Any deception causes an unpleasant feeling of disgust and resentment. But when he starts lying own child, doubly unpleasant. Many parents are faced with children's lies, and there are two opinions about the reasons for this unpleasant phenomenon. The first is absolutely negative, when parents believe that the reason for children’s lies is insufficiently strict upbringing and bad influence friends. The second opinion justifies when adults blame themselves for everything and believe that the child is constantly lying, only because he suffers from a lack of their attention.
In fact, there is no need to go to extremes. Children's deception is an undeniably negative phenomenon that must be stopped. But you won’t be able to do anything about it until you figure out the reasons for your child’s behavior. But the reasons really most often lie in.
Why does a child lie?
To understand why children lie, let's divide them into two age groups, children under 7 years old and fairly adult schoolchildren. This must be done because children different periods growing up, perceive the world differently. Children under 7 years old do not understand where it ends real life and the fantasy begins. They don't know that the heroes of fairy tales don't really exist, and that ordinary life people cannot do everything that mom and dad talk about every night before going to bed. Kids constantly fantasize and attribute things to their toys. magical properties, and sometimes they can shift the responsibility for their misdeeds onto them. This happens because for young children the burden of responsibility for some actions sometimes turns out to be too great, and the fantastic world of fairy tales is so close. So they say that the dolls eat chocolate, which mother asked not to touch, and the bears break vases and plates.
Another reason why a child under 7 years old lies is because he lacks parental attention. If parents react violently to lies, the baby may constantly play pranks, just to feel like the center of attention in the family, at least for a short time.
Parents of children under 7 years of age should be lenient when it comes to their children's imaginations. Of course, you need to explain that it is very important for you that the child tells you the whole truth, and that you will under no circumstances punish him for what he did. But this is rather necessary to establish trusting relationships and prevent future deception. And while the child is still very young, you need to treat his inventions lightly and with humor.
The situation is much more serious if the child begins to lie to school age. Adult children already understand that they are doing wrong and are crossing the line of what is permitted. But even in this case, parents should not attack the child with screams and accusations. The child looks like an adult, but he, as before, has a fragile psyche. If parents are very strict, do not allow anything and only make unreasonably high demands, a lie may simply become the only salvation so as not to disappoint strict parents. Also, a child begins to lie if he knows that mom and dad react very violently, and possibly aggressively, to the slightest offenses. Therefore, if you are faced with such a problem, before scolding your child for torn out diary pages, or something similar, analyze whether he is not afraid to tell you about troubles at school. And if you feel that you really are too demanding, then you should adjust your behavior and try.
How to stop a child from lying? The answer is simple, you need to exclude the reasons that force him to do this.
- You need to talk with children, share your experiences, and discuss all their problems. You should always try to help, and even if you cannot do something, the child must firmly know and believe that you are always on his side.
- Well, and of course, less talk and more action! You yourself must become an example of honesty and integrity. There is no need to lie in front of your own children. Even over small things, when you don’t want to explain to your friends why you can’t help, or tell your relatives why you won’t visit them on the weekend. After all, in such situations we always “lie with a fever, a sore throat and cannot leave the house.” And then we wonder why children feign illness when they are too lazy to go to school.
It is difficult to determine exactly what is going on in a child’s head at the moment when he is deceiving, in order to help him later. Therefore, it is very important to initially create a pleasant and easy atmosphere of trust and respect in the family. A child who grows up in love, and most importantly has the opportunity to observe trusting relationship his parents, will not hide anything from them.
Parents and children must have friendly relations, there is no need to build a hierarchy in the family, and even more so, there is no need to expect obedience from children. You should be open to discussing any issues and providing any assistance. A child will not lie to his best friend, and it would be good if such best friend was mom or dad.
Toddlers are not able to lie at all until a certain time. But not because they are so honest by nature - it’s just that lying requires sufficient development of thinking and speech. Until the age of 2–3 years, a child still knows too little and does not express his thoughts well to lie. In addition, for the appearance of lies, a certain level of language development is necessary: in order to lie “high-quality”, you need to choose the words correctly and have good memory. From 3 to 5 years old, children actively accumulate experience, including emotional ones, and form ideas about the concepts: bad, good, shame, guilt, etc. The child absorbs patterns of behavior accepted in society (good manners, tact), which in themselves presuppose some omissions, omissions, i.e. “white lie”; learns to evaluate his actions and predict consequences, tries to manipulate adults in order to achieve his own goals. In fact, this is a common adaptation to public life. It is during this period that it “slips through”, at first it is simple and naive, but as the baby practices, his deceptions will “improve.” What is this, the norm or gaps in education?
