With parents. Croatia is considered the leader in the number of young dependent people - 78% of men aged 18-34 do not start a family. Even in America, 44% of young people prefer not to change their usual life for an independent life. In Kazakhstan, the situation is ambiguous: sometimes the parents themselves are not ready to let the child go. The Village Kazakhstan spoke with people who spent their entire lives with their parents about comfort, independence and independence.

The names of the characters have been changed at their request

Zhandos, 28 years old, programmer

Lives with parents and younger brother

My parents are from Almaty. There are two children in the family: me and my brother. I studied in Almaty, so there was no point in moving. I always thought that it was easier to save money for a mortgage payment than to pay the same amount to someone else’s uncle, especially when you have a place to live.

For some reason, society generally believes that living with your parents makes you childish. I fundamentally disagree with this - in our family I pay utilities, partially buy groceries, and help my youngest with school fees. It’s not difficult for me to wash things, put away the dishes or iron my shirts, although my mother runs the house. Also, my responsibilities include fixing the taps or nailing the shelf if my father is not around. The only inconvenience is that you can’t bring a girl, but they offer apartments for a day or hotel rooms.

I don’t feel any interference from my parents in my life. I think in Kazakhstan more girls they want to escape from endless control and responsibilities around the house, but for guys, on the contrary, everything is ready, cleaned, covered, just to come home. This makes men dependent to such an extent that it is easier for them to steal a girl than to woo her. He stole it - here, mom, I brought you an assistant, load her full of homework.

My father instilled in my brother and me a royal attitude towards women. Already as a child, they explained to me that dust from shelves does not disappear on its own, and food does not appear in the refrigerator in an instant. The three of us pamper mom in every possible way, dad likes to give flowers for no reason, and I free her from household duties. From the outside it may seem that we have an idyll - and so it is.

At school I was always a home boy: lessons-extra-training-at home. An active student life began at the university; from Friday to Sunday I practically did not appear at home. Mom was worried, calling with questions: “Where are you? When to go home?”, and this was terribly annoying. At that moment, I began to think about separate housing, but I understood that I could not live independently on my part-time jobs. It was easier to talk to my mother, which is what I did. Then we agreed with my parents that I would simply warn them when I was home - even in a week - but the main thing was to tell them that everything was fine. I remember my fellow classmates moved out of the dorm and into an apartment and invited me to move in with them. I admit, I didn’t want to leave my comfort zone then.

Many girls, when they find out that I live with my parents, run away. One good friend explained this by saying that now few girls want to live with their husband’s parents. But, in my opinion, they see in me a dependent man who wants to jump from my mother’s arms to my wife. Parents tactfully do not ask unnecessary questions, but phrases like “Eh, when will I have grandchildren?” slip. I always laugh it off, saying that no one bothers me. But sometimes I wonder if I would avoid relationships the same way if I lived alone?

This is what makes men dependent to the point where they feel better steal a girl rather than woo her

Many girls, when they find out that I live with my parents, run away

Christina, 29 years old, restaurant administrator

Lives with mom

My childhood was spent in a two-room apartment, the four of us lived - mom, dad, younger sister and I. My youngest and I lived in the same room, and it was divided into exactly two parts: mine was always clean and tidy, while the other side was a mess. I constantly dumped my sister’s scattered things on the bed, and she could sleep peacefully on them for a week.

I was mainly involved in raising my sister; my mother was constantly at work, and my father could not get along with the difficult character of his youngest daughter. Even then I was annoyed by this state of affairs, I dreamed of living separately. I imagined coming home from school or work, and there was silence in the apartment, no one was asking me to cook dinner, and there was unbreakable order in my room.

At 18, I started dating a man eight years older than me. Another year later, there was a quarrel with my parents, after which I simply packed my things and went to live with him. That's when the nightmare began: my parents kept calling to say that I was an ungrateful pig. At that time they were religious, and for them cohabitation with a guy before marriage was considered a sin. They could easily say that I was acting like a whore.

They could easily say that I was acting like a whore

Over time, my parents calmed down, but began to demand that we get married. “We have no money. If you want a wedding, pay for it yourself,” is how I answered them. When I turned 21, we finally got married. It was a golden time - my earnings at that time were about 400,000 tenge, I bought my first car, helped my family and my husband’s parents. My relationship with my mother-in-law was better than with my own mother.

The only downside is that I couldn't give birth. I had serious health problems, and the gynecologist said there was no hope. After her words, I lay in tears for several days. My husband then said that we would definitely find a way out and cope. After that we lived together for another year.

Time passed. At the restaurant where I worked, the management changed, our team was laid off. I had to go to work with a much lower salary, but that was enough for me. One fine day, my husband asked for a divorce. And a month after the meeting at the registry office, I saw photographs of him hugging another woman on social networks.

I returned to my mother, she already lived alone - my father also found another woman, my sister got married. It was hard to get used to each other's presence. We constantly fought over everyday little things, for example, she is usually annoyed by dirty dishes in the sink, but I can easily wash them the next day. She wanted me to clean, cook, and pay utilities. I cry without problems, but I’m trying to get rid of household responsibilities.

