Question for a psychologist:
I have been married for 3.5 years, I have a child for 3 years. My husband is my second man, when we started intimate relationships he asked “who was first?”, I told him about the guy I was dating, but broke up when I found out that he was lying to me and cheating on me. That guy was my first, I lost my virginity at 22, according to my husband, if I waited so long, then why didn’t I marry that guy? I answered that I didn’t love him and thought that I would love him, because he said that he loved me and I believed him. But I didn’t fall in love with him, and then I recognized him as another girl. Everything seemed to be fine, my husband found out, and then somehow by chance it came out to me in some of our conversation that my first boyfriend was in prison, after which my husband went crazy and started talking about how I had given myself to some... then to the prisoner that I am a fallen woman and if he had known all this before the wedding, he would not have married me, but now we have a child. As for the first guy, yes, he was in prison, but the story is that an acquaintance once asked him to transfer the bags, he helped, but did not know that the bags contained stolen property, the acquaintance turned out to be just an “acquaintance,” and the theft was blamed on the guy. And by the way, from the moment he left prison until we started dating, 6 years passed. I love my husband very much and I don’t understand how you can perceive it this way, I’m not a thing that he got after someone? Now my husband constantly asks about this and calls it the act of a fallen woman. At that time, at 22 years old, I had some kind of depression, it seemed to me that I could not be loved, Serious relationships I didn’t have a girlfriend, my girlfriends are already giving birth to children, but I still can’t find a guy, I really didn’t love myself and felt kind of frigid, there are scandals at home, my dad drinks, my brother is constantly on sprees, my mother cries and laments, at the institute, although everything was fine (I got a diploma with honors), but after graduation I couldn’t find a job, and then this guy appeared who called for a long time, asked for a date, asked how you were doing, how the day went, and then In general, he said that he loves. Of course, I was flattered by all this, I began to think that I could be loved, it turns out, and I simply believed him. Now I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to make excuses, and I don’t know what; Yes, I regret this action (which was without love on my part), I don’t understand why delving into the past, besides, my husband had one official marriage and one civil one, and has a child from an official one. Help, I don’t know what to do and how to explain to him or am I wrong?
Psychologist Ksenia Vadimovna Kondaurova answers the question.
Hello, dear Elena. I understand how hurt and offended you are by this attitude of your husband. Unfortunately, your husband has become a victim of so-called limiting beliefs. One of these beliefs is: “a woman is only as valuable as the few men she has had.” Even in our modern age, some men, unfortunately, adhere to this idea, creating boundaries for themselves and breaking their relationships. It's not your fault, Elena. But the fact is that you yourself regret your first sexual experience, so it’s easier for your spouse to make you feel guilty and doubt yourself. If you responded to his claim with something like: “well, yes, so what?” or “Are you seriously planning to blame me for this? Oh, don’t disgrace yourself, don’t be one of those primitive men.” Those. if you ridiculed or discounted his attacks, you would not give him the opportunity to manipulate you in this way.
Well, now the question: is your husband ready to destroy his family for the sake of his rather crazy idea, or is he pursuing some other goal, finding fault with you and saying rather cruel words about “he would never marry”? Perhaps your husband just found a reason. The reason for what - I don’t know. But you can find out this from him by leading him to straight Talk. By asking what really bothers him and what he really wants, given that you cannot change the past. If you are ready for this.
What can you do besides this to eliminate this difficult situation: forgive yourself for that first sexual experience, stop regretting it. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, it's your life and your sexual journey. You had the right to start when you wanted and with whom you wanted. The first time is rarely perfect. If you did what you did, it means you had no other option at that time. You just wanted to feel what it was like to be happy and loved. If you forgive yourself, your husband’s attacks will stop hurting you and there will no longer be any point in these claims for him.
Talk to your husband frankly, Elena. And then ask yourself, if your spouse really believes that you are “a thing that he got after someone,” are you ready to put up with such an attitude from the person with whom you are going to live your entire single and priceless life? Is this what you dreamed of, what you deserve? Unfortunately, we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. The way we treat ourselves.
