The claim seems to say: “I know better than you how you need to act in this situation,” or: “You should do as I said, because I think this way and not otherwise,” “Feel and wish as I do.” I think it’s necessary.”
In this case, it does not matter at all how the person to whom this is addressed thinks or believes. You have to do as you are told, and that’s it. Thus, the victim is prohibited from deciding on his own how and what to do, how to live and how to act, how to relate to everything and what to feel.
Moreover, at the moment when a claim is made, its author is absolutely and sincerely confident that he is right and that it is very easy to fulfill the requirements: “After all, it doesn’t cost him anything (I only need a little bit... do it this way, and not otherwise, and that’s all),” and believes that he is ready for a compromise. However, the very fact of a strict requirement excludes compromise.
The most interesting thing is that in the relationship in question there are no clear-cut attackers and victims. The roles are constantly changing places. Today she nags him for not receiving his salary on time (he received little, spent half, etc.). And tomorrow he scolds her for staying with a friend while her husband needed to be fed and appeased.
It happens that in a relationship she or he is psychologically stronger. Then the strongest inevitably begins to put pressure with its leadership and authority. The weak withdraw into themselves (otherwise you won’t last in such a relationship). Abstracts, silently fulfills (or does not fulfill) the demands of the other half. From the outside it may seem that everything worked out in the family in a successful way. A couple in this state can even live safely into old age. But none of them will ever experience real, complete happiness...
In my relationships, I took the position: if a person wants to be close to me, he must fulfill my desires, correspond to me. Otherwise, how can you be with me? This, as a rule, resulted in many claims that followed from ideas about how must behave my beloved man.
“I feel bad, but he didn’t feel sorry for me,” “He didn’t earn enough money,” “He didn’t congratulate me on the holiday,” etc. The complaints, naturally, were mutual. The complaints resulted in quarrels that I wanted to reduce or make less painful. And it was a “natural” process of building relationships. And sometimes thoughts came: “Maybe this is not my person?” As it turned out in practice, the versions of what was happening did not reflect the main thing.
How can you blame a person for not wanting to pay attention to you right here and now? It means imposing oneself. Is it fair to complain to your loved one that he wanted to chat with friends? This means telling him with whom, how and when to spend time! In this case, it is considered that my understanding is more important than his understanding. Why did it happen?
Why does the person to whom the demand is addressed, as a rule, refuse to fulfill it? Yes, because claims and demands violate inviolable personal space! Who likes it when everything is decided for him and dictated how he should live! Who will agree, at the request (even of a loved one), to constantly go against himself, to act as He (She) decided, to think as He (She) decided?
I also remember that feeling of “harmfulness” that arises every time something is categorically demanded of us. It seems that out of principle you will not do anything, because you are not accepted for who you are... Remember at least one person who likes claims? There is no such! So why did someone decide that their loved one might like the claims and perceive them as a natural, normal course of events? Any uncompromising demand entails conflict!
And if you don’t want complaints directed at you, learn not to direct them at others. And then either you will change your environment (to one that does not make impossible demands), or the environment will change its attitude towards you.
The absence of pretensions is realized through the ability to accept oneself and others as they are. What is it and how is adoption implemented in practice? I'll tell you later.
Argument. Illustrative photo.
Is it possible to turn criticism to your advantage? Can. If you use one magic formula that will neutralize any claim.
From time to time we all have to listen to complaints - from loved ones, colleagues, clients, partners and just random people. We react to them differently: depending on our character, age, temperament, upbringing, writes cluber.com.ua.
It happens that the feeling of resentment literally overwhelms us. What to do in such a situation? Is it possible to turn criticism to your advantage? Can. If you use one magic formula that will neutralize any claim.
This magic formula was described by psychologist Marina Melia in her book “Success is a Personal Matter.” It sounds like this: “yes - but - let's...”.
Step one. Let's say: “Yes!”