Everything in the house is done according to her rules, and it’s depressing. I am again living in the room where I spent my childhood. Mom can come in at any moment and grumble about my idleness. My work schedule is typical for a restaurant administrator - I work two days, rest two. On the first day off I usually sleep in and meet with friends in the evenings. I dedicate the second to cleaning, but this is not enough for my mother. She can wake up at eight in the morning on the first day off because she urgently needs to dismantle the mezzanine. At first we argued, then I just decided to continue sleeping, and now she wakes up not at eight, but at ten.

I don’t consider her a despot, she just lives by her own rules, I live by mine. We can calmly discuss any topic, drink beer, buy each other cigarettes. I can go away for a few days to rest, and then tell her with whom I had a short-term affair. makes me happy unlimited trust between us, but I still think that we need to move away from our parents on time.

We can calmly discuss any topic, drink beer, buy each other cigarettes

For now, I cannot afford separate housing for financial reasons. I'll be promoted soon, and as soon as I get the increase, I'll move out immediately. I could afford to rent a house with someone, but I want to live alone - in my entire life I have never been alone with myself, and now I need it. Mom constantly asked when I would move out, but during a serious conversation about moving, she panicked. Change is hard for her, but she... adult woman, not deprived of male attention. She needs personal space.

Erlan, 40 years old, writer

Lives with mom

My mother came here from Karaganda, entered the university and married a native Almaty man. When the time came to give birth, I left for my hometown to be closer to my mother. About six months later we arrived in Almaty. I only child in the family, and therefore I never thought about the fact that we have a small apartment. He spent his childhood in a communal one-room apartment, then dad was given a two-room apartment in the city center.

Friends, girls, fun - everything faded into the background

Dad died when I was 24. Mom had a hard time with this moment, I was there all the time. Friends, girls, entertainment - everything faded into the background. We missed our father, but we were never financially poor. My mother works as editor-in-chief at a publishing house, and I followed in her footsteps. I didn’t manage to become a journalist, but I write stories and books, including children’s books.

My life can be called the dream of any creative person: I work most often from home, I earn good money, every day I walk through my favorite parks and squares, among which our house is located, I don’t bother with everyday issues, and I don’t think about how to hide my mistress from my wife. Of course, this was not always the case - my mother supported me financially for a long time.

My responsibilities include purchasing groceries and sometimes I cook. I have a car, but I bought it only for my mother - I drive it to and from work, I go with her on business. I regulate all financial processes in the house myself. I pay utilities, pay for groceries, and regularly top up my mom’s balance. At first she resisted, but then gave in. Now she spends money on cosmetics, clothes, and saves for travel. I wanted to take on this too, but it’s important for mom to feel independent.

Ideally, you can get married and continue lead such a lifestyle, without fuss and global change

I know I'm stuck in this Groundhog Day, but it suits me and I don't want to change anything. Ideally, you can get married and continue to lead this lifestyle, without fuss and global changes. Mom constantly talks about how I shouldn't be alone. At one time she was looking for a bride for me, I stubbornly avoided her advice. And after all, she is not looking for gray mice fixated on her husband and the household; it is important for her that her daughter-in-law is educated, can support any conversation, and as for the household, “I can keep the house clean myself.”

I didn’t have any problems with women, but I didn’t experience love that makes you dizzy and makes you want to sign your name. Now I am in a relationship with a woman like me - she does not like change and does not dream of marriage. She has two marriages behind her and a student son with whom we get along well. Sometimes the four of us get together - me and my mother and she and her son. We are gradually getting used to each other. We've been dating for six months now, and only recently started talking about cohabitation. I would like to move her to my place, and let my son decide for himself: with us or on his own. This question came up in a conversation with my mother, and the next day she offered to renovate the apartment before we decided to move in together.

We have constant silence at home, everyone sits in their own room. I don’t remember that there was a time when my mother entered the room without knocking. About 10 years ago we had a minor quarrel: she didn’t like the fact that I often threw T-shirts and shirts into the wash, and she had to constantly iron them. Then I explained to her that I could easily handle the iron myself and ironing board. Since then, this is how we solve problems: if it doesn’t suit you, do it your way. Once a month she does a general cleaning, I help move heavy things, take down curtains - in general, I do what is difficult for her. I offered to hire a cleaning lady, but her answer shocked me: “Then what are we going to do on weekends? Degrade?" Everything here is so calm and orderly that sometimes it’s sickening.

I don't see my friends often; they are usually immersed in family problems. When they talk about the success of their children or another quarrel with their wife, I have a mixed feeling of envy and relief. On the one hand I feel like I missed out important part in life, but I’m unlikely to exchange what she gave me in return. Several times a year I go on vacation abroad, sometimes with friends, but most often alone. Mom travels with her friends, during this period we take a break from each other.

I don’t see anything wrong with people living with their parents for a long time, the main thing is not to sit on their necks. The tendency to live independently appeared relatively recently when we began to adopt Western traditions. If you learn to negotiate and give in, then several generations can easily live in one house, the main thing is that there is enough space for everyone.

