Dmitry and Svetlana Akimov run the parent center " Magical child" They have three children, the youngest of whom, Lenechka, had congenital cancer. The parents fought for their son’s life for almost 4 years, but the disease turned out to be stronger and in 2009 Leni passed away. After his death, Dmitry joined the Board of Trustees of the Morozov Hospital, where Lenya was treated, and became a co-founder and director of the Korablik charity foundation.
Dmitry Akimov: “When your child dies, you realize that earthly life is finite”
— What is it like to be the parents of a palliative child?
— The hardest thing is to give up hope. Doctors often say: “It’s important to stop in time.” What does it mean to “stop in time”? After all, the situation is not hopeless from the very beginning; it is important to try to objectively assess the chances and do everything possible.
Let’s say the doctor says: “Your case is not operable.” But it would be more correct to say: “I don’t know how to carry out this operation.” And then I have hope of finding another doctor.
At what point should you stop treatment? I think - when the search for new means worsens the quality of life, probably... When the tubes make breathing difficult, when the procedures become more and more painful, but it still doesn’t get easier... I don’t know when to stop... We tried to find a way out until the last moment. Hope lived until the very end...
There is always a chance that even if there is no suitable medicine now, it will be invented. After all, science is developing. Until relatively recently, people died from pneumonia, before the invention and introduction of today’s traditional drugs, an oncological diagnosis was a death sentence, but now the probability of success in treating leukemia is no less than 80%. We all look to the future with hope. You just need to survive, hold out.
You can’t retreat and look for easy ways. Treatment is hard work. The temptation is great to find a miracle remedy, some kerosene with sunflower oil. But you don’t need to give in to this and waste precious time.
It is better not to think about how long the child has left to live. Try to perceive every day of life as a gift. We are given to each other, but we might not have met! After Leni’s death, one of my friends wanted to support me and said: “It would be better if he didn’t exist at all, then you wouldn’t have to go through this horror!” These words hurt. No! These were the happiest years of our lives! Years of struggle, love and support! We have never encountered such a flow of human warmth before, now we must learn to give it back somehow... I am not ready to give up any of those days. That time, those memories are very dear to us.
How can others support you? It is generally difficult to support with words at such a moment. Words don't mean much then... You just can't breathe. You don’t understand why breathe, why support life if your child, who should have had a baby ahead whole life, not anymore. It seems that your future no longer exists... What words can you choose here?
If you want to support, it’s good to just be there and give your warmth. Don't interfere with grieving. There is no need to entertain or try to get rid of the child’s clothes and toys so as not to be reminded of the loss. No need! Everything has its time…
For me, for example, they are islands of memory. Psychotherapist Sasha Kudryavitsky once said: “Grief must do its work.” We must not interfere with this. You can help go through all the so-called stages of grief. When the stage of accepting what happened comes, it will be a little easier. The grief will not go away, but it will become a little easier. It will never go away. My wife quoted someone’s words: “...It’s like you received a cannon wound in the chest, and it will never heal. You just live with it." And I feel the same.
But, on the other hand, you were given such a multifaceted, such a huge experience... The child with whom you walked part of this path showed you an example of such incredible courage... You only catch the shades, but cannot reach those heights...
In order for this experience not to be in vain, you need to translate it into something. Someone changes their life. Someone starts a family. Someone starts helping others. This precious experience, this memory must be translated into something. And if you just want to take your own life, then it was all in vain?
When your child dies, you somehow become especially acutely aware that earthly life is finite. That is, you always knew about it, of course. But I knew somehow speculatively. And here you feel it. And this feeling makes you hurry up. Do something necessary in the remaining period of time. What exactly? Everyone decides for themselves. It’s not for us to decide what is more important: to engage in a charitable foundation or to make excellent, high-quality tables, for example. Both work is important, the question is the quality of this work.
Peter and Olga Sveshnikov - adoptive parents Alexey and Daria. Even before meeting Alexey, they knew that he had a serious diagnosis - Duchenne muscular dystrophy. For this reason, his previous guardians abandoned him. Peter and Olga Leshin were not afraid of the diagnosis. Now they have organized the Moimio Foundation, which unites and supports parents and children with a similar diagnosis.
