Once upon a time there lived He and She. And Love came to them... And they began family life, dreaming of living happily ever after and dying on the same day, because they couldn’t imagine their lives without each other. They had a lot of expectations, worries, happiness, worries, and tears. And somehow, unbeknownst to herself, that wife fell into dependence on her husband.
Husband is king, god and lord
There was that dependence not because the children were like peas in the shops, and the husband was the only breadwinner in the house. Not because the young woman married the old, expecting to live as a lady, without worries and hassle, even depending on the generosity of her husband. Such financial dependence in a relationship is not scary when it suits both parties. No, that dependence arose from the great love of the wife for her husband. So, at least, it seemed to the woman herself.
She loved him so much, idolized him so much that she elevated him to the rank of master, controlling all her thoughts and actions. In the morning he will prepare the vestments, serve the royal breakfast in bed, and faithfully await the return of his master after a working day. Not a step out of the yard, no fun with girlfriends, no plans for the future without the consent of my husband. And there are no outside desires, just to be next to him, to hold his hand, to faithfully look for a response to your love in his eyes.
One big fear lived in her constantly - losing her beloved. One big concern constantly overcame me - to earn a good attitude towards myself, to prove that I was worthy of the love and affection of my betrothed. And the more she loved him so much, the less joy there was in her life, the more time passed in the difficult expectations of her husband, who was increasingly reluctant to return to her.
There is such a disease - dependence on your husband
Unfortunately, statistics show that every third woman who comes for a consultation with a psychotherapist suffers from love addiction from my husband. A psychologist can easily determine when women confuse love with love addiction. After all, their manifestations are diametrically opposed.
Love inspires, charges with positivity and vital energy. Dependence on a husband is only called love, but love here is supplanted by the fear of being left alone. This fear deprives a woman of the ability to experience pleasure in life, since all her strength and desires are directed toward keeping her husband close to her.
There are a number of symptoms by which a woman dependent on a man immediately recognizes herself:
- lack of personal hobbies and circle of friends;
- a tendency to sacrifice one’s interests, desires, and comfort to please one’s husband;
- inability to say no;
- the desire to always be good for him, to earn his love;
- terrible panic at the thought of losing her husband;
- inability to make your plans and make your decisions without looking at a man.
Emotional dependence on husband
Love addiction is also emotional dependence, because a woman does not receive the necessary satisfaction from life. A woman tries to get a lack of emotional experiences, even negative ones, from her husband. Envy and jealousy grows towards the husband’s more interesting, eventful and meeting-filled life outside the walls of the house. Resentment, reproaches, growing aggression towards the spouse and simultaneous attempts to justify his inattention and indifference to her needs lead to constant suffering.
The husband is nearby, he said kind word- again I feel good and calm in my soul, I went away - terrible thoughts besiege the woman, depriving her of peace. Such emotional swings exhaust her both physically and mentally. It is no coincidence that emotional dependence is officially recognized as a disease.
Treatment of emotional dependence on husband
It is possible to begin treatment only with the woman recognizing the existence of the very problem of psychological dependence on her husband. Next, psychologists usually suggest that you stop filling all your spouse’s time and space with yourself, switching your energy to sports, work, and hobbies. And, of course, learn to respect yourself!
However, if it were so easy for a dependent woman, it is unlikely that she would find herself in such a situation at all.
Sometimes psychologists, saying that emotional dependence is rooted in childhood, offer individual psychotherapy sessions as treatment. Some people cite a woman’s lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem due to the lack of love from her parents in childhood as the cause of dependence on her husband. Others argue that initially a woman’s selfishness forces her to shift all responsibility for her and making decisions in the family to her husband, which later ultimately leads to dependence on him.
Who becomes addicted to their husband?
However, traditional psychology does not explain why not all unloved or selfish people fall into the trap of psychological dependence. In fact, only those women who are naturally endowed with an exceptional talent for loving and creating lasting emotional connections can fall into such dependence. System-vector psychology Yuri Burlana speaks of them as people with a visual vector.