Saniya, 35 years old, doctor

Lives with father and son

When people find out that I live with my father, they are surprised and deliberately make a sympathetic face, expecting to hear that my mother has passed on to the next world. But this, thank God, is not true: after the divorce, my mother got married again and moved to Russia, but I didn’t want to leave Kazakhstan. When she was married, she lived separately from her father, and even after the divorce she did not immediately return to native home. At some point, I realized that without male upbringing, my son would grow up soft, and my dad was still an ace in raising boys.

When I was a teenager, the lack of my mother was acutely felt. Dad raised me to be a fighter, and often his actions seemed cruel to me. He never hit me, but he was harsh in his words and hearing something from him was like getting a slap in the face. And these were not comments about bad grades or brightly painted lips - dad was describing the cruel reality, and that the people around me are not who they seem. “You have all the makings of becoming bright, strong personality, who needs your kindness? Come down to earth, otherwise everyone will keep looking under your skirt.” And I’m conveying this without swearing.

Come down to earth, otherwise everyone will keep looking up your skirt

All my life, everyday life was my responsibility, and my dad was in charge of paying bills and buying groceries. Now practically nothing has changed, but I have an agreement with my dad: I provide for my son myself. They can go shopping, he spoils his only grandson in every possible way, but still, the responsibility should mostly be on me.

We live in a two-room apartment, dad gave us a larger room. My son is ten years old, he helps with the cleaning in every possible way: dusting, vacuuming, keeping his toys in order and his shoes clean. I recently decided to give up meat, and now cooking takes longer. The routine is this: during the day everyone is at work, my son is at school, and in the evening the three of us get together, over dinner we talk about the past day, then we do our homework. Dad and son go to bed, and I either deal with work issues or go out with friends. While there are holidays and a lull in work, I can afford a week-long vacation with my son somewhere outside the city.

Happens to my dad and me often frank conversations, he can say: “You need a man, you’re all on edge.” She constantly emphasizes that I have never learned to stand on my own two feet. I tried to open my own business, but I failed. Dad supported, but advised sometimes to use a spectacular appearance to twirl men. He wants me to be flexible, resourceful, and not direct and honest, but what does he expect from me if he himself has been like this all his life?

I know that I can move out at any time, dad will only wish me luck and will always support me. When I lived separately, he came to us for dinner and said: “You cook deliciously, but you haven’t learned how to create comfort. The house is empty." In response, I reminded that I was raised by a man, and he did not send me to courses to become a good housewife. This may seem rude from the outside, but ours is not a typical family, where the main rule is to tell the truth and be able to accept it.

If I move out, then nothing will change - dad will still come and teach me wisdom. But he does it so talentedly, after talking with him I feel inspired and strong. When will one of us have serious relationship, then we’ll separate, but now I want my son to receive his grandfather’s love in full.

He came to us for dinner and said: “You cook deliciously, but you haven’t learned how to create comfort. The house is empty"

Karina, 27 years old, accountant

Lives with mom

I was born and raised in Almaty. My father died early, but my mother did everything to make my childhood happy. There are three girls in our family, I am the youngest. Apart from generally accepted norms of upbringing, my mother gave us complete freedom. While we were studying at schools and universities, the four of us lived in a one-room apartment. It was then cramped, despite the larger area and improved layout. Over time, the sisters got married and moved out, and now we live together.

There is no unspoken set of rules at home, I would say we have anarchy. I can sleep all day and my mother won't grumble about it. Many of my friends who live with their parents are eager to move away from them. Everyday little things are actually far from small, and when they tell you how to dress and what time to be home, you willy-nilly want to slam the door. Fortunately, in our family everything is different, and everyone has their own space, not disturbed by anyone.

Almost every week I go to the mountains for a few days. We have a dacha six hours away from Almaty, so if you suddenly need a break, there is somewhere to escape. But I had no desire to move out even in those moments when we were quarreling. Maybe this is due to the fact that I am the youngest in the family.

We have a dacha six hours away from Almaty, so if you suddenly need a break, there is somewhere to escape

Mom pays the rent, and I buy groceries. When I want to help financially, she gets angry and pointedly refuses. Even if he takes it, he will put it aside to give it back if I suddenly find myself without money. She has the habit of a Soviet person - constantly putting things off. For example, I can buy two completely identical dresses, but she will wear mine. “Why would I wear that? Let the new lie." I ask why - I can’t find an answer. I just can’t teach her to live for herself.

Life with your mother means complete confidence that you will always be supported. Sometimes such care is stifling, but I understand that this is how she wants to feel important. I know that the time will come to move out - when I get married, I won’t be able to live in a one-room apartment. And my mother will not want to leave the house in which she spent most of her life, especially since our apartment is located in the city center near the park. Now I enjoy the fact that my mother is nearby, and I am already preparing to miss these days.

The Belarusian reality is that not all grown children can afford to move from their parents to their own apartment. And few people agree to rent a one-room apartment in Minsk for $500. The rest choose comfortable life on my own sofa, along with my mother’s borscht. Is the problem the socio-economic disorder of our society or the generation of infantile young people who stubbornly refuse to grow up? Onliner.by spoke about why children should move away from their parents and what will happen if this does not happen. family psychologist, psychotherapist, gestalt therapist Vladlen Pisarev.

- From the point of view of a healthy family model, should adult children live with their parents?