When we hear a claim addressed to us, no matter in what form it may appear, we must, first of all, cope with the first emotional reaction and recognize the other person’s right to this claim, to his own opinion. From our experience, we know that deciding to make a claim is not so easy. If the other one gathered his courage and told us what he doesn’t like, it means that he is committed to dialogue and takes us personally and the prospects for our cooperation seriously. There is much more frankness and interest in this behavior than in silence and praise. After all, someone who doesn’t care about us and our problems will not understand them, but will rather formally praise or simply remain silent. And the desire to “work on mistakes,” on the contrary, speaks of a caring attitude towards what we do and towards ourselves.
Therefore, it is worth taking the expressed negativity seriously, showing a willingness to listen and discuss. You can even take the side of the other, agree with him: “Yes, this is an important issue.” After all, when a person makes a claim, he expects to receive a rebuff - such is our nature. But when, instead of tense resistance, he hears “thank you,” he finds himself in a state of “positive confusion.” The anxiety and tension that he had at the time of presenting the claim go away, and the opportunity appears to conduct a calm, thorough dialogue - to the point.
Let's say we are reproached for the poor work of our subordinates. What can be said in this case? “It’s a pity that you are dissatisfied with the work of our employees. Thank you for reporting this, this is very important to me,” - thereby we make it clear that we have heard the other, accept his dissatisfaction as a fact and show that we are interested in further clarification of the situation.
At the same time, our interest should not be ostentatious. The same words, but with a different psychological overtone - when we actually do not allow any claims against us, but only formally agree with them and pronounce the correct phrases - can even be perceived as mockery.
Step two. "But…"
When we understand the other's opinion, it's time to turn to our own. Claims do not always coincide with our understanding of the situation. Therefore, it is important to express your position, provide arguments and counterarguments. But this should be objective information, and not an attempt to justify oneself. This way our interlocutor will see that we are trying to understand what happened: “Yes, I understand, you had to wait. But according to the approved regulations, filling out this document requires some time. This is a mandatory requirement that we must comply with...” In fact, people are ready to accept many “overlaps” and “inconsistencies” if the reasons for what happened are respectfully explained to them and important facts are brought up for discussion. This will allow someone else to take a fresh look at the situation and take our opinion into account.
Our “but” helps us not to slip into the “whatever you want” position. Even recognizing the right of another to make a claim, we are not obliged to “drag the donkey on ourselves” if we believe that this is not necessary.
Step three. "Let's…"
When we have listened to the claim and expressed our reasoned position, it is important to “come to a common denominator” and try to make a joint decision. In order for a person to understand that we are “on the same side of the barricades,” we need to make specific, constructive suggestions: “If it is convenient for you, our employees will inform you in advance about what documents you need to prepare...”
If we respond to a complaint in the following sequence: “Yes - but - let’s...”, then negative feedback works for us and helps us not only learn a lot of useful things and adjust something in our work, but also improve our relationship with another person.
Right to make mistakes
It is clear that listening to complaints is not easy, and even more difficult is doing it to your advantage. Some people perceive even a minor complaint as a reason to break off relations; any negativity in their direction is an insult. But the more developed a person is, the more he allows the most different opinions about yourself and your activities. He understands that he may be wrong. By recognizing the right to make mistakes, we do not waste energy hiding them from ourselves and others. And the less we are afraid of making mistakes, the less stress we experience, the greater our chances of success. If we are open to possible criticism of ourselves, then we expand the circle useful information and the circle of people from whom it comes, and therefore their opportunities to move on and develop.
1. “If a woman does not take everything to heart, she behaves less emotionally and becomes more attractive to a man. This behavior promotes calm and normal development relationships. For example, a man must go to work. This doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend time with a woman. He just can't. Therefore, if a woman allows a man to live his life without worrying, the man will feel that she means a lot to him.”
2. “I like women who are more silent. Then the man doesn't know what they are thinking about. They look confident, real masters of their own lives and emotions. You always want to have a person next to you who thinks first and speaks later.”
