Any, even the most ideal relationship sooner or later they become colder. And the reason for this is not a lack of love. Most often, the main thing is the need for personal space and... The average relationship goes through three stages:
Stage 1. A fairy tale in reality
At the beginning of a relationship, both partners devote all their time to each other. They tend to go for walks more often, play sports together, visit friends and parties. – the question is rhetorical. One thing is clear - without the opportunity to hug or even touch a loved one, a feeling of discomfort arises; you want to immediately find out where he is and what he is doing. During the first weeks or months, such relationships are like a fairy tale, because mutual understanding reigns between the partners, they know everything about each other, the interests, habits and preferences of the other half. Communication brings only pleasant emotions, but living separately plunges you into depression.
Stage 2. A little everyday life
Over time, constant closeness gets boring. No, love does not go away - a desire for personal territory appears, the boundaries of which are inviolable. Partners lose interest, the need to share plans or thoughts, and strive to be alone. The thought creeps into your head that love has passed, and this is not surprising. After all, strong and trusting relationship cease to be the same.
Stage 3. “You don’t love me!”
When such changes occur, lovers think that their other half has stopped loving them or is even having an affair on the side. Control and demands to be together all the time begin. This behavior is most often attributed to a woman, because a man is considered more freedom-loving and striving for independence. The image of a husband going fishing or a football match, and a wife who is trying to disrupt these plans, is firmly entrenched in the mind. But men, zealously defending the right to their own territory and hobbies, often infringe on women in this desire. They seek to control her contacts with friends and demand that free time she was at home, prohibited from attending parties or other events. But representatives of the fair sex also strive for personal space. When faced with similar relationships on the part of a partner, they naturally demand equality. Very rarely, after all this, a couple maintains a relationship. If this succeeds, one of the parties remains oppressed or submits, sacrificing its interests.
The main reason for these disagreements and disagreements is the lack of personal space. It is caused by childhood ideas about an ideal couple who are happy only together. In reality, such relationships are doomed to failure. You cannot start creating them without understanding that each person is an individual, and he requires a certain amount of free time and territory. No one likes constant monitoring or the need to account for every minute of free time spent apart.
In addition, reliable and stable relationships are the basis. If you are sure that your loved one will not betray you and will support you in any situation, checks and unnecessary questions are ineffective. IN otherwise ask yourself: “Do I need such a relationship?” After all, constant jealousy and wasted nerves will not lead to results. Calls every half hour, hundreds of SMS messages, checking emails and hacking pages in in social networks– women explain this behavior by the desire to keep their loved one, but they rarely manage to achieve their goal. The result of such relationships is a break.
After all, a person’s need for a certain freedom is as natural as the need for communication, respect or love. By depriving your other half of the right to independence, you not only infringe on her, but also jeopardize your own happiness.
What not to do if you strive for personal space in a relationship:
Devote all your free time
Is your loved one going to a match of his favorite team? Don’t rush to buy a whistle and become an ardent football fan - let the man be in the company of friends. At this time, you can meet with friends or organize shopping. But even if you stay at home and read a book, you should not call your loved one or write SMS messages - he will think that you are busy with something very interesting and will want to return home as soon as possible.
Caring too much
Remember how shy little children feel when their mothers kiss or hug them in front of their friends? It’s just as unpleasant for your significant other when you treat her with excessive care. No, within reasonable limits this is good, but constantly asking an adult if he is hungry or reminding him about his hat is pointless. After all, before meeting you, he managed calmly on his own - and remained healthy, well-fed and did not suffer from vitamin deficiency. Accordingly, he is now able to take care of himself on his own.
Control
Nobody likes when someone tries to control him. Calls every half hour or SMS messages a hundred times a day can drive even the most patient and calm person crazy. And if you also wait for him at the entrance to work or check his location, you can forget about normal relationships.
Forbid
Each person in the process of development and maturation has formed his own habits or hobbies. Let your partner remain as he is. With all the shortcomings and habits. After all, you loved him for who he is - so why remake your soulmate? If he likes to go fishing or visit the golf club every weekend, you should not insist on a joint picnic or a trip to his parents. Better take some time for yourself or organize a meeting with friends.