There are several concepts on this matter. I am close to the position that a person needs to separate from his parents and become independent. I believe this is good. I think this is correct. But some people don’t believe in this, this is their position, and I don’t consider it necessary to convince them. However, there is such a thing as family life cycles. And if the child remains to live with his parents, then these life cycles are disrupted. The first such cycle is the so-called single phase. We are talking about the period when a young person, no matter whether a man or a woman, leaves the parental family and begins to live independently. Begins to build his own life. He starts earning money, paying for housing, buying clothes. A person learns how much life costs. If a person lives with his parents, then such things are simply unknown to him. It often happens like this: a young man lives with his mother and father and gives part of the money, say, for food. What do you need to buy for your home? washing powder, a light bulb or paint, he doesn’t know at all. And then in his concept one needs much less material resources to live than in reality. Perceptions are formed distorted, and then a person will not be able to live normally, conflicts will begin. When he begins to live with his wife without parents, it turns out that the family does not have enough money. And it’s a big surprise for him: how is it possible lived before everything was fine with my mom, but now I have such a wasteful wife that I can’t live on my $300?!

The second life cycle is the couple phase. Two people start living together. If the first phase, the solitary phase, did not exist, then in the second phase all the difficulties that we talked about begin. People don’t know how to live on their own, they don’t know how much life costs, they don’t know how to get on the waiting list or build housing.

The next cycle, when the family begins to expand, is associated with the birth of a child. It requires a restructuring of relationships. And if there was no first phase, there was a second, but they lived together with their parents, it turns out that the relationship is complex, unstructured. For example, who decides what is right for a child? Grandmother and grandfather? Dad or mom? Whose word is most important? Who owes whom? Should grandmothers look after children or not? This creates many difficult questions. The larger the family, the more difficult it is to clarify relationships. From this position, children, of course, should not live with their parents. And, moreover, it is better to separate from them and build your own life.

- But a couple of centuries ago, for example, Belarusian girls stayed in their parents’ hut until they got married...

If we talk about traditions, then historically it turned out that we, the Slavs, had a tribal system for a very long time. Therefore, our roots are a very large families with unclear relationships. Is it good or bad? Many Belarusian families are satisfied with this model, when a strong grandfather is at the head, a kind of prince who keeps everyone in check and makes sure that everything is good and correct. And then everyone behaves as expected - “so that you won’t be ashamed before God and people.” As grandfather said, so it will be. But there is another truth in which a family is only a husband, wife and children. They build their own lives, not connected with their parents on any side. A husband and wife create something of their own, individual.

In general, this difference in strategies - to live as a large family family or as an individual - is largely explained by the level of development of society. The better the socio-economic conditions in the country, the more opportunities there are for individual families, and vice versa.

- At what age is it better to leave your parents?

There is no one-size-fits-all answer here. I have seen people who, even at 40 years old, did not separate from their parents. It would be right to move when the need arises. If we rely on real social things, then why not connect the beginning of an independent life with coming of age? Only at the age of 18 is it difficult to put this into practice, because at that age only unique people have a highly paid job that would allow them to earn good money. Although I know people like that. A reasonable approach is needed here: at what age can a person in our world really provide for himself? We need to build on this.

- Why do adult children continue to live with their parents, although they have long turned 18?

Yes, it’s just convenient to live with your parents. They cook and buy a lot for their children, so they can spend more money on themselves. Therefore for large number young people, men and women, it's just convenient. And the idea of ​​leaving their parents appears when their father and mother begin to interfere with the fulfillment of their needs for freedom, for choosing a partner, for pets, for emigrating to Germany, for earning money. big money... The needs can be anything.

In turn, men who continue to live with their parents at the age of 40 also do this to satisfy some of their needs. If his mother cooks for him, washes, irons, buys him underpants, then why leave? Then you would have to either cook yourself (which is very tiring), or find someone who cooks just as well, and with a good character. And the character of the women around is bad, better than mom there is no one anyway - this is how men living in this situation reason. If the mother performs all the functions (she is both a housewife and a person with whom you can talk), then a wife is not needed. What is it for in this case? In this system, one more woman is simply superfluous: all roles are filled. There you need a mistress for sex - that's all. In order for a woman to appear, it is important to break off relations with your mother.

- Can a man who lives with his mother at 40 be successful?

Why not? It depends on what you mean by success. He can be quite a successful scientist. Mom provides the rear. He doesn’t need to buy food, cook, or iron clothes at all; he only does science. In such conditions he can study for 20 hours a day! And it is clear that by investing so much, he can get a good result. Be an interesting researcher, generate ideas. He can also be actively involved in business, because, again, he invests all his resources in development.

- You get some kind of model of a happy person...

- I have a feeling that something is wrong.

This is because you are a woman and you have no place in this system of a 40 year old son and his mother. And in their concept everything is like that. From the point of view of such a mother, you are definitely superfluous there - a competitor. From a man's point of view, everything is fine too. For some men, even procreation is not a leading need. Or you can somehow manage to get married quickly, have children and then get divorced. And happily return to my mother and continue the same thing.

- Can we say that the current young generation has become more infantile, less independent?

