Other people will not make you happy until you understand yourself. How to become self-sufficient and independent?

I must confess that for the first time in many years, I feel that I am emotionally incompetent, that I need help.

No, it's not that I'm crazy and desperate, I just need someone else to meet my emotional needs.

And this caused a number of problems that I had no idea about before: I began to have problems in personal relationships because I expected that a person would please me in every possible way, and when I did not expect this, I was disappointed in relationships. I often felt unhappy because I expected happiness to come from outside, and this is an unreliable and unsteady basis of happiness. On top of that, I was in a hopelessly helpless position: if I was waiting for other people to make me happy, and they did not, then what was left for me? And what could I do if they were also bringing unhappiness into my life?

It's only in the last few years that I've become more emotionally independent. And thanks to this, my relationships with people began to improve, in general, I became happier.

Check yourself

Are you emotionally independent? Ask yourself:

Do you expect your partner to bring you happiness?

If you already have a partner, do you turn to him for love, sex, to confirm your own importance, for support?

Do you get upset if your partner doesn't respond the way you expect, doesn't meet your needs?

When you are alone, do you try to take your mind off your loneliness? How often do you pick up the phone?

How often do you complain to other people about something? Or how often do you get annoyed by what other people do?

Is your relationship with your partner the most important thing in the world to you? What about relationships with friends or children?

Does it annoy you if your partner does something that has nothing to do with you or suddenly decides to do something on their own that you used to do together?

Are you jealous?

The list can go on, of course, but some of you may already recognize yourself in these questions if you answer them honestly.

And that doesn't necessarily mean you're a "terrible person." I also have a few of the above problems and am working on them. Most people in general have the same problems, it's just that not everyone recognizes it, because. they think that to admit this is to look in an unsightly light. And everyone wants to look decent. However, if you have problems, then it's not about how you look from the outside, but about who you really are.

In any case, regardless of what matters most to you - how you look or who you really are, the following ways of independent existence will be useful to you. They will completely transform you and bring you happiness and peace.
How do we become like this

Usually, people get used to emotional dependence from childhood. We rely on our parents to meet our emotional needs - for love, comfort, support, confirmation of our worth, and so on. We cannot learn the skills of independent emotional existence in childhood, as parents who love us do everything in order to satisfy all our needs.

And then we grow up and lack the skills to meet our emotional needs on our own. And we are looking for someone else for this. We are looking for the perfect partner, or even going through a series of breakups, because:

1) we do not have emotional independence, so we destroy relationships with our dissatisfaction
2) most likely, our partner has the same problems.

If we are in pain, we blame our partner for our pain. If people don't support us, we blame them too. If something bad happens to us, we imagine ourselves as victims, because if someone harmed us, we automatically become a victim and cannot control our lives, right?

But there is a solution: you just need to remember one such thing: happiness is within us.
How to become emotionally independent

Looking for the source of happiness in others is not a reliable way to find it. People come and go, they can be emotionally closed for some personal reason.

And here's the thing: they don't have to satisfy our emotional needs at all. They are barely able to meet their own needs.

So, instead of looking for happiness in someone else, you need to understand that there is just no happiness there. Because it is within us.

Happiness is not in the future, and not somewhere else. It is available right now, within us, at any moment in time.

How to find this happiness? Yes, it is a process of self-discovery, but here are some suggestions:

Be alone with yourself, without distracting external things, for a few minutes. Take a look at yourself. Analyze your thoughts as they come up. Take a look at your consciousness. Understand how amazing it is in itself. Already it can be studied and all this will be interesting.

One of the sources of happiness for me is creation, the search for new ideas, creativity. I don’t need anyone for this, and people are surprised at this ability of mine.

I also love to learn things. It makes me happy, helps my personal growth.

Curiosity is a never-ending source of happiness for me.

Learn to solve your own problems. If you are bored - solve this problem. If you feel lonely or hurt, comfort yourself. If you are jealous, do not rely on someone else to resolve your doubts - deal with them yourself.

Take responsibility. If you often blame others, understand that it's not about them. More precisely, you can think that the problem is in some person, but, in this case, the solution to the problem does not depend on you. And if you believe that the problem is not in it, then you will find a solution yourself.

If you suddenly find yourself complaining, find a way to be grateful.

If you are waiting for someone to help you, help yourself.

