When Deborah Orr was diagnosed with cancer, the support of her friends was invaluable, but she also learned that there are some things you should never say to someone with cancer.
When Deborah Orr was diagnosed with cancer, the support of her friends was invaluable, but she also learned that there are some things you should never say to someone with cancer.
Let's figure out what these words are.
"I'm really sorry for you"
It's strange, some people think that being pitied makes you feel great. Don’t say with your eyes: “I’m really sorry for you.” Also, you don’t need to say the same thing with your hand. When they pat you on the thigh or quietly put a hand on it and at the same time whisper something in your ear or in the back of your head, I want to hit the person doing it hard. It’s better to say: “I would really like for you to avoid unpleasant days.” Thus, in a sick person you recognize a reasonable person, an active participant in his own drama, and not a momentary helpless victim.
“If anyone is able to overcome the disease, it is you”
It’s very funny, but I find little comfort in being told that you must fight your illness like some medieval knight from an adventure novel. Submitting to medicine in the hope of a cure is all that is needed. The idea that illness is a test of character, with rehabilitation as a reward for the strong-willed, is almost offensive. Why not say, “My mother had this happen 20 years ago and is now in Bengal traveling with an acrobatic circus.” But if it's not true, then don't say it.
"You look healthy"
It is unlikely that the patient will like it when they behave with him as if they do not notice the obvious. In any case, you can't be so sick that you can't look in the mirror and see your face looking like a full yellow moon, bloated from steroids, with panda eyes, thanks to a powerful and effective drug against breast cancer called Docetaxel. I was well aware that I looked and felt like a man with one foot in the grave. No one likes mocking ridicule, which discourages both the speaker and the listener. If your sick friend wants to discuss her appearance, she will ask you what you think about it. This will be a direct question, so get her off your “stimulants.”
"You look terrible"
I know that this will seem unlikely, but many really felt the need to confirm my deplorable condition, which was already obvious. On the other hand, when I ask, “Do I look terrible?” I am asking people to help them laugh at me, which is what most people do.
“I must definitely check on you”
Do not say these words, say, when you then have to make a real revolution in your busy work schedule, trying in vain to find a suitable “window”, because visiting a patient is an extremely important matter for you. I sat in the chemotherapy room with a large catheter on my arm and received messages like: “I’ll try to make time this week,” not letting up after my text messages: “Let’s do it better next time.” I love it when people ask, “Can I visit you after work in the evening?” or even better: “I have theater tickets for the 25th. Let me know on that day if you can go there with me.”
Many of us use the words "thank you" and "please" and we don't often hear words like "thank you" and "cheers." Whether we say it correctly, we don’t even think about it, we repeat out of habit what we heard more often in childhood. Below in your article “Don’t tell people - thank you!” Valery Rozanov explained in sufficient detail some points about how to speak and how not to speak, explained why and in what cases this or that word is used.
Don't tell people - thank you!
Few people living in modern cities know that the ordinary and familiar word “thank you” is perceived worse than a curse in the outback.
Indeed, thank you means - God bless!
Reasonably, people had a question - what to save from, and why on earth... Therefore, in response to thank you, they answered - no problem (that is, I didn’t do anything bad to you to save me) or, please (you’d better give me a hundred rubles). That is, thank you is equivalent to the situation - for example, you took the goods in a store, and at the place of payment you say - God will pay for me.
They talked and talked educated people- Thank you. That is, you share part of your benefit. You, personally, and not someone else, are responsible for good for good. That is why in Rus', when meeting, they said, “Hello,” and this came from you personally, your personal wish. And the western one - Good morning, a simple statement of the weather conditions, and not a wish for health to another
Think about the very meaning of this word (thank you - God save) and its application. If we are talking about God, then according to all the canons, no mortal has the right to tell Him who to save. Or maybe there are those among you who are ready to work only so that at the end of the month, instead of a salary, the boss pats you on the shoulder and says: “God willing (will pay).” I will be happy to hire people like you.
Secondly, read at least something from Russian literature. Until the twentieth century, almost no one would find something artificially imposed, cold - thank you. Just - thank you!