First we need to understand what we mean by the word “infantile”. This is the inability to earn a living when a person lives with his parents, and they underwear are they buying? And if a person buys his own underpants, then he can be called an adult, right? It is often said that if a woman does not know how to cook borscht, then she is childish. Does she really have to be able to do this? If a person does not want to earn a lot of money for a living and knows how to live on meager things, are we going to accuse him of immaturity? This is, rather, not an infantile, but a passive individual who is located at the very bottom of the power pyramid, which depends on genes. In contrast, there are dominant individuals. If a person has grown up as a dominant personality, then he is well aware of his needs and will achieve his own. From the point of view of a dominant male, to obey, to earn little, to be led is clearly infantile behavior.

For me, for example, the criterion of adulthood is the ability to live independently. It is connected with a whole range of issues: establishing and maintaining social contacts, earning a living, renting an apartment, buying the products and clothes that you want. If this happened, if I provide for myself, then that’s it, I’m an adult. And if a husband and wife live with their parents in a two-room apartment in Kamennaya Gorka, and do not really pay either rent or food, then they cannot be called adults - not at 20, not at 30, not at 40 years old.

Reprinting text and photographs of Onliner.by is prohibited without the permission of the editors. [email protected]

Living together with parents does not allow children to show their independence. Based on the housing aspect, the owners of the house are the parents, not the children. Consequently, all everyday problems are solved by mom or dad.

In most cases, the opinions of children living together are not taken into account. Parents do not consider it necessary to consult with their children on issues related to the maintenance of the house, food, etc. As a result, children get used to the fact that their parents decide everything for them and do not make attempts to resolve issues that arise.

Living with their parents, children do not attempt to acquire their own housing. They are satisfied with everything, they are comfortable. Having given birth to their own children, they will not be able to instill in them independence in their actions, they will not be able to set a positive example for them. They will also live off their parents.

The son, living with his parents and already having his own family, does not strive to become a full-fledged owner of the house. In everyday terms, such a husband is completely unadapted to economic issues. If he loses his father, he will go through a difficult process of adaptation to independent life as an adult. If he fails to adapt, he may lose his family, since he will not fully provide for it.

Conflicts

When two or more generations live together, relationship problems invariably arise. The older generation thinks that they know life better and, by this right, try to manage the lives of their children. Children want to live their own lives, so they protest against excessive parental care. Against this background, conflict situations arise.

If available in big family several women, problems may arise with dividing the territory of an apartment or house. Every woman wants to be a housewife, to decide for herself what to cook and when, what to do and when to do it. Only the manifestation of the wisdom of older women will help to correctly distribute responsibilities around the house. Living separately from her parents, a woman quickly adapts to family life. In addition, it gives her a feeling of confidence in her position as the mistress of the house.

When raising children in a multi-generational family, problems may arise in parenting methods. It is difficult to reduce the requirements of all family members to one system. Children who are subject to different demands from adults become opportunists in communication and do not have a specific line of behavior.

Tip 2: How to explain to my parents that I want to live separately

Living separately from your parents and organizing your own life on your own is a normal desire of any adult. However, parents do not always support their children’s desire to leave.

Why parents won't let their adult children go

Behind long years Parents get so used to living together with their children that the latter’s desire to move away from their parents is, to put it mildly, met with hostility. Mothers are especially attached, who become so accustomed to caring for and protecting their child that even an adult child continues to be considered small and helpless. Especially suspicious mothers, having heard their daughter or son’s desire to live separately, can immediately imagine terrible scenarios for the further development of events from banal hunger to falling into sexual slavery.

Another reason why some parents do not let their adult children go is the fear of loneliness. Most often, this fear haunts single mothers. They may feel that if their child moves, their life will fade, become boring and meaningless. If a son or daughter moves in with their significant other, some mothers even feel jealous.

How to prepare your parents for your move

If you decide to move away from your parents, you will have to prepare them for this in advance. Of course, some parents calmly let their children go adult life, but more often you may encounter rejection of such a decision. In this case, you need to understand what exactly worries the parents. If they don't think you're independent enough yet, explain that you can do just fine cooking and cleaning without help. Tell your parents about your earnings, convince them that this is enough for you. So that your parents don’t worry too much, give them your new address, leave the keys, and let them come whenever they want. Promise that you will come visit often. If mom and dad use the Internet, install Skype on their computer. This way they will be able to hear and see you at least every day.

Try to find advantages in your move not only for yourself, but also for your parents. For example, mom can now cook less, an extra room will be freed up and there will be more space, your friends will no longer stay up late and make noise, etc. Only the first time is difficult, soon the parents will understand that they have fulfilled their parental duty, released their child into adulthood and from now on have every right to live for themselves.

If you have a desire to move away from your parents, then you are already quite independent. However, it is important to remember that life in your apartment will be significantly different from life in your parent’s house. So, if you previously did not pay utility bills, now you will have additional expenses, and you will also have to monitor the timely payment of these bills.

Who and with whom should not live under the same roof

People say about relatives: the further you live, the more you love. However, people often think that they are the ones who will be able to get along perfectly with this or that close person. And they come together - not because life forces them, but because it is more convenient: someone escapes loneliness in this way, someone receives economic benefits, someone gets help with the housework.

