The role of a man in the family has changed noticeably, and in many homes it is reduced only to the function of the breadwinner. After daily labors, a characteristic “splash” is heard in the area of the sofa. Everyone: dad is tired. What lies behind such alienation? A lot, and the desire to relax is not in the first place...
Father stereotypes
Dads have many good “reasons” to avoid communicating with their children. Some are afraid of children because they simply do not know how to communicate with them. This gap can be filled with the help of pedagogical and psychological literature and communication with other unlucky or challenging dads.
Alas, not everyone makes such attempts. Because of laziness, fear of failure, or the widespread stereotype that it is indecent for men to love children. The father is assigned only the role of an inseminating bull and a miner of banknotes. Adherents of this misconception strive to pretend to be respectable. They are afraid of looking funny and do not allow themselves to relax to play with their children.
But, if a father’s ability to temporarily become a child, in general, benefits his children, then actively being stuck in childhood (infantilism) does not in any way contribute to the emotional rapprochement between father and heir. Infantilism is manifested in the fact that a man is jealous of his child’s wife, competing with him for her attention.
Mom's mistakes
However, the experience of psychologists shows that authoritarian wives are often to blame for a father’s indifference to a child.
Typically. Remember: how many times did you prevent your husband from severely punishing a capricious person who committed a crime by standing up for him? It is not surprising that a man ceases to be interested in parenting, citing workload and fatigue.
Logical. Even if you do not agree with your husband's opinion, try not to cancel his decisions. Return to this issue in a calmer environment, alone.
Typically. Usually fathers are “called upon” only for “dirty work”, when they need to pick up a product of the leather industry and punish their offspring with it. Thus, wives make a scarecrow out of their father. “If you don’t listen, I’ll tell dad everything!” - the mother threatens the naughty baby, freeing herself from the unpleasant mission of the punisher. The father, in turn, gladly takes on this function: this is a truly masculine occupation, and we will educate him and increase his authority (the father believes). But in fact, after a “harmonious” interaction, the father is perceived only as a source of punishment, often unfair.
Logical. There is no need to call your father specifically for punishment. Punish yourself for offenses committed in your presence, so that the child does not perceive dad as a professional executor.
Typically. Be careful with irony. Children cannot always grasp its shades, but they can easily adopt the habit of laughing at their father.
Logical. When criticizing children, do not say phrases like: “Everything like daddy,” and do not complain about your husband in the presence of children, because they always want to see him as a hero, and your rash statements make them suffer.
Great. With your actions you can add a little shine to the head of the family. For example, don’t miss an opportunity to say: “I’ll ask dad” or “Only dad can know that.” More often in front of your children, thank your husband for purchases, gifts, and attention. And also tell them about the youthful actions of the future father, because in the eyes of a son or daughter they have a heroic aura.
The importance of being
Oddly enough, a man solves several important psychological problems by his mere presence in the house.
According to statistics, Fear of the outside world is one of the main sources of neuroses in modern children. The father is strong man, ready to help. The mother cannot fully cope with this role, since something else is inherent in the female subconscious: not to fight, but to create a comfortable state. So the father, by his very presence, gives the children a feeling of security.
No one has canceled the pack instinct, which means that subconsciously we want to have a “leader” - the main, unquestioned authority. The most powerful argument in a child’s argument is often the words: “That’s what my dad said!”
They say that a girl doesn’t really need a father, they say, she learns to be feminine by imitating her mother. But for whom is the mother trying? First of all, for the father. Boys involuntarily imitate their parents, latently understanding how important it is to be courageous and clearly understand the consequences of their actions. This science is not comprehended by them adolescence, as many people think, but at 4-6 years old.
By belittling or underestimating the role of the father, women prevent children from realizing their need for authority. However, the child will look for it at any cost. But where will he go in his search: to a dubious company? It's better to raise it a little from the very beginning own father than to deal with an uncontrollable teenager later.
Test: Bad or good father
To look at your husband through the eyes of a child and compare his opinion with yours, answer these questions in turn: first yourself, then the baby. For each positive answer, one point is awarded.
