What to do if a child lies at 11. Wild imagination or conscious deception? The punishment is proportionate to the offense

All parents try to instill honesty in their children. This quality is included in the list of standard human values. And what is the surprise of parents when the little one, having barely learned to speak, begins to lie? Adult logic We are immediately presented with bleak prospects: first a small lie, then a big one, then a pathological one, what will grow out of this person?

Smart and serious adults, let's not dramatize the situation! A child's lie is a cry for help. Your child needs your support. In addition, a child’s lie always, in all cases without exception, has a positive intention. This sounds a little strange, I understand, but I will try to prove it to you.

And I'll start with us, adults. Tell me, which of us is not lying? According to statistics compiled through a large-scale sociological study by the same notorious British scientists, people for average life deceive each other at least 88 thousand times! An adult thus cheats approximately 4 times a day. This is an average, some people do it more often.

Men are more prone to deception - they cheat more than 5 times a day, women - 3-4 times. Silence of the truth and secrets (of which each of us has a carriage and a small cart) are also forms of lies.

It turns out that humanity is hopeless? No. A lie is a defense mechanism that helps each of us adapt to society. Moreover, lying is quite comfortable not only for those who lie, but also often for those who have been told a lie.

So, if adults lie, what do we want from children? The only difference is that adults know how to use lies as a useful tool for themselves. Children mostly use it as a shield. In addition, lying helps in the development of the child’s psyche.

Types of lies

To this list of the American doctor of psychology, I would add more fantasy. But they are typical for children, harmless in essence, and even beneficial - they develop imaginative thinking.

So what positive intention is hidden in a lie? Justified lies are somewhere nearby and the instinct of self-preservation. This is protection. A “white” lie has the goal of making someone feel good; it is a positive intention. Positive and the desire to receive money, material values, love, respect from others. This is why both adults and children lie. Thus, it is stupid to condemn someone for lying, because the person wanted the best! But under no circumstances should children’s lies be ignored, otherwise the child will truly not grow into a worthy person.

Why does the child lie?

• Excessive demands are placed on him. And the higher the level of parents’ expectations, the more often and more masterfully the child lies, so as not to disappoint the parents who idealize him with his real actions.
• The child has a crisis of trust in relationships with loved ones. This is the most common reason childish deception. Usually it is not isolated, but can be traced in all cases when a child tells a lie.
• The child is brought up in excessive severity. And the kid constantly lies to avoid another punishment for something.
• The child loves his parents very much. Yes, no matter how strange it may sound, it is tender affection that sometimes pushes a child onto the path of untruth. If you make statements that “his pranks will soon lead you to your grave” or clutch your heart at the sight of broken dishes, painted wallpaper and glue spilled on the carpet, the baby will quickly remember this and will hide the truth and tell tall tales in order to preserve your health and mental health. equilibrium.

Do you recognize your child in this list? Then you are already halfway to success in the fight against untruth. After all, knowing the reasons for deception helps eliminate the problem itself.

Age-related characteristics of children's lies

2-4 years

At this tender age, all the little ones are sweet dreamers. Children are still learning to create mental images, and often pass off what they have imagined as real. So, the baby can enthusiastically tell you how he saw a flying cat or a pink elephant in the morning. Don't disturb the dreamer. Don't stop his lies in the bud. After all, it is at this age that the genius in a growing person can be destroyed.

Help him realize his fantasies. Offer to draw a flying cat or a pink elephant and pretend that you believe in their existence.

4-5 years

At this age, children are not yet able to distinguish reality from falsehood. They sincerely believe your lies, and are already beginning to practice theirs. Most often this happens to children who are faced with disapproval or censure from adults. They lie because they are afraid of losing love. For example, when asked if he put the toys away, a child confidently says that he did.

Despite the fact that the bears and cars continue to lie in the artistic mess, the baby does not want to upset his mother, who expects him to help with cleaning. Talk to your child confidentially. Make contact. Try to behave kindly. Promise not to punish him if he tells the truth.

And most importantly, let your child know that he is loved and appreciated by everyone. When he learns this, the need to deceive will disappear by itself.

7 years

At this age, significant changes occur with the child. Boys and girls go to school, and now they need personal space - a place, a room, a corner where they can be masters. If it is not there, the child lies, hiding behind it as a shield. Help your child organize such a space. Naturally, within reason.

And also explain that the independence he has acquired is not at all permissiveness. Most likely, the offspring will repeatedly “test your strength,” including with the help of lies.

8 years

At this age, the child’s desire to be liked by others at any cost is very noticeable. For now, the main thing for him remains the opinion of his parents, so it is his mother and father who will be the target of lies, the purpose of which is to hide his mistakes and failures from his loved ones. This is how students hide the fact of receiving a bad grade from their relatives.

Talk to your child, he is already able to understand that lying is a temporary salvation, and everything secret becomes clear. Don't blame him, don't try to sort things out.

9-10 years

A growing child often begins to lie in order to gain a more socially important place among his peers. He already perfectly understands the difference between truth and untruth. But how inspiredly he tells tales! You will listen!