However, very often such voluntary cohabitations end in the complete collapse of the relationship. People don’t understand what’s going on and blame themselves or their partner for the “unaccommodation.” Meanwhile, some types of cohabitation are doomed from the very beginning - despite all the mutual love.

For whom and with whom is it better not to be under the same roof under any circumstances, and for whom it is quite possible to move in together?

Two plus one, counting baby

62-year-old Alla Ivanovna was very worried when her son Anton left his wife Katya with their three-year-old son. She tried to reason with her son, saying that the child needs a father, but it was all useless.

Then I invited Katya and her grandson to live with me. My apartment is large, and Katya has a tiny one-room apartment in the outskirts. But, most importantly, she needs to work, and I’m retired, I’ll help with my grandson, and it’s more fun for me.

Katya gratefully accepted the offer of her now ex-mother-in-law. Moreover, her relationship with Alla Ivanovna has always been excellent. But as soon as they moved in together, the mother-in-law suddenly turned into a Cerberus. According to Katya, as soon as she got a job (before that she was sitting at home with the child), her grandmother began to poison her:

She turned out to be worse than her son as a jealous person! - says Katya. - As soon as I ran into the store after work and arrived half an hour later, she met me pouting, went into her room and slammed the door. She didn’t say it directly, but she hinted - they say, while some “hang around in an unknown place, she, old man, exhausted." Early in the morning on the weekend, she started rattling dishes, dissatisfied that I slept for a long time.

Katya says that whenever possible she tried to entertain her ex-mother-in-law - she took her to the theater, inviting a nanny for Yegorka during these hours. On weekends, the three of them walked in the park. And in November, Katya even bought trips to Turkey for three.

“On vacation, I heard,” Katya opens up, “that she was telling her neighbors on the beach how hard it was for her to be with me, but she couldn’t leave her grandson. And she added that all her life the family was supported only by her.

In the evening, Katya called her ex-mother-in-law for a conversation, saying that if it was so hard for her, then they could go to Katya’s apartment. It's okay - Yegorka will go to kindergarten.

Then Alla Ivanovna began to grab her heart, recalls Katya, and said that Egorka and I were her whole life. That “one person has already thrust a knife into her heart” is about Anton, and now the last close people are going to leave her alone. She complained that Anton almost ran away from home since childhood, that she wished only the best for everyone... In general, I felt ashamed, and I took my words back.

Some time later, little Egorka met his mother from work with the words: “Well, have you had a good time?!” Katya said that you can’t talk to your mother like that, but he replied that your grandmother always says that, and she is the oldest and kindest. And soon Egorka said that “he and his grandmother were visiting dad and his new wife Aunt Rita, she is very beautiful and cooks deliciously, not like you.”

Three days later, Katya and Yegorka left for their home - the girl was afraid that her mother-in-law would turn the child against her. They cope quite well. But Alla Ivanovna is very angry:

How ungrateful people can be! I did everything for her...

Psychologists consider it “unecological” to stay under the same roof as a group of “two plus one”, where there is a single adult - especially if she is female.

Age and loneliness aggravate egocentrism, explains Alina Kolesova, candidate of psychological sciences. - But if an elderly, lonely, self-centered man is able to abstract himself from the world, focusing on his beloved self (reading, walking, having fun, being treated, etc.), then a woman of this type needs living people. Thanks to them, she feels needed, important, wise, etc. Katya’s ex-mother-in-law really wanted the best, offering her ex-daughter-in-law to stay in her house. But in the process of living together, she was guided not by the arguments of reason, but by her emotions. In addition, the mother-in-law, with all the love for her daughter-in-law, in the depths of her soul will still gravitate towards her son - this is the law of nature. She is not an evil or stupid woman, just self-centered and manipulative. I think that after some time the relationship will improve. The main thing is not to repeat the mistake and not end up under the same roof again.

According to psychological research, “cohabitation in two plus one mode” will develop according to a similar principle, where a single mother-in-law lives under the same roof with her daughter’s family, a single mother-in-law with her son’s family, and an unmarried sister with a married family, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s the younger or older sister. . The reason is that a single woman of any age, who finds herself side by side with a “normal” family, is afraid more than anything else of feeling out of place.

Who can you live with in a “two plus one” group? Cohabitation “two plus one” can be favorable if the “third wheel” in them is a single man, provided that he is healthy and has a normal character - for example, if the family lives under the same roof with a lonely father-in-law, father-in-law or brother of the husband or wife .

Men have less need to confirm their importance through household members, influencing their relationships, moods and the environment in the house, says the psychologist. - More often than not, a single man, young or old, living side by side with a full-fledged family, is able to calmly go about his business, not paying attention to his “roommates” at all or helping them strictly “on request.” Exceptions include elderly, unhealthy, or very jealous and selfish single male household members.

A child who has grown up but has not started a family - a son or daughter - can normally coexist under the same roof with his parents if they provide him with personal space - both moral and physical.

Cohabitation in the "one plus one" mode

When family life 32-year-old Marina began to collapse, her 53-year-old mother helped her get a divorce.

This was a surprise for me! - Marina shares. - My mother raised me alone and kept repeating that I should get married and take care of my family, because for a woman this is the most important thing. Anything can be endured, just to avoid becoming abandoned with a child, as happened to her. At first I was even afraid to admit to her that I wanted a divorce! But when she realized that I was serious about getting a divorce, she didn’t try to convince me otherwise, especially since Vlad and I never had children.