3. “Some women are always on guard, and this behavior indicates their lack of self-confidence. One woman became unpleasant to me even before I had time to invite her somewhere. She was so concerned about keeping herself safe that she told me everything she hated the first time. telephone conversation. She unloaded on me everything that happened during her relationship with another guy. We had never met before, and she was already sure that I was the same. I haven't broken a single rule traffic, and she has already sentenced me to death. Naturally, I lost all desire to make a date with her!”
4. “I was dating a woman who immediately began interrogating me. I had the impression that she was literally turning me inside out. Of course I didn't like it. And who would like it if he is forced to pay for the sins of others?
5. “I dated a woman who loved to talk. She could talk endlessly. We fell asleep while talking, and when I woke up, she was still talking. I realized that she simply could not shut up without telling me everything that happened to her.”
6. “One woman I dated was very insecure. She had to be assured of literally everything. She was worried about her relationships with her family, with friends, and at work. During sex, she told me: “Do you know what happened at my work today?” And one phrase from her immediately brought down my mood.”
7. “Conversation is part of communication, but not its main part. Women talk too much about feelings. They talk about them so much that they don't seem to experience them at all. We need to find a middle ground."
8. “One woman was always trying to change me. She tried to get me to talk more about my feelings. Listen, but I can sort out my problems myself!”
9. “When someone tries to force me to open up, but I don’t want it myself, you can’t get words out of me with pincers. I close myself off even more. I don't need a woman to help me."
10. “A man is happy when a woman allows him to meet with friends and doesn’t go crazy because of it. It's like getting tickets to a hockey game at the last minute. If a woman is okay with me canceling a meeting with her, I begin to respect her. I understand that she can do without me, but she wants to make me happy.”
11. “I had a girlfriend who talked so much that I could even go into the next room, and she would still continue to talk. One day I went to the bathroom to be alone for a while, but she continued to talk to me through the closed door. I think she's a little out of her mind."
12. “When a guy talks about something, it doesn’t last more than thirty seconds. But a woman can talk endlessly. What seems quite trivial to a man, a woman perceives as a world tragedy. You try to help her and say, “Honey, don’t take this so personally.” But your words only make things worse, because she begins to consider you insensitive.”
13. “I think that a silent woman is much more attractive than a talkative woman because she looks mysterious. There's no point in talking incessantly. In communication, quality is important, not quantity. If a woman is uncomfortable or anxious, a man should feel it without further ado.”
14. “One woman wanted to always be with me. She tried to change my pastime. But every man should have personal time for himself. She wanted me to do something I didn't want to do. She knew that I was not interested in art and should not have forced me to go to exhibitions and museums.
If a guy treats a woman well, but doesn't write poetry or buy stupid cards expressing his feelings, the woman should accept him for who he is."
15. “I understand when a woman wants to change the situation in the house. But when she tries to change me, I get annoyed. I want a woman to live her own life and not waste her energy trying to control my life.”
Claims in relationships
What do complaints in relationships lead to? What to do if there are complaints?
Complaints don't lead to anything good, that's for sure. But seriously speaking, claims are not always justified, and their expression, even if not competently, leads to devastation, destruction of relationships and dissatisfaction with life.
A complaint is a human behavior that expresses dissatisfaction with either a person's behavior, some aspect of a person, or a situation. A claim is always an accusation of disappointed hopes, unfulfilled plans, deceived dreams. Claims, as a rule, are taken where a person had expectations.
A person is designed in such a way that if he has high expectations, or a relationship begins, then people show their best sides, and they try not to mention the problematic aspects.
In relationships, women have more complaints than men, and in work, men have more complaints about employers, or about some situation at work or business. If we take the relationship between a man and a woman, then girls or women tend to delude themselves, invent a prince for themselves, invent qualities that a person does not have. The woman came up with ideas, and then begins to live with them and realizes that not everything is as cloudless and wonderful as she imagined, and now she doesn’t know what to do with her fantasies.
