You will be surprised, but most women have complaints against their husbands because they do not support them and do not help them run their lives. After all, this matter is far from simple and extremely troublesome. Women complain about their husbands anonymously on forums; some prefer to pour out their hearts to a friend, mother, or even colleagues at work. However, such conversations are unlikely to help change the situation. If a woman wants to convince her husband to take an active part in domestic matters or raising children, she must act cunningly.
Why the husband does not help his wife: the main reasons
So, why does the stronger sex shy away from performing household duties, preferring to put it on the fragile shoulders of the wife? If we put aside the laziness inherent in many men, we can identify the following reasons for reluctance to help:
- Used to sharing responsibilities into “male” and “female”. This happens if a man grew up in a family where the mother was an uncomplaining slave, while the father’s main, only task was to provide the family with money.
- He grew up in a single-parent family. If a man was raised only by his mother, then she probably took care of everything all her life, without bothering her son with everyday problems, because life is not easy for him anyway.
- Doesn't want to look like a henpecked guy. Sometimes, a man ignores household responsibilities because he believes that because of this, friends, brothers or his father will label him a weakling.
- The wife convinced her husband that she could handle everything herself. It happens that at the initial stage of a relationship, a woman, trying to impress her husband, takes on all the housework herself: maintaining cleanliness, taking care of her husband’s clothes (washing, ironing), preparing meals, and even managing to work and look great. A man gets used to this state of affairs, not wanting to change anything.
As you can see, husbands do not help women because of those around them, because of the fault of their parents, or because of the mistakes of the wives themselves.
Should a husband help his wife around the house?
The answer is clear - yes, it should. A family is a team in which everyone responsibilities should be shared equally. If only one of the spouses takes care of everyday life, and the other simply takes advantage of it, there can be no talk of any harmony in the couple.
Sooner or later, the fatigue of one partner will become a catalyst for divorce. It will all start with claims, quarrels, squabbles, scandals, and end with the breakdown of the family. If the spouses do not divorce, then the woman will have to live in constant stress, languish from fatigue and accumulate grievances.
My husband doesn't help at all with my baby
It just so happens that in our society, caring for children falls exclusively on women’s shoulders. Sometimes grandmothers can come to the rescue. This is wrong, because little man care from both parents is required. Especially when you consider that the mother and child already have a strong connection, while the father has a lot of work to do to establish contact with the new family member. It is the father’s care for the newborn that will help to properly “build bridges” and establish a connection, awakening paternal instincts in a man.
With the appearance of a child in the house, the mother develops unconditional love for him. Fathers can experience a range of different feelings - from joy to coldness and detachment.
A woman should carefully involve a man in caring for the child from the first weeks of the baby’s life. This is very important, because care will be the first step for a man to realize the responsibility of what is happening. If this stage is passed, then later it will become easier for him to connect to the education process.
A man may refuse to help take care of a child because of the banal fear of harming the little person or doing something wrong. A woman should always be by her husband’s side, providing backup, giving advice and instilling confidence that he is doing everything right.
How to train your husband to help with housework: psychology
Any psychologist will tell you that you need to negotiate “on the shore.” That is, it would be a good idea to distribute roles and responsibilities in the family even before marriage. For example, the husband always takes out the trash, since it is not appropriate for a beautiful wife to parade around to the trash cans, and in exchange for this, after a hard day, the man is entitled to a delicious dinner, shopping and cleaning together. Your task is to distribute responsibilities without reference to the concepts of “male” and “female”, but trying to make sure that both partners feel comfortable in the relationship. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. What to do if the moment is missed and a man ignores household chores? In this case, a woman should use her cunning:
- Praise and motivation. A wife should accustom herself to notice even the slightest help from her husband and always praise it. This way, a cause-and-effect relationship will be formed in a man’s head that he will definitely receive a pleasant bonus for his useful deeds. This will encourage him to do even more. The husband vacuumed - praise, washed the dishes for the whole family after dinner - thank him at night, did the laundry - earned an evening with friends with a glass of beer, without reproaches.
- Compromises. Just imagine, your spouse assures you that he simply does not know how to hammer nails, is not able to wash the floors, put up wallpaper, or repair the toilet. Well, don't try to take it all on yourself. Try to offer him a compromise option, if you can’t do it yourself - hire workers, buy new technology. You will see that after a short mental operation, a man will come to the conclusion that it is much cheaper and easier to start fussing himself.
- Argumentation. Men are very logical creatures, so sometimes women’s requests to help them around the house are perceived as ordinary whims. Wise woman She should not just ask her husband to join in running the household, but should correctly justify her request. Correct argumentation will help you quickly “reach out” to your beloved.