According to Marina, her mother took on the legal hassle associated with the divorce, and then invited her daughter to move in with her and rent out the second apartment.

It was rational decision, - Marina admits. - Why live separately if we are both left alone, and extra money won’t hurt anyone. Mom works, so do I, and in the evenings the two of us are not so sad. The first month we lived in perfect harmony. We missed each other in the five years we didn't live together. Mom cooked delicious food and fed me. Over the long evenings, I shared my painful experiences with her, she sympathized with me and recalled similar episodes from her life. I calmed down, my mother also said that with me her soul seemed to thaw. But everything changed when I met Evgeniy.

When Marina told her mother for the first time that she was invited on a date, she was only happy. True, she immediately added that “this Zhenya may turn out to be the same scoundrel as Vlad.” And so that Marina would not be upset if suddenly the new boyfriend “disappears, having received from her everything he needs.”

But when Zhenya did not disappear even after two months, my mother suddenly turned from a kindly warning into some kind of envious girlfriend! She had never said anything like this before. She suddenly began to hint that I was no longer young - for example, “at your age they don’t dress so frivolously anymore.” And once she even said that at “my age, normal people no longer think about partying with gentlemen”!

Marina says that her mother is a young-looking, fit woman, and it was very strange to hear this from her. At the same time, she began to talk about herself and her daughter as friends. For example, she told her friend that “she and Marina will go on vacation with their girls, without the old man,” meaning the company of her daughter.

When Marina brought Zhenya to meet him, his mother greeted him very warmly, set the table, but, in her daughter’s opinion, was too flirtatious:

She behaved not like a mother of the bride, but like interesting woman, who has not yet left the love distance. She pestered Zhenya with questions about whether blonde hair suited her, and all the time she told stories from her stormy youth, laughing boisterously. It was the first time I saw my mother like this! Zhenya later told me that my mother in her youth, apparently, was quite a coquette. But I don't remember her like that.

And after a while, the mother began to tell her daughter all the time that Zhenya was not a match for her, that you cannot connect your life with a person who your mother does not like...

The attitude towards Zhenya also changed dramatically: when he came to visit, she greeted him coldly, pointedly went into another room, and refused to even come out to the table.

And now Marina doesn’t understand: why did this happen?

Marina’s mother is one of those women who, with age, begin to panicky fear of approaching old age,” explains Alina Kolesova. - This happens more often to divorced or widowed women. They are scared to realize that they active life in the past, and the worst thing is to become unnecessary for your children. But gradually, almost everyone comes to accept their age in one way or another. But the irritant in the form of a daughter living nearby and becoming practically a friend of the same age, and then demonstrating that they were by no means the same age, greatly upset the psychological balance of Marina’s mother...

According to psychologists, “cohabitation in one plus one mode” will develop according to a similar principle, which includes a single woman who is significantly older than her “cohabitant” - for example, mother and son, sisters of different ages etc.

The only difference is that if under the wing of an older woman there is a male “cohabitant” (son, younger brother), she will interfere with the organization of his personal life, attacking his chosen ones, says the psychologist. - And if the daughter or younger sister, then the older one will begin to peck the younger one so that she does not feel worthy of an alliance with a “normal” man. It is important that, with rare exceptions, this is done unconsciously; mothers and older sisters are absolutely sure that they wish only the best for the younger ones. So it is, only at the same time they believe that the greatest “good” for a child or youngest, no matter how old they are, is to always stay by their side.

Who can you live with as part of a “one plus one” group? In addition to tender couples, loving spouses and mothers with small children, according to psychologists, cohabitation “one plus one”, where the eldest and single one is a man, can be favorable. For example, a father with a daughter, a father with a son, an older brother with a sister or a much younger brother.

Also, “one plus one” unions, where two people are in approximately equal age, social and material conditions, have a high chance of survival. For example, brothers and sisters without a significant age difference or two friends (girlfriends) renting one apartment for two.

Men, especially adults and smart ones, are not afraid of the prospect of falling out of family conflicts; they do not feel unnecessary because of this, explains the psychologist. - A single father living alone with his adult son, for example, can also begin to flirt with his son’s girlfriends, but this will not be destructive, as is the case with the mother and her daughter’s boyfriends. The same applies to older single brothers in relation to their girlfriends younger brothers. A single father living alone with his unmarried daughter may demonstrate feigned severity towards her boyfriends. But even behind this, if his health and psyche are normal, there is no desire to keep his daughter with him forever. The reason is that self-esteem mature man does not depend on his place in the family scheme. And when people of approximately equal status and age (friends/girlfriends, colleagues, brothers/sisters) voluntarily cohabit in the “one plus one” mode, each of them is most often busy own life and interests, and both simply have no time and no need to interfere in the affairs of their “cohabitant”.

Experts are confident that the following simple rules hostels will help all free and involuntary roommates:

1. Get together two by two! If there is good will on both sides, any two-by-two cohabitation can be peaceful - for example, parents and daughter with a husband or a son with his wife. If desired, you can always level out disagreements between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, if both have husbands nearby, and father-in-law and son-in-law, if both have wives. If in parental family adult children remain, they need to be given personal space in every sense - the opportunity to be alone and the right to manage their lives.