Olga and Peter Sveshnikov with their children Lyosha and Dasha. Photo by Mikhail Sveshnikov from snob.ru
Petr Sveshnikov: “We have no other globe”
“How does his diagnosis affect us? No way! We are cheerful, cheerful people! Yes, he knows that he is sick. He knows that after some time he may not be able to walk on his own, but will end up in a wheelchair. He sees guys like this. He communicates with them. Sees that life is in wheelchair continues.
Recently, a 7-year-old boy I knew in a wheelchair invited a 5-year-old girl on a date and gave her flowers. In general, these children (with Duchenne muscular dystrophy) are very open. They know how to be cheerful and mischievous. They just live. And then, who knows... Maybe they will soon invent a cure.
And about care... Recently, a friend’s child died. And his mother said: “Perhaps we just need to accept that we live in a different world. Not the one in which children bury their parents, but in which everything is the other way around - parents bury their children.” You just have to accept it. We don't have another globe.
Olga Sveshnikova: “We’re just trying to live today”
“Is it difficult to accept a child’s illness? It depends on the parents. It was easier for us: we knew what we were getting into, we knew Alyosha’s diagnosis already when we took him. We just live as we live. However, when I was caring for the newborn Musya, who had cancer, at the Russian State Clinical Hospital (Musya had no parents, and Olga lived with her in the hospice for her entire short life– approx. Ed.), I first accepted the situation as it was: “God gave, God took away.” But Musya pulled out. And when she relapsed, I... just went crazy. I completely lost myself then.
But now we don't think about it. We're just trying to live today. We just want to give Alyosha a bright life, even if it’s short.
Of course, we talk to him about the disease. The child has the right to know what will happen to him. This will make it easier for him. And they feel and understand much more than we think.”
Commentary from a psychotherapist at the Center psychological assistance“Candle” by Alexandra Imasheva.
See not the disease, but the person
— If the diagnosis is made, if the prognosis is disappointing, if the outcome of the disease is predetermined, how to live through this period with the child?
In general, such a regime is possible, normal for the psyche: treat, feed, love and know that very soon he will die? Or is it beyond, where the whole life changes greatly, the whole psyche, the whole attitude towards the world around us, people, each other?
Alexandra Imasheva.
Reader question:
More and more often people have a question... a question with bewilderment: WHY DO CHILDREN DIE? Why, for no apparent reason, unexpectedly for everyone in good families
Do children and teenagers commit suicide? Why do children drown and die in accidents? Moreover, this comes as a shock not only for adults, but also for children (although they perceive death a little differently than we do). What is this: the work of an NP or all karmic work-offs, or maybe the influence of third-party connections that affect children’s suicides? But still main question
to which you want to get an answer: WHY DO CHILDREN DIE? This is a delicate question, so when reading the answer, please do not get hung up on the details, do not put everything under the same brush, do not look for those to blame, and do not paint it as good/bad. The topic can be expanded into a whole book with examples, general rules , exceptions, etc. However, there is one single rule: it usually varies
, and I recommend sticking to it.
Let's start with the basics:
Why do people even die? A confluence of MANY circumstances, the main one of which is the lesson learned for incarnation, but there are others, incl. reluctance of the soul to continue to go through earthly lessons, planned experiences, lessons for loved ones, various errors and omissions (eg inattention to and fingers in the socket), body wear, etc. Single psychological traumas and/or constant stress lead to diseases and are usually the root causes of the soul’s decision to leave the earthly shell.
Contrary to popular belief, the souls of children are just as experienced and responsible for themselves as the souls of adults, and sometimes more so, especially now. If they leave the material world earlier than we expected, this does not mean that this was not decided by them in advance. Nothing happens for nothing, accidents are not random, they are patterns that we are not aware of.
Because they remember what a difficult path lies ahead of them, they remember life “there” and are not at all looking forward to another immersion in material reality, although they understand that they themselves signed up for this. Their connection with the subtle world still remains until a certain age and the memory of their tasks () still remains open.
