I always knew that my husband had a hot temper, but before I had avoided his temper. But gradually my husband began to shout at me and might say something unpleasant. I pretended (probably this was my mistake) that I didn’t notice anything. Now, when my husband is not in a good mood, he uses me like a whipping girl: he distorts my words, he is rude, he can even call me names! And when it cools down, he says “in his own defense” that it was my fault that I brought him to such a state.
I’ve tried to talk to him more than once, but it’s all in vain, I’m exaggerating, they say. It’s very rare to hear the words “Well, I’m sorry” from him, and they are said in such a tone that I understand that this is a favor. I have always been against this behavior, but lately I feel that I have become nervous, angry and am about to answer my husband in the same way. Please advise how to improve the situation.
Irina Well, alas, this happens. Of course, the situation in the family is quite tense, and if nothing is done, it can go far. Therefore, it is important to solve it at a stage when there is still a desire and opportunity to change something.
Shout and be heard?
It’s hard to believe, but this is exactly how overly emotional statements are explained when sorting out relationships. It seems to a person that he cannot shout to his partner, both literally and figuratively, so he raises his voice. This is clear. Well, what about rude words? Psychologists have an explanation for this as well.
Rough and even profane language is always emotionally charged and is used in order to convey one’s thoughts even more “accessibly.” But seriously, the reasons for the not always adequate behavior of men is that they usually have more restrained behavior than us women. It is we who react emotionally to every little thing, but they accumulate and accumulate their discontent, internal tension grows, and then suddenly boom - and “you, a bad person, ruined his life.”
Another reason why a husband is rude may lie in the so-called “pattern behavior.” Simply put, in conflict situations the spouse behaves the way his parents behaved.
Take care of youself
It’s probably not very pleasant to read this, but sometimes a woman whose husband is constantly rude should think about whether she has put herself in such an unenviable position. After all, as people say, “you want to hit your hunchbacked back,” but psychologists put it more delicately: the victim always finds his tyrant. What can you do if this is true, at least partially? Need to find golden mean between “I’d better keep silent out of harm’s way” and “I’ll defend my opinion until I’m hoarse.” Try to look at the situation from the outside, let him speak, and when the “fountain of emotions” dries up, calmly identify his actions and tell him about your feelings. For example, “You are screaming now. Why are you doing it? When you do this, I feel offended and want to defend myself.” Agree with your husband that, no matter how heated the argument may be, you will not get personal. After all, this is humiliation. Namely, from this, first of all, a man must protect his half.
Work for two
If you understand that the cause of your problems is your husband’s choleric temperament, try to convince him to seek help or advice (for some reason this word sounds safer for men) from a good family psychotherapist. However, this is not always easy to do. In any case, try to come to an agreement with your husband (when he is in good mood) about a few rules at a time when he feels like he's about to explode. If you happen to respond to your husband “in return,” they will also be useful to you.
To express your emotions, you need to choose a special place in the apartment. The main thing is that it is not the kitchen or the bedroom - we subconsciously consider these places to be the most intimate, so they should not be associated with conflicts.
During a “speech” you can raise your voice, but calling names and insulting is a no-no. Also, you can't interrupt each other. If you still have difficulties with the latter, try this psychological technique. Choose a small object (a pen, a TV remote control, a bottle of perfume) and agree that the person holding the object has the right to vote.
Physical pressure in the family is unacceptable not only to people, but also to things. And you cannot argue your opinion by throwing or breaking things.
If you feel like your emotions are getting the better of you, start communicating using notes. Thus, it will not be possible to interrupt or raise your voice. Yes, and calling people names, most likely, will not work, because the statements will be more constructive and thoughtful.
It shouldn't be like this!