When you find out that a child is lying, you should not be upset right away - his development is proceeding normally. After all, children's lies appear during the period of active language acquisition and imagination development, and these are the main acquisitions of a child in life. preschool age. Speech forms the basis of logical thinking, and imagination helps to comprehend mentally what cannot be touched, heard, or seen in reality. also indicates that the child is beginning to navigate society, because deception is new form influence on others, more mature and adult than those the baby had previously (screams, tears, hysterics). Therefore, we can say that children's lies are a common occurrence, and every child sooner or later goes through this stage. However, this does not mean that a child’s lies are a norm that can be ignored or encouraged. Deception always has reasons, and if situations where the child is cunning and shifts his blame onto others begin to repeat, it is necessary to figure out what is behind it.
At the age of 12, many children begin adolescence, and parents experience a difficult period, during which they need to show maximum patience. Children often become uncontrollable and stop obeying. How to help them and how should parents behave? We will talk about this in our article.
How to deal with aggression in a child?
Aggressive behavior of a teenager is most often a kind of defense. Typically, children who have problems communicating in groups become aggressive. The response to misunderstanding in society is excessive irascibility. The child gets irritated over trifles and splashes out his emotions on others. What should parents do? Of course, do not despair and try to help your child. It is necessary to show him by example how to behave with other people.
If your child is too aggressive, direct his energy in a different direction. For example, give it to sports section, where he can throw out all the negative emotions.
It is better to ignore mild manifestations of aggression altogether: there is no need to pay attention to them.
A 12 year old child has tantrums: what to do
Why does a 12-year-old child constantly cry, how to calm him down? Oddly enough, tantrums at this age occur quite often in children. A teenager may scream, cry constantly, stomp his feet, throw various items, in general, behave like Small child. Why is this happening? Do not forget that the child is in adolescence, and these are simply manifestations of emotionality. In this way, children can attract the attention of their parents and can demand permission from them to do things that are prohibited at their age. In any case, there is no point in focusing close attention on hysterics. Sometimes it can even be helpful to leave your teenager alone to calm down.
What to do if a teenager becomes uncontrollable?
What to do if a child at 12 years old becomes disobedient? Most likely, he is signaling to you that he needs help. Change your attitude towards your teenager and your parenting style. You need to look for the reasons for disobedience in the psyche of a teenager. In this way, a child can assert himself and show that he is old enough. This means that we need to try to reduce excessive parental care. Also, a teenager becomes uncontrollable if there are any problems in his family.
If you are worried about what your, until recently obedient child, out of control, take him to a psychologist. It will help stabilize emotional background teenager and find out why his behavior has changed so much.
How to stop a child from lying?
Children often lie, some less often, others almost constantly. Lying is often a way to avoid punishment or to increase one's value in the eyes of one's peers. Many children lie to challenge their parents' authority or because of family problems. How to deal with lies in children? Change your attitude towards your child, talk to him, show him that you accept him for who he is, with all his shortcomings and advantages. The main thing here is mutual understanding in the family and parental love.
What to do if a teenager often gets nervous?
Excessive nervousness in a 12-year-old child may also be a consequence adolescence. But sometimes it is a reflection of reality and can lead to psychological trauma. To find out the cause of a teenager’s nervous condition, it is better to consult a psychologist. This will help to avoid problems in the future, sometimes quite serious ones.
How to wean a child from stealing?
Theft must be stopped, but only if the parents are completely sure that the fact took place. You cannot unfairly accuse a child and start a conversation when there is no evidence. In addition, you need to talk about theft with a teenager in private, without bringing the problem to public discussion.
Stealing, in some cases, is a sign of a disease called kleptomania. This disease is characterized as a mental disorder, so it is best to show the child to a specialist.
Why do children steal? This may occur due to the inability to control one's impulses or in order to attract the attention of parents. A bad environment could also affect the child. Therefore, try to track who he communicates with and exclude unwanted contacts.
Be that as it may, support your child, do not turn away from his problems. Remember that only your attention and love can change a teenager in better side. And be patient - you will definitely need it.
To begin with, I will tell you about one unusual experiment: three-year-old children were asked to sit without turning around, while something interesting was behind them. The experimenter told everyone: “I’ll go out for a minute, and then I’ll show you what it is there, if, of course, you don’t turn around.” With these words the adult left. Of course, almost all the kids turned around. Later they did not admit it. What the children showed us in this experiment is normal behavior necessary for the development of a child.