Or there is another case when our adult women or younger girls love to play the game “I will re-educate you.” I have the impression that they choose people for their husbands or boyfriends so that they can disassemble the material and then put it together again. But they don’t take into account the small detail that not all the material is disassembled, that it also kicks, and even if you take it apart, it may not form again, because it either doesn’t want to, or the gene pool won’t go anywhere, or it’s in it was not included in the plans. That’s why it turns out that the story about “I’ll re-educate you” turns into constant struggle and dissatisfaction.
As the reason for the complaints - “I lost my rose-colored glasses and see the whole reality, I deceived myself, or I thought that I would change you, but I did not take into account the fact that people do not change, and you are not going to change.” This is the essence of claims when someone allegedly deceived someone. In fact, people are deceiving themselves.
What is the claim? How do we express our dissatisfaction with someone, something or behavior?
Some may realize that they are expressing their dissatisfaction in quite a colorful way! This is expressed in the tone in which a woman speaks to her husband, or to the person who has fallen under her displeasure. This is expressed, among other things, by a raised eyebrow, a withering look, a look full of contempt.
The words with which the statement of a claim begins are “yes, you are forever”, “yes you are all the time”, “that’s what I thought...”, etc.
A claim can be expressed in words, and in how these words are presented and how these words are spoken.
Dissatisfaction is dangerous because, if you look at the root of discontent between a man and a woman, why did a person even allow himself to invent you, to invent a situation, why did he not bother to analyze this situation well, analyze, feel, sort it out, why did he allow himself to be deceived or he was deceived himself, why he thought that he would change you - as a rule, this root will lead us to the relationship of a woman with her parents, and a man with his.
And what will we find there? And we will find a similar pretentious attitude of parents towards each other, and parents towards the child. A child, born into a particular family, chooses lottery ticket, someone gets a jackpot, rolls around like cheese in butter, the main thing is that it is for his benefit, and for someone the prize is of moderate size, and for someone there are solid crosses and everything is in the wrong place.
Very often parents put their child in a situation where he must or obliged to do what they say. Must, must to be what his parents imagined him to be. The child should not contradict them, the child should not look like a “hateful mother-in-law, father-in-law”, the child should look like a passionately loving parent, otherwise the parent has a “mistake” in his head, and in general, “where did you come from?” ?”, and “Why do I need you if you don’t look like me?”, “Who are you anyway, why are you even, I wanted a toy, I wanted an extension of myself!”
Therefore, a person encounters claims very often; he encounters them already from the cradle. Moreover, some guys have already one year old child they manage to pour in complaints, accusations of an unhappy life or something else. Then the child grows into an adult, but the unfulfilled need for normal contact with parents remains. Girls who have problems with their fathers are constantly looking for a substitute father. They marry guys because they are strong, because they are caring, they gave gifts, which dad never did. Girls marry such guys because their childish, wounded part of the soul has been warmed up a little, pampered a little, and the girl thinks that “he meets all my desires,” and then it turns out that this part has already been satisfied, and completely different tasks are on the way. , and she understands that this person is not at all suitable for these tasks, that he is some kind of infantile, a reveler, and simply does not connect with her soul values. And a lot of questions arise, one of which is “Why did I marry you?” And you married him to compensate for the lack of relationship with your father.
Or they find “replacement” dads who are 10-20 years older, and then they wonder why life doesn’t work out with this “dad.” And all because he fulfilled his “fatherly” task. This occurs among those who had a substitute motive or one compensating for some shortcoming of a wounded childhood, and the likelihood of claims in a relationship with a person is much higher.
This also applies to guys, if they had no contact with their father, or their mother was always pretentious, or sick, or something else, the boy is also looking for a wife based on the same behavior: to compensate for something, to continue to be mama's boy, the desire to take a break from my mother’s claims, but I run into the same spouse and everything continues. This is a whole separate topic about how we get married and how we make choices in relationships. We will also talk about it in articles and courses.