Create your own personal source of happiness. And continue to live as a whole, happy person, in need of nothing.

And then, when you learn to be such a thing in yourself, take the next step from this source of integrity, self-sufficiency and independence - give your love to people. Not because you want love in return, not because you want someone to need you, but because love is wonderful.

The psychology of love lies in the fact that a woman gives more, and a man takes more. If such a situation develops harmoniously and a man appreciates and takes care of his chosen one, then, as a rule, there are no problems. But when a woman begins to "dissolve" in a partner and forgets about herself, she loses confidence in her abilities. Then her psychology changes, and she thinks about how to become independent and self-sufficient.

Psychology of a woman: why do we need self-sufficiency?

Whatever the girl's psychology of love, if she is successful, then it immediately catches the eye. A self-sufficient woman knows how to win over those around her and establish contact with them. She enjoys life, is in harmony with herself and the world, and does not expect anything from other people.

Mind and beauty are, undoubtedly, the girl's trump cards. But as long as the ground leaves from under her feet and she is not confident in herself, she will not be able to use them. To fight your shortcomings and develop your strengths, you need to learn how to manage your own internal resources. A self-sufficient person can easily cope with jealousy, anger, resentment.

You need to fill the voids in your soul. Women who love themselves feel absolute peace of mind. Surrounding people feel such a psychology, therefore they respect and reckon with their opinion.

Self-sufficiency helps to overcome dependence on other people, to make decisions independently in any situation. The psychology of a woman who is confident in herself that she does not seek to live at the expense of other people's resources, and herself improves her life.

The psychology of self-love: where to start the change?

The very first step is overcoming emotional dependency. Attention must be concentrated on yourself, because people cannot express their love to you every second. You need to form your own rhythm of solitude and communication, peace and activity. The dislike of others should not destroy your inner world. Because of this, you can be a little sad, but you can’t run a “self-destruct program”.

The psychology of a self-sufficient woman is such that she does not create authority for herself. You need to understand that each person in a given period of time is at his life stage. Comparing yourself to more successful people won't do you any good.

Pride and vanity get in the way of success. You need to learn how to show people that they are important to you, and you appreciate all the services they provide you.

The psychology of self-love is such that you can not look back into the past. It takes away positive energy and "steals" self-sufficiency. You don’t need to constantly think about your mistakes and think about how your life could have turned out. It is enough to draw conclusions, draw a final line and start building a happy future.

The psychology of a woman is that she loves to feel sorry for herself. But self-sufficient people do not feel sorry for themselves, they are proud of themselves and strive for new victories. When you dwell on pity, you close your internal reserve.

Another important rule - do not lie to yourself. Anyway, sooner or later the truth will win. You can convince yourself that you love "this" and not "that." But it is unlikely that you can be a successful and self-sufficient woman if you are engaged in an unloved business. You need to reveal your potential and look for a calling - then success will not keep you waiting. The ability to conduct sincere dialogues with one's "I" is the key to harmonious relations with the outside world.

Do not complicate life - this is the basis of the psychology of self-love. Limit communication with people that are unpleasant to you, change jobs that have ceased to bring pleasure. Then the feeling of a happy flight will return, which inspires.

Criteria and psychology of self-sufficiency

The main sign of a self-sufficient woman is that she knows how to recognize problems in time and solve them. Therefore, he always separates the important from the secondary, adequately assesses the essence of events.

A successful woman always has short and long term goals. They allow you to rationally allocate time and bring constructiveness. When there are goals in life, it is filled with meaning.

The psychology of self-sufficiency is that one cannot feel free when there is no material independence. Therefore, a successful woman must provide for herself. Efforts must be made to ensure that the financial plan was in full order. Then inner self-confidence will grow every day.

The psychology of a woman who is successful is such that she cannot afford to be a “dummy”. Therefore, you need to engage in self-education, develop. Knowledge helps to win. A well-groomed appearance and an inquisitive mind are a powerful "weapon" of a woman.

It is important to understand that self-sufficiency is not an innate quality, but an acquired one. Believe that you are a person and your inner resource is enough to succeed. The psychology of a woman who works on herself changes every day - she becomes self-confident and independent.

Don't wait - act!

Any, even the most insignificant movement forward is more effective than stupid waiting. They don't call after the interview? Call and find out when a decision is made. Boyfriend can not decide on plans for the weekend? Plan your leisure time independently. Can't get promoted for a long time? Consider other companies or related vacancies. It is better to try many options and not get what you want than to do nothing at all. No one will do more for you than you yourself.