In addition, children are strong empaths; they feel tensions in space and the psychophysical states of loved ones. First of all, they feel parental stress and stress in any form, as well as the very environment around them, which often leaves much to be desired, especially in large cities. The lack of mutual understanding and love in the family is extremely influential here, and because... Nowadays, many people give birth “pregnantly” and often, the child experiences extreme grief from the very beginning, thereby prompting the soul to look for a way out.
As our studies of childhood diseases have shown, illnesses often develop due to the inattention of the soul itself when choosing a body or tasks before incarnation. The chosen conditions turn out to be too complicated, especially if the clan has been severely fined and its branch needs to be stretched out and the karma of the ancestors worked off. Usually, a lack of experience in the physical worlds plays a role here, but there are also plenty of deceptive ways, although at some level the lesson was still discussed. I will publish the results of the study later, but for now
Case study:
A 54-year-old woman came to the session. She was the last of three triplet sisters, one of whom left this world during childbirth, and the second, by the age of 4, developed a brain disease (I don’t remember what exactly now), which prevented her from developing normally, which led to her early departure at the age of 45 ( 9 years before the session).
During pregnancy, due to the triple load, it was not clear whether their mother would survive, and she actually almost died during childbirth, miraculously surviving. However, then, within 10 months, their father passed away from cancer. You can imagine the situation. The ward wanted to know why this happened, what the punishment was for.
It turned out that all 5 mentioned (the souls of parents and children) usually incarnate together as a family. At the same time, their lesson for this life was this: children had to live life with only one parent.
Thus, according to the original plan, the mother really had to pass on to another world during childbirth, but family council up there, on their own internal reasons, it was decided that the father would leave, their roles changed.
The soul of the first child (who passed away as an infant at the entrance to incarnation) did not want to go through such a traumatic experience and retreated until it was too late, until it completely entered the physical world and the connection with the subtle was closed.
The second sister, who passed away 9 years ago, decided to teach herself an extra-hard lesson in the development of the disease, and thus leave a special mark on this incarnation, so as not to repeat such difficult scenarios. With all this, it was the three sisters who had to choose which parent should leave...
Abortion and medicine:
Q: If something happens to a woman during pregnancy and she loses her child, what happens to his soul? Does she remain like that, biding her time, or is she born to other parents?
The very concept of medicine in our world is extremely controversial. In fact, it does not heal (it does not solve the root cause of the problem and does not restore integrity), but only removes the symptoms, thereby prolonging the life of the body of the soul, which through illness must realize its lesson, or has decided to leave physics altogether for its own reasons. There are a lot of controversial ethical issues here, which we will look at later.
And in conclusion, let's look at the concept of "death" using the example of what we call murder, from:
Imagine the situation:
You are the soul of the energy world, without a body, omnipresent, omnipotent, immortal. You've experienced everything a long time ago possible options development in your own reality and want adventures to that very fifth point that you “didn’t have” in the first place (time does not exist in these worlds).
You are invited to descend into the world of matter, acquire a body, form, become limited in capabilities, and most importantly - “mortal”!
How is it, mortals? Is it possible to reach the end, to disappear into nothingness? - the soul will ask
“If you don’t try, you won’t know,” they will answer her.
The soul takes the proposed list of options and chooses, say, Earth for its journey. Options include experiences of mother, father, child, magician, artist, nun, priestess of love, killer, victim, creator and destroyer, and much more. But going into someone else's world without your own is boring and, perhaps, scary (although there is no fear there either, it is...). Therefore, you throw out a multidimensional vibrational cry "Hey! Who's with me?!"
We - the related stream responds - We will go with you!
-I want to experience the experience of a victim, I want to know what it’s like to be killed. Can you help me with this?
-Of course we will help! And then we’ll switch places, - a familiar light pulse vibrates
-Agreed! - you answer and rush into all the troubles with your newfound head.