What to do if a man doesn’t help with anything at all
If your husband has completely abstracted himself from everyday life, deciding that you should do absolutely everything, then compromises, arguments and motivation may be useless. Well, what kind of encouragement and praise can there be if he does nothing, from the word “at all.” In this case, again appeal to male logic and pragmatism. Try to create a clear weekly schedule for him, asking him to follow this plan like a work schedule, that is, without fail. Each item completed and crossed off from the list will be associated with a solved task. This approach is accepted and understood much faster than requests, tears, reproaches, scandals.
The husband does not help with the child and household chores: is the family collapsing?
In fact, a family can exist in a regime where all household issues are handled exclusively by the woman. However, how happy and harmonious this union will be is a very big question...
Everything is fine in your family, everything is clean, orderly, and comfortable. But this is all your doing; your spouse did not participate at all. And you are already tired of this “non-interference”. There are three things that will bring equality back to your family.
Your spouse’s habit of referring to “not a man’s” business can burden you with all the chores of housework and raising children. But this argument is no longer convincing - men no longer run after mammoths and do not fight with each other. Times have changed, and you need to take care of yourself. Therefore, it’s time to shame the lazy person and force him to free you from the burden of some household responsibilities. The following three steps will help you do this.
Engage his "man brain"
Start with a clear statement of the task and justification of the reasons, thereby turning to his logic - this is exactly how men structure their actions, remember this. Tell us how difficult it is for you, you don’t have enough time, and ask for help with the housework. Build a clear and consistent chain of why you need help. And if you do it calmly and convincingly, he will definitely react.
But try not to order, but to ask. Imperative treatment causes resistance in men, because it hurts male pride. Use neutral phrases, adding a note of complaint to them: “please help with the dishes”, “could you start the washing machine“,” “Go pick up the children at kindergarten, be so kind.” Well, or just don’t shout during requests, remember about his “masculinity.”
Use another innate feature inherent in male- I thirst for freedom and disobedience. How exactly? Let him choose the task that needs to be done around the house. The fact that he himself decides what to do will allow him not to resist help around the house, and he will do it with all his diligence.
Stimulate with positive reinforcement and scare with negative reinforcement.
Explain how your fatigue from all household chores threatens him. Describe colorfully what state you will be in if you again have to do everything alone, and what he will not get. And then tell him what good he can get if he deigns to help you. Again use his masculine direct logic, but with shades of motivation.
Encourage all his successes in housework with positive reinforcement - this is a basic technique for developing correct behavior, which is worth adopting to solve many issues. Vacuum the rooms - kiss, take out the trash - stroke your neck and give a compliment, tidy up the bed - hug and kiss. And so with every action that satisfies you.
If he still tries to avoid doing housework, then use reinforcement again, but this time negative. Tell him directly that you will no longer wash dishes and look after the children, and he will have to start earning more to buy a dishwasher and pay for a nanny. Many men will not like such stimulation: rarely does anyone agree to additional expenses if they can be avoided. Again male logic in action. Therefore, he will probably stop shirking and start helping you around the house.
Distribute responsibilities
When your husband begins to help you with almost no reminders, sit down at the negotiating table and distribute all the responsibilities around the house. Write everything down and divide it equally and according to your capabilities, you can even draw up a schedule and hang it in a visible place so that you don’t want to fail to complete them sometimes due to forgetfulness. Fix the assigned responsibilities in his mind, let him feel responsible for them. This does not hurt his male pride in any way, it is simply the most optimal and fair solution family problem. Reinforce the agreement again with something good, for example, go to a movie or a restaurant.
Good afternoon
Oh, obviously, in your family, of course, there was a sharp division of responsibilities into “male” and “female”. Moreover, “feminine” means cleaning, cooking, washing, etc... that is, taking care of family hearth, coziness, comfort in all its senses. And for men, it’s about getting money (if possible) and preserving strength in case “what if there’s war” :))
But, in fact, you can analyze the situation a little deeper and see that your husband simply does not have the skill of caring for himself in everyday life, much less caring for someone else (for example, you). And this is half the trouble, since you could “instill” (provoke) this skill in him with just your requests, quarrels, notes, etc. But the “complete problem” is that your husband does not have the skills to make independent decisions.
I assume that your husband was raised in a system of hyperprotection (on his mother’s side), when all decisions were made either for him, or were made for him, or were simply given instructions on what and how he needed to do. And this system (as strange as it sounds) leads to the formation of good “performers” both in the profession and in the family, but not leaders (when you need to control, analyze, set tasks and do).
Such people are able to adapt to different conditions life, and to unwashed dishes too, but in their thinking such a link as “task/goal” (the house must be clean) falls out of focus. No one taught them to set tasks on their own. After all, they were always placed by mom.
“Is it really necessary to write notes “clean up, wash, buy”, is it really necessary to talk and quarrel over obvious things?
