have only one child live under great stress. Their child is both the first and the last, he is their only chance to show their parenting abilities, so they strive to do everything right.

Most only children have a clear sense of self (this also applies to first children who were also only for some time). Their self-expression and self-development are encouraged, their interests and capabilities are taken to heart. Their efforts are encouraged and their successes are rewarded [Interpersonal relationships of a child from birth to seven years. / Ed. E. O. Smirnova. – M., 2007. – 217 p., p. 185-187].

Taking advantage of the increased attention and support of their parents, they can quickly become imbued with an exaggerated sense of their own importance; their self-esteem, as a rule, is inflated. In relationships with people, only children often consider their own opinions to a much greater extent than those of others. In this case, they must be taught to respect the legitimate needs of others.

4. Problems of a modern family with an only child.

At present, when the requirements for educating the younger generation have increased, the general culture of the family has increased significantly, it is necessary to raise the scientific level of pedagogy of family education of schoolchildren to the level of pedagogy of public education, which has a solid scientific psychological and pedagogical basis.

The family, although it is a unit of society, is distinguished by a certain privacy, intimate nature of life and relationships, and individual way of life.

The family, being a kind of collective, must form a collectivist orientation in the child by the time he enters school, prevent the development of egoistic traits, and take care of the implementation of this task in the practice of family education.

In a significant number of families, relationships between adults and children in everyday life and in different types Activities develop in such a way that the child becomes a passive object of the upbringing and teaching influences of adults; the child’s communication with an adult can be sparse and monotonous. Under these conditions, it becomes difficult for the child to form as a member of the family team and the children’s group, and it becomes difficult to establish closeness between parents and the child, which can have especially detrimental consequences in the near future for the child and parents. Creating a moral microclimate in the family promotes the emotional and moral development of younger children school age(L.V. Zagik).

IN moral education The child's parents usually make it difficult to instill the principles of discipline and obedience. N.A. Starodubova rightly considers obedience as the emotionally conscious active behavior of a child and, based on familiarity with the advantages and mistakes of family education, shows how necessary it is in family education, taking into account age characteristics, change the child’s position in the family (from passive to active participation in family life) and certainly ways to influence him [Sukhar E. Mistakes in family education: Advice for parents // Education of schoolchildren. – 2005. - No. 3. – P.46-48., c. 47].

Organizing joint classes with parents for primary schoolchildren enriches the lives of children and has a positive effect on their moral and mental development and contributes (with certain pedagogical guidance) to the development of humane forms of behavior and relationships.

If in a family, often with the help kindergarten, significant attention is paid to the comprehensive and special preparation of preschoolers for school (especially for the family), but their moral and volitional preparation is often clearly insufficient, which negatively affects the learning and behavior of first-graders at school.

Often, each parent tries to make their only child prodigy, thereby loading the child to the limit. However, overprotection does not allow the development of creativity. On the contrary, taking for granted the care and attention of others, the child can “get stuck” in the illusion that the present is only what the other person guessed and insisted on. In general, “Mom knows best what I need.” The result is a socially immature personality, susceptible to all sorts of more or less harmless manipulations.

Practice shows that parents of only children have different attitudes towards the need to set clear boundaries for their children. Some will never learn to say “no” to their only one, or to prevent various childhood “disgraces.” It is easier for an adult to clean up scattered toys after a child or wipe a dirty table, thereby voluntarily and unwittingly maintaining the situation of “avoiding growing up.” As a result, parents of only children often feel overwhelmed by their beloved child as if it were hard work, and feel exhausted and discouraged.

