There are quarrels in relationships, but they often strengthen relationships and add spice to them. But it is important to make peace in time so that a quarrel does not end the relationship.
Resentment has several stages. At the very beginning, people do not want to listen and hear each other. All you need to do to avoid breaking things is to go to different corners. Perhaps even live separately. It's okay not to talk. Communicating at first with notes and SMS is also normal. Natural rapprochement after a quarrel should be gradual. At this stage, you cannot behave rudely, invade personal space and show yourself in an aggressive way. Drunk calls, threats, flirting with her better than a friend in the hope of causing jealousy, they will not only push away their beloved, but also provoke her anger and desire for revenge. Anything can come into play here. And damage to things, and leaking of compromising photos on the Internet, and dirty gossip. It’s not for nothing that William Shakespeare said that the most terrible fury in hell cannot compare with an offended woman.
If a man wants peace, then he should not start a fire of war. When the emotional fervor fades, it will be time to think about yourself, about relationships and about how to move forward with your life. Usually girls experience melancholy, resentment, and guilt at this stage. They begin to get bored and are overwhelmed with the desire to speak out and speak out.
The worst thing is if the girl is silent or avoids communication even three to five days after the quarrel. This is depression, and a girl in this state is not interested in anything. Right now the relationship is closer than ever to collapse. At this stage, it is worth showing yourself as a sensitive, emotional person, aware of your mistake (even if it wasn’t, no one cares anymore) and ready to correct it.
A soft, sincere conversation will help improve relationships. And the reason for conversation will be a romantic gesture, which depends on financial capabilities and imagination young man. The impulse that will change a relationship can be a banal inscription in white paint on the asphalt, a musical number with a serenade, or a gift accompanied by a warm letter.
After reconciliation, a stage of euphoria begins, which can last from several days to two to three months. It depends on the temperament of the lovers. Cholerics quarrel more often, but quickly return to their original positions. Phlegmatic people accumulate resentment for a long time and worry longer; after reconciliation, they need a lot of tenderness and care. Sanguine people are more willing to listen to the arguments of reason than others. They can make peace simply because it is necessary: because of a joint child, living space, previously assumed obligations.
Do not think that a man, by apologizing first, is humiliated. He is only the first to take control of the situation, inclining the girl to the conditions that he himself voices. It is the male peacemaker who demonstrates his noble character, his generosity and shows wisdom, since the desire to protect relationships is a symbol of a mature and integral personality.
There is no escape from domestic quarrels in families, exchanging rude words and barbs, spouses are freed from emotional garbage. Psychologists say that conflicts are necessary for married couples to renew interest in each other. If spouses deliberately avoid quarrels, then this is a sign that they are indifferent to each other. These families are doomed to failure and broken relationships. However, quarrels can also have a destructive effect on the family if the spouses do not know how to swear correctly. Let's figure out how to quarrel so that after the conflict, feelings flare up with renewed vigor.
Mostly after quarreling spouses who love each other become silent and demonstrate their reluctance to talk anymore. This is one of the most dishonest and annoying behavior tactics. The silent side demonstrates that I am offended and angry, I will continue to ignore you, you are not worthy of my attention anymore. At the same time, the one who is silent waits for persuasion and forgiveness from the other, but often encounters reciprocal silence.
Silence after quarreling There can be two types: offended and wise. Offended silence differs from wise silence in that it leaves an unresolved problem, which sooner or later will make itself felt.
Offended silence- this is not a method for resolution; it puts the relationship at a dead end. It’s another matter if one of the spouses knows how to wisely remain silent during a quarrel, so as not to say everything that he thinks about his partner. In this case, the spouses begin to communicate immediately after they stop being nervous. You can remain silent after quarrels only when the resentment is suffocating, and you don’t want to inflict insults. In this case, wise silence helps not to aggravate the quarrel. But if you don’t talk to each other for several days, this will only ruin the relationship and give your partner time to remember in detail all your shortcomings.
After a period of resentment silence for several days It takes a few weeks for the spouses to reconcile. Usually one person offers peace, and the other agrees with relief. At the same time, they try not to touch on the problem that led them to a quarrel. They are afraid to discuss it because they do not want to quarrel again. And the problem remains unclear in the “piggy bank”, which again sooner or later will overflow and merge into a more serious conflict. After all, by hiding their fears and grievances from their partner, spouses only move away from each other. This, as you know, does not lead to anything good.
Spouses often resolve conflicts situation, throwing out all the irritation accumulated inside at each other. At the same time, partners remind everyone of the worst things they remember. Each ugly act or outlook on life is generalized and expressed as a pronounced character trait. For example, “You are a bad husband,” “You are a big egoist.” When quarreling, partners try to impose their point of view, which they consider the only correct one. In a quarrel, everyone tries to realize internal goals, increasing their self-esteem and finding justification for themselves.