Children at this age tend to invent stories for their classmates about the wonderful and prestigious work of their parents, luxurious living conditions, the guys boast about non-existent “cool” toys and gadgets and personal acquaintance with movie or sports stars. What to do? Yes, by and large, nothing.

Remember yourself at this age: you probably did the same thing! Just control the situation so that your son or daughter’s lies do not go beyond the bounds of reason and harm others.

11 years

The reason for children's lies at this age usually lies in an advanced crisis of trust in the family. It may also be a consequence of strict upbringing. Lower the bar of demands, think about why the child does not trust you. It’s not too late to correct the situation - on your own or with the support of a specialist.

If the lie is not defeated now, it will be more difficult later, because the teenager requires a certain amount of independence and will try to get it at any cost, even by lying. Don’t delay and sign up with your whole family for a consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist.

12 years

Your teenager has already set personal boundaries. Now he will persistently expand them. If parents try to force their way into the space of their son or daughter, they will be met with rudeness, aggression and lies.

Remember: a child at this age can only invite you into his personal life. If he doesn't, adjust the level of trust in your family. Do not blame the child under any circumstances. It develops in strict accordance with the laws of nature. And lies are his defense mechanism.

After the age of 12, teenagers usually lie masterfully, and it becomes increasingly difficult for adults to recognize deception. And the reasons why they do this are increasing.

Young liars try to compensate for the lack of attention, protect their friends, defend their position or a big personal secret, strive for self-affirmation and try on the mantle of a leader, are afraid of humiliation, shame, disgrace, hide problems in the team and, as we already know, protect with all their might boundaries of personal space from penetration by adults. Do you see what the load is?

How to stop lying?

With this question, parents often turn to educators, teachers, psychologists, and search for the truth on the Internet. At the same time, they often receive “harmful” advice that can only aggravate the situation. One such tip is to use physical punishment.

A child's lie is not the right time to discuss the benefits and harms of spanking. You just need to take it for granted that you cannot spank a child for lying. This will be a war against windmills. Even without punishment, he knows perfectly well that he is doing wrong. This is why teenagers so often develop depression due to lies. They are afraid of double punishment - both for a bad deed and for the lie with which they disguised the nasty thing they did. At the same time, they experience fear of exposure. This is extreme stress.

Belt and physical strength will not be effective in combating children's lies

Effective methods To wean a child from lying a few times:

• Search for the reason. This is where you need to start anyway.
• Overcoming the crisis of confidence. Conversation with the baby or serious conversation(without shouting or insults) - with a teenager.
• An excellent way to reduce the flow of lies can be your offer to enter into a written agreement. You commit to buy your child something that he has long dreamed of. In return, he undertakes to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. If a lie is detected, the contract is canceled. Hang the completed and signed paper in a visible place.
• Stop making children's lies a huge problem. If it is not chronic and does not harm others, then by and large there is nothing terrible about it. Remember how many times a day an adult lies, according to statistics...

• You shouldn’t immediately, as soon as a child’s lie is revealed, start thinking through a plan to effectively punish the scoundrel. Start with yourself. Keep track of how often you tell lies in front of your child, maybe this will help you understand where the root of the problem lies.
• There is no single recipe for combating children's lies. How many children there are, so many reasons to lie. This means there are just as many ways to eliminate deception.
• If a teenager is lying, forceful methods are generally useless and can lead to a deterioration in relationships. One of my friends used a strap to treat her son, who had been lying since he was 12 years old. Do you think he's stopped cheating? Whatever the case. By the age of 14, he not only composes “as he breathes,” but also steals money from his mother for personal needs. To prevent such a gap in your relationship, try to communicate confidentially with your teenager.
• Specialist help is required if a child over 10 years of age lies too often and for any reason. This may indicate disturbances in the psychological background, personality development, and in some cases the presence of neurological and psychiatric diseases.
• If your liar is between 3 and 5 years old, often turn the revealed lie into a joke. Laugh at her together.
• When you decide to have a conversation, remember that it is better to talk to your child about the dangers of lying in private. Don't make a noisy scene. Don't do this in front of strangers. Sometimes it is better if one of the parents, whom he trusts more, talks to the child. In the absence of another. Tell clearly what a lie can lead to, how unpleasant it is to communicate with a liar, and what consequences may occur. Feel free to provide examples from personal experience when a lie turned into an extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant situation for you. Focus on your feelings at the time of disclosure. Everyone has such examples from life. From me, from you, from the country's top officials, from TV stars. If you claim that you have never lied, you are lying right now.
• Adults should keep their feelings and emotions under control. Children feel very well when their lies “hit the target.” Don't let lies ruin your relationship.

Remember that there are no bad and good children. All children are good. And even with lies, they try to convey their positive intention to you. The main thing is to recognize in time why the child is doing this, what type of lie he uses (he keeps silent about reality, distorts it, or even invents something that did not happen in reality). And only then, after taking seven deep breaths, as samurai do before making a decision, begin to eradicate the eternal human flaw - lies.

