The role of a man in the family has changed noticeably, and in many homes it is reduced only to the function of the breadwinner. After daily labors, a characteristic “plop” is heard in the area of the sofa. Everyone: dad is tired. What lies behind such alienation? A lot, and the desire to relax is not in the first place...
Father stereotypes
Dads have many good “reasons” to avoid communicating with their children. Some are afraid of children because they simply do not know how to communicate with them. This gap can be filled with the help of pedagogical and psychological literature and communication with other unlucky or challenging dads.
Alas, not everyone makes such attempts. Because of laziness, fear of failure, or the widespread stereotype that it is indecent for men to love children. The father is assigned only the role of an inseminating bull and a miner of banknotes. Adherents of this misconception strive to pretend to be respectable. They are afraid of looking funny and do not allow themselves to relax to play with their children.
But, if a father’s ability to become a child for a while generally benefits his children, then actively being stuck in childhood (infantilism) does not in any way contribute to the emotional rapprochement between father and heir. Infantilism is manifested in the fact that a man is jealous of his child’s wife, competing with him for her attention.
Mom's mistakes
However, the experience of psychologists shows that authoritarian wives are often to blame for a father’s indifference to a child.
Typically. Remember: how many times did you prevent your husband from severely punishing a capricious person who committed a crime by standing up for him? It is not surprising that a man ceases to be interested in parenting, citing workload and fatigue.
Logical. Even if you do not agree with your husband's opinion, try not to cancel his decisions. Return to this issue in a calmer environment, alone.
Typically. Usually fathers are “called upon” only for “dirty work”, when they need to pick up a product of the leather industry and punish their offspring with it. Thus, wives make a scarecrow out of their father. “If you don’t listen, I’ll tell dad everything!” - the mother threatens the naughty baby, freeing herself from the unpleasant mission of the punisher. The father, in turn, gladly takes on this function: this is a truly masculine occupation, and we will educate him and increase his authority (the father believes). But in fact, after a “harmonious” interaction, the father is perceived only as a source of punishment, often unfair.
Logical. There is no need to call your father specifically for punishment. Punish yourself for offenses committed in your presence, so that the child does not perceive dad as a professional executor.
Typically. Be careful with irony. Children cannot always grasp its shades, but they can easily adopt the habit of laughing at their father.
Logical. When criticizing children, do not say phrases like: “Everything like daddy,” and do not complain about your husband in the presence of children, because they always want to see him as a hero, and your rash statements make them suffer.
Great. With your actions you can add a little shine to the head of the family. For example, don’t miss an opportunity to say: “I’ll ask dad” or “Only dad can know that.” More often in front of your children, thank your husband for purchases, gifts, and attention. And also tell them about the youthful actions of the future father, because in the eyes of a son or daughter they have a heroic aura.
The importance of being
Oddly enough, a man solves several important psychological problems by his mere presence in the house.
According to statistics, Fear of the outside world is one of the main sources of neuroses in modern children. The father is strong man, ready to help. The mother cannot fully cope with this role, since something else is inherent in the female subconscious: not to fight, but to create a comfortable state. So the father, by his very presence, gives the children a feeling of security.
No one has canceled the pack instinct, which means that subconsciously we want to have a “leader” - the main, unquestioned authority. The strongest argument in a children's dispute is often the words: “That's what my dad said!”
They say that a girl doesn’t really need a father, they say, she learns to be feminine by imitating her mother. But for whom is the mother trying? First of all, for the father. Boys involuntarily imitate their parents, latently understanding how important it is to be courageous and clearly understand the consequences of their actions. This science is not comprehended by them adolescence, as many people think, but at 4-6 years old.
By belittling or underestimating the role of the father, women prevent children from realizing their need for authority. However, the child will look for it at any cost. But where will he go in his search: to a dubious company? It's better to raise it a little from the very beginning own father than to deal with an uncontrollable teenager later.
Test: Bad or good father
To look at your husband through the eyes of a child and compare his opinion with yours, answer these questions in turn: first yourself, then the baby. For each positive answer, one point is awarded.
1. Does your child like to spend time with his father?
2. Does he tell his friends about dad?
3. Do your children like to go for walks and visit with him?
4. Is there an activity that they especially like to do with dad?
5. Do you think that the child is proud of his father?
6. Have you noticed that your children like it when their father teaches them something?
7. Does dad talk to children about their affairs and friends?
8. Does the father often praise the child?
9. Does your child like to cuddle with dad?
10. Do you think that your husband is too strict with the child?
11. Do your children often get offended by their father?
12. Does dad pay attention to appearance child?
13. Do you think that a father wants to be an example to his children?
Key to the test
If the difference between the points scored in the two tests does not exceed 4: you feel the child’s mood well, and you have no contradictions with him in relation to the father.
If you scored 4 or more points more: your husband means little to your baby. This result is a reason to think: how does the child relate to his mother?
Your child scored 4 or more points higher: you underestimate the degree of the child’s attachment to his father. Maybe your husband has some positive qualities that you don’t notice?