Don't think about how you are judged. Evaluate yourself

There is little pleasure in sitting on a date in a cafe and wondering “How do I like him?”. You must have noticed that men often do not even consider the possibility that they may not like them. So relax, sit back and evaluate your boyfriend in all respects. At the same time, you will decide whether it is interesting to you or not.

Don't wishful thinking

Imagine how much time you can save if you do not spend it on interpreting the signals of male sympathy. What difference does it make how he looked and whether he put his thumb in the belt of his trousers if he still hadn't called and offered to meet? The axiom, tested by generations of women, says: a man does not call for two reasons: either he does not want to, or he has died. The best mood is calm optimism and no mood swings due to someone's calls or their absence.

Feel free to cheer yourself up

How to become successful and independent? Don't let yourself get sloppy because your boss scolded you for being late, an elderly lady got nasty on the bus, or a friend criticized your new haircut. Other people should not negatively affect your emotional state and undermine your self-esteem. To keep fit, keep in mind a solid list of things that make you happy: a warm bath with a book, a cup of coffee with syrup, a visit to the pool or a trip to a pedicure. Compensate for failure with pleasure.

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Don't step over yourself

Self love is the first step in any relationship in your life. Don't expect others to love you more than you love yourself. The most valuable relationship in a person's life is the relationship with oneself. What matters is what you think of yourself. You can't feel emotionally comfortable in the morning if you've been in the office late the night before, doing someone else's work. When you don’t want to do something, politely refuse, and you will feel what “a mountain off your shoulders” and “lightness in your soul” means.

Don't compare yourself to others

Envy often arises from comparing your own successes with the successes of others. How to become an independent girl? If you don't like the fact that Lenka from the marketing department got a promotion, but you, the purchasing specialist, haven't yet, think about what doesn't suit you in your situation. Do you not feel that you are valued, do you not work according to your calling, or are you firmly convinced that a high status guarantees moral satisfaction? Comparing yourself with Lenka is the same as comparing south with north, and day with night.

Develop your abilities

Harmonious personal and professional development can make you happier and have a positive effect on self-esteem. Regularly do what you are good at and what you really enjoy. Learn to do it really well. And sometimes it is useful to trust some technique for identifying innate tendencies. You may not develop them, but you will certainly take note. What you do not do in your daily work can be turned into a hobby. Talent development nurtures qualities that can be valuable in both career and personal life.

Develop missing skills

You probably know the feeling of reluctance to take on a job that requires the use of tools that you are not good at. For example, you don't like working in Excel and you always delay preparing a report in this program. Ask a colleague to show you a few features and you'll be done reporting faster next month.

Brian Tracy, author of self-development and leadership books, writes about missing skills: double your income. You may be missing just one business skill! You probably already know what this skill is ... "

Forgive yourself weaknesses

Weaknesses are like curls on fingerprints, without them it would be impossible to identify who owns the fingers. Weaknesses make us not only imperfect, but also humane, because they teach us to accept the weaknesses of others. Forgive yourself not laziness and not bad habits, but some addictions and distinctive features: love for coffee, mess on the table, slowness or excessive talkativeness. Such little things, although they take you away from the ideal, but they work great for your corporate identity.

Be financially independent

Material independence gives you an advantage in everything. Girls who can take care of themselves are more respected, and you yourself feel much more confident with a stable income. You can be a real mistress of your life only if you don’t ask anything from anyone and don’t expect anything from anyone. An independent girl can afford spending that some would consider unreasonable: spa treatments, mood-boosting shoes, dinner at a restaurant, lots of swimwear, or taxi services. And yet, in order to become an independent woman, it is advisable to increase your own emergency reserve, setting aside 5-10% of your salary every month. If the funds stop coming, you will not be lost.

Be free from prejudice

Someone initially accepts for himself the rules of life by which the majority lives. In everything you need to listen to the advice of your parents, always give up your seat in transport, work only in your specialty, after two years of relationship you must get married, and preferably before the age of 25, and there must be at least two children. Such attitudes suit you only if you accept them for yourself. Curious neighbors who are eager to know when you will finally get married, it is better to answer politely but firmly: "As soon as I have such a desire, I will immediately inform you about it."