Yes it is. You need to write notes because of things that are obvious to YOU, but not obvious to him. “The dishes won’t disappear from the sink until you wash them..”, this is true, but there is no ability to accept independent decision about the fact that “I need to wash it, right now, and why.” There is a skill of waiting for instructions (at best).
“But why should I praise if no one praises or pities me when I come and put everything in order before nightfall, so that everyone is comfortable and comfortable?”
You are not praised or pitied, obviously because they are not trying to instill in you new forms of behavior and consolidate them. Praise, compliments, encouragement - there are ways to support the “needed” behavior in any person and reinforce it.
“What kind of injustice is this?”
I believe that this injustice is a consequence different systems education in parental families.
And if you want to get from your husband some new, unusual qualities (and you must understand that independence and self-service are not characteristic of him), then you first need to develop them in him. And this is a process, it requires time, patience and methodology. It’s stupid to think that after living for many years in an all-inclusive system, a person will suddenly, on his own, even after quarrels and instructions, begin to be able to do something (!)... no matter what incentives you create for him :)) Skills and abilities are formed in his head (based on repeated repetitions), and his brain, unfortunately, does not yet have the habit of even thinking the way you think. Therefore, I recommend starting to eliminate the gaps in education from the stage at which they arose, which is 3-5 years, I suppose... and start talking in detail (create “multiple repetitions”) of what YOU think about when you see dirty dishes (it should be clean - The dishes need to be washed - you need to turn on the water, take a sponge, detergent, etc.), and explain this to your husband in detail. In this way, first automatic thinking (the habit of thinking) will be formed, and then the practical implementation of tasks.
Good luck! MG.
Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer “Good afternoon! Oh, obviously, in your family, of course, there was a sharp division of responsibilities into “...” to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?
Discuss with an expertHousework is often quite comparable in volume to office work. But it is less honorable and visible, among other things, because it is not paid for. Money is the easiest way to evaluate the significance and quality of what has been done. The reverse logic also works: if some work does not bring in money, it means that it is not quoted.
Why is it that when a woman becomes an equal partner with a man in financially providing for the family, he most often still does not take on half of the housework?
Harvard conducted a survey of 6,070 couples living together. They were asked what kind of housework they did, their income, and how they and their partner managed their finances. The results showed that many men used money as an argument to get rid of housework: either they gave their salaries to women, allowing them to manage them completely, or, on the contrary, withheld the money.
When a woman pays bills from her own wallet, it can make a man wash the dishes more often
If women tried to discuss the situation, such negotiations rarely led to anything, even if the partners earned the same.
The picture was strikingly different only in those families where women had their own savings. A study found that when a woman pays bills from her own wallet, it can make a man wash the dishes more often.
Of course, all this may seem too mercantile to many. I would like to believe that a confidential conversation, honest agreements and mutual love can lead to equality and reasonable distribution of responsibilities in a couple.
Simon Oakes, author of Marrying for Food, Sex and Laundry, offers his ways to motivate your partner to do more housework. Life hacks may seem manipulative to some, but the author is convinced that others effective ways simply no.
1. Ask your partner to do “a man’s job”
This includes something that involves risk and danger (climbing a ladder to clean gutters), requires tools (trimming bushes with a chain saw), or produces an obvious, tangible result (nailing up shelves). Let the man do the hard work - literally and figuratively - and you do the rest.
2. Cheat
Have you divided up your responsibilities but are still doing more? Turn routine homework into an intellectual challenge. Ask a man to choose a new vacuum cleaner - with three speeds and five suction levels.
3. If you feel like a man doesn't appreciate your work, show him what you've done.
Oakes says it's not that men underestimate women's work - they often simply don't notice it. "Just point out what you've done around the house in passing," says Oakes, "and over time, he'll start to notice changes."
4. If he still doesn't appreciate your work, fight
“It may take time, but sooner or later he will start to notice that the socks are sticking to the kitchen floor, and in the drawer with underwear empty,” Oakes explains. (This step is recommended only for those who can stand the sight of dirty dishes and piles of unironed clothes piled up in the sink.)
5. Do a few things together
Oakes suggests working together in the garden, at the dacha. “There will certainly be many tasks that can be solved together, and besides, such work is not stressful.”
These tips, like the entire book by Simon Oakes, are often called chauvinistic by critics and readers. Indeed, the idea that a man needs to be tricked into doing “women’s” work is a bit old-fashioned.
In the book “Manifesto,” human rights activist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie gives her friend advice on how to raise her daughter as a feminist. The author writes: “Recently in in social networks In Nigeria, it was discussed that wives are required to cook for their husbands. It's so sad that we still perceive cooking skills as a test of a woman's suitability for marriage."
Perhaps if men recognized the need for equality and understood the feminist agenda, it would generally eliminate the need to argue about who should do housework and how much. And this issue would be resolved in each individual family without regard to traditions, but based on the desires and capabilities of specific people.