This whole process is also preceded by separation from, awareness of oneself as an individualized particle of the Absolute, development of the necessary vibrational characteristics, structuring and much more.
And now, imagine, you are on Earth! Local kindergarten the soul opens its doors to you and allows you to follow the path you so desire. Your physical body is killed by an old friend from the spiritual family, although you do not remember him, in order to obtain the most “real” experience. Only later, having met your “former” killer somewhere on a lilac cloud of cosmic emanations, you discuss how you felt at the moment of losing your most important property, as it seemed to you all your life - your body. And then it turns out that you have dozens, if not millions, of bodies. So is it worth being sad one by one...
Attention question: can you blame the one who volunteered to help you go through this much-desired experience?
Love your children and don't be afraid of anything. This is all they need for a long, bright and joy-filled life.
PS:
The world is full of contradictions and, of course, for the parents of a deceased child, all these explanations will be an empty ringing, if not an insult.
However, let's look at the situation from this side:
When we send our children to kindergarten, they cry and rush home with all their might; for them this is a HUGE trauma, comparable to death, and no intelligible explanations usually work. But parents KNOW that this will be better for the child, he will learn to communicate in society, find new friends, etc. (we omit the horror stories about bad teachers, mandatory vaccinations, etc.). They do not know about our “good” goals, they consider parting to be evil, and us ourselves as traitors. But we are more experienced and “know better!”, right? So can we be angry at the world for teaching us lessons that we don’t fully understand at this stage, because we are just children too?
In nature, there is the concept of apoptosis - a regulated process of programmed cell death. Old cells die to make room for new ones. This process is fractally manifested at all levels of our reality, simply in a more complex interweaving of cause-and-effect interactions. Is it good or bad?
You can’t just take and divide everything into good/evil, as we are used to and love very much. All things are neutral, and labels are assigned to them by the human ego. What is beneficial for an individual, he calls good, what is unprofitable is evil, especially when it comes to property (and, unfortunately, many equate children with property). If a fox gets into the chicken coop and drags the chicken away, it's bad for the chicken, for its owner, but good for the hungry foxes who need to survive. This is the first information layer.
On the second layer, the owner will finally seal the hole in the fence and save the rest of the chickens from possible death, and the victim of the fox’s tyranny will go into a new incarnation as a being of a higher order. Patrikeevna will have to look for other ways to obtain food, thereby honing her hunting skills. And there are a LOT of such layers, the situation can be expanded ad infinitum.
“Evil” always acts in favor of good, and “good” always acts in favor of evil; they are inseparable, like day and night, inhalation and exhalation, compression and expansion. Everywhere you can find its pros and cons.
ATTENTION!
The opinions presented in this post are purely personal and presented through the prism of human perception. Other opinions may be radically opposite, because everyone lives in their own layer and operates with its information. Remember parable of the three blind men examining an elephant , and you will get a rough idea of the difficulties that can be encountered in trying to explain such a delicate issue. That is why there is no single opinion (“truth”) for everyone, and there cannot be, because even the truth of a capitalist is, by definition, false for a communist, just as the truth of a Muslim is for a Christian and vice versa.It is highly discouraged to create the only possible and final picture of the world from the presented data. Take yours and leave someone else’s, if possible without unnecessary emotions.Reality is multidimensional, opinions about it are multifaceted. Only one or a few faces are shown here. You should not take them as the ultimate truth, because, and at each level of consciousness and. We learn to separate what is ours from what is not ours, or to obtain information autonomously)
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Approximately 1 in 200 pregnancies ends in stillbirth. A baby born without signs of life at 24 weeks of gestation or later is called stillborn. The baby may die during pregnancy (intrauterine death) or during childbirth.
In this article we will talk about some of the causes of stillbirth, advise what to do during this difficult period and how to cope with the loss of a child. The article will also be useful if you need to support someone you know or family member who has experienced a similar tragedy.
What should you pay attention to first?
The first warning sign is a reduction or complete cessation of fetal movements in the uterus. Along with this, bleeding from the vagina may begin. If you notice these signs, contact your doctor immediately. You will have an ultrasound or fetal heartbeat test.