Indeed, an ethical, beautiful word - Thank you, now we will not always hear in response to kindness. And we don’t always teach children the rules of good behavior.
This word, like many words with the first part good (grace, prosperity, benefactor, complacency, etc.), came from the Old Church Slavonic language, in which it was a calque of the Greek word with the meaning of the parts “good, good” and “to give, to present.”
Thank you, sir, I’ll refresh myself a little for your health (N. Gogol. Overcoat).
In M. Lermontov and other Russian writers we find a parallel plural form: thank you.
Maxim Maksimych, would you like some tea? - I shouted at him out the window. - Thank you; I don’t want something (M. Lermontov. Maksim Maksimych).
Oh, thank you, gentlemen! Oh, how you revived, how you resurrected me in an instant (F. Dostoevsky. The Brothers Karamazov).
Thank you, it arose as a result of the fusion of the combination God forbid; the reduced ъ and the final r disappeared in it: God save > thank God > thank you. In Ukrainian, thank you.
Have you ever paid attention to how often people thank each other and for what? It has been noticed that they tend to say more negative thanks than to say simple positive thanks. Sad but true! The costs of our hectic life, filled to the brim with what comes from TV screens and other sources of information...
Saying “thank you” means expressing approval to a person. So, do good. Approval is a powerful incentive for personal growth.
To give thanks is to give a blessing!
Gratitude gets people's attention. You will be remembered long and warmly. Don’t let “thank you” get lost in the hustle and bustle of the busy day. Take time in any situation, stop and remember who you haven’t said “thank you” to.
“Thank you” is an unpleasant little thing. It's like a small nail in the cogs of a relationship. From this nail, the mechanism of human relationships can become fragile and shaky. What if we “tighten everything up” with words of thanksgiving? Imagine how great it will be!
People are surprised when they are given thanks. They catch themselves thinking that they are pleased, they are great, they are happy!
You are worthy of thanksgiving, you are worthy of being told “thank you.”
Always be grateful! Be grateful for what you have and you will receive more. Say “thank you” for everything in your life. Show your gratitude around you by setting a contagious example for others.
“Thank you” - this very word is a gift for us, a gift. When we have nothing to give, we always have a “Thank you”, and this in itself raises the giver in the eyes of others. And in the future it encourages even greater generosity. Share your joy with others, give them your love, peace and... “Thank you”!
"Magic" word - please.
So, the word, as you understand, is not magic at all. And using it in response to thank you is not a sign of good manners, but lack of culture. For, please, is nothing more than - please, that is - give, give. And it is used only in the context - “Please or please, weigh one hundred grams of sausage (give). And when we say, “please, give, one hundred grams of sausage,” in fact we are saying, “give, give, one hundred grams of sausage.”
Of course, the question arises. How to respond to gratitude? Respond with wishes for good, to what you are thanked for. For example: they thank you for the delicious food, we reply, “Greetings!” or you are thanked for your work. We answer “May it serve you for good!” or “May it bring you joy!” and so on.
Ecology of knowledge. Have you ever paid attention to how often people thank each other and for what? It is noticed that they tend to say more negative things - thank you, than to say a simple positive thanksgiving
Have you ever paid attention to how often people thank each other and for what? It has been noticed that they tend to say “thank you” more than saying simple positive thanks. Sad but true! The costs of our hectic life, filled to the brim with what comes from TV screens and other sources of information...
Let's figure it out
From Dahl's explanatory dictionary: THANK YOU - adv. abbreviated GOD BLESS! The words THANK YOU appeared in the Russian language relatively recently. The word THANK YOU arose as a result of the fusion of two words: SAVE GOD - save God → thank you → thank you(the trend towards reduction continues: in SMS and the network in general it has already been shortened to “SPS”, in best case scenario- “thank you” or “pasibki”). This abbreviation appeared in our language towards the end of the 19th century, and as an expression of gratitude we were obliged to use it only during the cultural October Revolution.
