How to talk to a man about an important topic. Talking with your husband about relationships: where to start and how to decide

Question to a psychologist

Hello!
First I want to say that tomorrow will be day X in my life, on which a lot will depend on me. I really need someone outside and experienced to give me advice. I am 18 years old and 2 years ago I met a man who is 20 years older than me and recently I realized that I fell in love with him. He is my former coach, he is not married and has never been, and we have a very specific relationship with him. In general, he and I are very close, but Last year We were getting even closer and recently I decided to confess my feelings to him (this was 3 months ago). He then listened to me very carefully and said that at this stage he was not ready to date me and outlined several reasons (he and I are at different stages of life; I am dependent on my parents; he wants to have children in the next 2-3 years, and I am only 5 years old still studying). Well, okay, we talked to him then, but we still continued to see each other almost every day and, as for me, our relationship even became much closer. And so, two days ago, I had to meet with a friend after training, I had a long way to go home, and he invited me to have breakfast at his place and then go to a meeting. We did just that and then a friend called and said that she couldn’t come. In the end, he invited me to stay with him, we watched a movie, and then fell asleep hugging each other. In the evening, we started playing cards and he asked if I wanted to kiss him. First he kissed me himself, and then I lost my wish to him and he wanted to kiss me again. After I went home, I only think about it and don’t understand anything. Tomorrow we are meeting with him to talk about this, and I need advice on HOW TO CORRECTLY TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE FURTHER DEVELOPMENT OF THE RELATIONSHIP? Because we have already reached the stage where we are no longer just friends, but we are not dating yet. It seems to me that since he wanted to kiss, it means he has feelings for me, and I myself think only about him all the time. Day X is tomorrow, please help.

Irina, we need to talk directly and simply. Ask what kind of relationship he wants, and what plans he has for his life in general. Just think FOR YOURSELF in advance, what are you ready for? Lungs romantic relationship or family? He unequivocally showed you by his behavior that he likes you, is pleasant, he is attracted to you, but at the same time he would like a more mature life partner - not in terms of age, but more self-sufficient and independent. Show that you understand this and find out what he would like with you then. But first, decide for yourself what you can give to each other. Do you want a relationship with an older man? Differences in interests, life stages, different condition souls - all this, seasoned with mutual love, can lead to a passionate romance, but for a serious relationship it requires common values ​​and meanings. What do you want from him? You need to start by asking yourself a question.

Golysheva Evgenia Andreevna, psychologist Moscow

Hello Irina!
Indeed, first of all, it is worth most decide what do you want and what you will agree to. You don't have to make one decision for the rest of your life, but it is important to decide what will suit you Now, and which options are unacceptable for you. Be attentive to yourself here, try to take care of what is comfortable for you and what causes not very pleasant experiences.

Once you have determined what is important to you, it is worth considering several different potential situations and your actions in each of them.
For example, would a situation suit you if his interest primarily concerns sexual relations or will this not be enough? What will you tell him if this happens?
Will it suit you if he offers to forget about what happened and remain within the framework of friendship? What will you do in this case?
Or would it suit you if he, for example, suggests that you try to build serious relationship with cohabitation and children in the future? How will you respond when it comes to this and your readiness for it?
And before you raise the topic of relationship development, think about what you would like to understand for yourself from this particular conversation, what is its purpose? Then it will be clearer to you how exactly to build a conversation so that you really get answers to your questions.
For example, you can ask what what happened means to him and how he himself sees the further development of the relationship - if you want to know his opinion and plans in this regard.
Sincerely,

Lesina Polina Aleksandrovna, psychologist in St. Petersburg, face-to-face, Skype.

Hello Irina!

Your former coach likes you. but your life goals are now different, and without common goals happy relationship impossible to build. “Experiencing feelings” and “wanting to build a relationship” are often different things.

This man voiced his goals and doubts.

He and I are at different stages of life; I am dependent on my parents; he wants to have children in the next 2-3 years, and I’m only 5 years old still studying

Based on this. he needs another woman who wants the same thing as him and is at the same stage of psychological maturity.

Realize. what you want and tell him about it. Something can only work out if you can find something that unites you (except mutual feeling), and understand. how everyone's needs will be met in this relationship. If one of you pushes your needs for the sake of the other, then dissatisfaction will accumulate, which sooner or later will break through anyway.