We all need to understand that there are little things that disgust men. It's unavoidable.
Each of us sooner or later begins to live with a man, and does not know what to pay attention to in order to sexual attraction the man is not lost, and so as not to accidentally cause persistent disgust in the man by some of his actions. Because, unfortunately, the resulting feeling of disgust that a man associates with you will gradually nullify your sexual relationship.
So, what makes men disgusted? Let's find out!
Little things that disgust a man
Of course, all men have the most persistent disgust for any waste products of the body. Let's think about what he can easily survive, and what - under any circumstances.
It is also worth noting that he himself can ignore all the hygiene actions that he requires from you, which is what happens most often. Of course, you can know and see that his mother or sister does not particularly adhere to his standards of cleanliness either. But you must. Especially if the guy is really dear to you.
When you don’t know whether something is worth doing or not, ask if I could do it in front of a complete stranger, in the presence of my first love or some childhood idol.
Hair
The worst thing that can happen is that he finds your hair in his food. Of course, you can argue that it cannot be that he has never found hair in his food while eating food prepared by his mother or in public catering.
Mom is sacred to men, we won’t even discuss that. When he eats in public catering, he is prepared for the fact that sooner or later he will find hair there. Here he can replace the dish, write an unflattering review in the book of complaints, or he can simply take it out and continue eating as if nothing had happened.
With you it’s a different matter; it’s rare that a guy won’t take advantage of the current situation so as not to cause a huge scandal. So you don’t have to wear an apron, but please be kind enough to wear a hat when you cook. Of course, first of all, our article is for those who are just starting to live together, who have a long family history and may not even read it. You have been through a lot with your spouse, he will forgive you and not so much.
Hair in the bathroom
What man doesn't hate pulling your hair out of the bathroom? Everyone remembers the old joke that long hair for a girl it’s not only beautiful, but also a full bath of hair. Especially considering that when he starts pulling out your hair, he will pull out a lot more that has nothing to do with you.
Hair on soap
That's just terrible. Of course these short hair may well be hair from your bangs. But the guy won’t even think about it, he’ll immediately think something else and immediately throw this soap in the trash.
Note that the kitchen and bathroom are the worst places for your hair to be found. If he sees a couple of fallen hairs on his bed, he will not have any unpleasant reaction, of course, if he sleeps on this bed only with you.
It is also worth noting that very often men have the desire to pat a girl on the head, or smell her hair, or simply kiss it. It will be awkward for both you and him if you haven’t had time to wash your hair and your head is very oily.
Hair on a woman's body
Let's talk about body hair. Let's start with the worst thing, hairy armpits. Of course, many feminists and “show business” stars who imitate them, for example, Madonna, urge women not to shave their armpits. But this always causes a storm of indignation; society has long been unaccustomed to this.
Remember how the photo of Lourdes, Madonna’s daughter, who was walking on the beach with hairy armpits, spread throughout the world’s media. It looks disgusting on guys too. Anyone who has already watched the film remake of the series “Baywatch” could not help but notice how Zac Effron, the sex symbol of the 2000s, sported unshaven armpits throughout the film.
It should be remembered that hair also contributes to the fact that bacteria multiply more actively, and no matter how many times a day you take a shower and how actively you use deodorant, a guy can still hardly stand this smell.
Hair on legs
Oddly enough, the guy will normally survive if you didn’t manage to shave your legs on time. If such an embarrassment occurs, you can tell him that you want to try removing your hair with wax, for this you just need to grow a couple of millimeters.
Hair in the bikini area
Of course, many men over 40 normally perceive the lack of hair removal in the bikini area; this was the case with his first partner, for example. But you remember that everything a man sees during his first sexual experience he considers normal.