Vasya Kasatkina
Good day! I am in despair, I thought that this would pass, but I can’t get out of this (it’s already a year old, the child is 1.3). The fact is that I don’t feel anything for the child, I have a feeling that he not mine, his crying irritates me. He obviously feels it and has completely moved away from me, doesn’t come up, but looks offended. I’m more interested in watching TV or surfing social networks. I don’t understand what he wants, how to play with him. Although I read a lot of articles about games and development. But he is not interested in me, when I start playing with him, he cries. Sometimes he comes up to me and I don't pay attention. I don’t know, maybe it’s because of guilt, there was a case when he fell due to my fault, fell out of the stroller and then 2 times from the sofa. And he’s sick now. I didn’t save him. I constantly heard from my mother that I was doing everything wrong, then I fed her wrong, then she told me that I shouldn’t do it at all. breastfeed, milk is poison to me. And once my mother hit me in front of the baby. My mother and I constantly quarrel in front of him. My baby doesn’t sleep and doesn’t eat well, constantly screams and doesn’t listen. I’m raising him alone, his father abandoned us. I'm just in despair, I'm losing my baby. he joyfully runs to his grandparents, but not to me. I understand that I’m to blame, I don’t know what to do
Hello Elena, your phrase from the letter:
he happily runs to his grandparents, but not to me
says that you have little Love in your soul. You have not learned to love yourself, perhaps this feeling was not enough in relation to you in your childhood and this is confirmed by your relationship with your mother.
You have the conviction that you are doing everything badly - raising, feeding, thinking, acting, and so on. If a person is constantly told that he is worthless, that all his endeavors are doomed to failure, he has no choice but to do everything badly.
You have a lot of feelings of guilt, now this is mainly connected with your baby (this is due to feelings of guilt, there was a case when he fell due to my fault, fell out of the stroller and then 2 times from the sofa. And he is now sick. I didn’t save him).
Your mother always tells you about your shortcomings, that everything about you is bad, in relation to your own son, you look like some kind of monster. And it is precisely this feeling of guilt and constant criticism that on a subconscious level forces you to stay away from your son. You keep your distance from him so as not to do something wrong again and thereby not attract another mother’s displeasure. Why is this so important for you - because, despite all your mother’s screams, swearing and reproaches, you... Love and continue to expect words of approval and warmth from her. Now your child has become a stumbling block between you and your mother, you think that it was with his appearance that you began to hear even more negative remarks from your mother and thus you yourself already perceive the child as something negative for yourself.
That’s why he reaches out to his grandparents, runs towards them, because there is Love there and he feels it.
From you comes coldness and alienation, for example, fear and, unfortunately, he also feels this from you.
You now have a choice - or you become the same mother for your son as your mother is for you and only give him your negative attention (coldness, reproaches, annoyance, condemnation and dissatisfaction with everything)
or you finally understand that this is your child and he, just like you in your childhood, and even now, needs your Self-Love and that you can give it if you begin to fill your emptiness in your soul a feeling of self-Love through praise for some of your achievements. For the fact that you live, breathe, look and have already been able to give birth to a baby and therefore have become a mother, for the fact that you wrote your letter to the site and this also indicates that not everything suits you and you are ready for change. To all your mother’s comments and criticism, always mentally say “Stop” and immediately find them opposite beliefs of positive content about yourself.
For example, a mother says that you are not looking after your child well, immediately say mentally (or out loud) “Stop, I cancel, I cancel, I cancel” and mentally remember what you are doing well for the child, this could be the words “I Love him” , it could be, "I prepared it for him tasty dish"and so on. The main thing is that you actually do this and step by step you can change your attitude towards both yourself and your son. You should take responsibility for your life and the life of your child and take the position of an Adult person.
While you are in the position of a Child, whom everyone scolds and everyone is unhappy with him, you perceive your son as a rival, as the cause of all your troubles, because he is also a child and you behave the same way as him. Think and analyze everything that I wrote to you and I hope you can understand that the reason is not even in your mother, but in you, in your lack of acceptance of yourself and in your childhood behavior until today in a state of resentment and lack of Love. I recommend finding the opportunity to live separately from your mother with your son, and attending at least a couple of consultations with a psychologist from your city, so that you can understand all your mistakes and work through many of your childhood psychological traumas. Best wishes.
Bekezhanova Botagoz Iskrakyzy, psychologist of Astana
Good answer 4 Bad answer 2Recently, the problem of indifference, especially the indifference of parents to children, has become increasingly relevant. The reason for this is that it is expanding in scope and becoming more and more sophisticated, causing harm not only to physical well-being, but also. The most difficult for social assessment and control can be considered psychological violence, which is often disguised by the process of education. Parental indifference can rightfully be classified as a type of psychological violence.
Indifference is a category that has not been sufficiently studied in. Based on domestic and foreign research, we considered indifference as a lack of emotional sensitivity in relation to the current needs and experiences of another person, combined with a refusal to help him in a critical situation.
The purpose of our research is to determine the role of indifference in the aggressive behavior of parents towards children. The study involved 30 parents of second grade students from one of the secondary schools. The sample was represented mainly by mothers aged 25 to 40 years.
To solve the research problems, special methodological tools were developed and selected aimed at identifying the indifference of parents to the needs of the child, as well as their tendency to aggression and hostility towards children.
When studying the understanding of the child’s problems and sensitivity to his needs, it was possible to establish that the parents participating in the study are distinguished by a rational attitude towards their own children. Parents' understanding of the child's needs and experiences prevails over sensitivity to his needs.
The parents we surveyed are not inclined to consciously use physical violence as an educational tool. The majority of parents assess their children's experiences during punishment as negative. They perceive the situation of punishment as a suppressive personality. However, parents often experience negative emotions towards their child and manifest them in the form of irritability and verbal aggression. If parents are annoyed by their child’s behavior, they tend to use verbal aggression as an emotional release. And the more they punish the child, the more irritated they become and scream.