Blame
Is your loved one late at work? Or visited friends? You should not greet him with tears, the phrases “You don’t love me,” or a reproachful look. Asking for forgiveness or explanations does not add positivity and does not guarantee that this will stop in the future. On the contrary, they destroy the desire to be with you.
Check
Remember that the foundation of a strong relationship is trust. If you read your loved one's text messages, check new phone numbers, or eavesdrop, he feels cornered. Disappointment from the fact that they do not trust him and try to check every word or follow every step, over time love will win.
These six rules will allow you to take your relationship to the next level by adding a little trust, mutual respect and...
3 ways to ensure your personal territory is respected and make your feelings burn with renewed vigor.
Personal territory
We are not talking about separate bedrooms. In the West, this tradition is very common, but here it has not yet taken root. Personal territory can be a small shelf or a separate workplace. There is only one rule - only the owner can have access to it. Even if your significant other's desk is in chaos, don't clean it. Let your loved one know that no one will rummage through papers or rearrange things - this will make the relationship more trusting.
Spend time away from each other
If few people agree to vacation in different cities or even countries, spending just a couple of hours a day separately is a completely doable task. Go to a fitness class or visit a beauty salon, and let your loved one meet with friends or go hunting. Wherein constant calls- definitely superfluous. Let your loved one be alone with himself, and you will see that after the break you will rush to each other with new feelings.
Don't tell everything
Conversation is important and necessary. But there are situations when there is simply no desire to speak. There is no need to forcefully explain the reason for this condition. It is much better to say that you want to be alone and are not in the mood to talk. If your partner loves you, he will definitely understand and will not insist.
In each couple, everything develops individually. And the time that partners spend together depends only on their characters and preferences. But if a man and woman love each other, they will always find a compromise. Provide your partner with a territory whose boundaries no one crosses, and free time, which he can dispose of at his own discretion. As a result, coming home every day and sharing news will be a pleasant need, not a duty. 2-3 hours a day are useful because they give you the opportunity to get bored and give new sensations. And the confidence that your significant other trusts you and is not looking for confirmation of your words is simply pleasant.
If you strive to create a relationship based on mutual understanding and love, do not violate the other person's personal space. Awareness of freedom allows both parties to feel happy and confident in each other. Don't demand your loved one to be together all the time and don't control him/her. But don’t let anyone violate your personal space - you have the same right to it as another person. Remember: only by maintaining freedom and not demanding constant reports from your partner will you create a strong union based on trust and mutual respect.
17 March 2014, 16:35If you don't know what to talk about on your first date with a man, don't panic. It is not surprising that people, feeling nervous when meeting, become confused and feel awkward due to the pauses that arise.
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I am now in my second marriage. Here, as they say, the first pancake came out lumpy.
I analyzed a lot why it happened this way (or rather, it didn’t work out), and the answer, in the end, came unexpectedly by itself - personal space. For me, this clever phrase was not at all compatible with the idea of marriage, so I structured my behavior accordingly. WITH ex-husband we had several things in common, and besides that home work, so we were within visual reach of each other almost 24 hours a day. At first it seemed just wonderful, but over time we began to literally “suffocate.” We had known each other for some time before my divorce, and he understood the seriousness of this situation. Therefore, when we moved in together, the first thing he promised me was that he would not encroach on my freedom and personal space. The only thing is that I had to do the same. This is precisely what turned out to be the most problematic for me.
It’s not for nothing that they say that people who have been married enter into new relationships to one degree or another. 
draw on past experience. This happened to me too. It was very difficult to accept that a person could have friends and hobbies that he was not ready to share with you. This was not said outright, but was made clear at every opportunity. And at one fine moment I seriously thought - what is this “personal space” and is it really so necessary in a relationship?
Psychologists say that it is very important to maintain certain boundaries in communication even with the closest people. Violation of these boundaries, both physical and informational, is subconsciously perceived by a person as a manifestation of aggression and can lead to serious conflicts, even rupture.