But even if you don't have deep hair removal in the bikini area, you understand that there should be no hair outside the panties. There is also another point that is not customary to talk about, especially if you are wearing a thong, you must make sure that there is not a single hair in the back.
Hair in the most unusual places
Hair in the nose and hair around the nipples. The media does not cover this topic, and many men do not even suspect that they are growing up there. Remove them regularly - and he will continue to be blissfully ignorant.
Overgrown bridge of the nose and hair from moles. This is terrible, just terrible. Of course, before removing hair from a mole, you should consult a dermatologist. Regular injuries can lead to its degeneration.
Nails
For some reason, men easily tolerate the process of a girl cutting her fingernails, but the process of her cutting her toenails almost causes a gag reflex in him. The only thing that could be worse is if the girl forgot to throw away her nails and the guy found this neat pile of trimmed nails.
Drooling
Even if literally five minutes ago you kissed a guy, you should not drink from his bottle, from his cup or eat from his plate. For some reason, guys can’t stand this, although they understand that if you cook for him, you also taste the food if you kiss in the same way. You can’t do this until the guy himself says something in the style of, yes, okay, drink, I’m not squeamish, not strangers.
Dental cavity
A lot of attention should be paid to oral hygiene. Of course, if you live with a guy, the guy will definitely notice whether you brushed your teeth before going to bed, or whether you brushed your teeth on your day off. Moreover, if he has already cleaned it himself, and you are trying to kiss him, while ignoring the visit to the bathroom. But don’t be afraid if you both just woke up, and he wants to pull you towards him and kiss you, even if you smell something, he simply won’t notice it.
After you have eaten in a cafe or restaurant, and you understand that at the end of the date he will definitely kiss you, but there is no opportunity to brush your teeth. Apply chewing gum and unobtrusively suggest to him, believe me, he often watches TV and knows about the bacteria that multiply in the oral cavity.
Shower visit
You should definitely take a shower not only when you leave the house. You also need to take a shower after cleaning the apartment, and the things you cleaned will need to be washed. Also, you definitely need a shower after you go to the toilet, because the guy read a lot in his men's magazines about how fecal bacteria gets on the body and stuff like that. What if he plans to have sex with you later?
Also, do not forget that you should take a shower before bed. Not because you sleep better later, you are hoping for sex, or you are very dirty during the day. While you sleep, the body continues to work and many unnecessary elements are released through the skin. If you shower before bed, your pores will open and your body will have more energy in the morning. nice smell. Well, this is very pleasant and will help you fall asleep before bed.
Remember, you need to shower before sex. Not at the moment when foreplay has already begun, but when you guess that it is about to happen. Believe me, it will be more pleasant for the guy to kiss you and decide on oral sex on your body. After sex, you don’t need to immediately rush to the shower; lie down for a while in your partner’s arms, otherwise the guy will think that you are unpleasant about the discharge of his body, but he is subconsciously proud of it.
Menstruation
You can especially relationships of trust ask the guy to buy you a pack of tampons or pads. But it is not advisable for him to see them after use. Also remember that blood completely decomposes after 4 hours and produces a very unpleasant odor. Find an opportunity to take everything into the garbage disposal before this period expires. He will still immediately guess why there is such an unpleasant smell in the apartment.
Toilet and everything connected with it
Remember that episode of "Sex in big city“, where the heroine was afraid to go to the toilet “in a big way”, being in the same apartment with a guy. If you live together, this will happen sooner or later. What can you advise if you can’t do this when he doesn’t see, it can save you at first if you have a separate toilet and shower, if you turn on the water during the process, then he may think that you were in the shower . But he will still figure it out over time if you do this constantly.
Try never to do this if he is eating, even in another room. The presence of a hood in the toilet will greatly save you. And if it is not there, be sure to use an air freshener not only after the process, but also before. What if he wants to go to the toilet immediately after you.
You can also use by special means, like “Toilet Duckling”, the smell that remains after their use kills all other odors. Try also used toilet paper, wrap it in another cleaner layer - then he definitely won’t see what he might not like.