Until a child turns seven years old, he confuses what is really happening and what is just pretend. For example, a child begins to enthusiastically tell how he saw a flying elephant. There is nothing wrong with such fantasies. Fantasy differs from lies in that the child does not want to achieve anything, does not try to manipulate you or wishful thinking. And even if in his fantasy the child replaces reality with fiction, for example, says that it was the hippopotamus that spilled the cocoa, it is better not to catch him in a lie, but to say: “It seems to me that you are sorry that you spilled the cocoa, and would prefer it if made by a hippopotamus.”
But there are other lies that cannot be ignored.
Paul Ekman- an outstanding American psychologist, professor at the University of California, a leading expert in the field of psychology of emotions, interpersonal communication, psychology and lie recognition, believes that a child’s lie is the first sign of mistrust between him and an adult. This is the result of lack of confidence in one’s strengths and capabilities. A lie speaks of a lack of faith that mom and dad will come to the rescue in difficult situation.
Children never lie for no reason. Every lie has a reason. For a child, this is a way to change something in their life. When we try to eradicate lies as such, we rarely achieve results. A more rewarding way is to try to find out why he is lying. I don’t promise you that this will make the child suddenly stop deceiving, but I assure you that the trust and warmth that arose with this attempt will sooner or later play their role. positive role and the baby will have fewer reasons to lie.
Unlike kids, younger schoolchildren cheat deliberately. Paul Ekman found out the most common reasons for lying:
- to hide your harm and guilt for it;
- to show a hostile attitude towards dad and mom;
- for adults to praise.
Older children have completely different motives for lying:
- lack of attention;
- protection of friends;
— assertion of one’s position;
- protecting your secrets;
- desire to avoid awkwardness;
- desire for self-affirmation;
- fear of humiliation or shame;
— testing one’s own strength;
- problems in the team;
— building your boundaries in relationships with parents.
According to the school psychologist Anna Antonova, first of all, the parents themselves need to figure out what exactly, from their point of view, is the lie. And is this even a lie? For example, secrets are normal. After all, we adults have a great many of them, and this is our personal space. Hiding bad grades is also not completely cheating. The thought appears in the child’s head: “Does a good schoolboy get bad grades? No!" Therefore, even if they do not scold at home for bad grades, the child will try not to upset his parents.
Habitual, almost constant lying at the age of ten and older is a bad sign, and cannot be treated with humor and condescension. The first thing to do is to figure out why the child is lying. The most common reasons for lying in teenagers are feelings of jealousy and competition, fear of rejection, and the need for more attention and approval. Often he does not see other acceptable alternatives to get the attention or help he craves. It sounds paradoxical, but many teenagers would rather be punished than ignored.
What to do if a child is lying?
What helps stop the cycle of lies, dishonest excuses and confusion between fantasy and lies?
- You need to create conditions so that the child trusts you, so that he is absolutely sure that you will not hurt his pride and will not make him regret the secret he told.
— Eliminate physical punishment;
—Tell your child about the consequences of lying:
- lies get in the way of love and trust, harm relationships between people;
- lies are often revealed;
- lying brings relief only for a while;
- if you deceive, be prepared for the fact that others can deceive you.
- Give the opportunity to feel independent and responsible for your actions.
But without a personal example, these words will remain words.
If a child is lying, your main task is not to bring him to clean water. Now it is important to convince him that he can trust you in a difficult situation, that home is not a place where they demand something from him and for something, but a place where he will be helped.
Video materials
The child often lies
What to do if a child is lying? Why does the child lie?
Children's lies
Many parents periodically catch their children telling lies. Kids tend to make things up different stories, embellish facts and fantasize. If you do not respond to this in any way, the child will continue to lie at an older age and will grow up to be a pathological liar. How to wean a child from lying? Take the advice of psychologists - they will help you establish a trusting relationship with your son or daughter and make sure that your child always tells you the truth.
Children's lies - normal or pathological?
According to a number of psychologists, the tendency to lie is a normal stage of child development. Everything that a baby sees, hears and feels in the first years of life is new and incomprehensible to him. A child has to process a lot of information and learn to use it every day.
For an adult it is obvious what is fact and what is fiction, but a child has yet to understand this. His logical thinking is at the stage of formation. Therefore, the baby sincerely believes in Santa Claus, the old woman and the fairy tales that his parents tell him. If a child cannot understand or explain something, he uses his imagination. At certain moments, reality and fantasy mix with each other. As a result, parents catch the child in a lie, although the child himself is sincerely confident that he is telling the truth.