In the next video, psychologist and positive psychotherapist Spiridon Oganesyan explains why a child lies and how to wean him from it.

Watch other videos too.

About what reasons lead to a child growing up" pathological liar", says psychologist Veronika Stepanova in the next video.

Children are such dreamers that the best fairy tale writers in the world would envy their stories. It is simply impossible not to believe in children's stories - how could it be otherwise, because they do not know how to deceive for profit. Or do they know how? No matter how sad it may sound, toddlers deceive adults much more often than one might imagine. Here are the statistics for clarity: scientists have found that at the age of three, a child lies once every two hours, and already at the age of 6 he tells a lie two or even three times during the same time. Based on these data, it is easy to guess that the older the baby gets, the more often he cheats, and as he grows up, he begins to do it consciously. What should parents do if they are faced with the problem of children's deception? Is there any way to stop your child from lying?

Sources of lies

If we approach the problem from the scientific side, i.e. From a psychological point of view, we can identify the following main reasons why a child began to lie:

1. Lies for the sake of image. Most often, children begin to deceive not because they have set themselves the goal of intentionally hiding something, but because such a reality seems more attractive to them in their eyes. As a rule, this “works” in front of peers, for whom, in fact, the embellished story is invented. For example, my sister moved to live in America, and my dad is a big businessman and earns a million a day. Such stories from the lips of a child, of course, sound funny to an adult, but to a peer who did not think of presenting each of his family members in this way, the story will seem very plausible.

2. Fear. One of the most common reasons why a child lies to his parents. In this case, the baby is simply afraid of a cause-and-effect relationship - in other words, he understands that he did wrong and thinks that if he tells the truth, he will simply be punished. In addition to fear of punishment, a child may also lie because he is afraid of disappointing or upsetting his loved ones. In such situations, psychologists advise paying attention to relationships in the family, which have probably suffered serious cracks.

3. Mistaken growing up. The desire to grow up quickly often pushes a child to lie to his parents. Moreover, older members of the household may not even suspect that they are the ones setting the bad example. For example, a dad’s banal lie about what he’s doing now if his mom asks about it, or a request from one of the family members to lie on the phone that he’s not at home - all this can be deposited in the baby’s mind as an integral part of everyday life or as an element communication.

4. Deception as a way to maneuver between dad and mom(or other family members). This type of childish lie appears when unfriendly relationships develop in the family for some reason. Here's an example: Mom doesn't get along with her mother-in-law. They often argue among themselves, sometimes even for no apparent reason, and they do it in front of a child who does not understand anything. In order not to upset the mother, the child agrees with her opinion about the grandmother’s actions, and in order to remain among the grandmother’s favorites, the baby agrees with her in everything. And so that dad doesn’t get upset again about bad relationship mothers and grandmothers, he has to deceive him too.

5. Lying as a way to attract the attention of adults. When a child feels a lack of attention from the people closest to him, he experiences stress. The way out of the situation for him is to lie. Often this deception is revealed by parents and they, in turn, punish the child. But he still feels a sense of satisfaction - they paid attention to him, and that’s exactly what he needed.

6. Lies as protest. Reaching the most difficult age for parents - 12-13 years old, the child realizes that he no longer needs to tell mom and dad about everything. He considers himself old enough and independent, so from now on he has the right to make decisions on his own. As a result, everything does not always end the way the teenager planned for himself, and, of course, mom and dad shouldn’t know about this.

Naturally, these are not all the reasons why a child lies. As psychologists are sure, every child’s lie has its own reasons, and it is impossible to consider them through the standard prism of reasons - each case is unique and must be considered individually.

How can you tell if your child is lying?

Although children tend to deceive their parents, they still do not know how to do it as skillfully and perfectly as, for example, politicians. Recognizing that a child is lying is not so difficult - the main thing is to take a close look at how he says it and what he does. Signs of a child's lie are as follows:

• When a child cheats, he will never look you in the eye. If you want to “see through” him, then ask him not to take his eyes off you - believe me, at the very first phrase you will understand that the child is lying.
• When a child cheats, even consciously, he still feels insecure and uncomfortable. Therefore, he shifts from foot to foot and constantly scratches himself first on the head, then on the arm, or on the eyes, forehead, and neck.

• If the baby constantly stumbles during his story/answer to the parent’s question, then this is a warning sign for you that he, most likely, is not telling you the whole truth.
• Do you doubt that you heard the truth from your child? Ask him to repeat everything he said - if the answer was thought up spontaneously, it is unlikely that he had time to remember the sequence in his story.
• If a child is lying, his facial expression will change and his cheeks will likely turn red.
• The baby brings his finger to his mouth or nose - these will not be forced movements, but reflexive ones, and they will symbolize his lies.
• When a baby's hands are always behind his back or in his pockets, this may indicate his desire to hide something from his parent.

What should parents do if their child constantly lies?