It is important that parents who punish a child remain indifferent to his experiences and the consequences of his punishment. Parental incompetence leads to indifference, expressed in insufficient understanding of the motives of behavior and emotional experiences child. The opposite should also be taken into account: the more parents experience indifference, the more often they resort to physical punishment and even more pronounced parental incompetence.
The results of factor analysis showed the relationship between the manifestations of aggression of parents, their tendency to indifference as a lack of understanding of the psychological characteristics of their child and the reasons for his behavior.
The “goodwill” factor suggests that what more harmonious personality parents, the less aggressive and prone they are to violence against the child. Such parents are more prone to worry if they punish their child.
The factor of “parental indifference” reflects the insensitivity of parents to the experiences and needs of their children. Parental orientation towards self-affirmation and recognition prevails. By punishing children, some parents primarily satisfy the need for self-affirmation. The factor “parental psychological protection” shows that parents accept their child and enjoy communicating with him mainly when they buy him some things. They believe that by doing so they satisfy his needs.
As our research has shown, parents with high level indifference are characterized by reduced empathy. They do not enjoy communicating with the child, do not feel or understand his needs. At the same time, they themselves need physical and mental comfort. Parents with low levels of indifference are focused on other people. They are empathic and open in communication. They are characterized by high sensitivity to children's needs.
Thus, it should be recognized that the study of indifference seems to be an important and pressing problem, since insensitivity to the needs of the child can become a risk factor for maladaptive behavior in children.
Posokhova S. T., Fomenko S. V.
Rejection of children by parents
This is one of the basic reasons for aggression, and by the way, not only in children. Statistics confirm this fact: attacks of aggressiveness often appear in unwanted children. Some parents are not ready to have a child, but it is undesirable to have an abortion for medical reasons, and the child is still born. Although his parents may not tell him directly that he was not expected or wanted, he is well aware of this, since he “reads” information from their gestures and intonation. Such children try by any means to prove that they have the right to exist, that they are good. They try to win the much-needed parental love and, as a rule, do it quite aggressively.
Destruction emotional connections in family
The destruction of positive emotional ties both between parents and child, and between the parents themselves, can lead to increased aggressiveness of a child. When spouses coexist constant quarrels, life in their family resembles life on a dormant volcano, the eruption of which can be expected at any moment. Life in such a family becomes a real test for a child. Especially if parents use it as an argument in a dispute among themselves. Often, to the best of his ability, the child tries to reconcile the parents, but as a result, he himself may fall under the hot hand.
In the end, the child either lives in constant tension, suffering from instability in the home and conflict between the two people closest to him, or he becomes hard-hearted and gains experience in using the situation for his own purposes in order to extract as much benefit from it as possible for himself. Often such children grow up to be excellent manipulators, believing that the whole world owes them. Accordingly, any situation in which they themselves must do something for the world or sacrifice something is perceived with hostility by them and causes sharp manifestations aggressive behavior.
Disrespect for the child's personality
Aggressive reactions can be caused by incorrect and tactless criticism, offensive and humiliating remarks - in general, by everything that can awaken not only anger, but also outright rage in an adult, not to mention a child. Disrespect for a child's personality and disdain expressed publicly gives rise to deep and serious complexes in him, causes self-doubt and self-doubt.
Excessive control or complete lack of it
Excessive control over a child’s behavior (overprotection) and his own excessive control over himself is no less harmful than the complete absence of it (hypoprotection). Suppressed anger, like a genie in a bottle, is bound to burst out at some point. And its consequences, from the point of view of an outside observer, will be the more terrible and inadequate the longer it accumulates.
One of the reasons for aggression that is suppressed for the time being is the cruel nature of the mother or father. Cruel-hearted, overly domineering parents strive to control their child in everything, suppressing his will, not allowing any manifestation of his personal initiative and not giving him the opportunity to be himself. They evoke fear in the child rather than love. It is especially dangerous if moral isolation, deprivation of a child, is practiced as punishment. parental love. The result of such upbringing will be aggressive behavior of the “oppressed” child aimed at others (children and adults). His aggression is a veiled protest against the existing state of affairs, the child’s rejection of a situation of subordination, an expression of disagreement with prohibitions. The child tries to protect himself, to defend his “I”, and he chooses attack as a form of defense. He looks at the world warily, does not trust it and defends himself even when no one even thinks of attacking him.
Personal negative experience
An aggressive reaction may be associated with the child’s personal characteristics, his character and temperament, or provoked by facts personal experience child.
Lesha is a boy from complex family. The father drinks and periodically becomes violent. The mother is in irritation and eternal fear. Both parents communicate with their son mainly through shouts and slaps. On the first day of his stay in younger group kindergarten Lesha hit another child. It would seem completely unmotivated: he approached him with the best intentions, and was just about to hug his new friend when he unexpectedly received a strong blow. How could he know that for Lesha, a hand raised next to his face meant a threat?
Since similar cases were repeated several times, the teacher tried to find out more about Lesha’s life in the family. The hope that for the sake of their son the parents would change their attitude towards the child and each other did not come true. Therefore, the teachers had to help the child day after day to make sure that the kindergarten did not pose a threat to him, and that he was surrounded by friends there. It’s sad, but now this child happily runs to kindergarten and goes home with tears. He became less aggressive thanks to the combined efforts of his teachers and psychologist. But the fact that he is forced to simultaneously live in two polar worlds does not contribute to the formation of a stable psyche and is quite capable of leading the child to neurosis.