By the way, oddly enough, guys normally perceive everything related to vomiting; they probably had to hold a girl’s hair more than once during the process, especially if they themselves got her drunk. Everything related to going to the toilet “in a small way” usually does not cause any tension for anyone, you can even do it on the street, or directly say where you are going to go, and not imagine that you are going to powder your nose.
Of course, we are not considering situations where a guy is a sexual fan of such physiological waste products, then he will not have problems with them, on the contrary, you will need to get used to everything mentally.
Unpleasant sounds
Everyone remembers the shocking confession of Brad Pitt during his life together with Angelina Jolie that “the main thing is to find that person with whom you can fart under the covers,” in the USA they generally have a normal attitude towards this. It is also quite possible for them to burp in society. But we have a different mentality.
You should never do this in front of your boyfriend or if he can hear you even if he’s in another room. If you need to do something like this, don’t be too lazy to go to the restroom. By the way, the fear of many women is that they can do this involuntarily during sex. Don't worry, especially since the guy thinks you've already done it.
The fact is that a well-moisturized vagina, especially in the “back” position, is capable of making similar squelching sounds that can easily be mistaken for something else. When you become pregnant, you will do this involuntarily, but by that time a normal man will treat you differently and forgive you everything.
Pets and child
If you have pets, unfortunately, you will be the one who will have to clean up all their waste products. The same applies to a child, no matter how much a guy loves his baby, rarely is anyone ready to change his diaper. Also, you should not sit your child on a potty in the room or in the kitchen, especially if there are other people nearby besides your boyfriend.
Advice: To warn in advance means to arm in advance. Carefully find out how best to approach it. If he is really tired of intimacy, give him time to understand that he cannot find a more reliable and faithful person. Well, men value loyalty in women.
Men are susceptible to penis envy
Men don't always show it, but they really want to impress women. Men are sure that women are incredibly interested in what is in front of them; in fact, research shows that women are more likely to be interested in what men have behind them. “He has nice jeans that are not too tight, but really nicely highlight his butt - the part of the body that I like best” (singer Gloria Estefano and her husband Emilio). No matter what Freud says, it is not women who dream of looking like studs, but men who are concerned about how sexy they look in comparison with others. As a result, the “main” organ is idealized and turned into an aggregate, a jackhammer or a long-lasting lollipop. In fact, as the writer Gay Talese once noted: “It is quite vulnerable even when made of stone, and the museums of the world are full of gigantic figures sporting all sorts of stumps instead of a penis.” To close the topic of envy, here are the words of a little girl who, seeing a penis for the first time, remarked: “Mom, isn’t it really good that it’s not on their face?”
Advice: Even if it is not your favorite part of the body, never humiliate his manhood. If it really impresses you, then talk about it with fervor and passion.
Men hate sexual criticism
Only masochistic men will enjoy your mentions of the shortcomings of their sexual technique or abilities. George and Carol sought counseling after she complained that he was “an insensitive blockhead who doesn’t care about the old carpet or me.” When Carol was asked in what words she expressed her complaint, she answered, puzzled: “Yes, these are the very same ones. That’s what I told him, that he’s an insensitive blockhead.” It is quite natural that something broke inside George, and it is not at all surprising that he subsequently became impotent.
Advice: If you want him to change his behavior in bed, learn to use positive language, not “I hate it when you do X...”, but “I love it when you do Y.. and I really want you to do it again right now.” Don't forget that most of us were naive lovers at first.
Men dream of bringing a woman to orgasm
No matter what they say, most men take credit for it if a woman responds to their efforts with an orgasm, and feel miserable if this does not happen, placing the blame on themselves. And so in all cases - regardless of the woman’s sexual experience and the man’s skills. For example, Jeff's pride was greatly wounded when all his efforts failed to bring Evie to orgasm. She explained that she still cannot forget what happened to her in adolescence through my uncle's fault. Jeff couldn't figure out what this had to do with him. As he put it: “All the other girls told me I was an amazing lover. And now it’s suddenly gone!” Or take Lynn's case, cited in the Kramers' book Why Men Don't Get Enough of Sex: “We had been having sex for six years, long enough, it seemed, to begin to understand what was what. If I don't orgasm, it hurts his pride, so I fake it so as not to upset him."