How to teach a child not to lie? Is it possible to somehow combat his constant deception? Psychologists already have answers to these questions. But it doesn’t look like it’s in the format of what needs to be done, but rather what not to do. The psychologists' advice is as follows:

1. You cannot punish a child for lying.(this means not only Physical punishment, but also a shout at him) - he will perceive this as a result of the fact that you found out the truth somehow. This can lead to the fact that the relationship “if they find out the truth, then they will shout at me” becomes firmly entrenched in his subconscious, which in fact will push him to constantly lie. Try to explain to your baby that lying is bad, because it is much better to be honest and open with your parents (it is important to do this calmly and without shouting).

2. Forcing a child to tell the truth by frightening him with some kind of punishment, for example, a week without computer games, etc., is not a solution. On pain of punishment, he is unlikely to confess anything to you; on the contrary, he may even close himself off from you. There is definitely no need to do this.

3. There is no need to reduce education to constant prohibitions. Judge for yourself, if you forbid him everything, then he will certainly find a loophole to what he wants through lies.

4. In no case don't get hung up only on the positive emotions of the baby. Even if he expresses negative emotions for some reason (bad grade, quarrel with a friend), then they should also be perceived by you as the norm. If a child sees that his bad mood somehow upsets you or even angers you, then he will hide it from you, much less tell the truth about what happened to him.

5. If your child starts lying all the time, then maybe you have chosen the wrong parenting method. Straight Talk at the right moment it will help you figure out what you are doing wrong.

6. Try to teach your baby eliminate the results of misconduct. Establish this rule with him: if you break or break something, you don’t need to lie about it, it’s better to put away what you broke or fix what you broke. In any situation, it is best to admit what you have done - you will not be scolded or punished if you tell the truth!

7. Always remain an authority for your child and subject to follow. Teach your child to be honest in everything: tell your loved ones at a family dinner about how your day went, use the expression “I want to confess to you...” as often as possible - all this will help to clearly show the child that being honest with your family is wonderful.

8. Praise the child for his honesty. Agree, it’s better to once again tell him “Well done!” for honest confession, rather than constantly punishing misdeeds.

And most importantly, realize that we all start lying not because we want to hide something. This skill is inherent in us by nature, and only we can “tame” it. And children, due to their small age, do not yet know how to do this, even without your proper education and with sensitive supervision, their naive fantasies will quickly develop into constant lies.

• 07.05.2008
• 116892 views

Hello, Ksenia. Our daughter is 10 years old, after the divorce we live together. What to do: tears out pages from notebooks, puts good grades in her diary, doesn’t talk about extracurricular activities, doesn’t write down all her homework, is very lazy, she has to repeat the same request 3-5 times and not always with results. And at the same time very affectionate, cheerful and active in everything that does not concern household chores and studies. How to behave, how to build a conversation, if it would seem that everything has already been explained to her, I don’t hit her, only with a temporary deprivation of any pleasures, such as: a ban on watching TV, a ban on going for walks, a refusal to buy new stickers, going on vacation, etc. ..

I work a lot, I can’t communicate as much as I would like, I really want to get understanding and help from the child, but in reality there are only words about how much she loves me and a complete lack of actions confirming this. What's my mistake? What am I doing wrong? How can I teach her to take responsibility for her actions and think about the consequences of what she does?

Thank you. Sincerely, Natalia.

Ksenia Shvetsova, psychologist

Hello, Natalia!
First of all, you need to figure out why yours, understand the motives for deception. Here are some reasons why a child starts lying:

1. A lie often serves as a means to make a child’s life easier. Especially if his parents keep telling him “no”
2. Often a lie speaks of what is locked in the child’s soul, what worries and torments him, causes great fear, perhaps there are problems that need to be solved.
3. Avoids stressful situations.
4. A child may lie if he knows that you are capable of turning a small offense into an “elephant.”
5. By lying, a child avoids punishment. Think about whether your requirements for your child are too high, do they correspond to his capabilities? Don't you humiliate him with constant lectures and moralizing? Does the child have a fear of punishment?
6. A child begins to lie if parents do not pay enough attention to him. And she is trying to attract your attention at any cost. Since you noticed that she lied, it means that you are not indifferent to her. This is childish logic.
7. Children lie to avoid ridicule when they accidentally “fall on their face.”
8. Has a desire to appear better than he really is.
9. can be seen as an attempt to protect your privacy, show your independence, and avoid difficulties. Of course, deception can also be regarded as an attempt to get away with punishment, or an attempt to get something that could not be achieved if they told the truth.
10. Another common reason for children's lies is the fear of disappointing their parents. The child tries to meet expectations. Children are under a lot of pressure to perform well, whether from parents or teachers. Many children also believe that their future depends on good grades. And if they do not meet these expectations, do not do well at school, then the child feels that he has no other choice but to deceive, and then deception functions as a defense mechanism against excessive pressure.

If you want to teach a child to be honest, then you need to be prepared to listen to sometimes the bitter truth from him, and not just the “pleasant” one. If you want your child to grow up honest, you should not allow him to tell lies about his feelings, be they positive, negative or mixed. Our reactions to his expressed feelings help him understand whether honesty is truly the best policy.