A similar story happened with Misha, a boy from a quite prosperous family, where, however, no one engaged in assault, but they kept him, as they say, “with a tight rein.” At home, all he heard from all sides was: “you can’t”, “don’t do it”, “not like that”. His parents’ constant complaints about his stupidity and expressed fears that “nothing good would come of him” did not instill self-confidence either. Misha was developed child, and everything would be fine if he had not been born into a family where his mother and grandfather are doctors of science, and his father and grandmother are candidates. They all sincerely tried to raise a “worthy successor to traditions” and therefore made excessive demands on the child. As a result, at home the boy “walked to the line,” but “at full blast"" had a blast" in kindergarten: contradicted adults, threw and broke toys, fought. Fortunately, his loved ones reacted very sensibly to the conversation with the psychologist, managed to change their attitudes, and soon Misha’s outbursts of aggressive behavior subsided, so now, unlike Leshina, we can be calm about his future fate.
Dissatisfaction with yourself
Another reason for aggressiveness is dissatisfaction with oneself. Often this is not caused by objective reasons, but by the lack of emotional encouragement from parents, which leads to the fact that children do not learn to love themselves. It is vitally important for a child (as well as for an adult) to be loved not for something, but simply for the very fact of existence - unmotivated. The most severe punishment does not cause such irreparable harm to a child as the lack of self-love and encouragement. If a child does not love himself, considers himself unworthy of love, then he does not love others either. And therefore, an aggressive attitude towards the world on his part is quite logical.
Increased irritability
Personal characteristics such as increased irritability, a persistent tendency to be offended even by seemingly neutral statements and actions of other people can also be provocateurs of aggressiveness. A touchy and irritable child may pull the chair out from under another child who accidentally took the place he wanted to sit on. A child’s refusal to eat lunch can be considered a manifestation of passive aggression if “his” place is taken while they are sitting down to eat. If in the general hustle and bustle of a children's group (for example, when all the children are getting dressed for a walk at the same time), someone pushes such a child, he may receive a furious blow in response. Children with such a personality characteristic tend to see intentional harm to themselves in all random incidents, and blame anyone and anything for all negative actions, including their own, but not themselves. Such a child is never to blame for anything. Anyone but him.
Guilt
Oddly enough, those children who have an active conscience can also show increased aggressiveness. Why? Because they feel guilt and shame towards those they have wronged or harmed. Since both of these feelings are quite unpleasant and do not bring joy, they are often redirected in adults towards those for whom they feel these feelings. So is it any wonder if a child experiences anger and aggression towards the one he offended? An excessive guilt complex leads him into fear and depression, from where he is not far from committing suicide.
To learn to cope with situations of guilt, to learn to take responsibility, he will need time and our help and support. And most importantly, our example. If children see that we are able to cope with such situations with dignity, then it will be easier for them to go through the by no means easy lessons that life offers.
Situational reasons
Food influence
A child's aggressiveness may be due to nutrition. There has been a proven relationship between increased anxiety, nervousness and aggressiveness and chocolate consumption. Research is being conducted abroad studying the relationship between the consumption of chips, hamburgers, sweet carbonated water and increased aggressiveness. Numerous studies have proven the influence of cholesterol contained in the blood on a person’s aggressiveness (including aggression itself). Thus, low cholesterol levels were observed in the blood of the majority of suicides and those who attempted suicide. Low cholesterol leads to passive aggressiveness. So you shouldn’t overly limit your children’s fat intake, everything needs to be done in moderation, and the body is often wiser than us.
Accentuation of character
Accentuation refers to individual character traits that stand out in a person above the average level. For example, a person with a pedantic accentuation of character will strive for perfection in performing any task, be it a government task or washing dishes after dinner. Before leaving, he will check several times whether he has turned off the electricity, whether he has locked the front door, etc., etc. Accentuation is in no way a pathology. If a person experiences neuropsychic stress that affects this enhanced character trait, he becomes overly vulnerable. Modern research It has been proven that the greatest aggressiveness is inherent in children with cycloid, epileptoid and labile character accentuations. Let's decipher the terms:
- "lability"- this is an incredible speed of nervous processes, a tendency to frequent changes of emotions and impulsiveness of actions;
- "cycloid" means a tendency to sudden changes in mood depending on the external situation;
- "epileptoid" implies insufficient controllability, pedantry and conflict, a tendency to “get stuck” in a situation.
A child with labile accentuation of character will be in constant search of new experiences and will be easily influenced by others. He does not have his own independent view of things. He does not know how to think independently, much less plan actions. On the contrary, he tends to act on the impulse of the moment, thoughtlessly and sometimes completely recklessly. Such a child will prefer to obey rather than lead; he will never be a leader in games with peers. He is gullible and takes everything he is told at face value. If you note that your child is extremely trusting, prone to impulsive actions on the spur of the moment, is easily influenced by anyone nearby, is unable to evaluate his actions, and produces violent but short-lived and superficial emotional reactions, there is a high probability that he has a labile personality disorder. accentuation of character. Such a child may show aggressiveness out of fear, succumbing to the influence of another person, or out of a desire not to stand out from his group, to be like everyone else.
The parents of five-year-old Misha throw up their hands in complete bewilderment about their son's behavior. In kindergarten, Misha and his three friends, who were the leaders of the group, amused themselves while walking by crushing worms and beetles, and then began throwing stones at a passing kitten. The teacher told the parents about this. Of course, the parents were upset. Misha easily agreed that he behaved badly, and that under no circumstances should he offend defenseless animals. Mom and dad breathed a sigh of relief: the child understood everything, now everything will be fine. The next day, the guys tried to hang a pigeon they had caught with a broken wing and got into a fight with the children who were preventing them from carrying out their exciting plan. Misha again acted exactly like his friends. And at home I again completely sincerely agreed with my parents that they had acted badly. The problem is that the greatest influence on such a child is exerted by those who are nearby at a given moment in time. Misha himself is not aggressive, but he is simply not able to act contrary to the company.