It’s another matter if children consciously begin to lie. This usually happens if adults forbid something to a child. In this case, the kid begins to think about how to achieve what he wants, and the most obvious way is to cheat. Children’s logic is something like this: “If it’s not possible this way, then it will be possible if I say it differently.” Therefore, children begin to consciously lie and manipulate adults. It is important for parents to take action in time, otherwise innocent children's deception will turn into a habit of always achieving what they want with the help of lies.
Reasons for children's lies
Children often tell lies because they mistake their fantasies for reality. However, children's lies can be quite conscious. There are a variety of reasons for this, including:
- the desire to get what parents prohibit;
- lack of attention from parents or the desire to appear better than he really is;
- fear of punishment for wrongdoing;
- self-justification;
- dissatisfaction with living conditions;
- failure to meet parental expectations;
- pathological lie.
Let's take a closer look at the reasons for children's lies to make it easier for parents to understand what is happening to their child.
The desire to get what parents forbid
Example: The child has already eaten sweets, but wants more. He tells mom that dad allowed him to take candy (even though he hasn’t come home from work yet). “I didn’t know how long it was, so I was late home”... etc.
Solution to the problem: stop banning everything. Kids begin to lie if they constantly hear the word “impossible,” because this causes protest. Therefore, they try to use lies to defend their interests. Review the prohibitions, reduce their number and leave only those that directly relate to the child’s health, safety, educational issues, regime, and food traditions. Only if you give your child more independence will he be able to learn to take responsibility for his actions. It wouldn’t hurt to tell your child that you can get what you want not only through deception. Tell him that you just need to ask for the same toy, explaining why it is so needed. In addition, the child must understand that it is important to behave well - then adults will reward him for his obedience.
Lack of attention from parents or the desire to seem better than he really is
Example: the child began to seriously talk about his superpowers - incredible strength, dexterity, intelligence, courage, endurance - although for an adult it is obvious that the child is trying to pass off wishful thinking.
Solution to the problem: How should parents feel about this? What about lies or what about fantasy? If the baby is lying and trying to pass off wishful thinking, this is an alarming signal. It indicates that the child is looking for ways to interest close people, which means he lacks warmth, affection, attention and support from his parents. Let your baby feel your love. Give your child more attention and develop your child's abilities. Explain that each person has his own talents. Some are good at skateboarding, some sing or dance great, and some know everything about the Egyptian pyramids or space. So you need to develop and show your real abilities, and then no one will consider you a liar or a braggart. Read books and children's encyclopedias with him, go for walks, and communicate. Take your child to some club or sports section. This way he will develop his real abilities, become more self-confident and be able to brag about his real achievements.
Fear of punishment for wrongdoing
Example: the child broke a vase and is trying to shift the blame onto the cat or younger brother so that he would not be scolded, deprived of something good, or, worse, beaten.
Solution to the problem: Be calmer in your relationship with your baby, punish him only for serious offenses, but not too harshly. If a child is shouted at for the smallest offense, threatened with spanking, constantly deprived of sweets and watching TV, he begins to be afraid of his own parents. By punishing the child too often and severely, parents provoke his desire to avoid them in any way. Make decisions based on the fact: if your child breaks a cup, let him clean it up; if he offends someone, let him apologize; if he breaks a toy, let him try to fix it himself; if he gets a bad mark, he needs to study and fix it. These conditions are fair. They don't insult dignity little man, so the need for lying disappears by itself.
Self-justification
Example: the child did something bad and tries his best to justify himself - he babbles something incomprehensible, finds thousands of excuses, blames other people to justify himself and tells how much he was offended (“He started it first”). After which a story is given about how the offender started first, what offenses he caused, etc. Note that the “offender” tells a similar story.
Solution to the problem: support your child in any situation and discuss with him everything that happens in his life. Children's lies aimed at self-justification are very difficult to eradicate. Pride does not allow the child to admit he is guilty, so he looks for ways to whitewash himself. Talk to him softly and friendly, explain that you will not stop loving him, even if he was the first to take away another boy’s toy or get into a fight. When a child is confident that his parents will support him in any situation, he will begin to trust them more.
Dissatisfaction with living conditions
Example: the child began to invent incredible stories about his parents, that his parents were very rich, constantly giving him toys, taking him to the sea, to distant countries, that his dad was often shown on TV. These dreams of a better existence indicate the child’s dissatisfaction with his social status. A child can understand such things already at 3-4 years old, and at 5 years old he will already have a good understanding of who is rich and who is poor.