How lies convey truth. If children are punished for telling the truth, they lie out of self-defense. Sometimes they fantasize, invent something incredible that they lack in Everyday life, in real. Children's lies convey to us the truth about the child's state of mind, about his fears and hopes, about who he would like to become, what he would like to do. To a sensitive listener, a lie will tell what it seems designed to hide. Correct reaction to a lie should express understanding, and not denial of its true meaning. To help a child draw the line between what is desired and what is actual, it is necessary to use the information contained in the lie. If we find out that our daughter failed her arithmetic test, we shouldn’t ask her: “Well, how did the test go? Oh, good? This time you won't fool me! I talked to the teacher and I know that you wrote the work very poorly.” Instead, you need to tell your child directly: “The teacher told me that you failed your arithmetic test. I’m worried and thinking about how I can help you.”

In short, we should not encourage so-called “defensive lies” or set traps for children. If the child still lies, there is no need to throw a tantrum or lecture. You need to respond in word and deed that realistically reflect the state of affairs. The child must understand that there is no need to lie to parents.

Lies do have many meanings and meanings. White lie. Lies as a way of manipulation. A lie, for the sake of the lie itself, “for the sake of words.” How older child, the more sophisticated he uses lies. At first almost unconsciously, then quite consciously and calculatedly. And as soon as a lie becomes a tool to achieve a child’s goal, it’s time to call him to account. This is where childhood ends and adult responsibility for one’s words begins.

How to prevent children's lies?

Create an atmosphere in the family in which lying will not be necessary in principle. If a child knows that he can trust his parents with his secrets, his actions are discussed and accepted, and punishment is not used as an educational tool, then a motive for lying may never arise.

Before you angrily stop the deception and expose the liar, try to understand the motives of his action. Even the most serious offense has another side. The child must know that his action does not make him clearly bad. An action may be bad, but not a person! You should never speculate on such concepts as I love - I don’t love. “Get out of here, I don’t love you THAT much!” Naturally, next time the child will want to embellish himself in order to earn the love of his mother or father.

Most children's lies stem from a desire to prove significant people: "I'm good". A schoolboy who lied about losing his diary is afraid not only of his parents’ anger, but also of being accused of worthlessness. “I was an excellent student at your age!” - Grandfather shouts. And the child feels guilty! And lying here turns out to be simply a way of psychological defense.

Teach him to cope with defeat. Many children cheat out of fear of failure. Tell your child how you yourself cope with problems and defeats, so that he can learn this too. Offer an alternative to deception - admitting and correcting your mistakes.

Don't want your child to lie? Be honest yourself!

If parents want to teach their child to tell the truth, then they themselves must first of all:

• Always keep your word. If in some case you cannot fulfill your promise, explain to your child why you cannot fulfill it and apologize.
• If this turns out to be the case, then you yourself lied to the child, explain what caused the lie and be sure to admit the fact of deception.
• Do not expect children to immediately begin to distinguish between the concepts of “white lies” and more serious deception.
• Encourage your child to tell the truth, especially when telling the truth is difficult.
• Do not impose many rules on your child and do not expect much from him, remember: more rules mean more chances that they can be broken by the child, and more often the child will resort to deception as a means of avoiding punishment.
• Tell your child that you love him even when he lies and that he is a good child, despite the fact that he lied.

If you suddenly discover that a child has lied to you, you should not immediately scream or swear at the child. In such cases, there is nothing better than a calm and reasonable conversation without raised tones. After all, if you start yelling at a child, then most likely you can achieve the opposite: he will begin to deceive even more, just to avoid your censure and punishment. In case of deception, do not pretend that you believed it, but calmly explain that your child is making up things, and this is obvious. Your children's fantasies are not deception as such. After all, children themselves are born into this world as pure as a white sheet of paper. The blots and crooked slope of the letters are up to you. If you see that a child has begun to use lies for his own benefit, that is, for selfish purposes, you should think about it. This means there is a gap in your relationship with your child. Analyze the situation and try to find out the reasons for the lies. The child simply won’t lie; the circumstances force him to do so. And if the parent does not fall into “angry curses”, but treats the child with understanding and tenderness, positive result will be obvious.

Deception cannot be completely eradicated; you can simply explain to the child: “what is good and what is bad.” In this case, the example of the parents themselves is very important. Therefore, before asking your child to answer phone call phrase - “mom is not at home”, think about the consequences. Don't forget to talk to your children about this topic more often. Tell them different stories about yourself, your parents and ask questions. The answers will show how the child would act in such a situation. Also help children learn “polite lies.” Exactly when you don’t have to tell the truth. For example, your child is given a gift. He doesn’t like the thing, and he says: “I didn’t want such a toy,” thereby offending the person who gave it. In such a situation, you should say thank you and hold back your emotions.

What to do?

Understand the reason for the lie and analyze it. Think about how you can change the situation and what needs to be changed in yourself (parents, child) to solve this problem.

Children's lies at any age cause a lot of trouble for parents. discomfort. Only often, they do not understand that, without noticing it, they are pushing the child onto the path of lies.

How to stop a child from lying? First you need to understand the reasons. Why is he doing this? What goal does he want to achieve? And only then begin to act.