I would like to note that in the Russian translation of the Bible there is no word “thank you”, but “thank you” is used. Here are just a few quotes. “Jesus raised his eyes to heaven and said: Father! I thank You that You heard Me” (John 11:41). “The Pharisee stood and prayed to himself like this: God! I thank You that I am not like other people...” (Luke 18:11). “... The twenty-four elders, sitting before God on their thrones, fell on their faces and worshiped God, saying: We thank You, Lord God Almighty, Who art and was and who is to come, that You have received Your great power and reigned” (Rev. 11 :16-17).
Some Christians, due to a lack of “knowledge” in their prayers and sermons, use the word “thank you” to express gratitude to God. For example, “Thank you, Heavenly Father”, “Thank you God”, “Thank you, Lord”, “We have something to say thank you to Jesus for”, etc. This is the so-called pleonasm - a turn of speech in which they repeat unnecessarily words that partially or completely coincide in meaning (for example, about twenty people) or those in which the meaning of one word is already included in another (for example, your autobiography, patriot of the Motherland, work colleague, price list, jump up, etc. .). It turns out nonsense - “God, save God...”.
Even before the 20th century, Russian literature was full of words:
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, BENEFIER, GRACE, GRACE, BLESS...
Examples:
“Thank you, sir, I’ll refresh myself a little for your health. (N. Gogol. Overcoat).
In M. Lermontov and other Russian writers we find a parallel plural form: thank you.
- Maxim Maksimych, would you like some tea? - I shouted to him through the window. “Thank you; I don't want something. (M. Lermontov. Maxim Maksimych).
- Oh, thank you, gentlemen! Oh, how you revived, how you resurrected me in an instant. (F. Dostoevsky. The Brothers Karamazov).”
Saying THANK YOU means expressing approval to a person, it means doing good. And approval is a powerful incentive to personal growth.
What did Kirill do with the Old Russian alphabet?
THANK - give BLESS! Gratitude gets people's attention. You will be long and warmly remembered. People are surprised when they are given THANKS. They catch themselves thinking that they are pleased, they are great, they are happy!
We are worthy of thanksgiving, we are worthy of being told - THANK YOU!
To say or not to say THANK YOU to people It’s everyone’s business, but everyone should know the meaning of this word and what message it gives to another person. THANK YOU means – GOD BLESS! On given word People had a question - what to save from, and why on earth? Therefore, to THANK YOU they answered - NOT FOR ANYTHING (that is, I didn’t do anything bad to you to save me) or - PLEASE (better put - perhaps - a hundred rubles)
The most interesting thing is that in Russian, and in Ukrainian, and in Belarusian, and in German, and in English languages the word PLEASE is pleading. However, in all languages it has also acquired the meaning of a response to THANK YOU. Which is no longer strange if you understand the true meaning of the word THANK YOU.
Not THANK YOU, but THANK YOU! Who do we want to be saved from?! From the one who gives us good?! When we say THANK YOU, we don’t actually want to be saved from the goodness that comes to us! And when we want to THANK you for a service, then it’s correct to say - THANK YOU! That is, good for good, and good for good!
There is no word for thanks, but there is gratitude; There is no word thanked, but there is thanked, i.e. the word “thank you” was imposed recently and, if you read at least something from Russian literature, then until the twentieth century, almost no one will find the artificially imposed word “thank you”. Just – thank you!
There are words of gratitude, and there are words of prayer, and we must always clearly understand what we are doing - thanking or praying.
When in our time a person says “thank you” or “God bless you!” or “thank you” - this means that he wants to express his gratitude.
And if a person wants not only to express gratitude, but to pray for a benefactor, for this he must turn to the Lord in a prayer appropriate for the occasion, for example: “Save, Lord.” Only these words should be addressed specifically to God, and not to the person for whom we are praying! In this case, no one will pray: “Thank you”; this is truly blasphemy.
How should you thank?
I think you already understand! Say “thank you” in response to a service done to you. This is how you give a benefit to someone else.