It’s a completely different matter when such behavior from your husband is the style of your relationship. He is firmly convinced that his behavior is absolutely normal and not rudeness at all, but just mild criticism? It's time for heavy artillery. During your next performance, try to discreetly film it on your mobile camera or at least record it on a voice recorder. And when he is complacent, let him view or listen to the “compromising evidence.” If after this he does not think about his behavior, more drastic measures are needed. It's time to think about what good you are getting from your marriage. Stability, habit, material security are, of course, important, but your self-esteem and self-esteem cannot be sacrificed for this. You should be aware that many psychologists and women's rights organizations consider behavior in which one person regularly verbally humiliates another as emotional abuse. I am sure that if you really want to change the situation for the better, you will succeed! And your most faithful helpers in this will be self-respect and the belief that you deserve only the best.
Look at you
You, in turn, also control yourself, because, let’s be honest, women know how to “nail” and “bring to white heat” like no one else. Do you allow yourself to make negative statements about his earnings? Do you question his abilities, criticize him in front of strangers? Any man perceives such behavior as humiliation, psychologists say. Someone withdraws, becomes apathetic, and someone will defend themselves with the same weapon - humiliation, only in the form of rude and offensive words. Therefore, always remember what kind of husband you want to have next to you. Smart, strong, successful? Then treat him that way.
Hello! Please tell me, should a husband respect his wife? And How? I try in every possible way to show my husband respect, to please him. And he freaks out at everything, gets angry, perceives it as a personal insult, as humiliation. And he’s always annoyed at me. If he quarrels with someone, then he takes out his anger and irritation on me. How to act wisely so as not to worsen the situation? Thanks for the help. N.
Postponed Postponed Subscribe You are subscribedMiriam Klimovskaya answers
Hello, dear N.
Unfortunately, the situation you described is far from uncommon. Many married couples suffer from a lack of respect from one or both spouses.
It is very difficult to endure insults and mistrust. It is many times more difficult when it is not a stranger who insults, but the one who is called to be the closest and dearest, in whom we want to see a protector and support. You can ignore the insults of a stranger, understanding that this is his personal problem, and the problems of a spouse are always common to both.
I am very glad that you are striving to improve relations yourself and are not waiting for the other side to take the initiative. And the fact that you want to act wisely shows that you can change a lot for the better.
Of course, as in any case of family disharmony, it is best to consult with a professional family counselor who can assess the situation “on the spot” and help you both. General advice from a distance, without knowing the whole picture, can be beneficial or harmful.
And knowing that the Torah actually commands a husband to respect his wife will not help you achieve family harmony, since it is unlikely that your husband treats you disrespectfully because he considers such behavior his sacred duty. But at least you can save self-respect, knowing that when you show patience, you act this way not because of a lack of choice, but for the sake of a higher goal - family well-being.
The sages of the Talmud recommended that the husband “love her (wife) as himself, and respect her more than himself.” Respect must be shown in business: the husband must speak softly to his wife, consult with her when making important decisions, be attentive to her needs, give her gifts, and beware of offending her. (Perhaps Jewish husbands were so valued in “that” world because they absorbed this behavior with their mother’s milk, watching their parents).
Not everyone, however, behaves according to the requirements of Halakha. The reason for this is uncorrected middot(mental qualities), all sorts of complexes, bad example of parents or (in the worst case) real mental disorders.
What can you do? The very first thing is to pray for peace in the family. And also remind ourselves of the main purpose for which we all came into this world. The Vilna Gaon said that the goal of our entire life is to work on ourselves, correct and purify our soul. And all the conditions of our life, including the character of our spouse, are carefully verified and measured circumstances necessary for our own correction. Accordingly, the first and most important thing we can change is our attitude towards what is happening. By seeing everything that happens as a challenge that helps us grow, we get rid of anger and despair.
The next thing to remember is our role in marriage. A woman's purpose is to be ezer ke-negdo, an assistant, (sometimes even) opposed to a man. In this, however, a woman’s capabilities are limited, because only a person himself is capable of truly changing himself. And the assistant can tell you the direction, hold you in some places, and push you in others, but no more. We cannot work “on our husband,” but only “together with our husband.” And it is very important not to cause harm.
And the third thing to remember is the purpose of marriage. Spouses must “grow together” and become one. Consequently, any problem is not a personal problem of one of them, but a common one. And you need to act accordingly, without losing sight of the whole and remembering that the problems of one spouse cannot be transferred to the other, because both will still suffer because of them.