Text: Marina Lysenko and Anzhelika Zakharina

Can a woman become independent now, or rather, learn to be independent, solve problems, have financial independence?

Life has become so simple that in situations that a hundred years ago it was impossible to solve without the help of a man, she can confidently exclaim: “I myself!”.

What is independence for women? And how to become independent today.

This is an opportunity to be internally free, not to depend on moral and material factors. In order to become financially independent, one must be able to earn in such a way that one can afford a prosperous life. Moral independence means own moral principles.
Do not confuse the moral and material components of independence. You can achieve good material prosperity, but remain morally dependent on a man who does not have "moral brakes." Such a person, despite your financial achievements, treats you as a girl and a financial donor at the same time, and it is quite difficult to become independent in such conditions.

How do girls become independent?

In some families, even adult girls may experience problems associated with obsessive guardianship and control of parents who, even after the age of twenty, consider her a child. Becoming independent in a family with totalitarian control is not easy. There are absolutely absurd situations when a father or mother controls all her daughter's free time and demands that she ask him to go on a date and give reports on the evenings spent.
Such control deprives the girl of her personal life and independence. But often, brought up in obedience and obedience to the will of her parents, the girl is afraid of offending them.
Of course, she can wait for the prince, but even a fairytale prince will have a hard time finding a princess locked in four walls. It remains only to wait for the party that the parents will pick up and submit to their share. All this already initially drives into the framework and it will be extremely difficult to become independent or independent. But these girls are less and less.

Girls leave home and become independent. Living apart from their parents, they feel all the "pluses" of an independent life:

• become more independent;
• learn to plan expenses;
• arrange the house to your taste;
• start a life that suits them.

However, there are some pitfalls here, often living such a life, it becomes difficult to start a family. Life is running, ladies are getting older and getting used to living alone. They acquire habits, internal rules, goals. When a gentleman appears, they try to instill their rules, habits, goals in their new friend, and sometimes even shift their problems onto him. Which often ends badly. After that, all that remains for them is to remain a strong and independent woman forever.

What about those who do not have the opportunity to live separately?

Re-educate parents. You need to prove by your actions that you have become an adult independent person. You are a person and you are a young interesting woman who manages her own time, chooses her friends, spends her money on her own and plans her own expenses. You don't need guardianship. Become independent and independent today. Perhaps you shouldn't do it so abruptly if your parents are very sensitive.

Participate in the family budget, buy groceries, do housework and equip the home.
The older a woman gets, the less free time she has. Gatherings with girlfriends in their favorite cafe are becoming less frequent, and girlfriends have become confused, although in their youth it was believed that friendship was for life. Family: husband and children come to the fore.

So here it is it turns out that a woman should gain independence from her friends. This independence is expressed in the fact that you stop worrying about how your friends will evaluate you, what opinion they will express on this or that fact of your life.
Gatherings with girlfriends are useful from time to time, but it’s better to have two or three with whom you feel comfortable and sincerely communicate.

The biggest problem of gaining independence in women is gaining independence from men.

There is no need to purposefully look for a young man for yourself, and put this search as the highest priority, often such stories do not end very well. History and life cites many facts when falling into dependence on a man makes a woman unhappy.
Every girl experiences a feeling of loneliness during her life, and more than once. There is a category of women who perceive existence without men as hard labor.
If there is an addiction, then you need to deal with it. If there is no dependence on men, then you need to know how not to get into it.
It is important to understand: happy a woman can be on her own. A husband is not a desirable object of a happy existence. First you need to try to find joy in the most ordinary things. Shopping is the best medicine. A new dress, a creative haircut, a spontaneous trip to another city or just a cup of aromatic coffee in a small cozy cafe. And you, so rejuvenated on the outside, catch admiring glances, feel happy and… change internally.
This update will not happen immediately. Need time. But as soon as you, so self-sufficient, realize that you are happy and free, someone will appear who will appreciate you new, independent and happy.
This person will be able to become your favorite, as he will accept your independence. The main thing is not to step on the old rake!

Material wealth makes a woman independent.

To become independent, you need to get a good education, find a good job, gain professionalism and the ability to manage your finances. Financial well-being also makes a woman independent of a man. A personal financial airbag is a pledge of women's freedom. But, nevertheless, have prudence, let a man feel like a breadwinner.

© Alexey Pruslin specially for the site

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