They have a special vision, capable of noticing beauty even where the gaze of others slides past. They are great lovers of reading, dreaming and imagining. They have the greatest emotional amplitude, allowing them to instantly move from tears to laughter and back. At the same time, it is easy to exaggerate the emotions experienced, both positive and negative.
Only love helps them overcome their innate fear of death. It is about them that they sing: “parting is a little death,” because for them life without love loses its meaning. They are afraid of losing her, so they are ready to do anything to prevent this from happening.
We all come from childhood
Of course, the presence of a woman’s visual vector does not mean that she will necessarily become emotionally dependent on her husband. Those women with a visual vector who in childhood, due to some circumstances, could not be given a feeling of security and safety by their mother, fall into psychological dependence. For the proper development of the child’s psyche, every child must receive care, unconditional love, and protection from their parents. A girl with a visual vector, like no other, needs love.
If a girl with a combination of visual and anal vectors hears praise and words of approval only in exchange for fulfilling some conditions of adults, she develops the understanding that love and care can only be earned. To do this, you need to be good for others, even to the detriment of your own desires. In addition, the girl’s psyche is traumatized when she hears from adults: “Why are you so ugly?”, “Who will love you?”, “No one will marry you, look at yourself!” Having fallen in love and gotten married, such a girl will believe that she cannot simply be loved. Hence the desire to earn the love of her husband by constant readiness to live only for his sake, to always be good, comfortable and kind.
A girl with no cutaneous-optic ligament vectors in childhood emotional connection with parents does not allow the development of sensuality. All her emotions remain in the range of all kinds of fears. The fear of being alone will force her to cling to her husband, with whom she experienced strong emotions, even if these feelings have already outlived their usefulness.
Sexual addiction to husband
In women who are psychologically dependent on their husbands, there is another dependence on him - sexual. It does not matter whether the woman is hypersexual compared to her husband or, conversely, whether her needs for sex are more modest than his.
A woman with an anal-visual combination of vectors gets used to one partner, especially if he is her first, and cannot imagine life with another man. For her, any changes are a serious stress, and here the question also concerns family - the main value of the owners of the anal vector.
In addition, at the moment of sexual intimacy, a woman receives a feeling of security and safety. Her fears are relieved for a while. At this moment, the woman with the visual vector experiences the strongest emotional experiences. You can imagine how great the difference is between everyday fear and these states - you want more and more.
What does dependence on a husband lead to?
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan emphasizes the most important role of the emotional connection between spouses, which a woman must create. It is this connection that keeps people close over the years. It is built in conditions of complete trust in the couple. However, in conditions of sexual and emotional dependence, a woman cannot overcome the fear of losing her husband.
Psychological dependence on a husband destroys both the woman and the family as a whole. The husband, depending on the structure of his psyche, may try for a long time to convince his wife of his love for her, get tired of her total presence, give up and leave. Another is quite satisfied with such a dependence of his wife, who clearly will not get away from him, no matter what he does, no matter what lifestyle he leads. It is convenient for him to have a woman ready for anything at hand. He cleverly manipulates her using the carrot and stick method.
One day there comes a time when the wife can no longer bear her dependence on her husband.
How to get rid of emotional dependence on your husband
In response to this question, systemic vector psychology gives precise advice: understand your inner world, find out your mental structure, look your fears in the eye and start living. All this can be done at the free online training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.
A woman with a visual vector is not endowed with such a reserve of love in order to get a man for her indefinite use. A woman must give her endless potential of love, emotions, and talents to those who need it at the moment. The emotions received in response will more than fill her needs for love, recognition, and will give her new strength and desires. The lost faith in yourself and your capabilities will return, and a taste for life will appear.
This will allow you to remove from your life everything that interferes with your enjoyment. First of all, get rid of dependent relationships. It is not necessary to divorce your husband for this. As soon as a woman changes from the inside with the help of system-vector psychology, everything around her changes, including her husband’s attitude towards her.