Respect for the boundaries of physical space means the inviolability of the desktop, personal belongings, respect for the habits of your other half, type of temperament and physiological characteristics body (it is useless to demand from an “owl” vigorous activity in the early morning). The second group of things that should remain inviolable include hobbies, the opportunity to communicate with friends and creative self-realization. Therefore, the wife, demanding that her husband give up fishing and stop watching football with friends, rudely invades the man’s personal space, which cannot but cause sharp rejection.
Violating information boundaries can be a fatal mistake. These include: monitoring the contents of the phone, pages on social networks and other purely personal information.
I’ve never understood wives rummaging through their husbands’ phones, although there are plenty of those among my friends. Moreover, as a rule, girls looking for some terrible incriminating evidence in their husband’s mobile phones found it. It was as if they had prepared themselves for such a result in advance, and when they received it, they even calmed down. I personally don’t suffer from such pathological jealousy, otherwise it would be very difficult for me to get along with my new husband - he’s very independent for me :)
We have been living together for almost 2 years, and it was my husband, despite previous long experience, who taught me this seemingly simple thing - the need to accept existence and respect the personal space of a partner.
In addition, having gained experience in this area of relationships, I discovered a lot of advantages for myself. Firstly, by being alone with yourself or paying more attention to close friends, you begin to look at your relationship with your husband in a new way and appreciate it. The same applies to hobbies and creative self-realization, without which, as for me, it is simply impossible to be a full-fledged interesting person. Secondly, after spending some time apart, it is especially nice to reunite and love each other even more.
There are certain factors that have a direct impact on the size of each person’s personal space zone. Here are the main ones:
- Character type. For example, introverts need privacy more; the slightest violation of the boundaries of their personal space can lead to a strong negative reaction and even breakdown. Extroverts, on the contrary, do not have clear boundaries of their space and do not understand why others refuse to let them into all the nooks and crannies of the soul.
- Place of residence and nationality. Residents of large cities do not have much personal space from birth, so being in a dense flow of people does not affect them as depressingly as it does for residents of the provinces.
- A person's self-confidence. The less confident a person is in his abilities, the more personal space he needs, and the stronger the wall he builds.
- Family traditions. If a person is accustomed to the fact that correspondence, telephone conversations are not a secret to any of the family members, then when he begins to build his own relationship, he will demand the same openness from his partner.
- If you understand that your and your partner’s ideas about personal space do not coincide, then a calm and thorough conversation is necessary. You need to explain why some things are very important to you and why others are not important and be understanding of your spouse’s wishes.
These are the most general criteria, but what degree of freedom and what size of personal space is needed in a particular family is up to you and your significant other to decide. The main thing is not to go to extremes, so that, on the one hand, you don’t become brother and sister instead of spouses, and on the second, “dumplings stuck together.”
In conclusion, I would like to quote the very deep and true words of one of the outstanding writers of the 20th century, Kahlil Gibran, from the chapter on marriage in his book of parables “The Prophet”:
"Love each other, but do not make fetters out of love. Let it be rather a restless sea, swaying between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup, but do not drink from the same cup. Give each other your bread, but do not bite off the same piece. Sing and dance together and be joyful, but allow each other to be alone with each other. After all, each of the strings of the lute is on its own, although they sound together in one melody.”
If we recall fairy tales about love, much there indicates that people in love should always and everywhere be together. Even if you ask any person about what is love in his understanding, he will inevitably touch on the topic of being constantly with his partner. Love relationships seem to exclude the possibility of each partner having personal space. How realistic is this in everyday life?
Man and woman are separate beings from each other. Each of them has his own body, heart, brain, etc. Before they met, each of them lived his own life. Now that they love each other, they want to be together. Love undoubtedly brings people together. I want to be together as often and as much time as possible. However, it is also quite normal to break up sometimes.