1. Does your child like to spend time with his father?
2. Does he tell his friends about dad?
3. Do your children like to go for walks and visit with him?
4. Is there an activity that they especially like to do with dad?
5. Do you think that the child is proud of his father?
6. Have you noticed that your children like it when their father teaches them something?
7. Does dad talk to children about their affairs and friends?
8. Does the father often praise the child?
9. Does your child like to cuddle with dad?
10. Do you think that your husband is too strict with the child?
11. Do your children often get offended by their father?
12. Does dad pay attention to appearance child?
13. Do you think that a father wants to be an example to his children?
Key to the test
If the difference between the points scored in the two tests does not exceed 4: you feel the child’s mood well, and you have no contradictions with him in relation to the father.
If you scored 4 or more points more: your husband means little to your baby. This result is a reason to think: how does the child relate to his mother?
Your child scored 4 or more points higher: you underestimate the degree of the child’s attachment to his father. Maybe your husband has some positive traits that you don't notice?
Vasya Kasatkina
Psychologists say that the attitude towards children or spouses is nothing more than a projection of parental upbringing. It cannot be otherwise: children grow up in a family, they see how dad or mom perceive marriage, household responsibilities, how each of them takes care of the household. Women copy their mother's behavior, and men behave the way their mother raised them. Often children grow up in complete indifference on the part of themselves. loved one- mothers. No matter how hard the baby tries to please her, everything is wrong. Well, there are such families, but why does this happen?
A mother who is restrained in her feelings towards her child may well be cheerful, kind, sympathetic, and very active, but only with strangers. Her own child does not evoke sincere feelings in her!
There can be quite a lot of reasons:
- I gave birth too early, I’m not ready to be a mother, but nothing can be done.
- My own mother felt the same way.
- The child was not born from the man whom I would like to see as a father.
- A woman has postpartum depression.
- She needs the child for manipulation/profit.
The situation is difficult, but it needs to be resolved. Admit to being indifferent to to your own child necessary. True emotions, if hidden for a long time, will develop into the most terrible stage - hatred. Hence the constant disappointment in the child, prodding for actions that were wrong, from the mother’s point of view. It’s good if the mother feels guilty about her child and understands that the situation is reaching a dead end. In this case, there is a chance to improve the situation a little. But it happens that women do not see a problem in their behavior and attitude.
First of all, you should realize that the child already exists and he needs love and care. You have to allow yourself to love him, even if not passionately or madly, as “correct” mothers do. Sometimes feelings for a child appear several years later, unfortunately, after serious trials. You should not be frank about this with strangers, even with best friend. A child will experience severe stress if he hears that his mother does not love him from others. And to the question “Mommy, do you love me?” you must answer correctly, the baby should not feel like an outcast.
Before taking responsibility for a small life, every woman must understand that this is forever. Most often, children adopt their mother's habits as they spend more time in her company. If the mother is rude and unrestrained towards the baby, he will grow up withdrawn, confident that he cannot be loved. One can only guess what will happen to this person.
Therefore, it is worth contacting a specialist and turning the situation towards the child. In the end, a sane woman will understand that a child is the only creature in the world who will love her, regardless of the circumstances.
In our lives, inattentive education in childhood is one of the reasons for the problems of our society. People who did not receive care, attention and love from indifferent parents in childhood become alcoholics, criminals and drug addicts.
Parents treat children indifferently not only in dysfunctional families, but also in wealthy families. In families where they have a high status, parents do not take care of their children, know nothing about them, do not delve into the child’s problems, and do not communicate with them. The reasons for such indifference among parents are different. And the consequences are also different. Much also depends on different conditions life and degree indifference of parents and children.
Reasons for parents' indifference to children
Physiological feature.
Young people who do not feel any support and are in difficult living conditions behave differently with newborn children. Some abandon their children, others give them up for adoption, others are ready to care and love their child, despite all the difficulties ahead. The feeling of motherhood is produced by a hormone, like other feelings in a person. The hormone prolactin stimulates the production of this feeling. A deficiency of this hormone can cause indifference to the child already at the initial stage of motherhood.
An example of education.
A person who grew up without attention and indifference has become the norm for him and therefore he will treat his children the same way.
Addiction.