Flight of fancy

Sometimes parents call their child’s wild imagination a lie. Because he exists so much in an imaginary world that he often confuses it with reality. And this scares the family.

Example. The girl can play with imaginary toys and dolls. Not to be confused with an imaginary girlfriend! The boy shows his parents an imaginary fight with a dragon, and he doesn’t even have a stick in his hands.

Instead of playing along, parents sharply pull the child back - don’t lie! And the child stops fantasizing, or, in the adults’ understanding, lying.

Solution. This is the most harmless type of children's lies. Don't focus your attention on it. Direct your offspring's wild imagination in a useful direction. Draw, write fairy tales, do any kind of creativity. And at the same time, explain to your child that instead of telling stories to everyone we know, we will write a story together. Or let's draw the plot of his fantasy.

Fear of punishment

When parents constantly pull at a child, punish, threaten, then he begins to lie. Just out of fear of getting a scolding from them. Often adults do not notice how they tyrannize their offspring. And they call it education. The kid stops trusting, begins to dodge, lie, even if he is caught red-handed.

Example. A child broke an expensive vase. To my mother’s question: “Who did this?” replies: “It’s a cat.” Moreover, there were never any animals in the house.

Taking a chocolate bar without asking and with a smeared face, with manic persistence he denies what he has done. He will stand his ground, in the hope that he will avoid another portion of abuse.

Solution. Stop scolding your child. Even when he did something bad, do not punish him, but explain why it is bad. And this needs to be done as early as possible. That is, your moral teachings will be useless to a teenager if from a very young age you punish him without explanation.

Try to regain his trust. For your offspring, you must be, first of all, a friend, and only then a mother. Who is also a housekeeper.

Hidden Emotions

Of course, each parent wants to see their child always cheerful, cheerful and cheerful. Only now he is also a man, albeit still small. He gets tired, sad, angry just like adults.

Example. The mother took the boy from kindergarten and is dragging him home by the hand. The kid doesn’t want to go and whines: “I’m tired!” To which the parent replies: “How could you be tired, you played in kindergarten all day. Stop whining!”

The little one falls silent and smiles strainedly. And then he stops telling his parents the truth. If the situation is not changed now, then in the future, even with the most terrible problems, he will tell his parents that everything is fine with him.

Exit. Never limit your child's expression of emotions. Of course, if this does not contradict the specific situation. Inappropriate squealing in a store with an orderly tone of “kupiiii!” doesn't count. Do not pester when the baby wants to be sad or is tired. To others opportune moments let him speak out, if necessary, help him find the words. How earlier baby will get used to sharing his little troubles with you, the easier it will be for you to find mutual language when he becomes a teenager.

Child's love and actor parents

How often does my mother shake her head theatrically and lament: “Ay-ay-ay! How you upset me! Then he deliberately grabs his heart and looks for valerian. What did the child do? Nothing out of the ordinary. Everything is within the normal range of a developed baby. Only now mommy doesn’t have enough desire to calm the naughty child in a different way. So she organizes mini-performances. It’s good that at least not in front of strangers.

Situation. Guests have arrived, the little one is excited, begins to chase, rage, and stops obeying. After the strangers leave, the mother acts out her signature “deep fainting” from frustration at her offspring’s behavior.

Next time the child will simply lie to her. That he behaved well, that he obeyed his grandmother, that he did not fight with his sister. After all, you can’t upset your beloved mother! Look how bad she is doing.

Way out of the problem. Stop making picturesque scenes for your child. Children under 12 years of age are extremely impressionable. Your concert can have a negative impact on the child’s psyche. In the future, he will lie not only to you, but also to his relatives, classmates, and significant other. And all just so as not to upset.

Complexes

Some parents do not fully understand that their child is just learning. At the slightest failure, instead of support, they criticize and set other children as an example. The child begins to consider himself inferior. His self-esteem decreases. And the banal lies begin in order to look better in the eyes of others.

Situation. The baby spent some time with his grandparents. Upon his return, he describes his exploits in vivid colors and good behavior. After a conversation with the grandmother, the mother finds out that her son told the same fantastic incidents when visiting. And he behaved disgustingly.

Solution to the problem. Never compare your baby with others. He should always be sure that for you he is the most unique and beautiful. Even when he behaves badly or lies. Stop criticizing your child, even if deservedly so. A neat debriefing in calm tones, and now the baby himself strives to be better than others. After all, mommy is so proud of him, which means he really needs to live up to it, and not invent stellar stories.

Inattention

The most incomprehensible type of lie, which cannot even be called a lie. More like an embellishment. But justified from the child's point of view. In the frantic pace of modern life, parents pay too little attention to their child. Even in the evening, when the whole family is at home, he is left to his own devices. There is no time to play or talk with him; household chores are running out.

Example. The little one starts to lie. Not just for you, but for those around you. From a conversation with a teacher or educator, you will learn about your wonderful family and supposedly wonderful successes. And at the same time, complaints about bad behavior are received, conflicts with peers begin. Imaginary living friends appear.