In addition, it is worth figuring out why you were attracted to a man 20 years older. Perhaps in your relationship with him you want to receive what you did not receive from your dad, and behind your love there is a longing for fatherly love.

If you need help, please contact us. You can work via Skype.

Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg

In any relationship, there inevitably comes a time when one of the parties wants to discuss its further development. For example, are you ready to move on and take the relationship to the next level or...just move on. Anyway start serious conversation relationships are never easy, no matter what outcome you're hoping for.

Psychologists explain the fear of such conversations by saying that there is too much uncertainty associated with them, and their outcome may be unpredictable. This is especially true for unmarried couples who are still in the romantic stage of their relationship and have never talked about this topic before. Fears, anxieties, fear of being rejected or, conversely, causing an overly emotional reaction - all these are good reasons to postpone this difficult, but so important, conversation until better times.

Find Right words to start a conversation

Of course, there is no universal phrase that, like a magic wand, will help absolutely everyone. But you shouldn’t start a conversation with the ominous “We need to talk.” Moreover, this is a very big mistake, because by doing so you initially cause prejudice in your interlocutor, and he does not expect anything good from communicating with you. Psychologists recommend not to panic, but to approach this conversation as you would any other communication on a conflict topic. For example, you could approach your partner with the phrase “I would like to discuss something with you.” This sounds less ominous and does not cause a negative attitude.

Don't expect much

It doesn’t matter who started this conversation - you or your partner - you shouldn’t expect too much from him and give free rein to your imagination. Experts advise not to focus on your own emotions , expectations, needs and fears, and think about what you and your girlfriend or boyfriend have different character and temperament, therefore to this complex topic and you will also react differently to the conversation. Do not try to predict your partner's reaction and do not count on it under any circumstances - if your expectations are not met, you may behave inappropriately. Be honest and direct about what you want (or don't want), and state your needs and desires. And get ready to hear about the needs and desires of your interlocutor.

Be honest (but sensitive) about your needs and desires

Feel free to admit own desires, thoughts, expectations, without trying to adapt to the partner and his needs and expectations. You should not give up yourself for the sake of another and agree with your partner in everything, accepting his point of view. In any relationship, the main thing is to be yourself, and if your other half is as interested in this relationship as you are, she will only be glad to know about your concerns or expectations, because frankness is a demonstration of trust. Silencing feelings and problems is fraught with serious complications - your dissatisfaction will sooner or later make itself known, and this can happen completely uncontrollably. Psychologists also advise using the pronoun “I” rather than “you” more often, that is, talking primarily about yourself, and not about your partner. For example, you should not say “you pay little attention to me.” It’s better to say “I don’t like that you pay little attention to me.” In this case, the interlocutor is more likely to listen to your words, rather than cover himself with protective armor, perceiving them as an accusation.

Listen more, talk less

It’s not for nothing that Mother Nature gave us two ears and one mouth - perhaps they should be used in compliance with this natural proportion? Listen more and talk less, and then the interlocutor will understand that you respect him and that you are really interested in his opinion.

Avoid understatement and ambiguity; do not hesitate to clarify unclear points

Always remember that the interlocutor may understand your words differently than you would like. That's why it's so important to choose your words when talking about relationships and check whether they were understood correctly. Feel free to ask again if something is unclear to you, or ask questions to make sure you are understood. By the way, questions should be open-ended, that is, not containing answers or “hints.” Do not rush to stun your interlocutor with a speech on the topic of your own expectations and aspirations and ask whether he agrees with you or not. Strive to build a constructive dialogue.

There is an opinion that well-mannered person should never raise his voice and behave exclusively politely and delicately. But restraint sooner or later leads to the emergence of many unresolved problems, which lead to psychological disorders and stress. Therefore, problems still need to be solved.

First you need to take control of your aggressiveness, learn to calm down, and not speak rashly. Learn to say “this topic is unpleasant to me,” “this annoys me,” and the like.

You need to sort things out without insults or raised voices. You need to make sure that your interlocutor understands that you are experiencing negative emotions.

If you cannot keep your anger under control, go away, tear up a newspaper, break a cheap glass - this way you will throw out your irritation and become calmer.

Understand why the problem occurred

Think about why exactly this annoys you. If you cannot calmly communicate with a person, it means that he is unpleasant to you. What is the point of further communication then? Ruin your nerves?

Scandal is the latest thing. This can always be done, but it’s important for us to sort things out and not quarrel, right? The main thing is to think about what can be done to prevent such a problem from arising. If you're annoyed that your partner doesn't do anything around the house, calmly explain that you can't do everything yourself.