In addition, the woman gets rid of all fears. Fear of being alone, of not being able to cope with life's difficulties, of not meeting new love. The absence of fears allows you to breathe deeply and greet every new day with a smile. An inspiring example is the numerous reviews from those who have already understood how to avoid emotional dependence on their husbands and have built harmonious family relationships:
“... Previously, I couldn’t be without my loved one for a long time, when I had to be separated for just one or two days, I started to panic, I couldn’t find a place for myself. Now this fear (I can’t call that feeling any other way) is gone. The feeling of peace and security does not leave me, even when we are not together. And I know that I will never feel alone again. And what happiness it is to make the one you love happy. It seems that only now I truly understand the meaning of these words. To melt from tenderness or passion when you are nearby, and to know that he feels the same, to see the reflection of your own happiness in his eyes, to feel how your soul trembles with joy when you meet... My God, I never even dreamed of SUCH love! And now we both know how to preserve it and preserve it for many years..."
The knowledge gained about the structure of the husband’s psyche contributes to liberation from addiction. Understanding his desires, characteristics, life priorities, temperament, sexuality, it is easier to build an emotional connection, find common ground, and avoid conflicts.
If you have found signs of emotional dependence on your husband and want to get rid of it in order to love without destroying your relationship with your loved one, just register for the nearest free online training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan. As a major bonus, you will receive a huge amount of knowledge on how to raise happy children who will never become emotionally dependent on their partners.
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
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Question for a psychologist:
Hello. I am 35 years old and I have problems in my relationship with my husband.
We have been married for 6 years, before that we dated for almost 5 years. The relationship was not cloudless all the time; a lot had to be overcome: his alcoholism, economic crises, quarrels. Now objective circumstances have more or less improved, my husband has not drunk for 5 years, found a decent job, and made a career. But I still have a feeling of losing myself. I am too focused on my husband, I always take seriously everything he says and does, I am greatly influenced by him. This is my problem. I am very dependent on his emotions and suffer greatly from his incontinence. When he gets angry or irritated, I get scared. But he does not restrain the expression of his emotions, easily loses his balance and then takes a long and difficult time to come to his senses. If something irritates him or makes him angry, he may shout or swear. He can get very “freaked out” over some little thing.
At the same time, if I myself allow myself to demonstrate negative emotions, which is extremely rare and less aggressive, I immediately demand to stop. He cannot clearly and calmly express his complaints and wishes to me; if he thinks that I am to blame for something, he is silent, ignores me, sometimes for a long time, up to a day. For me, experiencing my husband’s grievances is extremely difficult, even physically: there is pressure behind the sternum, tears begin to flow, there is a feeling of a hole inside that eats up a huge amount of energy. Even if he is offended as a joke, I cannot help but take it seriously. I feel his mood very strongly: if he is not in a good mood, I feel very uncomfortable, I can’t do anything, I can’t relax, I want only one thing: to “correct” his mood, to make “everything normal.”
I would like to understand what could be the reason for my perception of another person? Yes, love is great, but it's like I "live around" him. If I can use a metaphor, then I am like a weather vane, and my husband’s mood is like the wind; I turn to where he blows. It seems to me that this is no longer very healthy. I would like to learn to accept different things more calmly emotional states husband, show him your love and concern, but at the same time remain calm, do not lose balance, do not feel fear and anxiety.
Psychologist Alina Vladimirovna Lelyuk answers the question.
Margarita, hello!
Most of our complexes and troubles come from childhood. And it is laid down in the child-parent relationship. Most often, strong emotional dependence occurs when in childhood a child experiences psychological trauma of being ignored, rejected, and rejected. When there is no emotional connection between the child and parent. Or the child has experienced emotional, physical, spiritual or sexual abuse or violence.
Or, as a child, the parents punished the child with silence without explaining what he was guilty of, what he did wrong, or what the parents were not happy with. Without any explanations or conversations, a regime of silence, coldness and detachment was activated. Which parent behaved this way towards you?
Emotional dependence can also occur if parental family was incomplete if one of the parents used alcohol, drugs, or if someone long time was sick and other family members looked after him. If there were depressed and depressed individuals in the family.