By saying “thank you,” you wish the person good. published
Educators, teachers. That is why the ability to give thanks is instilled as a skill, firmly and for life. With age and experience, the word can vary: thank you, very grateful, accept gratitude and others.
But sometimes we don’t know how to respond to “thank you.” It even seems that no response is needed. Is it really?
Is it necessary to respond to gratitude?
Let's try to put ourselves in the shoes of the person thanking. you, having said cherished word, don’t specifically expect anything in response. But how nice it would be to see or hear kind words in return!
These may not be words, but a gesture or a fleeting smile, an expression of a glance. Such “little things” can preserve for a long time good impression about a polite person. Exaggerating a bit, we can say: you would like it.
In any case, simply turning away and going about your business in response to a “thank you” is rude and can be upsetting.
But every rule has exceptions. Sometimes the word “thank you” has the opposite meaning and is pronounced with sarcasm, mockery or anger. In this case, the person does not thank, but expresses his resentment or anger: “thank you for the broken car,” “thank you for being late,” “thank you for the ruined evening.” Here it is better to remain silent in response or apologize for the mistake.
Verbal response to gratitude
The easiest way to respond to “thank you” is “please”, it’s that simple! But people with poor communication skills sometimes have difficulty expressing emotions verbally. That is why this also needs to be taught to everyone from childhood.
Let's consider the options for verbal answers:
- Please;
- I was glad to help you;
- contact;
- you're welcome;
- I was pleased to do this;
- nothing, it wasn’t difficult for me;
- if necessary, I will do it again;
- If you have any problem, please contact me again;
- and thank you very much for asking for help;
- to your health (if you thanked me for a delicious lunch).
That's how much possible options, And that is not all. Each response to a grateful “thank you” depends on the specific situation, on the people, on their position. It should be taken into account that a rather boring “you’re welcome” in some way diminishes the value of the service provided.
It is possible to solve the “thank you, please” problem in another language, but to do this you need to be sure that you will be understood. For example, answer in English, which is now very popular:
- do not mention it;
- not at all;
- was glad to help.
Experiments by psychologists
From a psychological point of view, “you’re welcome” symbolizes a sign of lost benefit (benefit). It's better to choose something more acceptable. A very sophisticated answer is advised by the famous psychologist Robert Cialdini: “I’m sure you would do the same for me.” So in a simple way reciprocity begins. There is a feeling that good will be repaid with good (in the future tense).
Adam Grant considered it wrong to hint to a person about a future “return of a good deed.” And he slightly altered Cialdini’s phrase: “...I was glad to help, you would probably have done the same for me.” This removes the “aftertaste” from the first option, and the person does not feel like a debtor.
Reply using gestures
Of course, gestures also help in communication. Under no circumstances should you use an irritable “wave” of your hand. In this case, you can insult the person, show that “there is already a lot to do,” but you had to be distracted by other people’s problems.
But gestures are different, not all are verbally translatable, but each is intuitive. We suggest you study a small list. In response to "thank you" you can do the following:
- just smile cordially, this action works wonders;
- place your palm on your heart and slightly tilt your head;
- imitate a handshake by clasping your own palms and shaking them slightly;
- just nod your head slightly and smile back;
- depict an “air kiss” (for ladies).
This list can be continued with your own options (imagine at your leisure)!
Joking answers
People with a sense of humor easily weave it into any situation. The response to “thank you” for a gift is no exception. This can only be done among close friends, those who are able to appreciate and understand humor. Examples of answers: “you will owe me”, “you won’t put thanks in your pocket and you won’t spread it on bread”, “please, but better with money” and so on.
If you gave a gift
The problem for many is the inability to accept gifts. But an even bigger problem is how to respond to “thank you for the gift,” what to say in response?
The main thing is to behave with restraint and confidence. You need to react adequately, there are many options here. Imagine again: you gave a gift, the person rejoices! It's nice, isn't it?
How to respond to “thank you”? The options are as follows:
- I'm glad I pleased you;
- We are glad that you liked the gift (it was about the soul);
- please (don't forget about the simple option);
- wear (use) with pleasure.