Way out of the problem. The child is missing parental attention. Spend more time together. If you have problems at home, solve them together. When you wash the dishes, let your child wipe them. He doesn’t want to wipe it off, let him just stay nearby. Discuss his past day, ask about his successes. Afterwards, play together and read. A child under 7 years old does not need much.

As for a teenager, it’s more complicated. One mother, in order to find a common language with her son, had to learn to play his favorite computer shooting game. But there was a topic for general conversation. Further more. The woman did not like the music her child listened to. But for the sake of her son, she honestly read the band’s biography and listened to several of its hits. Mom did not love this musical direction anymore, but when she started a conversation with her son on this topic, you should have seen his eyes! And now they do household chores together, while simultaneously discussing new equipment in a shooting game or an unsuccessful new video clip.

What about conflicts? They stopped. As soon as the son stopped bragging about his “beautiful” imaginary family on every corner, his peers stopped bullying him. After all, before that they only laughed at him, and he got angry.

And the need to lie disappeared by itself. For what? If the mother already pays enough attention to the child. By the way, enough is not only feeding, clothing, and shoes. This is also moral attention, equal communication and the absence of omissions and hidden grievances.

1. Before you reproach your offspring for lying, look at yourself. The ideal model of parental behavior to follow is not always the right example. How many times have you lied to your child? Even the smallest deception will never escape attention little man. And if you can lie, then why can’t he?
2. You may not be able to establish lost psychological contact with your child on the first try. Don't give up, try again and again. Just don’t break down or swear if the child continues to lie. Show him your love time after time. Talk about her. Explain that now you are a little upset after learning about his lies, but you still love him. And again try to establish contact.
3. Offer your offspring your solution to his problems. Let him know that he will always find support and participation in you. If your baby starts sharing his fears or successes with you, then you are doing everything right.
4. Don’t force a promise from your child to never lie again. And even more so, do not threaten with punishment and all heavenly punishments. Pressure on pity is also a dirty trick. Remember how, when he was still little, he snuggled up to you and felt sorry for his mother’s bo-bo? This pity of love for you will make him lie even more. And the promise to stop should be made on the initiative of the child himself and nothing more!
5. As you know, crime is better prevented. Start young. Watch appropriate cartoons with your baby, read fairy tales, and make up stories for him. Teach to tell the truth from childhood. And at the same time, teach them to remain tactfully silent so as not to offend. After all, you didn’t lie, you simply remained silent. Just be sure to write down the moments when you can do this and when you can’t.

How to stop a child from lying? Gain his trust, give your attention and support. Love your child. At any age and mood.

Video: what to do if a child is lying

And what do you mean by deception? Is it possible to draw a clear line between children's fantasies and real lies? And why in some cases do adults think that deception is bad, while in others they themselves encourage children not to tell the truth in order to be tactful and not offend others? Therefore, before accusing a child of dishonesty, you need to figure out: what is actually behind such behavior? There may be several reasons.

1. THEY LEAD US AS AN EXAMPLE. You cannot demand from children what the parents themselves do not do. So if you've noticed lately your child often lies, analyze your own behavior. Maybe the grandmother, trying to calm the baby down, scares him with Babai, who will come and take him away if the child does not fall asleep right away or does not start eating porridge? Or did you promise to give your son the coveted computer by the end of the quarter, and then for some completely objective reasons you were unable to do this, but the child perceived this as a deception? And it happens that we deliberately embellish events in order to protect the child (“Uncle Styopa always helps those who are in trouble”) or leave things unsaid (“Let’s not tell grandma that dad is sick”), or we deceive so as not to offend those around (“Very tasty pie!”). If the world that adults present to a child is very different from reality, sooner or later this will become obvious to him. On the one hand, children will become more critical of the words of their own parents. On the other hand, they will begin to use this tactic themselves.
There is also this type of deception: conditioned by the norms of decency accepted in society. From early childhood we teach a child to be polite and tactful. Receive gifts with joy. Even if you don't like the gift. Praise the treat... How to do it? Parents will have to look golden mean and each time, together with the child, decide where it is worth being completely frank and where not.

2. YOUR LOVE AND ATTENTION IS NOT ENOUGH FOR THEM. For modern parents There is often not enough time to be alone with the child. And if there is such time, then it is spent on checking lessons or “educational moments.” The child needs to know that he is loved, appreciated, and proud of him. And, if parents show approval only when they hear about their child’s achievements, it is not surprising that the child will try to exaggerate these achievements. By and large, he creates the image that parents would like to see!
Anxious and insecure children often believe that they are not good enough to be loved for who they are. So the child puts a lot of effort into looking better. He cheats so that parents, educators, and teachers think well of him. Childishly, he simply lies, attributing to himself the merits and achievements of others.
He is afraid that the lie will be revealed, and he can no longer stop: losing the love of those around him is even more terrible for him.
There is only one piece of advice here: if you want to raise a person who is internally satisfied with himself, then remember, you just need to love the child, regardless of his shortcomings and failures. Only the unconditional love of parents helps children move confidently through life, set realistic goals and achieve them.