Cycloid accentuation of character is distinguished by a change in periods Have a good mood periods of despondency and depression. Either violent joy, or no less violent sadness, constant emotional swings - from one extreme to another. If your child is prone to sudden mood swings depending on the situation, or his mood and state of mind often change for no apparent reason, he probably has cycloid accentuation of character. The child’s behavior in this case is unpredictable and often contradictory. At the same time, the child cannot achieve emotional balance, which irritates him and predisposes him to manifestations of aggression.
The parents of seven-year-old Marina are fully familiar with this phenomenon. Sunday morning it started out great: they took a walk with their daughter in the autumn park, collected beautiful leaves and were already walking home when a car passing by splashed them all with water from a puddle. Marina burst into tears and could not calm down until she got home. At home, grandma quickly cleaned the soiled raincoat, and Marina and her mother began to make up autumn bouquet. Extremely beautiful bouquet placed on a wide dining table. Marina, satisfied and happy, decided to draw a bouquet. A quarter of an hour later, the brushes and paints were scattered around the room, and the sheet with the drawing was crumpled and thrown into the far corner. Marina sobbed inconsolably, huddled in the closet, saying that she couldn’t draw at all and she couldn’t do anything. When the crumpled sheet was straightened out, it turned out that the bouquet was drawn very well, but Marina didn’t like it for some reason. It is difficult for the family of such a child: mood swings can occur five to six times a day.
Epileptoid accentuation of character initially implies an extreme degree of irritability and an inability to at least somewhat restrain one’s emotions. In this case, we can no longer talk about aggressive manifestations, but about real aggression. Children with epileptoid accentuation of character from early childhood cannot tolerate criticism and are intolerant of the opinions of others. They are absolutely sure that only they can be right. And therefore, any opinion different from one’s own is met with hostility. They are incredibly hot-tempered, under the influence of anger they swear, scream loudly, squeal, spit, bite and fight. At the same time, they have absolutely no control over their actions. In kindergarten and school they are characterized as impulsive and conflict-ridden children. They are difficult to control because they do not obey their elders; under the influence of impulse they tend to run away from home.
Six-year-old Alina often gets angry. Her parents and kindergarten teachers were under the impression that she was deliberately looking for a reason to be offended. One day, when Alina took her cup and put it on a tray with dirty dishes, the teacher praised her for her help, saying: “Well done, Alina!” In response, Alina unexpectedly exploded: she burst into tears, screaming loudly: “Not well done! Not well done!” When they tried to hug her and calm her down, she broke free, overturned chairs, kicked a toy car that got in the way and retired to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her with a bang.
Similar situations happened at home. In the summer, at the dacha, grandma let Alina and her friends go for a walk in the park. When the friends returned some time later, Alina was not with them. The girl was found late in the evening three kilometers from the dacha. She walked calmly along the country road. Alina explained to the frightened and perplexed adults that she had no intention of running away. It was just that it was very beautiful in the park, and behind the park fence there were cute little houses, unlike their big house in the city or their dacha, and she wanted to look at them. So she left the park towards the houses. And behind the houses there was a large field, and she became curious where it ended and what was there beyond the field. And so on. The reaction to the adults’ attempt to explain that one should not go far from home alone, since it is dangerous, because something could happen to her, Alina, was a new outburst of anger.
Socio-biological reasons
It is quite natural that boys are more likely to show active aggression than girls. According to the stereotypes existing in our society, especially strengthened over the last ten to fifteen years, a man should be rude and aggressive, in general, “cool”. Non-aggressive children at school are already perceived as a rarity. Parents have to encourage their children to fight back, because otherwise they simply will not be able to “fit in” with “male society,” in which one of the main values is the ability to stand up for oneself. Boys are often forced to show aggressiveness so as not to be “black sheep” and outcasts in a group that is significant to them, among classmates or friends in street games.
Increased aggressiveness may also be due to biological, sexual, psychological and social reasons. Often, aggressive reactions of children are caused by the attitudes, prejudices and value systems of adults who are significant to them. For example, children from families in which the attitude towards people depends on their position on the hierarchical ladder, on a kind of “table of ranks”, are able to restrain themselves when the teacher scolds them, but will be rude to the cleaning lady, cloakroom attendant or janitor. It's good when there is financial well-being in the family. But if family members measure everything by money, their children begin to disrespect anyone who earns little. This manifests itself in defiant behavior at school, in demonstrative disdain towards teachers.
Children, especially teenagers, tend to divide all people into “us” and “strangers”. Unfortunately, this often leads to outright aggression against “outsiders.” In the West, there is such a thing as teenage gangs. In our country, this phenomenon has not acquired such proportions, although once there were “combat fights” on a “yard-to-yard” scale, and even now established companies can be at enmity with each other. Children, like a sponge, are saturated with everything that can be called “family attitudes.” That is why the fact of aggressive behavior in children caused by racial prejudice or racial hostility is very alarming.
IN preschool age Some forms of aggression are typical for most children. During this period, it is not too late to avoid the transformation of aggressiveness into a stable character trait. If you miss a favorable moment, problems will arise in the further development of the child that will interfere with the full development of his personality and the disclosure of his individual potential. Children need to correct their aggressiveness because it distorts their view of reality, forcing them to see only hostility and self-disdain in the world around them.