Do not quarrel, do not disagree, but rather separate, so that each of the partners minds their own business. It’s normal for a man to go to work, where a woman is not allowed unless she works there too. It is normal for a woman to visit a gynecologist herself, since the presence of a man there is inappropriate and will not help in any way. It's normal for partners to disagree different places and do not stay together all the time.
Everyday and earthly life requires people to work, create something and solve problems, sometimes separately from each other. A man and a woman are not always next to each other, which is normal.
Imagine the life that young and inexperienced readers dream of women's magazine site when they and their beloved men are constantly together. They eat together, sleep together, go to the toilet together, go to the same place of work together (even if one of them does not work at the same time), take a shower together, etc. How realistic is it to live like this? Maybe at first, hot feelings will spur partners to such actions, but over time this will pass. Everyday life begins, when it is necessary to disperse in order to have time to do your business and resolve all personal issues.
This raises the question of how possible it is to have personal space in love relationships. Wise people They understand that even in love, everyone should maintain freedom, independence and their own space where they can be alone.
How are personal boundaries erased in a love relationship?
Each person has his own personal boundaries. Your dreams, mysteries, secrets, interests and hobbies - all this is within your personal boundaries. Your goals are formed within your personal boundaries. The rules by which you want to live in this world, as well as the principles that guide you, are also formed within your personal boundaries. Every person has them. And that's okay. However, sometimes they are erased, especially in love relationships.
If only you can be within your personal boundaries, then any other person is a foreign organism if he enters them. Even your beloved partner or your child is a dangerous object if you allow him to somehow infiltrate your personal space. Moreover, if you allow other people to set their own rules within your personal boundaries, it will always lead to unhappiness in your life.
“Let's move your personal boundaries” - this is how one could indicate the desire of a person who wants to get into your personal space and begin to establish their own rules there. The fact is that there will always be people who will be unhappy with you. A loved one may not like your character traits, a child may not like your behavior, colleagues would like you to do their work for them, etc. Each person may have their own complaints about you.
But the question is: should you allow all these people to push your boundaries and set their own rules there or not? You cannot prevent people around you from being dissatisfied with you. But these same people can be rebuffed if they suddenly begin to dictate to you how to live, how to look, how to breathe and what to strive for. All these aspects of your life are within your personal space, where only you reign. Will you allow other people to reign within your personal boundaries and try to overthrow you from the throne in order to ultimately subjugate you completely? After all, only one person can command. And if you let someone into your personal space, then you are already putting yourself in danger, since this person will definitely want to command you.
Strangers in love relationships
Returning to the ideas about love that are implanted in the heads of many people from childhood through fairy tales, one can easily understand why partners still cannot harmoniously create a love relationship where “someone else’s” will be perceived as well and correctly as “their own.” "
- A partner’s opinion is often perceived as incorrect, and one’s own is always perceived as correct.
- The interests of a partner are often perceived as unnecessary, and their own - as always necessary.
- Other people's money is always considered common, but it is difficult to call your own money as such.
- You always want to infringe on someone else’s freedom, but you always have the strength to defend your own.
The mentality of a Russian person, regardless of gender, is formed in such a way that he always considers it right to interfere in someone else’s life with his help and advice, to infringe on someone’s freedom and boundaries with his demands and instructions. At the same time, the person does not intend to accept outside advice and a commanding tone. It turns out double standards, where one’s personal space is always defended, and someone else’s is constantly infringed upon.
Wise were those people who came up with the symbol of marriage, where two rings are connected. Please note that the rings do not overlap each other, but are combined. Moreover, the space where they are combined is common. But each of the rings has its own personal space. Thus, this symbol is a clear indicator of how people should build relationships with each other: everyone should have both common and personal space.
But people often go to extremes. Either they want everything to be common, or they move away from each other so much that everyone has their own life. Neither in the first nor in the second option you will see happy marriages, couples, families. In either extreme, the partners suffer.