For example, you are tired of removing clothes from your chair several times a day. This way you can simply say, “Could you please put your things in the closet instead of hanging them on a chair,” rather than, “How long can this go on, I’m tired of it!”

If they reprimand you, do not snap back, but try to improve. Scandals lead to the destruction of relationships, so if you want to save them, treat your partner with respect.

Calmly sort things out

If a problem has arisen and you are faced with the question of how to sort out the relationship, discuss it calmly, without hysterics or screaming. As a result, everyone will hear only themselves, and everything will turn into a scandal. Offer to talk calmly and discuss the reason for the dissatisfaction. Present reasonable arguments, not just “I want it that way.”

Learn to make compromises. Voice your desires and complaints very clearly - after all, your partner is not clairvoyant, and the words “when will this end” may simply not be understood - what are we talking about?

Now you know how to sort out relationships so as not to offend your partner and not turn it all into a scandal and a break in the relationship. First of all, respect each other. Of course, you are unlikely to be able to follow these tips the first time, but try to take care of yourself - over time, this will become a habit.

How to talk about your relationship?

Despite the fact that guys are considered more decisive and courageous than ladies, for some reason they are the ones who gain courage and start such a conversation. Maybe because their subtle perception and sensitivity forces them to get down to business in a timely manner, so as not to turn “later” into “never”. Starting a conversation is not easy, but it is necessary, so we decided to give you some tips.

Raise the topic calmly, you need to find out how to sort things out, and not turn a simple conversation into a scandal, because in the heat of the moment you can blurt out a lot of unnecessary things and talk about something that you really don’t think at all. It's easy to hurt, but achieving forgiveness is much more difficult.

Tell your partner how you feel about her, how you feel about your current relationship, and what you would like from it in the future. But you shouldn’t overdo it, it’s very easy to just scare a person by starting such a conversation. Don’t talk only about yourself, because you started all this not in order to express what has accumulated in your soul, but in order to find out his opinion on this issue.

It’s worth continuing the conversation only if you notice your partner’s interest in this topic; otherwise, it’s better to stop so as not to turn the conversation into a quarrel.

If you are afraid of angering your partner, then before you talk to him, try to work on the tone and intonation of your voice. The absence of reproaches and a pleasant timbre will force anyone to be polite and gentle.

If you are not satisfied with the point of view expressed by your significant other, there is no need to start panicking and foaming at the mouth to prove that you are right. Try to point out the disadvantages of his theory and the advantages of your version.

It doesn't hurt to quickly go through those moments in your life that mean a lot to you and emphasize the importance of helping each other overcome any difficulties in life.

Everyone should understand that the ability to talk about relationships is the foundation of any relationship. And it’s not even important how to speak, but when to do it, so that the conversation is timely and bears fruit.

Nothing lasts forever, and unfortunately, relationships too. Time often leaves its mark on any, even the most strong relationships. Over time, all feelings become dull, old passion disappears and everything comes to its logical conclusion. However, in order to avoid this, you need to know how to maintain relationships and thereby prevent a breakup.

The first thing you need to start a conversation with is to get the support of your significant other. You must do everything together, including strengthening your relationship. After all, a relationship is the hard work of two people, not just one.

The worst situation is when someone tries to work on the relationship, solve problems and add variety, but the other partner simply does not see any problems and is not going to change anything. Therefore, there is no way to do without an open and difficult conversation, and it is best to prepare for it in advance.

Where to start the conversation?

Start with a simple conversation, tell them you are worried and talk about the subject of your concern. Try to calm down, speak slowly and calmly, do not make complaints, do not blame anyone or be rude.

IN otherwise your significant other simply won’t want to listen to you. Try to calmly talk about the relationship, explain that you value this relationship and do not want to lose your love.

Only after your significant other has a positive attitude do you move on to the next step - justifying your concerns. Try to carefully lay out all your complaints without showing aggression.

Perhaps you are not satisfied with some bad habits, or you began to spend little time together, or your sex life has ceased to be as rich and stormy as before. It doesn't matter what exactly caused your worries, but try to very carefully express it to your partner.

Try to have a productive conversation with your boyfriend about the relationship: together, understand what caused the changes in your relationship, and tell him that if you don't change something in the relationship, you will break up sooner or later. The main problem is misunderstanding. Try to reach your partner, justify your conclusions.