If we talk about complaints, about dissatisfaction, then I can say that very often this dissatisfaction speaks of disappointment, or a desire to redo it, or some need that needs to be compensated. Claims are quite a “scary” thing. And it’s a “terrible” thing, because it destroys a lot. It destroys because a claim is rather a derogatory mechanical construction that makes the person being addressed lose his importance, his value, his significance in relation to another person. It's also from the application area.
You didn't take out the trash again! You always don't take out the trash! How much can we talk about this!
- And you ask me if I want to take out the garbage, or under what conditions I will take out the garbage, how to make me remember about this garbage. So, do you really want me to take out the trash? Well, yes, this garbage is costing you your life. Or we will agree once and for all that you take out the trash, and I bring the money into the house!
The situation of claims is always out of a desire to blame and express one’s “fi,” instead of talk, clarify, create some space for dialogue, understanding, sort it out, get to the bottom of it. Therefore, a claim destroys the significance of a person; when you make a claim, you make some kind of attack on the person’s personality, on his status, on his respect, that is, you level his significance. You are encroaching on a certain peace, on the adequacy of a person.
The second point is that a claim is always made from the premise that the person you are talking about simply owes some kind of behavior, service, or something else. A claim is always the position of “everyone owes me” or “in particular, you owe me a lot.”
I will repeat once again, a claim is always about mechanics, it is always not about understanding and the nature of relationships, it is always about some kind of action or use. This is always some kind of mechanical moment, which may indicate that you no longer see a person in a person, you see a robot or some kind of multi-device machine that is obliged to do this and that, and preferably with a smile, preferably fun and at any time of the day.
Based on the above logic, we can ask the following two questions:
1. What should you do when you feel the heavy hand of claims on your throat?
2. How can you stop yourself if you suddenly realize that you are generating a claim?
Let's start with ourselves. To stop yourself when you begin to express a complaint, it is very important to behave consciously, to be aware what you say and how you say it. If your intonation begins to be aggressive, or plaintive, or punitive, if you begin to use the words “must”, “should”, “offended”, then if you want to tear a person to smithereens, hurt him, you need to ask yourself a question " Do I want to continue this or do I want to stop? In order to stop, it is enough to look thoughtfully, take a breath and stop.
If you are a woman, you can playfully say, “Oh, something has gone wrong with me, why am I in a fight,” and if you are a man, you can say, “Sorry, why am I in a fight, something doesn’t suit me and I need to think about it.” This is an example of how to stop yourself.
The first is to be aware, the second is to take it and stop it. In this case, you can use the form, pronouncing your feelings and actions. I think that people will understand you, moreover, they can learn from you, they will see that it is beautiful and truly worthy. And this is honest and careful, especially if you are in contact, you will be able to stop yourself in the process. As a rule, people cannot stop themselves, and they prefer to finish to the end, just so as not to lose face, just so as not to seem weak.
As long as we are full of claims, our life does not belong to us, but to those to whom they are directed. Devastation, dependence and lack of freedom are the faithful companions of a person with pretensions. By presenting dissatisfaction with the demand to change towards other people or ourselves, we strive to improve and improve what is. The message seems noble, but at what cost: we give our vital energy to bring others to a new level of development. The result is that we have no energy for ourselves, for the implementation of our plans, dreams, health, youth, beauty. We are emptying ourselves:
- Claims destroy relationships. Claims against other people are our chains, ropes, and our lack of freedom from them.
- Claims block money.
- Claims destroy careers and achievements.
- Claims literally burn a person out from the inside.
Imagine that the Universe is like the sun. The sun shines all the time, pouring its life-giving energy onto us in an inexhaustible stream. We feel the action of the sun when we face it, but if we turn away, we will no longer receive its life-giving rays.