Correction of aggressive behavior in children
When a child is born, he has only two ways of reacting - pleasure and displeasure.
When a child is full, nothing hurts, the diapers are dry - then he experiences positive emotions, which manifest themselves in the form of a smile, contented walking, calm and serene sleep.
If a child experiences discomfort for any reason, then he expresses his dissatisfaction by crying, screaming, and kicking. With age, the child begins to show his protest reactions in the form of destructive actions aimed at other people (offenders) or things valuable to them.
Aggression, to one degree or another, is inherent in every person, as it is an instinctive form of behavior, the main purpose of which is self-defense and survival in the world. But a person, unlike animals, with age learns to transform his natural aggressive instincts into socially acceptable ways of responding, i.e. In normal people, aggression is socialized.
Those same people who have not learned to control their aggressive impulses have difficulty communicating with people. In more severe cases, when aggressive behavior becomes illegal, such people are subject to criminal punishment and are isolated from society in places not so remote.
It is important to emphasize here that Adults should never suppress aggression in their children., since aggression is a necessary and natural feeling for a person. Prohibition or forceful suppression of a child’s aggressive impulses can very often lead to auto-aggression (i.e. harm to oneself) or develop into a psychosomatic disorder.
It is important for parents to teach their child not to suppress, but to control his aggression; to defend one’s rights and interests, as well as to protect oneself in a socially acceptable way, without infringing on the interests of other people or causing them harm. To do this, it is necessary, first of all, to understand the main causes of aggressive behavior.
You can select three main sources of destructive behavior:
1. feelings fear, mistrust to the outside world, threatening the safety of the child;
2. the child’s encounter with non-fulfillment of his desires, prohibitions to satisfy certain needs;
3. defending one’s personality, territory, gaining independence And independence.
By the first year of life, a child develops either a basic sense of trust in the world and people around him, a sense of security, or mistrust, fear and anxiety.
The formation of attitudes towards the world is influenced by many reasons.
First of all, this is the mental state of the mother during pregnancy and after childbirth. Let's imagine a simple example: a child is born at a time when his mother is experiencing a personal drama, is worried about her future, and, consequently, his future, and experiences despair and melancholy.
The baby, for whom there is still no division into I and not-I, is filled with the same feelings, and his first experience of interacting with the environment tells him that it is not so safe here, there is a lot of pain and unpredictability, anyone can cause harm.
In the future, this develops into distrust of everyone and everything; for him, now any manifestation from the outside can mean an attack. The fear and anxiety that a child experiences when in contact with others leads to the fact that any signal is interpreted by him as the realization of his worst fears. Aggressive outbursts in such children look very unexpected and incomprehensible.
Also, the formation of attitudes towards the world is influenced by the parents’ expression of unconditional love for their child, or the lack thereof. If the parents showed sincere love to your baby in any situation, if the child understood that, no matter what, he was loved, then he developed a feeling of trust in others.
If a child becomes convinced that he is not loved, or even hated, then he decides that things cannot get any worse and therefore becomes capable of anything. He doesn't have to worry about losing the object of his love. Why does he need someone who doesn't love him? He may become embittered, he may begin to take revenge. Many thrillers about murderous maniacs are built on this, where, delving into his past, they discover a downtrodden, despised, humiliated child.
Quarrels between adults also have a traumatic effect on the psyche of children. When mom and dad quarrel day after day, the baby has a feeling of an approaching catastrophe. Despite the fact that the family tries to avoid open scandals, and quarrels occur “behind closed doors,” little man still feels the tense atmosphere. And this is not surprising, because the adults surrounding the baby are his world, united and indivisible, the same as his mother’s cozy tummy was. Therefore any conflict situation is perceived by the child as a threat to himself.
The second reason for aggressiveness is due to the fact that adults are forced in some situations to forbid a child to behave in a certain way or to the fact that parents are not always able or willing to satisfy the endless desires of their children. It is important for parents to consider two points here.
First, they must learn to competently set prohibitions and, if necessary, apply punishment.
And secondly, it is important to remember that the main need of any child is the need to feel loved and appreciated.
If a child begins to have doubts about this, he will try in every possible way to reinforce his feeling of uselessness. Therefore, the constant whining of children to buy them something is often a provocation on their part. At the same time, the child immediately interprets the refusal of what he wants in such a way that no one loves him and no one needs him. At the same time, of course, he gets terribly angry. After all, a child loves sincerely and does not want to admit that his love is unrequited.
On the other hand, fulfilling your child’s every whim does not solve the problem, because his doubts may appear again and again, for example, when he is faced with inattention to his experiences. To prevent such distorted interactions, you should sincerely tell your child that you love him.
The third reason is setting personal boundaries. A child is born completely dependent on his parents, and his main task throughout his life is to gain independence (primarily from his parents) and independence.
Very often this process is very painful for both parties and can have dire consequences. It is important for parents to understand that their children are not their private property and they do not belong to them. The child is called to become an equal and equal human being. There are the most important periods when a child solves this problem: these are 3 years old, the beginning of school life and adolescence.
During these periods, children react especially sharply to the introduction into their lives, which is expressed in protest reactions. Wise parents must take this into account and provide the child with reasonable freedom and independence.
But at the same time, children should not feel abandoned; the child should feel that parents are always ready, if necessary, to provide support and help.
It is also desirable that the child has his own room (or at least a corner). He needs to know that his boundaries are respected and not violated without his knowledge.