2. Avoid triangles! The main guarantee of a successful “hostel” is the absence of family triangles in which one person necessarily feels out of place. And if this is a woman, then you definitely don’t expect anything good! If a single grandmother lives with the family, entrust her with raising her grandchildren and emphasize that you fully trust her experience and wisdom so that she feels needed. If you don't have children, get her a dog, cat or companion so that she doesn't feel lonely.

3. Give food for thought! This method is suitable for intelligent, single grandmothers who have an active career behind them. public life, as well as to all single grandfathers living with a young family. Often, after a certain age, it is simply vital for people to solve other people’s problems, especially if they don’t have their own - let’s remember the gossiping grandmothers or grandfathers at the entrance, arguing with the TV and writing complaints to the long-defunct party committee. Sometimes young people should deliberately come up with a difficulty for themselves and ask for advice from a caring elderly member of the household, let them discuss it for their own joy, feeling like they are the brains of the family.

4. Learn to control yourself! Your own is also important psychological condition, because we always receive from others a response to the message that we ourselves give to them. If one of your household members is annoying you, it means that you are somehow allowing him to do this. The first thing you need to do is mentally forgive all the grievances: a member of your household for ruining your life, and yourself for being angry with this member of your household. Having reset your relationship in this way, create a distance between yourself and the offender. If physical distance is not possible, create psychological distance. Imagine that you are wearing a glass spacesuit and you are flying into space in it. Remember that an astronaut in a spacesuit is physically unable to react violently to every mosquito that hits the glass of his helmet.

Family and relationships: advice from psychologist Olga Yurkovskaya

Grown children should leave their parents' home. Otherwise, they will never become real adults, remaining hostage to “intrafamily moral incest” when they get confused social roles husbands and wives, fathers and children.

However, many families, due to lack of money or independence, live in the same house, and sometimes even in the same room with their parents. This creates painful relationships that often represent two extremes.

An example of the first extreme is my friend’s mother-in-law, who even at fifty years old asked her mother how to make sandwiches. The daughter-in-law with square eyes listened to their conversation. The woman is practically retirement age runs to mom asking how to make sandwiches! No, not a joke, I asked in all seriousness. And what’s more, having the opportunity to live separately with her husband and child, a friend chose to exchange two separate apartments, her two-room apartment and her still old mother’s one-room apartment, for a shared three-ruble rent in order to live with her mother.

And here's her Native sister, on the contrary, showed the complete opposite, and this is the second extreme in relationships. At seventeen, she fled to another republic just to get away from her mother and her authoritarian claims. And when the mother asked to stay with her freedom-loving daughter during the major renovation, she responded with a categorical refusal. Absolutely no! Complete denial of any connection.

Unfortunately, there are less than half of families in which generations live separately from each other in the post-Soviet space. Mostly young spouses continue to live with their parents. This was once the norm. But once upon a time, daughter-in-law was the norm! Do we now consider sex between father-in-law and daughter-in-law normal? No, but we continue to consider the life of several generations of a family in one apartment to be the norm.

IN Soviet times“in cramped conditions, but no offense”, when there was no sex, and everyone was united by peace, work and May, they could huddle in “Khrushchev”. But this housing was built as temporary, to replace barracks. It was not planned that generations would live in dank five-story buildings with a shared bathroom, having children and crowding each other.

Exactly living together in a cramped room leads to the fact that relatives change roles in the family, do not feel their boundaries, confusion occurs - who is raising whom and who is financially responsible for whom. And in fact, such cohabitation, as in tsarist times, can be considered incest. Let it not be physical, as daughter-in-law was, but definitely moral.

Because when a young spouse moves in with his wife’s parents, they adopt him. It turns out that the brother sleeps with his sister, who have the same parents. And both spouses play two roles - actually, husband and wife and children for their adult parents. What if children are added to this? It's turning out to be a madhouse! The child does not understand whose authority is stronger, grandmothers or mothers, one said it is impossible, the other allows it, the child rushes between one and the other generation, knowing that he will get everything he wants, the main thing is to know who to turn to.

Meanwhile, grandparents turn into a second pair of parents - replacing the departed mom and dad. And parents, in front of the child, receive a scolding from their elders, losing all respect in the eyes of the younger generation. What will all this lead to in the end? To three generations of infantile people, dependent on each other, who do not know how to build personal boundaries and take responsibility for their lives.

Therefore, if you are an adult, and especially if you want to have your own children or are already raising them, separate from your parents. And live separately, and leave your parents alone. Let them live their lives as best they can. There is no need to retrain or re-educate them. There is no need to put pressure on them or drag them towards you. Take care of yourself.

But the main thing is to take care of yourself at a distance from the older generation, in your home. Otherwise, you will never truly grow up and be able to raise independent children. It is impossible for an adult son or daughter to live peacefully under the same roof with their parents and be an adult, live with their own mind and act contrary to the opinion of the older generation - it is simply impossible! You will either face constant scandals, or you will have to obey mom and dad in everything and give up your adult rights. What for? Renting an apartment costs much less than your freedom.