The universe works just like the sun. She is always there and always available, pouring grace upon us. When we have claims, complain, blame, criticize, feel resentment (everyone owes me) and irritation, jealousy or any other negative emotion, we turn away from all blessings.
Claims are a hole in our vessel through which our energy comes out.
The goal is to realize and heal the part of yourself that hides behind claims and demands.
What are complaints against people? For example, we say or think about other people:
- my boss is greedy - he doesn’t pay me enough;
- my friend is a slob, doesn’t know how to dress...;
- my son is a quitter;
- my husband earns little;
- I have terrible legs, figure, clothes...
It is impossible to list the complaints; there are millions of them on any topic and with varying degrees of negativity towards another person.
Claims are disagreement with what exists, denial, accusation. These are the things we don't like about other people and ourselves. And this is always a demand to change, to improve.
The expression of claims is always emotionally charged: anger, irritation, resentment, disappointment, hatred, powerlessness, etc.
Claims mechanism
- Removing responsibility from oneself and shifting it to others.
By making complaints, we automatically find ourselves in the sweet position of the victim.
The claims mechanism simplifies a lot. I'm good - they're bad. So let them change. If they don’t, I’ll be offended... But if you take offense for a long time and about a lot of things, then after a while you can find yourself beautiful, living in a bad and offensive world among bad people. And if you don’t be offended, then questions will arise mostly to yourself. And then you can feel that you are not the smartest, not the most right and not the most beautiful in the world, but at the same time live among good people and not in the worst of all possible worlds. And then the focus of our attention turns to ourselves, inside ourselves.
We ourselves turn our lives into drama and tragedy. We benefit from the role of victim, sufferer!
A victim is a person who always tends to create problems, suffering, injustice for himself... Such a person dramatizes everything too much; The slightest incident takes on gigantic proportions for her. If, for example, the husband did not call his wife and did not say that he would come home late, she assumes the worst and does not understand why he did not call and made her suffer so much.
It is very important to realize all these benefits in order to stop being a victim of circumstances, difficult life, bad people and men/women:
- When we are victims, we want people to perceive us as weak and not demand anything from us. We want to receive attention from others and gain support.
- When we complain to someone, we want to be singled out and treated with sympathy. The victim lacks recognition and love. It seems to her that if they feel sorry for her, it means they love her. Without her "misfortunes" she is afraid of losing attention. There is no demand for what to expect from the victim, one can only feel sorry for him.
- This is a great excuse for failure. They are to blame, he, she, but not me. I'm good and they're bad. This is a great self-deception. You must know the truth: if you feel bad, then it’s definitely not others’ fault. This happens in your life. This means that for some reason this is “beneficial” for you, and you most likely do not realize these benefits. As a rule, the victim does not need solutions, she needs suffering. "It is easier to suffer than to resolve. Misfortune is easier to bear than happiness"(B. Hellinger).
- Sacrifice is never selfless. When we sacrifice our lives for our husband or children, we don't really want to see them grow up, free and independent. We would rather do everything ourselves, but tie them to ourselves in the hope that then we will never be left alone. Loneliness scares us. But can an adult be afraid of loneliness? Loneliness scares a child.
We switch to the lives of other people, because we don’t know what to do with our lives, we dissolve in the lives of other people. After all, you need to be responsible for your life, to prove your worth. It’s much easier to say: “I spent my life on them, on him, so I didn’t do anything with mine, I didn’t achieve anything, I was left alone.” It’s scary to take care of your own life, so women switch to children and husbands. But this is a thankless task, since they never asked you for this. Women do this for themselves, filling the vacuum of their unfulfillment. And then they blame their loved ones for the ingratitude.
An immature personality tries to control other people. Behind the sacrifice lies a huge distrust of life, as well as control and childhood fears. And often the role of the victim is a cover from these emotions.