The main causes of aggression in children have been sorted out.
Now we need to say a few words about how parents should behave if their children display aggressive behavior or in order to prevent such undesirable behavior. We already mentioned something above when describing the reasons.
1. Firstly, it requires parents to show unconditional love for their child in any situation. You should not allow statements like the following: “if you behave like this... then mom and dad won’t love you anymore!” You cannot insult a child or call him names. It is necessary to show dissatisfaction through action, deed, accepting the child’s personality as a whole.
If a child asks you to play with him, to give him attention, and you cannot do this at the moment, then do not brush the baby off, especially do not get annoyed with him for his importunity. It’s better to show him that you understand his request and explain why you can’t fulfill it at the moment: “Do you want me to read you a book? Baby, mommy loves you very much, but I’m so tired from work. Please play.” alone today."
And one more important point- no need to bribe your child with expensive toys, gifts, etc. For him, your immediate attention is much more important and necessary.
2. Parents, if they do not want their children to be brawlers and bullies, must themselves control their own aggressive impulses. We must always remember that children learn techniques of social interaction, first of all, by observing the behavior of the people around them (primarily their parents).
3. As already mentioned at the beginning of the work, under no circumstances should a child’s manifestation of aggression be suppressed, otherwise suppressed aggressive impulses can cause serious harm to his health. Teach him to express his hostile feelings in a socially acceptable way: in words or in drawings, modeling, or with the help of toys, or actions that are harmless to others, in sports.
Translating a child's feelings from actions into words will allow him to learn that he can talk about them, and not necessarily immediately give them to the eye. Also, the child will gradually master the language of his feelings and it will be easier for him to tell you that he is offended, upset, angry, etc., rather than trying to attract your attention with his “terrible” behavior.
The only thing that should not be abused is the confidence that an adult knows better what a little one is experiencing. An adult can only guess, based on his own experience, self-observation, and observation of others, what the child’s behavior means. The child must be an active storyteller about his inner world; the adult only sets such an opportunity and provides the means.
4. If a child is capricious, angry, screaming, throwing fists at you - hug him, hold him close to you. Gradually he will calm down and come to his senses. Over time, he will need less and less time to calm down.
In addition, such hugs perform several important functions: for a child, it means that you are able to withstand his aggression, and, therefore, his aggression can be restrained and he will not destroy what he loves; the child gradually learns the ability to restrain and can make it internal and thus control his aggression himself.
Later, when he has calmed down, you can talk to him about his feelings. But in no case should you lecture him during such a conversation, just make it clear that you are ready to listen to him when he feels bad.
5. Respect your child’s personality, consider his opinion, take his feelings seriously. Provide your child with sufficient freedom and independence for which the child will be responsible. At the same time, show him that if necessary, if he asks, you are ready to give advice or help. A child should have his own territory, his own side of life, into which adults are allowed to enter only with his consent.
The opinion of some parents that “their children should not have any secrets from them” is considered erroneous. It is not permissible to rummage through his things, read letters, eavesdrop on telephone conversations, spy on! If a child trusts you, sees you as an older friend and comrade, he will tell you everything himself, ask for advice if he considers it necessary.
6. Show your child the ultimate ineffectiveness of aggressive behavior. Explain to him that even if at the beginning he achieves a benefit for himself, for example, he takes away another child’s favorite toy, then subsequently none of the children will want to play with him, and he will remain in splendid isolation. It is unlikely that he will be seduced by such a prospect. Tell us also about such negative consequences of aggressive behavior as the inevitability of punishment, the return of evil, etc.
If you see your pre-school child hit another, approach the victim first. Raise the offended child and say: “Maxim did not mean to offend you.” Then hug him, kiss him and escort him out of the room.
Thus, you deprive your child of attention, transferring it to a playmate. Suddenly your child notices that the fun is over and he is left alone. Usually you need to repeat this 2-3 times - and the fighter will understand that aggressiveness is not in his interests.
7. It is necessary to establish social rules of behavior in a form accessible to the child. For example, “we don’t hit anyone, and no one hits us.” For children aged four years and older, the requirements may be more detailed. You might state, “We have a rule in our house: if you need a toy and another child is playing with it and won’t give it to you, wait.”
8. Don't forget to praise your child for his diligence. When children respond appropriately, do your best to reinforce those efforts. Tell them, “I like what you did.” Children respond better to praise when they see that their parents are truly happy with them.
Don't say: " Good boy" or: " good girl". Children often do not pay attention to this. It is better to say: “You gave me great pleasure when you shared with your younger brother, instead of fighting him. Now I know I can trust you to take care of him." This kind of praise means a lot to children. It makes them feel like they can make a good impression.
9. You need to talk to your child about his actions without witnesses (class, relatives, other children, etc.). In conversation, try to use fewer emotional words (shame, etc.).
10. It is necessary to exclude situations that provoke the child’s negative behavior.
11. In the fight against aggression, you can resort to fairy tale therapy. When Small child begins to show signs of aggressiveness, compose a story with him in which this child will be the main character. Using pictures cut out from magazines or photographs of the child himself, create situations in which the child behaves with dignity and deserves praise. Talk to him at a time when the child is calm and not nervous. When a child is in an emotional crisis, it is not easy to calm him down.
12. It is necessary to provide the child with the opportunity to receive emotional release in games, sports, etc. You can have a special “angry pillow” to relieve stress. If the child feels irritated, he can beat this pillow.