Target quarreling- to justify oneself by blaming another. Ultimately, both partners feel unsatisfied, because the problem remains unresolved, plus they also quarreled. The irritation was splashed out on your loved one and now he harbors dissatisfaction with you inside. This type of quarrel can damage your health or cause a crack in your relationship. Finding out the relationship does not solve the problem that has arisen, but only further creates new discontent with each other.
Most The best way exit from conflict situations- is to replace a quarrel with an argument. Dispute implies respectful attitude of spouses towards each other. What is the difference between an argument and a quarrel? When arguing, partners are ready to listen to each other; they talk exclusively about the problem and are not distracted by discussion personal qualities. During an argument, try to ask yourself what your partner wants from you, try to understand his train of thought and put yourself in his place. There are no unnecessary shouts during an argument, there are no mutual insults and reproaches, it is important to understand the real reason spouse's dissatisfaction and find out whether this is true.
Try to avoid understatement and be frank with each other. Spouses who do not hide anything from each other and discuss all problems together are truly happy. If you feel irritated or unhappy with each other, then do not start arguing when you are in a bad mood or if you are very tired. You have to argue wisely. If you have poor control, a dispute can quickly turn into a quarrel. To keep the love and warm relations between you, the ability to avoid quarrels is very important.
Silence, persistent pursuit Married couples avoiding discussion of conflicts markedly increases the risk of divorce. But disputes force spouses to achieve greater openness and improve quality family life. You can solve problems by arguing even in front of children, you just need to learn how to solve them wisely.
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Silence is bad for relationships. However, if you find yourself fuming at the mere thought of talking to your other half, try using silence wisely. In the end, sometimes it really makes sense - in the heat of anger you can say a lot of unpleasant things to your loved one. How you deal with problems determines the longevity of your marriage. It happens that it’s simply easier for you to get away from an argument by slamming the door and starting to play the silent game. But at the same time, you risk not solving the problem.
The simplest reason for punishment by silence is a quarrel. The duration of “sanctions” can range from several hours to several days, and in some cases even years. On the one hand, this method may seem ideal if you want to simultaneously teach your other half a lesson and hurt her. But no matter what your goals are, silence always takes its toll on relationships. Here are the most common consequences of such punishment.
Fear. Shutting up after your partner's harsh words will not solve the problem, because you will not let him know that you are hurt. And most importantly, the other half will be perplexed and afraid because they don’t know what’s on your mind.
Lie. Few people like bumping into a silent wall. Since your partner doesn’t know what exactly upset you, he will prefer to lie next time so that you don’t have a reason to be offended. And all this because he is afraid of inadvertently hurting your feelings.
Loss of trust: The lies you receive in response to silence will one day be revealed when you catch your partner red-handed. Although he or she does not have to lie - if both stop talking, it is very easy for them to suspect each other of the most reprehensible acts. And since a heart-to-heart conversation still does not happen, suspicions become stronger, and as a result, trust is lost on both sides.
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As a rule, a silent strike continues until one of the partners apologizes. But what if both are confident that they are right and are not going to agree to reconciliation? Psychologists have compiled a kind of “guidebook”, describing how long silence should ideally last.
If you have a quarrel at home, it is better not to drag out the silence for more than an hour. Even if everything inside you is boiling with indignation, try to pull yourself together and talk to your other half.
If you are at a distance from each other - when you are both at work or one of you is on vacation - it is acceptable to remain silent for half a day.
If you just want to be alone so that no one pesters you with questions, immediately announce this to your partner. He must understand that now you are not in the mood to sort things out. Explain that as soon as you calm down, be sure to let them know that you intend to communicate. If it takes you a few days to calm down, your spouse will quite reasonably decide that you are offended and want to torment him - and this will be true.
So why use this technique if it's bad? Well, some people don't understand the explanations, and the only way to get through to them is to cause maximum discomfort. Silence is ideal for this purpose. But again, it should not drag on for too long, otherwise in the future your partner will prefer to lie to you. It is better to punish with silence less often - this should be an exceptional measure, otherwise there will be no effect.
But here's what you can't do while playing the silent game.
Ignore your other half. Don't lock yourself in your room or turn off your phone. If your partner becomes worried, simply explain that you need some time to yourself. Never pretend that your loved one is empty space.
Leaving your partner in the dark. No conclusions will be drawn unless you explain what you didn’t like. Say what offended you and what you think about it. While you remain silent, your spouse will be able to think about what they heard and decide how to correct the situation.
Leave. This way you will deprive your partner of the opportunity to explain himself if he has such a desire. Listen to him, tell him you want to be alone, and apologize.