3. THEY WANT TO GET SOME BENEFIT. Lying for the sake of gain or some kind of pleasure is exactly the type of untruth that should immediately alert parents. “I have already done all my homework. Let’s go to the cinema, you promised!” If possible, such behavior should be stopped at the very beginning, making it clear to the child that it will not bring the desired benefit. Under no circumstances should one turn a blind eye to such a lie, justifying the act by saying that the child is still too small. If the baby was able to trick you around his finger (or at least tried), he, of course, will be able to understand that this should not be done. How to react if you notice something like this?
● Don't hush up what happened. Don’t reduce what happened to a joke, don’t ignore the fact of the lie. This action must be discussed calmly with the child.
● Give your child the opportunity to confess himself. Do not arrange an interrogation with bias, which will help catch the child in a lie. On the contrary, it is better to structure the conversation in such a way that the child can talk about what happened and admit his guilt.
● It is very important that the child, having deceived, cannot benefit from the fruits of deception. For example, if after visiting the cinema it turns out that the homework was not actually done, then it would be quite logical to cancel entertainment program next weekend.
● Show how others feel as a result of being deceived. Mom was upset. Dad was offended. And how would the child himself feel if his parents deceived him? Of course, you shouldn’t cultivate a sense of guilt in a child, but you need to voice your feelings.

4. THEY ARE AFRAID. The reasons for fear can be varied. Children are afraid of being rejected, punished, misunderstood. Adults behave in exactly the same way: afraid to tell the truth in person, we begin to come up with excuses, do not speak openly with loved ones, or hush up some events. Often parents begin to struggle with the child’s lies, but in fact, they first need to find out its cause - fear.
The best thing a parent can do in this case is to try to restore trust in the relationship with the child, become a friend and help in the fight against feelings. Then there will be no reason to cheat.

5. THEY BRAG AWAY. Bragging about non-existent achievements, as a rule, appears when kids are chronically unsuccessful in what is of great value to their parents. Children become victims of adult vanity.
They are simply unable to justify the money spent, and at the same time their parental expectations. So the child begins to invent successes for himself.
If you are faced with boasting, the purpose of which is to change the attitude of others, first of all you should think: are you giving enough warmth and care to your child? Do you demand too high a price for your love in the form of constant achievements?
Also, for a child who often brags, it will be very helpful to find an area where he will actually succeed and be able to outperform his friends. Honestly and without deception.

6. THEY MANIPULATE YOU. Manipulation is the control of other people's actions, feelings, and desires. Such management implies not only open influence on the “object”, but also distortion of the real state of affairs in order to achieve desired result. A child can manipulate the feelings of loved ones (fear, pride, admiration) in order to attract attention to himself or even cause remorse. As a result of this behavior, he can achieve quite expected actions from his parents.
At school, such children can arouse the envy of their classmates by describing the countless wealth of their family, or, conversely, complain about their fate and unbearable living conditions. The main goal in this case is to attract attention (at least for a short time), to evoke admiration, respect or compassion.
For the same reason, imaginary childhood illnesses arise. Knowing that no explanations or requests will help achieve what he wants, the child begins to pretend to be sick: “My throat hurts!”, “I hit myself so hard that I can’t walk!” And mom immediately becomes more flexible and easily allows her not to do her homework or eat sweets.
There are also much more serious situations when the need for the sake of which a child manipulates his parents becomes the desire to save the family. Children who notice that their parents stop arguing during their illness may actually become seriously ill! Formally, this is the same manipulation. But think about it: is it easy for the baby?

7. THEY ARE FANTASYING. Fantasies and lies can be very difficult to separate from each other, so it will take maximum parental patience and intuition to understand where one ends and the other begins. Psychologists believe that up to the age of seven, it can be difficult for a child to distinguish between events that happen in reality and those that are fictitious. Meanwhile, it is important and necessary for a child to fantasize. Firstly, he gets a lot of pleasure from his inventions. Sometimes he “hides” from undeserved insults and indifference of others. With the help of fantasies he can express his experiences and problems. Finally, in a fictional world, a child can afford anything - unlike real life.

What are children afraid of when they cheat?
● PUNISHMENTS FOR THE ACTION COMMITTED. Parental screams, long lectures, prohibitions, deprivation of long-awaited gifts or entertainment - all this can frighten a child much more than you think. Therefore, never exaggerate the child’s guilt. It’s good if you can determine together what punishment would be fair for a certain offense. Often what frightens a child the most is uncertainty.
And, if he knows for sure that, having received a bad mark, he must correct it within a week, his fear will recede.
● LOSE THE LOVE AND RESPECT OF PARENTS AND FRIENDS. IN
In this case, the child is trying his best to seem better, trying to make an impression. If problems arise in communicating with peers, then, in order to increase his status, the child may not only lie or take credit for other people’s merits, but also do something bad in order to earn the admiration of his friends.
● BE MISUNDERSTANDING. Sometimes it’s easier for a teenager
deceive, how to reach adults and explain your feelings,
worries and needs.
PHOTO: LEGION MEDIA