Sometimes the first sign of a problem is, which begins with the breaking of water and contractions.
What happens when a baby dies before birth?
When a baby dies in the womb, the woman is taken to hospital and labor to remove the dead fetus. It is better to do this as soon as possible, as delay can adversely affect the mother's health.
If you have a multiple pregnancy, your doctor may advise you to keep it to allow the other baby(s) to develop normally. Some parents are frightened by the thought of dead child will be close to the living. But it's possible. The dead fetus undergoes reverse development and its tissues will leave the uterus after birth healthy child(or children). However, if the fetus dies early in pregnancy, visible signs may not be detected.
The supervising doctor must explain to the woman all the consequences.
In case of artificial or spontaneous childbirth, the woman is placed in a special ward. Staff should explain all your options and what to expect. A woman should have time to make a decision and should not feel pressured by medical staff.
What happens when a baby dies in childbirth?
Sometimes a child dies unexpectedly during childbirth due to problems with the placenta and umbilical cord. Such problems can lead to acute hypoxia and death of the child. This is very traumatic for parents. The maternity hospital staff provides emergency assistance, without having time to explain the situation. This frightens parents and adds to their stress.
If the child died in childbirth, you need time to understand what happened and not make hasty conclusions.
Can I see my baby?
It all depends on the circumstances. Research shows that many parents need to touch or hold their baby. This makes them feel a little better.
Perhaps you want to see your baby but are worried about what he looks like. You can ask the midwife to first describe it in words or take a photograph. Some parents leave a photo of the child as a souvenir and wash and dress him themselves. However, if the baby was born much ahead of schedule or has been dead for some time in utero, it is impossible to wash the body of a dead child, since his skin is very easily injured.
Some parents want to leave something as a keepsake. The decisions made in such a situation are very individual. You and your other half may perceive the situation differently. You may need time to fully understand what happened. But in any case, the medical staff must meet you halfway.
Is it possible to find out the cause of death?
The cause of death can be determined by testing the mother's blood, examining the placenta, or performing an autopsy on the baby. But it should be remembered that in more than half of cases of stillbirth, no explanation for death can be found.
An autopsy will help:
- establish the causes of death,
- obtain information about the child's development,
- obtain information about health problems that need to be taken into account during subsequent pregnancies,
- determine the sex of the child.
An autopsy does not always reveal the cause of death, which has a depressing effect on parents. You may not consent to an autopsy due to personal, religious, or other beliefs. The hospital staff should provide you with all the information on this topic so that you can make a decision. No research will be carried out without your consent; your wishes must be taken into account. You may need time to think things through. But the sooner the autopsy is performed, the more information available. If you decide to have an autopsy, you must provide your consent in writing before the procedure. You will know in advance whether the baby can be seen after the autopsy and what it will look like. If your baby is not shown to you after the autopsy, you will probably want to say goodbye to him before the procedure. When you are told about the autopsy results, discuss them with your doctor.
What are the causes of stillbirth?
In more than half of the cases, the cause of death cannot be determined. But there are some factors that can lead to dire consequences:
- genetic or physical abnormalities where the fetus's brain, heart, or other organs do not develop correctly;
- bleeding before birth, for example due to premature abruption of a normally located placenta;
- prematurity - severely premature babies may not survive childbirth. Sometimes this happens due to placental insufficiency when little oxygen and nutrients reach the fetus.
- or late toxicosis pregnant women. About 1,000 children die each year from preeclampsia, most of them being stillborn.
- Rh conflict, when antibodies in the mother’s blood attack the fetus’s blood cells.
- . This is a rare pregnancy complication where there is an increase in bile acid in the bloodstream. The risk of stillbirth with this disease is 15% higher than without complications.
- maternal diabetes;
- infections such as salmonellosis or;
- diseases immune system– for example, antiphospholipid syndrome;
- many children die as a result of birth trauma. The risk increases with shoulder dystocia, when after the birth of the head the shoulders become stuck and cannot come out. The risk also increases with breech presentation. Problems with the umbilical cord can lead to acute fetal hypoxia, which often causes stillbirth.