When it was not customary for the family to discuss conflicts or any unpleasant topics or situations. Everyone just pretended there were no problems. And even if scandals arose, then everyone tried to pretend that everything was fine, as before. Everything was kept silent. That is, there was no emotional contact. And then the adult either tries not to get deeply involved in the relationship, keeps everyone at a great distance. Or he dissolves in his partner. Completely ignoring your desires and needs, living only to please your chosen one in everything. And completely dependent emotionally on the mood and actions of the one who is nearby.
What exactly influenced your dependence on your husband is difficult to say just from a letter. Here again, parental attitudes could also play a role - “you need to be good for everyone; only when you are completely satisfied - you good girl" “When he gets angry or irritated, I’m scared” - who yelled at you as a child? Who were you afraid of? You need to deal with this and relive these situations until they are completely neutralized.
Often addiction begins with a desire to save a loved one. And when you start saving, you can get so carried away by the problems of your loved one that you completely forget about yourself. And the more and deeper you get into your husband’s problems, the further you move away from yourself. Hence your feeling of loss. You saved your husband, you dealt with all his problems, but you don’t understand what to do next with yourself. Because you have completely dissolved in it.
And perhaps your husband reacts this way because you do not give him freedom. After all, emotional dependence is often accompanied by total control, jealousy, the desire to be aware of everything, and to be nearby all the time. You are gradually trying to fill the entire space with just yourself and you become too much for your husband. This is just a guess.
I would advise you to see a psychologist. Because it is not always easy or simple to excavate your childhood relationships with your parents on your own. And together you will find where your legs grow much faster and more effectively and correct your behavior towards your husband.
I’ll say right away that you won’t be able to get rid of addiction very quickly or right away. Everything takes time. The first thing you need to do is “get to know” yourself. Write down what makes you happy. Only you - without your husband. And try to do something from this list at least once a day.
Think about what you can do to get yourself interested. These could be hobbies, courses, books. Anything – whatever you do with pleasure. In the process of doing something you will feel good. This way you will “get closer” to yourself and fill the emptiness that has formed in yourself during this time. And you will be distracted from thoughts about what else you can do for your husband. You will start doing at least something for yourself.
Of course, you need to take care of your own self-esteem. Praise yourself for your small achievements. Take responsibility for your life. It is not your husband and his mood that should control you. This is your life and you have the right to decide what and how to do. What and how to react to. You already adult woman, and not that defenseless girl.
The way a husband behaves is his expression of emotions. You need to learn to show your emotions more often. Talk about what you like and what hurts. To do this you need to talk to each other. And in general, the way a husband shows emotions is just his manifestation of emotions. This doesn't mean that you are bad or that he doesn't love you. It's just how he expresses emotions. If you accept this as a fact, without directing it at yourself, you will be able to bear and experience it all much calmer.
When, feeling your husband’s mood, you begin to “worry” - count to five, take a deep breath and concentrate on your breathing, yourself, and your feelings. How do you personally feel in the “here and now” state? What did you feel five minutes ago? And ten minutes ago? This way you will reduce your reaction and your worries.
Imagine a place where you are comfortable, cozy and where you feel protected and happy. Your ideal paradise. Draw yourself a bright picture. Feel happy there. And every time your husband starts to get irritated, scream, freak out, remember this place. By switching your attention, you relieve the level of tension. And you will perceive his emotions and mood less painfully. And believe me, the husband will begin to behave differently. Because when you change, the situation and the world around you change.
Margarita, patience and endurance in working on yourself.
4.8888888888889 Rating 4.89 (9 Votes)
How become independent from a man? How to stick to your line, no matter what? Do you think you need to earn a lot of money and play hard to get with him? No matter how it is! If you want to become truly independent and influential, you need to make your man depend on you!
No, I’m not talking about financial aspects now - I suggest you make him depend on you at the level of emotions and desires. Slave dependence on you occurs not when you provide for both yourself and “that guy,” but when his mood directly depends on yours. You are happy - and his face glows with happiness, you frowned - and his soul is immediately restless.