Only by keeping all these goals in mind can you try to assess the situation and check how you can help your husband and yourself. There is not much that can be advised without knowing you and your husband. Use your intuition to understand which actions will help and which will hurt. Make a list for yourself good qualities Your husband and focus on them. Learn to ignore his irritated tone and speak to him calmly and kindly. Greet him with a smile, even if you know that this will be followed by a new series of critical comments (not from your side, of course). Let him know that they are waiting for him at home and accept him for who he is. Don't forget to thank him warmly for any help; compliments do not always seem sincere, so say only what you are really convinced of and what can convince him. Consult with him more often (if it doesn't annoy him) and follow his advice whenever possible. And don’t forget to say: “I did as you said and it turned out very well. Thank you".
Try to find out what is not going well with him OUTSIDE the house. From your letter it can be understood that he also has conflicts with other people. Perhaps he suffers from a lack of respect at work and therefore believes that no one respects him (including you). Convince him that you are on his side, sympathize that no one understands what a wonderful person he is (here the list of his advantages that you compiled earlier may come in handy). Avoid situations that can provoke an outburst of anger, in no case “get wound up” yourself, but do not make superhuman efforts to appease him - if he has a need to throw out his anger at you, he will find something to complain about.
Try to talk frankly, ask what he would like to see you like, and try to match if possible. Ideally, your husband will react according to what was said: “As (the reflection) in the water is face to face, so the heart of a person is to the heart of (another).” Perhaps, having realized that you are not his competitor and are not going to manipulate him, he will open his heart towards you and also begin to change. But don't count on it. Be realistic: no one can change a person unless he wants to. And even if he really wants to change, it will take time. Encourage any progress, even the smallest, if it doesn’t make him angry. But remember that you are dealing with an adult, not a child who needs to be raised.
If he makes obviously impossible demands on you and does not accept explanations, this may indicate a desire to justify his mistreatment of you. Remind yourself: no one in the world deserves to be bullied and humiliated by their spouse, even if the house is not clean and dinner is not ready. And, in general, do not allow any feelings of guilt, even if your husband accuses you of every conceivable sin. You only want the best for both him and yourself. Contrary to the popular belief that both are always to blame for family discord, there are situations that are beyond our power to correct. One spouse cannot be held responsible if the other suffers from mental disorders (God forbid!) or is pathologically unwilling to work on himself. And remember: in any case of aggression that goes beyond the norm, you should immediately seek professional help - such things do not go away on their own.
In your situation, communication with family, friends, etc. is especially necessary. But it happens that such “angry” husbands do not approve of their wives’ communication with other people. In this case, you should find an activity that can bring emotional release and maintain your peace of mind: reading, handicrafts, floriculture, etc. Prayer, reading Teilim, addressing the Almighty in your own words can give you the feeling that the most close friend, who understands you and strives to help. You can turn to the Almighty in your heart while doing any housework (just not in the toilet). Remember: He loves you for who you are and He sends you trials to help you discover wonderful qualities in you that you may not have even known about. I wish you good luck with all my heart!
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What to do if your man often gets angry? This question worries many women. Sometimes years and decades do not help women learn to respond correctly to their husband’s irritation. For some, a lifetime is not enough for this. To work out correct behavior it is necessary to understand the cause of anger. If this is just temporary negativity that has accumulated and is now making itself felt, then it is better to simply withdraw and wait it out. In this case, it is important to give the man the opportunity to solve his problems himself. There is no need for you to absorb his negativity. Believe me, it is very effective. Your man will quickly burn out and everything will return to normal.
Everything is much more complicated if your husband’s irritation directly concerns you, if your husband uses physical strength and he needs to hook someone, and the air is simply not suitable for this. In such situations, your behavior should depend on the circumstances, but the problem can only be solved by using systemic measures. Simple tips They will not be able to help you if you are still together and your husband’s aggression does not affect any other objects except you. In this case, you need to seek the help of a psychologist who will help you find the reasons for your spouse’s aggression and irritation, and will give you advice on how to deal with it so as not to suffer.