In conclusion, we note that it is important for parents to remember the following: aggression is not only destructive behavior that causes harm to others, leading to destructive and negative consequences, but it is also a huge force that can serve as a source of energy for more constructive purposes if you know how to manage it. And the task of parents is to teach the child to control his aggression and use it for peaceful purposes.
How to deal with an aggressive child?
Increased aggressiveness in children is one of the most pressing problems not only for doctors, teachers and psychologists, but also for society as a whole. The relevance of the topic is undeniable, since the number of children with such behavior is growing rapidly. This is caused by the summation of a number of unfavorable factors:
1. deterioration social conditions children's lives;
2. crisis family education;
3. the school’s inattention to the neuropsychic state of children;
4. increase in share pathological childbirth leaving consequences in the form of brain damage to the child.
The media, film and video also contribute their share.
Ksenia Chuzha- It’s better not to talk to your daughter than to yell at her, taking out your anger after a day of work. – This is how one prosperous mother explained to a school psychologist when the topic of inattention to her child came up. She just didn't know how it ended parental indifference.
And the consequences of such relationships in the family can be unexpected. The worst ending option is the child’s suicide. Parental indifference, especially during puberty, is perceived very acutely by children. Once feeling unnecessary, a child can “wind up” himself and decide that he has no place in this world. If we take into account the fact that the number of suicides among children in Russia is increasing every year, then this should be emphasized first.
Another sad ending to the story - behind bars. 95% of criminals did not receive enough attention from their parents in childhood. Trying to make up for the lack of attention with the help of society, a person most often follows the path of antisocial actions. This always causes a reaction. And the criminal needs everything, just not the indifference that he was tired of in his childhood.
The best option is problems in your personal life, low self-esteem and complexes.
But let's look at everything in order.
How does the child feel?
Watching how parents are busy solving only their own issues day after day, the child begins to become frustrated - to feel dissatisfaction with this situation. Frustration is directly related to aggression, stress and tears (according to psychologist Gordon Neufeld).
Consequently, this will be either an increase in aggressiveness (including auto-aggression), or a state of depression, depression, or the same indifference.
In his book Aggression: Causes, Consequences and Control, Leonard Berkowitz points out that children are more aggressive from parents who treat them coldly. If at the same time the parents have low self-esteem and inconstancy in their upbringing, then aggression over time can acquire an antisocial coloring.
Parental indifference. What are the children doing?
At the same time, the child begins to act to change the position. Not having enough life experience, he instinctively does what his character tells him.
The child believes that he himself is to blame
Many children look for the reasons for parental indifference in themselves; they are immersed in their own, not yet formed peace of mind. Children's self-esteem is not stable. The attitude of parents is very important in its formation. Most often, it is she who suffers if mom and dad are indifferent. “They don’t need me,” the child feels. - “Consequently, I am insignificant, unworthy of good things.” This sets in motion the mechanism of low self-esteem and alienation from parents. The consequences may vary.
A child may fall under the influence of more confident kids and do what they do, no matter whether it is good or bad. The main thing is that he is noticed. Or he can close himself off and direct all the negativity towards himself, thereby developing a huge number of complexes.
Child seeks attention
To change the situation, he subconsciously begins to provoke his parents to see him. Most often, provocations consist of “bad” actions, hysterics and inexplicable new habits. The child intuitively feels that it is precisely this behavior that must cause a reaction from mom and dad.
If over time the parents do not correct the mistake and begin to pay more attention to communication, then this child’s behavior becomes habitual both for him and for the environment. The label is hung, the fate is determined.
The child copies the behavior of the parents
Authority does not play a role in this. Most children whose parents did not pay enough attention to them behave the same way with their sons and daughters. And often, even if they want to be the best, they cannot realize this desire. Why?
Every person gets experience family relations in my parents' house. He transfers this experience to his family subconsciously and behaves the way his dad and mom did. For the behavior model to be different, you need to either work with a psychotherapist or observe long time behind other, more open and attentive relationships between relatives.
In addition, there are often cases when children do not want to visit or help their elderly parents, because they hold a grudge that mom and dad were indifferent to the children’s needs.
Main mistake
Some parents mistakenly believe that financial support is their main obligation to their children, and let them build their own lives, learn, make and correct mistakes. Such “will” is nothing more than indifference. It is often the cause of “childish ingratitude” in response to a well-fed, clothed, shod childhood. But without affection and proper attention, all this has no value in the eyes of a child.
- May we not go to Goa, may we not buy me a new pair of boots, and may there be no gifts for my birthday. Just so that my mother would spend more time with me. So that she doesn’t come home late and be silent. – And this is what the mother’s daughter, whom we mentioned at the beginning of the article, says.
On this occasion there is good phrase: Spend twice as much time and half as much money on your children if you want to raise them happy. Because often those parents who spend too much money on their children subconsciously try to “buy off” them - it is simply easier for them to pay than to spend part of their money on the child mental strength and time.
conclusions
But is it really that scary? parental indifference? It also depends on related factors, such as: the severity of upbringing, the consistency of parental actions and behavior, the presence of close relatives that can influence the child, the temperament, age and character of the child.
All this can aggravate or alleviate the situation. In itself, such an attitude does not always lead, for example, to antisocial behavior. But parental indifference in any case, it will leave its not very good mark on the child’s psyche.
This will introduce certain difficulties in the ability to contact people, especially close ones (future family). Therefore, we would advise parents who read these lines to communicate with their children and take an active interest in their lives. There is nothing more important for a person and his destiny than the attitude of his parents towards him in childhood. This is the foundation. And not one good house will not stand on a bad foundation. Love your children so that they see and feel your love.
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