The next step in this conversation is to voice your partner's concerns. Many people try to avoid this part of the conversation, but if your goal is to save this relationship, then you certainly need to find out what your partner is unhappy about.

Try to calmly, carefully and until the very end listen to all the claims and demands of your partner, i.e. talk about relationships in such a way as to not only be heard by the party, but also to be heard. Straight Talk about relationships will help you understand the reasons for your concerns and express complaints, and this will certainly make your relationship stronger and stronger.

In order for married couples to communicate effectively and be able to solve problems together, partners need to focus on their respective roles and responsibilities as a listening or speaking partner. But since most often in a family the woman is the initiator of a showdown, it is she who thinks about talking with her husband about problems in the relationship. After all, men do not look at many problems that seem global to us seriously.

How to start a dialogue with your husband about relationships

If you want to talk about your relationship with your husband, you have several options to resolve the issues. One of them is to attack your partner with a list of complaints about how you don't believe what he says, what he does, or what doesn't work for you in the relationship. This line of behavior will most likely lead to a defensive reaction from your interlocutor: he will defend himself with the help of mutual reproaches in your direction, or by emotionally disconnecting in order to avoid further criticism and escalation of the conflict.

When couples face an assault situation, they react emotionally to each other's complaints and criticisms. At this point, partners often experience mixed feelings of anger and pain. Moreover, they are likely to feel disrespected, which causes mutual mistreatment. In this vicious cycle, there is little goodwill, understanding of each other's thoughts and feelings, or willingness to discuss different points of view.

It's smarter to look at another option: stop reacting emotionally, take a proactive approach, and prepare yourself before starting a conversation with your husband. Before the conversation, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Decide what is most important to you at the moment? Choose one topic to discuss. Stay on topic during the conversation.
2. What is your intention in the conversation? Do you want your husband to understand you better? Do you want to feel closer to your partner? Do you want an apology? Or do you want to punish your spouse? If you are very upset, you can wait until you have calmed down and thought about your intentions.
3. What message do you want to hear from your husband? What do you want him to understand about you?
4. How do you want your husband to feel after the conversation? Do you want him to feel closer to you and look forward to a future together with you? Or do you want your partner to feel guilty, angry or resentful?
5. How can you get your point across? What would it be like The best way talk about your problem?

What determines the effectiveness of a conversation?

In any case, if one of the spouses wants to talk about the relationship with his wife or husband, he hopes that he will be heard and understood. How effective the conversation will be depends on many factors:

1. There is no need to start a conversation about relationship problems out of the blue. Select the right time and a place to present your idea in a more effective way.
2. It is important to have the right mindset for a conversation with your husband. If you expect a conversation to go poorly, it will. If you think a serious conversation will make the situation worse, it probably will. You must set your expectations for the future conversation and set yourself up for a positive outcome of the conversation and in a positive manner.
3. You need to know the purpose and reason for the showdown. Do you want to talk to your spouse about a difficult issue to better understand your spouse's perspective on the issue? Do you want to clarify a misunderstanding? Do you need to explain yourself to your spouse about lying or abusive behavior? Are you concerned about your level of intimacy with each other and want to be closer to your spouse? If you know exactly what you expect when talking with your husband about certain relationship problems, then the conversation will flow much easier.
4. You need to prepare for the fact that the conversation will be quite tense. Prepare for the fact that your spouse will not want or will not be able to understand you. But in this case there is no need to make a scandal or cry. Try to keep the conversation in an even emotional tone.

Ways to Resolve Difficult Conversations

When having an important conversation with your husband, oratory skills are no less important. The right words will help smooth out the sharpest corners:

1. Don't say "We should talk" or "Can we talk?" — Start the conversation by stating that the topic is difficult, emotional, or unpleasant. Clarify that you know you have different views, but still want to discuss it together to better understand the future prospects of the relationship.
2. Never say the words “Always” or “Never.”
3. Don't blame directly.
4. Prepare a rough outline of what you want to present. It doesn’t matter whether it’s mentally or written on paper.
5. Maintain eye contact. It will be good if your husband sees all the emotions on your face and in your eyes. Don't look away. Watch your hands while talking, try not to fiddle with your clothes or play with your hair.
6. There is no need to use complex phrases and psychological terms. Speak simply, openly, emotionally, but not too much.