Life is full of examples when in a family a woman takes upon herself the solution to all material problems, while her husband lies on the sofa, without any desire to lay her down next to her. A man whom you keep financially dependent, even if he is with you all the time, will quietly hate you and move away emotionally...
A man is not a thing that you treat as property. Become independent You need from him not in order to rudely crush him under you, but so that he himself constantly strives for you, so that he enjoys those minutes that you generously give him.
In order for a man to feel dependent on you, you need to turn into a strong drug for him. One that gives him energy, strength, drive, positivity - call it what you want. Into such a drug, without which he immediately begins severe withdrawal.
Be carefree - act like you're not claiming anything
Once you develop self-confidence, no matter what happens between the two of you, you will never dwell on it. If you made an appointment - good, no - you also have “important things to do.” A woman who is confident in her own irresistibility will never show her increased interest and concern about why “everything is not going the way you want.”
Men appreciate women who act as if they don't have any special ambitions. If your loved one is in no hurry to meet your expectations, it is better to show him unambiguously that it is good with him, but you will not be lost without him (read the article). Indeed, why fuss if, in the end, everyone gets what they are worth.
Provoke a man
Let him enjoy you as much as a drug, and then... take the drug away. Leave somewhere under a plausible pretext: for example, hide headlong into work and calmly observe the result of his “withdrawal.” A week or two or three and he, convulsing, will begin to achieve the “selected” by all means known to him. And you? And you will enjoy your independence and his slavish dependence on you...
Love is not always easy to distinguish from love addiction. These feelings, especially at the initial stage, are very similar. You want to be close to your partner, share all his interests, listen to the same music, move in the same direction... On the one hand, this is a natural state of deep love. But on the other hand, all these signs can be a symptom of addiction. Check yourself on these points:
- You can’t imagine your life without him, thoughts of a possible separation terrify you
- You don't make any decisions until he gives his opinion.
- You always do as he says, even if it doesn't seem right to you.
- Are you ready to quickly change your mind under his influence?
- There is constant jealousy in your relationship
- You communicate only with his friends, you do not maintain relationships with friends from your past life
- You don't have your own hobby
- You prefer to spend time just the two of you. You can't go on vacation or even go to a party without it.
Do some of these signs sound familiar to you? Perhaps you too have fallen into this psychological trap. Dependence on a man leads to the loss of your individuality and the emergence of over-attachment. There is a blurring of personal boundaries; it is as if he is seizing someone else’s psychological territory. Often, a girl in such a situation cannot understand the problem for a long time and does not understand why friends and relatives are sounding the alarm.
Sexual addiction to a man
This also happens. To a greater extent, this is a male problem, but girls can also be susceptible to sexual addiction a certain person. Often this is dependence on a married man whom you see infrequently, and therefore you suffer in his absence and live from date to date. Find the strength to part with him and try to distract yourself with travel, a new hobby, work or sports. In most cases, the cause of sexual addiction is low self-esteem: through sex, a girl tries to assert herself and believe in her own importance.
How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man
The first thing to do is to recognize the problem. Most women do not want to admit that they are in a dependent position. According to psychologists, many realize their masochistic tendencies in this role. While a man, on the contrary, acts as a sadist, seizing the personal territory of another person, depriving him of the opportunity for self-realization and self-determination. Some couples are comfortable living in such an environment, but the further they go, the more serious the problem becomes. Living under emotional pressure sooner or later leads to nervous breakdown. The threat is also that a man can move from psychological violence to physical violence.
How to get rid of addiction? Try to gradually establish personal boundaries. Remember what you dreamed about before. Call a friend with whom you suddenly stopped communicating a couple of years ago. Discuss the situation with a psychologist.
Often emotional dependence is associated with material dependence. If you don’t work, perhaps you should find something you like to do in order to stop being 100% dependent on a man financially. This will help you become independent harmonious personality and separate yourself from your partner.