Good evening. So I decided to contact you with my problem. We have been married for 20 years, our daughters are 15. But, nevertheless, scandals and quarrels in the family do not subside. Or rather, there are no scandals, in the usual sense of the word. we never, or almost never, yell at each other. Quarrels arise due to misunderstanding, the inability to express what exactly is the reason for the offense of one of us in each specific case, and if you express it, then the other party does not understand what is offensive in this situation. Quarrels are expressed in silence, non-communication and last from two weeks to two months. This situation is difficult for me, but it seems to me that my husband is happy with it. Why does it seem? Intuitively, he himself has repeatedly said that he is a single person and he likes it when my daughter and I go on vacation. There are 3-4 such quarrels a year, so it turns out that we don’t talk for 3-3 months a year. I'm tired, very tired. I tried different scenarios for getting out of the situation, the result was the same - we remain silent. During quarrels there are barbs from both sides, and lately there has been open humiliation of me in front of strangers. Well, now specifically about the current quarrel. In NG the holidays were in the village with his relatives (this relationship is generally a separate story, if experts deem it necessary to find out to clarify the general situation, I’ll tell you). We returned, he began to get angry with me, i.e. He walks by without looking at me, if something is out of place, he cleans the whole house with a knock, cleans up after the kitten and mutters that there is always dirt in the toilet, without saying a word he suddenly leaves for several hours. So December 5 passed, the next day I woke up, he was no longer at home, returned in the evening, silent, clearly annoyed. I don’t even bother so as not to aggravate the situation. On January 7, we had dinner with my parents, communicated normally, nothing reminded us of the two days of irritation and silence. From there we went to see friends, and they replaced him: he makes barbs at me, I would even say, on the verge of insult. They fussed a lot a few times awkward situations, friends tried to urgently hush them up. We arrived home and there was silence again. 8 in the morning I call for skiing, but the answer is ignore. I left on my own and when I arrived, he was not at home. Strange, where to go? I decided not to humor him and didn’t call to find out myself. His daughter called, especially since she had an urgent question for him. It turned out that he went with the men to the bathhouse. Towards evening I am preparing dinner; my husband took his daughter to the city. One hour away, two, three o'clock, at eight I sat down for dinner, literally half an hour later he arrives. He brought the kebab, laid it out, and called me. I didn’t eat, I explained that I had just had dinner, I’d sit with him and then we’d drink tea together. Although, to be honest, this offended me: he saw that I was preparing dinner. And if you brought barbecue, then at least say a word: they say you smelled the smell, you couldn’t resist, or you wanted meat, or there was dinner left for tomorrow, tomorrow is your first working day, so you can’t cook in the evening. Well, at least a word, why not my dinner. The silence continued on January 9 and 10. On January 10, we arrived home from work (he came to pick me up that day and as soon as I got into the car I saw that he was angry with me), he began to pack his things. I see that I have hunting equipment, I rush around the kitchen to quickly prepare dinner so that I have time to eat, I’m waiting for him to tell me what time he’s leaving, what car he’s driving, and when he’ll be back. He is silent and collects his things very irritably. A friend came to pick him up and even then he said how long he was going and kissed him on the cheek. I was absolutely stunned. Came back on Sunday. Of course, after three days at home, bored, resentment had already welled up in me. It’s unclear why he was offended by me, it’s unclear why he humiliated me so demonstratively. In general, the brought trophy did not help me understand it as usual. True, I decided to please him and asked him to leave one package of minced meat for tomorrow’s dinner. Say, I’ll cook it from fresh meat. I didn’t have dinner again, I just drank tea in the kitchen. And this is a grown man, after the adrenaline of the hunt, after fresh air. We went to bed and tried to make peace. I say, maybe it’s enough to be offended by me for no reason. Answer: I’m not offended. In general, they returned from each other and went to bed. On Monday morning she is silent again, walking by, stubbornly averting her eyes. In the evening I fried belyashi, he ate half of the belyashi and, in irritation, threw it on a plate and left. I decided not to freak out, not to be offended. Then the situation: he sneezed, I say: be healthy, he is silent. Repeated. I couldn’t stand it and asked, I couldn’t even say Thank you, but she answered that she hadn’t heard anything. And today my patience ran out and she offered to talk. He yelled at me that I didn’t know how to behave, in the village I was unhappy and the whites were undercooked and the cat had to be cleaned up after more often and he dripped blood from the meat, but I didn’t wipe it off (honestly, I didn’t see where). I calmly stood up and said: I’m tired, I collected everything in one pile, and specifically I started to be offended on January 5, specifically, what I did wrong. He answers in a raised voice that I don’t know how to behave. I got up and said: find whose behavior suits you, and I am who I am and will behave correctly separately from you. I didn’t even have time to pick up any bags, I started hugging her and saying: don’t be hysterical, calm down. I say: whoever you want to convince of my hysteria, I’ll do the dishes and go quietly. He says: calm down, don’t go anywhere. I say: I’ll go to the second floor and surf the Internet. And she left. Now I’m sitting here writing. In fact, right now I’m not ready to leave him (there have been more serious situations), but I can’t stand humiliation, especially in public, and I’m very morally and emotionally tired of the silence. Why do we behave this way and what exactly am I doing wrong in our relationship, maybe experts can help us figure it out. I have my own assumptions why he humiliates me (and even admitting it is scary, he gets satisfaction). P.s. Sorry for the typos, I’m writing from scratch, it’s difficult to edit here