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Solution to the problem: try to fulfill the child’s wishes at least sometimes and fight. Already at the age of 3-4 years, children begin to realize that people differ in social status, and by the age of 5 a clear understanding of wealth and poverty comes. IN kindergarten there is always a child who has been given more gifts for a birthday that made it more interesting to spend the summer with your parents. This causes envy, and the baby begins to voice his dreams, passing them off as reality.
If a child lies because he considers himself worse than other children due to his lower social status, look for an opportunity to give him at least part of what he dreams of. Maybe not “just like that,” but so that the child puts in a little of his own effort. Regarding “greedy” preschoolers who uncontrollably want to get all the toys on earth, explain that this is unrealistic, but it is possible to receive good gifts from time to time.
Failure to meet parental expectations
Example: the girl loves to draw, and her mother sees her as a musician; the boy wants to enroll in a radio club, and his dad sees him as a talented translator. While their parents are away from home, they draw and design, and then lie that they were diligently studying music or English. Or a child with quite average abilities, whom his parents want to see as an excellent student, talks about the bias of his teachers, justifying his low level of success.
Solution to the problem: Unfortunately, it happens that the expectations of parents are a heavy burden for children. Often adults want their children to do something that they couldn’t do. Think about whether your expectations contradict the child’s inclinations and interests? It is dishonest to force him to show abilities and achieve goals instead of you (in accordance with your unfulfilled childhood dreams), “for you in childhood.” For example, a mother was unable to become a translator, and now she is forcing her son to learn a foreign language. These expectations may not correspond to the baby's interests. Parents should listen to the wishes of their children. Not wanting to upset loved one, the child will begin to lie and dodge, but still will not achieve success in his least favorite activity. It’s better to let your child go his own way - then there will be less deception in your family.
Pathological lies
Example: the child constantly uses lies for personal gain - lies about what he did homework so that he is allowed to go for a walk, shifts the blame onto someone else in order to avoid punishment, etc.
Solution to the problem: specialist help is required. Pathological lying is a fairly rare phenomenon in childhood. If a child constantly deceives, tries to manipulate others, then he needs to be shown to a psychologist. He will help you choose a solution for your specific case.
How does lying manifest itself in children of different ages?
Parents may hear the first lie from their 3-4 year old children. By the age of 6, the child is already aware of his actions and understands that he is lying. However, in general, it can be difficult to understand whether the child is lying consciously or really believes what he came up with.
As a child grows up, the motives that push him to cheat also change:
4-5 years. Children of this age are different wild imagination. They still believe in fairy tales, magic and often confuse reality with the fictional world. Often preschoolers lie unconsciously - they simply wishful thinking (these are the features of their development). Therefore, what a child says at 4-5 years old cannot be regarded as a lie. You need to treat this as a fantasy.
7-9 years old. At this age, all a person’s actions and words become conscious. Schoolchildren are already able to draw the line between their fantasies and reality. They begin to deceive intentionally, exploring the possibilities of lies, using them for their own purposes. If a child begins to lie often, parents should be wary. Serious problems can be hidden behind constant lies.
How to explain to a child that lying is bad?
Children's lies are a problem that needs to be eliminated. If you notice that your child is trying to use lies for his own benefit, first of all you need to analyze the child’s behavior, talk frankly with him and try to understand the reason for the dishonesty. After all, children usually don’t lie just like that; certain circumstances always push them to do so. Once you understand them, you can find a way to stop children's lies.
Use the following tips to convey to your child that deceiving other people is not good:
- Talk to your child more often, discuss topics of good and evil. Examples include situations from movies, cartoons, and fairy tales. The child must understand that happiness, success and luck accompany positive heroes, and good always defeats evil.
- Prove the inadmissibility of lying by personal example. If dad, while at home, asks mom to answer the phone and say that he is not there, the child develops a loyal attitude towards lies. Do not allow such situations, demand honesty from your household.
- Tell your child that there is a “polite lie,” which involves treating people tactfully in order not to offend them (for example, when you didn’t like a birthday present).
Recommendations from psychologists for raising an honest child
- Distinguish between fantasy and deception. Remember that preschoolers often have a blurred line between fiction and reality. If your child’s imagination is too active, perhaps he simply has nothing to do - diversify the child’s leisure time.
- Don't punish people for cheating. Your screams, indignation and scandals will only tell the child that the lie should be hidden more strongly and, as a result, will lead to the fact that the child will not stop lying, but will only begin to hide his lies better.
For the need to lie to disappear, the child must be sure that close people:
- trust him and each other;
- they will never humiliate him;
- will take his side in a controversial situation;
- will not be scolded or rejected;
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