A third of all fetal deaths occur during pregnancies that are full term. Multiple pregnancy is at greater risk (1.5-1.6%) than singletons (0.5-0.6%).
A child born at 24 weeks of gestation or later must be registered.
Some may feel that it is impossible to deal with paperwork during this difficult period of grief and despair. However, some parents find solace in the fact that they will have papers confirming the existence of the child as a keepsake.
You will then have to decide whether to bury or cremate your baby.
If your family income is low, contact the Office social protection at your place of residence for financial assistance.
Representatives different cultures and religions conduct funeral rites differently. Say goodbye to your baby as your heart tells you.
My pain from losing my child does not go away. Where should I go?
You are grieving the loss of your child and will be in mourning for some time. You can contact a psychologist, with his help you will overcome heartache. You can also chat with people who have experienced a similar tragedy. You will find them on our website.
Restoration of the body
In the first weeks after giving birth, you will have bloody issues, which are called, and pain in the lower abdomen, similar to menstrual pain. If you notice increased discharge or pain, do not delay visiting your gynecologist. Also, consult a doctor immediately if you experience discharge with a strong, unpleasant odor.
Milk has appeared in your breasts. This is uncomfortable and very upsetting, constantly reminding you of the loss of your child. There are drugs that suppress lactation. However, medical research shows that after you finish taking the medication, you may begin to experience discomfort again. Therefore, some women prefer to wait for the natural cessation of production. breast milk. If you decide not to take medications, ask your doctor to give you the necessary recommendations for ending lactation.
Six weeks after giving birth, you will be examined by a gynecologist. During your appointment, you can ask questions about the possible reasons for the loss of the child, as well as what needs to be taken into account in a possible subsequent pregnancy. You will also be able to discuss the autopsy results with your doctor if they are available at that time.
After some time, your body will return to its previous shape. Physical exercise will help restore strength and strengthen muscles. Accept emotional support and practical help from friends and family if you need it.
Learn about your maternity rights and do not rush to go to work until you have recovered.
What to pay attention to in your next pregnancy?
If a child died for unknown reasons, this does not increase the risk of a recurrence in the future.
If there was a birth defect, you may be referred for genetic testing.
Several factors may lead to stillbirth fetus For example, smoking during pregnancy increases the risk. You should take precautions to avoid contracting listeriosis, salmonellosis and during pregnancy. Follow and follow all doctor's recommendations. If there is pain or bleeding, seek help immediately.
After experiencing a tragedy, many women strive to get pregnant as soon as possible. For others, on the contrary, it is difficult to decide to have another child. In any case, the next pregnancy can be very worrying for a woman.
Some women want to return to the same maternity hospital, to the same staff. Others prefer to forget about the sad experience and give birth in another place. There are perinatal centers that provide special support to parents who have lost a child in the past
Syndrome sudden death baby - something that terrifies many young parents. The resulting panic awakens the desire to constantly be on duty near the child’s crib, which leads to lack of sleep, nervousness and constant fatigue.
Can a child die in his sleep, or how to protect a child’s sleep?
First of all, it is worth remembering that removable sides of the crib are convenient only for parents. And this convenience must be sacrificed, because we are talking about the life of a baby. Also, parents’ attention should be paid to the quality of fixation of the crib parts and the distance between the slats, which should be a maximum of 6 cm.
You should forget about cluttering the crib soft toys, pillows and decorative elements. Remember: even fabric protection for a playpen can become a dangerous element, because a child, having learned to walk, may try to climb out of it!
Mobiles and other toys should be installed so that the baby cannot grab onto them and throw them over himself, resulting in bruises and abrasions. And when the child sits down, they need to be removed altogether.
Can a child die in his sleep? Such cases do happen. To be more calm, mom and dad can watch the baby using a video and baby monitor and even monitor breathing using a special monitor that will let you know if something goes wrong. Despite all this, they must be handled very carefully, because the equipment malfunctions and can itself pose a danger to the child.