The position of an only child contributes to early psychological maturation: constantly participating in the lives of adults, he early learns to analyze the actions of other people and begins to show interest in intellectual activities, for example, reading. On the other hand, early psychological maturity may be a consequence of the moral and psychological burden that parents place on the child. The situation becomes especially delicate if he lives in a single-parent family (most often with his mother). A mother, completely absorbed in caring for her child, tends to build a selfish relationship with him, which can lead to a shift in roles. “If a girl becomes her mother’s best friend, then a boy, whom his mother overly surrounds with her tenderness, unconsciously turns into her forbidden lover. And this is the result of the natural logic of the development of their relationship: the more the mother herself lacks love, the more passionate her relationship with her son will be. What could be the consequences? Having become an adult, the son will continue to cling to his mother, be afraid of life and collect his love failures: after all, not a single woman can compare with the one who loved him so selflessly! “In such a family, the boy is “married” from birth - to his mother,” comments Anna Skavitina. The girl may have problems of a different kind. Completely identifying herself with her mother, she becomes her mirror, a reflection of her unconscious desires. “Often in adolescence, a daughter and mother turn into real rivals. In order to free himself from the influence of his mother and gain independence in such a situation, a teenager cannot find any other way other than open conflict" [Anzorg L. Children and family conflict: Per. with him. – M.: Education, 2007. – 490 p., p. 160-161].

Feeling such a responsibility not shared with anyone, growing up, the child will either fiercely defend himself from other people, or, conversely, constantly take care of everyone and become an exemplary “vest”. Therefore, a mother who is raising a child alone should think about whether she has her own interests in life, whether she still has time for herself, whether she continues to lead intimate life. “It’s not just about the intimate side: it’s important that the mother lives full life, without focusing exclusively on the child and not “devoting his whole life to him,” explains Alexander Wenger [Jainott H. Parents and children // Knowledge. – 1991. - No. 4. – P. 17 – 29., p. 18-20].

To summarize, it cannot be said that being an only child is good or bad - the main thing for parents is to raise the child “correctly”, to facilitate his communication with other children and peers. Sometimes it can be harder to raise one child than two or three children. If parents understand their child, he grows up no worse than other children and can be more developed, responsible and attentive to his parents.

When identifying tasks for the future, it is worth noting a number of important issues, the solution of which is aimed at significantly improving the upbringing of children in the family.

Continuing systematic work with parents in terms of mental development children and preparing them for school, it is necessary to intensify the search for the specifics of this work, to prevent copying and repetition in family conditions of forms and methods of teaching practiced at school.

In moral education, it seems important to pay more attention to equipping parents with knowledge and skills in the field of instilling in children the habits of cultural behavior, the formation of humane, collectivistic manifestations, and the cultivation of the principles of patriotic and international feelings, making wider use of the specific living conditions of the family for this purpose ( joint work, leisure, games, etc.).

Comprehensive research by teachers, psychologists, sociologists and doctors is needed in the field of comprehensive - physical, moral, mental and aesthetic - education of children preschool age when solving the core task - close unity of the principles of ideological, moral and labor education.

So, an only child is usually surrounded by increased attention from adults. Due to their age, the older generation is especially sensitive to children. Many grandparents dote on their only grandchild. But overprotection, as we know, gives rise to children's fears. The anxiety of adults is passed on to children. They can grow up to be dependent and dependent. Those who were overly cared for and controlled in childhood are not capable of bold, decisive actions as adults.

In general, it is harmful for a child to feel like the center of the Universe, around which satellite planets revolve - his family.

And in single-child families this is almost inevitable. This “child-centrism” leads to the formation of consumer psychology: children begin to consider their relatives as their appendage, existing only to satisfy their needs and whims. This is especially pronounced in adolescence.

Far from it last reason teenage infantilism, raising an only child in families where the overprotection of adults does not allow him to grow up normally. And he, being an egoist, is sure that being an adult means having a lot of rights and almost no responsibilities.

In this regard, parents should think about how best to formulate for themselves the goals of raising their child, namely, the goal and motive of raising a child is a happy, fulfilling, creative, useful to people this child's life. Family education should be aimed at creating such a life. The connection between upbringing and other types of activities, the subordination of upbringing to certain motives, as well as the place of upbringing in a person’s holistic personality - all this gives the upbringing of each parent a special, unique, individual character.