Leave your family alone and take care of yourself, stop controlling everyone and everything. There is no need to save anyone from suffering, especially a man, even if he really feels bad. Believe in him that he can handle it on his own and leave him alone. It is very difficult. Look at yours own life. What is missing from it? Stop worrying about other people's affairs and take care of yourself. “If you feel resentful or lonely, you are involved in other people's affairs. Mentally living in someone else's life, you are not present in your own” (Katie Byron).
- I created this myself! (for example, your problem with another person). I can’t, I don’t know how, I haven’t been taught - this is the point of choice.
Not “I was deceived,” but “I let myself be deceived, I didn’t understand it properly.” Not “I was provoked,” but “I allowed myself to be provoked” or “succumbed to provocation.” Not “I was angry,” but “I was angry.” Not “I am being used”, but “I allow myself to be used”...
It is my responsibility to move on from what hurts me. I am responsible for protecting myself from those who would harm me. I am responsible for paying attention to what happens to me and evaluating my part in what is happening.
- How did I create this? (cause->effect) Everything in the Universe is closely interconnected and nothing random can appear in our path. Everything that happens to us has its own reason. To understand it, you need to ask yourself questions:
- What actions or inactions of mine led to the problem?
- What hidden reasons in me constantly reproduce the same patterns of behavior, force me to step on the same rake?
- Why did I create this? (What is the meaning, lesson, experience, benefit for me? What aspect of myself do I still need to realize, heal thanks to this experience?).
"God allows us to be tested for a reason. If He doesn't change our circumstances, then He wants to change us!"(Bert Helinger).
Being responsible means recognizing that you are the cause or source of something (such as your problems). For example, if you take responsibility for your life, it means that you accept that all the decisions you have made or not made have led you to exactly where you are now. This means that the key to fixing the problem lies in changing some aspect of your personality. You must realize that you need to change something within yourself, and this, in turn, will change the external problem.
- The root of our claims is broken boundaries - our own and others!
Personal boundaries are the ability to say no and hear no in response. This is an attempt to restore justice, based on the belief that one is right.
When you give more than you receive, complaints always arise against the one with whom an unequal give-and-take exchange has been established. This is especially true for women - to sacrifice themselves and adapt to the desires and needs of their partner. But at some point a claim arises as an overcorrection - and the woman issues a bill and demands payment or leaves her partner offended: “I have nothing more to give you - you didn’t appreciate me...” She feels injustice: she gave and gave, but what in return?
Many of us first betray ourselves, and then we get offended and take revenge on those who do the same to us... (does not respect our lies, betrays, disappoints). Living in constant betrayal of one's needs, dreams, needs gives rise to claims, resentment, irritation, resentment towards others or, even stronger, self-hatred (for not being able to say “no”).
An example, as Joy Gray writes in her bestseller “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” if a man, seeing his partner upset because of his intention to hide in a cave and feeling guilty for this, betrays his nature - he will remain outside and try to console his beloved (when he himself feels bad), he becomes either irritable, overly touchy, demanding, with a lot of claims, or passive, weak, lying... And neither he nor his partner realize what made him like that.
In fact, it is a refusal to defend one's own self-respect, needs, space. Which also corrupts those who are close to us!
Only by respecting yourself can you gain the respect of others. Only by respecting your own lies can you treat other people’s lies with respect and reverence.
Where is the way out?
- We recognize ourselves as the author of our unhealthy lies. We take 100% responsibility for how we treat them ourselves. We do not choose to suffer, be offended, blame ourselves or others for the fact that we ourselves cannot say “no”. Let's be honest and sincere with ourselves. A person who loves himself respects his personality, respects his personal boundaries, desires and needs. He respects the freedom to make his own decisions, the freedom to live the way he wants. And that means others too!
- It is we who set the boundaries of our own giving. It is important that it does not develop into sacrifice and self-denial. The solution is simple: give as much as you don’t mind and with a clear understanding of why you are doing this. Give not for thanks, but simply because you have it and don’t mind. It is important for a woman to clearly define the boundaries of what she is ready to give to her partner without feelings of irritation and resentment.