For example, if your man comes home from work irritated and is rude to you, the main thing is not to answer him in the same way. It will be much better if you give him what he needs at this moment, peace of mind. If you show a man that you don’t like his behavior and mood, then in the end his anger will pour out more on you than on his colleagues or director. Is this what you are trying to achieve?
You can silently show care and attention (hug, kiss, feed). At this time, there is no need to tell or even ask anything. He will say everything himself if he wants. And he definitely won’t be able to listen calmly to what you want to tell about the events of the day. It is better to save this information for a calmer period. You can communicate only if you know for sure that it will help a man, and then only when the peak of the boil has already passed.
Often men become irritated by women's manipulations and pressure. Stopping pressure will help you avoid aggression. If you regularly put pressure on a man, he will get angry very often and for a long time. In this case, he will not just calm down. Very often women use this trick. First they mock the man, and then with the eyes of an innocent girl and resentment in their voice they say: “I don’t do anything anymore... Why are you shouting at me?"
Only by apologizing and promising the man that this will not happen again can such a conflict be resolved. But if you are not ready to make such a promise, then be prepared for outbursts of negativity, rage and inevitable scandals. And you shouldn’t even remember your innocence.
But if a man is angry because you annoy him, then either a breakup or, perhaps, a family psychology consultant will help.
Family quarrels and disagreements are very unpleasant and can lead to the destruction of relationships. Women are emotional by nature and often throw out negative emotions on their spouse. Husbands usually keep all their feelings inside, and when they begin to show violent emotions, it becomes clear that they are at their limit.
If the husband’s irritation towards his wife has become clearly visible, the woman should sound the alarm. But in order to cope with the current situation, you must first understand it and find out why the husband became so irritated by the once beloved woman, to whom he had previously forgiven everything.
Please be quiet!
- But I’m silent anyway.
- You think it's annoying.
Sherlock Holmes and Lestrade.
Cool video about how drunk wife annoying husband)
Managing husband
A wife’s attempts to control her husband through tears, emotions, ignoring, and refusing sex will not help in strengthening the relationship.Men will not appreciate all these “efforts”:
- frequent tears will develop immunity in the husband; if he previously tried to console and made concessions, then realizing after some time that this is one of her ways to achieve her goal, he will stop reacting;
- Screams and emotions will never help solve a problem, direct conversation is another matter, it is much more effective;
- By ignoring and showing indifference to a man, a woman tries to force him to pay attention to herself, but he draws the exact opposite conclusion from these actions;
- Disciplining your husband by not having sex can lead him to seek solace elsewhere.
How to improve relationships
“My husband often gets irritated, but I don’t understand why...”
What should you do if your husband often gets irritated, says offensive words, indifference to his wife is visible in his eyes, and the woman really wants to return his affection?
In this case, the following advice from psychologists can help the wife:
- when your husband is irritated, you should try to leave him alone with himself, it is better to do what you love at this time, take a walk with the children, go to a friend’s place or to the store;
- You should not talk to your spouse with a commanding note in your voice; calm and gentle speech will help relieve tension and establish mutual understanding;
- at moments when the husband is irritated and some issues need to be resolved, you should not make a decision alone, it is better to wait for his mood to change and discuss everything together;
- if your husband’s irritability has been prolonged, he does not want to communicate, he has retired to another room and this continues for several days, the way out of the situation will be a change of scenery: a trip, a trip out of town, a hike;
- each person needs a certain time to relieve irritation; if the husband quickly forgets the negative, you need to try to call him to straight Talk and find out the reason for his frequent irritation; in cases where a man does not make contact for a long time, it is worth seeking help from a psychologist.
Bottom line
The wife needs to learn to forget the insult, and not accumulate it, convincing yourself that your husband’s irritation is due to his loss old feelings. You need to get these thoughts out of your head and switch to the positive.A cheerful and affectionate wife is unlikely to cause negative emotions; if peace and kindness reign in the house, the laughter of children is heard, then the man will feel that everything in his life is correct and irritation will disappear.