Everything should be common: where he goes, she goes, where she goes, he goes there. In such situations, I would like to say: “You also need to walk by the hand to write.” People want to be together always and everywhere so much that they do not notice the absurdity of this desire. This most likely indicates that the partners cannot trust each other. Perhaps someone is under the influence of the fear that a loved one did not go on vacation with friends, for example, but to cheat. Moreover, the desire to have only a common space indicates an inability to find interesting activities while your beloved partner is relaxing away. And all this is expressed not only in following on the heels of your loved one, but also in the desire to control him in everything and force him to do everything as is considered necessary.
In a relationship, of course, there should be a common space. These are children, living together, any problems and issues that concern the relationship and life of both partners. But in order for people not to feel “chained”, it is necessary to leave space for personal hobbies, activities, recreation and friends. A loved one does not invade this space, just as he does not allow a partner into his personal space. Of course, you can go in and stay a little in this personal space (if the partners really have nothing to hide), but it is still a place where only one person rules, to whom it belongs.
General and personal interests
Another idea of ideal love is that a man and a woman should have exclusively common interests. If suddenly partners notice that they are engaged in hobbies that their loved ones are not interested in, then this becomes a motive for thoughts of separation. People couldn't come up with an even more ridiculous idea!
The presence of personal interests is not a reason for separation - this is what psychologists say. Partners can enjoy completely different hobbies. However, if at the same time they are interested in spending time together and communicating, living together and solving problems that arise, then hobbies are not important.
It is important to compromise here: do not force your partner to be interested in your hobbies, do not force yourself to become interested in your partner’s interests, but allow each other to maintain their own hobbies, joining in if desired. You don't have to, but you can get carried away by what interests your loved one. The same principle applies in reverse.
To pursue their hobbies, partners need to provide each other with free time. While your partner is doing his thing, you can do yours. The most dangerous situation becomes when one partner has interests, but the second has none at all (moreover, he does not even want to be interested in what his loved one is interested in). In such a situation, the one who is bored begins to force the partner to also stop being interested in anything in order to spend time together.
Right to personal space
Even in a romantic relationship, each partner should retain the right to personal space. We are talking about a territory where no one enters except the person himself, about work, about time, about desires, about goals for life, etc. Undoubtedly, loving people unite to have something in common, for example, children or jointly acquired property. However, love does not yet imply that the partners will not have anything “of their own,” “personal,” or “inviolable.”
Personal space is very important in love relationships. Its presence indicates that the partners respect each other. A man and a woman, no matter how much they love each other, cannot be absolutely the same in everything. Where their views and interests converge, they can be together. But where they do not agree on opinions or desires, they can allow each other to maintain their personal space.
Sometimes you want to be alone (alone). Sometimes you want to do something that is really interesting. Sometimes you want to keep certain secrets that do not affect family life. Personal space is not a lack of trust or hiding important information. Personal space is like a corner in the house where no one can enter except the person to whom it belongs.
Let the man have his own closet, where the woman will never look. No matter how dirty and dusty it may be, no matter what mess is going on there, a woman should not touch it. This will be a sign of respect for the man’s personal space.
Let a woman have her own corner where a man will never poke his nose. No matter what a woman keeps there, he does not fit into this space, does not dictate his own rules, does not manage the territory.
When a person has personal space, he has the opportunity to rest, relax, resolve many issues, and do this in such a way as to maintain a loving relationship with someone who does not infringe on his freedom.
Bottom line
A love relationship is “we”, where there must be two people independent of each other. A love relationship is a choice by each party to stay close to their partner and have something in common. That is why people should reconsider their views on love, which does not imply that partners will dissolve in each other, but, on the contrary, will show respect and understanding for what they cannot control and command.
They say that love is selfishness between two people... And this selfishness manifests itself very, very clearly: first you sacrifice little - an episode of your favorite TV series or reading a book that captivates you in order to devote more time to your loved one, then you are ready to exchange a meeting with your friends for a date with the object of your adoration... and then rush to him at the first call at any time of the day or night, demolishing all obstacles on your way. And with each year of the relationship, more and more time migrates into the treasury of time “for HIM” from the treasury of time “for oneself and friends.” And this continues until everything comes down to the ratio of 24 hours: 0 hours in favor of the man. Is this sacrifice justified in the name of love? Personal space -the lot of the lonely or a constant necessity?