When we decide to do something with another person - something important like sex, or something less important like a walk in the square (or maybe as important as a walk in the square, and as insignificant as sex), we must realize that this is a voluntary decision, intended as a joint action with another person, but not “for” him, but “with” him. And that this decision is autonomous and depends on our free choice. That I don’t do anything for the sake of another and therefore he doesn’t owe me anything. That he doesn’t do anything for me and therefore I don’t owe him anything. That we just do some things together. And we are glad about it.
When we stop sacrificing ourselves, trying to become comfortable, necessary good for others, we stop demanding this from others!
Claims are a hidden request for support, disguised as an unwillingness to ask. And then the unspoken request becomes a demand to repay the debt and restore the violated fairness of the exchange
“The house is always such a mess!” = "Please help me clean up!"
"Do not you love me anymore!" = "I'm not feeling well today. I feel very insecure. Please tell me or show me that you love me!"
Usually we put into our relationships what we need and want to receive ourselves. Few people realize that a partner's needs and desires may differ significantly from our own. We express love in our native love language, which may be completely foreign to our partner. We invest and invest, but in the end we are both dissatisfied and each has accumulated a whole bunch of grievances.
The important thing is not to give my partner more and more of what is important to me, but to give him what he himself needs. A classic example: a man needs trust and acceptance for who he is, and a woman needs support, care, and protection. As a result, the man, instead of being supported by faith in him and his ability to cope with the problem himself, receives a bunch of advice, valuable instructions, or even worse - the woman takes it upon herself and begins to solve his problems. And instead of care and protection, a woman receives a man’s non-interference and his trust that she can handle everything herself. Solution: ask for what you need, don’t wait for your partner to figure it out.
This is the peculiarity of women - to give (anticipating the needs of their partner) until they lose their pulse, and when there is nothing more to give, they raise an invoice and demand that their partner guess what they need (where is my fur coat? Diamonds?). But men, unlike women, make efforts when they are asked to do so.
"Why should I ask him for something? After everything I've done for him?" But making claims against another because he does not guess our desires is an empty matter. A woman must learn that the fulfillment of her desires is her responsibility.
Another person is disgusted not by the very fact of our need, which we ask him to satisfy, but by the form of its expression - demand, claim, resentment!
- Ingratitude.
Letting go of pretensions is a state of gratitude.
An unhappy person is, first of all, ungrateful. He is always dissatisfied, everything is not enough for him.
We are used to:
- Taking everything for granted, for granted (when a partner has done something for us once, twice, three times, then on the fourth we simply begin to expect it from him and are offended if he refuses to give us something that we do not value and for what We don’t feel sincere gratitude).
- We very often devalue what we have in order to achieve even more... Our entire Western civilization is built on exactly this! There is a constant sublimation of our desires: new goods, services... - in order to sell all this, a context of eternal insufficiency and dissatisfaction is implanted. Self-pretension is self-criticism with the goal of becoming perfection. But the ideal is dead. Life is beautiful in its “imperfection”.
- It is impossible to bring more joy into our own lives if we are not grateful for what we have. Because the thoughts and feelings that we emit when we experience sensations opposite to gratitude attract even more into our lives that we don’t want to thank.
Ask yourself, why do I benefit from not forgiving myself or someone/something in my life? And suddenly you discover that it turns out that you cannot forgive:
- This easy way to get something, a kind of manipulation;
- these can be false personal boundaries when you protect yourself from people in this way;
- this way you can protect yourself from pain or betrayal;
- this is a way to attract more attention, care, support, love;
- it can be a source of development or growth, a certain motivator, etc.
- this is a way of gaining life experience, wisdom;
- it is a way of life built on the pleasure of ritualized suffering over the experience...
And then you will see that all claims and grievances were created by you, for you and your safety. And then you will see what you have been hiding behind blaming yourself and others. And then you will be able to make a free choice - to continue to carry the burden of claims and grievances or to go through life lightly. The choice is yours!