How to have a good conversation with your husband

Here are a few more things to consider before you sit down with your husband to talk about what's troubling you right now:

• Use the word “I” more often instead of the word “you”. If the conversation is mostly about you, it will be easier for your husband to focus on your words;
• do not attack, do not attack your partner, but rather talk about what feelings you are currently experiencing and what you think about the topic of the conversation;
• do not manipulate your husband, for example, with sex or tears;
• don't defend yourself;
• tell us your most important thoughts.

Don't expect an immediate solution to the problem. If the husband wants to comprehend, think about it alone, that’s normal. Correct solution may not come right away.

And, of course, the most important condition when communicating with your husband is that you don’t need to be shy or afraid. The fact that you want to talk to your husband about problems in your relationship is already good. This means that you care about your future together, your relationship. If you can’t start a conversation with your husband - shyness, fear or any other complexes are preventing you - seek help from a family psychotherapist.

If you decide to openly discuss some problem with your boyfriend, you must understand that the purpose of your conversation will not be to impose your idea, position and point of view on the guy, but simply to publicize your opinion. People very often have their own beliefs regarding a particular situation, and someone else’s view of things rarely becomes acceptable to them. That is why you must prepare in advance for the fact that your interlocutor will be indifferent to your thoughts, and you will have to stock up on weighty arguments to prove that you are right, as well as nerves of iron and patience.

If you want to achieve something from your lover, you must make him want to do it himself. Don’t put pressure on the guy and think about what exactly to tell him so that he realizes the need for this or that action.

How to have a sincere conversation with a guy?

The most difficult thing will be to start your heart-to-heart conversation. It is best if you choose a suitable place and time for this, when your young man is in a good mood. If your conversation touches on serious and sore topics, you should not wait Have a good mood your lover, but a neutral one, otherwise you risk getting negative emotions on his part for ruining a day that started so well.

Start the conversation with the fact that you need to talk, and it is better to start the conversation not with accusatory phrases, where only the word “you” will be present, but by voicing your experiences and feelings. For emotional dialogue, the pronoun “we” is more suitable.

Don't try to convey to your lover how bad he is. If something doesn’t suit you, don’t throw out all your negativity on the guy. It will be much better if you tell him that you are very happy with him, that he is the best, but there are some things that bother you and that you might like to change.

You shouldn’t make huge speeches in a monologue. Give your young man express your point of view and explain your behavior and actions. You may be able to come to a common denominator much faster than you expected.

Get ready for the fact that your conversation will not bring a fleeting solution to all problems, but will only provide food for thought. Any problem needs to be thought through, so ask your significant other to seriously think about what you said, and eventually return it in conversation.

A heart-to-heart conversation cannot take place if the interlocutors are not interested in it. Only mutual attentiveness and sincerity will allow you to have a heartfelt conversation. However, there are methods of dialogue that, unlike sincerity, can be “learned.” By controlling your actions during a conversation, you can maintain an atmosphere of trust.

Establish contact with your interlocutor. He should feel that this conversation is important to you. Make sure in advance that the environment is comfortable: make an appointment in a cozy, not crowded place. When starting a conversation, do not rush or interrupt the person. Even if he beats around the bush, hesitating to get to the point, don’t push him. You need to patiently wait for the moment when a person opens up and dares to talk about what worries him. At the first stage, just assent, don’t be distracted by your phone and don’t look around boredly, don’t try to sum up your friend’s monologue with phrases like “in general...”, “in short...”, etc.

Show your interlocutor that you understand him. This “effect” is created very simply. It is enough to repeat the key points of the story, as if briefly indicating the main “theses”. Don't mindlessly copy phrases. Instead, it is enough to retell those points of the conversation that seem to you the most emotional and important for your interlocutor.

After a person trusts you with his feelings and expresses himself fully, you can participate more actively in the dialogue. It is interest in the situation that will help make the conversation sincere. Ask your friend clarifying questions if something seems unclear to you. This way you will help him understand the problem, because the exact formulation is already 50 percent of success.

Share your thoughts on the topic with your interlocutor. It is important to first talk about emotions, and only after that move on to a rational assessment of the situation. If you have similar stories, tell them about them - this way you will not only share useful experience, but also show that you really understand your interlocutor.

If a person asks you about this, give him some advice, try to make the best decision together with him. However, it may turn out that the heart-to-heart conversation was needed only to throw out emotions. Then it is better not to give recommendations, but simply to listen to the person and share his experiences.