What is not allowed
Under no circumstances should you answer something like: “it’s not expensive,” “we didn’t buy it, I had a gift lying around at home,” “I got it as a present,” “we bought it on sale.”
Some gestures are also unacceptable: waving, grinning, mysterious glances. The person who accepted the gift should see the clarity of the situation: you presented the gift with all your heart, and he joyfully accepts it. And no ambiguous hints!
All these words, gestures, facial expressions can not only offend a person, this is a serious request to never be invited into the house again. Therefore, think carefully about how to respond to “thank you.”
Everything must be done sincerely
Do you know how to give gifts? Do you like to do this? If the answer is no, then we advise you not to try to give or thank in return. People always feel false.
And for those who accept gifts, there is one rule: do not criticize! Even if you didn’t like it, you need to remain polite and say “thank you.”
About women and men
Women love gifts very much, all men know this. But if there is a close relationship in a couple, then the lady can express gratitude different ways. All of the above are not suitable.
A woman, accepting a gift, may hug back, jump and squeal with happiness. No sour expression or quiet “thank you.” Gratitude in this case can be loud, stormy and always sincere.
Then the man will go crazy in order to constantly give gifts to his beloved and not worry about the topic: “What to answer to “Thank you for the gift”?”
To the question: After eating, do you say “Thank you” and they answer you “You’re welcome” or “You’re welcome”? given by the author PolJor the best answer is, according to etiquette, it’s generally “thank you”; you don’t have to say “thank you” when getting up from the table if you’re eating at home))) It’s just customary in everyday life that you should express gratitude to your mother or the person who cooked. When visiting, you can thank them for dinner or lunch and praise the dishes. But at a social event or at a business meeting, adults would say “Thank you” when getting up from the table - this is something new))
Answer from I-beam[guru]
I answer: No way...
Answer from Ivan Koryakovtsev[master]
seems to be good for your health
Answer from Throw[guru]
I burp loudly
Answer from Adapt[active]
what difference does it make how to thank a person, the most important thing is from the heart
Answer from Loving spring[guru]
I answer, behetle was, (be happy)
Answer from Daria Dmitrieva[newbie]
To your loved ones - To the health of strangers - Please And you can’t go wrong.
Answer from Elarid[active]
They usually tell me: “maybe supplements”
Answer from Elena beidner[guru]
They tell me Thank you, I answer: There will be money, come again!
Answer from Natalia Kaygorodova[guru]
you have to say “for the good,” but when you say “for your health,” you’re giving your health to that person
Answer from Allochka[guru]
I always say: good health, and that’s what I’ve always been told. It’s like food is good for a person’s health. That's what we always said in our family.
Answer from Kroshka Li[guru]
In response to “thank you,” I hear: “Wash the dishes right away!” What’s the point? No one washes it except me!)
Answer from Zaya[guru]
In different ways, but the correct answer is health...
Answer from Yoadykova Elena[guru]
“Please” is a shortened version of “welcome” or “glad to see you again”, i.e. it is an invitation in its own way. by answering with the word “please” after a meal, you invite the guest to dine with you again “To your health” - this is the meaning of cooked food (cooked for health, healthy food), this is better to answer to family and friends. But the answer to guests “you’re welcome” is somewhat offensive, it can be interpreted as how you don’t care if they ate or not, cooking is a normal process for you, and not at all a treat for guests or loved ones
Answer from Evgenia Taratutina[guru]
Getting up from the table they say thank you and say hello. And If you brought a heavy bag and they thanked you, they answer Please
Answer from Sweetie[guru]
Whoever is accepted into the family, that’s what they say. For example, in our family it is customary to answer “please”, which is what my son (2.5 years old) learned. BUT, I went to kindergarten, and there the teachers said “you’re welcome” - now he’s the only one in the family who responds like that :) but I don’t mind, the main thing is that he understands that these are words of politeness, and he doesn’t need to be reminded to say them - he already has everything in his arsenal all the time and the main thing is that it’s “on topic”: hello, thank you, please be healthy and so on - they have etiquette classes in the kindergarten - they were taught everything.