Addiction completely separates a person from family and society. Gambling addiction, alcoholism and drug addiction makes a person irresponsible, weak and antisocial. In such families there is no material well-being, no responsibility and parents satisfy their needs at the expense of loved ones and relatives. Children receive neither care nor love. Such children grow up either strong people, although this is achieved with great difficulty, or they become the same as their parents, incapable of normal family relationships.
Lack of time.
Parents who love their children and work very hard to provide for them financially. They don’t have enough time to work with their children and communicate. Such children, although they receive many benefits, do not see care and attention from their parents. And the higher the parent’s career, the further he is from the child.
Consequences of parental indifference to children or connivance.
Children lack discipline, so it will be difficult for him to integrate into society and live according to life’s rules.
Children are insecure because they do not feel valued or loved.
Children are indifferent and inattentive to others and everything that happens around them.
Children can grow up to be antisocial and irresponsible.
Such children may commit suicide because they have not seen the love and support of their relatives.
Spend more time with your children, play, communicate, support them in difficult moments, pass on life experiences, love them, take care of them, teach them life rules, discipline and responsibility. And then you will see how wonderful you are and good man brought up.
anonymously
Hello, I’m really looking forward to your help, since I don’t really have the money to turn to a specialist. I think I have a mental illness. To be honest, I don’t even know where to start, because absolutely everything is falling apart in my head. I gave birth to a child 7 months ago from a man with whom I broke off relations more than once and we reunited only for this reason. I know that this will sound disgusting, but I gave birth because - 1. I was tired of working, I wanted to relax.2. I wanted a new apartment, which I got in the fastest way. 3. I wanted to get easy money. I received all this, but in addition I also received a child, whom I now hate, and at times, thank God, I feel a feeling of indifference. Often thoughts appear in my head about where to put him and even if he disappeared altogether it would be wonderful. I hate his yelling and screaming. He annoys me. I hit him on the ass with great pleasure. In general, it gives me pleasure when he feels bad. I don’t want to spend a penny of money on him, I don’t want to feed him and clothe him and talk about him in principle. I never liked children, in fact I hated them. I hoped that everything would change and the maternal instinct would still wake up. Alas, no - he is missing. I hate my because he's just him :) stupid but true. because there could have been someone else in his place. He is a wonderful person that every girl dreams of, to be honest, I don’t even understand what kind of merit they gave me for him? I said that I would put up with this for 5 years, if everything remains the same, I’m kicking him out, along with the child, without him he won’t even take a step out of my apartment. By the way, I’ve already tried to kick them out, but he won’t leave. But I have nowhere to go and live in a dead end. He has decent parents. In general, the prince is from a fairy tale, but I can’t stand him. after giving birth, I became scary and swollen, no matter what I do, nothing helps, that is, I regard it all from the position that now I will never get away from them, since I don’t want to be alone either, I love male attention .In general, the appearance is spoiled, the husband and child are indifferent, there is no finance. Every day the same thing happens, life is boring and monotonous. I’ve already tried to ask myself the question - YOU’LL kick me out and what will happen?? What kind of great happiness is this? But no, I can’t find the answer either. Probably my favorite irresponsibility towards people is just that I don’t give a damn about anyone. I always wanted to live freely - to earn money and spend it on pleasant things and fun and nothing else. I have good job and position. And I hung these two around my neck with a heavy cross. In general, this is the kind of creature I am. Tell me please, am I going crazy? or I'm depressed. Because I'm a kind person. but you can’t say that from this letter.
Hello, yes, it looks like you really have driven yourself into some kind of nightmare. Let's do it this way. First. You go to the doctors and examine your nervous system - a neurologist, your swelling - a gynecologist, an endocrinologist, check your kidneys and bladder. Now the second one. About your attitude towards your child. Is the child healthy? Why is he screaming? And why exactly do you hate him so much? And third. Where are your family - loved ones - friends - girlfriends in this whole situation? It feels like you, completely alone, are embittered by the whole wide world - and it hits those closest to you the most... How old are you? What did you do during your childhood? What in life made you happy and consoled you from your sorrows? Will you write to me a little about this too? Only the volume is at most the same as in your first letter, I can’t handle more, alas)