Advice: You know your body better than anyone, and no man can make you orgasm unless you want to. He won’t be able to give you the pleasure you dream of if you don’t show him how to do it. Pretense, we emphasize, is always a mistake - it only teaches a man not to satisfy you. If you let him know that everything is great when it's not, then you are only encouraging your partner to repeat his mistakes over and over again. So understand that he needs his efforts appreciated, but help him apply them correctly. Show him how to create moods and fantasies, where to caress, when to be gentle and when to surrender to the will of the situation.
Men love pornography
No matter what they say, most men watch pornography because it turns them on. Most men also pay attention to short skirts, immodestly exposed necklines and revealing visual cues - from wet lips to a swaying butt. Essentially, men's eyes are homing in on erogenous zones, before their brain has time to think. Of course, women do the same thing, but less openly and not as often. The real issue here is not sexual strategy, but caring about each other's feelings. Diana, for example, was simply infuriated by the way her husband Brian looked at her friends. According to her, he didn’t just stare at them, he literally devoured them with his gaze. When he started bringing home tapes with porn films, she threw him a tantrum. He was surprised. They got through the episode by agreeing to broaden their views and change their behavior: he would behave more reservedly; she will show greater breadth of views. For Christmas she bought him a Japanese Bed Book. He gave her a ring with stones, attached to a card on which it was written: “I promise to only smile to strangers.”
Advice: Men may be primitive, but window shopping is not necessarily a prelude to infidelity.
Men are sexually squeamish
Some heterosexual men don't like everything about being a woman and have a hard time coming to terms with facts like menstruation, sexual scent, and childbearing. They were probably never taught to understand these attributes feminine, which therefore remain “mysteries” for them. One of our correspondents, George B., for example, was completely shocked when he discovered that breastfeeding was a stimulating activity for Mrs. B. It took a lot of effort to convince him that female breast, which has a functional meaning for the baby, can retain a sexual meaning for the parents. On the other hand, there are also men among them who revel in sexual intimacy, especially the secret scent of a woman.
Advice: Tastes will always differ. If he's picky, accept that from the start, but make sure he starts to learn how your body actually functions month to month. Much of male disgust is actually based on ignorance.
Men always indulge in secret fantasies
Most men have secret fantasies, almost fetishes, of which they are ashamed or embarrassed. One of the reasons why men easily get along with the idea of prostitution is that selling love relieves them of the feeling of shame and embarrassment. Experienced workers in the sexual front proceed from the fact that men “have their own little quirks.” During lovemaking, most men (and some women) fantasize about others.
Advice: Remind yourself that fantasy is not reality: we are no more free to choose our sexual fantasies than we are to choose our dreams while we sleep. There is nothing offensive about someone's sexual imagination playing out in bed. On the other hand, how can you use his “little oddities” to your advantage? Maybe ask him to close his eyes and tell him a story?
In conclusion…
Men are not horny all the time
It is not true that men will make love to you more if you offer it to them more often. They will only pretend that it is so. In fact, men are just as likely to suffer from headaches as women and are just as likely to refuse sex to punish or teach their partners a lesson. The secret is this: men sometimes don’t want to make love. After 30, men also need more stimulation in order to feel the desire to make love at all. June, for example, was immensely surprised when she discovered that the mere presence of her half-naked body was not enough to send her new friend, 41-year-old Marcus, into a sexual frenzy.
Advice: do not believe male propaganda that they are supposedly always ready. But if you can influence his fantasies, consider that half the work will be done, the rest by the skill of your touch.