Agree, dear ladies, that freedom ends where necessity without desire begins. We are now talking not about the freedom that implies intrigue on the side, but about freedom when choosing which movie to go to, what to do on the weekend, or when to go to see your mother, for example. When the other half has nothing to do and he is looking for your company - this is a necessity without desire, habit, selfishness... In the brain this is laid down as inevitable, obligatory... And the opinion of the loved one becomes decisive. And it doesn’t matter whether you are married, just living together, or just planning it. Gradually, you will no longer be able to imagine that, say, you can go on vacation separately. But why not?
If you don't want to dry out and turn into household item furniture, then your personal space must be protected from the moment the union is born. How to do it?
Trust is the friend of understanding in relationships
First, establish a trusting relationship. You must trust each other and not give reasons to doubt yourself. Be honest with yourself and your partner. This is necessary so that in the future he will not have any questions when you get ready to spend the evening with your friends, dressed in an extreme mini, or go somewhere for the weekend without it. Explain to your loved one from the very beginning, explaining to him about the need for that very personal space. Explain that sometimes you prefer to lie at home with a magazine in your hands instead of meeting him, not because you need him less than he needs you, but because it is sometimes necessary for your Have a good mood, you want it as much as he sometimes wants to go fishing with friends or watch football. At first, most likely, he will express dissatisfaction and protest, but over time he will accept your conditions and see the advantages for himself in this. After all, men should have personal space too.
Believe me, he will be sympathetic to the fact that you will sometimes allow yourself to wander around the shops after work, looking at windows with new clothing collections, or go to a coffee shop and slowly enjoy a cup of aromatic drink alone, thinking about something intimate. When partners treat “me time” with understanding, the relationship only strengthens and does not lead to a cooling of feelings. Independent choice of loyalty to each other is the key to strong, long-lasting relationships.
Be respectful of other people's personal space
Don't read letters that aren't addressed to you
We were all taught in childhood that it is not good to read other people’s letters... And now, in adult life, we must not forget that SMS, messages on ICQ or Odnoklassniki are a taboo that neither you nor he have the right to break. If you do not exchange passwords for each other's mailbox, this does not mean that you are hiding something. This is a private corner that belongs to one, where you can gossip with a friend or discuss something extraordinary without fear of being ridiculed. So, don’t forget about trust and respect, yes, personal space.
A woman-grandmother is not the limit of men's dreams
By the way, you can break it overprotectiveness. Of course, any manifestation of care is conditioned only by good intentions, love and tenderness, but everything should be in moderation. Don’t bother your beloved with regular recommendations on how to dress so as not to catch a cold, what to eat, so as not to develop gastritis and the like... He is already an adult boy and is able to decide for himself what will be best for him.
Don't take someone else's
Personal space can also be material. For example, a desk drawer where your magazines with bookmarks on the right pages are, documents, postcards, some souvenirs, a shelf in the bathroom where your jars and tubes are, a folder with files on the computer where photos from a fun party are stored... All this, Of course, no one will touch it anyway, but the realization that it is only yours warms the soul.
So, in addition to the common ones, have “personal” shelves and drawers in the house for you and for him. And let the order in his personal belongings resemble the situation in the city after the tsunami, do not touch or change anything there. Personal means personal.
Sacrifice for nothing
Also, do not sacrifice your studies, hobbies and work unless absolutely necessary. He most likely will not appreciate it, and you will lose important things. Take some time to write a term paper or fulfill an old dream by signing up for some macrame lessons. A couple of hours a day or one, but a whole day a week - then it won’t be too burdensome and limit your time with the guy. Over time, this will become a habit and you will find harmony.
To avoid unbearable pain from wasted years, take care of your personal space from the very beginning. So as not to blame your man later for wasting money on him. best years in your life, just don't let it happen. All in your hands! Remain yourself no matter what and all the best to you!
Especially for LadySpecial.ru- Olga Efremova
